


From The Ashes

by Samsam4short



Series: Eternal Flame [3]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: All of the Swearing, Badass Kairi (Kingdom Hearts), But don't accept the character development she got, Destiny, Dissociation, Eventual Smut, F/M, Gratuitous Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, In this house we love and respect Kairi, Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance Spoilers, Kingdom Hearts III Spoilers, Kingdom Hearts χ Speculation, Magic, Mental Breakdown, Nightmares, POV First Person, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prophecy, Self-Destruction, Slow Build, Strong Female Characters, Tears, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unreliable Narrator, lea is a good boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2019-11-24 18:20:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 47
Words: 302,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18168545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samsam4short/pseuds/Samsam4short
Summary: The light is gone, but the fire is burning. I feel my heart pounding in my chest. A real heart, pumping blood and life through my body.((Updates Mondays)) ((Sequel to 'Let It Burn', read that and 'Ignite' before you read this)) ((Contains Major KH3 spoilers, you have been warned))





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Remember how I was going to wait until Thursday to post this?

I.

Death is easy.

I feel beautifully hollow; a crystalline shell of myself as I lay, suspended in nothing. Floating is peaceful, soothing. For the first time, there is nothing to fight. For the first time, I do not need to be strong for anything or anyone else. There’s only me, alone, stuck somewhere between light and darkness. This could be home, and I would be perfectly content with that.

But there’s something missing. 

Something is devastatingly cold--sub zero. There’s an absence where a fire used to burn, and discomfort starts to spread through me. It’s not especially unpleasant, akin to a pinch or stubbing a toe; mildly annoying and yet, livable. This could be it, I think. I could stay here, forever. I could be okay here, restful, drifting aimlessly through the void. I could lay this way forever and never have to think, move, or feel again. This would be such a good place to lay my head down, finally.

But I cannot shake the thoughts of fire, searing through my veins, lighting me up like a shooting star in the night sky. There’s a brilliance in the fire, a burning daydream that is infinitely more appealing than this hazy nothingness. I think about reaching out, trying to take hold of the fire, but there is an apathy bleeding into my brain, rushing over me. I lose sight of the fire, and that’s okay. I simply do not have the will to care.

This is how it ends, and that’s alright by me.

A bolt of light slams into my chest and pounds me into the floor. My eyes fly open.

The room I’m in is white, made purely of blinding light. I look around, searching for the source of the impact.

I have very little time to wonder much else though. Memories come flooding back and it takes every bit of my concentration to take them all in. A little girl with blonde hair. A home in Radiant Garden. A man, a godfather, a pilot, caring for her. Other children, a girl with dark hair and eyes. Her presence is a smile, a silly sort of kindness. A boy with blue hair and cyan eyes. His presence is darkness, overwhelming as I shoulder the weight of it. A boy with golden hair and blue eyes, a would be prince charming. He is the light, but barely a player in this story. And then, a pair of emerald green eyes. A cat like grin.

‘I want everyone I meet to remember me. Inside people’s memories, I can live forever.’ 

‘Got it memorized.’

That voice!

Axel!

I choke on the air that floods my lungs as I sit up straight. The light is gone, but the fire is burning. I feel my heart pounding in my chest. A real heart, pumping blood and life through my body. I’m sore. My body aches in new and divergent ways. My back hurts from the fall…but where did I fall from? And where did I fall to?

I look around and the answer to the latter of the two questions comes easily.

This is the cleaning shed I woke up in, nearly a dozen years ago, in Transmute City. I am no longer a nine year old girl with inhibited memories. Instead, everything is restored. I remember death, both times. When the Neo Shadow took my heart in Radiant Garden, and when I begged Roxas for release in The World That Never Was. I died. 

Shit, I died. So, what the fuck am I doing here? I place a hand to my chest and count the beats.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

I didn’t have a heart. For eleven years, I had nothing. I was empty, a husk. A Nobody. But I feel what beats beneath my palm and I know this isn’t a phantom sensation. Have my heart, my body and my soul, all found their way back to one another? Or were the past eleven years just some sort of fucked up dream?

I look myself over, in the light that creeps through the cracks in the door to the shed. This body is mine, without a doubt, clad in a black coat that I never wanted to adorn in the first place. My items belt is missing. That’s not a surprise. Saix threw it into a portal that led to who knows where, when we fought last. The thought of him makes my skin crawl. I want to shed this coat and those it represents, the way a reptile sheds its skin, but I know where I am. Transmute City. Home. Why does my journey always begin here?

Regardless, it’s going to be cold as hell outside of this shed, I’ll need this coat to keep warm. 

Warm. Fire. Axel.

Fuck. A tear slides, hot and heavy down my cheek as I stand, reaching for the door.

I remember the two of us sitting at the clock tower, in limbo, or whatever the hell that was, I remember us promising to find each other. But I am not patient enough to sit around waiting for him to come save me. Right now, all I need is to get the hell out of here and find a way to get to another world. If he’s searching, where would he be? Twilight Town? Radiant Garden? The Destiny Islands? My thoughts are erratic, and I haven’t even left this fucking closet yet. I heave a sigh and curse, just to prove to myself that I still have a voice.

“Fuck.” Well, at least I can still say my very favorite word. 

I need to get to a Gummi Ship, unless…

I think about Twilight Town. Visualizing the clock tower, the weight of my legs dangling from it, the feeling of the wind rustling my hair. I picture the beautiful orange sky, the sun, always on the brink of rising or setting. I swear, I can feel the world’s very essence, curling in the palm of my hand. I wave my hand. A whole lot of nothing happens. 

Well, apparently, dark corridors are off limits to me now. Guess I really must have my heart back. The thought of it should make me giddy, borderline delirious, but right now, there’s so much, I cannot even process this joy. Axel isn’t here. I need to get him back. That’s what matters. Not my fucking heart. Not my voice. Not my body. Him. 

I open the door to the shed and am met by a penetrating cold. It’s snowing in Transmute City, something that rarely happens, despite how bitter the weather always is. For the most part, the world is constantly dry. Just chilling and dark, but now, with white fluttering through the sky, there’s something about the air that almost twinkles with rebirth.

I’ve become such a fucking sap. 

As fast as my legs will take me, I dart toward the Gummi Repair Shop. I can pick the lock on the back door. If I can just sneak in through there and take off with one of the ships Amaya is working on…yeah, it’ll be bad for business, but I think my very presence will be worse for Del and Amaya than a missing ship.

It’s dark, the only source of light that crept through the shed must’ve come from the street lamps. It’s cold, but otherwise quiet. No sign of Heartless or Nobodies in sight. For a moment, I think I’m safe. 

But only a moment. I hit the ground, knees shaking, holding myself up on all fours. Fuck. Struggling to take a breath, my eyes dart around. What the fuck knocked me—

Oh. Nothing. Just my ragged body, failing me. What a joy. I choke as I sit back up on my haunches, assessing myself. Under the street lamps, I can see a very clear gash in the abdomen of my coat and…

Oh, hell.

Blood is crusted to the fabric, it’s starting to heal into my skin. Gingerly, I try to tug at it, an attempt to free it, but the pain is excruciating. I see spots, it feels like needles are pressing into my flesh. My hands ball into fists as I try to stand upright. Come on, Rueki, power through, I urge myself. With great effort, I stand and take another step only to wind up with my hands pressed to the side of a building while I struggle to catch my breath. I’m alive, that in and of itself is no small feat, but I’m exhausted. I may very well be whole again, but my being has taken the kind of beating that one does not just recover from. I’m not an empty shell anymore, able to exert itself in the extreme, I’m lucky I even woke up at all.

The cold wind pierces me, whipping my hair in a spiral. I just need a minute. Just gotta sit down, drink a potion. I’ll be fine if I can just—

My world bleeds together like watercolors, my head starts to fall back, but I clench my fists so tight that my fingernails bite into my palms. The stinging sensation is a momentary distraction, but one that keeps me awake, nonetheless. 

“Fuck.” I whisper again, blinking back the exhaustion that starts to flood through me. Maybe I need more than a moment to rest my tired shell. Maybe I need to flat out nap. The very thought of sleep fills me with warmth, and before I can even stop myself, my body works on instinct, legs taking me the place I was trying so hard to avoid going.

My home.

The bathroom window doesn’t lock. I can sneak in there, take a shower, get a few hours of sleep, I’ll be in and out before Del or Amaya wake. It’s fine. They won’t even know I’m there. Everything is going to be alright.

My tired body doesn’t move fast enough, and by time I have hoisted myself up onto a trash can and have crawled through the tiny bathroom window—how my wide hips manage to get through, I am unsure—I am beyond thankful to be met by an overwhelming heat. Heat. Fire. Axel.

My hands start to shake as I pull the window back down. I try to convince myself the feeling of being gutted has everything to do with my bodily injuries and not his absence. 

Now isn’t the time. I’ve got to keep my mind off of him until I can actually do something productive. Whatever this second chance at life is, I’m not bringing the crippling panic attacks into it with me. Those are going to stay in the past, no matter what it takes.

I’m so fucking sick of crying. 

As quietly as I can manage, I shut the bathroom door and turn the light on. Inside of the bathroom mirror, I’m finally able to assess myself fully. The corpse of a woman stares back at me, with skin too pale and shadows too dark beneath her visible, sea green eye. My bangs hang over one eye, as always, but there is debris intertwined in the golden blonde tangles, not just of my bangs, but the rest of my hair. A ponytail didn’t help salvage anything, and I know it is going to take at least an hour to work out the knots. Dried blood is crusted to the corners of my mouth, and down to my jaw, covering the mole beneath corner of my lips. 

But this isn’t even the worst, I know. I look down at where my coat has started to fuse to my skin. I try pulling at it again, just slightly and have to bite down hard on my lower lip to keep from making any noise. The last thing Del or Amaya need is to come running into the bathroom after hearing me scream, only to see me bleeding out on the floor. 

My entire body trembles as I struggle to catch my breath. No more playing nice, this has got to be like ripping a bandaid off, right? I look around the bathroom and grab a hand towel off of the rack, before setting it down on the sink in front of me. This will be a hell of a lot easier with two hands, I decide, as I pull Survivor off of my arm. It feels old, heavy, like it is on the verge of shattering. I suck in a breath. Oh please, no. Not this, not the weapon he gave me. The coat is destroyed, but please… 

Very carefully, I set the claw on the fluffy area rug Amaya had placed in this bathroom years ago. It’s old, dirty, surely they won’t notice whatever stains my weapon transfers onto it. Satisfied that Survivor hasn’t crumpled to dust, I look down at the wound on my abdomen. It almost looks as though it is mostly healed, which means this is going to be a bitch and then some. I run the hot water in the sink, counting the seconds that water trickles, like sands in an hourglass. Come on, faster. Can’t wake Del or Amaya up. Once the water warms up, I place the edge of the towel into it, allowing it to get wet. And then, I pat the soaking towel against the parts of my skin that the leather is fusing to. Anything to free it up. 

It takes effort, patience, and more time than I want to spend, but the edges start freeing up. I turn off the water and ball up the dry edge of the towel, before shoving it into my mouth. I take a deep breath through my nose, pinch my eyes shut, and on the exhale, I tear the coat.

The pain shoots through my core, and I swear, it feels as though I am skinning myself. My eyes cross, and I cry out, though it is muffled by the gag that the towel created. Tremors shake my body, and when finally, the last of the coat is freed from my skin, my head falls back, in pure relief. I shed the coat quickly, letting it drop in a heap on the floor. Fortunately, it appears that the only unhealed wound is the one on my abdomen. The rest of my body looks like it has been painted with white scars crisscrossing all across my limbs. 

Focus, Rueki, I remind myself. I need to dress this injury. I need to clean it and guzzle a Potion like my life depends on it. Because it very well might. And I know exactly where the Potions are. In a cupboard in the kitchen. Fuck. 

I step on the heel of my boot to yank it off, and then, do the same with the other one. This will be quieter barefoot. 

I know exactly where to step, which floorboards to avoid so that I don’t make a sound. Nothing about this tiny house has changed, and there’s a brief feeling of comfort from that. With the lights still out, I reach out to open the cupboard, when suddenly, a sound perks my ears up. The slightest brushing of bare feet against carpet. If I wasn’t on my toes, paused, mid reach, I’d have missed it.

But then, there’s someone charging at me. A body crashes into mine slamming me into the countertop. I exhale sharply, eyes going wide. In the darkness, the figure is only a silhouette and panic courses through me. No. No. Not again.

I grab the figure’s head and bring my knee up, slamming their face against it. They cry out, a broken grunt of a sound and throw a punch. It’s poorly timed and ill placed though. I catch their fist in my hand and deliver a blow of my own, a kick straight to their abdomen. They huff.

“Damn!” I know that voice, somewhere in the clouded state that my adrenaline has put me in, I recognize the speaker. But I don’t hear sounds, I don’t see shapes, my mind puts me inside that wide open hallway that Saix and I stood opposite. I don’t think that whoever this is, probably isn’t a threat. I charge at them the way I would the Luna Diviner, and take them to the ground. I fly through the air and tackle them, my whole body feeling like absolute hell. But my mind is screaming fight or flight, so loud that I don’t register the pain. Hovering over the figure, I slam my fist down straight into their face, when suddenly, a light comes on.

“Del!” The light blinds me. I blink back spots. It is as though I have been ripped straight from the safe comfort of darkness, too abruptly, I cannot adjust. But I pause, just for a second, and somehow, that is all it takes to thrust me back into reality.

“Del…” I’m straddling his torso, my arm cocked back to deliver another blow. Beneath me, his nose is definitely broken, his lip is split. Amaya stands at the doorway, at the light switch, eyes wide with horror.

“I thought you were an intruder.” Del chokes.

I fly off of Del, eyes growing huge. Suddenly, the pain in my abdomen is too much to take. A cry rips from my throat and I crumble, to the ground onto my knees. My Nobody body was stronger. With darkness coursing through me, I was explosive, with unrivaled stamina. Even before I knew I was without a heart, I guess I just never realized how tiring being human is. 

Breathe. In one, two, three. Out one, two, three. 

Fuck. My body starts shaking. I curl in on myself, knees to my chest as I fall to my side. This hurts, this fucking—

Dammit!

“Rueki!” Amaya is at my side, trying to help me up. “Del, grab a Hi-Potion!” She orders.

“Fuck, okay.” Del’s voice sounds like he’s underwater, but I hear him fumbling through the cupboards.

“Jeez, Rueki, this wound is infected, what did you do?” Amaya gasps, as my body flattens out against the ground. “Del, get the alcohol out of the cabinet, too.” She orders. I go to shake my head, to try to beg her to stop. This is only going to hurt worse, soap will be fine…maybe… But before I can even form words, Del hands her the bottle of alcohol and she pours it over the gaping wound in my middle. A scream tears from my lips as convulsions shake me. I’m spasming on the floor, in her arms, and I wonder if this pain is going to kill me. 

“Hell, Rueki.” Del whispers as he comes skidding over to me. I feel his hands on the back of my head as he tilts me upward. It is with great effort, I am sure, that he fights through the spasming and tilts a Hi-Potion back into my mouth. It is all I can do to swallow it, but instantly, the tremors stop. My breathing is still shaky as the phantom pain lingers on, but I know the reality of the situation is that my wound is probably closing up right now. Completely clean. 

“I told you she wasn’t dead.” Amaya whispers, rubbing my arms, soothingly. 

“It’s not like this is much better.” Del murmurs, taking my hand in both of his. He’s warm, but not the kind of heat that I need to radiate off of another. My stomach twists.

“I did.” I choke out, my voice sounding ragged after the scream. Two sets of green eyes find mine as I cough. “I died. Didn’t stick.”

“What do you mean it didn’t stick?” Amaya chokes out.

“Maya, come on. Calm down.” Del urges, voice surprisingly even keel.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want you guys to find me, I tried to be quiet. Del, you usually sleep like the dead.” I say.

“Get her another Potion.” Amaya orders.

“Amaya, it’s not gonna be good for the baby if you keep freaking out like this.” Del says, looking from me to Amaya, and the weight of his words come crashing into me. My eyes go wide.

“Baby?” I’m not sure how I didn’t feel the warmth of Amaya’s pregnant belly pressing into me before, but certainly, I realize it now. She’s barely showing. She looks like me after a cheeseburger, which isn’t fair, but also not the point. What bothers me most, is that I visited here right before I died?

Which begs the question, how long did I spend in limbo?

“You’re pregnant?” I choke.

“Not the point. Come on Del, get her a Potion or so help me!” That’s all it takes to send Del scampering back over to the cabinets, my hand now cast aside on the floor.

“Maya, how long has it been since I was here?” I ask.

“Come on, Rueki, you know that.” She urges as Del comes to kneel beside us. This time, I push myself up and take the Potion out of is hand. I ache, from head to toe, but that’s about all it is, is an ache. This, I can live with.

“Maybe she doesn’t…” Del looks to me with nervous eyes. “Rueki, it’s been almost seven months, what happened? And where is Axel? Is he hurt too?”

His name, falling from Del’s lips sends me over the edge. Panic shoots through me, tears streak, an unending stream as they fall down my cheeks. I try to brush them away, but the more I try, the faster they fall, and before I know it, I’m having a different series of convulsions. Shaking with agony as Amaya pulls me into her arms. Del wraps himself around my back, and together, the hold me as I weep, hysterically. 

They care for me, my friends. Del fetches me a pair of sweatpants and a holey sweater that I left behind, and it is both comforting and disturbing that my friends haven’t gotten rid of my clothing. Amaya brushes out my hair, gently, making faces at the mess it is.

“You’re going to need a haircut, Rueki. I can’t get all of the tangles out.” She says, her voice gentle, on the edge of breaking. 

“Fine. Whatever.” Is my response. I sit silently, trying so hard to swallow my tears, trying to forget about the very new and very raw pain that seems to imminate from my core at the incantation of Axel’s name. Del hands me clothing, Amaya cuts my hair, a straight line with kitchen scissors, nothing compared to the sleek, salon haircut I got with Shiki in Shibuya. I watch broken, golden strands fall to the floor and try not to feel like I’m falling apart. She finishes by trimming my bangs to the corner of my mouth and quickly ties my hair into a braid. Del looks away as Amaya helps me change clothes, and eventually, Del scoops me up and carries me to the couch. I offer no help, the pull of gravity is so intense, and my body, even after a Potion, is broken. His arms are warm. Not warm enough. 

I want to feel scorching heat dragging lazily across my skin. I want to feel my name burning upon the lips of the person I love the most. I want to feel the security that only a blazing fire offers me. I want my eternal right, my payment for all of the suffering, all of the hell I have endured. This is not my privilege, this is my entitlement. I deserve something, anything, to make up for what I have lived through, I shouldn’t have to hurt any more, I’ve done my fucking time.

I hate the tears that fall as I blink up at the ceiling. Del and Amaya press endlessly for information. They beg for answers that I do not want to offer. They yearn to shatter the illusion that I am trying so hard to keep in tact for them. I don’t know who the truth will crush more, them or me. But then, Del does what he is so very good at doing.

He pushes me one step too far.

“Fuck, Rueki, we’re trying to help you, but you’ve got to level with us! This affects us all now, come on, have a heart!” 

The room goes cold as I see a desperate look to retract his words, flash through his eyes.

“How dare you?” Amaya whispers to Del, face contorting. I snort.

“No, no. I mean, I get it. After all, I didn’t have a heart for ten years.” I mutter. My friends are suddenly very quiet. Del looks at Amaya for answers that she doesn’t have. Amaya looks at me, nimble fingers straying delicately to her stomach.

“I’m sorry, I was being a jerk.” Del whispers. I shrug, looking away from them and back to the ceiling.

“You were right though. Well, kind of. I mean, when you called me a cold bitch. I wasn’t cold hearted though, Del. I was flat out heartless. I’ve got all my memories back now. I remember my life, my childhood, and most of all, the night my heart was snatched from my chest and my body found its way here. Kinda funny, it just took dying to bring everything back.” My thumb absently traces a knotted, angry scar on my thigh. Everything is eerily still, and this doesn’t bother me at all. I’d rather this, than the tears, the screaming, the need to explain.

But in the end, an explanation is what falls from my lips. I skim on nothing, I start from the very beginning, from my earliest memories of bedtime stories with Cid, of playing dolls with Yuffie. Of the blond boy, Ventus, my Prince Charming. Of Isa, who was once polite to a fault and grew up to be the absolute bane of my existence. Of Lea.

Don’t leave me, Lea.

I relay, in graphic detail, every grizzly experience with Organization XIII, of watching Zexion fade at my own hand, at Larxene grabbing me by the hair and electrocuting me. Of Luxord manipulating me to murder, of Demyx, dying after he set me free. Of losing Roxas, and then, letting him go, just to keep him safe. Of Axel, endlessly about Axel, about the pleasure and the pain. Of Saix, tearing me apart.

Of limbo, and then, of waking up in a shed. And coming here.

I’m not certain Del is breathing by time my story is done. Amaya is sobbing so hard that her shoulders heave. And I care, I genuinely do, and I feel dirty beyond compare. I have soiled the beautiful memories that the three of us have, of playing, laughing, growing up, so codependent, of growing apart and then returning, with smiles lighting our faces. The darkness I cast with my very presence, I know will overwhelm them, and that hurts, more than I have words for. These two that I love, these two, my family. They will be safer when they discover I am so tainted, they have no choice but to cast me aside. I love them enough to let them go.

“Del, last time we talked, you said you could handle the darkness. So, enjoy, you two. Handle this.” I whisper, bitterness creeping into my words like bile.

“Are you even listening to yourself?” Amaya’s fists are clenched and shaking. Tears are streaming down her cheeks. She can’t even meet my eyes, but that doesn’t stop the words from pouring out of her lips. “Heart, no heart? Does it even matter! You’re acting exactly like you always have, Rueki. We’re not your kids, you don’t need to push us away the second things get bad, how many times are you going to do this before you realize it always leads to trouble for all of us? You think Del and I are completely helpless? You think we don’t have access to a Gummi Ship, where we can get away from any danger that might come our way?”

I blink as I look at her, trying to process her, trying to buy this new, much angrier Amaya. She’s not happy with me, she never is when I pull this card, and she’s right, I do it all the time. But I’ve never heard Amaya even raise her voice until now. I look at the slight bulge in her otherwise flat stomach and wonder how much of what she’s saying is the hormones talking.

“You don’t understand the kind of danger…you see every fucking scar on my body. They did this to me because they were pissed at Axel. They punished me because he defied them. And they wanted me alive. Can you even begin to imagine how bad things could get for both of you? They don’t need you, they don’t want you. You’ll be collateral damage, they won’t even think twice.” Because how utterly daft could she possibly be? How little can she value her safety? She doesn’t want to play the damsel, that’s fine, I get it, but neither of my friends are equipped to handle this hell. “You’re being an idiot. You’re about to have a child, how many more risks do you want to take?” I snort.

“Exactly! We’re about to have a child!” Oh? We, as in her and Del? “We’re about to be raising a person, creating a life that will need to learn to grow up to be strong and smart and kind and good. Don’t you realize, Rueki, if we can do that, we can shoulder one more burden.”

“We’d do anything for you, Rueki.” Del nods, his sandy hair flopping. 

I think they’re a bunch of fucking idiots. I chew the inside of my cheek, wondering what I can say to push them back, wondering how I can prove to them that this is above what they can handle. But I look at the two of them, Del with the determined optimism that I am certain he never will shake and Amaya, who is being so incredibly brave, but her hands are trembling. I know this is taking incredible courage, I get it, and it’s not like I’m not proud of her. I’m not who I was, I’m not utterly unsympathetic, but it changes nothing. I love these two far too much to put them in the kind of danger they seem to think they can handle.

“I’m leaving in the morning. Don’t try to stop me, or I’ll sneak out while you’re asleep.” 

They both know I’ll have trouble moving on my own. They both know I clearly cannot sneak through the house without waking either of them. They both know that in my pajamas, with a weapon that is about to fall apart and a litany of scars all across my body, some from barely healed wounds, I am in no position to be doing any type of traveling.

But they still sleep on the living room floor, right in the way of my path out.


	2. Chapter 2

II.

I wake up in the middle of a town. I wake up in the middle of brick pavement and flashing lights. ‘Accessories’, ‘Items’. I wake up in the middle of an utterly unfamiliar place.

I know exactly where I am.

I know, because Sora knows. 

The tunnels of my empathy link are dusty, dimly lit. A path grossly overgrown, that has spent far too much time, untraversed. But the route is familiar, I know the way, and despite some haziness, some difficulty, his heart opens itself up to me, freely. Perhaps I do not comfortably live here, the way Roxas does, but Sora’s heart recognizes me as a welcome visitor, and blooms. 

I see memories of Saix hitting the ground and fading away, shortly after me—with utter pleasure—I see memories of Xemnas fading. I see memories of a beautiful redheaded girl with twinkling indigo eyes, greeting him with a smile so full of light, it could strip the darkness from all worlds. I see a message in a bottle, the girl’s brow is furrowed, her eyes full of fear. I see her wrap her arms around Sora and insist that he don’t keep her waiting long, again. I hear her voice in my head.

“You’ve still got my lucky charm, don’t make me wait another year to get it back, understand?” She’s got her hands on her hips as she leans forward, pink lips pressed into a pout. She’s bossy, she’s playful, she’s charming, she’s stubborn and she’s got a huge heart. I see her in Sora’s eyes, through his heart, through his mind and think that if I spend too much time in here, I will fall in love with her too. 

Kairi, she’s got to be Kairi.

I see a wizard, I see Riku, I see Sora nodding his head, so utterly sure that he and Riku will absolutely ace this Mark of Mastery exam. I know what the exam is, I know Sora is asleep. I think I could spend hours more plucking through his brain, probably because I now have a heart to actually connect to his, instead of just my mind. But I don’t have the chance to sift through the daydreams of a teenage boy much longer. 

“Riku? Helloooo! Rikuuuuuu!”

“Shut it.”

I know both of those voices. 

My heart leaps.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Am I dead? Are we dead?

But we’re not in Shibuya, we’re in Traverse Town, and there is no timer etched into the palm of my hand.

“Huh?”

“Talk about noise.”

Sora tumbles off of the ledge of the building he stands on, crying out as he hits the ground with a thud. 

Neku leaps gracefully down from the roof of a building and as he hits the ground his eyes meet mine.

“Rueki.” The boys breathe my name in perfect unison. Sora clambers off the ground and throws his arms around me with such a force that I go stumbling back into a light post. Sora is here. Sora is safe. Sora is on his way to becoming a full fledged Keyblade Master, and Roxas is safe inside of him. It’s thanks to the both of them, that I have my heart back. It’s thanks to the both of them, that I’m even here right now, that I even get this second chance to search for Lea. I wrap my arms around Sora so tightly, crushing him against me.

“I thought you were dead! You asked me to kill you, and I didn’t want to, Rueki, I don’t even know what overcame me, I swear, that wasn’t me! I would never—”

“I have my heart back.” Sora stills in my arms, and then pulls away, hand lingering on my arm, as though he is looking at me for the first time. He looks simultaneously older and younger. Timeless, despite it all. “When you finished me, I must have gotten recompleted. I don’t know how but I’ve got my heart back.”

Sora just blinks at me, and suddenly, the weight of all of this comes smashing into me. In Sora’s eyes, I see Roxas, I see my best friend, regarding me, knowing I now have a heart. I see Neku, standing uncomfortably by, unsure of what to say, so very confused. I see two people that I didn’t know how terribly I missed, until right now, and suddenly, it is all I can do to not cry.

“Rueki, that’s awesome.” Sora looks a little overcome by emotion too, though Sora or Roxas, I do not know. I already know that I can pull a reaction from Roxas, through Sora. Hell, at this point, nothing about the strange connection I have with Sora’s heart, would surprise me.

“It’s something.” I nod, scratching the back of my head. I look to Neku, who is looking at me with very hard eyes, hiding his mouth in the cowl of his shirt. “Aren’t you supposed to be in Shibuya or something?” I ask him.

“Why are you wearing pajamas?” He mutters. I look down and realize that yes, as a matter of fact, I am still wearing the sweatpants and baggy T-shirt I fell asleep in. Which is just, you know, awesome. 

“Fuck off.” I say. He shrugs.

“Shiki would kill you if she saw you now.” Neku says. And my heart lights up again. Shiki! Now there is someone I miss to pieces. I adore the bright, bubbly fashionista. Beyond compare. Even though Neku is right, she might very well kill me if she saw me in pajamas. 

“You two know each other?” Sora asks, cocking his head to the side. 

“Unfortunately.” Neku rolls his eyes.

“This kid’s the worst.” I flip Neku off. I catch him cracking a smile that he clearly doesn’t want to be caught with. He looks pointedly away and rubs the back of his head.

“You’re Sora, right?” Neku asks Sora, who nods.

“Yeah but, uh…how do you know that? And how do you and Rueki know each other? And Rueki, what are you doing here?” 

But I don’t get the chance to answer any of that. Neku is as rude and to the point as ever. He grabs Sora’s wrist, yanks his hand forward and flips his palm. 

“Looks like you’re not a Player.” Neku mutters.

“Oh, Sora’s got bitches all over him, he’s a player.” I say. Neku’s eyes flick up to mine as he casts Sora’s hand aside, and regards me with an expression that suggests that he is interested in skinning me alive.

“Ugh. In the Game.” Neku grumbles, stomping away, like a petulant child. All things considered, it’s precious. It’s quite enjoyable that Neku hasn’t changed at all, and that I still can manage to push his buttons decently. “Players are marked with a time limit. And this Game, I can’t afford to lose. I need my Game Partner.”

But that begs the question, if Neku is still playing the Reaper’s Game, why isn’t he in Shibuya? Where is Shiki? And what about that strange ashy haired boy who was so desperate to keep Neku and Shiki in the game? 

What does Neku remember? And why won’t he meet my gaze?

“Okay, I don’t know about any game…” Sora trails off, looking between me and Neku. “But how can I help?”

“What? Time out. Do you trust every total stranger you meet?” Neku raises an eyebrow.

“He does, it’s kind of his thing.” I say, dryly, putting a hand on my hip. Sora pouts.

“Hey! Do not!” Sora insists, which makes him seem all the more innocent.

“Right, sorry. Sora doesn’t trust people who wear black coats. Anyone else is fair game.” I smirk. To my surprise, Neku pales, skin turning the color of chalk, before he turns away. 

“Well, neither of you are any good if you’re not a Player. Besides, my pact is with someone else.” Neku mutters.

“Shiki?” I ask. Neku doesn’t respond, which answers that for me. Again, I wonder, where the hell is she? 

“Are you a Player?” Sora asks me. I shake my head. I remember, vividly, the feeling of a timer being burned into my palm. It’s not a feeling I’m itching to relive soon.

“That’s a negative.” I say. 

“Okay, so neither of us can be your Partner. Why don’t we just help you out as your friends?” Sora asks.

“Oh, now we’re all friends?” Neku snorts. “It’s not that easy.” Little turd.

“Not saying it is, but you could make it easier.” Sora offers and I smirk.

“That’s not his thing. He’s a little prick.” But, like, in the coolest way possible. Truly, I do like Neku and wouldn’t be harassing him if I didn’t. But Neku looks so stiff, so anxious, so annoyed. He just waves his hand.

“Yeah, sounds great. Whatever.” Neku says.

“Cool!” Sora nods. “Lead the way!” 

Without another word, Neku does some strange thing where he swings around the lamp post that Sora and I crashed into, mid hug. With a great leap through the air, Neku lands somewhere behind the Accessory Shop. Sora laughs, a huge smile spreading across his face.

“The fuck was that?” I ask.

“Flowmotion! You should try it!” Sora says, as though it is so very simple. 

“It looks a little ridiculous.” Says the girl who used to be able to summon dark corridors. 

“It’s fun though!” Sora insists. The thought strikes me, I don’t know how long it has been since I’ve done something fun just for the sake of having fun. I’m not sure how much time has passed since joy has been my prerogative. For so much of my life, I felt I needed to look after Del and Amaya. And then, once I left Transmute City, it seemed around every corner, was something or someone that wanted to use me or kill me. Survival became my only focus. I think back to Shibuya. To sitting in Wildkat with Axel, Shiki, Neku and Sanae.

‘Surviving should enhance who you are, not inhibit it’. 

I have been flying by the seat of my pants, scheming, trying to stay ten steps ahead of a lunatic and his guard dog for, well, it would be about two years now. And I’m so completely over it. I’m free. I’m safe. For the first time, since Sora left Transmute City, we’re on the same side, fighting together. Not with me on the sidelines, trying to push Axel’s agenda. I’m going to find him, if it kills me, I’m going to find my lover, but now, I know who I want my allies to be. I want people like Sora by my side, people that do things just for the fun of it. People who make being human again, worth something. 

I bite back a smile.

“Okay, show me what to do.” Sora takes my hand, I feel his pulse, I feel mine, I feel alive as he sprints toward the lamp post. I keep pace, easily, though I do notice how tall he has gotten. He’s at least six inches taller than me, his voice is deeper. He’s growing up so fast and I don’t know whether to be proud or to hate how time seems to pass too fast, fleeting between my fingers like sand. A burst of light seems to pop beneath us, and suddenly, he’s spinning around the pole, and I am flying with him, an extension of him. We are like a moon, revolving around a planet. I feel the wind whipping my hair, my face. I feel the energy, the light beneath us. I feel so beyond alive, I glow from head to toe, and just when I think this sort of euphoria could reach no further peak, we go flying through the air. I am weightless and too heavy all at once. My stomach backflips, I watch the world soar beneath us, until we land, with perfect grace, just behind the Accessory Shop, just like Neku. 

Sora releases my hand and I put my palm against my heart, just to feel it beat. It flutters, a hummingbird in my chest. Elation doesn’t feel so very different from when I didn’t have a heart, but it is still such a welcome feeling.

“So?” He asks. I laugh, feeling breezy.

“Yeah, that was fun. Thanks kid.”

“No problem, old lady.” Sora grins. I roll my eyes, but then realize…

“Oh, hell. I am old. I’m probably twenty now…” I mutter.

“Probably?” Sora asks.

“I mean, I was dead for a little while, I literally just woke up in Transmute City.” I shrug. “Which, um…have you seen any other members of the Organization wandering around anywhere?” 

“You mean Axel.” I don’t know why he needs to state it so explicitly. My lover’s name clutches my heart and yanks. 

“Of course I do.” I sigh. “If I faded and came back, why not him too?” In my own ears it sounds almost too optimistic, and when Sora nods in agreement, I truly fear that it is. 

“Well, maybe he just came back to life in another world? He didn’t end up in Transmute City when he lost his heart, maybe you’re just a special case.” And he does have a point there, but that only raises another unanswered question. I’m not special, so why the hell am I the exception? 

“Maybe.” I shrug. 

We catch up to Neku just inside of the Second District.

“Hey!” Sora waves at the other boy, who simply huffs. “Um…I didn’t catch your name.” 

Before Neku can respond, or I can taunt him for having manners as bad as mine, a group of strange, colorful creatures appear. Dogs, cats, bats, I don’t know what the hell these things are supposed to be, but they certainly aren’t Heartless. Or Nobodies. 

“Dream Eaters!” Neku’s eyes go wide as he gets into a defensive stance….But still, no Shiki? How is he going to fight? If he’s playing the Reaper’s Game, he’s screwed without his partner. 

“That’s a weird name.” Sora chuckles, and dear Twilight, if the boy were any goofier, he might not be able to function.

“Not me, them.” Neku rolls his eyes, which I feel on a deep level.

One lunges at Neku, and honestly, I just react. I don’t think about the fact that Neku couldn’t make it this far if he didn’t have another combat strategy, I don’t think about how capable these two boys, my two friends, certainly are. My protective urges kick in and I fly in front of Neku, hand up to block. The creature slashes across my palm and it stings like hell.

“Shit!” I cry out, shaking out my hand, looking at the slash. It isn’t particularly deep, but it’s bleeding pretty good. Still, an artificial wound like this, in light of all I have endured, is about as bad as a paper cut…which is still pretty bad. 

“What the hell, Rueki?” Neku snaps, summoning a strange, bouncy, cat like creature. I raise an eyebrow as I regard it, feeling like, with the current set of enemies and summons, that I am somehow in a cartoon.

The cat like creature begins to prance down an alleyway, leading some of the other strange, colorful creatures with it. Neku looks between Sora and I with fierce eyes. 

“Don’t let em’ surround us. Let’s split up.” Neku suggests, though I can see a misplaced need to protect both me, and Sora, in his eyes. What a reluctant little hero. And while normally, I know I could hold my own, I sincerely doubt I can just summon one of those strange cat creatures, I don’t have my weapon on me and…Maybe through darkness I can summon it? The dark corridor was off limits, but maybe not all of my dark powers are gone?

Survivor is in terrible shape, will it make it through this battle?

I imagine a whirl of darkness, I imagine Survivor placed perfectly on my arm and a whole lot of nothing happens.

Cool, so I’m a damsel in distress. Fuck this.

“Got it.” Sora nods at Neku. “Hey, Rueki, follow me!” Sora seems to understand my predicament and is a much more seasoned and less reluctant hero. 

“Wait!” Neku holds a hand up, looking uneasily between Sora and I, a million unspoken words hanging in the air. I forgot how bad he is at emoting. Not that I’m one to talk. “Um, it’s Neku, by the way.” Whatever he wanted to say, he’s clearly decided against, and I know that any attempt to press him won’t help matters. He reminds me way too much of my younger self. And regardless, it’s a shit time to get into an argument, with these colorful monsters bouncing around us.

“Huh?” Sora asks.

“Neku Sakuraba. You asked.” Neku shrugs.

“Neku Sakuraba.” Sora smiles. “That’s a mouthful.”

“No, it’s really not.” Neku mutters. I snort loudly.

“Fuck.” I laugh, patting Neku on the shoulder as I pass him to approach Sora. “Don’t tell the others, but you’re my favorite.” Neku raises an eyebrow. 

“You weren’t even trying to be subtle.” Neku rolls his eyes.

“That’s the point, kid.” I smirk, finally next to Sora, who has the good grace to laugh with me. 

“Alright, let’s take em’!” Sora nods.

Sora slashes with his Keyblade, Neku sends the bouncy cat after the other creatures, and I do my best to be the least useless damsel ever. If I can’t fight, the least I can do is stay the hell out of the way.

When the last of the Dream Eaters disperse, Sora turns, looking at the bouncy cat that still stands beside Neku.

“These things with you, they’re Dream Eaters too?” Sora cocks his head, crouching down to look over the cat. Neku nods.

“Yeah. If I’m gonna survive the Game, I’m gonna need some extra help.” He confesses. My eyes flick to his.

“Is that how you’re still able to fight without Shiki?” I ask. Neku just turns away from me, hiding his face in the cowl of his shirt. Seriously, he’s always terrible with emotions, but especially right now. What is his deal? And did something bad happen to Shiki? The very thought makes my stomach clench, as though someone is squeezing it.

“Sora, do you think you could control them?” Neku asks.

“Sure, I guess.” Sora nods. Neku looks between Sora and I again, with the same sick expression on his face, and I swear, if he doesn’t say something soon, I am going to punch him. It isn’t necessarily his fault, but I’m pretty over people keeping secrets from me.

“Listen, if you don’t fucking—” I start, but Neku quickly cuts me off.

“Let’s keep going.” He says, and before Sora or I have time to get a word in edgewise, he takes off. Little fucking prick is definitely hiding something. I turn to Sora, mouth set in a pout, but he just looks so perfectly comfortable following Neku around, blindly.

In his defense, he hasn’t spent the past two years, getting bamboozled by a skinny redhead.

We chase after Neku, who seems to always be at least five steps ahead. No matter how fast we go, he moves faster, and he doesn’t offer a single word to me or to Sora. No questions for the Keybearer, no ‘how’s it going’ for me. Nothing. If I could catch this smarmy little fucker, I would—

“I brought you Sora! We had a bargain!” I don’t know who Neku is shouting at, but he instantly comes to a stop in the middle of the third district, pale hands clenched into tight fists.

A black portal swirls on a ledge and my stomach drops. I grab Sora’s arm, skin pulled tight across my knuckles. No. No, no, no. I can’t… 

I feel every bit of my new heart, hammering in my chest, trying to climb up my throat, trying to flee my body, which is no longer a shelter, but a prison. 

The figure that emerges from the portal is on the shorter side, though still taller than me. About the same height as Sora, but hooded. My immediate instinct though is that it isn’t Roxas. For how quickly my empathy link with Sora seemed to connect, I feel like I would know instantly if this were actually Roxas. 

“No way.” Sora chokes.

“You little fuck. Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” I snap at Neku, my senses suddenly coming back to me, my panic ebbing just enough.

“You don’t get it, Rueki.” Neku barely whispers. I release my grip on Sora, who summons his Keyblade, just in time for the figure to leap off of the ledge. “Hey! That wasn’t the deal! You said you wouldn’t hurt him!” Neku insists.

“Yeah, assholes in black coats like to lie a lot.” I snap, throwing my hands up. Before the person in the coat has time to attack Sora, Neku dives in, arms up.

“Don’t, Neku! They’re too dangerous!” Sora insists. And I want to tell him that Neku has made his bed and that he’s grown enough to deal with the consequences. I want to summon a weapon and leap to Sora’s defense. I want to chastise Neku that he’s better than this, and too smart to be making deals with the devil. I want to save these two boys from their idiot selves, but something else takes hold of me.

My vision goes black. I hear Sora whisper

“What? Why am I so sleepy…?” 

Fuck. No. Whatever is happening to Sora is effecting me, pulling me from this world, infecting my limbs with an impossible weight. In the blackness of my vision, there is an impenetrable fog, so thick, I think the blades of Survivor couldn’t cut through. I try to swim past it, to push through. I can do this, I’m strong enough, and weapon or no, I am the only one of the three of us that is experienced in shouldering the darkness. They need me.

Abruptly, I hear a man chuckle, though try as I may to look around, I see nothing and no one.

“Oh man, looks like you made it after all. Great job, little Rueki. I knew you had it in you.” I know the voice. Through the fog, through the haze, as I grasp desperately for a purchase in this dream, I try to cling to the voice.

“What are you talking about?” My voice comes out in a breathy choke, it doesn’t sound like me, too delicate, too dizzy and I hate it. I can do this, if I just push through a little further, I can dive deeper into this dream.

“Wouldn’t do that if I were you. Gets pretty dangerous diving into dreams, kiddo. I need you around a little longer than this.” The voice warns, and despite the words, I don’t hear even a note of protectiveness.

“Sora needs me.” I insist. But even as I say it, the pinprick of clarity I once had, disappears, surrounding me in something warm and cloudy. I could fall into it. It would be so easy.

“Yeah, and I bet he’ll need you again next time you take a nap, too. You dive too deep into a dream, you might just brush the edge of death. Don’t think I can pull you back from that one.” The voice says. 

“Fuck death.” I reply.

“You’re not that stupid. Or suicidal.” And the voice is right.

“I’ve. Got. To. Do. Something.” It takes every bit of my effort to speak. My body feels so incredibly heavy. My grip on this realm is slipping.

“Oh, you will. Give it time. Your role in this is bigger than you think.” The voice taunts.

“You’re a fucker.” I say.

“Ha, wouldn’t be the worst thing you’ve ever called me.” The voice laughs.

“I know you, then?” I ask.

“You already know the answer to that.” The voice says.

I wake, limbs snapping, body jolting, as though I have just been yanked out of an ice bath. My heart hammers into my temples. The room is warm, a fire is still lit, Del and Amaya are still asleep on the floor near me—idiots. 

So that was a dream? 

I search the tunnels of my heart and can feel Sora, still. He’s not as vibrant, opening up for me the way he once was. But I can certainly feel him, I can still sense the same memories.

So, maybe this was all a dream. But does it make it any less real? I’ve had strange dreams before, gazes into the past, gazes into Sora’s mind. So why not this? If he’s traversing the sleeping worlds, then why should I not be able to visit his sleeping heart in my dreams? Certainly, stranger has happened at this point. Believing this is impossible would be more foolish than I care to be.

A sharp pain in my hand stills my thoughts. I toss aside the comforter it is under, seeing that my abdomen is now completely healed, with only yet another angry white scar left in its wake. But this is not the most interesting thing that catches my eye. My eyes flick to my palm, the source of the pain, where I see a fresh, shallow gash. It is still bleeding.

Right in the place I blocked the Dream Eater’s blow.  
 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, you might be asking yourself, 'Sam, why did the posting schedule change? You're the worst!' And that I am, friends. But I also just got my official schedule for my new job, and I'm off on Mondays and Thursdays, so it makes more sense for me to post on these days, that way I've got plenty of time to edit the chapters!

III.

I can walk on my own in the morning. I can shower on my own, and as the water hits my skin, blistering and not hot enough, all at once, I watch scabs fall off, dried blood, grime. I scrub away traces of my past as much as I can. I try to erase the memories of my life as a Nobody. I try to cling to memories of my childhood, in Radiant Garden—Hollow Bastion’s true name—afraid to lose them again. 

This doesn’t feel real, none of this.

Not staying with Del and Amaya, not the strange dream of Sora. Not the healing wound on my hand. Yet again, I catch myself placing my hand against my chest, just to feel the beating of my heart. 

It’s the only thing that keeps me clinging to reality, the only thing that doesn’t send my thoughts spiraling back into my previous life. That was then, this is now. Plain and fucking simple. The gravity of this situation, the fact that I don’t have Axel back, burns me. I feel as though my nerve endings have been severed, they hang raw, waiting to be mended. Waiting for his return.

Completely clean, I wrap myself in a towel and heave a sigh. 

I am in a house with my old clothes, I have no munny, no weapon, no supplies, no belt for supplies. My body still aches, sore, throbbing from head to toe. I want to leave. Clearly, I can be injured in my dreams with Sora, the last thing I need s Del and Amaya being woken to the sight of me being torn apart. And yet, despite how restless I truly am, deep down, I know my body’s limits. Physically, I am not ready to depart.

Wrapped in a towel, I emerge from the bathroom to see Amaya, sitting at the kitchen table, a steaming mug caught between her hands, which are covered by the sleeves of a thick, fluffy, white robe. Her eyes don’t even flick to mine as she speaks.

“I thought you were going to be gone in the morning.” Her voice is breathy, soft, like windchimes during the slightest of breezes. Del snores quietly from the living room floor. It kills me how gentle this moment is, how much I know I would like this to feel like home. But after my dream, after tasting, yet again, what adventure feels like, this very sweet life I could have with my friends feels meaningless and shallow.

“I should probably stay around for another day.” Doesn’t mean I don’t wish that I could be content with all of this. 

“You’re still having a hard time getting around, aren’t you?” She accuses, though her voice stays level, gentle, and her eyes certainly do not meet mine.

“I can walk.” I say. She makes a soft sound with her lips still pursed together. This is much more characteristic of the Amaya I used to know. She rarely gets mad, but when she does, it’s all static. Eerie silence, an avoided gaze. She’s never done conflict well, even last night, I recall the trembling in her body, the tears prickling her eyes. I pull out a chair and sit across from her, sighing.

“My heart is connected to Sora’s. I can walk in and out of it like it’s a different room in the house. I can see into his mid, his heart, his memories, and now his dreams.” I lay my palm out across the table, facing upward, revealing the gash across my hand. Her head snaps, her eyes interested, her purposefully aloof face now soft, concerned. “I can interact with him, I can watch what happens to him, I can fight with him.”

“How is that even possible?” She breathes, eyes wide and frightened, like a doe. 

“Some sort of voodoo magic.” I reply. “I’m not even sure how it works, really. It started out as me just being able to feel what Sora felt, and only in my sleep. And then I started to feel things when I was awake. And then it extended to Roxas, his Nobody. With a little bit of practice, I was able to find their hearts and minds all on my own, and then, project thoughts and feelings of my own onto them. Now it’s almost like a gateway. I can see into Sora’s heart as easily as my own.”

“You’re not safe.” She murmurs, setting the mug down on the table. I see a tea bag floating inside of it. With gentle hands, she reaches across the table and takes my wrist between her fingers, looking over my palm. “You’re going to need a weapon to bring into your dreams, something to keep you safe.” 

I shift, uncomfortably, taking my hand back from her. That was hardly the reaction I was expecting. I gave Amaya so little, a brief additional glimpse into the hell that my mind has become. And in return, she offers me a mile. I’m an absolute shit friend.

“And some new clothes, too. All of the stuff I have here is old, and not exactly made for fighting.” I say. “Not to mention a place to store items.” 

“Well, I need to pick up some things for the nursery.” Amaya tucks her hair behind her ear, delicately. 

“Maybe we should go shopping.” I shrug. Even though I have no munny. Fuck. “Um, on second thought, I’m broke.” Amaya giggles.

“Del and I make a lot of munny, Rueki. Now go put some clothes on, let’s get out of here before Del wakes up and feels obligated to come along.” 

Shopping with Amaya is infinitely easier than shopping with Shiki, though also a lot less entertaining. Fifteen minutes after entering a store, I walk out with a pair of high waisted, white denim shorts, a black, high neck, sleeveless crop top, with geometric cutouts along the bottom, a pair of opaque, black tights and some red and white sneakers. 

We go into a weapons store. A clerk sits behind the desk, popping her bubble gum. She looks up, boredly, arching an eyebrow. 

“Oh, hey.” Is her very professional greeting. 

“What do you have as far as weapons go?” I ask. She pops her gum and points to a nearly empty wall on the side of the store. “Jeez, you guys look like you got raided.” 

“Nah, we just don’t really have to stock up anymore. Haven’t seen a lot of customers since the Keybearer cleared this world of Heartless.” She rolls her eyes as though this is some great inconvenience. 

“You’re welcome.” I mutter. She snorts.

“You’re not the Keyblade Master.” She says.

“No, I’m his best friend.” Well, kind of. She just pops her gum louder. I pick up a pair of dusty looking, black, leather fingerless gloves off of a shelf, blow them off and decide, hey, why the hell no?. I grab a black leather belt with a pouch for accessories on the hip and when Amaya and I get over to the weapons, she purses her lips.

“They don’t have any Claws.” She says. And she’s right, and it’s nice to know that she hasn’t forgotten my preference. 

“We got Knuckles.” The clerk shouts. That they do, but my defense is already absolute shit. At least with a Claw, my arm is sheathed, safe. 

“I don’t fucking like Knuckles.” I mutter. 

“Well, wouldn’t that be more convenient to take into your dreams?” Amaya asks, tilting her head to the side. She’s right, Knuckles like that, I could easily pack into the pouch on my belt. I look over their names, their styles. L’avarice, La Paresse, L’envie. 

“Since when have you had to critically think about how to fight?” I ask, my voice wavering slightly. I look at Amaya’s prosthetic arm, I look at the barely visible, pale scars on her face. Her will is stronger than it was when I left, that is certain. She is braver, but I remember the delicate girl she was, the one caught in an explosion, the one who needed me to protect her. The Heartless are gone, I hate the thought that she might have felt unsafe at any point in my absence. Amaya shouldn’t have to defend herself. This fucking world should just be good enough for her.

“Since Del decided to dabble in every style of fighting possible, after you left.” Her lips are pursed. Did she just roll her eyes? There’s an agitation in her tone at the mere mention of Del that I am not quite comfortable with. It’s unfair, but in my mind, they’re still a fairy tale prince and princess. After finding out Amaya was pregnant, I didn’t even once consider that there might be some tension. I never paid any mind to the fact that Del wanted her back so badly after she broke up with him. 

“Speaking of which, what is the deal with you two? Are you together? The baby is his, right?” I raise an eyebrow, picking up a pair of shiny, black Knuckles with long spikes protruding from them. La Luxure. I lace my fingers through the holes and take an experimental swing. I cannot deny, I do like how lightweight these are. I will be fast, deadly.

“Yes, it’s his, of course. But I don’t need him. I mean, I want him to be involved, but I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking she has to be with someone she doesn’t love, out of obligation. I can’t deny, of course I know he wants us to be together. And it would be so easy being with him. But Rueki, I don’t love him, no more than I would love a brother. He deserves better, and so do I. I can’t just keep doing what’s easy because I’m scared or because I want other people to be happy, I get that now. I have to. My child needs someone to look up to, and I want to be that person.” Amaya huffs, pretending to busy herself with a pair of silver Knuckles--l’orgueil. I watch her roll her lower lip back and forth, between her teeth. Oh? I raise an eyebrow and lean against the wall. 

Bubblegum smacks her gum. 

Amaya won’t meet my gaze. She runs her fingers across the holes of the Knuckles and when she finally speaks, she looks toward the door. “It happened the night you left. You and Axel. I was just so worried for the two of you, I was so emotional, and Del’s just so…familiar. It was comforting. You show up with all of these scars, and this new man and this exciting life and it was just so much to handle. I didn’t know what to do, you never let us help you. You just keep taking on more and more. Pushing me to open the Gummi Shop, pushing us to get the house, fighting alongside Sora, fighting alongside heroes or villains or whatever Organizations XIII was—”

“A bunch of cunts.” I respond and to my surprise, she huffs out a laugh. She pauses a little, her prosthetic hand resting on the slight bulge of her stomach, the Knuckles dangling limply from her real hand.

“You always have so much, Rueki. I’m not dumb, I know you’re not here with Del and I still because you want to be, you’re here because you still feel terrible. I know you don’t think we can do anything, and maybe we can’t, I don’t know. I just wish you’d understand that this is still your home. And even if I can’t fight off Heartless or Nobodies, even if Del only dreams of playing the hero, but isn’t strong enough to be one, I just want you to remember this is where we grew up. This place is safe. If I can’t create a safe place for you, how am I supposed to create a safe place for her?” Her eyes stray on her stomach, her shoulders start to tremble, visible even in her bulky coat. I reach out and wrap my arms around her, careful not to brush the Knuckles against her. 

“Can’t you fucking see, I’m trying to keep everyone safe. I’m not safe. You, Del, your baby, you all deserve to be.” I remind her.

“Then why not you too?” She asks. I squeeze her tighter. 

“Because there’s something I need to do that’s a lot more important than being safe. I know this is my home, Maya. I know you’re my family. I know you guys always think I try to act like I’m better than you, but I know I’m fucking not. I’m an asshole. You guys deserve better than getting in the crosshairs of my actions.” I pull away from her, squeezing her shoulders. “I will come home. One day, I will. I promise. But right now, there’s someone I need more than anyone else.”

“Axel.” She nods, and I see her trying to blink back the faintest stream of tears. It’s disgusting, how Amaya can look so much like an angel, pregnant, dressed up in too many layers, with still choppy hair and tears streaming down her cheeks. I love her anyway.

“You’ve grown up so much, Maya. You can do this with or without Del, and you’re right, you both deserve to be happy. But I don’t want to do this without Axel. I don’t even want to try. I need to heal up, I need to find him, and I need to do my damndest to help Sora for the time being.” I tell her, hoping that I’m coming across as sincere, as genuine, as utterly candid, because this time, I am. For the first time, I’m not acting as her protector. I’m not trying to push her away to keep her safe. For the first time, I look at her, and I don’t see the little girl who took my hand and pulled me out of the broom closet. I see a woman, expecting a child, a woman that I have grown with. A woman that needs me to lay all of my cards out on the table and offer her nothing but my honesty. And so, this time, I do. 

She reaches out, her prosthetic hand resting on my back. My friend, my equal.

“One day, you will come home.” She says.

“Yes, I promise, Amaya.” I insist. Finally, shakily, she nods.

“Then let’s get you healed up.”

And by time I fall asleep that night, I am. I drink a regular regimen of Potions, twice an hour while I sit in the Gummi repair shop, assisting Amaya as she toils away at something called a Teeny Ship for me. It will be perfect, she insists, made for speed and stealth, which admittedly, sounds great for me. I change into my new outfit, pulling on the tights, the shorts, the shoes, the shirt, the gloves. I loop my La Luxure to my belt and my belt through my belt loops, the pouch now loaded with Potions from the closet at home. I pull my hair up and tell Amaya about my dream. I get everything off my chest, to my friend, to someone who wants to be my safe place to trust, and I am all too happy to let her become that. I realize, this is, yet again, something I am doing for sheer pleasure, and it just feels so damn good. I need to expel the pain, the darkness that I can still physically feel creeping at the edges of my being. I need to force enough light into my life to push out the fear that slithers in the second a shadow shifts the wrong way. I need a blinding ray of sunshine and Amaya is not that, but she is something. 

By the end of the night, my Teeny Ship is ready to go, and Amaya squeezes my hand before tucking me in on the couch. I hate it, I protest, I try to tell her it is unnecessary, but in the warmth of the securely tucked blankets, I fall easily into a dream.

\--

When I drop, I don’t meet up with Sora, though as Traverse Town comes flooding into my vision, my empathy link nearly glows. Sora is nearby, for sure. But instead of greeting him, I see another spikey haired boy, standing only a few feet from me, on the roof of a building.

“You stupid fuck.” 

Neku flinches and whips around, looking uneasily at me.

“I didn’t want you involved.” He tries.

“Go fuck yourself.” I snap. “You spent more than fifteen seconds with Sora, that’s all it takes to realize he’s a good kid, if even I could figure that out, so can you!”

“You don’t get it!” Neku sighs, shaking his head.

“You don’t know the fucking lengths I’ve gone through, to keep him alive, I know I haven’t seen you in forever, but I didn’t realize you became a little fucking prick since—”

“It’s not like I wanted to!” Neku’s hands ball into fists as he narrows his eyes at me.

“And I swear, if a single hair on that boy’s head was harmed, I will—”

“They took Shiki from me.” Neku’s words nearly crush me. But it makes sense, it makes perfect sense. The Dream Eater he fought with, the fact that he won’t say a single word about Shiki. They didn’t have a fight, he isn’t just being elusive. Neku is mourning. Neku is me, expecting the worst, not daring to hope, because when you care for someone, when you trust someone with everything you are, and suddenly, they are torn from you. Hope isn’t safe. There’s only one option. Getting dirty, doing anything in you power to get them back.

“Fuck.” I get it. “The guy in the black coat took her?”

“I don’t…I don’t know, he promised he’d bring her back to me, Rueki. I can’t find her, but I can feel her, and I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do. I get it, I was dumb, I screwed up, but I don’t know what to do anymore, she’s my partner!” He smashes his fists to his temples, a wild, horrified look painting his features. I’m reminded, instantly, of watching him break down in the Composer’s Pad. I reach out, knowing Neku is like no one else in my life but me. He doesn’t need a hug, in fact, he doesn’t want one. He wants exactly what I want. A solution, and I cannot offer that, so I offer the next best thing. I commiserate. 

“Axel’s gone. Turns out, both of us didn’t have hearts. He died, he left me alone. So, I died to save Sora. Now I’m back, and I have no idea if he is or not, but I’ve been stuck in my home world for two days, healing and it’s driving me nuts. I need him back. And I’m going to get him back if it kills me. And you’re going to get Shiki back, we’ll fucking figure something out.” I insist, wrapping my hands around his wrists, gently pulling them to his sides. He looks into my eyes, the wild look slowly dissipating, though it is replaced by something skeptical.

“You can’t know that.” He mutters.

“No, and I can’t know Axel is alive. But…don’t be a dick.” I murmur. Neku successfully bites back a smile, drop my hands from him.

“I just want the two of us to go home.” He whispers. 

“Neku, why are you here?” I ask. He shakes his head.

“I don’t remember much.” He confesses. This doesn’t surprise me, in fact, what surprises me more is that he even remembers me. The ashy haired kid, the prissy looking boy, the Composer, he mentioned something about wiping Neku and Shiki’s memories again and again, a thousand times, to play the Reaper’s Game with them again. “Things just come back randomly. I forgot about you and Axel, until I saw you, and then that whole week came flooding back.”

“Yeah, you had that same issue the week we were there. Right before I got attacked by that Shark Noise, you had some weird flashbacks.” I nod.

“Yeah…” Neku mutters, sighing. “I just…I remember Shiki and I at the Composer’s Pad, and my friend, Joshua—” Oh that’s the fucking prissy kid!

“He’s the Composer.” I say. Neku shrugs, and to my surprise, he seems to have recalled this already.

“Yeah, he’s a dick.” Oh, maybe Neku does remember him just fine. “But, I mean, at least he’ll admit it. He just told Shiki and I that he messed something up, and that taking us here was the only way to keep us safe. So, we’re just…here.”

“Are you still dead then?” Although, I have no idea if he knows he’s dead, but I really am over the whole secrets nonsense. Thankfully, he does seem to remember this.

“Yeah. Lucky you, it doesn’t stick.” He rolls his eyes.

“Shit, dude, if you want to not have a heart for a decade, like, be my guest. It’s a free ticket to come back to life.” I snort. He bites back a smile, but looks over me.

“Is that what happened to you?” He asks, voice barely audible. In this outfit, my scars are visible. I think this is the most exposed I have ever felt. No one else’s gaze makes me shift so much. I think it’s because I see a younger me, so hurt, so unsure. Before I answer, we hear footsteps.

“Neku! Rueki! You guys are alright.” We turn, me with my arms crossed to my chest, Neku with his eyebrow raised as we regard Sora, who is now toting around a young girl.

“Sora…what, you still trust me?” Neku asks.

“I already told you, that’s kind of his thing.” I remind him.

“Of course, I do!” Sora nods, bobbing his head in time with his footfalls. 

“But you know that I tricked you, right? That guy in the black coat, he said he could send me home--me and my partner--but I had to bring you to him first. Sorry.” Neku’s eyes dart away.

“No big deal, when it really mattered, you stood up for me. And besides, we’re friends, right?” Sora asks.

“Friends…” Neku says, seeming to weigh the words, trying to figure out exactly what he wants them to mean. He exhales, heavily, looking to me, almost as though he wants my input. Which is probably the most flattering compliment I could ever expect from Neku.

“Oh, hey, Neku. This here is Rhyme. Is she your Game Partner?” Sora asks.

“No. Sorry, I’m teamed up with somebody else.” Neku replies. 

All it takes is one second. The blink of an eye, a quick breath. Suddenly, Rhyme is gone, evaporated into the air.

“Huh?” Neku asks at the same time I mutter “What the hell?”

“What? Rhyme?” Sora chokes out.

In that same instant, a figure in a black coat appears, the same one that met Neku, I am certain. Just the build alone has me convinced that whoever this is, is not a member of the Organization XIII I knew. Whoever it is is too young, too slender, but not young enough to be Roxas. This person is a stranger. I detach La Luxure from my belt and lace my fingers through the Knuckles. Sora summons his Keyblade. But Neku? In an utterly uncharacteric move, he takes off, charging at the cloaked figure, a hatred burning deep in his eyes. And I don’t try to stop him, instead, I follow him, grip on La Luxure, like a vice. As much as I was upset at Neku for selling Sora out, as much as I was beyond irritated with his rashness, I cannot pretend I wouldn’t have acted the same. Anything for Axel. Everything for Axel.

And everything for my friends who keep having their lives destroyed by darkness. 

Neku goes to slash a beam of light across the figure, who knocks him away with ease. The boy cries out and goes flying across the rooftop, limp body slamming against the edge of the roof.

“Neku!” Sora cries.

“You’ll pay for that.” I snarl, rolling my shoulders back as I close the distance between me and the figure. He doesn’t knock me away, the way he does Neku. Instead, he leaps back. Gritting my teeth, I lunge forward, Knuckles first, extending my range as far as my limbs will allow me. The spikes of my Knuckles brush his coat. I hear a soft, derisive snort, and for a moment, I am reminded so thoroughly of Marluxia. But it’s not him, I know. Marluxia was cocky, even if he were recompleted, there’s no way he wouldn’t have arrogantly sought out a fight, after reigning victorious over Neku. “Who are you?” I hiss.

“Well, wouldn’t you like to know?” An unfamiliar voice taunts.

“Yeah, obviously, that’s why I fucking asked.” I take another long step forward, punching, La Luxure angled for a particularly devastating blow. Instead of being a good little asshole and taking the brunt of my attack, the figure leaps back, just far enough to be out of my reach.

“Rueki! Be careful!” Sora warns. The figure raises his arms, high above his head, and from the sky, it seems as though a portal is opening. Through it, falls the largest, strangest looking Dream Eater, yet. A giant, multi colored monkey. I can nearly feel the smirk radiating off of the cloaked figure, who summons a dark corridor of his own, and then abruptly disappears into it. “Huh? Hey! Wait!” Sora cries out, chasing toward where the dark corridor closes up, only just out of my reach. But I don’t dare trespass into it. My heart aches, I stop dead in my tracks. I don’t know how, if it’s just because I’m in a dream world, or if I’m just now more sensitive to my body’s reactions, but I swear, I can feel darkness, wrapped tightly around my heart, like a chain. I’m not consumed by it, it does not control me, but whether an external darkness, or remnants of my own dark past are left behind, I know it is there. And I’ve got a gut feeling that if I rush, headlong, into the darkness, that those chains will crush me. 

The giant, strange monkey hops in front of us as Sora skids to a halt in front of me.

“Out of the way!” Sora readies his Keyblade. I tighten my grip on La Luxure. The Monkey leaps around, in a gesture that is supposed to be threatening, but this fight is nothing for Sora and I.

I throw myself, full speed, at the Nightmare, and am thrown by how swiftly I am able to move. Without a Claw to weigh me down, nothing inhibits me. This speed is blinding. A grin flick at the edge of my lips. The Monkey sends a fist, flying out, but I leap off of it and backflip, midair. With a quick swishing of my arms, I slash across it, savoring the feeling of La Luxure tearing through the creature.

I don’t like Knuckles. I do wish I had a Claw. But truly, the way these spikes shred through the Dream Eater, is so satisfying, I almost feel as though this weapon was made for me. 

The Monkey throws its fist forward, rocketing toward me, and with absolutely zero defense, I do go sailing back, skidding across the glass roof. 

“Rueki!” Sora cries out, but charges at the Monkey, who pummels a fist at him. Sora raises his Keyblade, and the weight of the blow deflects with a loud ‘clang’. I stand up on shaky feet, roll my shoulders back and thank whatever powers that rule this dream, that my dream self isn’t suffering the effects of coming back from the dead. I watch, as Sora trades blows with the Monkey, who seems to draw its gloved fists into a box on its chest, almost like a demented sort of wind up toy. It flails its fists around wildly, screeching, before sending a powerful attack at Sora. Never once, though, is it able to block his attack. The Monkey staggers gracelessly around, trying to find its footing, with each of Sora’s attacks. I might have no defense, but neither does this thing. I can work with that.

Sora smashes into the Monkey with his Keyblade, I duck, low, into the fastest sprint my body is capable of. Wind whips past my hair, the Monkey is so utterly focused on Sora that it doesn’t notice me, until I close the distance, leap into the air, and send a barrage of attacks at it. Clawing, slashing, gashing with La Luxure. Finally, I deliver a kick to its boxy chest. The Monkey screeches so loud, I genuinely worry that I might go deaf, for a moment. It pounds against its chest, before sending a fist after me. But I see the move coming a mile away. I simply cartwheel aside. Sora rolls opposite me and when the Monkey draws its fists back into its chest, we exchange a victorious look. I sail in, La Luxure drawn back as Sora charges with his Keyblade. The sheer might of our combined blows is enough to cause the Monkey to start sputtering. Darkness licks away at the edges of it.

Just like Zexion. Just like Axel.

No, no, fuck no. I can’t. I freeze, my body starts shaking, I can only see in patches, the rest of my world becomes consumed by fog that I cannot break free from. I don’t want to have a panic attack, not now, please not now.

I am so blinded by the desperate need to fight my way through my anxiety, that I don’t notice the Monkey, in one final move, smashes its fists against the glass ceiling we stand on.

I topple through into blackness. I fall forever, I fall for lifetimes. And then--

“You’re doing well.” 

“I know you.” This time, through the inky black haze, at the edge of the dream world, I can make out a silhouette, equally as black, barely the sketch of an outline. But it’s something, it’s a body and not just a misplaced voice, taunting me in the void. 

“Sure do, kiddo.” I reach out to touch the silhouette, but it is just out of reach.

“Why can’t I figure out who you are?” I ask.

“Sleep magic is kinda funny. Makes everything all hazy. Nothing like you’ve ever experienced before. And not something you should keep playing with. Wake up, little Rueki. Things get dangerous when you cling to a dream long after it’s over.” The words are anciently wise and flecked with playful youth all in one. But the words resonate, deep. I feel them stir in the pit of my stomach, and with the wave of my hand I clear the fog, to see the silhouette standing opposite me. The void I am in is still dark, but I can make out the leather trench coat with the hood up. 

Only one person has ever called me ‘little Rueki’. 

“Take off your fucking hood, Xigbar.” 

I swear, I can feel him grinning, deep into my soul, as though there is something that connects us, winding us just as tightly as my empathy link with Sora, and yet, so very different. But he does as he’s told, and I’m met by a familiar, scarred face with a glowing, golden eye.

“Can’t say I didn’t expect you to figure it out, eventually. It’s easier this way, I mean, haven’t you had enough secrets kept from you?” He smiles his wolfish smile and my grip on La Luxure tightens.

“Fuck you.” I spit. 

“Glad to see you’ve still got your temper. This would’ve been boring without it.” Xigbar laughs. 

“You were recompleted, then?” I raise an eyebrow.

“More or less.” He replies, with the wave of his hand. There’s a darkness shadowing his presence now though, the closer I look, the easier it is to see.

“You’re still working with Xemnas.”

“Xehanort, actually. But close enough.” He replies. “And to answer the question that I know is just burning you up, your boyfriend was recompleted too. Congratulations, you two kiddies can have your happy ending. But you’re a good girl, aren’t you, Rueki? You know you’ve got another job you’ve got to finish before you get to play with him again, right? You’ve gotta take care of Roxas.”

“You know, for as fun as it was to be manipulated by you smarmy pieces of shit the first time, I think I’m gonna have to pass.” I raise La Luxure, draw them back and charge. I ghost straight through Xigbar, a phantom in this dreamscape. I hit the ground behind him, on my knees. I hear him chuckle, it fills the room in the most disorienting way ever. This feels exactly like the time we spent in Wonderland together, him shifting planes, distorting gravity, tearing me through time and space. I don’t think this has anything to do with sleep magic, this is all Xigbar.

“Oh man, and here I was, about to tell you how to find red. You’ve got one hell of an attitude on you, don’t you?” He laughs as I stand and he turns to me. My legs shake as I struggle to cling to the dream, despite how dizzy he is making me. “Just like your mom, through and through.” 

“Cool, right, whatever, you knew my parents.” And I do recall him mentioning that once to me, but it means nothing. He inclines an eyebrow.

“Huh, funny.” He mutters. “Guess I thought you’d remember, when everything else came back.” He shrugs, though I can see a deep disappointment in his visible eye. 

“You know, for someone so insistent that I’ve had enough secrets kept from me, you’re a terrible hypocrite. Try some consistency, you know, like a normal human being?” I offer.

“Ha, as if. I gave up humanity. Don’t need it.” He says, as blithely as one might behave when discussing throwing away old clothing. I look to him with wide eyes and he just chuckles. “Damn, you really are special, so special, kiddo. Cuz you’re just not, but like, look at the lengths your heart will go to!” He shakes his head.

“I’m done, I’m not interested in talking to you when you just say vague, random shit.” I wave my hand. “I’ll find Axel on my own, I don’t need you, I don’t need Xemnas, I don’t need anyone.” To my surprise, he doesn’t fight me in the slightest, instead, he closes the distance between us and pats my cheek. How he is able to touch me, when I can’t touch him, I do not know, but as I release my hold on the dream world, I hear his voice, a whisper.

“May your heart be your guiding key.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so for reference here is my unoffical character height guide. I know there are comparisons of character models that people have guessed Kairi to be like 4'3" and Lexaeus to be like 8'2" based on their renderings and I'm not down for that, I don't feel like that's realistic at all. As for Sora, I think he does have an officially released height of 5'3" but I'm also not down with that as the average 16 year old boy is 5'9" according to Google. So, I made my own heights for everyone.
> 
> Rueki: 5’0”  
> Del: 5’9”  
> Amaya: 5’4”  
> Sora: 5’6”  
> Riku: 5’10”  
> Kairi: 5’3”  
> Roxas: 5’6”  
> Xion: 5’4”  
> Axel: 6’3”  
> Naminé: 5’1”  
> Ventus: 5’6”  
> Terra: 6’1”  
> Aqua: 5’8”  
> Aerith: 5’5”  
> Yuffie: 5’6”  
> Leon: 6’0”  
> Cid: 5’9”  
> Aeleus: 6’7”  
> Ienzo: 5’7”  
> Dilan: 6’5”  
> Vexen: 6’0”  
> Demyx: 6’1”  
> Xigbar: 6’1”  
> Replica Riku: 5’5”  
> Larxene: 5’7”  
> Marluxia: 5’9”  
> Luxord: 5’10”  
> Vanitas: 5’6”  
> Saix: 6’1”  
> Ansem: 6’1”  
> Xemnas: 6’1”  
> Young Xehanort: 5’7”  
> Ansem the Wise: 6’0”  
> Hayner: 5’7”  
> Pence: 5’6”  
> Olette: 5’4”

IV.

A Teeny Ship has just enough space for me, another seat, and well…

Nothing else. 

Amaya packs me a sandwich, Del gives me a tight hug and tells me that I better come back home for the birth of his and Amaya’s child, they throw more munny at me then I know how to spend. I promise I’ll do what I can, but an unspoken truth hangs between me and Amaya. There is a very good chance I will not be home for a long time.

I take off into the atmosphere and instantly think, if I could keep my ship here, soaring through space for my entire life, this could be it for me. I could be happy. The constellations, the rocky landscapes, the treasure spheres, they’re breathtakingly beautiful to me, everything I’ve ever wanted. I shift a gear, pull a lever and take off, at the speed of light. The force on such a small ship whips my hair back. The G Force isn’t nauseating at this level, but exhilarating. For a moment, my brain goes blank, my body goes numb as I focus on the feeling of being light years above any and everything. This is what real freedom feels like. 

But suddenly, Xigbar’s voice is in my head again, reminding me that Axel has awakened somewhere, possibly anywhere. And despite having no information to work with, I do have an idea. 

The familiar feeling of orange sunsets. Sea salt ice cream. The glow the town seems to radiate, from the view atop the clock tower. I know exactly where I would take off and wait for Axel, if I were the waiting type. I know where I’d want the two of us to reunite. 

With the slight turn of a wheel and the press of a button, my navigation map is up, and I am cruising, at an impossible speed, in the direction of a place I once built my entire future with Axel around. Twilight Town comes into sight and the second I am close enough to land, I do, disembarking right in the Main Street: Tram Common. 

The area is bustling, unlike that week Roxas and I spent, on summer vacation, in the data Twilight Town. A crisp breeze ruffles my ponytail. A child laughs at their friend and says they’re craving ice cream. 

I hear a haughty laugh.

“Huh. I don’t remember welcoming any outsiders into my town.”

I roll my shoulders back and roll my eyes in turn, as I angle myself to where Seifer, Musclehead, the white haired girl, and Vivi stand. 

“Mmm, so you’re just as annoying as ever.” I offer a petty smile.

“Strangers.” The white haired girl says.

“Yeah, if we knew you, Seifer woulda said something, ya know?” Musclehead asks.   
“Well, intellectually stimulating as this conversation has been, I’ve got other things to focus on. So, Crop Top, have a nice.” I twiddle my fingers as I make a move to leave, but apparently Seifer is even more of a dick, along with being slightly older and mildly more muscly. He wraps a huge hand around my arm. I tense. “Did I ask you to fucking touch me?” I feel the weight of my Knuckles as they dangle off my belt. I wonder if they tear through enemies in real life as beautifully as they do in dreams.

“I don’t know what kind of manners pass, where you’re from, but that kind of attitude isn’t tolerated here. Have some respect.” Seifer sneers.

“Oh, was I supposed to courtesy?” I ask. Seifer snorts and drops his hand away from me, which is probably the smartest choice. 

“You don’t belong in my town.” Seifer says. “Get out of here, don’t waste my time by causing trouble.” Perhaps Twilight Town wasn’t the smartest place to start. I’m tired, diving into Sora’s dreams has left me a little antsy, as though I have gotten half the amount of sleep I should’ve. I’m irritable as all hell as a result and Seifer is the human equivalent to a cheese grater on my nerves.

My body is healed now, I can take this fucker down no problem.

“I’m a little busy to be handling some whiny teenager. Why don’t we just part ways and call it a day?” I ask. He can make as many comments about me being rude as he wants, but no one is going to accuse me of not trying to be the bigger person. I’m probably twenty now, I remind myself—and fuck, I should look at a calendar—I really have no business picking fights with teenagers. Even particularly annoying teenagers like this. 

“What did you call me?” Seifer scoffs. 

“Beatdown.” The girl crosses her arms to her chest.

“Huh, maybe.” Seifer grins. “Maybe first we’ll give the girl a minute to apologize.” 

“It’s Rueki, not ‘the girl’, you pompous fucking prick.” I have sufficiently decided that Axel can wait another minute. I really can think of no better way to let of steam than to kick this fucker to the ground.

“You don’t know what your getting yourself into, ya know? Seifer is tough, ya know?” Musclehead asks. I purse my lips.

“Damn kid, I didn’t realize you were such a little bitch and need your friends to fight your battles for you.” I offer Seifer a half smile. His eyes go wide, his nostrils flare, there is a palpable rage, and I feel so damn successful, having pushed his buttons. 

“Sandlot, now.” He orders.

“Oh, what, do you draw your power from that mystical place?” I ask. “Cuz I don’t need to leave this spot to fight you.”

“No, I just have enough courtesy to not pick a fight in the middle of town. That’s called having some manners.” He informs me. Well, at least now he remembers I’m all ass, no class. 

“Oh, wow, real cool, Seifer. Picking fights with girls a foot shorter than you.” My ears perk up at the voice, and although I know they won’t recognize me, and I know that even if they did, the week we spent together was so very tainted by lies, by my own burden hanging heavily on me. But there’s a kinship I feel when I turn to see Hayner, Pence and Olette striding forward.

“This time, my issue isn’t with you, blondie. Move along.” Seifer scolds. 

“You’re being a bully.” Olette crosses her arms to her chest, and I am slightly thrown by the look she grants me. My entire body is covered in jagged, white scars. I’m sure the bags under by eyes are quite pronounced. I must look weak or ill, because I recognize the look of pity she casts me. 

“That’s kind of his prerogative.” Pence reminds her. I crack a smile.

“Why don’t you lamers stay out of this?” Seifer barks.

“Oh man, so you can have your friends fight for you, but I can’t call for backup? That’s pretty intense overcompensation there, sorry about your dick.” I say and I swear, the shade of red Seifer turns is unhealthy. Hayner might actually be choking to death on laughter too, that’s a thing. I bite down the grin that threatens to consume my expression. These kids might not remember me, but I certainly remember how much I like them, especially Hayner. My backup best friend, as I once called him. 

“Hopeless.” The white haired girl sets a hand on Seifer’s arm. He seems to mull over her word and finally decides that I am not worth his time. He waves a hand and rolls his eyes at me.

“Whatever, I know a lost cause when I see one.” And with that, he stomps off, his entourage so far up his ass, I’m surprised he’s not picking them out of his teeth.

“I’ve never heard anyone talk to Seifer like that.” Pence shakes his head. “I mean, Hayner tries to, but he usually gets so mad, he can’t form a coherent sentence.” 

“Hey!” Hayner whines.

“King Crop Top is a fucking dick, you guys should remind him of that more often. I swear, his head is even bigger now that Roxas isn’t around to beat him up with a fucking bat.” I shake my head. The trio regard me as though I am speaking another language altogether and my expression falters. Damn, this sucks. “Sorry.” I shake my head. 

“No, uh, we just really aren’t sure what you’re talking about. But, um, I’m Olette!” The green eyed girl offers me her hand.

“I know. And he’s Hayner, and he’s Pence.” I nod. She looks between the two of them and Hayner raises an eyebrow.

“We haven’t met before.” He reminds me. I shrug.

“It’s not really worth the explanation, but let’s just say we were friends in another life.” I say, and man, do I ever sound like a cryptic asshole. My time with Organization XIII is more than obvious now. I better cut this shit out. No more secrets, no more bullshit. I’m not the guardian of worlds, I don’t need to lie to these kids to pacify them.

“Oh! You must be talking about the data world!” Pence’s eyes light up, much to my surprise.

“You guys know about that?” I ask. And I mean like yeah, these kids definitely acted like junior sleuths, but never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed they’d be on the look out for something that actually matters. 

“Yeah, we helped our friend, Sora cross through it like six months ago.” Hayner nods. And I reach for Sora’s heart, finding it so incredibly cloudy, outside of my dreams. It seems like I have to swan dive into the depths of his memories just to recover the thought of him, Donald and Goofy discussing passwords for the data world, with Hayner, Pence and Olette. But sure enough, there it is, and, not for the first time, I am so thankful for the empathy link, connecting me and the Keybearer. But in the depths, I notice an ache, a longing, a pain that begs me to stick around in this town for as long as possible. To be near Hayner, Pence and Olette for as long as I can, to have ice cream with them, just one more time.

Roxas. I set my hand to my heart and hope that it is the equivalent to wrapping my arms around my dearest friend. 

“Is that where you come from?” Olette cocks her head to the side, her shaggy hair shifting with her movements. 

“No, definitely not.” I laugh. “I just spent some time with the versions of you guys over there. And some time with Sora too.” 

“Oh, so you’re friends with Sora, too?” Olette asks.

“Well hey, a friend of Sora’s is a friend of ours.” Hayner nods, though I’m certain my jab at Seifer is what won him over in the first place.

“Cool.” I nod, because despite the three of them not making a huge impact in my life, I can feel Roxas reaching out to them, pulling me harder than he ever has before, harder than I expected him to be capable of. “I’m Rueki, by the way.”

“It’s nice to re meet you, Rueki.” Olette beams, ever so politely and damn, she is infinitely more adorable when she isn’t haranguing her friends about doing homework. 

“Yeah, it’s good to see you guys again.” I nod, and despite Roxas, begging me to spend another moment with them, I know I cannot. Roxas’ screaming in my heart has nothing on the searing sensation in the back of my mind, in the depths of my soul, reminding me over and over again, that something is missing. More than that, that someone is missing. None of this feels right without Axel’s hand in mine, and the longer my thoughts linger on him, the harder it becomes to breathe, the darker my world feels. I shove aside an impending panic attack, trying to find anything else to focus on. Words, use words, speak, there’s got to me some sort of distraction that can change this. “But I’ve got to do some looking around. I’m trying to find someone important to me. Tall, skinny, spiky red hair. You guys seen anyone like that around town?” And maybe waiting for me with a bar of ice cream at hand, ready to welcome me back with open arms? The hope nearly takes my breath away.

“No, you’re the only new person walking around here.” Hayner shakes his head. My stomach drops. My hopes crash so hard against the jagged rocks of reality. 

“But we’d be happy to help you look for him, if you think he’s here?” Olette offers. I don’t know what I think, and I’m truly so dejected that it’s all I can do to nod limply. Fuck, what the hell is my problem? I’m not weak, I’m not pathetic. I’m not a victim and I’m not going to lay down and die without him at my side. But fuck, do I want to. 

What the hell is wrong with me?

“Um, sure.” Is my very excited response, but for their efforts, they’re good kids. They do help me search, up, down, all over town. We go to the Old Mansion and look around and find no trace of Axel, not even in the bedroom we holed up in just after the two of us left Organization XIII. We search the beach, Sunset Hill, the Sandlot—where Seifer is currently pouting—and we find absolutely nothing. We search the Clock Tower and there’s not even a stray strand of red hair on the ledge. My hands shake as I sink down onto my butt, in utter defeat. A breeze chills me, and it takes everything to hold back tears as I cannot escape the absence of warmth.

“He’s not here.” I finally decide, because we have searched every square inch of this place, only to warrant nothing. For a moment, I doubt Xigbar’s words. Maybe he was taunting me and Axel didn’t make it back.

The prospect of being alone in this world, without him, could kill me. I wonder about Shibuya, momentarily, about Neku’s presence in Sora’s dreams and what that could mean for those souls that would otherwise be playing the Reaper’s Game. Is that where he’s trapped? And could I even get back to the UG without dying, now that I no longer have control of darkness?

“Well then he’s probably in another world, right?” Hayner breaks through my reverie. I shrug. 

“I dunno, but I can’t stop until I find him.” I press my lips together, eyes narrowed, staring out at the hazy, orange sky. 

“He’s really important to you?” Pence raises an eyebrow.

“The most important person in my entire world.” Ew. What an utterly cringe worthy statement. What an utterly true statement.

“Then I’m sure you’ll find him. He’s probably out looking for you, too.” Olette offers, and she might very well be right. It would be so like Axel and I, to run parallel to one another, to miss each other at every opportunity, to arrive just as the other is leaving. But I know myself better than to think I could possibly sit still and wait for him. I’d be left wondering, all of the time, where he was, if he was staying put, waiting for me to find him. 

“Yeah.” I agree. “But I promised I wouldn’t keep him waiting long. I should go.” But it is more effort than I can exert, to stand up straight and be on my merry way. It’s as though Roxas’ heart is suddenly an anchor and is attempting to tether me to this world. Not that I’d mind, not at all, Seifer or no, there’s something in the almost but never quite setting sun, that makes me feel so incredibly at home. 

“What about ice cream?” Pence offers. “It’s almost time for dinner, we’ve been searching all day, might as well get some ice cream. Who knows, it might make you feel better.”

“Ice cream is great at mending a broken heart.” Olette promises. And truly, these kids are so endearing, it almost kills me. When I was trying with all of my might to get through to Roxas, or to push him forward on the path to Sora, or even when I thought my only option was to kill him, it felt like these friends of his were my competition. Now, the moment between the four of us is untainted by jealousy. They took me at my word, that I’m Sora’s friend, and spent their entire day searching for an absolute lost cause with me. It really is so very tempting to take them up on their offer. I think of once sitting with three other friends up here, eating ice cream—

Three? No…it was just two others. Me, Axel and Roxas, right? A pleasant fog creeps into my mind and I am so worn, I relax into it without hesitation.

“Sorry.” I reply, but I reach into my pocket and offer them some munny. Hayner grabs it out of my hand without a second thought, and Olette’s eyes go wide in fury. I laugh. “Don’t worry, I’m a freeloader too. My rich friends gave it to me, it’s more than I can spend. I want you guys to have it, treat yourself to some ice cream. My thanks for helping me.” 

“Rueki, are you sure?” Olette asks.

“Hey, she wouldn’t have offered it if she didn’t mean it.” Hayner says, and I bite back a smile.

“The kid’s right. I’m an asshole, if I didn’t like you guys, you’d know it by now. And I sure wouldn’t be buying you ice cream.” I reply. Pence snorts.

“You know, you and Hayner are a lot alike.” He laughs. I don’t even try to argue. He’s comparing me to a grumpy, spiky haired teenage boy. Wow, what a concept.

I depart the world with promises to return, as soon as I find the person most important to me.

\--

My next stop is a world I have been to only a very small handful of times. Funny, all things considered, now that I remember growing up here. 

Radiant Garden. I knew it as Hollow Bastion, as a Nobody, but then again, what, of my life without a heart wasn’t a big fat fucking lie? 

Now, when I step onto the grey, brick pavement, there isn’t anxiety, there is familiarity. For a brief window of time, nostalgia overcomes me, and I long to retrace the steps of my childhood. To find Cid’s house, to find the library that I used to sneak into, to draw on something with sidewalk chalk. There’s just as much bliss in setting foot here, as there was in Twilight Town, though a totally different kind. I am nearly overwhelmed by the emotion that comes with Radiant Garden and my restored memories. 

But I won’t deny, I am too afraid to seek out my past. If Cid Highwind died, if little Yuffie died, if the memories of my childhood are soiled immediately after I’ve regained them, I will not be able to bare the emotional impact. I hide my face in my hands, taking a breath as I try to calm down. Nothing is slipping away from me, I’m not losing any of my loved ones, this is going to be okay, and I’m going to fucking find Axel here, in the place we grew up together, in. 

I search the world from top to bottom, leaving no stone unturned, scouring every bit of town that I can remember. At the edge of everything, the place I once stood with Axel, where he examined fresh, new scars on my body, I see a castle. It is across such a deep ravine, I’m unsure of how to get to it, but figure if I cannot cross it, then certainly Axel wouldn’t be there, right?

Defeat overwhelms me as I head back to my ship. 

I’m about to call Radiant Garden a failure, when I hear my name.

“Rueki.” The voice is familiar, registering instantly in the back of my mind, in the depths of my childhood. I’m reminded instantly of allowance for ice cream and sidewalk chalk and story time. I freeze. My heart, my real heart skips a beat. I pinch my eyes shut, unprepared for the tears that threaten to pop up. 

For a second, I don’t want to turn. I don’t want to see what age has done to his face, I don’t want the decade that we have missed with each other to be so very palpable. And most importantly, I know what I must do. I know the path I’ve chosen is dangerous and I know I cannot stay put long. I don’t want us to lose each other the second we have found each other. But I’m greedy and the lust for fulfillment grips me so tight. I want to feel good, I want to feel happy, I want to feel real.

I turn around and meet Cid Highwind’s very blue eyes. 

At first, I think he looks so very much the same. But then I see that his blond hair is flicked grey, his face is creased with wrinkles that weren’t there in my childhood. His hands are weathered, from years of hard labor. 

“Well I’ll be damned.” His voice catches as he closes the distance and wraps his arms around me. I break down into a fit of sobs, shaking in his arms, feeling so very small and so much like a child. His arms tremble as he grips me too tight, so afraid to lose his would be daughter, yet again. I feel wetness on the top of my head and know that we are both grieving the time we lost. “Fuck, kid, fuck.” He mutters and I laugh, hollowly, thinking of how even without conscious memories of him, Cid has left his mark on me. My fingertips press into the fabric of his white, cotton shirt. He smells of cheap coffee, bar soap and Gummi fuel. It is so, overwhelmingly familiar, gripping my heart in a vice. “I thought you were dead, kiddo.” He murmurs, voice heavy. I choke on a sob.

I want this moment to be pure, I want this moment to be safe, to be beautiful. But everything anyone has ever said about me having no self control, everything about me being a weak, pathetic slave to my own emotions is so very true. And I don’t care. The verbal vomit spews out as I cry into my godfather’s arms, for the first time since I was a child.

“I was, I died, I lost my heart to darkness the night our world was consumed, I tried so hard to find you that night. But I just couldn’t get past the Heartless, there were too many of them, they overwhelmed me, Lea tried to fight them off with me, but they got both of us and I—” My breath staggers. “I woke up in Transmute City, and I didn’t know I didn’t have a heart, but I didn’t and I was Organization XIII’s pawn, and I died trying to save Sora and I’ve just gotta find Axel, I can’t do this, I can’t be without him, it’s killing me, I—”

Nothing I say makes sense. And it’s totally out of Cid’s wheelhouse. He never comforted teenage me over a heartbreak. He never had to handle a period of time where I understood the weight of my parents’ death. Any tears I’ve shed in front of him have been over silly, shallow things. We were robbed of this growth, it was captured from both of us and has left us both so stunted. We pull away. I wipe my eyes with the back of my glove. Cid pulls a toothpick from a case in his pocket and starts chewing anxiously at it. My eyes find the ground. I don’t want to look at him, not like this. 

“You ain’t making sense, kiddo.” He tells me. I nod, chewing my lip. 

“I usually don’t anymore. I’m a fucking mess.” And it’s so sad, but it’s so true. I see regret in his eyes as I look up at him, and I’m certain he’s blaming himself. I don’t know how to tell him this isn’t his fault, he doesn’t know how to confess his feelings to me, to allow me to comfort him. So, we stand there, silence hanging heavily between the two of us. 

“Yuffie’ll wanna see you, kid. Why don’t you come home for a meal?” I don’t even have to think twice.

Cid’s home is the very same home I grew up in. The brick shack of a house with mismatched furniture and very little in the way of décor. He’s got a computer in the corner of the main room and there are more people than I know what to do with, littering his house. 

“I should’ve known this would be a group event. Your idea of a fancy dinner was mac and cheese.” I mutter, and hey, why not another thing I got from Cid. Neither of us can cook for shit. He flicks the toothpick between his teeth.

“See you never grew outta being a brat.” 

“See you never grew outta picking up strays.” I mutter. A woman looks up, she’s got vibrant green eyes and long brown hair. She offers me the gentlest of smiles. I’m immediately reminded of Amaya.

“Oh? Who’s this?” She asks as she sets an old, rickety wooden table with silverware. A man stands in the corner with long brown hair and many belts. When he looks at me, his face hardens.

“You.” Oh, cool, he remembers me, why not? But Cid chooses to ignore him.

“Hey, Yuf!” From a doorway, a vibrantly smiley face, framed by short, choppy, black hair appears. For a moment, fog creeps into my brain, such pleasant, beautiful memories of sea salt ice cream, of pep talks on the beach and laughing at nothing at all, fill my mind. Fog threatens to consume them. I choke on my breath. There’s something, someone….

But it’s so easy to fall into the delightful, numbing sensation of the fog. When finally, it overwhelms my brain, I am met by clarity and familiarity. 

That vibrant smile reminds me of summer days. Of playing dolls and dress up and living in worlds of make believe. I’m reminded of innocence and outgrowing her. Of choosing ice cream with Lea every chance I got.

I guess I would’ve grown up to be an asshole, regardless.

“Rueki!” Yuffie barrels out the door and throws her arms around me, knocking me into the door that is now shut behind Cid and I. She’s at least six inches taller than me now, and is lithe and athletic, every muscle in her body feels hard and tight as she hugs me with all of her might. Everyone at this point in my life is a hugger now, and I don’t altogether mind it. Especially because Yuffie literally bounces back from me, the big goofy grin I remember so fondly, never leaving her face. She, unlike Cid, has never grieved me. She was too young when we lost our world, she may remember my absence, but she has never felt the true loss of my presence. “Cid, how did you find her?” Her eyes dart from me to him and he shrugs.

“Got lucky, I guess. She’s built just like her damn mom. Just took one look and called out her name and the rest is history.” He shrugs.

“You’ve always been a shit story teller.” I nod.

“Stop fucking cursing, kid.” Cid rolls his eyes.

“I learned from the best, old man.” I remind him, a grin tugging at the corners of my lips. I’m eight again. Untamed, unburdened. So happy and so free and so wrapped in the safety my godfather has created for me in a world I once called home. It’d be so easy to fall into all of this, easier than staying behind with Amaya and Del, easier than staying and eating ice cream with Hayner, Pence and Olette. I look at the loved ones I have been shorted so much time with, and I think this is the greatest temptation of all. But the brunette man clears his throat and looks at me with hard eyes, and it breaks me from this beautiful trance I want to bury myself in. A world without pain. What a concept.

“I remember you.” He says.

“Yeah.” Is my response.

“Leon, have some manners.” The brunette woman warns, and damn, she’s even more Amaya than I could’ve expected.

“She scattered the pages of Merlin’s book.” Why not? Why would he not remember that? 

“She’s my goddaughter.” Cid counters.

“And my friend!” Yuffie replies with a dramatic wave of her hand. “Besides, Sora found all of the pages.” 

“No, I was a shit person.” I shake my head. And I don’t try to defend myself further. Because I hate watching myself become a victim in my own story. I can handle being blinded by Axel, I can handle making stupid choices, but I have never been a damsel and I refuse to cast my own responsibility aside and chuck the blame upon Organization XIII. I did what I needed to stay alive, I did what I needed to keep Axel close, I don’t regret that, I hardly intend to start now because a man in leather mistrusts me. Yuffie and Cid haven’t seen me in over a decade. I was a little girl the last time I saw either of them, they owe me nothing. If I get kicked out of this place, I get kicked out. It is no one’s fault but mine.

“Rueki…” Yuffie pouts, eyes narrowed. “Don’t let Squall bully you.” 

“That’s Leon.” The brunette man grumbles, shaking his head.

“Well, dude, whatever you wanna be called, if you wanna hate me, that’s your prerogative. My hands are dirty as all hell. I did a lot of terrible things for the sake of survival, or to keep someone I love safe. I tried to make it right, I tried to help Sora out in the end, to make sure he took down the Organization. I don’t know if there are some sort of magical scales in the universe that can tilt the balance, and I don’t if the good was enough to outweigh the bad. But…like…I’m fucking trying, okay.” I run a hand back through my bangs, which still flop down in over one eye.

“You’re friends with Sora?” Leon inclines an eyebrow. I shrug.

“Yeah. He saved my world. I’m pretty much best friends with his Nobody, our hearts are tied, it’s kind of a thing. He’s a good kid. I’d do anything to help him.” And I have. Leon sighs and shifts his weight. I watch a catlike smile curl across Yuffie’s features.

“I knew it! You’re such a sucker for Sora! Even you have a soft spot for him and his friends.” Yuffie teases him, which I’m sure doesn’t help, and suddenly, I feel our two year age difference, aggressively. Leon’s eyes narrow as he looks me over once more.

“You know, I don’t just remember you from the book. I remember Sora shouting at Organization XIII to let you go.” He mutters, which, to be honest, I forgot about. In my defense, there was a lot going on that week. “I guess I could understand, if we got to know you better, maybe what you—”

“Yay!” Yuffie takes this as reason to celebrate. She throws her arms around me and laughs, high and obnoxious. “So, you’re staying for dinner?” She asks.

“It’s my damn house, Yuf, she’s staying as long as she wants.” Cid rolls his eyes. I flash him a grateful look. “But let me tell you, Rueki, something you said rubbed me wrong.” He says. I raise an eyebrow.

“What?” I ask, my stomach drops as I prepare for the worst. I wonder how these strangers as well as the familiar faces, will look at me when I have to admit I killed people.

“You said you did some shit for someone you love. Girl, you can’t be more that twenty, who the hell do you think you’re in love with?” He crosses his arms. I choke on a laugh. The girl with brown hair giggles.

“You remember Lea, don’t you?” I ask. And for a moment, Cid doesn’t remember. But then his eyes widen, his jaw drops, his toothpick falls right out of his mouth.

“That little shit redheaded boy you always used to chase around?” He chokes.

“Yeah. We’ve kind of been together for like, two ish years now?” I think.

“Oh hell…” Cid shakes his head. “Dammit all, didn’t I tell you to stay the hell away from him?

\--

Part of me thinks I need to carry on with my mission and get the hell out of Radiant Garden. I need to find Axel, finding my would be family, aside, his absence is still enough to make me ache. It’s almost enough to make me cringe, how needy I feel, as though a part of me is missing, as though a limb has been amputated and I am desperately searching to sew it back on.

But there is another part of me, a stronger part that desperately needs sleep. And of course, to check on Sora. I settle into the guest bed in Cid’s house, prepared to be met by visions of Traverse Town. What a surprise when I am not met by Traverse Town, but by a pitch black room that begs me to rest. To lay my weary head down and come apart, piece by piece.

It is so tantalizing.

“Awe man, what a touching reunion.” A voice drawls. I know now, instantly, who it belongs to and whip my head around to see the owner, who offers me a wave in greeting. How he knows about my reunion with Cid, I’m not sure but it doesn’t surprise me at this point. “Well hey there kiddo.” Xigbar is stretched, mid air, arms folded behind his head, and even in this pose, I find him to look incredibly feline. He tilts his head and offers me a smile with very sharp teeth that only reinforces this.

“Where’s Sora?” I ask. Because he’s become my reoccurrence. I close my eyes, I fight monsters at his side, I have the boy’s back, through this Mark of Mastery exam and beyond.

“What, you think that’s a right? More like a privilege, little Rueki.” He replies, still floating. 

“Our hearts are connected.” I remind him, crossing my arms to my chest, shifting my weight. It does make me cringe, internally, to think about how campy and stereotypically heroic my words sound, in light of all of my moral ambiguity. How many times did I toe the line between right and wrong, whether at Axel’s requests, or for my own needs?

“And, cute as that is, you can’t just go traipsing in and out like his heart is your vacation home. Have some manners, kiddo. Plus, you think the boy’s going to pass his Mark of Mastery exam if you keep butting in? As if, let the kid assert a bit of autonomy, or someone is going to accuse you of mothering him.” He waves his hand, and, without gravity, the motion looks heavy, as though he is kicking inside of a pool. Unintentionally, my head tilts to the side. Xigbar has shifted space on me before, I still recall our first and last trip to Wonderland together, with much nausea and little nostalgia. And yet, the zero gravity thing looks infinitely more appealing and totally different than shifting planes, the longer I look at Xigbar.

“Piss off, otherwise someone is going to accuse you of giving a fuck about Sora, too. What does it matter to you if he passes or not? Wouldn’t it serve Xemnas better if he didn’t?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.

“As if.” Is Xigbar’s response, which, at this point, I should’ve expected by now. I huff a sigh.

“Yeah, you’re really fun to talk to and all, but uh, maybe consider giving me a straight answer.” I snap. He snorts.

“Really now? I thought it just got you going when guys in leather hid things from you.” A second jab at Axel, I notice and decide to just catalogue that for the time being.

“Oh no, I hate it. Axel got a free pass because I was fucking him. What’s your excuse?” I raise an eyebrow. 

“Hey, we can correct that whole situation right now. You ever do it on the ceiling? I can promise you it just feels better.” I look to where La Luxure is connected to my belt loop and wonder how fast I can pull them off and put the spikes into his throat. It might be worth the emotional scarring. 

“I fucking hate you.” I say, flatly.

“And why’s that? What have I ever done?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Oh, do you want me to count the ways?” I scoff and point to a particularly nasty scar on my body, and then to another. “One, two, three. You know, I can keep going.”

“Hey, that was the Berserker, not me.” He reminds me. As though I need it, as though panic at the mere thought of Saix’s presence doesn’t send me dangerously close to the edge. 

“Yeah, well I definitely overheard that fun little conversation you had with him and Xemnas, and you were all team ‘let’s use Rueki to do our dirty work’. So, fuck off. I didn’t want anything to do with your test. I don’t know what the fuck you all think you’re going to do now, I don’t know what plan he convinced you would be so great, you should abandon your humanity. But you’re a fucking moron. And there’s not one of you I’ll feel guilty about plowing down.” I detach my Knuckles from my belt and slip my fingers through the holes, gripping them tightly.

“Oh hey, I wasn’t here to fight kiddo.” He laughs. “But hey, good to know that baiting you did work after all. You really are too nosey for your own good.”

“I don’t know what you expect from all of this. You’re forgetting, I’ve been in your position before. You don’t think I went and taunted Sora, like an asshole, in Castle Oblivion?” I ask.

“No expectations. Just here to remind you to stop playing with sleep magic.” He says. “You’ve got a role to play, just like Sora and his little friends. Can’t have you disappearing on us before you have time to really step up and steal the show.” 

“I don’t know what role you think I’m going to play, but good luck on that, I’m shit for cooperation, now that you’ve lost your biggest bargaining piece.” Axel, he’s free from them, and so am I. “And I don’t know what the hell sleep magic is, but—”

“What you’re doing right now. Diving deep, with a purpose. Shut your damn eyes, kid. Not sure if you’ve heard of a concept called ‘resting’, but that’s what you need. Otherwise, you’re useless.” He says.

“Go to hell. And also, mind your business.” I’m sure he’s right, truth be told, and that bothers me. Because as it stands right now, he is the scariest thing I’ve encountered with my eyes closed. Panic has already started to creep in while I wake, the prospect of facing nightmares again is not something I am equipped for. Not without a very familiar, very warm body next to mine, holding me close. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do without Axel, but I am reminded instantly of the month he spent in Castle Oblivion and my rapid deterioration. I fear an impending crash and am willing to do anything to fight it off.

“I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, whatever injuries you sustain in your dreams, come back to haunt you in real life, but it’s more than that. You’ve gotta be feeling the effects of dream walking by now.” He says. “Tired, irritable, emotional.”

“You literally just described my personality in three words.” I roll my eyes.

“Sleep and death are two sides of the same coin, kiddo. That’s not a line you wanna walk.” He reminds me.

“It’s not cute, you trying to fuck me in one breath and parent me in the next.” I insist. 

“You know, it’s really damn sad, how afraid you are of what lurks in your dreams. You’re not exactly subtle with your lashing out.”

Just to spite him, I release my grip on this room, plunging into a true sleep.

I muffle my screams with a pillow as I wake, trying so hard not to disturb Cid.


	5. Chapter 5

V.

My hands shake as Cid and I drink coffee. He makes it like sludge, it’s barely drinkable, but I am tired. Deep into my bones, I am tired. Not having Axel is worse than I expected, though I’m not totally sure his absence is to blame for all of my exhaustion. I’m certain, if Xigbar is to be trusted—instinct says fat chance, but logic tells otherwise—that my interactions with Sora haven’t helped, but I cannot shake the undeniable, and utterly cliche feeling, that half of me is missing. I realize how easy it would be to slip into my old ways, to push everyone aside, to be cold, eerily so. Because right now, I am having a hard time giving a quarter of a fuck about anything. Perhaps my behavior with Del and Amaya wasn’t just me trying to keep them safe. Maybe I was just resorting to what feels easiest without a fire to keep me ablaze.

“You know, I heard ya, up screaming in the middle of the night.” Cid mutters, and I’m not even a little bit surprised this is his way of approaching things. I take a sip of the coffee and nearly gag. “Kid, if you don’t like it—”

“It’s fine, I just need some caffeine.” I shake my head. Silence lingers between the two of us for a minute before he finally tries again.

“So, you gonna tell me what had you shrieking like a banshee?” He asks. I snort.

“You’re better off not knowing.” I murmur.

“Hell, kid, don’t pull that shit with me. You wanna act like you’re all grown up, do that on your own damn time. But you’re forgetting who raised you to be this kind of asshole, don’t think you can try to beat me at my own game.” Cid snaps, and I catch myself flinching, retreating into the coffee mug as I try to block out memories of my nightmares.

Zexion laughing as I turn to dust. Saix with a blade, carving into my flesh. Axel crystalizing, fading away entirely. 

“And I know it’s been a long time, but I remember what you look like, Rueki. And you sure weren’t covered in all of those scars when I saw you last. What the hell happened to you?” He asks. I draw in a shaky breath, set my coffee down and cover my face with my hand.

Take a breath. In, one, two, three.

Out, one, two, three.

“A lot.” I whisper, my voice sounding meek and afraid. Cid shifts his weight, shoulders square and tense. 

“You’re pretty shit at talking about things, kid.” He reminds me. I smile, though it doesn’t touch my eyes.

“I know. But if memory serves me right, I get that from you.” I remind him. He reaches across the table and messes up my hair. 

“Don’t follow in my footsteps, Rueki, you’re bound to run into walls.” Cid tells me. I smooth my hair back into place.

“Oh, I do that on my own, I’ve got this amazing talent for fucking things up.” I say. Silence hangs over us. Cid’s eyes are very prying, but there’s nothing I want to offer him. I am nothing if not stubborn, and there is no way in hell he’s going to find out what I’ve been through. My unintelligible blubbering yesterday was a mistake. It was enough to pour myself out to Del and Amaya, but the three of us grew up together. They do not remember me as a child, grinning with my two front teeth missing. Cid does, I’m not ruining that, not only for him, but for me. If he wants to look at me with pity, if he wants to assume the worst, that’s his prerogative. But I will never confirm it, because I still need a place that’s safe, I need a place that I can slip into with some level of anonymity. 

“Those scars all over you…that’s not from that Lea fellow?” I can hear the anxiety in Cid’s voice, so familiar, he’s never known how to handle the difficult things. Which is fair, if Del and Amaya left their child to me, I’d have no idea how to parent it. 

“No, definitely not.” I shake my head. “No, he’s the one thing in my life that isn’t consistently shit.” 

“But ya got all dinged up, going on adventures with Sora?” Cid asks.

“Well, Sora was a pretty small part of my adventures. But no, this was kind of my own thing. I’ve seen so many places though, that’s kind of cool. I woke up in a place called Transmute City, after our world fell. I was raised as an orphan, and me and two of my friends from the orphanage opened up our own Gummi Repair shop. I’m a damn good pilot.” I grin, toothily at him and am pleased to see him beaming just as wildly as me, for the moment allowing the mess that I am to be forgotten.

“Course you are, always said you were gonna grow up to be just like your dad.” Cid nods. “Jasper was a good man, Rueki, he’dve been proud of you.” And there’s no way Cid can know that, and I have no attachment to parents whose faces I cannot even remember, but the sentiment is kind. 

“I met someone who knew my parents.” I say, mostly because I want to test Xigbar’s words. He knew my mom and dad? Really? Let’s check the sources and see if maybe anything else he said could possibly be trusted.

“Yeah? Who?” He asks.

“Some guy named Braig.” At least, I’m pretty sure that was Xigbar’s real name. Cid’s face suddenly losing color does not help anything.

“What’d that slimy asshole tell you?” Oh, well clearly the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree that raised it, because ‘slimy asshole’ is exactly how I would describe Xigbar.

“Just that he knew my mom and dad and was in the guard with them, that’s all…” With narrowed eyes, I watch as Cid takes too long of a swig of his nasty, sludge coffee. He drums his fingers on the side of the mug as he sets it down, I hear the sound of him tapping his socked foot against the hardwood floor. He’s afraid of something. “Why, what should he have told me?” I ask. Cid’s eyes are suddenly gazing very intently out the window, as though he is quite interested in the rising sun. Not that I can really fault him, I just used my parents as distraction fodder. We both really are the exact same type of asshole.

“Listen, kid.” He sighs, still staring out the window. “What your mom did before your dad and her got together, that’s her own business. Mayris was her own damn woman, loved herself above all others, and that ain’t a bad thing. But uh, from what I understand, she loved a lot of other people along the way.” 

Oh fuck.

“Ew. No.” I plead.

“’Fraid so. That asshole, Braig even tried to convince your mom you were his kid, which no way in hell would your mom have screwed around on your dad. She just wasn’t like that. Wouldn’t put it past Braig to try to corner you and convince you that you were his.” Cid says.

“But I’m not right?” Because I’m having a hell of a time processing the fact that the man who offered to fuck me in my dream last night, once fucked my mom. Ew. Fuck. Ew.

“Definitely not. You might’ve grown up to be built like your mom, but you don’t look like her beyond that. Full lips, that mole below em’, sure. But your dad was the blond with green eyes. You got the same pointy chin, the same bump in your nose. You’re definitely Jasper’s daughter.” Cid confirms, which I guess is mildly less nauseating, and hell, I guess Xigbar has a type. Scrawny upper body, no tits, giant ass. Cool. What a fucking treat. I push away my sludge coffee, knowing if I drink any more of it, with these delightful thoughts percolating through my mind, I’m gonna puke. “And even after you came out, looking like the spitting image of your father, he still acted like he had some kinda claim to you. Got all pissed off when your parents named me your godfather. I contemplated skinning the bastard alive when he sent you a book of fairy tales as a kid. Wrote some bullshit on the inside ‘may your heart be your guiding key’, like I didn’t know his fucking handwriting.” Cid grumbles. My eyes widen.

“What? He knew me that well?” Because I know Xigbar mentioned knowing me as a kid, but my memories have been restored. Why do I not ever remember meeting Braig?

“Oh hell no. I wouldn’t let him around you with a ten foot pole. I think he just sent you the book to piss me off. He was smarmy like that, really loved to get under your mother’s skin and mine too, thought it was funny.” And apparently he thinks the same of me. How many times can I think the word ‘ew’ before it becomes repetitive? “I really thought about throwing that book away, but you loved it so much. It was huge, had every story in it that you could’ve hoped for and you told anyone that would listen that you belonged in a world of fairy tales…you sure about that Lea fellow? Don’tcha wanna wait for an actual prince and save me a damn heart attack?” He asks. I laugh.

“If I could’ve gotten rid of Lea, I would’ve. But like, the more I try to shake him, the more I realize I love him. Which, I know, ew, gross.” I smirk a little, and this time, thoughts of Axel...or Lea don’t leave me cold and hollow, but warm, glowing.

“That’s gonna take a minute to get used to.” Cid exhales slowly. “I really thought you died, kid.”

“I told you yesterday. I did.” Because there’s no use taking that one back. Cid got the abridged version of my life story yesterday, and that will have to suffice.

“Then what the hell happened?” He asks me, sincerity cracking his voice. But I’m all nonchalance because I cannot tread down this road.

“It didn’t stick.” I can tell Cid wants a more satisfactory answer than that, but after a moment worth of silence on my end, he seems to come to terms with that being my answer. 

“Yeah, well, make sure it keeps not sticking, alright? I ain’t going to no funerals, kid.” He orders.

“Yeah, yeah, old man.” I smile ever so softly at him. I trace a finger around the rim of my half full mug of coffee. “So what ended up happening with the castle? The one my parents guarded?” I ask, raising an eyebrow, because despite my best efforts yesterday, I found no trace of the high gates that Lea and Isa used to try to scale. 

“What, you mean you didn’t find it? I thought you said you were searching all over God’s green earth for that Lea of yours.” He says. I narrow my eyes.

“Dude, I haven’t lived here in years” I mutter. He snorts.

“Watch the attitude, kid.” He warns, though with no threat in his voice.

“I learned it from you.” I remind him. He chuckles.

“That, ya did. Well, it doesn’t really surprise me that you couldn’t find your way to the old castle. Can’t get in the same way, the path your little boyfriend and his buddy used to try to sneak up has been sealed off. You gotta go through the Bailey now.” He says.

“Oh, so you expected me to remember a route that didn’t exist when I was last here, which mind you, I was nine. You’re such a dick.” I murmur, smiling still. Cid throws his head back laughing.

“Damn, I sure am glad I didn’t have to go through the teenage years with you. You grew up to be one serious pain in the ass.”

\--

And after infinitely more ribbing, and then politely allowing me to shower and get ready for the day, Cid has the good nature to escort me to the castle gates. I chew my lips, staring up at castle. This is definitely not what I remember. I’ve never been inside this castle, and the only part of it I recall, the outside, looks so much different. I have no idea where to even start.

“You want me to come with you?” Cid asks. 

“No.” Because I don’t want him to see me potentially have a mental breakdown. Not that I’m preparing for one, but based on the pattern of castle’s I’ve spent time in, all bets are off.

“You sure?” He asks.

“What, your old knees getting too tired for you to walk back home alone? You trying to tag along so that I can help you limp everywhere?” I tease, trying to brush his concerns aside. He chuckles and mutters something about me being a pain in my ass.

“You best bring Lea back to my house when you find him, I gotta interrogate this boy properly.” Cid says, and I know why he is worried. If we’re as alike as we seem, he knows without a doubt, that if I fail at this, I am going to disappear without another word, onto the next world.

“Sure, sure.” Is my response, though truly, I do only intend to stop back to see him if I find Lea. He’s right to worry. I will disappear without a trace.

But with that, he squeezes my shoulder and allows me to begin my search alone. It’s nice to know, he’s already come to terms with me being a lost cause. It’ll make everything easier in the end.

It takes me hours to scour the castle. There are mazes, hidden doors behind picture frames, locked doors that I try to force my way into and then finally, a huge library.

The room is so enormous, spanning an entire floor, with winding book shelves. I sigh running a hand back through my hair, when I hear a voice call my name.

I recognize it instantly and wheel around. My blood runs cold. To men stand opposite me, one only a few years younger than me and slightly taller. The other, an absolute giant. 

“Rueki.” My name falls from the younger ones lips.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No.

The face of my nightmares stares back at me, head tilted to the side, mouth parted very slightly as he gazes over me.

“Zexion.” My voice cracks, shifting an octave. My hands fly up to my face covering my mouth, as though if I hide my face this scene will disappear. And why not? I must still be inside a nightmare, I’ve got to be trapped. Maybe I’m dead, maybe Xigbar’s warnings were valid, maybe I’m walking the tightrope between life and death and the first person I murdered is at the edge, beckoning me to the other side before I even have time to find Lea. I can’t…I can’t do this, I …

My body is reduced to tremors, a violent vibration. My eyes sting, tears feel as though they are literally burning my eyes. My throat is so tight, and somehow, it seems like I’m breathing too much. Am I hyperventilating? Am I suffocating? I cannot tell, but suddenly, it feels as though my insides are falling out, desperate to escape a body that is no longer safe.

“No…I…please don’t…I can’t die, not yet!” I scream, stumbling backward. My legs betray me, my knees buckle and I hit the floor. The room is spinning, my vision swims. I tuck my face between my knees, feeling the heat of my tears as they stream down my cheeks. 

“Rueki…” Zexion’s voice is gentle as it caresses my name, but I know this is a trick, a nasty game my own mind is playing, luring me to my death. But this can’t be the end, not yet, not until I know Lea is safe, I don’t want to live without him, but I don’t want him to have to live without me either, it’s not fair, none of this, dammit—

“Don’t!” I beg, and then I feel a hand wrap around my wrist. Cool, yearning to soothe.

It does the opposite. I shriek, my limbs jolting as though I have been electrocuted. My head pops up, Zexion’s one visible eye is incredibly wide as I scuttle backward, a scream tearing through my throat that frays my vocal chords altogether.

“Don’t kill me!” I plead, my voice sounding jagged as I run into a bookshelf. Has the room gotten smaller? I’m certain it has, my dreams are so nasty to me. Despite all of the nightmares I’ve had about Zexion, I swear this one is the worst. The others were violent, graphic, disturbing but this one is the most realistic and I think it is the worst form of torture yet.

“Rueki, I’m not Zexion.” Zexion insists, sinking to his knees, holding up both hands, palms facing me. “Please, please, calm down.” I wait for his face to transform into Saix’s, I wait for my nightmares to morph, but they do not. Instead, Zexion crawls just a little closer to me. My body retracts, curling up tight again. I fumble, despite the haze of panic curling around my brain, I am cognitive enough to know I need to be able to defend myself before he wraps his hands around my throat. I try to reach for La Luxure, but my body seems unwilling to cooperate. I’m shaking too violently, I cannot seem to get a grip, I can’t, I just—

The terror alone is going to kill me, the hopelessness, and fuck, why can’t I seem to catch a breath?

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, don’t kill me, please don’t kill me!” I cry out. Zexion reaches out to touch my face. My vision becomes a tiny pinprick. All I can see is his one visible eye. This is it, this is how I die.

“Aeleus, please. An Esuna might help.” 

Suddenly, Zexion has a hold on the back of my head. I’m at the edge of blacking out, something cold passes through my lips, and abruptly, I’m engulfed in a warm, white light.

I am relatively certain that I am dead.

But the scene doesn’t change. My nightmare doesn’t budge. 

It dawns on me immediately that this is not a nightmare. Something is cutting through the panic, so sharp, so blindingly bright. Unlike what I am so good at, my pain is not being pushed further into the depths, but rather, illuminated, exposed, cut through. It’s such a brief flash and is only the equivalent to a flashlight in the deepest depths of darkness, but despite how miniscule the effort is, it feels so nice. Numbing, so much like the laughing gas feeling I am used to when odd memories creep in. My muscles uncurl. This is nice, very, very nice. My limbs buzz with pleasure. 

Zexion is still in front of me. But this time, I am looking my panic head on, accepting it. I am not suddenly brave enough to not be worried, but alternatively, I am not so far beyond the point of no return that I cannot think straight. There is clarity, and in that, I can face my fears.

“Rueki, my name is Ienzo, I’m not Zexion. Not anymore. All thanks to you.” He offers me the gentlest of smiles. My hands curl into fists, so incredibly tight, that, were it not for my fingerless gloves, my palms would be a bloody mess. My heart jackhammers, pounding too hard and too fast, I feel blood pumping in my temples, but still, this is a breath of fresh air, compared to the distress that coursed through me only minutes ago. I see Lexaeus crouched down behind Ienzo, shoulders squared, eyes hard, as though he needs to defend the boy from me. And maybe he’s not wrong, all things considered. But I am still convinced that if I don’t do something fast, I’m going to die here.

“I killed you.” I whisper, and it grates on my very sore throat. 

“You recompleted me.” He corrects, and as the haze clears away, I struggle to grasp what those words mean. Recompleted. I died and came back. Apparently Xigbar and Lea did too…why not Zexion? Lexaeus…

“I didn’t mean…I just wanted to help Axel, I loved him so much, I would have done anything for him, I’d still…I’m just trying to find him, please don’t kill me, please!” I whimper. Ienzo’s brow puckers, barely visible through his tangle of hair.

“And perhaps I’d be upset at you…but Rueki, you don’t understand…I lost so much of my life, to the Organization, to research. And because of your actions, however painful at the time, I have my humanity back. What I wanted most of all.” There’s so much sincerity in his voice, in his face. I swear, I must be hallucinating, but I hear emotion weighing on his tone. 

“I never wanted you to die, I’m so sorry, Zexion, I’ll do anything, please, just don’t kill me, I need to find Lea, I just want to be with him again, I—”

“Rueki!” His voice is suddenly far more stern. It cuts through my words, tearing the breath straight from my lungs. “Please, please, stop faulting yourself. I’ve come to terms with what has happened between the two of us. And yes, you are the woman who killed me. But you are also the girl who offered me ice cream and dreamed about other worlds with me. You allowed me to be a child when no one else would, you allowed me to die, to come back to be my truest self. Every waking second of my life as Ienzo and Zexion, people have watched out for me, desperate to protect me from pain. Can you not see, you’ve offered me a kindness, allowing me to feel it, because consistently, you always bring me back to a place where I’m allowed to feel. And that is a beautiful gift, Rueki.”

Remembering us as children, watching the sunset, talking about being orphans nearly shatters my heart. So very much would have been different if my memories had not eluded me for so very long. Ienzo shifts, clearly unsure of what to do. And I just can’t stop crying. I don’t deserve to. I’m weak and pathetic and I should be the one offering kind words to Ienzo, not behaving like a victim. But every word he said as he faded was true.

“You were right. What I did…it’s going to haunt me forever. I’m so sorry.” I shake my head. His visible eye widens, and I think in his gaze, I see a teenager, a boy forced to behave like a man, someone who has made too many mistakes and traveled too far down the path of calculations and cruelty. I see a boy who wants so much so to make up for what the past decade has lost. And to that, I relate so deeply.

“Please, Rueki. If I can offer forgiveness for what you’ve done, I beg you offer me forgiveness for my words. We were both not our best and…” He sighs. “I’m human again. Words cannot express how utterly grateful I am to that.”

“This is a trick.” I say. It’s got to be, if not a trick then a nightmare, this cannot be real.

“What must I do to prove to you this is real?” He asks.

“Slap me.” I answer, flatly. Aeleus answers that call instantly, without Ienzo asking him to, his beefy hand knocking me back. “Fuck!” I choke out, but it is exactly what I needed. A rough, crashing wave of reality. Unrelenting. I look between Ienzo and Aeleus. Shadows do not creep in, the scene does not twist and change. I do not wake up. 

I shift my weight, crawling forward, closing the gap between Ienzo and I. He tenses, Aeleus flinches, coming forward, but Ienzo beckons him back with the wave of his hand. Finally, my hand rests upon Ienzo’s chest where I count the beats.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

This is real.

I cannot control myself. I throw my arms around his neck and pull him in close. I am all repentance, not only for the woman who killed him, but for the girl who broke her promise and was unable to have ice cream with him again. If I woke up in The World That Never Was with the rest of them, if I became a real member of Organization XIII, I know, without a doubt, things would have been so different between the two of us. 

“I’m sorry, Ienzo. I’m so, so sorry.”

“It’s alright, Rueki. We’re only human.”

And we are, we so, truly are.

“Lea told us about what Isa did to you, before he left to find the two of you. You’ve been punished enough for what you’ve done. I think we all have.” Ienzo squeezes me very hesitantly, but I remember the little boy, afraid to give me an answer that Even hadn’t fed him, and I know Ienzo is trying with all of his might to meet me back, just as warmly as I’m meeting him.

His words give me pause, however.

“Lea was here.” Lea, Axel. I delight how his name feels on my lips. My heart does a backflip, and despite my failure, I feel a rush of warmth spread through my heart. He was here, my heart might not have had the timing right, but it knew exactly where to lead me. 

May my heart be my guiding key.

I pull away from Ienzo as Xigbar’s words shoot straight to my core.

“He left merely hours before you arrived.” Ienzo confirms. My stomach drops. Dammit. It’s not like I was sleeping properly last night anyway, if I had just left Cid’s house a little faster and come to the castle a little sooner, I could’ve found him. I could be inside his scolding hot arms right now, his skin searing into mine. I could be home. 

“Fuck.” I choke.

“Language.” Aeleus scolds. I chew my lip, offering a sheepish smile. Ienzo chuckles.

“Aeleus, I’m not a child anymore.” He corrects. “In fact, I’m eighteen now.” Which means I’m definitely twenty, cool, good to have some sort of confirmation. Aeleus grunts, eyes hardening as he stands tall. Ienzo helps me to my feet. My legs still shake.

“Did Lea say where he was going?” I ask, wasting no second further. This moment with Ienzo has been beautiful and cathartic, but it has just been that, a moment. I have no time to enjoy the journey, I need to focus on the destination. Ienzo purses his lips.

“Just that he needed to find you and Isa.” Ienzo shakes his head. Isa. Saix. My blood curdles, like spoiled milk, like rotting meat, just the thought of him leaves me sour beyond compare. Ienzo can forgive me for his death as Zexion, but that makes him a better person than me. Heart or no, I didn’t kill Zexion to be cruel. But everything Saix did to me was out of pure, untainted hatred. Even if Axel and I hadn’t loved each other so profusely, even if I had never seen Roxas cry, Saix alone would’ve been confirmation that Nobodies do have feelings. No one can loathe another so much, without being able to feel.

“And you haven’t seen Isa?” I ask.

“I’m afraid not. He, Braig and Xehanort were all missing when we woke. And Even and Dilan are still unconscious.” Ienzo says. 

“Braig is Xigbar again.” I say flatly. Ienzo’s eyes widen.

“Are you certain?” He asks. I nod.

“Tragically, I dream of the bastard every single fucking night.” I run a hand back through my bangs. “He told me himself that he chose to become a Nobody again over being human, that him and whoever Xehanort is have got big plans. He’s insufferable as all hell.” 

“Curious…” Ienzo mutters. “Tell me, Rueki, when did you begin to dabble in sleep magic?” He asks. I shake my head.

“I’m not, at least, not intentionally. Naminé linked mine and Sora’s hearts at one point.” And for the life of me, I can’t remember why, but I certainly do welcome the laughing gas feeling the floods my brain and dries the last of my tears. “I’ve been playing with the empathy link a little, I can imprint thoughts on Sora, I can track him, and now, he’s in the middle of his Mark of Mastery exam, he’s going through several sleeping worlds, and if I dive deep enough, I can find him.” I explain. Ienzo’s visible eye goes huge, even Aeleus looks a little ruffled.

“As far as I was aware, empathy links were the talk of myth.” Aeleus says. “None of us were ever able to successfully complete one.” 

“Naminé did, I assumed it was because of her weird magic powers with Sora’s memories.” I confess.

“Still, that sort of power is above and beyond what a Nobody should be capable of.” Ienzo taps his chin.

“Well isn’t Naminé a special sort of Nobody?” I ask. Ienzo pauses for a moment, looks at Aeleus who is utterly stoic, then looks back to me and shrugs.

“Perhaps. Still, it is quite a feat, you being able to manipulate that link. And to dive into the realm of sleep.” Ienzo says. “Tell me, Rueki, have you dabbled in any form of magic, ever?” He asks.

“Xemnas had me summoning lesser Nobodies, opening portals, pretty much by the end of my time as a Nobody I was flexing my power to the fullest extent.” And I recall how very good it felt. Like a fucking orgasm. I roll my shoulders back. I just need a good lay to tide me over, I swear. If I could just fucking find Lea…

Lea. He has his heart back, so do I. Xigbar was not lying to me, he is safe. For the first time, there is promise. For the first time, our happy ending could be possible.

“Interesting.” Aeleus mutters. 

“Quite.” Ienzo agrees. “Stranger things have happened.” 

“What?” I raise an eyebrow, and hey, I sure didn’t miss how these guys love to talk in riddles. But these two at least don’t seem to be doing it intentionally. While I was reading fairy tales and drawing with chalk, these two were researching. They were scientists while I was a child. For as smart as I like to think I am, I have spent so much less time delving into the mysteries of the heart, than they.

“Simply put, it seems you have quite an affinity for magic. Most times it requires years of study, but like anything, there are those born with specific talents. Some children run faster than others, some are smarter, some are more creative.” 

“And some can just dive into the hearts of a teenage boy.” I mutter. Lucky me. Ienzo cracks a smile.

“I wonder if perhaps spells come as easy to you.” He says. I fight back a smile.

“I’ve always wanted to learn magic.” And I have, but with limited information and no one to teach me, alchemy was the best I could do. Now, with the Knuckles, I cannot even synthesize. No transmutations for me, for now. Ienzo looks to Aeleus, who nods, and I am quite impressed by how much these two are able to communicate with just a look. Aeleus retreats to a bookshelf, grabs a grizzled, thick tome and thrusts it into my hands. The book is dusty with crinkled pages. I’m so intrigued. I set it down on a table nearby and open it up to a page in the middle. “A spell book?” Despite having little knowledge of magic, I know one when I see it.

“If you are able to toy so easily with interpersonal, sleep and dark magic, I’m curious what you could be capable of in the realm of light.” Ienzo confesses. “You were an alchemist in one life, no? Magic is infinitely less taxing on the body than alchemy.” That in and of itself is enough to tantalize me. But still…

“Thanks, but I should get going with this.” I nod. “I…I’m not trying to be an asshole, I promise, and I’m going to come back, and I swear, I’m going to buy you fucking ice cream and make things up to you, Ienzo, but I need to find Lea.” 

“Rueki, I don’t believe you need to leave to find him.” Ienzo says. I make a face. Is he fucking with me?

“You just said he left, did he say he was coming back?” I ask. 

“No, but did you not just mention that Braig had chosen to become Xigbar, to aid, Xehanort, or, as you knew him, Xemnas, in some task?” Ienzo asks. I nod, cautiously. What is he getting at? “Well, it had always seemed to me that Braig, although loyal to Xehanort, was apprehensive and would not have gone along with his orders if not properly persuaded. Can you think of someone infinitely more loyal to Xehanort?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Saix.” I answer, easily. “Fuck, you think he chose to become a Nobody to follow along with Xehanort?” And I have to admit, it makes perfect sense. I forgot, even as a member of Organization XIII, I liked Zexion, if for no reason other than his intellect.

“I wouldn’t doubt it. And if Lea fails to find him, or worse yet, discovers his friend is working against him, my hypothesis is that he would return to somewhere he knows is safe, somewhere that he knows he has allies.” Ienzo explains.

“You think he’d come back here?” I ask.

“Lea is notorious for returning to what he knows.” And I think of how he and I hid in Twilight Town, in the old mansion, and how Saix said the very same thing about him. I look between Ienzo and the book of spells and sigh.

“I guess it couldn’t hurt to wait.”


	6. Chapter 6

VI.

Two days after receiving the book of spells, I cast thunder for the first time. 

I’m muttering, finger tracing over words that I am struggling so hard to understand. My brain feels like it is about to burst, my eyes are tired. I won’t pretend I’ve been sleeping properly, I won’t pretend I have even the slightest handle on self care. But I’ve popped in to eat dinner with Cid, Yuffie, Leon and Aerith every single night, and have spent the rest of my time in the castle. When the only company I keep are scientists so used to neglecting their their physical health in favor of producing results, no one offers my ragged state a second look . 

My head is throbbing and I’m about ready to chuck the spell book halfway across the room and disappear off to get sea salt ice cream, when I whisper an incantation.

“Thunder.” The word leaves my lips, a muffled, annoyed murmur. I’ve said it a thousand times, I’ve recited the necessary words for every single spell in this book a thousand times. I expect nothing. So when, half awake, I mumble ‘thunder’ and the entire room lights up in a blaze of lightning that knocks Ienzo out of his chair and sends Aeleus scuttling wildly into the room, I nearly have a heart attack. A real, honest to goodness heart attack. I slam my hand against my chest, feeling it beating wildly. “Fuck!” I gasp. I stand up, my body is sore with exhaustion and it hurts just to be on my feet, but I feel like I owe it to both Aeleus and Ienzo to help Ienzo to his feet. 

“I see you’re learning your spells.” Ienzo mutters, face slightly reddened with embarrassment at his own reaction. Which, like there is absolutely zero reason for. I would’ve reacted at least that dramatically and probably would’ve cursed a lot more. 

“Yeah, I’m really sorry, I didn’t think that was going to happen.” I confess, offering Ienzo a hand. Aeleus is still giving me a dirty look, which is totally fair. 

“What was different this time? If you want to summon thunder again, and in a more controlled manner, you’ll certainly want to keep that in mind.” Ienzo says, and truly, I do like him a lot. He’s smart, and although not a mage, he’s an excellent teacher. 

“I don’t know.” I confess. “I was more tired this time.”

“Was your concentration stronger?” He presses.

“I feel like it was weaker, it was a pretty half assed attempt.” I sigh. 

“Then perhaps you’re trying to hard. If magic truly is your natural born talent, perhaps you need to rely more on your instinct than you do on intellect.” Ienzo offers. I laugh, dryly. 

“Yeah, relying on my instinct has a tendency to get me killed.” I respond.

He doesn’t argue with me.

\--

Four days after receiving the book of spells, I have completely mastered thunder, and can call upon Thundaga without even breaking a sweat. Aeleus and Dilan, who is now awake, have escorted me into a room deep within the lab. There are no Heartless anywhere around, but it is a much more secure space to practice magic. Other spells still evade me, but thunder I can cast in my sleep. Despite being told that I’m dangerous as I train, Ienzo still sneaks into the basement to visit me, to throw empty beakers or other disposable items at me to cast thunder on. I’m surprised by how right he is and how much instinct is involved in magic. While alchemy is a very exact science, magic is an art, it takes finesse, there are no definitives. I cannot decide if that drives me crazy or not.

“Be careful not to over exert yourself.” Ienzo warns me, after my third casting of Thundaza. I’m crouched down, my heart hammers, and to my surprise, I’m quite sweaty. I shouldn’t be surprised, certainly. I know very well how taxing alchemy is, magic although not as exhausting can’t be too much different. I cannot rely too heavily on it without giving myself time to recharge. 

“That one took out more from me than I thought it would.” I confess, rummaging through my pouch for a Potion. 

“Well of course, Thundaza is quite the spell. You don’t really need to push yourself beyond that.” He insists. For a moment, I think he’s telling me to just be happy that I’ve mastered thunder. And then, I realize, he isn’t.

“Are you trying to say there’s stronger magic than the fourth tier?” I ask.

“Infinitely.” He nods. “Mega spells, Tera spells, and beyond that, ancient magic, from the era of Fairy Tales, rumors of Zetta spells. Spells one quadrillion times more powerful than Mega spells.” For a second, I think he must be joking, quadrillion doesn’t even sound like a real number. But his expression doesn’t shift at all. My eyes widen. His face finally contorts. “Rueki, being power hungry isn’t what I would call safe, especially for a new mage.” 

“Okay, but if a Zetta spell is that much more powerful, can you imagine what it would do to help Sora? If Xemnas or Xehanort or whatever the fuck he wants to go by is back, he’s going to be a threat. So let’s take him down in one swoop, before he has time to plot.” I insist, because I know what Xemnas is capable of, when left to his own devices. I know what sorts of schemes he can concoct and I do not plan to give him any time for that. Not with the prospect of settling into a life with Lea being so tangible.

“The cost could easily be your life, if the stories are to be believed. Rueki, no one has used such powerful magic in centuries, if the rumors are even true. You’re an alchemist, you know better than most that you cannot simply reap the benefits without paying the cost.” Ienzo reminds me. I purse my lips. I don’t like his answer, I don’t like the fact that he’s willing to give up, even if it is the safer choice. I’m not interested in playing anything safe at this point. My past was a secret to me for so long, I was a pawn to some bastard without a heart, in the prime of my life. No one is taking anything from me. “How strong do you need to be?” I know Ienzo means to ask it rhetorically, but I have an answer.

“Strong enough that I don’t hurt anymore.

\--

But a week and a half into learning magic, I hurt worse than ever. I don’t know if it is overexertion from practicing magic or if it has something to do with the fact that I can only manage a few hours of sleep a night before waking up, shrieking, convinced that I am being impaled by Saix’s Claymore. But I do know what is weighing heaviest of all on me .

I have wasted a week and a half of my life, stationary, in Radiant Garden, without Lea. There is no sign of him returning soon. I feel twice as empty as I did without a heart. Yuffie notices, I am certain. As I sift through soup that I have barely touched, she watches me, looking antsy, wanting to intervene but unsure how.

“We should get ice cream, Rueki! You, me and Ienzo!” She suggests.

“Do it, kid. You need a break, ya look like you’ve aged a decade in the past week.” Cid insists. I snort.

“I'm good.” I’m well aware that I look like shit. “I’m gonna go for a walk.” I shove myself away from the table. Aerith looks at me with worried, green eyes. 

“You’ve barely touched your food.” She says.

“I’m just not hungry.” I shake my head. 

“Well, I’ll come on the walk with you! You look like you could use some company.” Yuffie offers, but I shake my head.

“I’ve got a lot on my mind, I just want to clear my head.” I reply. 

“Well, wouldn’t talking about things help?” Yuffie asks. I don’t mean to snort derisively, but I do. For a moment, I freeze, caught in utter shame at my own behavior, and then, I flee, taking off into the brisk air of Radiant Garden. The sun is on the brink of setting, my own footfalls do nothing to ease my weary mind. 

I see the fountain in the middle of the square and remember lying beside Axel, in his bed, a crooked half smirk on his face when he confessed that my fixation with Ventus made him want to push me into said fountain. My mouth presses together, a hard line. 

“I just want you to come home.” I whisper, pinching my eyes shut. With my eyes closed, there is a deep, introspective moment, where I swear I can feel my own essence. I’m sleep deprived, I’ve been playing with magic too much, I’m an utter wreck of a human being. I’m certain, that my soul has been ripped apart, jagged, a huge chunk is missing. My eyes fly open, and nothing is amiss. I’m just some girl, standing in the middle of the empty town square. I’m just some idiot, convinced her loneliness means something much deeper than it actually does. 

Sometimes pain is just pain, I remind myself. Not everything needs to be empathy links and heart connections and magic. 

But I don’t sleep at all that night, I sob, pathetically, because the emptiness I feel has taken a physical toll. 

\--

I cast a sleep spell on myself and dive deep into the world of dreams. Not my own, someone else’s anyone else’s. I’m not even upset when I meet Xigbar in the pitch black room. This is a break from my own mind, an escape from myself and that in and of itself is a blessing.

“Well aren’t you just a wayward little mess?” There’s amusement in his voice but I don’t even have it in me to argue with him. I feel like hell.

“That’s an understatement.” I mutter, sitting on the ground, folding in on myself. “Please, tell me, have you seen Lea?” I’m not proud, at this point, I will beg, and as my eyes search his visible one , I think he realizes this. He sinks to the ground, crouching down to my level.

“Come on, you’re not that boring. Since when are you a damsel who needs her little boyfriend to keep her sane?” He asks.

“I don’t have a witty comment for you. I can’t fucking sleep, I’m miserable all the time, I can’t figure out a way to make any of this go away. Roxas isn’t here to hold my fucking hand, Lea’s not here to keep my nightmares away. I just...If you know where he is, just please tell me. At this point, I’ll do anything.” It’s such a terrible offer to make, but I’m beyond the point of caring. I cannot last another week like this, sleeping in fits and starts, missing him desperately, body feeling cold and tired and sore, as though I have the flu. He looks me over with his head cocked to the side.

“Careful who you offer that kind of thing to, kid. You wouldn’t want a favor in the wrong hands.” Xigbar warns. My eyes widen.

“Are you looking out for me?” I ask. I’ve got to be hallucinating. That, or this isn’t actually Xigbar.

“More like looking out for myself. But that’s not really here nor there.” He replies, with a dramatic wave of his hand. “Point is, I have no idea where your little boyfriend is. What’s with you? Come on, you’ve usually got a little more bite in you! At least make this fun for me, don’t turn into a whimpering mess the second he leaves your side.” 

“Fuck you.” I mutter. “I can’t sleep without him, it’s just...everything...the darkness is too much.” 

“Really? That’s all it takes to reduce you to--” And then, mid taunt, Xigbar freezes. I watch his expression morph, from playful, to curious, to concerned, to something desperate yet unreadable. “Listen, kiddo, you’ve got a lot of marks on you, so I’m sure you lost track somewhere along the way, but did Axel ever leave some sort of scar on you? Maybe a burn or a brand? Probably a fingerprint, maybe the side of his hand?” 

My entire body tenses. I feel as though breath has been vacuum sealed straight from my lungs. Both Axel and I had come to terms with the fact that we were never going to figure out what caused that reaction, how could Xigbar possibly predict…?

Absently, I fumble for the spot on my hip where Axel’s thumb print is seared. Xigbar’s visible eye goes huge. 

“Oh, hell. Now that’s brutal….I didn’t even think it was possible, all things considered...but why not? Nothing’s ever fair, is it?” He shakes his head, looking flustered. Too bad he makes absolutely zero sense.

“What is the mark?” I snap, voice hostile and demanding. I mean to be pushy, but my tone just makes him laugh.

“You’re in for a hell of a time, little Rueki. I mean, jeez, maybe I shouldn’t have told you to make your heart your guiding key. Maybe you’re the exception, maybe you just need to be a good little girl and follow the path destiny has laid out for you.” He shakes his head, suddenly turning away from me. His entire demeanor changes, abruptly anxious, like there are too many thoughts flying through his mind for him to even begin to keep up with.

“I’d say fuck that, I’m in charge of my own destiny.” I say, flatly. He snorts.

“Ever the cynic. Doesn’t matter though. Nothing I can’t work through.” He shrugs.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I groan, but he decides this is the perfect opportunity to change topics. 

“You’re in for some serious pain, sweetheart. You’re right about the dark being too much. You’re gonna need a crazy powerful source of light to combat it until you find him.” He informs me, though he still keeps his back to me. 

“You know, I think you keep forgetting that I don’t trust you.” I remind him, my tone cautious. It would be easy though, to take him at his word. In my desperation I want to trust him. I want something I can lean on entirely and my would be family in Radiant Garden is not equipped for such a task. He shifts his weight and tilts his head back toward me.

“You really love looking a gift horse in the mouth, don’t you?” He asks. 

“Well go figure, every gift anyone from Organization XIII has ever offered me has exploded right in my face. You can’t blame a girl for learning from her mistakes.” I reply. He snickers, shaking his head, as though I am utterly exasperating and am just making this difficult for him. He should know better though, I could certainly make this far more difficult for him.

“Go to The Destiny Islands. Find Kairi, Sora’s little girlfriend. She’s one of the seven Princesses of Heart, the seven purest sources of light. If you keep her around, I’m sure she’ll shine a light bright enough to cut through all of that darkness.” Xigbar finally offers. 

“And why the fuck would I listen to you?” I ask, with eyebrows raised.

“Okay, whatever, make this hard on yourself, if you want. Your darkness won’t technically kill you, so if you wanna live miserably, that’s up to you, little Rueki.” He waves his hand and casts me back into my own dreams. When I wake up, sobbing, I wonder if maybe I should trust him long enough to take the leap.

\--

The second spell I learn, is Zero Gravity. It is yet another spell that I struggle with for so very long, trying to use the perfect amount of concentration, trying to cast it with so much focus, with no success. And when I am met with success, it is abrupt, on a complete whim. One moment, Im curled on the floor of the lab basement, pouring over the spellbook, the next, I’m floating completely suspended mid air, as though I am being held up by wires. My hair floats, my ponytail tickles my face, my limbs feel as though I am floating through water. 

Maybe Ienzo was right, maybe my instincts aren’t so utterly broken, maybe I’d be smarter to trust them, maybe I’m--

Maybe I’m high on anti gravity.

The feeling is quite unlike the high I got off of dark magic. Instead of feeling in control, powerful and unstoppable, I feel powerless, but blissful. Up here, in the air, I am untouchable. My muscles uncurl, a kink I didn’t realize was in my neck, releases. Immediately, I try to calculate how I could possibly maintain this spell in my sleep, because if there were any way for me to dream peacefully, it would be like this. And yet...thinking is just so hard.

Everything about Xigbar makes sense, his leisurely behavior, the fact that he randomly spends time on the ceiling, his complete lack of disorientation at the shifting in space. I realize he is probably right about sex being better without gravity, and I know, in my heart of hearts, that my first thought should be how aggressively I am going to enjoy this new ability with Lea, when I find him, but it’s not. The first thing that comes to mind, is that this is the secret to how I’m going to survive without him, without anyone. I’ll stay high like this, all the time, I’ll find a way to never come down, I will numb every bit of pain.

If he’s not going to come back home then--

I hit the ground abruptly, with a crash that rattles my whole body. After all, I have not mastered any high tiers of this spell, surely I could not expect the effects of it to last long. My back aches with impact.I groan as I struggle to sit up. 

I know I should be upset at myself for being resigned so easily, to being without Lea. But something new is stirring within my own personal darkness. 

I’m not some sad little girl, content to cry her nights away, Xigbar was right about that, at least. I’m not that boring. 

What I am, is pissed.

\--

I lay in my bed, in the dark, and count the minutes I am awake.

One, two, three.

I’m here, alone. My bed is terribly empty nothing warms it, nothing warms me.

Four, five, six.

What I’m feeling isn’t right, I tell myself. Lea has not abandoned me to search for Isa, he’s out looking for me, too. Axel lied to keep me safe, over and over again, he chose my safety over everything else, knowing full well that I would be pissed at him, but he cast aside his own need for self preservation, to care for me. Because he loved me, because he still loves me. He would sacrifice anything and everything for me. He is not only my lover, but my best friend, my greatest ally. My partner. I trust him beyond anything.

Seven, eight, nine.

But it doesn’t matter, because try as I may, I cannot quell the rage that bubbles inside of me. All he had to do was stay put, I told him I would find him. He’s not out looking for me, he’s looking for the man who tortured me, who beat my body to a pulp, who would’ve been responsible for killing me, had I not begged Roxas for death. Even if he is out searching for me, in tandem, finding happiness both in his friendship with Saix and in his life with me, is mutually exclusive. Isa, Saix, it doesn’t matter what name that bastard wants to go by, his hate for me, and the lengths it drove him to are unforgivable. Lea cannot have a life with both of us. But with every single lie he told me, with all that he hid from me, no matter how violently I swore that we could not be together if he withheld the truth from me, ever again, I wonder if a life with me is really all that important to him. Does he truly love me as much as I love him? Or am I trapped in some cruel twist of fate, where the person I love the most and will choose, above everything, will cast me aside the second his childhood friend comes around? I trust him, beyond anything, but am I a fool to?

Ten, eleven, twelve.

And I am so weak, because for how long he lied, and the lengths he went to, to keep such an important truth from me, the second I saw Axel in limbo, I crumbled for him. I cast my anger aside, too weak to stand my guard, too weak to shout what I believe in. Axel has made me weak, I’ve cast aside so much of myself, all just for--

Thirteen.

I tear out of bed, stumbling with all the grace of a newborn fawn. The floorboards of Cid’s house creak, my heart hammers, a drum pounding all the way into my temples. I don’t even try to look for my shoes, I don’t try to look for where my belt or La Luxure have been discarded to. In the dark, my thoughts are wild, and I am so very afraid of what I am becoming. I need to get away from this, as far as my legs can take me. Logic fails me, my instincts have kicked in and have urged me to flea no matter what the cost.

I leave my bedroom and barrel straight into Cid. In the dark, I cannot tell it is him. I reach out to swing just as he turns a light on. I freeze, trembling, panting. My poor, hummingbird heart is about to give out, before I even have the chance to use it.

“The hell, Rueki?” He cries out, I drop my fist, body going limp. No, please no. I wanted so badly to keep this from him, from everyone in Radiant Garden. But my panic has pushed me over the edge, far beyond what I can backtrack from. I struggle for breath as I stare at him with wide, horrified eyes.

“I--I just…” I cannot come up with a good lie. “I must have been sleep walking.”

“Don’t bullshit me, kid, I ain’t stupid!” Cid snaps, grabbing my shoulders into his calloused hands. My heart skips a beat, as my body still urges me to run, not fully soothed. I don’t know whether it is the shrinking of my pupils, the trembling of my body or the fact that I am holding my breath, maybe it is a combination of everything, but Cid seems to understand just how petrified I truly am. “Kid…” His voice grows gentler, his grip on me slackens, his brow creases with worry. Tears start to sting the corners of my eyes. I shake my head.

“I can’t do this, I need to go, I need to get out of here, I’m losing my fucking mind sitting still.” My voice crackles, wet and heavy. 

Nothing could prepare me for Cid wrapping his arms tightly around me, letting me sob into his shoulder.

“Okay kid, okay. In the morning, you can head out. You’ve gotta get some sleep, okay?” He pats the back of my head, so unprepared for the onslaught that his would be daughter is unleashing upon him. I am not Cid’s daughter, he didn’t choose to have me, I was thrust upon him, and even if he did choose to have me, he surely could never have expected I would come with this much baggage. 

“I can’t.” I shake my head. “I keep trying, I’ve tried for weeks, I just...I keep having nightmares. All the fucking time, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t get the hell away from them.”My voice is strained, broken. Cid squeezes me tight.

“Lucky you then, you found your way back to me.” He says. Suddenly, he releases me, tapping me twice on the shoulder. I stand, lifelessly by as he disappears into the kitchen. It is several minutes before I can force myself to follow him, and by time I do, he presents me with a mug of something piping hot, that stinks of cinnamon and dirt. I take the cup from him and drink, without hesitation. The liquid sears my throat, but the heat is comforting. Nearly gagging on the overly earthy aftertaste, I offer Cid the now empty mug and he gazes at me, a quizzical look on his face. “Not even going to wait for me to tell you what it is? Or for it to cool down?” 

How do I tell my godfather that I wouldn’t even be a little bit upset if he were to poison me, at this point in my life? 

“Eh.” I shrug, voice still breathy. “So, what did I just drink?” I ask, clearing my throat, trying to ignore the fact that my tongue feels crisp and dry, like sandpaper. 

“Some sort of knockout tea. You’ve got about ten minutes before I’ve gotta drag your ass to the couch. Keeps you down for at least eight hours, no dreams at all. At least, if Yuffie wasn’t fucking with me.” He shrugs.

“Yuffie?” I raise an eyebrow. 

“She lost her parents, the night we lost our world. She saw em’ both go, used to have wicked nightmares about it for years. This was the only thing that kept her sleeping through the night.” He confesses. My eyes widen.

“Fuck.” I sigh.

“I know.” Cid nods. 

“You and Yuffie got close.” I say. His mouth suddenly presses into a frown. I realize just why they were so close the second the words leave my mouth. Fuck. “I’m sorry.” Cid thought he lost me, Yuffie lost her parents, it only makes sense that he cared for her, whether to absolve himself of guilt, or out of the kindness of his own heart.

“Yeah, well, you’re here now, kiddo. Can’t blame me if I don't like seeing ya like this.” He replies, gruffly. I sigh, wrapping my arms around him in a quick hug.

“You’re a good dad, Cid.” I say. It makes me uncomfortable, the sudden display of emotion. I know he doesn’t particularly know how to handle this, but it needed to be said. Or, rather, he needed to hear it. And not just for me, but for Yuffie too.

“Don’t make this weird, kid.” He says, so I punch him in the shoulder before I go back to bed.

And he’s right. True to what he told me, true to what Yuffie told him, I sleep like a rock, the first real sleep I’ve gotten since…

Since regaining my heart.

I forgot what it felt like to wake up well rested. My limbs are heavy and warm, I am so utterly comfortable, stomach pressed to the mattress, face smooshed against the pillow. Nothing around me matters. Not the fact that I’ve cocooned myself in the blankets, not the fact that sun is streaking through the windows, not the--

Fuck!

Suddenly, I leap out of bed, my reaction time infinitely better than it has been in a hell of a long time. What do you know, sleep actually is beneficial. Despite my newly refreshed reflexes, I am tangled too tight in the blankets, and I land on the bedroom floor with a thud.

“Shit.” I curse. Cid cracks open the door.

“You decent?” He asks.

“Never.” I respond, and I’m so pleased at how much more vivacious I sound. No longer do I feel like a corpse. I am not on the brink of death, walking the line. I’m me again, perhaps more me than I’ve been since before I regained my heart. And the darkness? Well, it is safely caged up, away from where it can affect my thoughts, my heart. 

Still, nothing has changed. In fact, being more awake now, I realize just how much energy a well rested person can have to dispel. I need to get heading out to search for Lea, or I’m going to end up right where I started. Besides, the darkness although caged, still resides in my heart. I intend to extinguish it. 

“Was wondering when you’d be crawling your ass out of bed.” Cid snickers.

“How long was I out for?” I can tell already that I’m gonna hate the answer.

“Something like thirty two hours.” Cid replies, all nonchalance. 

“Fuck.” I curse again. He snorts.

“Not real surprising, considering the way you were acting. Gotta be at least a week since you slept properly.” A week? That’s cute. “That Ienzo kid popped in to check on you, he’s got a good heart, that one. You sure you don’t wanna just drop Lea and settle down with a good little science geek?”

“Says the man who spends more time fucking around with a computer than anyone I’ve ever met.” I grumble, finally untangled from the mess of blankets. Casting them aside, I stand tall, delighting in how my body feels.

“You still leaving?” Cid asks, and despite my determination, I pause. I didn’t want to leave Transmute City. I didn’t want to leave Twilight Town. But above and beyond, my very being begs me to stay here, to stay home, with Cid, with Yuffie, with Ienzo.

“Yeah, I really should get going.” I nod. Because as much as I want to stay, I want to come back to my makeshift family--and not just Cid, Yuffie and Ienzo, but Del and Amaya too-- as a real, coherent person. Not the mess I was before. I need Lea back, and soon. “Can I get some of that tea to go, though?” I ask. Cid snorts.

“Already packed you a bag.” Cid says, and the sheer effort he put in, warms my heart. The two of us might be utterly emotionally stunted, but fuck, I am so happy to have my godfather back in my life. “You’d best come back soon. I don’t wanna hear any excuses, kid.”

“I promise, you’ll be the first person I return to after I find Lea, old man.” I nod as I quickly find my belt and strap it on, La Luxure dangling from a tie on my belt. “Don’t tell all my other friends, but I like you best.” I offer him a cheeky smile.

“You sure are a pain in the ass, Rueki.” He says, voice gentle.

“Some things never change.”

I offer him a quick hug, grab my bag and depart.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a word on Kairi... um, well, let's just all agree that she got aggressively downgraded in the KH games, from sassy, bossy, goofy angel to a glorified damsel, which is only made worse because she has a weapon now. I had SO much hope for Kairi, really, I did and I still do, I hope Nomura learns from the mistakes he made with her character and gives us a much more realistic character. This isn't to say that Kairi's softness makes her weak, because it doesn't, Aqua is a clear case in point of that, BUT, what I'm saying is that we needed a spunkier Kairi and we did not get that. So, I'm giving that to you instead. So, if you feel Kairi is OOC, you're absolutely fucking right. But I'm doing the same thing I did to Luxord in 'Let It Burn' and giving her the personality that she deserves, not the shitty writing she got stuck with in KHIII.

VII.

I hate myself for following Xigbar’s advice, but I do. I pull up the map from within my Teeny Ship and take the fastest route to the Destiny Islands. And not just in search of a light to pierce my darkness, but in search of Lea, as well. When I think of the happiest time of my life, I think of the two of us, spending the day on the beach, laying in the sun, talking, laughing, holding each other. I think of the day we spent on the Destiny Islands. If he really is out searching for me, the Destiny Islands might not be a bad place to start. 

I land my ship in a hunk of sand and when I disembark, I am greeted by two girls. The first has flippy brown hair, green eyes and a disgusted look on her face.

“You!” Her eyes flash something that certainly isn’t dangerous, but rather quite catty. One hand is on her hip, her other hand is jolted forward, finger sticking straight out as she points at me. I bite back a smile. Wow, how hard her life must be that me cursing a few times was enough to mar her precious little existence. 

“Sophie, right?” I grin. I swear, if looks could kill. The other girl tries and fails to stifle a giggle. Her indigo eyes twinkle with undying youth. Her smile shines twice as bright as the island sun. Her dark red hair falls, silkily onto her freckled shoulders. She might be the single most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on.

“Kairi, seriously?” The brunette, whose name I truly cannot recall, huffs, eyes narrowing. Kairi. Sora’s memories don’t do her justice. Xigbar’s warning about her light doesn’t feel enough. She isn’t a sparkly little princess, she is a vibrant goddess and I am blessed to be in her presence. “She’s a vulgar jerk. Just here to cause trouble, I’m sure.” Oh. The brunette girl is talking again. 

“I mean yeah, that’s kind of my motif.” I offer a cheeky smile. The brunette’s eyes dart around and suddenly, a devious smile spreads across her features.

“What, your boyfriend’s not with you this time? Did he leave you for a girl with some self respect?” She taunts. The slut shaming little bitch. And tragically, she confirmed what I feared most. Lea isn’t here. It’s almost enough to turn me right back around but...I have no doubt that Kairi’s light could easily tame my darkness. I don’t know her, all I have to go on are Sora’s memories, but I would gladly staple myself to this girl’s side, if she would only cast some of her warmth onto me. 

“I don’t have time for you, brat.” I wave a hand at the girl, because truly, the last thing I want to do is waste a witty response on a fucking child.

Oh, hey, look at me, I’m growing up.

“Um, it’s Selphie!” The girl finally huffs. Hmm, probably should’ve been able to figure that one out on my own. “And no one wants you around here, right, Kairi?”

But Kairi, though she only appears to be a year or two older than Selphie, carries herself almost regally in comparison. She smiles her best, enigmatic smile and cocks her head to the side.

“Sora and Riku aren’t here.” She informs me, crossing her delicately muscled arms to her chest. She cocks her hip to the side, ever so slightly, defensively, as though she is the great protector of this island. I am reminded, momentarily, of the chief’s daughter from Motunui. Did I ever catch her name?

“What makes you think I’m here for Sora and Riku?” I ask, setting a hand on my hip. Because something about her tells me that she has no respect for delicate flowers who back down. Then again, she did grow up holding her own against two boys. 

“You’re in a Gummi Ship. The only visitors we’ve ever had, who travel that way are always here for Sora and Riku.” She says. “They’re busy though, taking their Mark of Mastery Exam.”

“Well, lucky for you, I’m not here for them. I’m looking for someone.” My boyfriend, you know, the guy who kidnapped you, princess. For a moment, I contemplate not properly introducing myself to this girl, in fear that she will associate my name with Axel’s, and immediately distrust me. Even though that reaction would be totally fair, the whole kidnapping thing was my idea. “I’m Rueki. I’m friends with Sora.”

“Rueki…” She mulls over my name for a minute, pretty eyes narrowing in concentration. I hold my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Oh, right, you were friends with Roxas, too.” She nods. 

The incantation of my best friend’s name surprises me. “I didn’t know you knew Roxas.”

“Sort of. Yeah. It’s weird” She offers. 

“That’s a good summary of my life since I met Sora.” I nod, and at this, she finally cracks a big, toothy smile. I take a great sense of pride in seeing this reaction. Whether it is Kairi’s light, Sora being drawn to her through me, or my own individual feelings, I do not know, but I don’t necessarily mind. Selphie seems to decide this is the proper time to huff and stomp away, muttering something about Blitzball.

“You lost your heart, you were a Nobody.” Kairi reminds me, I scrunch up my face and look away.

“I mean, it’s back now.” I shrug, halfheartedly. Kairi doesn’t even miss a beat.

“I know. I would’ve been able to tell if you didn’t have one.” She says. I raise my eyebrows. “It’s a weird thing. My heart is made purely of light.” 

I wish there was a more subtle way to tell this girl that I’ve had some nasty run ins with weird thin a and that her being made purely of light is hardly shocking even without my inside knowledge. Instead, I settle on

“Your Nobody did a thing to my heart and Sora’s and now I can see into his mind. Believe me, I get weird.” 

“You’ve met Naminé?” Her eyes light up.

“We were friends.” I nod, because I do think, at the end of the day, that is the best word I can use to describe Naminé. I think the number of slights we’ve had against one another have balanced themselves out in the eyes of the universe. I didn’t properly save her from Organization XIII, and she urged me to kill my best friend when she--

Wait, what?

Fog creeps into my brain, I cannot grasp whatever it is I seem to be forgetting. 

Kairi chews on her lower lip, brow furrowed, in a gesture that might be the most precious thing I have ever seen. 

This is it, I’m gonna steal Sora’s girl. Bye, Lea. Guess my type is cute redheads. 

“Tell me about her, I’ll buy you some ice cream.” She offers, and that is not an offer I turn down, on principle. 

\--

We sit in the sand, me regretting wearing tights, Kairi fanning herself with the hand that isn’t holding a stick of sea salt ice cream. I decide firmly, that while I don’t mind sitting on the beach with a cute redhead, I absolutely cannot handle the tropics long term. Kairi looks perfect, a flower blossoming, sweat seems to glisten against her perfect skin. I, however, look like a melted popsicle as I recant my story to her, leaving out very explicit details. Major details. Taunting Sora in Castle Oblivion, my relationship with Axel. The fact that it was my idea to kidnap her.

No big deal.

She bites straight into her ice cream, without fear, and I cringe as I watch her. She doesn’t even seem to notice me watching. Or if she does, she makes no show of it. Instead, she draws a knee to her chest and slips off her shoes, dipping her toes into the warm water as I speak. 

I’m never wearing tights again, fuck.

“And then you asked Sora to kill you.” She finishes for me, eyes still not meeting mine. I flinch, because her words bare no lost love. She’s mad at me, and I can’t-- “He locked himself in his room for two days after he got back home, I’ve never seen him so upset.” 

My stomach twists, a mangled knot, as I visualize Sora, someone I’ve always considered so vibrant, so full of good, coming undone. Because of me. Because I was selfish and couldn’t let Saix win. 

“I wasn’t a good person. I’ve done a lot of terrible things.” I confess, watching Kairi, intently, as though this is some grand test, and I do not want to fail by not taking responsibility. Just as I told Leon, my choices were my own, nothing can take away from that. I need to own every second of my life, no matter how difficult. This is my weight to shoulder, no one else’s. I cannot blame anyone.

Not even Lea.

“I was so jealous. I really thought... “ Kari is struggling. Her brow is knit together, she licks her chapped lips as she struggles for words. Oh!

“Um, no. Definitely not. I’m way too old for him. And I’ve got someone.” Seriously, what is it with people thinking I’m screwing the Keybearer? Or his Nobody. Maybe Saix is right, maybe there is something about me that just makes people think I’m a whore.

Fuck. Scratch that. I want to dip my brain in battery acid to purge those thoughts. Saix, right. Ha. Disgusting.

“Yeah, I know. I yelled at him.” Kairi’s eyes finally flick to mine. She smiles, wickedly, toothily so very proud of herself. “Plus, you’re a lot prettier than he described. If Sora liked you, he probably would’ve gotten all tongue tied.” 

“You mean, like he does when he talks about you?” I raise an eyebrow. Kairi turns approximately the same color as her hair.

“Um, no, it’s not like that. We’re just really close friends.” She confesses, suddenly bashful as she sets her clean ice cream stick down 

“Hope you let him down easy then, sweetheart. Because you are literally a goddess.” I tell her. Somehow, she turns even redder and laughs, nervously. Fuck, she’s cute. Well, Sora’s outta luck. I’m about to straight up steal his girl. Lea who?

“Omigod, no. It’s just…” She bites her lip, seeming to try to decide what sort of level she wants to let me in on. In her eyes, the light begins to fade, ever so slightly. I see a hesitation in her gaze, she falters, and this is when I realize--this poor girl has been left alone so long, by the two she considers her very best friends. She needs someone, anyone to connect with on a level that is probably deeper than people like Selphie can comprehend. I offer her what I hope is my most reassuring smile, and that’s all it takes to break down her very thin walls. “We just haven’t talked about our relationship like that. I mean, I want to. I’ve felt like this for so long but like, of course I do. He's always been so nice to me, he always wanted to protect me, and it’s not like Riku didn’t, but I think it took Riku a lot longer to figure out who he was at heart, but not Sora. Sora was always so genuine and so wonderful and just...ugh.” She hides her face in her hands, completely overcome by the intensity of her crush, and hell, this is cute. She is so into him, it hurts. “But we were so young, before everything happened with the Keyblade, and now I'm ready to talk to him, I'm sick of waiting. But he’s never here. He’s always got the world to save and it’s just like...fuck!”

My eyes go wide, and then, I remember, she’s a sixteen year old girl. And I didn’t go three seconds without cursing at that age, not that I’m much better now. Her face is red when she comes up for air. She starts toying with her hair, nervously. 

“I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t offend you.”

“Fuck! Are you kidding, that was the first word I said when I came back to life.” I laugh. She laughs too, and I find that the sound lights me up from the inside, a flashlight in the dark. Somehow, it is enough.

“Oh, good. Riku used to be the worst, he used to curse all the time, until he came back, all grown up and mature. And Sora, I mean, he used to just try to copy Riku, but he always just whispered when he cursed. So when they came back to the Island, they both acted like I was the most vulgar person they ever met! Like fuck you guys!” She grins, flashing perfect white teeth at me. 

“Exactly, fuck them. Fuck boys. They’re the worst.” Because the way she talks about them, even though I can tell she’s trying to be funny, sounds so wistful. How dare those boys put anything above this angel? I look at her, and I vow not to. Wherever I go, from this point forward, if she wants to come with me, she can. I will not be yet another person that leaves Kairi behind. 

“Like your boyfriend?” She raises an eyebrow. I bite back a smile.

“He is the actual worst. I hate him. Most annoying person in the history of ever.” I roll my eyes. 

“Hope he’s cute.” She grins back at me, and I’m thankful she gets my terrible sense of humor. For being so fucking pretty, I really thought Kairi was going to have no personality whatsoever. I am so, so pleasantly surprised. 

“Ugh, yeah. He’s super hot.” I roll my eyes. Kairi starts to toy with her hair again, suddenly.

“Well then, you’ll probably want to go off and find him, won’t you? Since Selphie said he wasn’t here...that’s the person you’re looking for, right?”

Right, and if he were here, you’d hate me. 

I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I know I will need to tell Kairi just who I am in love with at some point, before she finds out on her own. I don’t want to watch this girl’s heart break if my secrets catch up to me.

“Yeah...but…” I stare at Kairi, in the light of the beaming sun. I want to reach out and hug her or squeeze her hand or do something that would be so inappropriate, considering how short a time we’ve know each other. 

I don’t know why I say what I say. I do need to leave, I am restless, I need to find Lea. I have sat still for far too long. I know what happens to my mind when I spend too much time stationary. 

But then again, maybe I do know why. Because I look at Kairi, at a girl who has spent too much time stationary, thinking, waiting. I see anxiety in her gaze and such a deep fear of being left behind. I wonder how many nights she has spent choking down tears, meanwhile, someplace else, I scream myself awake. I look at Kairi, and I know beyond her light, that we could be good for each other.

I wring my hands.

“He’s supposed to be looking for me too. This seems like a pretty good place to wait.”

Kairi’s eyes light up as though the breath has been torn from her lungs. Her eyes literally glisten, a fairy tale princess in the wake of her happy ending. Her smile could bring tears to my eyes. I am so embarrassed, I have to look away.

“You can stay with me, if you’d like. My house isn’t big but...I’m an orphan. It’s just me.” She confesses.

Fuck, if there were anything that could endear this girl to me any more…

“Yeah, lead the way, I need to get out of this heat.”

 

\--

Kairi’s home is a mess of single serve meals and photos without her in them. Here’s a picture of Sora on the beach, there’s a picture of Riku catching a fish. Every square inch of her tiny home is well kept, and yet, almost too much so. It feels untouched, not lived in, hollow. She doesn’t miss a beat as she nearly bounces inside, offering me a smile.

“Are you hungry? I’m not a great cook but I could make us some mac and cheese.” She offers, tucking her auburn hair behind her ear. Her words are sweet enough, but I hear a desperation in her voice.

Please Don't Leave Me. 

A mantra is left unspoken between the two of us. A split second flashes that I hate Sora and Riku for leaving her behind. Constantly, without hesitation. Nevermind that I’ve done the same to Del and Amaya and Cid and everyone from my past. This girl is an angel, I want nothing more than to plaster her to my side, protect her or teach her to hold her own, whatever it takes to keep her close. 

“You can’t be a worse cook than me.” I grin. She meets me back with a smile twice as bright. 

“Bet.” 

We spend the evening looking at recipes, trying to piece something edible together. A pinch of salt here, a dash of garlic there. Kairi gets heavy handed with the flour. I decide watering the recipe down is the best bet. I don’t know how we end up up with an inedible mess of paste, but we do. She looks quizzically down at a ball of dough and then chucks it at my head, I cannot stifle my laughter. I pick up a ball and throw it at her. It lands, with a wet flop, square on her forehead. She’s suddenly a mess of giggles, doubled over. She wads up some more dough.

In all of seven minutes, her kitchen is a complete mess and we’re laying on the linoleum floor, in hysterics, smearing mushy dough across each others faces. This is so stupid, so utterly idiotic. And so much fun. There’s no way I could’ve ever realized just how much I needed a friend like this. Del and Amaya--no matter what I try, no matter how they grow, we still have too much history to leave behind. There will never be a day that I do not want to protect them with every square ounce of who I am. Sora, Hayner, Pence, Olette--all of them are wonderful rays of light and yet, I will never be close enough to share secrets with any of them. And Roxas? Who I love with my whole heart? Everything we ever had was tainted by his fate and my obligation. 

When Kairi and I have both finally settled down from our hysterics, she looks at me, trying to bite back a big, cheeky grin.

“You look like a paper mache art project.” She tells me.

“Funny, I was thinking you look like a ceiling that got hammered with spitballs.” I reply. She snorts, loudly.

“Go take a shower, the bathroom’s down the hall, there are towels in the closet.” She waves a hand at me. 

“I don’t have any other clothes.” I tell her, though I suppose I could fashion a towel into a dress, for the short term. 

“You can borrow some of my clothes, we’re definitely gonna need to do laundry.” She nods.

“Dude, you weigh five pounds, my ass isn’t going to fit into anything you own.” I remind her. She rolls her eyes at me.

“Bet.” She replies, again.

We crawl off of the floor, I hop into the shower, and when I get out, a white tank top with purple straps, and a pair of pink, unicorn sweatpants are folded up right outside the bathroom door. I purse my lips as I look them over, but to my surprise, when I yank them on, they do sufficiently fit. The sweatpants are as tight as legging on me, and they probably hang loosely off of Kairi, but they’ll suffice. The tank top, however, fits nicely, and though that should be assuring, all I can think is ‘cool, my boobs are as big as a skinny young teen’s’. Because that’s fair.

I emerge from the bathroom, in cozy clothes, with soaking hair, to see Kairi pulling a premade pizza out of the oven. 

“Dude, there’s not mushrooms on that, is there?” Is my very adult reaction. She turns to me as she sets the pizza on top of the stove.

“I’m not a monster.” Is her response. I grin. 

“Cool, you go shower, let me be a not shitty house guest and clean up this dough mess.” I offer. 

“Okay, but only because I’m trying to ease your guilt for ruining my kitchen. This is for you, not for me.” She teases.

“Oh, of course, your highness.” I dip into a low courtesy. She snickers and nearly skips down the hall as I begin wiping dough off of every visible surface. 

By time she has emerged from the bathroom, the pizza is at an edible temperature and I have finished mopping her floors. 

In no time at all, we settle in on her couch--a grey, upholstered loveseat--and watch girly movies while we eat. Flicks that I would otherwise avoid, Kairi selects, and despite not wanting to watch anything about a young woman finding love in the big city, Kairi’s infatuation somehow makes me mildly more interested. After two or three movies that I mildly hate, and she very clearly loves, she offers to braid my hair, and I do not tell her no. We talk endlessly about how we both grew up on Radiant Garden, about the things she can sense as a Princess of Heart, about how I am learning magic and she can summon a Keyblade. By the end of the evening, we both have painted toe nails and have made a bed of blankets on her living room floor.

“You know, you can sleep in your own bed, this is your house.” I remind her.

“I know. But this is a sleepover, this is fun.” She shrugs, stretching out on the floor. I bite back a smile. A sleepover with chick flicks, junk food and pedicures. The very thought is so girly, so normal, and I realize there is a good chance that both Kairi and I were deprived of this kind of sweet, estrogen filled bliss. She, who grew up an orphan with Selphie as her only female friend, and me, in an orphanage, feeling as though I had to defend Del and Amaya with all my might. 

“Yeah, it is.” I say. 

“Thanks for hanging out with me, Rueki.” She smiles, so genuinely, eyes crinkling with her grin. My heart throbs. She thinks she needed this, she thinks I’m her savior, but I think about Xigbar’s words and Kairi’s light, and realize that it very well may be the other way around.

I reach out and squeeze her hand, and despite knowing her for a day, the gesture doesn’t feel forced, it doesn’t feel odd. She doesn’t pull away.

“Any time, kid. You’re stuck with me now.”

I fall asleep, clutching her hand and, for the first time, without help from any special tea, or Axel’s presence, I do not have nightmares.


	8. Chapter 8

VIII.

I am well rested, I fall asleep with ease. I fall asleep, and I drop.

Deep. Deeper than before.

I feel my body drift down the familiar path that Sora’s heart has laid, so generously, out for me. A twist here, a turn there. I haven’t entered his dreams in over a month at this point, I am unprepared, clad in pajamas, barefoot with no weapon. But my subconscious doesn’t care, and whisks me straight into the middle of Traverse Town, where I come face to face with Neku and Shiki.

I have never been simultaneously so excited and horrified to see someone.

“Omigod, Rueki, what are you wearing?” Shiki nearly shrieks, clapping her hand over her mouth as she clutches her stuffed cat with her other arm. I turn to Neku, who is trying so hard not to meet my eyes as he smirks.

“Good timing, Sora just swooped in to save us. But you knew that, didn’t you?” Neku raises an eyebrow. He’s right, here in the depths of Sora’s dreams, his thoughts come as easily to me as breathing. I can sift through them, sorting out all of the memories that I have missed. 

“It’s good to see you guys too, you know, you suck at making conversation, right?” I roll my eyes. Shiki giggles and closes the distance between the two of us, hugging me tightly.

“Oh don't be sassy, Rueki. You don’t need to take your bad fashion choices out on us. When Neku and I get back to Shibuya, I’ll take you shopping again, okay?” She asks. I snort and hug her back.

“Technically I’m sleeping.” I say. Shiki takes a step away from me, head cocked to the side.

“I don’t understand...and where’s Axel? Are you guys not together anymore? I was really rooting for you.” Her words are like knives, piercing straight through me. I clutch my abdomen. Kairi’s light is strong, and so am I, but my momentary distraction has made Lea’s absence all the more painful. My very being is serrated. 

Neku’s eyes flick to mine.

“Shiki, stop.” Neku says, a lot harsher than he needs to. And Shiki, to her credit, doesn’t put up with it. She places a hand on her hip.

“Rueki’s my friend too, Neku, I'm allowed to talk to her.” She retorts. I offer her the most pathetic smile I can muster up.

“No, it’s...he’s trying to have my back, Shiki. You know how good he is with feelings.” I say. Neku doesn’t even fight me on this one.

“About as good as you.” Shiki nods, which is totally fair.

“Yeah, you got me there…” I say, my eyes flicking up to hers. I meet her curious gaze and, hell, I like Shiki, really I do. But I am so beyond thankful for Neku, who I can suffer silently with, who will not ask me the questions I don’t want to answer, so long as I return the favor. I chew the inside of my cheek and reply with the most tragically cliché statement known to mankind. “It’s complicated.”

“You can’t just leave it at that.” Shiki huffs. 

“Come on, she’s obviously having a hard enough time already.” Neku rolls his eyes. 

“Since when did you two become best friends?” Shiki wheels around to him, just in time for Sora to cry out, from around the corner. 

“He got away!” He whines, and I jump a little. I assumed Sora was nearby, that his heart guided mine safely into his dreams. But, under the haze of my own misery, I nearly forgot he was around. Shiki’s eyes are still intently gazing at me, so I decide now is the perfect time to go find the Keybearer. I round the corner and watch his eyes light up as he sees me. “Rueki! I haven’t seen you in forever, I was so wor--” Suddenly, his eyes shine brighter than I’ve ever seen them. A huge grin breaks out across his face. “That’s Kairi’s shirt.” Dear fucking Twilight, those two are so cute, it hurts. 

“Yeah, we're friends now. By the way, stop fucking leaving your girlfriend behind, or I’m gonna snatch her up! She's adorable and cool as hell, she deserves better.” I throw my hands up. Of course, this is the same time Neku and Shiki follow behind me. Sora’s face turns about fifteen different shades of red before his eyes finally meet Shiki’s, mostly to avoid mine. 

“Uh, hi, you must be Neku’s game partner.” Sora offers her a tiny little wave, but Shiki doesn’t miss a beat. She strides right over to him and offers her hand, which he shakes, promptly. 

“Yeah, I’m Shiki! Nice to meet you. Neku told me all about you.” She says, and then casts me a very pointed look, informing me that Neku did not, however, mention my shitty life story to her, and that she is not done grilling me. 

“Cool. But you should’ve seen him. He looked everywhere for you.” And Sora is so sweet, so earnest, it hurts. But that is so not Neku. The orange haired boy hides his face in the cowl of his shirt, shakes his head and waves his hands with a flustered sense of urgency.

“Hey, Sora!” He admonishes, nearly choking on his words. “Stop talking!” I bite back a laugh, because truly, Neku is so much like me, it hurts. 

“Hell, kid. Seriously, you are my favorite out of all of the teenagers I’ve adopted.” I say to him. He narrows his eyes, shooting me a deadly look, which Sora cannot seem to comprehend. I suppose that is one of the consequences of wearing your heart on your sleeve.

“But Neku, you said you need her. That’s a good thing.” Sora tries. Shiki, to her credit, at least tries to make light out of Sora’s embarrassing over sharing. She tucks her hair delicately behind her ear and looks to the ground. I don’t like myself for thinking it, but if Shiki does manage to corner me with the whole Axel thing, I am throwing this moment right back at her.

“That’s sweet, Neku.” She replies. The ginger haired boy clears his throat and rubs the back of his head.

“I need you to stop annoying me.” Which is probably the sweetest thing Neku is going to say to her face. Shiki seems to realize this, as a brighter, bolder smile starts tugging at her pink lips.

“Mmm, well, I still think it’s sweet.” She say, lightly, toying absently with her stuffed cat. “It’s nice to be needed.” I can think of a million and one disagreements for that statement, but before I even have the chance to pick an unnecessary fight to distract a teenage girl, light footsteps begin to tread toward us. 

“I’m sorry, is this a bad time?” A tenor voice rings out, and within a matter of seconds, the shadows of the world seem to part, making way for an impish looking boy with ashy hair...The Composer. “Because that Dream Eater we’re after has retreated to the other imagining of this world.” 

My eyes dart to Shiki, to Neku, to Sora, and to the Composer once more. Neku called the kid a dick, but the way he spoke about--what was his name? Joshua? Yeah…--Joshua, led me to believe that maybe there had been some sort of reconciliation. And Shiki seems to look at the boy with familiarity, so has this Joshua kid finally come clean, with the secrets he held when Axel and I were in Shibuya? Does Neku know the Composer, for weeks on end, killed him and brought him back to life, for his own pleasure? And if so, how the hell are these two even on speaking terms right now?

“Other Imagining? You mean, where Riku is?” Sora asks, and as the words leave his mouth, I dart into his mind--which somehow seems slightly hazier, odd--sifting through the memories I need. Riku is here, with us, on a different plane, or a different realm. A different imagining. 

“Yes. He and our other friends will do what they can. But we’ll just run ourselves in circles at this rate. We need to trap that thing in one place, and then we can finish it.” Joshua explains, eyes flicking to me. Then to Sora, then to me again. “And who, pray tell, is our new guest?”

“Oh, you don’t remember me?” I snap. My hostility rolls across the boy, as though he is covered in oil. He shrugs, blithely.

“In my time, I’ve seen a lot of faces. Trust me, yours isn’t the prettiest.” And he offers Neku a wink, which makes the redhead hide his face in his hands, as though he would be perfectly happy to crawl out of his own skin.

“She and her boyfriend appeared in Shibuya when you had us playing all of those penalty games.” Shiki explains, her tone so easy, as though she is merely discussing the weather with this boy. What the fuck? Joshua’s eyes widen, and I am surprised to see a hint of horror in his violet gaze.

“Oh, well this is embarrassing.” He shakes his head. “You certainly didn’t see me at my best. Alas, I’ve made amends with my friends, you can wipe that angry look off your face.” He says, which only serves to make me more defensive. 

“Fuck you.” I reply. He laughs, high and haughty.

“Well, you certainly have a temper on you. Anyhow, long story short, I got penalized for playing too many games with my friends, we had to flee Shibuya, now we’re here.” Joshua says, which literally explains nothing. I see Neku roll his eyes and understand immediately, the ashy haired boy probably constantly speaks in riddles. He’d have fit right in with Organization XIII. “Rest assured, I am doing everything in my power to get us back home.” I still don’t like Joshua, I cannot shake the thought of him wiping Neku and Shiki’s memories, killing them, just so he didn’t have to be alone. He still strikes me as a slimy little douche, but he seems genuine, at least, in wanting to get everyone home safely. “Anyhow, if there are no further questions, I suggest we proceed to the third district.” Like he wasn’t the one that started asking questions in the first place. 

“Okay.” Sora nods, unshaken. Shiki offers him a small smile, and the two take off in a sprint toward the third district. Neku, however stays put. So does Joshua. I offer Neku, who looks hesitant, a protective look. He puts a hand up and shakes his head, and I don’t know whether to be proud or not, that he doesn’t seem to need me.

“You forgave him?” I ask Neku, not caring that Joshua is only a few feet away from me. I look to the two boys, who seem to hold no aggression toward one another and wonder how this is possible. Axel did me dirty, he lied to me, he cast my needs aside in attempt to protect me, and when I genuinely needed protection the most, he told me I could handle myself. I look at every scar visible on my body, and while Axel was not physically responsible for any of them, I wonder how much different things would be if we had somehow figured out how to communicate better. 

I feel the darkness, the resentment creep into my heart again, though now, well rested, with a source of pure light right beside my physical body, I am not consumed by it, I do not fear it. Instead, I know I need to acknowledge it to conquer it. I resent Axel. I’m mad at him, I’m hurt by everything he’s done to me. None of that is going to disappear overnight...But if Neku can forgive Joshua, who literally killed him, then, shouldn’t I be grown enough to offer the man I love, despite all of his wrongdoings, the very same?

“Yeah.” Neku replies, leaving a lot to be desired. 

“How?” I ask.

“Doesn’t matter.” Neku mutters, trying to push my display of emotion aside. Were it only the two of us, I’m sure he’d be at least a tiny bit more forthcoming, but with Joshua standing by, he’s embarrassed, I know. 

“It does to me.” I insist.

“Why?” Neku asks. 

“Because she’s trying to forgive someone who betrayed her trust too.” Joshua offers me a very knowing smile that doesn’t touch his eyes in the slightest. Again, I am reminded of the crippling loneliness that I once saw in his gaze.

“Axel.” Neku breathes. I look away from him, knowing he will understand without spoken words.

“I didn’t have a heart, he hid that from me, and that ended with me looking like this.” I wave a hand across my body. “He thought he was protecting me, but when I needed him most, he left me behind. He gave away his life, like it didn’t matter, like he didn’t think it would destroy me. I just...I want to find him more than anything else in this world, but I need to know how not to hate him.”

Neku pauses, body tight and nervous as he struggles to find answers for someone he shouldn’t have to offer advice to. I’m older than him, I’m supposed to be wiser, and yet, I feel as naive as I was at his age. 

“It’s okay if you hate him.” Neku finally says, eyes firmly fixed on the ground, though whether he is trying to avoid my burning gaze or Joshua’s, I don’t know. “It’s okay to be hurt, you’re allowed to feel that. They’re your feelings, you’re entitled to them. But, he’s your partner. You’ve got to trust him, even if you don’t forgive him. And hey, maybe you should tell him that. Whatever. Just...if you want him in your life, more than you want to be angry, that’s a choice you have to make, every day until the anger starts to fade.” 

“I don’t know if I can do that.” I confess. The air between us suddenly feels very heavy. My eyes flick to Joshua, who looks so sick to his stomach, and Neku, who looks like he wants to completely disappear. Maybe Neku hasn’t forgiven his friend, but maybe it doesn’t matter. 

“Well, just punch him and scream at him, that might help things along. You know you like to do that.” Neku offers, looking up at me through his lashes. I snort.

“That I do.” I agree. I look to him, and my heart feels like it is glowing. I don’t know how to properly come up with words sweet enough to thank this kid without embarrassing the both of us. “I’m going to hug you now.” Is as eloquent a statement as I can come up with.

“Please don’t.” Neku smirks at me. I do anyway, wrapping my arms tightly around the kid. At first, it feels foreign, but I feel Neku relax, however slightly, and count that as a victory. “You’ll visit us in Shibuya when we get back there, right?” He asks. I pull away, offering him a half smile.

“I promised I would last time I saw you, didn’t I?” I ask. He snorts.

“I don’t remember, that was years ago.” He rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, well, I was busy dying, brat.” I snark. 

“Don’t you have to go help Sora or something?” He asks. I grin.

“Probably. I wasn’t really prepared for this whole dream dropping thing. I should probably go to the Accessory Shop and grab a few grenades, so I’m not utterly useless.” I say. “But I’ll meet you there.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Which almost sounds affectionate, coming from Neku.

But I don’t make it into the third district. Instead, I buy as many grenades as I can fit into the pockets of Kairi’s pink unicorn pajama pants, and a pair of black guards for my forearms, that will serve as an acceptable defense. When I leave the Accessory Shop, I am met by a very familiar, very scarred face.

“That’s a great look for you, kiddo.” Xigbar is grinning, cockily at me as he leans against a lamp post. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I ask, because up until now, the only contact I’ve had with him, has been at the edges of dreams, in the dark room. He shrugs, looking up at the night sky. 

“Just checking to make sure you’re still on the right track. I know how you just love to deviate.” He says, and I hate that I can’t even disagree with him on that.

“Uncooperative is kind of my thing.” I concede. “What do you want?” Xigbar’s eyes roam me, a smirk curling at the edges of his lips like burning paper. 

“You’re supposed to be protecting the kid. Seems like he’s doing a hell of a job protecting you though. I mean, what kind of guardian shows up to a fight without a weapon?” He asks. 

“I haven’t dropped into Sora’s dreams in a long time, I wasn’t exactly prepared.” I sneer.

“That’s your first mistake.” Xigbar cackles.

“I mean, hey, if you’re really concerned about my ability to defend myself, I can shove one of these grenades into your mouth and we can go from there.” I narrow my eyes, patting my pocket tauntingly. Xigbar snickers.

“There’s the Rueki we all know and love.” His eye sparks, deadly, like a cannon about to blow. “Tell you what, you wanna play with explosives, I need to make sure you’re up to snuff, I think we can find a way to satisfy both of us.” 

I ignore the inherent sexual implications in his tone as he summons his weapon. Suddenly, he teleports, out of my line of sight, I see a laser, aimed directly at me, and at a speed that I can barely comprehend, a stream of bullet rain down around me. As fast as my legs can take me, I dart out of the way, raising my arm up above my head. A stray bullet slams into my arm guard and ricochets back at him. I hear him cry out and a victorious smirk lights my features. 

The hit I unintentionally landed on him gives me enough of a pause to pull a grenade out of my pocket, find him standing on a balcony above some sort of cafe, and send the grenade sailing at him. As quick as I move, he teleports away, teeth gritted as he finds a new hideaway on the roof of the Accessory Shop. I wish, so deeply that I had La Luxure with me, because I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that close range combat is where his weakness lies. And where my strength resides. 

An idea lights in my mind. Can I...in my dreams…?

“Zero Gravity.” I whisper, and suddenly, I’m mid air, sailing toward Xigbar, whose visible eye is as wide as a saucer. He didn’t expect this, and high on the suddenly euphoric feeling of anti gravity, I cannot help but smile like an idiot. He recovers from his surprise a lot faster than my high fades, though. He shoots me, mid air, bullet tearing through my shoulder. A scream rips from my lungs, and as quickly as I found my way into the air, the effects of my gravity spell disappear. My stomach reels as I plummet toward the ground. My heart hammers, and in a move of sheer adrenaline, I throw my suddenly too heavy body toward the roof that Xigbar stands on. I catch the edge of it with my fingernails, swallowing the sickening feeling as they buckle under pressure. With all of my might, I push myself up, onto the roof, working as fast as I can. Not fast enough though, Xigbar teleports onto the Item Shop’s roof. My eyes narrow as I regard him. My shoulder is burning, gushing blood. My hand flies over it, trying to stop the free flow as much as I can possible manage.

“You think a little gravity spell is gonna screw with me? As if, you still don’t know how to handle the high.” He snickers. I purse my lips and roll my shoulder back. He’s right, I don’t know how to work with gravity, not completely. Not the way I know how to work with….

“Thundaza.” 

I have cast this spell in the safety of the lab in Radiant Garden, but in the confines of a cell, this spell felt underwhelming. Now, in a wide open space, the air literally crackles around me. The buildings rattle and vibrant blasts of lighting pound from the sky, hitting every surface in their wake with enough force to decimate. Even Xigbar, for all of his speed, cannot outrun the sheer force of Grand Magic. 

When the sky clears, I stand tall, still clutching my bleeding shoulder, but he is doubled over on all fours, looking up to me, struggling to catch his breath, with a scrunched up face.

We pant as our eyes meet. A smile creeps across his features.

“Well look at you, not utterly helpless after all.” And with that, I feel his power push me back, shoving me to the surface, far from Sora’s dreams.

I wake with a jump, wheezing. Kairi wakes too. She is curled into my shoulder and her eyes go wide as I nearly clock her on the head with my sharp movements.

My shoulder sears. I look and touch the back of my shoulder, thankful that the bullet seems to have gone all the way through me. But Kairi isn’t thankful, instead, she is horrified.

“Rueki, what the hell happened?” She chokes out, and in the light of the rising sun, creeping through the window of her living room, I see horror has consumed her features. 

“It’s a long story, I need a Potion, now.” I clamber up, but she’s quick, right at my heels, brow knit together. I realize, with a twist in my stomach, that this is surely not the first time one of her friends kept her in the dark. And much as my nature encourages me to protect her, I know how unfair it is to her. If I want to be the change this girl needs, if I want to offer her what she deserves and not what she is constantly given, I need to level with her. “Remember what I said about my heart being connected with Sora’s? Well it’s not just that I can read his thoughts, I can enter his mind, and apparently his dreams. And turns out, the injuries I acquire in my dreams follow me when I wake.” Which is a more dangerous predicament than I care to think about and certainly is more troubling now that my injuries consist of more than just a slash on my palm. Xigbar, for how much I loathe him, is right. I cannot go in unprepared, ever again. I look down at my arms and realize the arm guards I bought in my dreams have followed me into my waking life, which is at least nice. 

“What happened? Are you okay, is Sora?” She chokes, voice crackling as I disappear into the bathroom, where my items belt still is. I open up the pocket, guzzle a Potion and watch my injury disappear. 

“Yeah, no he’s good.” Probably. I sincerely doubt Sora was inhibited by a Dream Eater in Traverse Town, though something strange happens when I go searching for his heart. The empathy link is cloudy, overwhelmingly so. I expected a bit of haze, as he is still asleep and I’m not, but now, as I wake, I can barely feel him. He is a tiny blip on my radar. This doesn’t feel right, in fact, it feels terribly endgame. My breath hitches, but I try to keep my face neutral as I look to Kairi, who still looks beyond horrified. 

This place would be great to wait in, and I would be so content to spend my days relaxing with Kairi but…

If something is about to hit the fan, I need to find Lea, immediately. 

“Look, Kairi, I know we literally just met, and you have every right not to trust me, so like, do what you’ve got to do. But, I can’t wait around anymore. I’ve got to go find my boyfriend. This sounds completely fucking nuts, but I feel like we're going to need to prepare ourselves for something big, and there’s no one that I trust to have in my court, like I trust him.” Though I have not forgiven his wrongdoings, not by a long shot. But I find Neku is undoubtedly right. Lea is my partner. Whatever I’m about to get into, I need him by my side, no matter what I feel. 

Her expression falls, the light behind her eyes shatters, she touches her heart, and I fear it is breaking...does she think…?

“I understand. Be safe.” She whispers, voice barely audible. Oh, this poor girl. She doesn’t get it.

“You don’t want to come with me?” I ask. Suddenly, her light is restored, she’s so delightfully transparent. 

“You want me by your side?” She asks. 

“Can you fight?” I ask. She bites back a smile.

“I can hold my own.” And that’s all the answer I need.

“Then what are we waiting for?”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, like in typical Sam fashion, this chapter is over 10k words...
> 
> Also, you know how Lea/Axel is like "Call me Lea!" and then in KH3 is like "jk call me Axel" and everyone calls him Axel except Saix/Isa? Should Rueki call him Lea, since she's known him since the beginning, much like Isa, or should she call him Axel like everyone else?

IX.

For weeks, Kairi and I search. 

We search across every world that comes in our path. ‘Have you seen this skinny redhead?’ I feel as though I should be posting ‘missing’ posters across every space I can find. And though she knows nothing of the man I am searching for, Kairi is undyingly loyal, summoning her Keyblade and slashing across Heartless any time they darken our journeys. 

We’re in the streets of a desert world, me sweltering, Kairi glistening. I do not understand how she constantly manages to remain perfect. It must be hard to be so very gorgeous.

“You’re telling me you woke up without memories too?” I ask. Because as it turns out, Kairi and I grew up in the same world. I wonder if perhaps her strange journey to the Destiny Islands could be the key as to why I keep ending up in Transmute City, but unintentionally, she is unhelpful.

“Yeah, I mean I started remembering some things, but for the most part, it’s just tiny details. What it felt like to stub my toe on the brick pavement, how the roses smelled in the garden by the castle, the taste of my grandma’s cakes. A story she used to tell.” Kairi huffs as she parries a particularly nasty Heartless, a strange bandit type creature, weilding a sword.

“What kind of story?” I ask, my eyes widening slightly. Was her grandma some sort of sorceress, perhaps? One who cast a spell, protecting the parentless girls of Radiant Garden?

“Just about ancient times and the Keyblade War. How it started because everyone loved the light so much, it made them greedy. They all wanted it to themselves.” She says, biting her lips in concentration. I tear through a herd of Shadows, watching them evaporate in a single blow from La Luxure. I may be adept in crowd control, but the way Kairi fights the trickier creatures is mesmerizing to watch. She twirls away from her enemy like a ballerina, she moves delicately, elegantly, and evades blows like an expert. When I --constantly--manage to get hit, she blesses me with a halfway decent curing spell, which is more than I can say for myself. For all of the time that I have my nose tucked into the spell book--which is pretty much any time we are not sleeping or searching--defensive magic consistently evades me. Offensive though, I can handle.

“Sure, makes sense.” I nod, pointing La Luxure in the direction of a Fat Bandit. “Freeze!” A passable blizzard spell bursts from the tips of my Knuckles, and while it does not do huge damage, to the massive creature, it does enough where Kairi can one shot it and finish the job.

“I dunno.” Kairi shrugs, taking a breath as I wheel around, spinning in a circle, tearing through the closing ranks of several more Shadows. 

“What’s not to get?” I ask her, because although she cannot say the same, I have spent long enough in the dark. I know what the lasting effects to darkness can do to a heart, and I know what sort of relief her light has already brought me in the few weeks we’ve known each other. When I look at her, I see that her brow is knitted together, her eyes evade mine. A Shadow scrambles for her and she yelps, smashing her Keyblade down onto it like a hammer.

“Dammit, can’t these things give us a break?” Kairi groans.

“We’ve just gotta clear a path back to the ship, if he were here, we’d have found him by now.” I grunt, holding up La Luxure. “Freeze.” A Bandit buckles enough under my spell that I have a chance to slash into it, and send it straight back into the darkness.

“Rueki, you were a Nobody, right? So you could manipulate the darkness?” Kairi asks, swinging her blade around.

“Yeah.” I nod.

“How did that feel?” She asks. I remember instantly and my whole body tingles. 

“Amazing.” I breathe, pleasure tickling through my limbs. I flush as Kairi’s eyes dart to me, and instantly clear my throat. “Powerful, unstoppable, intelligent.” And after so long with only the high of anti gravity offering me pleasure, the very thought of darkness is enough to tighten the hot coil that my insides have become. Not only do I hate the side effects Lea’s absence has on my mental state, but on my physical needs as well. It’s a damn shame Xigbar is the only person who has propositioned me, because he is just the worst and I am far too in love with Lea to actively seek out a placeholder. Stupid, sexy redhead. He should’ve just stayed the fuck put in Radiant Garden. 

“Light is the opposite.” She confesses, slamming her Keyblade into a Scarlet Tango. I raise an eyebrow. “Like don’t get me wrong, I’ve never really utilized it to do anything crazy, I’m sure you can, but, I also know how...just fucking shitty it can be.” My head turns to her as I slash at yet another Bandit, like seriously, where the fuck are these things coming from?

“What do you mean?”

“When you lost your boyfriend, and you started to remember losing your heart, it hurt, right?” She asks, which seems such an odd question, I thought I was very obviously a complete mess of a human being.

“Of course. More than anything.” I reply. “Ugh, fuck these things.” I grab a grenade from my pocket, make a move for Kairi to get back and toss the explosive directly into the heard. It disintegrates and finally, finally, disappears. 

“Light is different. And my heart especially, because it is made of pure light. I don’t have an ounce of darkness...so when something…” She struggles, licking her chapped lips as the dust from my detonation settles. “When something hurts, my heart shuts it out, shines a light so bright, I don’t get to hurt. I know what it’s like. I understand it, the light leaves these phantom pains behind, but before I get the chance to fucking feel something real, it just…” Her hands ball into fists, so tight, her bones are nearly visible beneath her skin. 

I haven’t know her long, she owes me nothing, and even if she can’t hate, I know she’ll find a way to make an exception for me when she finds out who the man we’re searching for is. I think she’s a complete fool for wanting to feel pain. I’d be content to feel nothing at all. I think of the days I worried I was too cold, and I know how desperately I crave their return. But my feelings aside, I see this beautiful, bold, amazing girl, deep in her frustration, and I cannot help myself. I wrap my arms around her and pull her tightly into a hug.

 

We’re both soaked with sweat, but she still hugs me back.

She’s taller than me. Only by an inch or two. This isn’t fair.

“Let’s get back to the ship, kiddo.”

\--

We searching, and in the throes of our search, a loud jingle interrupts our conversation. Kairi’s eyes light up, I raise an eyebrow. The jingle persists. 

“What is that?” I ask.

“I don’t know, it’s your ship.” Kairi says. “Are you low on fuel?”

“Dude, I wouldn’t let my ship get low on fuel.” I purse my lips, trying to brush aside the fact that I feel insulted. It’s totally unfair to Kairi, how much of a pain in the ass I am. But she handles it with perfect grace, sticking her tongue out at me. 

The jingle grows louder.

“Rueki, seriously!” Kairi whines, and she takes it upon herself to open up my glove compartment, face scrunched in concentration. 

“Ignore it, and it will go away.” I offer. She snorts.

“Is that your way of fixing most things in your life?” She teases.

“No, it’s my way of fixing everything in my life.” I deadpan. She chokes, looking at me as though she is waiting for the punchline. When she realizes there isn’t one, she sighs and thrusts some sort of fancy looking phone at me.

“You ever heard of self care?” She sighs.

“Dude, we did pedicures the other day.” I wave a hand at her.

“You are an absolute dumpster fire.” She says.

“Says more about you that you like hot messes, than it does about me.” I turn the phone upside down in my hand. “I can’t figure this thing out.”

“Oh, give it back.” Kairi huffs and quickly presses a black button on the bottom middle of the screen. In my peripheral vision, I see Ienzo’s face pop up on the screen. He raises his eyebrows.

“Oh, are you a friend of Rueki’s?” He asks.

“I’m her girlfriend.” Kairi says, perfectly straight faced, then turns to me. “Hey, this isn’t your boyfriend, is it?”

“Fuck, you think if I could just call him up, we’d be searching all over the realm of light?” I scoff. Kairi shrugs. “Hey Ienzo.” I call, loud enough that I hope he’ll hear.

“Rueki, you’ve been doing an abysmal job at answering your phone.” Ienzo chastises, and I swear, these fucking teenagers, trying to scold me, are going to be the death of me. Or at the very least, the cause of a very unpleasant meltdown. 

“Okay, so first of all, fuck you, I’ve been busy.” I say, to which I hear Aeleus mutter something about my foul language in the background. Ienzo chokes on a laugh. “And second of all, this isn’t my phone. I have no idea how it got in the ship, but--”

“Oh, Rueki, all state of the art Gummi Ships are equipped with Gummi Phones nowadays.” Ienzo says, as though the mere thought of a standalone ship is archaic. I roll my eyes, exhaling slowly.

“Anyhow, Ienzo, this is Kairi, Sora’s girlfriend.” I say.

“He’s not my--” Kairi begins, but I cut her off, because he so is her boyfriend. Her shitty boyfriend who leaves her behind on an Island, but her boyfriend nonetheless.

“Kairi, this is Ienzo, former member of Organization XIII, now devoting his life to the pursuit of knowledge and helping out the good guys.” I say. Ienzo’s eye goes wide. Kairi chews her lip.

“Organization XIII…” Kairi mulls over the thought, mouth a firm line. My heart shatters, watching her expression harden, as though the mere act of being a part of such a group is unforgivable. She’s going to hate me when she finds out about Lea. She’s going to hate me and there’s going to be no salvaging this friendship and that hurts on a level that I am unprepared for.

“Ex Organization XIII. I was merely a child when I lost my heart, all I wanted was to research a way to get it back. Not all of us were cruel without purpose.” Ienzo insists. Kairi shrugs, but her expression softens slightly. Whether it is because her heart is urging her to forgive against her will, or because she genuinely can let this slide because Ienzo never personally wronged her, I do not know. 

“What are you calling for, Ienzo? Is he back?” He. I’m sure Ienzo doesn’t require further explanation of who I mean, but I do pray that he doesn’t use my boyfriend’s Nobody name. Kairi will find out eventually, I know she will and I know, if I want there to be any chance of earning her wilful forgiveness, I need to be the one to tell her. And yet, I just cannot bring myself to. Not yet.

“I’m afraid Lea is still gone. As is Isa. However, um, you have someone else who requests your return.” Ienzo replies, sheepishly.

“Lea, that’s your boyfriend?” Kairi asks, eyes curious and naive. Because she doesn’t know the awful truth.

“Yeah.” I nod as Ienzo passes the phone over to--

“Didn’t I tell you not to stay gone long, kid?” Cid snaps, dangerously close to the phone. Kairi nearly jumps and juts the phone over to me.

“Listen, old man, I’ve been busy.” I snap, one hand on the wheel, the other holding this fancy new phone.

“Gonna give me a fucking heart attack, that’s what you’re doing.” He shakes his head, as though I am the absolut bane of his existence. “Did I hear you right? You got company? Who’s your co-pilot?” 

“Say hi to my godfather, Kairi.” I flash the phone to her. She smiles.

“Cid and I met in Traverse Town a few years ago.” She nods.

“Ahh, right, when Sora needed that special Gummi Block. You tell that kid not to be a stranger too.” Cid nods.

“Sure, sure. Now why are you bothering Ienzo to harrass me?” I ask, turning the phone back in my direction. I’m glad I do, I sincerely doubt Cid is yearning for Kairi to watch a broken, vulnerable expression cross his features for the briefest of moments. Oh, hell.

“Yuffie keeps whining that she wants to see you, that’s all.” Cid mutters, rubbing the back of his neck, uncomfortably.

“Cid…” I don’t know how to let him down easy. I’ve searched every world I’ve ever been to and then some. I have found no trace of Lea, but if he still hasn’t returned home, then I have no business doing so either. 

But Kairi, for how cute she is, is always ballsier than I expect her to be.

“Home. You’re from Radiant Garden too, right?” She asks, looking at me with her tempting eyes. She already knows the answer to this...

“Yes…” I begin, cautiously.

“Cid, we’re on our way to see you.” Kairi beams, wearing a smile that could stun. I choke a little. A lot.

“I like your new friend, already, Rueki.” Cid chuckles. I hate them both.

“Kai…” I start, looking to the other girl, who just beams at Cid on the phone.

“See you soon!” She waves and then promptly hangs up. 

“Dude, I spent almost a month in Radiant Garden, I’m not gonna make any progress if I go back there.” I insist.

“And you’re not making progress now. So be good to your godfather. You know, you give Sora shit for leaving me behind, but you’re doing the same thing to Cid.” And Del and Amaya, but Kairi doesn’t need to know that. She looks huffy as all hell. 

“I’m gonna come home when I find Lea, I already promised him I would. And it’s not like I’m neglecting him, I told you, I wasted so much time doing nothing there, other than working on my magic. I made no progress and I--”

“Do you hate him or something?” She asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Why would you even--”

“Because you are doing everything in your power to not stop and see your loved ones. Life isn’t meant to be lived alone, and even if it were, it isn’t worth it. I know you want to find your boyfriend, and I know we’ve only known each other a few weeks, but I know you well enough to know your heart doesn’t work so singularly. You’ve given me so much, and I appreciate it, I’m not trying to be ungrateful. But Rueki, we haven’t found Lea yet. And we’ve searched through so many worlds. Would it really hurt for both of us to return home and just...be happy for a few days?”

I think of the flowmotion with Sora, of playing with anti gravity. Of spilling my feelings to Amaya for the sheer pleasure of not carrying a burden on my own. I think of the time I’ve spent giggling with Kairi over stupid, girly nothings, and how they surely do not feel like stupid nothings.

Quite the contrary, these moments, these beautiful moments are everything. A sanctuary, where fears and lies melt away. I’ve never had anything so pure in my entire life. 

I can’t find Lea, I haven’t found Lea. No matter what I’ve tried, I haven’t gotten any closer. My frayed nerves have not healed in the slightest, I feel completely ragged, and I do want to feel good, I want to feel happy. Above all, I want to feel the way I felt during those golden days I spent with Roxas and Axel on the clock tower. I can continue choosing to flog a dead horse, of course I can. I can continue wearing myself to the bone, it comes so very easily to me. But so does pain, so do panic attacks, so does isolation.

If I want anything to change, if I want this new lease on life to be a happier one…

Shouldn’t I make an effort to actually be happier?

“Okay. Okay. Let’s go. But Cid is a shit cook.”

\--

And Cid is a shit cook, but lucky for Kairi and I, when we arrive in Radiant Garden, Aerith is cooking and humming a familiar tune.

“You’re here!” Aerith chirps. Leon raises an eyebrow from where he sits, reading a book at the kitchen table. His eyes are still hard as he sees me, but soften as he regards Kairi.

“I didn’t expect to see you again.” He says. “Especially without Sora.”

“Sora’s always off on some sort of adventure. It was time for me to set off on my own.” Kairi shrugs. I don’t know how well she knows these people, but I’m certainly not complaining at the easing of tension that her presence brings.

“Hope you brought an appetite, ladies.” Cid’s voice sounds off from behind us and Kairi and I turn in perfect unison, her arms linked behind her back, my hands on my hips.

“Only because Aerith is cooking.” I reply.

“Hi, Cid.” Kairi smiles. He looks between the two of us, debates a moment, then smiles.

“So Kairi dragged your ass back here?” Cid asks me. I narrow my eyes.

“I’m the fucking pilot.” I remind him.

“Yeah, but your stubborn ass has always needed someone that can bully some sense into you.” He says, with the wave of his hand. “Glad your new friend has some balls.”

“You both suck.” I mutter. “Leon, you’re up.”

“For what?” He grumbles from the table.

“I need a new best friend, Kairi’s a traitor.” I reply with a purposefully dramatic sigh.

“No thanks.” He mumbles. Dick. 

“What about me?” Yuffie huffs, walking to the table with her arms full of plates.

“You know what, you’re the only one who hasn’t let me down. You win, Yuf. You’re my new best friend.” I tell her.

“Hooray.” She laughs, though as she sets the table, she pauses to think. “Hey, Aerith, are we best friends or can I hire a new friend?” 

“You’re not taking applications.” Is Aerith’s response from the kitchen. Yuffie shrugs.

“Sorry, Rueki. That’s what you get for disappearing as kids.”

“Cool, I’ll try not to die again.” I roll my eyes. “You’re all a bunch of dicks. Why did I let you talk me into coming here, again?” I ask Kairi, who giggles.

“Um, because you don’t want to be a miserable gremlin who avoids her family?” Kairi offers.

“Are you sure? I’m pretty good at being a miserable gremlin.” I remind her. 

“Well, you’ll have to change your stripes, kid. You two staying here a while?” Cid asks, and before I can tell him no, Kairi interjects.

“At least a week. That’s how long it’ll take Rueki to figure out a better plan for finding her boyfriend.” Kairi says, and then, seems to remember her manners, though not on account of me. “That won’t be a problem, will it?” 

“Nah, the more the merrier. But you girls’ll need to share Rueki’s bed or one of you will have to take the couch.” Cid says, and it makes me equal parts pleased and uncomfortable that he has already dubbed his guest room as my room.

“Well we appreciate it. Thank you.” She replies with a smile so bright, it could put the sun to shame.

“I don’t appreciate you assholes bullying me.” I grumble, though without venom. Because this does feel nice. Idle, unhelpful to my cause, borderline useless. But this feels like a home. A few faces are missing, but does that mean I truly must put aside my own happiness until those I love are assembled completely? Is that fair at all...to me?

“If you’re all done bickering, dinner is ready.” Aerith calls from the kitchen, and that is that. The night is peaceful, we laugh, we all stay up too late talking, and when the time comes for Kairi and I to crawl into bed, I sleep like a baby.

But I sleep with my normal clothes on and my weapon at the ready. Even in this moment of peace, I wait for a fight, one that doesn’t come. 

\--

“Again!” Kairi insists, lunging at me, Keyblade at the ready. I’m faster than her, and quickly slide out of her way, cartwheeling along the wall of the room in the lab she and I have been using to train in. She’s stunning as she moves, intoxicating to watch, but has a great tendency to not hit nearly hard enough. Her Keyblade smacks me in the middle, I barely grunt and have enough energy to kick her feet out from under her. She hits the ground, whining, but never gives up. Instead, she rolls out of the way.

“Sword up.” I order. She follows suit, preparing to block. “Fira!” I cry, and though she blocks my attack, the strength of my spell is impressive. I’m getting better. Little by little. 

Within seconds, Kairi is back up, charging at me, swinging her Keyblade back, with both hands. I bring my forearm up, bracing myself for the attack with the guards on my arms. She grunts, throwing her entire body into this attack, and I know she’s giving this her all, but I see the failure in her footing. I see weakness in her stance, which she was so willing to sacrifice for a more brutal attack. I kick her feet out from under her, once more. She hits the ground, but the smarmy little fucker grabs my ankle and spins, knocking me down beside her.

She’s prepared, I’m not. She scrambles to her feet, draws her Keyblade over her head and slams it down onto me. Quickly, I create an ‘x’ with my arms, which absorbs the brunt of her attack. I grunt.

“That was a good one, kid.” I offer her. She grins, cheekily at me, sets her sword aside and offers me a hand.

“Wanna test out your blizzard spell again? See if it’s gotten better?” She offers, and I do. But we’ve been at this for hours, I’m tired as hell, and though the smile has never left her face, I can tell she shares my struggle.

“Can we get ice cream first?”

\--

Kairi sits, hair twirling, auburn silk on the wind as she eats ice cream. 

“Is Sora...okay?” The words leave her mouth tentatively, the weight on them seems to be almost too much for her to carry. I’m not thinking about how it is too soon in our friendship for me to reach out and grab her hand. I just do. There’s something so perfect about this girl, even after seeing her fight knowing full well she can hold her own, I feel such a deep protective instinct when it comes to her. She smiles softly at me and squeezes my hand back. I let go of a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. 

“Fuck, kid, don’t smile at me like that.” I shake my head. She puts on a really stupid face, I release her hand to shove her, playfully. “What if I have bad news? You look up at me like some big, cute doll and I have to--”

“Oh just tell me!” She laughs. I laugh too, fumbling for an empathy link that I cannot seem to grasp. Abruptly, my laughter stops, my expression hardens. What the fuck? Her laughter starts to falter as she sees my expression shift. I draw a knee to my chest and narrow my eyes, focusing. I’ve had a harder time connecting to Sora awake than asleep since the day I came back to life. It did seem like I dove deeper to get to him the last time I infiltrated his dreams. Perhaps this is a good sign? Perhaps this means Sora is approaching the end of his Mark of Mastery exam. Maybe Xigbar was right, and I do need to butt out and just let him succeed on his own.

Ew.

Xigbar is not right, definitely not. Instead of giving up, I push harder, trying and failing once again to find my link to Sora. 

“What’s wrong?” She asks, voice intense. 

“Nothing. I’ve just had a hard time sensing Sora when I’m awake, since the start of his exam. He and Riku are traveling through sleeping worlds, which, I’m pretty sure, is why I can interact with him in his dreams. I’m sure I’ll be able to find him perfectly when I go to sleep.” I insist, because I believe it. Anything else is unnecessary worry, panic that I don’t have time for, panic that I need to cast aside. I have Kairi with me, shining her brilliant light over the shadows in my heart. She is my friend, perhaps one of my closest friends, already, she makes me better than I am, better than what my constant panic wants me to be. I am a mess when I am desperate, at the edge of an anxiety attack. I don’t ever want to be that person again, crumbling like ruins.

“Oh.” She draws a breath, mouth twisting.

“He’s fine, Kai. I promise. I’m sure I’ll see him again in my dreams tonight, and I’ll yell at him some more about how he needs to hurry up or I’m gonna steal you from him.” I say. She offers me a weak smile, one that I worry her heart is forcing on her. I wonder, is she truly happy, does she truly trust me, or is her perfect little heart pushing our friendship onto her? I find that I particularly hate this sort of anxiety and brush it away quickly. Right now is my turn to cast away her doubt, not the other way around. 

She seems to let my word hang in her mind for a moment. She rolls her lower lip, back and forth between her teeth, anxiously. Finally, she meets my gaze and nods. 

“Okay, I trust you.” And for a second, I don’t think twice, I‘m happy my friend trusts my words, I’m glad she can find comfort in them. But reality is so harsh, and so cold as it tears me away from these pleasantries. Kairi trusts me, but she shouldn’t. Truly, she shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it, for everything I have been apart of. For the things I’ve done that she is unaware of. For Axel. I inhale sharply, looking at her once more. 

“Listen, Kairi. There’s something you should know about my boyfriend.” Something she deserves to know, something that I, as her friend, should’ve already told her. 

“What about him?” She asks, hair spilling across her freckled shoulders as she tilts her head to look at me. 

“It’s just…” He used to go by Axel, he kidnapped you one time, but don’t be mad at him, that was my idea, we were just trying to get our best friend back. Sorry! “At one point, he and I were not very good people. We did a lot of really fucked up things, for the sake of staying alive. I told you that Organization XIII used me, but they used him too. They had us both so trapped, and in order to survive, other people and their feelings had to be cast aside. It...none of it was good, Kairi. I wasn’t good, and neither was he. But I’m trying, and I know he is, so very hard, to make up for everything. I don’t know if we can tilt the scales but--” She cuts me off by grabbing my wrist in her free hand, her face so very gentle.

“Your dying act, was trying to take out Organization XIII to help Sora. He adores you Rueki, and so do I. At this point, you’re kind of my best friend. You can’t change the past, none of us can. All any of us can do is try to make the future something a little brighter.” She rubs a thumb across one of the many scars that litter my arms. “I kind of figured you didn’t have an easy go at things, you’re too strong to have just let someone do this to you. Whatever you did, whatever you were, you’re better now. I trust you Rueki, really. I wouldn’t be here with you now if I didn’t. And as for your boyfriend? If he’s good enough for you to love, that’s enough for me. You deserve to be happy, it’s your right as a human being.” 

Her words are so kind and I do not deserve a single one of them. A best friend that I will not be assigned to kill, forgiveness for sins that she does not even know of. I don’t deserve this and I don’t deserve her. But perhaps I’m wise enough now not to take this moment for granted. I do not wait for the other shoe to drop, I don’t try to taint her light with any more of my darkness. Instead, I hug her tightly and promise to try keep both of our futures as bright as the sun.

I might not deserve a friend like her, but perhaps, with enough effort, I can become a person who does.

\--

I spend the night trying with all of my might to drop into Sora’s dreams. No matter how deep I dive, I am met only by failure. Not even Xigbar appears to taunt me.

I wake and look to where Kairi sleeps peacefully beside me. I’m not going to soil things for her, not yet. Perhaps there is a reason I can’t feel Sora. Perhaps this is a vital part of his exam that I have been shut out from, so that he can succeed on his own. 

There’s no reason to alarm her. 

At least not yet.

\--

I’m in the middle of pouring over my spell book--my fire spells have gotten a lot better, thank goodness--when Kairi suddenly shrieks. My eyes go wide, I throw the book to the floor and stand up, searching for her. I find her instantly, sitting at another table in the massive castle library, playing with my phone. 

Instead of horror warping her features, something close to elation graces them.

“Yes?” I raise an eyebrow. She beams up at me.

“Rueki, your phone has a camera!” It is something so simple, so pure, the kind of joy that could be brought only to a teenage girl. But even I can’t help but grin.

Our once studious afternoon turns into hours worth of taking photos of the two of us--the camera can face front or backward, what the hell?

It is easy to forget, laughing and smiling like this, that I haven’t set foot in Sora’s dreams in nearly a month. That I still, for the life of me, cannot feel him.

\--

Kairi and I settle into bed after a long day worth of training. My eyes shut, something grabs my heart by its strings and yanks. The pull is brutal, crashing downhill on a rollercoaster. I fall for lifetimes and seconds and when I land, the gut wrenching sensation that something is very wrong creeps into my veins.

Something is of, of course it is. Because I am standing in The World That Never Was. Rain does not pour from the sky, instead it is eerily calm. Lea can’t call to me, I’m sure, otherwise the two of us would’ve found each other by this point. No, Sora is the only one who could’ve led me here, and I dread to think what could have possibly brought him here. Strangely, I feel him the second I think his name. He’s here, somewhere in this world, without a shadow of a doubt. But why here? This doesn’t seem right…

“Wait...isn’t this…” I hear the boy’s voice and take off into a sprint, trying to sift through his mind. But even this deep in his dreams, something is blocking our empathy link. I struggle to fight through the fog, to find the truth. What the hell is happening here?

“Sora!” I cry his name as he comes into view and he whips around, eyes huge.

“Rueki, what are you doing here?” He asks, terror creeping into his voice. And not because of my arrival. I know, the second our eyes meet, neither of us are supposed to be here.

“Sora, something is wrong, can you wake up?” Because Mark of Mastery Exam or not, nothing is worth the danger I’m sure he’ll be in if we keep on this path. I close the distance between the two of us and grip his arm, just to prove to myself that he is really here. 

“I am awake though? Aren’t I? I sealed the Seven Keyholes.” He tells me, like this is supposed to mean something to me. And it should, because our hearts are tied, but hell if there isn’t a knot snagging our connection. Panic grips me as my hold on Sora tightens. 

“Kid, I can’t feel your heart. Awake or asleep, and when I dove in to find you, I fell longer than I ever have. I don’t know what’s happening, but Xigbar warned me, if you spend too much time in the realm of sleep, you brush the edges of--”

“Hey now, sweetheart. Can’t have you spoiling the epilogue when we haven’t even gotten to the final chapter yet.” My body tenses, every single hair on me stands up straight, as though I am caught in an electric current 

“Who’s there? Show yourself!” Sora cries out, but I already know who is there and position myself immediately between Sora and the red light of a laser, as Xigbar puts us in the crosshairs of his arrowgun.

“And spoil all the fun? As if. We jumped through a lot of hoops to get you here, kiddo.” Xigbar cackles, from somewhere unseen. “But it looks as if it’s gonna pay off.”

I don’t know why, it’s utterly idiotic of me to think this way, because he's already shot me once. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he tried to discourage me from over exerting myself in the realm of sleep, but I’m genuinely shocked when some sort of bullet made of pure energy comes sailing toward Sora and I.

“Reflect!” I cry out, but instead of being able to properly conjure a defensive spell, I watch as the bullet comes closer and closer, finally throwing up my arms, creating an ‘X’ in front of me. The guards I wear intercept the brunt of the attack, but I still collide with Sora, my back hitting his chest. The sheer force sends the two of us skidding across the pavement, and finally, I tumble away from him, hitting the ground rather than crashing into him. 

Hoisting myself up onto one knee, I watch as Xigbar teleports onto the ground, in front of us, arrowguns at the ready. But not pointed at me. I react like a lioness, desperate to protect her young and leap throwing myself into his line of fire--in front of Sora. I don’t know if this is some sort of additional test, to see if my strength is up to par, but if it is, this test, I will pass. With rapid fire movements, I maneuver my arms in time with each bullet, watching each one ricochet off of me, and to the ground. When the smoke clears to reveal Xigbar’s smirking face, a familiar and dangerous glint lights his eye.

“What the fuck do you want?” I growl, low and menacing at the same time Sora shouts out “You’re a part of this?” And it dawns on me, Xigbar’s taunts must have been focused on me, if Sora had no idea about his involvement. My stomach curdles. I should’ve said something, anything to make up for all of the danger that I constantly put this kid in, whether intentional or not. In this life I want to atone, in this life, I long to protect him.

“Hey. Let's hit these plot points in order, Rueki, Sora... Roxas. First, you must be wondering about your revised itinerary. ‘Why am I here, not back home?’ The answer's simple. We brought you to this place! Hijacked your little slumber party before it started. And ever since, we've been both your companions and your constant guides.” Xigbar grins, so self assured, so utterly proud, it is all I can do to stay beside Sora and to not lunge out and wipe the smile off of the Freeshooter’s face. 

“Before it started?” Sora’s brow comes together as I turn to him. Suddenly he gasps. “The man in the robe! So, that guy in the black coat...and Xemnas…” Once more, I reach for our empathy link, trying for any trace of Sora, but the connection is weaker than ever. His very lifeline is weaker than ever.

“Bingo. You were able to go back in time to just before your home became a Sleeping World, only because a past version of you already existed there.” Xigbar explains, taking a step closer to us. I feel Sora falter behind me and I square my shoulders in front of him, thunder spell on my lips. “And I can see in the past, you already met Mr. Robe Guy. He was there then to make sure you ended up here now.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Sora scoffs.

“It sure is. It's too perfect. Who'd ever believe it? Which is why you idiots never saw it coming. You thought you were off doing some kind of test, right? Well, test this--how come you're wearing the same clothes if you're already back home? You are not gonna wake up, okay? Look--there's no real versus dreams anymore. There's just you, us, and this.” Xigbar taunts, and then, to me “And you, little Rueki, are so damn good at walking right where we lead you. We lay the bait, and you take it every time, without fail. I mean all I had to do was tell you to keep Roxas safe, and here you are, leading him right to us. And you barely even babysat his dreams. Kudos to you, sweetheart.”

“You can get fucked if you think you’re going to lay a finger on him.” I seethe, shoulders tight with rage. “I don’t think you can even begin to understand how sick I am of you people thinking you can get away with whatever the hell you want. This ends now.”

“You think you two have got some grand role to play? As if. You’re only here as a vessel and a messenger.” Xigbar snorts. I gesture my arm behind me, to guide Sora back, to beg him to let me handle this, because by the second, I feel him slipping. He will not make this fight, and I have to do something, anything to wake him up. “If you wanna fight then...who wants to go first?”

“Shut up!” Sora snaps from behind me.

“Oh, so the kiddo thinks he’s a full fledged Keyblade Master. Still has that angry look down. Kinda reminds me of…”

“Go ahead, if you want to waste your time.” I snap, unhooking La Luxure from my belt, lacing my fingers through the Knuckles. “Keep bringing up irrelevant shit, play your mind games. It’ll never work. It’ll only make it that much worse for you when we prove we’re stronger than you.”

“Ha, never would’ve guessed you’d remind me of her.” Xigbar leers, offering zero explanation. His visible eye flicks to Sora. “Fine, little Rueki, you wanna fight? Let’s do it. But let’s make this an adults only occasion, huh?” He teleports straight in front of me and sets his index finger on Sora’s head. Before I can make a move to react, he whispers “pleasant dreams, kiddo.” 

Simultaneously Xigbar teleports away, before I can ram the spikes of my Knuckles into him and Sora hits the ground behind me.

For a moment, it doesn’t matter what he did to Sora, it doesn’t matter where we are, it doesn’t matter that I seem to keep missing Lea. All that matters is that I see Xigbar’s blood on the pavement. 

Sprinting forward, I quickly close the distance between myself and Xigbar, but not as quick as he moves. I have always considered speed my ally, but just as La Luxure is barely slashing distance from him, he teleports, upside down, just out of my reach. I blanch and scarcely recover in time to cartwheel away from a bullet. A barrage of them rain down on me, and I crouch, dipping low to the ground, blocking myself with my arm guards. Bullets ricochet as I move, lightning fast, keeping pace with him as best as I can. My heart hammers in my chest as I scan for him, but just when I think Xigbar has found a spot to remain stationary, he moves, and I am left searching once more. It is all I can do to wheel around and deflect his shots. Bullets seem to rain down for a lifetime, I cannot find a moment’s reprieve. And then, when all looks hopeless, something miraculous happens.

“Fuck.” He hisses. “Gotta reload.” His voice is dangerously low, clearly not meant for me to hear. My eyes flick up. He’s not close by, I don’t know how I’m going to reach him in time, but I don’t worry about that. If I don’t take a chance now, I will spend this entire fight, playing defense. 

I sprint forward, flying across the pavement at a deafening speed, the sound of wind roaring in my ears. Adrenaline fuels me, and when I see him finish reloading, before I am close enough to land a blow, I scream.

“Thundaza!” Instantly, I’m tired, weary, my limbs are sluggish. This spell does not normally wear me out quite so severely but nothing about this dream is normal. However, my exhaustion is not all for naught.

No matter where Xigbar tries to teleport, my thunder spell slams into him, again and again, popping through the air, lighting up the black sky until the world itself is blindingly white. I fish for a Potion and knock it back. My spell dissipates and as it does, Xigbar works fast, teleporting high above me to the roof of a skyscraper I surely cannot reach. 

His crosshair locks onto me, I am certain. 

Bullets come raining down, and again, I duck as low as I can manage, onto the ground, covering myself to the best of my ability. One evades my arm shields and grazes the side of my neck. The pain is minor, but the burning sensation is enough to cause me to cry out. From high above, I hear him cackle.

“You’re putting me to sleep, sweetheart!” He taunts. And I know, he thinks he can get me to do anything by egging me on. Maybe he can, maybe my temper is my weakness, maybe I am bound to do his and anyone’s bidding with the right button pushes. But that takes away nothing. Everything I am doing is my choice, utterly on me. So when I stand, a fire burning in my eyes, and decide that he is not going to keep me on the defensive, it is not because he is teasing me.

It’s because I’m fucking sick of hearing him talk.

“Zero Graviga.” I shoot into the air, at a speed that makes me reel. My stomach twists, I am going to be sick. And then, all at once, I am riding a wave of euphoria, almost too blissful to remember myself. Bullets come flying at me, and I struggle, pushing past the high, pushing past the rapture. With slightly slowed movements, I raise my arms, guards at the ready. A bullet slams into my left guard. Another into my right, and that is all of the force it takes to snap my mind back to reality. It is not easy to keep focus. It takes everything I am to maintain this anti gravity spell, but the payoff is beyond worth it when I take a step onto the rooftop he stands on.

“Well damn. You clever little sneak.” His lips curl into a sly grin as he regards me, his eye glinting wickedly. 

“Thundaza.” Again, and he writhes, as I rain lightning down at an unstoppable force. I hear him scream, a broken, trembling noise, and, through the storm, I sprint toward him, not stopping until I secure my arms around him. “Gravity.” And with that, the two of us crash to the ground, wind twisting through my ponytail and his. I feel him try, with every ounce of his energy, to shift beneath me, to break free, to find an angle in which he can shift, but I refuse to grant him anything. We slam into the ground so hard that pain shoots from my knees, to my back, up my spine and to the base of my skull. I cry out, so does he, but through the pain, I fight and slam La Luxure against him, tearing at his coat, across his flesh. He grunts, a strangled noise before throwing himself against my might, wrapping his legs around my waist and twisting us so that he hovers above me. His weight is not something I can fight back against, despite being rather lithe, he is so solid, and I am a feather in his grasp. He grips my wrists and slams my arms to the ground, so hard that La Luxure falls, limply from my hands. I buck my hips, but he plants himself so firmly against me, as though gravity itself is working in his favor, pulling him like a magnet to the ground. 

I kick violently, I twist my hips, my arms vibrate as I struggle to move them beneath his grasp.

My eyes dart, to where Sora lays on the ground, several yards away from me. My pulse pounds, I’m sure Xigbar can feel it through the leather of his gloves.

“You really thought you had this? Didn’t you, kiddo? As if.” Xigbar snickers, mouth hot at my ear as he leans in so that his body is parallel to mine. An idea comes to mind, something dangerous, utterly idiotic. If this doesn’t kill me, it will be nothing shy of a small miracle. But I feel Xigbar against me, I know Sora is still unconscious here with me, and I just have to do something.

I have to do anything.

I draw a shaky breath and press myself to Xigbar, as tight as my body will allow, breasts flush with his chest, legs like a vice around his waist. I push my forehead against his and then finally, tilt myself so that my lips smash into his with enough force that our teeth click. 

It is like this, so, so dangerously close that I don’t know where I end and Xigbar begins, that I murmur a final “thundaza” against his mouth and grind electrical current straight into him.

Immediately, the force is enough to launch Xigbar into the air, sending him flying backwards until his back smacks into a skyscraper. He is spasming as he hits the ground, I can see out of the corner of my eye, but so am I. I twitch and thrash, seizing violently. Yes, I knocked him off of me, yes, he must’ve sustained a sizable amount of damage. But I am not unscathed. After all, I had to electrocute myself to grind pure electric current into him. 

A metallic taste floods my mouth, my vision goes purely white, my head hammers with a pressure that I cannot contain. I scream. 

And when finally, the haze clears, the world seems to spin. With shaky legs, I push myself up. My stomach drops when I realize Xigbar is on his way to me, limping. Drawing a tremulous breath, I wince. I can cast another spell, I can knock him on his ass, I can finish this for me, for Sora. But I try to recite a spell, and the cry that spills from my lips is pathetic, post verbal.

“Reckless.” Xigbar wipes blood from the edge of his mouth. “You shocked yourself, didn’t you?” He mutters, mirth creeping into his tone. It doesn’t matter that I’m trying to bring him to the edge of fading, it doesn’t matter that the world must be spinning for both of us. It doesn’t matter that if I didn’t use ground current, I very well could’ve paralyzed him. Xigbar is, as always, just amused by the challenge. 

“Doesn’t matter, I still have enough in me to finish you off.” I make a move in his direction, but my knees buckle and I hit the ground, my body broken and exhausted. No, come on, I urge myself, clawing across the pavement, trying to get close to him. And yes, Xigbar is still moving, so very close to me, but I can tell he isn’t doing well. His shoulders seem to shudder with every step he takes, he’s got one arm wrapped around his middle, holding himself together, the other is out, probably in an attempt to balance.

“I keep forgetting--don’t mess with the over protective big sister type.” He cackles. I grunt as my legs, which feel like jelly, scrape across the pavement. Fuck, this isn’t working. La Luxure is laying a few feet away, I could probably reach them...or… “Well, he wanted me to buy time. And I’d say, he got it.” 

“What?” My eyes go wide. Something tightens around my heart, a vice like grip that yanks, desperate to tug my beating heart straight from my chest.

Images flash through my head. Sora in Traverse Town, running desperately after Donald and Goofy. Sora chasing Naminé through the streets of The World That Never Was, screaming her name. When he finally catches her, she morphs. A half remembered face floods my mind, a young girl with dark, choppy hair and eyes bluer than the sky. She cries, Sora cries, tears that I cannot control spill from my eyes as I draw a sharp breath. The girl tears away from Sora, pulls on her hood and sprints away. When finally Sora catches her, she morphs again, to Roxas. His eyes flick past Sora, to me. He smiles, eyes so very warm, I could catch fire. Sora turns back to me, but he’s not Sora, not anymore. He shifts, into the face I want to see most of all. A tall, lanky man with spiky red hair and emerald green eyes winks at me.

“Roxas! Lea!” I cry and tumble forward, gracelessly, heart hammering as I take their hands in mind. Lea offers me a grin and cocks his head to the side. And just as I have finally found him, just as I have taken ahold of the man I have given my entire heart to, he morphs. Blue eyes stare back at me. His spiky red hair becomes brown, his skin darkens. My heart shatters, I turn to Roxas for reassurance but...he’s not Roxas anymore. No. The change is subtle, barely noticeable but I recognize him as “Ven.”

“Aqua.” Ventus beams at me.

“Aqua.” The brunette man breathes my name like a prayer. I mean to correct the both of them, but when I look down at my own body, I realize, it is not mine anymore. Gone are the vivid, white scars. My painfully pear shaped figure is replaced by the body of my dreams, clad in drapey clothing. I catch the reflection of my hair in a skyscraper and realize it is no longer blonde, but blue. My breath hitches, but as quickly as my appearance changed, it shifts back. I feel Sora, at the edge of my heart and hear a voice scream.

“Sora! Don’t! You’ve gotta wake up, Sora!” 

Roxas.

The very thought of the boy’s name, sends me over the edge, doubling over back onto my side, clutching my chest as reality shifts violently back. I scream, back arching, eyes flicking to where Sora still lays, limp. Roxas needs me. Roxas has taken ahold of our empathy link and is screaming for me. 

It hurts to move, the world spins in front of me, but through it all, I force myself to my feet. Potion, I need a Potion, but my hands shake too hard for me to even reach into my pouch. I take a breath that feels as though I am drawing glass into my lungs.

“Sora!” I rasp out, eyes stinging as though the very air in this dream is turning poisonous. “Move! Wake up!” I plead. “Goddammit, Roxas!” He doesn’t even twitch. When I reach into my heart, searching for our empathy link once more, the path is closed. Sealed off. 

Completely dark.

“No.” I choke, knees buckling just in time for a pair of arms to catch me. I know who they belong to, but this time, I don’t try to fight him. “Bring him back, don’t do this.” I plead, voice rattling.

“Not my doing, little Rueki, but hey, I like your conviction. It’s a damn shame you’re so reckless, you really could’ve been something special.” Xigbar chuckles.

“Yes, a resilient vessel indeed.” The air in The World That Never Was shifts, suddenly, the cool air goes dangerously cold, a dramatic drop in temperature. Never would I have expected the man I just ground electricity into, to be the safest person near me.

But I never expected to hear Xemnas’ voice, again.

“No.” I choke, shoving myself away from Xigbar. I hit the ground immediately, the knees of my tights shredding along the pavement. My vision is back, but my body is limp, spent to its very core. If I don’t wake up soon, I’m going to die, I know, but I also know this dream is different than the others, deeper, and I am not strong enough to claw my way out of the depths. Not now. “Sora, please! Fucking wake up!” My voice sends a tremor through the air, Sora twitches, eyes fluttering open. My body grows weaker. He had to use my energy to pull himself into any sort of conscious state in this impossibly deep dream.

“Oopsy Daisy!” Xigbar laughs. “I tell you what, it’s not easy pulling one person into a second sleep, but hey, thank goodness for Rueki here, huh kid? Your friends really are your power.” 

Sora’s eyes dart to me where I lay, empty. Hollow.

Death is easy. 

So, so easy. Like falling asleep, but twice as fast, and incredibly painless.

My mind starts to bleed, my thoughts seeping into one another. 

“Rueki!” Sora cries, but he can barely bring himself to his feet. He crawls along the pavement until he reaches my side, grabbing my head in his hands. “Come on, take a Potion, don’t do this!” He begs. I want to tell him that I cannot move, but words fail me. My lips feel too heavy, as though every particle of my being is trying to move through sand. I feel hands on my head, something against my lips.

I can barely swallow, and I choke on half the Potion, but it gives me enough energy to lurch upward, pounding my chest as I struggle for air. I grab another Potion out of my pouch and down it, hoping another will clear my airways.

My throat feels as though I have drug sandpaper across it, but I’m alive. I can see. I can move, and I remember a reason to stay. I reach to Sora, grabbing his hand in mine, eyes hard as I look to Xigbar.

“What the hell did you put in our heads? The girl with the blue hair and her friends? And who was that other girl? The one in the black coat?” I ask. His visible eye widens and a smirk spreads across his features.

“Oh man, you think either of us are equipped to put anything in your head? As if. Whatever you conjured up was on your own accord. Or maybe his.” He looks to Sora, head cocked in amusement. “Why don’t you ask his heart. See if its got a clue.”

I turn to Sora, wild eyed, breath baited.

“Well, my heart was aching, that’s why I kept going.” He answers, as though it is just that simple. And I cannot tell if there is more, because try as I may, I cannot find a trace of his heart in mine, even now.

“Oh...well, thank you Sora’s heart for pushing him right into our clutches.” Xigbar cackles, and then, directly to me “aren’t hearts great? Steer us wrong every time.” 

But I don’t get a moment to try to decipher that.

“You know, right, because you all have hearts! Axel, Rueki, Roxas, Naminé, and that other girl. I felt what Roxas felt and...they laughed together, got mad, and they grieved. You have to have a heart to cry!” Sora insists.

I wait for someone to tell him he is wrong. I wait for someone to tell him he is naive. Instead, something truly wicked warps Xigbar’s features.

My fucking soul shatters, scattering to pieces.

“It’s about time you noticed” Xigbar laughs.

“Indeed.” Xemnas finally offers, his voice booming across the air like thunder. “A heart is never lost for good. There may have been variances in our dispositions, but a number of us unquestionably showed signs of a burgeoning replacement. Once born, the heart can also be nurtured. Our experiments creating Heartless were attempts to control the mind, and convince it to renounce its sense of self. But understand, one can banish the heart from the body, but the body will try to replace it the first chance it gets, for as many times as it takes. And so I knew, even after we were divided into Heartless and Nobodies, it was just a temporary separation.” 

Something in me is broken. Something that even another rebirth cannot recover. Something gives me the strength to come to my feet, and charge. I sprint forward, scooping La Luxure off the ground, draing my Knuckles back and ramming them, straight in the direction of Xemnas’ throat. Xigbar intercepts me and knocks me to the ground, though not before I pierce one of the spikes of my Knuckles straight through him--barely below his collarbone.

“You lied!” I scream, my voice crackling. In my veins, I feel an electric current buzzing, upon my skin, a fire blazes. In my eyes, a blizzard threatens to engulf this very world in an ice age. I feel the magic that Ienzo swears resonates deep inside of my heart, come to a head. I watch Xigbar’s eye widen, excitement sparking. “I knew it! You fucking piece of shit, you didn’t value any of us! You lied, you gaslighted, you toyed with the emotions you knew we had! Did you feel our hearts breaking and get off on it, you sick fuck?”

“Oh, what does it matter, little Rueki? What did it change? You thought you had a heart right up until the end. You acted like you did, Twilight knows your little boyfriend did too. So what does it matter in the first place?” Xigbar scoffs. 

“It mattered to all of us! That was all Roxas wanted, was to understand his heart! And Axel--” Was so empty, was so easily manipulated, was so twisted when I met him that he truly had lost sight of right and wrong. “You took away his humanity, stripped him of everything that made his heart strong, just so you had another fucking pawn on the chessboard!” 

“Why would you do that?” Sora asks Xemnas, voice high and strained. “Why would you lie to them?”

“Xemnas and Xehanort formed the Organization for a specific reason--round up a bunch of empty husks, hook them up to Kingdom Hearts, then fill them all with the exact same heart and mind. Translation--they were gonna turn all the members into Xehanort.” Xigbar explains, eye still on me. 

“The throne room.” I breathe, realization hitting me with the force of a landslide. “My role. You wanted me to be his vessel, I heard you two and Saix talking, he didn’t think I could…”

“Congratulations, sweetheart, you’re more than just a pretty face. It’s been fun playing, for a second I didn’t think you were going to figure it out.” Xigbar throws his head back, laughter shaking his shoulders. I leap up once again, La Luxure drawn back, and take him to the ground. I crank my fist forward, but before I can land a blow to his smarmy, scarred face, I feel gravity shift. I’m on my back, floating, midair, and there is no pain. There is no doubt. Even this new knowledge of how convoluted these plans have been, does not bother me. My body tingles with pleasure, I am so comfortably numb. Xigbar’s eye blazes as he climbs to his feet. “Fun as it’ll be to tell your boyfriend that you planted one on me, I’m not looking to relive that whole experience again. Having several thousand volts of electrical current course through my body was something I only needed to feel once. But hey, looks like everyone was right. You do fight just like Larxene.”

“How can you be on his side? Aren’t you scared of turning into someone else?” Sora asks, though his voice sounds millions of miles away.

“Me? I’m already half Xehanort.” Xigbar grins, but his words slide right off of me as I float.

“That’s insane!” Sora sputters.

“However--through weakness of body...weakness of will...or weakness of trust--most of the original members we had chosen for the Organization were inadequate. Thus, naturally, they never had a chance to attain their goal. Yet, even this was to be expected.” Xemnas explains. Distantly, I think perhaps my defiance was my saving grace. “We have learned of the heart's folly, and we have achieved our other goals. This last excursion has proven to be a worthy closing assignment for the Organization.” 

“Just stop it!” And like the hero he has always been, Sora leaps to his feet and comes flying toward us, standing right in front of where I float, idly by. “You treat people’s hearts like bottles on a shelf, but they’re not! Hearts are made of the people we meet, and how we feel about them--they're what ties us together even when we're apart! They're what...make me strong.” I struggle through the fog of anti gravity, through the delicious high. It is so beautiful, I want nothing more than to cling to it but--

Sora needs me.

Beyond that, Roxas needs me. My best friend. I cannot let him down again.

“Duh! You're strong because of the ties you have with other people. As if the Keyblade would choose a wimp like you.” Xigbar scoffs. “But no pouting. We see much bigger and better things in your future...once you side with us.”

And this is all the push I need.

“No!” I scream, limbs lurching as I tumble through the air, crashing into Xigbar. The effects of his gravity spell wear off and my weight sends us straight into the ground, but for how spent I am, he is so much quicker than me. He takes me to the ground with ease, on my stomach, twisting my arms and pinning them tight behind my back. I scream, kicking, thrashing. Maybe he’s stronger than me, maybe I am in no state to be fighting, maybe we’re in his realm, not mine, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to do everything in my power to keep my best friend and the boy housing him safe. “I won't let you touch a single hair on his head!” 

“Oh not me.” Xigbar assures me, lips at my ear. “Xemnas, he’s all yours.” The Freeshooter announces.

“Sora, no!” I cry out, jerking beneath Xigbar’s weight. I felt Sora drain my strength, however unintentionally once. There's got to be a way I can lend it to him again.

“And as for you, kiddo...time to wake up.”

I wake with a jolt, shrieking, eyes flying around the dark room. My body drips with sweat, my heart hammers, a drum that reverberates at my temples.

“Unnhg, Rueki, what--” Kairi mutters beside me as I tear out of bed, snapping a light on. “Hey! Rueki, what the hell? What happened, are you okay?”

“Kai, put real clothes on.” I toss her dress at her, where she lays in the bed and she makes a groggy noise. “Do you know where Sora and Riku went? To take their Mark of Mastery Exam, I mean?”

“Um, yeah, I think…” She rubs her eyes and draws in a deep breath. 

“Come on Kai, I need you to wake up, be alert. Now.” I plead. Her brow knits together. “We have to go, Sora’s in danger.”

And that is all it takes to draw her to action.


	10. Chapter 10

X.

With a quick note scribbled to Cid, Kairi and I rush to my ship and make record time. I chew my lips, my heart hammers in my chest, so loud that I can barely hear my own thoughts. 

“Where am I headed?” I ask. If I didn’t like Kairi before, I like her now. She doesn’t hesitate, she doesn’t waste time telling me she’s scared or begging for comfort.

“I don’t know for sure, Mickey told them that the location of the Mysterious Tower changes, constantly. But I’m pretty sure he mentioned something to Sora and Riku about a Moogle constellation.” She says, which, of course we’re headed to a place that can transcend space and time. Why the hell not?

But a constellation is something I can work with. On the screen of my ship, I search and find the constellation Kairi mentioned, plug in the coordinates and set the ship into auto pilot. I don’t like the idea of this, I don’t like setting my life in anyone else’s hands, especially a poor girl who deserves a lot better than everything everyone in her life has thrust at her.

We take off into the atmosphere. This is the only way.

“Listen, Kai, my ship’s saying this’ll take us a little over and hour. I need like...at least forty five minutes of sleep to be able to do what I need to. So just do me this favor, hold my hand through this, don’t wake me until we’re close or something happens.” I order. This time, I’m facing her, I can see the questions in her eyes. She nods though and reaches across the miniscule distance in my ship to squeeze my hand.

“You owe me an explanation when this is done.” She insists.

“I owe you a lot more than that, kiddo. Ice cream, my treat this time.” I say, squeezing her hand back.

It seems like the second I shut my eyes, Kairi has my shoulder in her hand and is shaking me awake. Being torn from a dreamless sleep is more brutal than I could’ve expected. I’m hazy, groggy, my head throbs. I jerk, trying to soothe myself by running a hand through my hair.

“Rueki, something’s attacking the ship!” Kairi’s words thrust me into consciousness. In front of me, is a particularly nasty looking cluster of ships

“Oh, hell, we do not fucking have time for this!” I snap, grabbing the trigger to the ship’s firing system. My fingers move rapidly, so fast that they begin to cramp. The cluster goes down easily, with one hit. “Press that green button.” I order her, and Kairi does, slamming her palm down onto it. With a lurch, the ship shifts out of auto pilot. “Hang on.” I waste no time, steering the Teeny Ship out of the way of the cluster, eyes darting to the map on my screen. We’re close to the Moogle constellation, I must’ve been out longer than I thought. But if I can’t lose the Heartless ships, the world surely will not grant us passage to land. 

A ship follows us, I shoot, unyielding until the thing explodes.

“What the hell is that?” Kairi cries. 

“The worst kind of vermin in this fucking realm. Heartless ships are nasty, I don’t know what the fuck pilots them, but they sure don’t have any issues shooting Gumi Ships down.” I growl, stomach clenching as I spin the ship, firing at another, far nastier looking ship.

“Shit!” Kairi chokes. “Rueki, we’re close. I don’t know how, but I can feel it.” Of course she can, her mystical light powers are still perfectly intact. That’s why I needed for her to grip my hand tightly and guide me through the darkness, and away from the wicked nightmares my own mind always manages to conjure. 

Our ship takes a hit, I am slammed back in my seat, so is Kairi, who grits her teeth and scrunches her face.

“I’m going to need your help, kid.” I say, rigorously firing back at the ship. “I need you to twirl that blue rod as fast as you can when we get fired at, but only when we get fired at, okay?” 

“Yeah, blue rod, got it.” She chokes. I hammer at the trigger, scanning the enemy ship’s health, watching it slowly but surely deplete. Brightly colored lasers shoot out from the ship, in our direction, and Kairi follows orders perfectly, whirling the blue rod at lightning speed, creating an impenetrable force field around us. The lasers ricochet off of us and beam right back at the Heartless’ ship. The Heartless’ ship starts to creak beneath the force of the attack. I pulse away at the trigger to our lasers, once more and watch the ship burst, dissolving into particles of light. “Holy shit!”

My heart hammers in my chest, I have not suddenly forgotten how frightening or dire Sora’s situation is, but nothing will ever beat the elation of victory behind the wheel of a Gummi Ship. I love flying. Like so fucking much.

Doubting me in any other situation is fair game, but I’m a damn good pilot.

Like clockwork, light starts to sparkle in the distinct shape of a large, crooked tower. Within seconds, the world has formed, and recognizes our ship as that belonging to an ally and not an enemy. Its gravitational pull sucks us in. Kairi and I brace ourselves for the impact of landing, and the second we touch ground, we both unbuckle and scramble gracelessly from the ship, her looking very much like a newborn doe. I don’t even want to know what I look like. 

I race her up the tower and when we throw the doors to the highest room open, we are greeted by Donald, Goofy and a wizard who appears old as time and anciently wise. I am disoriented, momentarily, never have I met anyone who radiated pure power on this level. But Kairi has more focus than me. She all but plows me over.

“Sora’s in trouble!” She screams.

“Kairi!” Goofy’s eyes widen.

“Rueki! We thought you were dead.” Donald says. “We know Sora’s in trouble, the King just went to find Riku to help him save Sora!”

“And I’m sure there are a lot of introductions that need to be had and a lot of catching up we need to do, but Kairi told me the boys were here, which means someone powerful enough to send them into the sleeping worlds is here.” I say, eyes darting to the wizard. “It’s you, isn’t it?”

“Rueki, have some manners, that’s Master Yen Sid, he’s the King’s teacher!” Donald scolds, which only serves to make me clench my jaw. I really don’t have time for tiptoeing around etiquette right now. But Master Yen Sid is definitely a valuable asset, and someone I don’t dare cross. At least not without a halfway decent reason and a deep seated grudge. 

“Apologizes for my curt behavior, Master. But I need to get to Sora. Something bad is happening to him, and you’re going to need someone with a clue of what’s going on to be a part of this rescue team.” My eyes dart to Kairi. I grab her hand and squeeze so tight. “Xehanort, Xemnas, Xigbar, at least those three, probably more have teamed up. They’re trying to fill thirteen vessels with Xehanort’s essence, and they need Sora to be their thirteenth. My heart is linked to his. I think that if I’m close to him, I can reach in, grab our link and wake him.” I watch Kairi turn a sallow, sickly color. 

“Rueki…” Kairi chokes.

“I know, I know kid, but we’re going to get him back. I died once for his ass, I’m not letting him put me in that predicament again.” I insist.

“Alas, young Rueki, we were previously aware of Sora’s predicament. The King, I know, feared Donald and Goofy’s interaction, wanting their protection. But I think, in this specific situation there is a strength in numbers. If you feel equipped to infiltrate Xehanort’s plans, I think it would only be pragmatic to send you.” Yen Sid agrees, and I flourish.

“Me too.” Kairi insists. “If Sora’s in trouble, I want to help, I’ll fight anyone I need to.”

“No!” I hear myself before I even register that the worlds leave my mouth. Kairi turns to me with wide, hurt eyes. I can’t lie to her. I can’t hurt her further. “Kai, I’m going to be busy enough worrying about Sora, I can’t worry about you too.”

“I can defend myself, Rueki, you know this!” She insists, and she can. And she could heal me better than I could heal myself if things get tricky. Kairi and I would be a fantastic team. But this changes nothing.

“If I can’t protect Sora, if something happens, you can’t be there to see it. It will kill you.” I whisper. “If you watch the person you love most die, it will change everything you are, I can’t lose you.” My words are barely above a whisper as I speak. I am so mortified to confess this, in front of people I normally wouldn’t confess a thing to. Kairi bites her lip. “Let me do this, and when I get back, I’ll tell you everything that happened. Let me do this, and when I get back, you and I will train for lifetimes, until we’re so strong that we can protect the people we love. I know it’s a lot, but please, just trust me on this. Let me leave you behind once, and then I never will again. I promise.” 

Silence. And then

“You’ll tell me everything?” She presses. 

“Everything.” Even the dark, dark secret I’ve been keeping about the man I love being her kidnapper. She takes a breath and then nods.

“Be safe, please, Rueki.” She urges. I nod.

“Okay. Send me.” I tell Yen Sid, who looks to Donald and Goofy.

“If Rueki fails, are you prepared to assist, in her stead?” He asks. I think to ask how they will know if I fail, but one look at Yen Sid and I am convinced he is at least a bit omniscient in some way.

“Yes, Master Yen Sid!” The two say, saluting in unison.

“Then Rueki, brace yourself. For travel by light is nothing like what you’re used to.” Yen Sid points a finger at me. A spark of light begins at his finger tip, and before I have time to question him, the beam extends and quite literally engulfs me. 

And Yen Sid is right, this is nothing like I’m used to. It is aggressive, tearing through my core the way teleportation did, but simultaneously soothes and refreshes me. I think to myself, that this is the single greatest means of travel in the universe and has no bad side to it. But I land in an all white room with weak, shaky legs. 

I however, am not noticed. Instead, a bald man with glowing golden eyes is mid monologue. I do not know this man, I have never met him, but I look at him and know instantly who he is. Because he reminds me, somehow, so much of Xemnas that I can barely compose myself. This is Xehanort. 

“In ancient times, people believed that light was a gift from an unseen land by the name of Kingdom Hearts. But Kingdom Hearts was safeguarded by its counterpart, the X-blade. Warriors vied for that precious light, thus beginning the "Keyblade War." The violent clash shattered the X-blade into twenty pieces--seven of light, and thirteen of darkness. And the only real Kingdom Hearts was swallowed by the darkness, never to surface again. I once tried to create my own pure light and darkness to forge the X-blade, but the attempt ended in failure. In my eagerness, I had lost sight of the correct way to achieve my goal. I acted rashly. I can admit that now.” The bald man replies. From the thrones, I look up at him, at an unconscious Sora, at several other cloaked figures who do not even regard me and then, at one specific person. Xigbar. His visible eye flicks to me, and I am alarmed by how unsurprised he is to see me. This does not feel like a good sign.

“Don’t stop now, old man. But I think you might’ve just won our bet. Little Rueki is here after all.” Xigbar snorts. The old man’s eyes find me and a demented smile creeps across his features. An attractive boy with silver hair looks to me, squares his shoulders and then back to Xehanort. He can’t be much younger than me, but he’s nearly a foot taller and all business. From what I remember, there is no doubt in my mind--this is Riku. And beside him, the oversized mouse, that must be the king.

“Rueki, what are you--” The King starts, but I put a hand up.

“Introductions later. Save Sora now.” I lace my fingers through La Luxure and take a step forward. Xigbar cackles.

“Aren’t you still reeling from our last fight, kiddo? You really itching to get your ass handed to you again?” Xigbar taunts.

“I dunno, how much worse do you think ground electricity feels outside of a dream?” I snap. He makes a face, but this time the old man, Xehanort laughs.

“The girl’s impulsiveness will be her demise. Just like the wielders past.” Xehanort replies. I roll my shoulders back.

“What you did back then, your mistakes, changed the destinies of three of my friends!” The King cries out. 

“Ah, but destiny is never left to chance. I merely guided them to their proper places. The broken boy who failed to be the blade...the misguided master who sacrificed herself for a friend...and the feckless youth who became my new vessel.” Xehanort recalls. Something stirs, deep within me. A corridor in my heart that I haven’t ever felt before. An extension of Sora, perhaps? I’m not sure, but it wrestles inside of me, and suddenly, my mind flashes back to the dream. To the blue haired woman and her friends.

The wielders past.

“I couldn't find a way to save 'em. But I wanted to believe that their sacrifice stopped you for good. Why? How was I so blind? I should've seen it, as soon as Maleficent started gathering the seven princesses of heart.” The King mutters.

“Yes. They were all my doing. I used the evil fairy to find seven pure lights for me, just as I prepared thirteen vessels to fill with pure darkness.” My blood runs cold at Xehanort’s words. Princesses of Heart, pure lights. Kairi. No, he’s not touching her, he’s not laying a finger on her. Whatever he’s trying for, I’m not certain, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he will find himself impaled by the spikes of my Knuckles before he lays a finger on any of these kids. Each forced to grow up too fast because of him. Not unlike me but...I’m older. I’m an adult, part of growing is pain, but these children should not know anything of the pain that this man or his vessels are capable of inflicting. 

I’ve done some awful things, in the name survival. Maybe I haven’t completely made amends for all of them, but ending him seem as good a place to start as any.

“But you failed!” Riku cries out. “Sora stopped you in you tracks on both counts.”

“And now the three of us are going to finish what he started.” I snap. Riku seems to cast me a look, something unsure that eventually finds resolve. I think this might be something akin to acceptance, and hell am I thankful for it. No longer am I plagued by ambiguity. 

I am a big damn hero.

“Yes, he did. That dull, ordinary boy--a Keyblade wielder so unlike any I have ever seen. However, I have not abandoned my ambitions--the seven guardians of light and the thirteen seekers of darkness.” Xehanort insists, and I look around, at the thrones above us. I don’t need to, though. I know this room like the back of my hand, every throne is filled, which means he’s assembled all thirteen darknesses. With horrified eyes, I gaze up at Sora. If Riku and the King can just keep this old bastard monologuing, then I can--

Certainly not sneak past without Xigbar’s one eyed gaze following my every move. He’s perceptive as all hell, and he’s right, I don’t feel great after our last battle, I’m hardly in a state to take on him and any of these other darknesses.

“Seven guardians of light? Well, for Keyblade wielders, there's me and Riku and Sora. And my three missing friends, that's six. Then the seventh would be…” The King counts, eyes suddenly going wide. He gasps, confirming what I’d already feared. This X-Blade, whatever it is, I am still unsure, but I doubt any of us are safe if it is in Xehanort’s hands. “That means...the thirteen seekers of darkness…”

“Yes, little king. Perceptive. But Sora and another on your list belong to me now. And that puts you three guardians short. But worry not. All of the pieces are destined to appear. Your seven lights just like my thirteen darknesses, whose final clash will beget the prize I seek.” Xehanort taunts. 

“The X-Blade.” He and the King proclaim. Xehanort’s eerie golden eyes move across the room, to Sora.

“But first, the thirteen darknesses shall be united. All the seats have been filled. And now the last vessel shall bear my heart like the rest!” Xehanort calls out, waving his hand. At that, Sora’s throne begins to rise.

“No!” The King cries.

“Sora!” Riku shouts.

“Not fucking happening.” I hiss, and the three of us take off. 

My legs move the fastest and I am closest to the throne first, but Xigbar also moves at a rapid speed. Before I know it, a bullet from his arrowgun knocks me back and onto my ass.

“Get down here and fucking fight me, you coward!” I scream, scrambling to my feet.

“Ha, as if.” He scoffs. But I can work with that. I fumble, trying to find a grenade in my pocket, just as Riku is slammed into me, by a dark skinned man in an open coat. The two of us cry out as we hit the ground. The King isn’t having any better luck either, in fact, as I look up to see him, I watch Xemnas slam him into a throne.

“Three against twelve is shit odds.” I mutter, from beside Riku.

“If we could just wake Sora…” He starts, and although the odds aren’t much better, I’d certainly like them more with Sora alive and kicking. 

Sora’s throne begins rising and rising. I push myself to my feet and extend a hand to Riku.

“I can reach him if I have something to launch off of. You mind letting me use your Keyblade as a springboard?” I ask as I hoist him up.

“Sure, but be quick, I can’t hold these guys off for long.” Riku says. Fortunately for him, quick is my specialty.

Xehanort holds up a Keyblade and waves a hand over it, the weapon pulses with some sort of deep, red energy. He raises it high and points it at Sora. I take off in a sprint, breath caught in my throat, just in time for Xigbar to nail me with another bullet to the shoulder. The force knocks me onto my back, tearing the breath from my lungs. My spine hurts, my head is sore, my hands shake and tears spring to the corners of my eyes.

No, no, we failed. I failed. I--

A heart shoots out of Xehanort’s Keyblade and flies toward Sora. It nearly hits him, but as quick as we failed, we are saved.

An explosion rattles the throne room. Flames erupt on Sora’s throne, violent vivid. Smoke obscures my view but the King’s eyes widen.

“He made it!” The King exclaims. Xemnas’ features distort, twisting into a nasty scowl.

“You.” He growls. I try not to hope, I try not to make assumptions, I try not to feel the heat that seems to be spreading up my limbs, crawling dangerously close to my heart. I don’t even risk a breath.

The smoke clears.

Axel...No, Lea stands, Sora tucked under one of his arms, a Chakram twirling in his other hand.

My heart, my real heart, a heart that has been real from the very beginning, is so loud I think it may cause an earthquake. Or does it stop? I don’t know, but for a second, danger doesn’t exist. The marks under his eyes are gone, but otherwise he is the same. So breathtakingly perfect. I could stare at the man for hours and this wouldn’t be real. I could crumble right here, I could move mountains. 

“Axel!” Xigbar shouts. My insides flutter. This is real, he is real. Dear fuck, he is real.

“Axel Please? The name’s Lea. Got it memorized?” His voice is enough to bring me to my feet, my legs are good again, I am not just steady, but strong. The ragged edges of my heart have healed over, so beautifully, smooth and shiny. Kairi’s presence has been a bandaid, a treatment, but Lea is the cure.

“You’re not supposed to be here!” Xigbar snaps, his visible eye flicks to me, then back to Lea, almost in accusation, but Lea doesn’t once gaze at me.

“Promises to keep. I’ll always be there to bring my friends back.” Lea manages to shrug, and then, with a grin that makes my stomach backflip “what, bad timing? You had your perfect little script, but you kinda forgot to write the sequel. Now let’s find out what happens!”

Xigbar slams his fists against the arm rests of his throne.

“What now, you old coot?” He snaps at Xehanort. “Our time is up.”

But Master Xehanort doesn’t look disturbed, not in the least. Instead, an eerie smile curls onto his lips. His golden eyes flick to a hooded figure who rises, on command. An obedient dog.

A guard dog.

Fuck

No, no, fucking no. No, no.

The figure lunges, sailing across the divide. I am so unsurprised when he summons a Claymore. I am somehow less surprised when he smashes his Claymore into Lea, who barely has time to raise a Chakram in defense. The sheer force knocks Saix’s hood back.

His face is the very same, his eyes cold with pure hatred. I choke on panic.

Lea blanches.

“Isa.” He breathes, skinny arms buckling under the force of Isa’s attack. Between holding onto Sora and trying to fight with one hand, the effort is almost too much. Lea pushes back, gritting his teeth. It is effortless, though, for Saix to press more of his weight into the attack. I hear weak little noises coming from Lea as he struggles, with all of his might, eyes fragile. He can’t let go of the past long enough to fight his friend. Saix did not leave deep, violent scars across his body. 

Maybe Lea cannot let go of Isa, of the polite boy Saix used to be.

But I can.

“Firaga.” 

Not as powerful, but infinitely more controlled than my best Thunder spell, an enormous ball of fire shoots from the tips of my Knuckles and pummels into Saix, knocking him into the back of the throne. His nostrils flare, his eyes go wide as they flick to me. 

A wicked grin curls across my lips.

“Rueki.” Lea breathes my name like am some sort of pagan goddess, come to life. Euphoria floods over me. Victory.

“That one was for me.” I call to Saix.

Simultaneously, the King manages to find victory over Xemnas. Riku slashes at the man with the open coat. The two teleport away, finding sanctuary behind Xehanort. Several sets of golden eyes find where Riku, the King and I meet, in the middle of the floor. Lea looks at me, and his eyes glow. Gauchely, he stumbles over himself, onto the ground, as if his body cannot find mine fast enough. There’s a moment, a long moment where I genuinely think he is going to drop Sora on the ground and take me into his arms. I cannot say I would be heartbroken. 

“Why are you here, Axel?” Riku asks, reminding me that reality exists. That time has not stopped for Lea and I, that this beautiful reunion does not suddenly make us exempt from the roles we have chosen to play.

Big damn heroes.

“No, I already told you, my name’s…” Lea looks to Riku and sighs “Ugh, whatever, Axel’s fine. Now let’s get out of here.”

“Right.” The King nods, but Lea’s words are for me, for me and no one else. 

“I dunno, Axel hid a lot of shit from me. Lea on the other hand...he seems pretty okay.” I breathe.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that name, sweetheart.” I have tunnel vision again as Lea looks at me. He is everything, nothing exists outside of him, outside of this.

In that instant, the man with the open jacket swoops in and, using some demonic looking guardian, scoops up Riku and the King. Riku cries out, struggling against what binds him, and then, abruptly, stops. I cannot figure out why--

But then, the sound of screaming distracts me too.

Donald and Goofy come raining down from the ceiling, and slam straight onto the demonic guardian. It retreats, dropping Riku and the King, in turn. Donald rubs his head, drawing in a breath.

“Were we supposed to do that?” He asks.

“I think so.” Goofy laughs. Riku laughs too.

“Goofy, Donald! You saved us!” The King cheers. Xemnas looks to us. So does the man with the guardian. Saix’s malicious eyes find me. Xigbar’s eye glints. And then, like smoke, they begin to fade away.

“We are out of time. Neither the union of light nor darkness has been achieved, and we must all return whence we came. But, the gathering of the seven and thirteen is nigh.” Xehanort says. What appears to be a younger version of Xemnas locks eyes with Riku. Saix looks to Lea. And Xigbar? Just before he disappears, he winks at me.

“Let us finish this at the fated place. Once your lights and my darknesses join together.” Xehanort finishes, before disappearing with the rest of them.

I look at Lea. He looks at me. Between the two of us is a spark, a pull so magnetic, I can scarcely breathe. I connect my Knuckles to my belt. Lea’s eyes flick to Sora, as though he is looking for a place to set his limp body. My arms twitch, desperate, burning to touch him, to love him, to hide away forever with him and make up for the two months we have been apart. Xigbar didn’t lie to me. Lea came back, and he’s here. Beside me, he’s safe. He’s mine. This is real.

This moment is what we have waited so long for. So fucking long.

“Rueki.” I could get high on just the way he says my name.

“Lea…”

“What happened to introductions later?” Riku looks from me, to Lea, to Sora. Cheeky fucker. “Let’s head back to the tower.”

If he thinks he can out snark me, the joke is on him.

“Okay, fine. But you get to apologize to Kairi when we get back.” I say. Riku goes pale, all of his composure falls away.

“Kairi’s there?” And I don’t think of the implications surrounding that, I don’t think of how this will effect. I just shrug and smirk at Riku. “Fuck.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So anyone else see Captain Marvel and get BIG Rueki vibes from Carol or just me?

XI.

Riku scurries nervously into the Mysterious Tower, and I can practically feel the pending heart attack radiating off of him. 

“She’s gonna be so pissed. And when she sees Sora...Shit.”

Sure enough, upon our arrival, Kairi’s eyes flick up. 

“Sora!” She cries out, as Lea props the boy against the wall. She scrambles to him, and I don’t even think about her reaction. I don’t even think about how she will surely hate me, I don’t think about the fact that Riku is a nervous wreck, struggling to keep his cool and collected demeanor around his friend, or that we are in a room full of people. The only coherent thought that crosses my mind is that Lea’s arms look entirely too empty.

He whips around, eyes burning into mine. I don’t know who moves faster.

He crouches down to my level, I grab his face into my hands. We crash together, waves knocking into the shore. My mouth pops open, his teeth crash into mine. A groan bubbles from his lips, crawls its way out like a wild animal from the depths as he pulls me in impossibly closer, by the back of my head. The world disappears, the heat of his mouth, his body, it is home and I have finally returned. With every second that passes, his lips against mine, I can feel the darkness being burned out of me. I can feel my jagged nerves being repaired, cauterized. 

His gloved fingers glide down my neck, my shoulders, the tops of my arms, as though trying to cover as much of me as possible, as though trying to prove I am real. And I am no better. I lace my fingers through his spiky hair and yank, just to hear a cry pass from his lips.

He smells the same. Like bonfire, like smoke. Thank fucking Twilight.

“Fuck, Rueki--” He begins. I am panting as we pull away, struggling desperately for breath, my grip on him still vice like.

“I searched for you for so long, I didn’t think I was going to--”

“What the hell, Rueki?” 

The world exists outside of Lea and I. The world exists, and so do the consequences of my actions. My grip on Lea slackens, my hands waver. I draw in a shaky breath. His eyes are quizzical, his brow is furrowed, and though I am beyond elated to have him at my side again, finally, I forgot to dread this moment. I was supposed to have told her already. I should have told her at the very beginning, I shouldn’t have kept any of this from her.

I release Lea and turn to where Kairi sits, crouched beside Sora, hands balled into fists. Her eyes are slits as she looks at me, she’s struggling to contain tears, but her gaze is hard and betrayed. Riku, Donald, Goofy, Master Yen Sid and the King are all bent together, talking in low hushed tones while Kairi fusses over an unconscious Sora. I can only imagine how this looks to her. Sora still isn’t awake and I am far more concerned with locking lips with her former kidnapper.

I exhale, slowly, with purpose I look to Lea, squeeze his shoulder and then release him before I duck down to Kairi.

“Xehanort’s been a busy little asshole, Kai. He wanted to put his heart inside of Sora, and we stopped that, well, Lea stopped that. Riku, the King and I got our asses handed to us.” I confess to her. She scoffs, shaking her head.

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it. And why the hell are you calling Axel, Lea? Do you have any idea what he did to me? He kidnapped me! And if he hadn’t been such a half ass captor, Saix wouldn’t have gotten ahold of me.” She begins to chew her perfectly pink lips as she twists her hands. I reach out and snatch up one of her hands, squeezing it in mine, but she tears it back and looks away. “You knew, didn’t you? That he kidnapped me, at least? You knew that we were searching for my captor, for someone who ripped me from where I was safe, and because of his sloppiness, I ended up locked up in a cell in the Castle That Never Was. He kidnapped me Rueki!”

I want to reach out to her again, part of my thinks this will be easier if I could just hold her hand or hug her, if I could try to quell her anger with gentleness, with care. But I don’t. I take a breath so deep, my shoulders heave. Here goes nothing.

“It was my idea, actually.”

No more lies, no more hiding thing from those I love. The weight of my words crash down onto her with a force that I cannot imagine. Her eyes fall to the ground, she puts a hand to her heart, her brow knits together. 

“Kai, neither of us wanted to hurt you, we were both being kept by Organization XIII. We were assigned these ridiculous, nonsensical suicide missions. There was no running away, the only chance we had at getting out, was getting Roxas back and on our side, and Sora too, and the only way to get Roxas back was to turn Sora into a Heartless.” I explain, though the words sound almost dirty coming from my mouth. At a lightning speed, I try to convince her, but the more I talk, the less convinced even I am. 

“You think any of this sounds better when you say you wanted to turn Sora into a Heartless?” She snaps. 

“It wasn’t going to be permanent, that’s why we needed you. You brought him back once when he was a Heartless, we needed you to do that again.” I insist. She sneers. “Kai, we were desperate, do you think I came out of the womb scarred up like this? This is what happened when I didn’t give up Axel when he disappeared to go get you…” I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, struggling with the weight of this truth. I know what happened, I lived through it, and yet, relaying it to someone else is an entirely different struggle altogether. “This was what happened when they wanted to test, to see if I had it in me to be a worthy vessel.”

“Why would you even come find me? If you knew what you did, if you knew what he was…” She sputters, wiping tears with the back of her hand. I am instantly reminded of our conversation in Agrabah, of how no matter how hard she tries, feelings like anger, sadness and resentment get expelled from her body at such a force, it is like she is being sedated. She’s trying so hard to be upset with me, it’s got to be hurting her, but doesn’t she deserve to feel her feelings? Isn’t it her right to be upset at me, upset at what I’ve hid from her? After all, this is my fault. I want to mend the bridge between us like nothing else, Kairi has quickly and easily become one of my dearest friends. But it isn’t fair for me, as her friend, to deprive her of such a right. 

“I was looking for him.” Tell the fucking truth, I remind myself. She deserves it, above all, she deserves it. “But there was so much darkness in my heart, I needed something, a light more powerful than my dark to outshine everything that still hurt inside of me. And your light...fuck, Kairi, even if I didn’t like you, I’d still sew myself to your side just so that I could feel as good as you make me do.”

“You used me.” She says flatly. “Just like Maleficent wanted to.” I don’t quite know what she’s referring to, and without Sora’s memories readily accessible, I just nod, in defeat.

“Yeah.” I sigh. “I wanted to be better, this time around, now that Organization XIII doesn’t have a hold on me. But I’m pretty great for ruining everything.” I murmur. “I’m trying though, Kairi, and I’d do anything to earn your trust back.”

“You know I’m going to forgive you and that I physically do not have it in my heart to hold a grudge, so whatever, Rueki. Do what you want, you know you’ll get away with it. I don’t even care.” She sniffs, wiping her eyes once more. I clench my fists, feeling my fingernails biting into the flesh of my palms, even through my gloves. It’s just like Roxas in Twilight Town, it doesn’t matter what my intentions are or how incredible the love for my friends is, if I keep going at this with a tainted heart, with the darkness guiding my way, willing to do whatever it takes to come out on top, I am going to lose everyone. Everything. I wish there was some sort of way to properly convey to Kairi my remorse, I wish I could concoct beautiful words that would make her more willingly accept the forgiveness that her heart will inevitably grant. I wish hers was the heart mine is connected to, and that I could push my thoughts onto--

Her heart spent time in Sora’s.

Not for long, and not at the time that my heart was connected to Sora’s. This is a hell of a long shot, but I see this girl, crying angry tears that her heart can barely manage…

I see my new best friend, so broken and all because of me. If I could make her understand, if I could make this easier for both of us, then it is worth this shot in the dark.

“Can I try something?” I ask. She snorts, mouth curling into a pout.

“I don’t even know why you’re asking. You clearly think you can do whatever you want, as long as you and Axel get by unscathed.” She snaps. I sigh, reaching out, setting my hands on her shoulders. Her eyes widen.

“I never meant to hurt you, Kai. Ever.” I insist. Her face, her betrayed expression is skewed in disbelief. Her tone wavers as she speaks.

“I don’t believe you.” She says.

“I know, and it’s okay. I deserve it.” I agree, leaning forward. I hear her breath hitch. I press my forehead against hers, my hands move up into her hair. I could envelope myself in her light, right here, bathe in it and never hurt again. Her heart is open, her mind is open. In her shocked state, I swear, I can feel a passageway opening from my heart, to Sora’s, to hers. It is a stretch, and being that he is down for the count, not only is the path hazy, but unkempt. It is nearly impossible to traverse, but I push through, bracing myself as her heart fights against my intrusion. This is brutal, beyond difficult. Everything she is, is made to reject everything I am. But like the monster I am, I grip the tunnels of her heart, refusing to let go, refusing to let up. And instead, once I have sufficiently weathered the storm, I feel a calm settle in. This is all the window I need to take my very consciousness, and shove it as far into her heart as I can. She gasps, grabbing my arms.

“It’s okay.” I promise, and it is. Because her heart was made to mend itself, even from my pain, even from my memories. One by one, I feel our minds bleed together. Not only do I feel my thoughts flooding her mind, but I feel hers infiltrate mine. I understand the comment she made about Maleficent. I feel the resentment that the light tries to strip away from her heart, and not just for me, but for Sora, for Riku, for those who have left her behind, solely because she doesn’t have a breakable heart. I feel the pain at my betrayal. I feel her shed tears, hot and heavy as she understands my life, my mind, my heart.

When my hands fall away from her hair, we are both brought back down into reality. We settle pleasantly, a leaf on the wind. I brush a thumb across her cheek, wiping a tear away. She looks at me with eyes like saucers.

“What did you do?” She asks me, in a voice that trembles.

“When I told you my heart’s connected to Sora’s, it’s kind of like that. I can read his thoughts or imprint my own onto him. Our hearts aren’t directly connected though, I had to use the connection of your heart to Sora’s, and your heart, not sure if anyone has ever told you, is hella strong. It fought me every step of the way.” I explain. “Kind of intense, huh?”

“That’s one word for it.” She sighs, leaning back, setting a hand on her heart, as though she is checking to make certain it still beats. “Those were you memories.” She murmurs. And it is a lot to take, I know it is, because I am still reeling from the insertion of her memories into my head.

“And my thoughts, my feelings.” I nod. She chews on her lips and tucks her hair behind her ear. “And I felt yours too.”

“I kinda thought so.” She nods. “I don’t know why you did that though, you know I’m going to forgive you anyway, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, I know. But, I mean, if you want to yell at me for like an hour first, or something, I wouldn’t hate you for it. I’m pretty good at the whole yelling about stupid shit, thing.” I remind her. She snorts, biting back a smile, and not a smile that she is forcing or wearing because her heart is coercing her. She is genuine. And that is everything.

“Yeah, you definitely are.” She cocks her head to the side, and offers me a gaze that is just warm enough to awaken my heart. She seems to debate on something, she looks to Lea, looks to me and leans in. “You guys were kinda cute, and you know my heart is going to make me forgive him, but um, I’m still gonna give him hell.” She confesses, loud enough for him to hear.

“Hey!” He protests, heaving a sigh. “Listen, Kairi, I--”

“I’ve done enough making nice for today, Axel.” She says, ice in her voice. Lea looks at me, anxiety flashing across his features, his perfect, angular features, and hell, he is everything. “My best friend is too good for you.” She tells him, and my heart flutters. I reach out and throw my arms around her. She hugs me tight, laughing a high, musical laugh.

“I still get to be your best friend?” I ask.

“Well, I mean, you’re still the only one who hasn’t set me in a corner and ditched me to go an adventure, so--” Kairi’s eyes flick to Riku, who finally breaks away from the circe he is in, and sighs.

“Kairi, I promise, Sora and I both owe you an apology.” Riku says, a note of exasperation in his voice. “And we will both give it to you, as soon as I get him back.”

Kairi’s expression suddenly goes deadly serious.

“What’s the plan, chief?” Lea asks. Riku makes a face.

“Don’t call me chief.” Riku murmurs. “I’m going to dive into Sora’s sleep and pull his heart out of the darkness.”

“You can do that?” Kairi asks, cocking her head to the side. She looks at me and Riku. “Am I the only one here who doesn’t have some strange sort of heart diving power?” 

“Nah, you and me are in the same boat, princess.” Lea shrugs, though Kairi shoots him a look that could petrify a grown man.

“Don’t attempt to rope us in together.” She scoffs. Lea purses his lips.

“You really just okay with your best friend hating me? Sounds like a seriously complicated twist in our relationship, Rueks.” Lea says. I don’t even break a sweat.

“Isa.” Is all the argument I need to cause Lea to pale.

“Have I told you that you look beautiful, today? Because you do.” Lea offers. I smile, even Kairi grins. 

“On a more serious note, is that safe, Riku? Because even I can’t sense Sora right now.” I say, mouth twisting. “It’s...it’s like he’s just not there.” And were it not for the traversing of Kairi’s heart, I would be worried that my link to Sora had closed off altogether. Riku runs a hand through his hair.

“It’s our best shot, me going in. I’ve dove into Sora’s heart once before.” He explains.

“But so have I, and so has Rueki.” Kairi says. Riku chews his lip, as though he is unsure how to pacify Kairi properly.

“No offense to either of you, I’ve got a little bit more training with the Keyblade, and a lot more experience shouldering the darkness.” Riku confesses. And while I do disagree, I’m certain Lea and I have spent much longer playing with darkness, I think Riku is able to control his own personal darkness a lot better than any of us. Darkness works as his ally, a tool for his success. I know that if I get a taste of it again, it will control me.

“If you don’t bring him back, I swear--” Kairi starts, but I squeeze her hand.

“It’s okay, kid. Riku will bring Sora back. And if he doesn’t I will personally hold him down while you punch him.” I tell her. She snorts.

“Okay, you’re forgiven entirely. Seriously, you are such a good friend.” She giggles, eyes flicking up to Riku’s. “But seriously Riku, please, the both of you, be safe. I can’t...I can’t lose you guys again.” She breathes. He nods, crouching down. Gently, tenderly, he kisses her forehead, the gesture is so non romantic and totally platonic, but above all, it is sweet. 

“I promise, we will be, Kai. Sora and I will be back soon.” Standing up, Riku summons his Keyblade. A light from within Sora’s unconscious body seems to glow as Riku opens a portal with his Keyblade. He looks to the group of us, nods, and departs.

As the portal closes up, I feel Kairi tense up. 

“It’s going to be okay, Kai. I promise.” I tell her. She grants me a tiny little half smile.

“I know. I still trust you, Rueki.” Trust your partner. If I ever have to go back into the Reaper’s Game, I want this girl at my side. I turn back to where Lea stands. He tilts his head to the side and seems to understand my invitation. Slowly, as though he is approaching a wild animal, he crouches down to me and Kairi. Her lips fix into a pout, her eyes narrow. “This is going to take some getting used to.” She mutters.

“But you saw--” I begin, but she shakes her head.

“I saw your memories, but Rueki you were already my friend.” She reminds me. And I suppose that does count for something. I was never the face she associated with her kidnapping. I was never someone she bore resentment to. My mouth twists into a frown, I look to Lea who shrugs.

“Hey, you don’t get to spend the last eleven years being a villain and not deal with the consequences. I mean, I won you over after everything that happened in Oblivion.” Lea reminds me, and then looks to Kairi. “Guess I’ll just have to pull out the old charm.” 

“Ha, yeah right.” She snorts, defiantly. Lea’s expression falls, ever so slightly, just enough to make me certain that his heart is shattering. 

“Or, maybe I’ll just have to apologize until you believe me.” He presses his lips into a tight frown. Kairi chews on her lip. She looks away from Lea, too conflicted to meet his gaze, which is fair. I suppose this is better than her yelling at him. I remember her words as we sat in Radiant Garden, eating ice cream together. Neither Lea nor I can take back the past, all we can do is try to make the future brighter, and despite the anger I once felt toward Lea, the relief I am experiencing, just looking this man in the eye, just feeling his warmth beside me, is enough to restore my faith in him. Everything we are about to become, will be better than everything we have been. 

“Um, Rueki, could you maybe fill us in on Sora’s dreams and Xehanort’s plans and...like everything?” Kairi raises her eyebrows. 

And so I do. I skim on no details. I explain, graphically, the inner workings of my empathy link to Lea and Kairi, I detail my journeys through Sora’s dreams, the travels Kairi and I embarked on to find Lea. Donald and Goofy plop down beside me and my two beautiful redheads. The King--whose name is apparently Mickey-- eventually joins us. Master Yen Sid listens intently from his throne. 

“I really thought I was gonna lose, but then I played a dirty trick on him and ground electricity into him.” I explain. Donald’s eyes widen.

“You can do that already?” He, the mage, seems quite baffled by this. I bite back a prideful grin.

“I’m only really good with thunder spells. My fire and anti gravity spells are getting better, I still can barely cast a passable blizzard spell. And definitely don’t count on me to cure you in any battles.” I admit.

“It appears that your talents lie more in the realm of black magic than white magic.” Master Yen Sid observes.

“Meaning?” I raise an eyebrow.

“You’re better with offensive magic than defensive.” Mickey says. I nod, drawing a knee to my chest.

“Yeah, you’re not wrong there.” I nod. “But that’s why Kairi and I have been working so well together. The girl can cast a damn decent cure spell.”

“Oh, come on.” Kairi flushes. “It’s barely decent. Besides, I’ve gotta make up somehow for the fact that I don’t hit as hard as you.”

“Yeah, but you can actually, you know, evade an attack.” I roll my eyes. Kairi snorts.

“You are pretty terrible at that.” She agrees.

“My girl can take a hit though. Nothing keeps you down long, does it, Rueks?” Lea asks, placing a kiss on the top of my head. I could burn up, here and now, from the feeling of his skin against mine. Kairi makes a face.

“You two are going to be nauseating to be around, aren’t you?” She sighs.

“Please, like you and Sora won’t be the same when he wakes up.” I taunt. She colors, turning nearly as red as her hair. 

“Shut up.” She mutters.

“All I’m saying is that you’re super cute, when he wakes up, just have the courage, take his face in your hands, say ‘you’re my boyfriend now, dumb dumb, stop leaving me behind on the Island’, and plant one on him.” I insist.

“Rueki, stop being so embarrassing.” It takes a moment for me to register who the voice belongs to. My eyes go wide, so do Kairi’s, so do everyone’s. A warmth floods my insides as the closed off tunnels to Sora’s heart suddenly reopen.

“Sora!” Kairi cries out and throws her arms around him, knocking him back, impossibly further into the wall.

“Kairi, it’s so good to see you.” He hugs her back tightly, body responding immediately before his brain seems to process what is happening. “Hey, are you crying?” He asks.

“Screw you, you’re crying.” She sniffles into him. 

“It’s okay, Kairi, I’m okay.” He assures her, just in time for her to draw back and punch him in the shoulder. He makes a face. “Ouch, you’ve gotten stronger.”

“Yeah, no thanks to you. Rueki brought me along on her adventures, we trained together...I can fight now, so stop leaving me behind on the Island!” She snaps, and then turns to me. “That was good, right?”

“I’ve never been more proud of anyone in my life, kiddo. You could slap him though, adds some dramatic flair.” I offer.

“Please don’t.” Sora swallows dryly, looking between Kairi and I, as though he is seriously questioning everything in his life. 

“Oh, you’re screwed now, kiddo.” Lea laughs.

“I think I’ll spare you. For the time being.” Kairi smiles at Sora and reaches out to take his hand. “I’m just so happy you’re safe.”

“I’m happy to see you. I missed you so much, Kairi.” He breathes her name and it sounds almost musical. These two are too precious, really. 

“What about us? Donald squawks and Sora grins.

“I missed you too, Donald, Goofy.”

“Speaking of missing people, where’s Riku?” Mickey cocks his head to the side, looking at Sora with wide, curious eyes. Something tells me we all have a lot more to go over in the way of introductions.

“He’ll be back soon.” Sora nods, without a doubt clouding his heart. He rises slowly. Kairi helps him to his feet, and in return the rest of us rise. Donald and Goofy seem to take this as a prime opportunity to attack Sora with hugs as well. “Guys!” Sora laughs, but hugs them back just as tight. Kairi giggles, lacing her fingers together. Lea and I stand, arms around each other. Behind us, Master Yen Sid smiles, a palpable warmth in his dark eyes.

“Ahead of us lie many challenges however, I believe this success calls for a celebration.” With the swiping of his hand, Yen Sid conjures an enormous table, equipped with desserts of every kind, as well as tea and coffee. Party hats in assorted colors decorate the table. A pair of tacky looking fake glasses with a tiny mustache attached to them sits at the edge of the table, and before I can make a snide comment about nobody wanting to wear those, Sora’s eyes light up.

“Cool!” He puts them on, laughing. He puts on a party hat, turns around and smiles the goofiest smile, as though he wasn’t just unconscious moments ago.

“You are such a doofus.” Kairi laughs.

“Yep, that’s Sora!” Goofy agrees, but Sora just offers the two of them the warmest smile I have ever seen. He retreats to the table, grabs a pink party hat and walks over to Kairi.

“It’s so good to have you here to celebrate with, Kairi.” Sora beams, placing the party hat on her head. She colors slightly, linking her arms behind her back in a shy gesture. 

I figure, now is probably the time to behave like a good friend and give the lovely couple some privacy, so, while Donald and Goofy start in on the table of sweets, I turn to Mickey, hand on my hip.

“So what’s the deal with this whole X-Blade thing?” I ask. He gets as far as detailing what it is, the connection it has to Ventus and his two friends Terra and Aqua--and it is not lost on me that Ven and a brunette man called me that name in the depths of Sora’s dream--and how we will need to find them to clash with Xehanort and his darknesses. The King explains as much as he can, in graphic detail, before Riku appears, wild eyed and ragged looking.

“Sora!” He cries out. But Sora is certainly not paying attention. I offer Riku a knowing smile while Sora shouts at Donald.

“Hey Donald! Come on, you’re hogging it all!” Upon hearing Sora’s voice, Riku raises an eyebrow, peering over where we have all gathered around the table of desserts. 

“Aw, calm down Sora. And drink your tea.” Donald insists.

“Gawrsh, it sure is yummy.” Goofy laughs. Riku starts to look increasingly more flustered, I bump Sora’s hip with mine.

“Yo, kid.” 

Sora’s eyes go wide, he looks to me, I gesture, with my head, to Riku. Sora’s entire expression lights up. He quickly takes off his party hat and glasses as he regards his friend.

“Riku!” He cheers, Kairi turns around too, grinning wickedly at Riku.

“You’re safe!” She chirps.

“Wait, haven’t we got this backwards?” Riku asks. “And why are we having a tea party?”

“Awe, come on, live a little.” Lea teases. “We’ve got plenty more moments to worry about all of the serious stuff, got it memorized?” And I do have to agree with him on that. My eyes flick up to Lea’s, as Sora, Riku and Kairi reconnect. Lea raises an eyebrow. I shake my head.

“I needed this, that’s all.” I tell him, quietly, because I don’t know how to properly convey the hell these past two months have been. There’s blame, of course, still residing in chambers of my heart that I do not dare touch. Despite Kairi’s initial displeasure, nothing has tainted this day, this victorious, glorious day. The high of success and above all, of finding him completely override any high I have felt in his life. I look into his eyes, and he is everything. It is simply more than my heart will allow. 

I do wonder how many more of these moments we will have left. Xehanort’s words have not left my mind. He wants to form a super powerful Keyblade with the ability to summon Kingdom Hearts and essentially reset the world as we know it. Today, he was nearly victorious, and despite his defeat in this battle, he seems quite content to play the long game. I look at the group of us. A too cheerful boy and his animal companions. A mouse king and his brooding friend. Two cute, reckless redheads. And me. There is no denying we’ve got heart, but I have a deep feeling that emerging victorious from this war is going to require a lot more logic and a lot less grit. We need to train, each of us. We need to buff and perfect until the lot of us become a well oiled machine. An unstoppable force. Utterly impenetrable. I doubt there will be much time for relaxation before Xehanort attempts to draw together seven lights and thirteen darknesses, once more. Of course, I am utterly inclined to throw away this beautiful gift of relaxation in favor for progress. But I feel Lea’s hand drift to the small of my back and decide progress can wait. I lean my head into him and nearly melt. 

I am allowed to enjoy this. Above all, I am allowed to enjoy him. I have more than earned this.

“Oh! Yeah, did we pass the test?” Sora suddenly interrupts my reverie with wide eyes and eager questions. Master Yen Sid meets him with a hard, unreadable gaze.

“More than anything, I am grateful to have you both back from Xehanort's deception unharmed. I am grateful to Rueki, whose link to your heart, Sora, aided us greatly. And I am grateful to Lea, whose spontaneous actions turned the tides. I am also deeply sorry, for failing to perceive the danger and throwing you headlong into a perilous test.” Yen Sid begins. “This experience has revealed many hidden truths, and we must gird ourselves for the great clash with darkness that lies before us. I believe we need a new Keyblade Master, one with a new kind of power. Sora and Riku, you both deserve the honor. However, one of you braved the realm of sleep again to unlock the final Keyhole and save a friend. Riku, I name you our new true Keyblade Master.”

The words crush me momentarily, and then, suddenly, excitement courses through me. I place a hand against my heart, overwhelmed by the surge of emotion. Then, I see Sora’s awestruck gaze. Such happiness for his friend, despite an initial disappointment. After so long with it being shrouded, I forgot what it felt like to have our empathy link fully functioning.

“Way to go Riku!” Sora beams.

“I knew you’d do it.” Kairi giggles. “We both knew Sora was bound to spend the entire exam napping. Who’d have known his laziness would be so dangerous this time.” 

“Hey! Come on Kairi!” Sora huffs. She simply sticks her tongue out at him and turns back to Riku, who looks baffled. 

“Really? I’m a Keyblade Master?” Riku murmurs, shaking his head, as though the very thought seem impossible. A quick search into Sora’s heart, and I’m overwhelmed by images of Riku, battling darkness, Riku sacrificing himself to shut the door to darkness. Riku changing and growing from an arrogant, cocky kid to someone with such deep, internal strength. Someone who is learning to accept even the darkest parts of himself. I think of my own darkness and wonder if this boy’s strategy is the secret I need to absolve Lea of blame. Perhaps between he and Neku, I could learn something. I can accept the pain, the hurt as part of me while still moving forward to something happier. Perhaps I do not need to go great lengths to burn away the shadows of my past…

“Congratulations, Riku!” The King extends a hand to the older of the teenage boys. Riku takes his hand with a look of intense gratitude spreading across his features. Sora has saved the worlds in tenfold. Sora is my own personal hero, without a shadow of a doubt. But Riku? Just looking at him I can sense the sort of wisdom not to self sacrifice, the bravery to conquer even the deepest darkness, the strength to lead. Sora is an amazing kid. I certainly couldn’t be objective enough to not grant him the rank of master. But I look at Riku, and despite barely knowing him, I can’t say I don’t get it.

“Thank you, Mickey. I owe it to my friends.” Riku nearly chokes, looking at the group of us.

“Ah, I’ll catch up with you in no time flat.” Lea taunts. 

“What? You wanna be a Keyblade Master?” Sora asks. Lea shrugs.

“Yeah, I mean, I came here to learn how to wield one.” He admits. I laugh loudly, dramatically, wheezing. Kairi bursts into a fit of giggles. Lea, on the other hand looks irked.

“Dude, come on. What are you going to catch up with? You don’t have darkness on your side anyone, you’re going to have to totally start from scratch when it comes to combat.” I set a hand on my hip.

“Oh yeah, sweetheart? Tell me more, since you know everything.” He laughs. I smirk.

“You know, I’ve been studying magic. If you wanna play, I can show you exactly how well developed my blizzard spell is.” I bat my lashes at him. Kairi sets a hand on her hip.

“You do realize Keyblade’s aren’t guaranteed prizes for participating in a battle against darkness, right? You actually have to earn one. You heart has to be worthy.” And despite the venom in Kairi’s words, she is right. At least, from what I understand about Keyblades.

“Hey, thanks for the vote of confidence.” Lea rolls his eyes. “You know, I was gonna come swooping in, Keyblade in hand! But I just couldn't get mine to materialize. Must be in the snap of the wrist or something.” He holds the hand that does not rest on my back, up in front of him. Flames pool at the edges of his arms, this is not new, this is something I am quite used to. He’s always summoned his Chakrams in the very same manner.

But then, abruptly, the flames shift, taking shape, forming in the palm of his hand. A curved blade with a circular handle, quite similar to his Chakrams, materializes in Lea’s hand, and although the shape is unique, it is, undoubtedly, a Keyblade.

“What the hell?” Kairi balks, looking quite offended that her would be kidnapper is now considered good enough to wield a blade of this magnitude. A smirk curls at the edges of my lips, because, despite my best friend’s apparent annoyance, I am impressed. Not that I’d ever admit it aloud. Lea’s ego is big enough without my assistance. I look at the curvature of the sword and how it fits so perfectly, curled into his hand. He’s perfect, fuck is he perfect. It is disgusting, but the mere thought of him wielding such an elite weapon is enough to turn me on. I’m willing to blame two months worth of a dry spell on these feelings, but I immediately begin thinking of how quickly I can shove him into a bed…

We could stop in Radiant Garden and defile my childhood room, or go to Transmute City and--

…

Fuck. I do some quick math in my head and realize that if Del and Amaya’s child is not born already, it will be soon. Yeah, I definitely need to make Transmute City my next stop. 

“Um what the fuck? I spent months searching for you, and you’re just over there, learning how to play with Keyblades?” I laugh, momentarily pushing aside worries that Del and Amaya will admonish me for my poor timing. I bump my hip to Lea’s, the hand he has set on my lower back travels to my waist and squeezes. His lips find my temple, I melt into his touch.

“It’s okay to admit you’ve got a thing for Keyblade Master’s, sweetheart.” He teases.

“Technically, Riku is the only Keyblade Master here.” Kairi says, brushing her hair over her shoulder. I choke on a laugh. Lea heaves a sigh.

“You know, the whole you two being best friends thing would be a lot nicer if you weren’t ganging up on me.” Lea shoots me a sheepish look.

“You’re telling me.” Sora looks apprehensively at Kairi, who throws her head back laughing. 

“That’s what you guys get for leaving me behind. You should’ve known one day I’d have a strong, independant, badass woman come rescue me.” Kairi winks at me.

“Is that really how you see me?” I ask, setting a hand to my heart, so touched. 

“Of course.” She beams. My eyes flick to Lea.

“You know, you really better toe the line. I’ve found another cute redhead to replace you with.” I inform him. He rolls his eyes and then presses his lips to my ear, breath so hot against my skin that I would surely get chills, even without his words.

“Let’s not pretend like you aren’t just aching for my cock, sweetheart.” He whispers, low enough where only I can hear, and I do shudder, grabbing his arm, trying not to react too dramatically. He drags the tip of his finger along the outer hem of my shorts. I swallow, dryly. 

“Master Yen Sid, I’ve been practicing with my Keyblade too. I’ve been trying to learn defensive magic, but I know I still have a long way to go before I’m caught up with Sora and Riku… If there is someone that is able to train Lea...may I be trained as well?” Discomfort seems to hang in the air with Kairi’s words. She tucks her hair behind her ear and looks sheepishly at the wizard. He strokes his beard, eyes narrowed as he ponders.

“I think it is undeniable, we require as much additional help, on the side of light, as we are able to get. I do believe it would be prudent to further your and Lea’s training with a Keyblade, Kairi, though you are not the only ones who require further training. Rueki, you were an alchemist initially, but a budding magician now. The person best equipped to aid all three of you, is the wizard, Merlin. Seek him out in Radiant Garden, where he may aid you in your training.” Yen Sid says. I see an apprehensive look pass between Kairi and Lea, and am thankful that I am their buffer. 

Finally, Kairi straightens herself and nods.

“Yes. I want to learn, I want to train. Whatever it takes.” Determination burns brightly in the eyes of the girl who will not get left behind again.

“Master Yen Sid, how pressing is time?” I raise an eyebrow. When every set of eyes in the room falls on me, I heave a sigh. Cool, that sounded stupid. A crazy old man wants to end the world and I’m asking if time is a concern. “A friend of mine just had a kid, and she’ll skin me alive if I don’t at least go and see her.”

“Life is a celebration, one I would not deprive you of, but I encourage you to make haste, Rueki.” Yen Sid nods. I offer Kairi and Lea a smile.

“You wanna go meet the people I grew up with?” I ask Kairi. She beams.

“Of course I do!” She nods.

“Who had a baby?” Sora asks, face contorting.

“Amaya.” I say. His head cocks to the side. I smile. “Best not to know, kid.”

“Amaya? Since when? She was still thin as a rail when I popped in.” Lea says and these words surprise me. A smile lights my features. He did have a plan for finding me.

“When did you stop in Transmute City?” I ask.

“Just after you left.” He confesses. I sigh.

“Shit timing on our part. I got to Radiant Garden hours after you left. Ienzo and I are cool now, by the way.” I say and a smile, a genuine, warm, heartfelt smile sets his face aglow. Fuck, he’s beautiful. “But I mean, hey, we’re good now. For a second, I was wondering if you were even looking for me in the first place.”

I mean it as a joke, but there’s something in his stance that makes my blood run cold. He bites his lip, the muscles in his shoulders visibly tighten. He cannot meet my eyes.

Mother fucker.

“You weren’t looking for me.” The weight of the words seem impossibly heavy as they leave my mouth. My very heart seems to sink. I take a step back, letting his hand fall limp between us. His eyes flick up, his head is still bowed.

“It wasn’t that.” He says.

“Tell me what the fuck it was then, Lea!” I snap. “Because I searched for you for months. I woke up bleeding and hysterical, and forced my ass into high gear to find you. So tell me, please, what was so important that you couldn’t come looking for me!?”

“Rueks, don’t do this.” He pleads, running a hand through his hair, and now that his eyes finally meet me, he is exasperated. Oh, he thinks this is tiring? Perhaps the time we’ve spent apart has just made him stupid. He should know better, just how I can wear him out. 

“Then just answer my questions, it’s as easy as that.” But I’m throwing my hands up. All eyes in the room fall on us. This is ridiculous. For every bit of resentment I pushed aside, for all of the forgiveness I was willing to offer, for how desperately I was seeking out a way to correct my own action, in order to show him more love than bitterness, it is disgusting that I am met, once again, by a man who is willing to wrong me. 

“You said you were coming to find me, you’re my partner, you can hold your own. So sue me for trusting you to do what you promised and come fetch me. Which hey, you did.” He reminds me, as though this somehow exonerates him of everything. I could tear my hair out in frustration. How the hell does he still think he can talk me in circles to get himself out of trouble?

“Yeah, but go figure, I thought the person I love would be trying to meet me halfway!” I roar. “You’re so fucked. Do I mean anything to you, I mean, have I ever? Or do you just stick around long enough to twist me around your finger, and--”

“Stop acting like I manipulated you, Rueki! I haven’t, and I haven’t lied to you. I didn’t look for you, whatever, I’m a jackass, I’ll take responsibility for that, but I didn’t make you do anything you didn’t want to!” He insists.

“Oh, cool, thank you so much for treating your girlfriend with the basic human courtesy of telling the truth and not acting like an abusive dick. Congrats babe, you’ve really outdone yourself.” I roll my eyes. “But did you ever once think about what was happening to me while you were off, dicking around?”

“I wasn’t dicking around. And of course I did!” He swears.

Sora clears his throat. Kairi clenches her fists and makes a movement forward but Riku grabs her shoulder and draws her back.

“Really? So you thought about the fact that I spent the last year of my life as a Nobody screaming myself awake from nightmares? Maybe you thought about the fact that your little fucking boyfriend, Saix, beat me to the point where Demyx had to pump Potions into my system for a week, just to get me to stop bleeding, just before I died and that I might still be struggling with those injuries? Or the fact that I had crippling panic attacks that only you or Roxas were ever able to talk me down from? And hey, we all know Roxas is a bit unavailable at the moment, but what’s your fucking excuse?” When he doesn’t answer me and begins to look flustered, it only serves to fuel the storm inside of me. “What was so important that you decided it required more of your effort than the person you are supposed to love the most?”

Lea is silent for a long moment. Everyone in the room seems to reverberate from my words, desperate for Lea to offer a satisfactory answer, and to be honest, I am too. That is all I want. All he has to do is come up with something that I can forgive, and I will. I would be happy to push this all away and lock my arms around him, but I know if I forgive something that my heart screams in protest against, the darkness inside will consume me, twist me, warp me. I love him and want him above any and everything, but if I am not true to myself first and foremost, I will lose myself.

Lea takes a tremulous breath.

“When I woke up, Isa was missing. You were too, but I kinda figured you would be. You didn’t wake up with the rest of us in The World That Never Was, so why would you have woken up in Radiant Garden? I went to find you in Transmute City, even ran into Del and Amaya, asked them if they’d seen you and I just missed you. They didn’t know where to find you and I didn’t even know where to start. But...I had a...theory, about Isa. That he still wasn’t himself. I couldn’t track you, but I could track the darkness, and I thought, hey, if it leads me to something else, fine, but if it leads me to him...I just didn’t want to lose my friend again and I knew you were safe and--”

My fist connects with his jaw, hard enough to send him reeling. He looks very much like he has just been electrocuted, and, were there not a room full of witnesses, he very well might be.

Shockwaves begin to pulse off of my skin, my nostrils flare, my pupils shrink. There’s no good I can do, right here, right now. This is Castle Oblivion all over again, and I need to get as far away from this man as possible.

“Come on, Kairi, we’re going.” I snap, wheeling around. She is quick to react and all but scampers over to me, keeping pace easily. 

“Dammit, Rueki, come on, I’m sorry, I never meant to--”

I turn back around, stopping dead in my tracks. 

“I kissed Xigbar.” And with that, I stomp, Kairi in tow, back to my Gummi Ship.

Lea curses, loudly, but follows us anyway.


	12. Chapter 12

XII.

What follows mine and Lea’s argument is the most awkward Gummi Ship ride of all time. He tries to apologize multiple times, profusely, sincerely. And I don't even need to cut him off or offer him a biting remark. I fume while Kairi fights my battles for me. Every time Lea opens his mouth she tells him, without remorse, that no one in this ship wants to hear a word he has to say. She isn't wrong and he knows exactly how much trouble he is in with me, so he doesn't even attempt to argue with her. Each time she silences him, he simply clears his throat and looks out the window at the stars. By the time we disembark in Transmute City, Lea has not gotten a word in edgewise, I am still irritated at him, and Kairi has more than proved herself as my new best friend.

The wind whispers against the three of us, far less brutal than it normally is, but Kairi completely vibrates, shaking violently in a cold she is not used to. When we enter my former home, she whimpers with relief. Fire burns brightly from the living room.

“Kids, I'm home!” I call out. Amaya comes scrambling out from the hallway the bedrooms are in. Her green eyes are warm but weary and I notice dark circles are settled deep beneath them.

“Rueki, I am so glad to see you but please, can we keep it down? Del just put Lucidia down for a nap.” Amaya’s voice is soft, gentle and yet somehow sterner than ever. I purse my lips.

“You already had the baby?” I ask. She nods, nearly glowing from head to toe as she approaches. 

“She came a few weeks early but she's healthy and strong and...Rueki she's perfect.” Amaya sighs, her eyes literally twinkling. My heart sputters momentarily. The only time I've ever seen a look so devoted is in Lea’s eyes as he regards me. In the wake of my anger with him, a wave of discomfort washes over me. I should feel nothing fond for him. 

“I'm sorry Maya, I tried to make it in time, but--” I start, but Amaya shakes her head and quickly wraps her arms around me, silencing my apology.

“You kept your promise. You came back home as quickly as you could. That was all I asked.” She squeezes my shoulders as she pulls away, eyes flicking to the redheads who are both now standing in front of the fireplace. “You brought guests.”

“Yeah, you remember Axel. He's Lea now.” I say, purposefully brushing over his name rather than caressing it. 

“Oh I know. He stopped here a few days after you left. I tried to get ahold of you, but you didn't answer your phone.” She sets her real hand on her hip.

“How was I supposed to know there was a phone in my damn ship?” I snap. Immediately her eyes burn.

“Rueki, hush!” Amaya all but growls. I color and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

“Sorry.” I whisper. “Anyhow, the girl is Kairi. She's Sora’s girlfriend.”

“Am not.” I hear Kairi mutter, teeth still chattering. I bite back a smirk.

“Anyhow, she's my friend, we've been adventuring together.” I explain. Amaya nods, smiling, just as Del begins to traipse away from the bedrooms. His hands are in his pockets and abruptly he looks up, eyes darting to each of us. His entire expression brightens, he breaks out into a jog and all but tackles me in a hug. Lea knows there's no reason to be jealous of Del, I sincerely doubt he has ever been jealous of Del. Even now when I am nine kinds of pissed at him, I am certain he is aware he has no competition. Yet, I still find myself very thankful for Del’s affectionate display. Competition or not, Lea needs to be reminded that there are people in the world that do put me first, that I am not asking too much.

“It's so good to see you!” Del says, grinning from ear to ear as he pulls away from me. 

“Shush.” Amaya sighs, her mouth pressed into a hard line. 

“Sorry.” Del chuckles, running a hand through his floppy hair. For the two years that have passed since I lived here, he looks just as young as ever. He takes a few strides over to Lea and shakes his hand, vigorously. “Lea, good to see you, man.” 

“Yeah, you too Del. How’s the little one doing?” Lea asks, and suddenly Del is alight, shining brighter than the sun.

“Oh man, she’s awesome, you should see--” And that is all it takes to get Del off on a tangent. A little bit of attention from someone he thinks is cooler than him. Kairi takes a step away from the fireplace, linking her arms behind her back as she approaches Amaya. 

“Kairi, it’s nice to meet you.” Amaya smiles. “I’m Amaya, Rueki grew up with Del and I.” Amaya holds out her real hand, which Kairi shakes. 

“Nice to meet you too.” Kairi nods. 

“Would you guys by chance, be hungry? I just put away some stew.” Amaya says. Lea’s eyes light up, he turns to Amaya with a vibrant grin on his face. Ugh, fuck, why is he so beautiful? Why am I so impossibly drawn to him when all I want to do is lift up the coffee table and throw it at him? The fucking jerk, the gorgeous fucking jerk. He’d best count his blessings until I get him alone, sans witnesses. When I give him a piece of my mind…

Damn, that is what I need to do. Talk to him, explain to him how deeply he has hurt me. And if all else fails, punch him in the face again. I am livid, incomprehensibly so, but I am not foolish enough to believe that I will not forgive him altogether under the right circumstances. Time apart from one another has been devastating, cripplingly so. I would much rather attempt to have a civil conversation to keep him in my life than lose him completely again. 

Kairi and I catch Del and Amaya up on our journey, about traveling to different worlds together, about how Sora is okay, about how things are still dangerous and the two of us and Lea need to head out tomorrow and start training, but I am very adamant that it was my idea to come and see the two of them, that I wanted to be here for them. That I wanted to congratulate the two of them on the birth of their child. They both look incredibly thankful, but especially Amaya, who I leveled with the last time I was here. Her eyes glisten as she looks at me for the rest of the evening, even as Del pries Lea, with a excited expression. In light of everything, I do take comfort in knowing that some things never change. The things that matter about this place are left untainted. Pure, welcoming. We discuss rooming situations and how Amaya can move the baby into her room and free up what used to be my bedroom. I offer it to Kairi, saying that Lea and I will take the livingroom floor. He looks at me, intrigued, quizzical, and I refuse to meet his gaze, but we both understand that redemption is in the air. Because the more I look at him, the more I resolve to talk to Lea by the end of the night, to fix things for him and me both. I’m so sick of hurting.

“Lucidia needs to be fed, Rueki, would you like to meet her?” Amaya asks after dinner, and I am all deer in the headlights. Suddenly, I feel a deep pang of sympathy for Cid and the responsibility that was forced upon him. Me. The prospect of being asked to even hold a child is overwhelming, but I nod, because I feel like I’m supposed to. Kairi is helping with the dishes, Del and Lea are stoking the fire. There is no one here to save me.

My hands tremble right up until the moment Amaya walks out with a little alien looking creature. I’m not sure what it is about newborns, they just don’t look human, which makes it simultaneously more and less horrifying when she sets the creature in my arms. My heart is a hummingbird, my pupils shrink. Lea’s head whips around, eyes on me as Amaya pulls a bottle out of the refrigerator. 

“Rueki, can you transmute something to heat this up evening, it’s a pain to heat up--”

“Yep!” I quickly thrust the child back at her, take the bottle into my hand and say “fire.” The bottle heats quickly, and, seemingly to Amaya’s surprise, quite evenly. She unscrews the lid, tests the liquid and nods, quite appeased. 

“Oh, your daughter is so cute! Can I hold her?” Kairi dries her hands on a towel and scrambles over to Amaya. My heart is still hammering as I back away from the scene, thoroughly freaked out. Holding something like a life in my hands is horrifying on an entirely different level when the life is defenseless. I am no stranger to defending those I love, but this is unnerving and stressful and--

“You look like you wanna pass out, sweetheart.” Lea claps a hand on my shoulder, but still looks tightly wound, as though he is expecting me to rebuff his affections altogether, but I am still trying to shake my discomfort. Damn, I need to get out of here...and I need to fix things with Lea.

“Go for a walk?” I raise an eyebrow. His features soften completely, the tension in his expression releases.

“Yes.” He takes my hand in his, an instead of lurching away, I squeeze. His eyes are molten, I would be ever so content to drown in them. The familiar, bitter wind hits us, but with Lea in tow, radiating as much heat as he did as a Nobody, I find relief as I shiver closer to him. The hand that once was laced through mine grasps my shoulder, yanking me close. “Listen, Rueks, I’m fucking sorry. I love you, I fucked up. This was my bad, you can hate me if you want, that’s fine, but I just need you to forgive me in the end, cuz this whole having a heart thing isn’t worth it without you.”

Oh. Oh fuck. He doesn’t know.

“We had hearts.” For a moment, my words do no set in. He doesn’t even react, we keep walking, through the wind, toward the shed I have a tendency to keep waking up in. “Xemnas lied to us. We had hearts the whole time.” 

And just like that, he skids to a halt. I have to take four steps to keep up with his two, and my legs are still moving as fast as they will take me, so I nearly topple over. I have to use his hold on me to keep from falling flat on my face. My eyes flick up to his, I chew on my lips as I take in his completely gutted expression. He looks as though he has been stabbed, his hold on me tightens, painfully so. And then, he tears away from me, running his hands through his hair, pinching his eyes shut. 

Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I have accepted this, at the very least, I was not lied to for nearly as long as he, at least not to that extent. I was not the one who, in their early teens, watched their best friend get brainwashed by a lunatic. I was not the one who had to repress painful memories of failing to defend a young girl. I was not the one who was dehumanized for over a decade, to the point that morality meant nothing. Axel lied to me, of course he did. But I see the expression on Lea’s face right now, and I wonder if perhaps that was not such a bad thing. If I spent half of my life believing…Only to realize…

“Come here.” I wrap my arms around him and pull him in tight. His body is limp against mine.

“There’s no way. Xemnas...he told us..How can you be sure?” He chokes, and I feel his heart, feeble as it beats against me. 

“Sora accused Xemnas of lying to us, said you had to have a heart to cry. Xigbar pretty much confirmed it.” I whisper, trying to keep my voice gentle, despite everything. Yes, I do still want to yell at him, yes, I do need to properly convey to him just how deep my hurt runs. He is my partner, between Neku and Kairi, these fucking kids are right. Life is not meant to be lived alone, and Lea is someone, the one I need to trust above all others. 

“Fuck. Fuck. Dammit.” Lea chokes, and suddenly, he grasps me, fingers pressing into me hard enough to bruise. I don’t tell him that I was right from the beginning. I don’t remind him that I swore there was something more inside of us, keeping our emotions alive. I don’t offer a single petty, underhanded word so that I can count myself the victor in this argument. Because this shouldn’t be me versus him. This should be us against the world, and I cannot win if he loses.

“The things you felt, the words you said to me...the love, it was real. It’s been real the entire time. Nothing can take that away from you. Xemnas lied to you the entire time, but you were strong enough to find the truth. You’re better than him, Lea, you always have been.” I try, rubbing soothing circles on his back as I breathe in the smell of him. Fuck, this is home. This is everything. Pain washes away from me with ease, hurt burns up. My desire to balance the scales and wrong him the way I feel he has wronged me almost disappears completely. In the wake of this agony, of this miserable truth, my desire to heal him becomes everything.

“You’re right. Nothing can take away what I did.” But there’s a weight to his words that I do not trust.

“Stop.” I urge.

“You know exactly what I did, who I betrayed, how many times I was okay hurting people that didn’t deserve it--hurting you, all under the shield of being without a heart. I let Xemnas turn me into...Isa turned into…” He tears away from me, reaches around and punches a building, but his very human body is not capable of the force his Nobody body was. His fist makes contact with the wall and a sickening roar spills from his lips. His face twists, he shakes out his hand and turns away from me, unable to meet my gaze as I speak.

“I hurt you too, I knew I had a heart until almost the end. People do shitty things with good intentions all the time.” But I know it is more than that. I remember Axel in the beginning how cold and cunning he was, how little he cared about anything beyond his own agenda and how lucky I was that keeping me alive was on it. He was something wicked and sinister, but he’s not anymore and he hasn’t been for so very long. Between Roxas and I, from the times we spent on the clock tower laughing and eating ice cream, to the times the two of us spent comforting each other, offering reprieve that the outside world so thoroughly denied, he changed, he grew.

And not just him. Me too, through it all, what I assured him of in limbo is true. We are undoubtedly better because of each other.

“I shouldn’t have told you any of that. I should’ve kept my fucking mouth shut about you being a Nobody, it only did more harm than good, it only upset you and--”

“It gave me a second chance on life, one I wouldn’t have gotten if you hadn’t pushed me to act. And I wasn’t pissed about being a Nobody, by then I knew myself well enough to know Xemnas could never manipulate me. I was pissed that you lied to me. I’m not angry about our circumstances, Lea, I’m angry that you always think you can get away with keeping secrets from me. I always find out in the end and it always breaks my heart, because no matter how far we come, we end up ten steps backward. Don’t you realize I’d rather you hurt me with honesty than mislead me with a lie?” I ask, heaving a sigh.

“I’m not trying to mislead you.” He mutters. “I never...I just fucking hate seeing you hurt, Rueks.”

“Don’t you think the secrets hurt enough?” I ask in a voice so small it surprises even me. We’ve had this argument a thousand times, it is nothing new and I am so good at yelling at him and getting violent with him. But he’s hurting, he’s broken and I am the person he counts on to collect the pieces, the last thing he needs, the last thing we need, is for me to be nasty to him when all he needs if for me to be soft, just for this moment. 

“The secrets don’t keep you up at night or make you scream yourself awake. The secrets don’t give you panic attacks that bring you to your knees in the middle of a battle.” He murmurs. My heart suddenly feels as though someone has their fist wrapping around it and is squeezing. I place a hand on my chest, my breath hitches. 

“I can handle it, Lea. I can’t handle you lying to me anymore. And I can’t handle you consistently putting other people first. Especially...Especially Saix.” I remind him. He turns to me with the expression of a wounded animal. 

“He was my best friend, Rueki.” Lea pleads.

“And he tortured me because he could, because he hates me all the way into his bones. You can’t change how much he loathes me, and you can’t change the fact that I will never forgive him. I don’t want to be the person to ask you to choose, but you could never possibly have the both of us in your life.” I insist. “I’m not going to forgive him, you should count yourself lucky that Xigbar had me occupied so I couldn’t skin that bastard alive.”

Lea steadies himself, he clears my throat. I tense, unsure of what to expect and why he suddenly looks like I killed his goldfish.

“Listen, you and Xigbar…” Oh fuck. “Whatever the two of you were, I don’t know if I can.. I just want to know what was--”

“Dude, I was kind of just talking out of my ass to piss you off.” I run a hand back through my hair, meeting him with an uneasy gaze. 

“What do you mean kind of?” He asks.

“I kissed him, I guess, if you want to get technical about it. But it was more like...I ground electric current into him and needed to get as close as possible to generate a force that threw him into a building.” I confess, rubbing the back of my head. Lea raises an eyebrow. I shrug and slowly, I watch a smirk curl across his features. He throws his head back and bursts out laughing. The sound is so fucking warming, my heart comes to life, my body is alight. The tension dissipates, my anger fades. I close the distance between the two of us and wrap my arms around him. He holds me tight, and all feels right, all feel settled. 

“You’re a nasty son of a bitch.” He chuckles.

“You didn’t realize that back when I called Ventus Prince Charming and you laughed at me so I kicked you in the shin?” I smile against the leather of his coat. For a moment, he hesitates, and it dawns on me so very abruptly that we haven’t had time to catch up on anything at all. He has heard the abridged version of my journeys with Kairi, but he doesn’t know that I woke up with all of my memories intact. His body stiffens as he pulls away from me.

“You remember?” He chokes and I nod. His hands grip the top of my arms suddenly, brutally, but the expression that graces his features, under only the light of the stars and the street lamps is enough to take my breath away. Pure elation looks so beautiful on him.

“Everything, down to those frisbees you used to carry around.” And just like that, he sweeps me into his arms, lifting me off of my feet. Quickly, I lock my legs around his waist, heart hammering as he kisses me with the same intensity he did in the Mysterious Tower. An intensity that can only exist, in the light of all of the hell we have been through. I drag my nails acros his scalp, he clutches the fabric of my shirt, the leather of his gloves trail up my abdomen. Everything inside of me clenches, tightens, beyond what I am capable of handling. After all this time, I am still a complete mess for him.

“We should head back home.” He breathes against my mouth. I shake my head.

“We’ll never get any privacy there.” I shake my head, because the floor of the living room of the house I once shared with Del and Amaya is hardly the place I want to have this reunion. 

“Rueks, we’ve got to find somewhere.” He insists, and I don’t disagree.

“I can think of a place.” And it also is not the place I want to have this reunion, but it is certainly preferable to a house filled with prying questions. I climb off of him, take his hand and don’t stop walking until we find our way inside the shed I woke up in.

I slam the door to the shed shut behind us and immediately twine my arms around Lea’s neck. He grabs the tops of my legs, lifting me into the air and then presses my back to the wall of the shed. The wall is cold against my skin, but his hands are so very hot as the grasp and graze my flesh. My skin prickles, my hips shift against him.

His lips are so fucking soft.

Lea exhales, pressing his forehead to mine as he pull away from me.

“Don’t stop.” I grab the tassels at the front of his robe and yank him forward, smashing his lips to mine. I am baffled, by after all this time, how he meets me with such perfect familiarity. As I tug at his lips with my teeth, he slides his tongue against my lips, dragging along where our lips meet, slipping ever so teasingly into my mouth. I grab his hair in handfuls, pressing my nails against his scalp. A growl starts at the base of his throat and every muscle in my body uncurls, one by one, at the very sound. He’s beautiful, he’s so fucking beautiful and here he is, arms around me, wanting me and only me to bring him to the edge.

Possessively, his hands find my ass, which he squeezes hard enough to make me gasp. Little noises leave my mouth, when his hands roam and he finds his way to the hem of my shirt, which he promptly yanks over my head. I press my chest to his, pert nipples flush against the leather of his coat, thanks to the cold weather. With me wedged safely between him and the wall, Lea’s hands dance across my newly exposed skin, along the curve of my waist, up my back, onto my neck and finally into my hair. He grabs my ponytail, winds it around his palm and yanks. With a cry, I arch into him, malleable in his hands as his lips crash down onto my neck. I savor the feeling as his teeth graze my sensitive flesh, his lips find my pulse point and he sucks. I groan, not even trying to stop myself as pathetic, needy sounds spill from my lips. 

“Fuck, Lea, I can’t wait to feel you inside me.” I breathe, and just like that, he stops, abruptly, slamming his palms on the wall behind us. He pants, so do I, my chest rising and falling as air floods my lungs, too much and not enough all in one.

“Rueks, I’m not gonna...it’s been so long..” He struggles.

“Spit it out.” I snap, because I’m wound so tightly, I’m already soaked. I need this.

“I’m not going to last long at all, so if you want this to be worth it for you, we’re going to need to--” He doesn’t need to say anymore. I unhook my legs from his waist and sink to the ground, grabbing the zipper of his coat in my wake. It yanks him forward, giving me the perfect angle to mash my lips into his. I’m all tongue and teeth, against his hot, wet mouth, violent and visceral in my actions. I hear him sigh as I drag my lower lip down his jaw, his neck, sucking and scraping as I tug his zipper down. He helps me, finishing off the zipper of his coat and shrugging it off. 

Withdrawing my mouth from his skin, I shove him back. He staggers, but I catch him by his hips as I sink to my knees, eyes locked onto his the entire time.

“Fuck, Rueki.” He breathes, running a hand back through my hair. Boldly, I take the zipper of his pants between my teeth and yank it down, slowy, refusing to break eye contact with him. He’s achingly hard, I feel his cock twitch, desperate beneath my touch as I unbutton his pants and yank them down to his ankles. He makes quick work of his boots and pants and then looks at me, expectantly, as I begin to palm his cock, through his boxers. His hips jerk, involuntarily. “Dammit!” He grabs my head, fingernails biting into my scalp in the most delicious way possible, as he squirms to find some purchase. He wasn’t lying to me, I can feel wetness against his boxers, his cock is weeping, dripping with precum. My stomach twitches as arousal burns through me. I could have so much fun with him. A grin like a razorblade cuts across my features, his eyes widen.

“How bad do you want this, Lea?” I tilt my head to the side, tracing the outline of his cock with a teasing finger. My touch is feather light. His hips spasm, I watch the muscles in his arms go rigid, perfectly tense. 

“You saying my name is not helping anything, sweetheart.” His voice cracks, I can hear the need in his tone the pleasepleaseplease. But instead of granting relief, I trace the tip of my tongue along the outline of his erection, through his boxers. He whines, a pathetic, beautiful little mewl that curls even my toes. “Rueki, baby, please.” He begs.

“You gonna scream for me?” My eyes flick up to his once again. He takes a wheezing, gasp of a breath.

“Sweetheart, I will do anything for you.” He assures me. I ponder, chewing my lip as I take his still clothed erection into my hand. I pump up his shaft and swipe my thumb across his head. He cries out, a gutteral sound and throws his head back. “Rueki!” His voice shakes as he says my name.

“Not loud enough.” I circle his head, through his boxers, with the tip of my tongue, watching as he thrashes beneath me. 

“Dammit, Rueki, what the fuck do you want?” He cries out, voice shattering. I put just enough distance between my mouth and his cock, to make him whine once more. Batting my eyelashes, I stare up at him with innocent, doe eyes.

“Just to hear you scream the name of the person most important to you, that’s all. You see, I just need some reassurance.” I walk my fingers up and down his thighs, brushing my nails across his perfect skin. He chokes, face contorting.

“Rueki!” He begs, loudly, as though every fiber in his being depends on it. It is not enough.

“That doesn’t really sound all that convincing if you ask me.” I tease my tongue along the slit in his boxers. His breath shakes.

“Rueki, please!” He’s louder this time, so very wanton. 

“You’re gonna need to do better than that if you want--”

“Rueki, please, let me fuck that perfect little mouth.” He screams. Victory fills me with a whole new sense of pride. I yank his boxers down, cover my teeth with my lips, and slam him into the back of my throat. He screams so loud, his voice shatters. I think I could cum from that sound alone. But instead, I do exactly as he begged, I grab his hips and guide him forward, my mouth descending on him with slick, sloppy motions. I swallow around his cock, watching him watch me. The pace I set is brutal, and were it not for the fact that he was already on the edge, I certainly would not have attempted to let him throat fuck me like this. But it is only a matter of moments before, engulfed in the wet heat of my mouth, that an orgasm rips through him. His face scrunches up like he has been met by an electric shock. He sputters and jolts beneath me, coming in my mouth. And, for all of the hell I have put him through, I am at least kind enough to swallow his seed, swollen lips still wrapped around his cock.

After he rides out the aftershock of his orgasm, I pull away, wiping saliva from my lips. He looks so perfectly undone, so completely satisfied from where he stands above me, but still, my conscience weighs on me.

“That wasn’t too much, was it?” I ask, brow coming together. It is like that, with him hovering over me, that I watch a dark expression cloud his features. I have seen this look on his face only a small handful of times. When unleashing Dusks on the Wizard in Oz, when confronting Marluxia. The man standing above me may no longer be a Nobody, but he is so very familiar with how delicious darkness can be.

In a movement too swift for my eyes to keep up with, he sinks to the floor and slams me on my back. Breath is torn from my lungs, and as I gasp for air, he tears my shorts down my legs. I hold my breath, fearing the buttons will pop off, but the fabric has enough give that he is able to fully remove them from my body. 

“You wanna act like a little bitch, Rueks?” His tone is experimental, devious, and yet anxious. He needs my confirmation, and this is a side of him that I need to see.

“Oh there’s no act. I am a bitch.” I leer back. He grabs my ankles and drags me along the dirty floor of the shed, niping the skin of my calves with his teeth. Promptly, he sets my legs on either side of his shoulders and descends, grabbing the thin fabric of my panties between his teeth. I wince, heart fluttering. His eyes on mine, he sets a very warm, very wet tongue against my panties, right at my cunt and slides it up so there’s just enough--but not enough, not by a long shot--pressure on my clit. My hips lurch and he shoves them down, with a bruising force.

“If you want to be a bitch, you better be prepared to get fucked like one.” With taunting movements he slides his fingers up and down my pussy, feeling the wetness as it soaks through my panties. The heel of his hand presses against my clit, but refuses to move. He grins at me, a twisted, crooked smile that would already have my stomach in knots, were he not between my legs. He lets his hand up, I wince, clenching as I try to buck my hips forward, but once again, he shoves them down. “You can dish it, but you can’t take it, sweetheart?” 

I can’t, he knows I can’t, and I remember what it feels like too have his tongue tease my clit. Pleasure climbs each rung in my spine as I formulate a desperate plan.

“Please, Lea.” I whimper, and his eyes go wide as I whimper his new name. I hear his breath sputter, watch the smile on his lips grow into something more genuine and less taunting. Arrogant fucker. 

“You trying to be good, all of a sudden, sweetheart?” He asks, choking on his words as he slowly slips my panties down my legs. The sudden burst of cool air on my soaking pussy is enough to leave me gasping, but I manage a shaky nod. He meets me in return with a wolfish grin, examining my soaked panties. My insides backflip, I realize what he is about to do, just as he licks my juices off the scrap of clothing. 

“Fuck.” I choke, my voice cracking. He chuckles.

“Oh, sweetheart, I don’t think you understand how nice it is to watch you come undone.” He leers.

“Then make me, Lea” I urge. He smirks, tracing the lips of my pussy with newly ungloved fingers. I clench again, wiggling my hips desperately against him. In the faint light of the shed, I can still see his fingers, glistening as he traces them across my slit. He’s so close, it’s almost enough, almost...but then he pulls his fingers away, before even the tips are inside of me. “Fuck!” I beg, arching my back, slamming my fists into the ground.

“You think you can just tease me and get away with it?” He asks. My next move is desperate, borderline pathetic, but I need this. I chew my lip and bat my eyes at him.

“Baby, I just wanna come now, so that I squirt when your cock is inside of me.”

I watch all of the color drain out of Lea’s face. He swallows, Adam’s apple bobbing. 

He looks so fucking beautiful.

“You’re good, Rueks.” He concedes, ducking his head between my legs. The sudden explosion of wet heat as his tongue slips along my clit is enough to make me scream. With slow, deliberate movements, he draws my aching bud between his lips and gently sucks. My eyes roll back, the muscles of my body go rigid, like the strings of a bow, drawn too tight. He nods his head, back and forth, lapping my juices, drawing as much of my wetness into his mouth as he can. He moans against me, the vibration of his lips sends shockwaves that radiate across my skin. I cry out, lacing my fingers through his hair, watching as he flicks his tongue across my clit. The slow lazy circles he traces are almost enough, almost.

And he slips a finger into me. 

“Oh!” I am so unbelievably tight around his finger, panic shoots through me as I wonder how I am possibly going to be able to take his cock. But with languid movements, Lea works me open, his mouth sucking, licking, drawing me in, fingers working deeper, deeper--

Until finally, I clench around him, throwing my head back as I scream, my orgasm washing over me as a white light washes over my world.

I twitch and sputter as I come down, eyes hazy as they meet his. He wipes his damp chin as he looks at me and climbs up, mouth finding mine with ease. I wrap my arms and legs around him, pushing myself so close to him, impossibly close until I feel his already hardened cock against my stomach.

That didn’t take long.

“You’re so fucking perfect, Rueki.” He breathes, forehead pressed to mine as I feel him lining himself up, I bite my lip, bracing myself to accomadate him. 

“I love you.” I whisper, feeling his head brush my entrance.

“I love you too, sweetheart. Now this time, I want to hear you scream my name.” Without any further warning, he slams his cock inside of me and a scream rips through my throat that I cannot hold back. The sheer effort that it is taking him not to jackhammer into me, although greatly appreciated, already has him dripping with sweat. He’s perfectly still, just for me, trying to give me a moment to adjust to the very new, very full sensation. Realization dawns on me. With the time we were dead, it has been nine months since I’ve felt him inside of me. Fuck, no wonder this is all too much--and just enough, fuck.

“Lea, move.” I urge, face contorted, and this is all the permission he needs to snap his hips into mine. The feeling of him stretching me is wicked, despite how utterly drenched my pussy is, but I find reprieve in digging my nails into his back. He’s unrelenting, unable to slow himself as he pounds into me, and within minutes, I hear him making little noises, trying, desperate grunts. This is also, approximately how long it takes for me to adjust, just enough, to find pleasure in his movements. He still fills me, but now, the sensation is not so impossible, but rather breathtaking. I shift my hips, clutching him desperately, but now, I rock in time with his movements, meeting him half way. 

“Fuck.” He breathes, lips finding my neck. I sigh, throwing my head back as he works into me, hips nudging my legs further apart. The shifting in our positions has me spread open, savoring every inch of him. We settle into a pace that leaves me needy, growing wetter by the second, longing to take as much of him as I can. For the initial pain has been altogether swept away and is now met with an allconsuming pleasure. I feel as though I could drown in him, as another orgasm starts to build. Lea groans, gripping my hips animalistically. The jerking of his hips slows, becomes irregular. I pull just enough away that I can see his face contorting with effort. 

“Come on, Lea, cum inside me.” I murmur, but he shakes his head, inhaling sharply.

“You first, Rueks.” But I’m not close enough yet. I know his body well enough, I know exactly what to expect of him and unless--

Huh…

“You still not afraid to play with fire?” I ask. His eyes spark and the grin that he meets me with is enough to make me weak in the knees. He draws away from me, just enough to tease my nipple, and I watch as the shed we are in is illuminated by the flames he traces across my skin. I had forgotten how earth shattering this sensation is. The delightful, hot tickling is enough to make me go cross eyed. He uses his other hand to trace the inside of my thigh, a fire igniting against my skin that tips me over the edge. I scream his name as I come undone and he picks back up, immediately, fucking me through my orgasm and into his. 

We lay there, sticky skin pressed against one another. He heaves and I watch the rise and fall of his shoulders above me with the sort of reverence one might reserve for a diety. 

“We should get rough with each other more often.” I laugh, voice light and breathy. He cackles, pressing a kiss to my forehead. In a swift movement, he hooks his arms around my waist and roll us over so that his back is pressed to the floor and I can rest easily atop his chest. The damage has been done though. Dirt is stuck to my sweaty back, but the gesture is certainly appreciated.

“Yeah? You think so?” He asks. “Cuz last time I checked, you couldn’t take the heat.” But as he speaks, his fingers walk along my spine and flames dance across my skin. I bite back a giggle or a moan or some combination of the two as I press my cheek into him. 

“Fuck you, I can too.” I insist. 

“You were begging within in seconds, sweetheart.” He snickers.

“You weren’t any better, screamer.” I reply. He squeezes me a little tighter and presses his lips to my temple. 

“Are we good, Rueki?” He asks. I tense a little against him, but nod.

“We’re good. We were always gonna be, it’s not like…” I take deep breath, trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want to say. Or rather what is safe. Can I really utter these words without them getting abused, or, more to the point can I say this without constantly worrying that he is going to turn my words around on me? Should I even really be worrying this? “There’s nothing you can do that I won’t forgive. I love you. I’m always going to love you. But I’m also not going to suddenly turn into the girl who lets you get away with shit that you don’t deserve to. That’s kind of our thing, isn’t it? You act like an asshole and I throw a tantrum until one of us decide we love the other more than we want to hurt the other. But the point is, Lea, I’m always going to be there for you during the big moments. I will not let you down, I will not let you fall apart without me there to catch the pieces. Whatever you are missing, I’ll make up for it. You’re my other half, you’re everything. And yeah, you’re a dick, but so am I and...like, fuck, I’m just glad to have you back. I missed you so much.”

“I don't know how I got lucky enough to get you, sweetheart. Have I told you that recently?” He asks me and I smirk.

“Not often enough to make up for how much of a cocky fucker you are.” I snicker. He ruffles my hair, laughs and for the first time since coming back to life, I truly do feel whole 

“Yeah, yeah laugh it up. We both know you love me.”

“I do.” I agree. He pauses, fingers woven into my hair as though he is savoring the moment, as though he is clinging to my words. “What?” I ask.

“Nothing. It's cold, let's get back home.” And we do, but inside of his arms, I am already home.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright friends so here's a fun little thing for you....This chapter features the whole Gummi Phone Instagram thing AND I made Rueki an instagram!!! It's 'Rueks4short', go follow it if you're into that kind of thing. I'm a reasonably okay artist, so don't expect any great works of art, but in case you guys were wondering how I visualize Rueki, what some of her outfits might look like or want to see comment wars between Del, Amaya, Rueki, Kairi, Lea and friends, you can check that out!

XIII. 

I wake up the following morning on the living room floor with Lea’s cock pressed against my ass and literally have to choke down a moan. I had sufficiently forgotten what it felt like to be woken up like this.

His fingers nimbly work open my shorts, I grind my ass against him and sigh as his fingers dip past my shorts, past my panties and brush my clit. 

“Fuck.” I breathe. From behind me, he shushes me, breath hot against my sweaty skin. He’s an oven, and between him, the oversized comforter and the fireplace burning in front of us, I could comfortably incinerate right here. This is what I have so thoroughly needed, this is what was missing. 

He works me open, his bare skin so delightfully hot as his thumb presses against my clit. Within moments, he is trying to silence me again, as depraved, wanton little noises start escaping my lips. I’m quiet enough, I’m sure no one else can hear us, but he seems convinced otherwise. One finger slips inside of me, then another, and I toss my head back as he starts to make scissoring motions, working me open, keeping me spread just for him. It is filling, delectable and then--

It is over. 

The sudden emptiness leaves me trembling, but before I have the chance to protest, he grabs my shorts and panties and, in one sweep yanks them down to my knees. I have just enough time to kick them off the rest of the way before I feel his cock dragging against my entrance. Deliberately, he lines himself up. I choke on a wavering breath just as he rams his cock inside of me. 

The cry that tears from my lungs could easily wake the rest of the house up, but Lea is quick. He clamps a hand over my mouth, muffling me down to almost nothing. Surprisingly, the gesture is sexy the domination that accompanies him being fully sheathed inside of me is enough to work me up further. As his hand falls away, he steadies himself, as though trying to give me time to adjust, a little less desperate than he was yesterday, but today, I need no time to adjust. Undoubtedly I’m still pleasantly sore from the previous evening, though I would never complain about this type of pain, and to show him just how very ready I am, I grind myself against him, savoring the hitch in his breath as I press my ass into him.

Slowly, deeply, he starts working into me and it is all I can take to stay quiet. My breathing grows heavy, I choke on small, strangled moans. From behind me, I feel one of his hands begin to trace my jaw line, my lower lip, and finally, seal itself against my mouth.

“Somehow, I don’t trust you not to wake everyone up, sweetheart. Don’t take it as an insult, I just know how good I am.” He breathes, voice hot and low at my ear. His words tighten the coil in my abdomen, curl my toes, arch my back. I hate him, he’s irritating as all hell, he’s cocky to a fault. And I love all of him. 

At the incessant working of my hips against his, he seems to take this as more than permission to move. With an arm snaked around my middle and his other hand clamped to my mouth, Lea bucks into me, furiously, hips jackhammering. My cries are muffled against his hands, and between the barely audible grunts he makes and the sound of his skin slipping across the blankets, there is just enough quiet for me to focus on the wet, smacking sounds of him drilling his cock into me. And despite the pace, this incredible closeness makes his movements nearly sensual. He wants me, he loves me. 

The fingers that once sat against my stomach now find their way to my clit as his hips snap against me. My stomach lurches, and soon enough, I clench around him, moaning into his hand, face contorting as a beautiful euphoria ripples through me. He comes almost immediately after me, hips twitching, spasming as he tips over the edge. My shoulders is his gag, and I’m certain that his bite will mark my skin for days, but the fact of the matter is, I simply do not care.

Post ogasmic bliss settles in, my limbs tingle, my skin is flushed and hot. I could happily die in his arms right here and now, but instead, I pull my shorts back up as he slips out of me and buttons his pants. 

At the very least, we won’t have made a mess on Del and Amaya’s blankets. I suppose even the two of us do have some manners.

“I love you so fucking much Lea.” I sigh, settling in against him.

“I think I might love you more.” He says. I laugh, dryly, loudly, and instantly regret it. Because Amaya comes out of her room and down the hall, feather light footsteps the only indicator of her presence. Our short lived, beautiful moment is just that: short lived. I want to whine, but it won’t fix anything. I sigh and rise, scrambling out of our makeshift bed. Get to Radiant Garden, meet up with Merlin, get strong enough to annihilate Xehanort and his thirteen assholes, get this war over with, and then I can spend my days lazing around and fucking Lea all hours of the day. When this war is over, we are going to be lazy and lavish and no power in this realm is going to stop us. 

Amaya’s eyes regard me fondly as I tread from the living room into the kitchen.

“Morning.” I run a hand back through my hair.

“You're up! I didn't mean to wake you, sorry.” Amaya says, crouching down to retrieve a bottle from the refrigerator. My skin prickles. 

“You didn't, I've been up for a little while.” Not disrespecting your house. “Lea is like a furnace, I never thought I'd wake up sweating here.”

“I'm glad you two found each other. Really, Rueki, if you would've answered your phone you could've saved yourself a lot of trouble.” She admonished. I press my lips together.

“Yeah, but then I never would've met Kairi, and then where would I be?” Because I cannot stomach the thought of tucking my tail between my legs and accepting my faults. I have already done plenty of setting my pride aside for this week. 

“Your phone has a lot of other cool things on it too. There’s this app called Kingstagram, it’s awesome. I post a lot of pictures of my repairs and of Lucidia on my account.” She confesses. I make a face.

“Is that all it is? Pictures?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Yeah, but it’s fun! And if you keep track of your journeys, Del and I can see what you’re up to. We can comment and keep in touch.” She replies.

“But everyone knows what I look like, why do I need to post pictures?” I ask.

“You’re impossible. Heat this up for me?” Amaya chuckles and hands the bottle over to me with a tender sort of hopefulness in her eyes. I snatch the bottle from her hand. 

“Fire.” 

“When did you start learning magic?” She asks as I give her back the bottle, sufficiently heated.

“Can't jam anything into Knuckles for synthesis.” I shrug. 

“You've wanted to learn for so long….” She tucks a piece of her choppy hair behind her ear. A sensation warms my insides, a sort of half remembered nostalgia takes ahold of me, urging me toward something, anything. I can't remembered. My face contorts. Why, for a moment did I visualize a younger Amaya with blue eyes? This makes no sense… I cast aside the feeling and nod. “But you haven't learned until now. Is this because this will be the most dangerous part of your journey so far?” She asks. I shrug, suddenly uninterested in meeting her eyes. Lea is awake, I know he is, and I'm a little bit pissed at him for just faking being asleep while I am getting grilled by my friend. 

“It's...not going to be easy.” I say evenly, trying to keep my voice perfectly level. Amaya doesn't pout though, she doesn't whine or complain or urge me to stay put and allow the worlds to go to hell with me safely tucked away in this world. She just reaches out and squeezes my hand. 

“Please, stay alive.” Her voice is velvet, honey, soft and soothing and I want nothing more than to promise her the world. I offer her a half smile and close the distance between the two of us, my arms locking tight around her. The gesture is primarily for her, not me, but the longer we are wrapped in embrace, the more I find myself needing this comfort. The whole debacle with the seven lights and thirteen darknesses seems far off, impossible, distant and unreal, especially in light of everything Lea and I have had to catch each other up on. There's so much going on, none of it feels real, but it is. It is incredibly real, I know it won't be much longer before Xigbar and I have to square off again...before I have to beg Lea for forgiveness beside Saix’s lifeless body. He may have pleasant memories of Isa but nothing in this world could be so pleasant to prompt me to offer forgiveness to that monster. 

I can't promise Amaya perfection, I can't promise I will not return and require more prosthetics than her. But I can promise…

“I will do my damndest. No matter what, I will try with everything I have in me to stay alive.” I assure her. 

“I'll be sure she drags her ass back here in one piece, Amaya. Got it memorized?” Oh now he decides to stop pretending to be asleep?

“Thank you, Lea.” Amaya beams as she pulls away from me. “If the two of your are hungry, I could get started on some pancakes as soon as I feed Lucidia.” 

“Maya, we don't want to trouble you, we should probably --”

“That would be pretty damn fantastic Amaya. Want Rueki and I to start waking up Kairi and Del?” Lea asks, wrapping his arms securely around me waist from behind. He sets his chin atop my head and while the gesture is inherently cute, I know he is only doing this to keep me from shoving him aside and bolting to the Gummi Ship.

“Oh no rush, let them sleep in. Thank you though, Lea!” Amaya chirps before heading out of the kitchen and back down the hall. 

“I'm never going to get children out of you, am I?” Lea murmurs, mouth hot at my eat. Perhaps for the first time in our entire relationship, I catch myself blushing. I tuck my hair behind my ear and, with a sense of agitation, I shove him away and busy myself by grabbing a glass of water.

“What is it with you and wanting to lay around and be lazy?” Says the woman who was just fantasizing about the day that Lea and I are able to sleep in. He chuckles and meets me at the counter I now am against and presses how hips to mine. My stomach back flips, my toes curl. He slips his fingers through the belt loops of my shorts.

“Probably the same thing as you wanting to constantly run away from your friends. You realize they're great, don't you?” He asks.

“In case you've forgotten, there's a veiny headed bald man that wants to basically destroy the world and you Kairi are both necessary players in stopping said man.” I remind him with a deep sigh that rocks me back into him. His lips find my neck and ghost across my skin. 

“And in case you've forgotten, a lot of the past decade of our lives have sucked, these little moments that don't are what keeps me going. And I've got a feeling if you loosened up for about fifteen seconds, you'd feel the same.” And he's right, of course he is, but his approach pisses me off. Before I can elbow his towering, delicious body away from me, light footsteps, though not as light as Amaya’s fill the room. I turn to where Kairi shuffles in, rubbing her eyes. Her hair is pulled up in a messy ponytail, she's wearing an old nightgown of Amaya's and now, a sour expression.

“Oh, you guys made up.” She mutters.

“Inevitably.” I reply. And Kairi knows, thanks to our fun little memory swap in the Mysterious Tower. And I think it is that very exchange that softens her expression a little. 

“I'm happy for you on principle, because you're my friend, but seriously Rueki, if you ever discover that you can do better, I could totally hook you up with Riku, just so you know.” She informs me as she tucks intro the refrigerator, thoroughly making herself at home. 

“You hear that? You better behave yourself.You've got competition.” I inform him, bumping my hips to his. He catches me in his hands and presses his lips to my temple. 

“Oh I'm not worried about competition, sweetheart. I know how hooked on me you are, got it memorized?” He grins. I offer Kairi a look like ‘what are you gonna do about it’ and shrug.

“Why do I get the feeling you two are absolutely nauseating to be around?” She asks.

“Oh, you mean like you and Sora?” I counter. She turns the same color as her hair.

\--

With the hugs and the promise of a reunion, Lea, Kairi and I depart after breakfast, for Radiant Garden. For Kairi and I, this means a greeting from our friends, my family, one more moment of bliss before we begin our training. For Lea, it is the chance to get interrogated by my godfather. 

“Well lookie here. The prodigal daughter returns. After that little note of yours, you’d have gotten an earful if you didn’t come back so soon.” Cid flicks his toothpick as he meets me with a lazy smile. He's fussing at his computer, Leon, Yufffie, Ienzo and a bearded old man sit at the kitchen table. 

“Sorry, it was kind of an emergency, Kairi and I had to go. But we’re good now.” I say. I'm about to ask where Aerith is, when she emerges from the kitchen with teacups and a teapot on a tray. 

“Oh hello, it's good to see you!” She smile.

“Yeah, we didn't expect you back for at least another month.” Yufffie grins, leaning precariously back in her chair. “I mean everyone knows you're too stubborn to sit still for a moment.”

“Hey, Yuffie, remember that one time I told you that you could take Kairi's place as my best friend? I'm retracting that.” I grumble. She cackles. 

“Ienzo.” Lea offers the younger man a nod. Ienzo gives a small wave.

“Rueki, Lea, it's fantastic to see you've found each other.” Ienzo smiles an incredibly genuine smile.

“So you're Lea.” Cid is away from the computer and standing dangerously close. Kairi takes this moment as an opportunity to bolt away from us and over to Yuffie, Ienzo and the others. I, on the other hand, am just so amused at how Cid squares his shoulders, trying to look intimidating to a man six inches taller and infinitely more dangerous than him. Lea shifts his weight, trying to decide whether to look fearful or not. Distantly, I recall Cid chasing him and Isa around with a baseball bat when we were children because they made me cry, and I suppose it must be quite hard to block out those memories. 

“In the flesh.” Lea offers the sort of sideways half smile that never fails to make my heart flutter.

“Watch yourself boy. Rueki may like you well enough, but you're forgetting, all I remember you as, is the little shit kid who chased my goddaughter around.” Cid reminds him, with a stony expression. 

“Is this the part where I'm supposed to pretended to be afraid of him?” Lea stage whispers to me, forcing Cid into a fiercer glare. I'm not going to lie, I just find this too funny.

“At least for the sake of his pride, yes, that would be ideal.” I nod, stage whispering back. Cid heaves a great sigh. 

“Listen, kid, you were supposed to be on my side for this.” Cid informs me. I grin.

“Alright, old man. Tell me this, did you really raise me to not give him the third degree myself?” I raise an eyebrow. Cid snorts. 

“Alright, alright.” He concedes.

“Besides, I had a grand total of two people propositioning me. Lea and Braig. Would you have preferred Braig?” I set a hand on my hip. Lea is grinning from ear to ear, and I'd like to say I'm being a good girlfriend and defending Lea, but truly I am living for the disgusted look on Cid’s face.

“Braig…” He mumbles.

“Guess you're not the only one who thinks I look like my mom.” I shrug. Cid looks as though he might be sick. 

“Lea, welcome to the family.” Cid grumbles. I crack a smirk, Lea curls an arm around my waist and kisses my temple before we go to join Kairi and the others at the table. 

“Ahh, our Keybearers.” Merlin greets my redheads with a loopy, eccentric sort of enthusiasm, though I get the feeling that he is equal parts crazy and genius and he likely finds it an utter inconvenience that us mere mortals cannot keep up with him. “Lea, Kairi, what experience do you have with your respective Keyblades?” 

Kairi answers with a cat like grin on her face.

“I can fight with mine, I can't do any raids or anything fancy. Rueki and I did some training though, I don't hit as hard as she does, but basic attacks and defense are fine by me.” Kairi nods. Lea’s face loses color. He looks purposefully up at the ceiling and itches his neck. My heart leaps out for him. Oh, my poor baby. He’s one hell of a fighter and his mind is dangerous to boot, but I sincerely doubt he has had any sort of practice with a Keyblade.

“Boy, the wizard is speaking to you.” Cid claps Lea on the shoulder and I prove that I am a traitor, loyal to only my own cause because I burst out laughing.

“Thanks a lot, Rueks.” Lea grumbles.

“Oh baby, I promise I’ll make it up to you.” I wave my hand.

“With cookies and fucking candy, sweetheart.” Cid grumbles, a grumpy look twisting his face. 

“Sure, sure.” I wave my hand.

“She calls me daddy too, old man.” Lea murmurs under his breath and I punch him as hard as I can in his side. Hard enough that he wheezes, hard enough that Aerith covers her face, Leon excuses himself and Yuffie and Kairi double over in hysterics, clutching one another. 

“I need a fucking drink.” Cid mutters to himself and follows Leon into the kitchen. Merlin, however, seems quite unbothered and merely clears his throat, as though he finds most human interaction to be this completely stupid. 

“Anyhow, Lea, your level of experience please.” Merlin prompts. Lea clears his throat.

“Novice, I’d say.” Lea mutters, vaguely, and truly I don’t know what other answer I’d expect from him.

“More specifically?” Merlin inquires. Finally, Lea sighs.

“I summoned my Keyblade. Twice. On accident.” Once again, Kairi bursts out laughing, pounding her fist on the table, and Lea looks mortified. “Look, it’s a lot different than fighting with Charkams and fire and--”

“Sounds like a really lame excuse for someone who can’t get their blade up.” Kairi leers and then, her eyes flick to me. “Look, Rueki, if you ever want a real Keybearer, stick with me.” She winks.

“This whole making amends thing is getting hard as hell.” Lea groans, though Merlin has no time for such childish behavior. 

“And Rueki, of course, you're here to learn magic.” Merlin nods. “Do you have any experience to speak of?”

“A little bit. I've mastered the fourth tier of thunder magic, and I've got a decent handle on third tier fire and zero gravity spells. I can conjure a basic blizzard spell, but I haven't had any luck with defensive magic.” I explain. Merlin hums, as though I am supposed to somehow understand what that means. He strokes his beard and I have no idea hot to respond, so I just keep babbling. “I don't know if this helps, but I am connected to Sora though an empathy link. I'm relatively comfortable traversing and manipulating that, to the point where I was able to walk through Sora’s dreams. Ienzo said that might be because I have some sort of latent magical ability.” Merlin still looks as dreamy and distant as ever and now I am internally cringing at the fact that I just told a Wizard how to do his job. But Merlin purses his lips, brow furrowed as he looks thoughtfully at me.

“Magic, perhaps not. Though there certainly is something…” Merlin agrees, stroking his beard. “You're an Alchemist by trade, no?” Oh, he was scanning me. Some strange, magical type of scan, but a scan nonetheless. It's odd though, alchemy isn't something that came naturally to me. I worked my ass off, spent hours buried in books, practiced and perfected, and while I would certainly say I'm comfortable with alchemy, I don't think my skill is anything to write home about. It's not something that is impossible to learn. Energy plus supplies equals output. 

“I mean yeah.” I reply. 

“Magic is very much different. An art rather than a science, but alternatively, if you're comfortable with gray area, it can be far less taxing on the body.” Merlin explains and I am not comfortable with gray area. I hate that my success with magic is sporadic and nonsensical. I don't like a lack of clarity but I am very aware that relying on alchemy is a handicap. Between carrying around supplies, waiting for synthesis and the waste of energy, magic does make more sense. Not to mention that lugging around a Claw is a lot more slowing than wielding Knuckles. 

“Right, well. I want to learn.” Because I don't really know what to say to him. This could suck, this very well could be miserable, but I'm determined and, if nothing else, stubborn. 

“Good, very good. We will travel at once then. I know of a place where time does not exist, a place where the lot of us can train, uninterrupted.” Merlin proclaims.

“Time doesn’t exist?” Kairi inquires, tilting her head to the side, red hair spilling vibrantly against her freckled shoulders.

“It is utterly irrelevant inside the forest. We may simply train to our hearts content, train until each of you are able to hold your own against Xehanort and his thirteen darknesses. Master Yen Sid has warned me, this will be quite a danger for all of you, a nearly impossible one, even with this training. The odds alone are--”

“Oh, keep yapping, you old winbag.” Cid has finally emerges from the kitchen, toting a small glass of an amber colored liquid. “Don’t you pay him no mind, Rueki. There’s such a thing as being too cautious and it’s easy to do when you don’t got no common sense.” 

“Alternatively, there is such thing as being too reckless, especially when one is not experienced in their craft.” Merlin prickles, narrowing his eyes at Cid. This is the first time I’ve seen the two alone in a room together, and yet I get the distinct impression that they are two sides of the same coin, too similar and too different to function.

“Just use your brain and show some teeth, you’ll be fine kid.” Cid nods. “And if not, I’ll bring your happy ass back to life, just to kill you myself.”

“Okay, we need to get out of here before you two start sounding more similar.” Lea shakes his head. I bark out a laugh, because he is so right. Word for word, I am certain I have said exactly what Cid did, and using my brain and showing some teeth is my solution to most things in life. “I really don’t need to see the old man’s face the next time I--”

“Kid, there’s not enough alcohol in this house for me to be okay with you finishing that statement.” Cid warns. Lea’s reply is a twisted, crooked grin. I, on the other hand, already have plans to inquire about the end of that statement, in this magical place where time does not exist. We are going to have a lot of fun.

“Could you two stop for like five seconds?” Kairi waves a hand, her mouth pressed together. “Merlin, how secure is this place you’re taking us to?” Kairi asks, and I am thankful that I have someone here to keep my mind on track and not force me to be the voice of reason between Lea and Cid, a feat that would be borderline impossible in the first place. 

“Impenetrable, I’m certain.” Merlin nods, then his face twists up. “Or, well, if one were to attempt to penetrate it, the odds of it being impenetrable would be--”

“It’s fine, Kai.” I nod, taking a step toward her. “Between the group of us, we can take down anyone that might pop up. You’ve got a handle on how to wield your Keyblade, and Lea and I both have enough experience dealing with Organization XIII to know how to take them down.” And I think specifically of Saix and how I cannot wait to hear him scream while electric current tears through his body. Her indigo eyes flick up to mine, she tucks her hand beneath her chin and chews her lip.

“I’m not getting treated like a damsel again, Rueki. My light has been a weakness since the day our Island was taken. People trying to use it against me, against Sora and Riku. I have been treated like a child, like a victim, I have been locked away and kidnapped at every chance and because of that, Sora and Riku haven’t trusted me to come with them, to fight alongside them. I don’t want to be protected anymore, I don’t want to get in the way of anyone’s training and I don’t want anyone distracting me from my own. I want to be as confident as you are that I can eliminate any threat that comes our way.This time, I’m not going to be a damsel, and I’m not going to let anything stop me from getting stronger. This time, I’m going to be the one protecting my friends. No one is going to get hurt because I don’t know how to hold my own.” I see the fire in her eyes, the determination. My mind floods with a hot, tingling numbness. I see her bubbly face, I see her bright eyes, but instead of red hair, I see short, dark hair. Instead of fair, freckled skin, I see a deep tan and rosy cheeks.

‘I’m not a sham’. 

What, who was--

But I don’t even remember to forget the face. It disappears from my mind as fast as I visualize it. I blink away the haze, the fog and as I do, Lea looks at me with a scrunched up, confused face. I shake my head.

“We’ll get you trained, Kairi. I’ve seen what you’re capable of. We fight too well alongside each other to not help each other kick ass when it is time for the final battle.” I remind her. She meets me with a grin and a thumbs up. 

“Of course. Our boys are helpless without us.” She giggles. I laugh in return.

“You gonna argue on that one?” Cid asks, raising an eyebrow at Lea.

“Nah, she’s not wrong.” Lea nods.

“Good kid, you keep telling her that, and I won’t hit you with a bat.” Cid nods.

“That sounds like a pretty good deal, old man.” Lea nods.

“Now, ahem.” Merlin clears his throat, and I feel, were he only speaking to Cid and I, and not two of the seven lights, he very well may roll his eyes. “If there are no further concerns, I suggest the four of us depart, immediately.”

“What, and deprive me of a dinner with my goddaughter?” Cid snorts. 

“Cid.” I sigh, running a hand through my hair. And this is so unfair, although I might only be gone for a matter of seconds to him, it doesn’t seem right that so soon after being reunited, I am going to be torn away from him. I’ve brought Lea home to him, I am in a decent mental state as it stands right now, and I do want to stay here with him and I did want to stay with Del and Amaya. It is unfair, but I am restless, I need to get this training done. I need to see the end of the Keyblade War, I need to do my part to prevent darkness from prevailing. Another fucking mountain to climb, but I hope, against all odds, that this is the final one. That in the next valley, I will find peace. 

“The old man’s right, Rueks.” Lea says. I grit my teeth.

“Lea, seriously, we need to--”

“Time doesn’t exist, Rueks, we can afford one more evening.” Lea insists. I swear, this asshole is going to drive me nuts.

“That is correct, being that time is irrelevant you could quite literally arrive moments before the final battle and still have hundreds of years worth of training completed by the start of the battle.” Merlin agrees, with the vigorous nod of his head. The level of side eye that I shoot him is insurmountable. Is it bad that I'm already dreading studying beneath this guy? 

“Awe hell, ya loon, that doesn't mean it's a good idea to wait.” Cid shakes his head and for that, I am eternally thankful. 

“Certainly not.” Merlin huffs. “However it is not prudent to underestimate the power of magic.”

“It also isn't prudent to underestimate the power of a quarter ounce of common sense.” Cid grumbles. Merlin visibly prickles.

“Now see here!” He starts, but Cid wheels me around and starts walking away.

“Don't mind the Wizard, kid.” He pats my shoulder and then, when I don't relax, he laughs. “You're losing your damn mind with all this sitting still, aren't you?”

“No disrespect to you, but I'm one hundred percent losing my shit.” I sigh.

“Eh, I'm not surprised. You've always been antsy.” He shrugs.

“Since I was a kid?” I raise an eyebrow.

“You know, I'd like to tell you that you matured and are a more profound person or something, but you just ain’t kid. You’re the same, foul mouth and all.” He teases. 

I don’t plan to spend the afternoon painting nails and trying to figure out which lipstick to pack for our travels, with Kairi. But that is exactly how I spend the afternoon. As soon as Cid releases his hold on me, Lea acts distracted and evasive and asks Cid to show him to some of the shops in town, and when I offer to instead, Lea just waves a hand at me and tells me he’s not helpless. I roll my eyes at him, but accept the fact that he doesn’t want to have to spend the afternoon tiptoeing around Kairi’s grudge. Momentarily, I feel guilty, but I don’t have a doubt in my mind that she will forgive him. Unwillfully, her heart has likely already forced her, but I know Lea. It is literally impossible not to like him, I know, I’ve tried, and I don’t think someone as playful and clever as Kairi could actually dislike him if the current circumstances were able to be wiped away. 

If she can forgive me, she can forgive him, and I know how hard it is to weather a storm, but I know her storm will seem like a drizzle compared to the one Saix brought down upon me. And I will not let Lea face it alone. 

Lazily, Kairi and I sprawl across the bed that is kind of, sort of mine as she plays on my phone and tries to explain things to me. I tell her about the Kingstagram thing Amaya told me about and Kairi huffily downloads the app and makes me an account, as though she cannot believe how hard I am struggling with technology. I remind her that I’ve never had a phone, and she insists that she never has either, but at least has some common sense.

“I swear, Rueki. You can be so much like Sora sometimes.”

“I’m really not.” I reply flatly, as I think to myself that, of any of my boys, I am more like Neku than anything. I chew my lip as I scroll through Kingstagram, trying to find traces of him or Shiki and I do, but it is disheartening. Both of their accounts have not been updated in years, and some of the last photos on either of their pages are Neku and a girl with short black hair and glasses smiling at the dog statue I remember from Shibuya. It is odd, I think, that both of their accounts heavily feature that girl with black hair. She is, undeniably cute, but I think it is odd that the two both know her and seem quite close with her, and yet, have never brought her up. More to the point, Shiki’s account features very few photos of herself. The only times she even makes appearances in the pictures are in cute designs, striking a pose, with the caption ‘design by Eri, outfit by me’. Eri, I wonder, is that the dark haired girl?

“Rueki!” Kairi grins. “Take a picture with me, we can post it to your account, I already followed Del and Amaya for you.” She informs me. 

“We took pictures already!” I remind her. She rolls her eyes, but scrolls through the photos on my phone, announcing stupid things like ‘I hate my shoulders look in this one’ and ‘I’m not even looking at the camera’. I guess I get it though, because each picture she decides she likes, I look like shit in. Finally, we resolve to post a mutually tolerated picture of me with my arm bent, elbow propped on a table in the library, with my chin in my hand. Kairi holds the camera and has it angled toward us, a huge smile on her face. I suppose my visible eyebrow looks good in the picture, my eyes look pretty, and Kairi is literally glowing.

“What do you wanna caption it with?” She asks.

“Dealer’s choice.” I wave a hand at her.

“Let’s do ‘me and bae’.” She nods. 

“Bae.” It is more a statement than a question, because I get the jist of what she means, but hell, I don’t think it will be long before I cannot even keep up with these teens anymore. I’m twenty, and already rapidly on the decline. Cool.

“Would you rather some corny caption like ‘hey guys I'm on Kingstagram now’?” She raises an eyebrow. 

“Um yeah, I definitely would.” I tell her. She grumbles something about me being basic under her breath, which is fair and types out a new caption.

“First post, best post. There's a good chance this account will be primarily updated by Kairi.” She announces.

“Much better.” 

And that is the general mood for the evening. Kairi and I act like goofs, Aerith cooks dinner, Leon and Yuffie go off to meet up with someone named Tifa, Ienzo departs for the castle, Merlin spends his time reading. Dinner is ready by time Lea and Cid get back and when they arrive, their heads are tucked together, quite a feat for Lea who has to hunch over to speak in secrecy with my godfather.

“Are you to buddies now?” I raise an eyebrow as I take a seat at the table. 

“Oh, best friends.” Is Lea's sarcastic answer, and he doesn't say another word on the topic. It is warming, however, to see how fantastically he fits into part of my little would be family, and by the end of the night, Kairi is at least acknowledging when he speaks. Her words are forcibly polite, but I suppose this is a start.

“Now,” Merlin begins, immediately after dinner, with the flourish of his wand. “Is everyone ready?” 

And it is as simple as that, as easy as a few words, that we depart for a mystical, timeless forest.


	14. Chapter 14

XIV. 

Kairi wakes Lea and I up with her lips at my ear and a spark in her voice. 

“I'm so glad you're dressed.” I nearly leap in the air at her voice, body hot and sluggish after being wrapped so tight around Lea. The sudden jolt at her presence results in my elbowing Lea in the nose. Kairi bursts into a fit of giggles, I catch my breath, hand on my heart and Lea clutches his nose as he makes a strangled sound. 

“Fuck, Kairi.” I mutter, under my breath as I try to come back with something witty. “You know, you lucked out, I wouldn't count on us being fully clothed on the regular.” I inform her. She shrugs. 

“Sounds like you better learn to wake up on your own then.” She replies, with mischief in her eyes. As I struggle on my way toward consciousness, I notice that Kairi has her hair pulled up into a high ponytail and is not wearing her usual dress, but a pair of pink yoga shorts, a white tank top, tied off at the bottom and a black sports bra. She looks ready for combat and excited to boot. 

“What time is it?” I ask, and through our bedroom window, I do see the sun shining through the trees though that is not surprising. I don't think the sun set at all last night.

“I'm not really sure it matters here. Anyhow, Merlin said it's time to start training and to come wake you guys up.” She says.

“Come on, time doesn't exist in this place, can't we just sleep for a month or a decade or something?” Lea mutters, voice sounding strained and nasal as he moves his hands away from his likely tender nose. Kairi raises an eyebrow. 

“Are you sure you're not a Keyblade wielder? I'd feel a lot better fighting some evil old man at your side than at his.” Kairi informs me. Lea's face goes gravely serious. He runs a hand through his half fallen, incredibly matted hair and meets her with a furrowed brow and tired eyes.

“Kairi, you've got no idea how sorry I am. Seriously. If I could do one of those memory things to you like Rueki did, I would because I...I was as an asshole and you were collateral damage, but I never wanted to wrong you. I just wanted to get Roxas back. He was the only chance Rueki and I had to get away from Organization XIII. I get it, you have no reason to trust me, but I really did think that was the only option.” He swears, so genuine, so vulnerable, so utterly unlike him. I don't know if he's doing this because he knows how much Kairi means to me and the good she's done for me, or if he truly wants to make amends for himself, but the gesture warms me from the inside. My heart melts. Kairi on the other hand looks sick and sallow. She climbs out of our bed, tucks a stray piece of her face frame behind her ear and stares pointedly out the window. 

“There are clothes for training in your dresser. Meet down at the arena in fifteen minutes.” And with that, she retreats, leaving only the sound of her sneakers hitting the floor in her wake. Lea’s face is hard when I look at him, closed off. 

“Babe --” I start, but he tears out of bed, throwing the blankets aside and to the ground. My eyes go wide. He yanks down his boxers and barrels into the bathroom. I leap out of bed to chase after him but by time I get to the bathroom door, it is locked. Dammit. I huff, knuckles going white around the door knob. Okay, I tell myself, I can be patient with him, I can soothe him through this. He needs me right now, and so does Kairi and it's a hell of a rock and a hard place with these two, but this is nothing I cannot conquer. Certainly I lack the finesse required to sweet talk either of these two, but perhaps I can work my lack of tact in my favor. Or at the very least, swallow my utter discomfort long enough to get them working toward something near cordial. 

I resolve to let him cool down, figuring I can shower after training today. I don't know why he wants to be so high maintenance, but I'm sure we'll work up enough of a sweat today where I'll want to shower afterward. I quickly change out of the oversized shirt I wore to bed and into an outfit I find in my drawer. True to Kairi's words, there are enough clothes in these drawers to last us months without having to do laundry. I pull on a loose black crop top, black yoga shorts and a red sports bra, yank on my sneakers and have brushed out half of my hair when Lea comes out of the bathroom, water literally steaming off of his bare chest. A towel hangs just loose enough around his waist to reveal the perfect ‘v’ of his hip bones and thoroughly distract me. What the fuck? He’s gotten sexier over night, he must have, this isn't fair. I'm nearly salivating and he has changed into a pair of khaki joggers and a black v-neck by time I get my brain into a functional state. He doesn't look at me as he starts to spike his hair, but I still go to him, wrapping my arms tightly around him from behind, savoring the feeling of his lean, muscular back against me. 

“You tried. Thank you.” I say in an intentionally cautious voice. “You're amazing and I love you.” I squeeze him gently. In the mirror, however, he regards me as though I am some strange gremlin like creature. A nuisance. Oh hell, this hurt him more than I thought it would. 

“Oh, I know I tired. And just so you're aware, I don't give a flying fuck about your little friend's approval. She can have her feelings, I don't need people to like me. I'm better off playing the bad guy.” He sneers in a voice laced with venom. I flinch behind him and squeeze tighter. 

“Don't. You're better than that. You know the world isn't so black and white, you're not some bad stereotype of a villain. And you don't need to act like you are one to avoid getting hurt. I'm proud of you, I love you and I know first hand how far you've come. Just keep trying with her.” I plead. 

“Fat chance, sweetheart. I'm not a glutton for punishment. You wanna get back at me for what Isa did to you by buddying up with her, that's --”

“Don't fucking start with this shit, Lea.” I warn, tensing against him. 

“All I'm saying, is I don't need to be anyone's hero. Not hers, not yours. It doesn't fucking bother me.” But he's over enunciating and waving his hands with a flourish and I know him well enough to see through this mask he is so intent on wearing. 

“I understand that you're upset, and if you wanna be a dick, that's on you.” I start. Lea tears away from me, mouth a hard line. He yanks on his boots, I groan. 

“I'm not being a dick, it's great to know whose side you're taking though.” He throws his hands up.

“Dude, you will win her over, but be patient and keep trying. I love you so much and if I can fall head over heels for you anyone can, cuz in case you missed it, I'm the worst and I hate everyone.” I snap. He stops in his tracks and for a moment I swear I can literally see the adrenaline radiating off of him. His entire body is screaming fight or flight, and I am fully prepared for a screaming match. 

But Lea is as unpredictable as the element he has mastered. Abruptly, his shoulders fall, he turns to me with parted lips and soft eyes and I quickly race over to him and throw my arms around him. He squeezes me back crushingly tight, but I don't mind at all. I clutch the fabric of his shirt and bury my face in his chest. He sighs against me, fingernails scraping my back. 

“It’s so hard to come back from --”

“I know. But you will. You always manage to win me back.” I remind him, rubbing his back. 

“Yeah.” He snorts. “Even though I'm a fucking dick to you.”

“I always manage to even the score.” I squeeze him. I draw away, arms still hooked around his waist. I lean up on my toes. He sighs and meets me halfway so that I can press my lips to his. “She forgave me and the whole kidnapping thing was my idea. I've told you before to trust me, to set your baggage on me and let me figure things out for you. Let me take care of you, let me take care of this.”

“These aren't your mistakes to atone for.” He murmurs.

“No, maybe not. But I can help. So let me try to be not an asshole and do something nice for once.” I urge squeezing his sides. Lea offers me a half grin, not pacified completely, but certainly in a better state than he was at the start of the morning. 

“I love you, Rueki.” He pats my side.

“I love you too, now let's go train before we get accused of being late.” I nod. He raises an eyebrow.

“You only brushed half of your hair.” He says.

“Its fine.” I reply and grab a hair tie out of the dresser. I loop my hair into a ponytail and Lea sighs.

“Why don't you just cut it?” He asks. 

“I keep it long solely to annoy you with my laziness.” And with that, I take his hand and lead him to the arena, which is more of a clearing in the midst of the lush greenery. It is not unlike the stadium inside of the Castle That Never Was. Merlin greets the three of us with a sort of scatterbrained enthusiasm. Kairi is stretching, her long legs are out in front of her. 

“Ahhh yes...well, we have an exciting day ahead of us. Keyblade summoning and hand to hand basics.” Is how Merlin starts his meeting, which I supposed is better than Xemnas calling everyone ‘comrades’. Kairi stands up immediately, rocking back on her heels. A grin curls across Lea’s features.

“This’ll be easy.” Kairi grins, rolling her shoulders back.

“Really now, princess? You’ve never even seen me fight.” And Lea is trying so hard to keep his tone light hearted, trying so hard to be playful. Surely, if I were the one he was facing there would be a lot more trash talk going on. 

“What about me?” I ask. Merlin laughs, as though he doesn’t truly believe I am asking a question, as though he thinks I am joking with him. When my expression hardens, defensively, he clears his throat.

“Oh, I thought you must...oh, of course, I suppose…Cid Highwind did raise you…” I don’t know what the implications behind that statement are, but I very seriously contemplate finding his jaw, underneath all that beard with my fist. Lea must sense this, as he quickly wraps a hand around the top of my arm, sufficiently anchoring me in place. “Rueki, how have you done all of your previous magic learning?”

“Trial and error, reading a spellbook.” I grumble. He nods, excitedly.

“Yes, yes perfect.” He replies.” So you're already quite prepared.”

“That's it?” I squawk. That's it? That's really...then why the hell am I here? I don't voice this concern though, I know the answer. I'm here because this place is exempt from time and I am struggling hard as a white mage and need an infinite amount of time to develop this new craft. Still, I figured that being taught by some sort of great wizard would involve him actually, I don't know, teaching me.

“Well of course we will be working on proper form and deciphering where you are having success and where you are not.” Merlin replies, and I suppose that is at least something. “Now Lea, Kairi, I want each of you to focus on summoning your Keyblades on that side of the arena, while I test Rueki on this side.” With the wave of a wand, he creates a forcefield separating the two of us from Lea and Kairi. I don't know which of my redheads looks sicker. My instinct is to protect both of them from each other, but it is utterly unnecessary. The only danger either of them are in is the danger of potentially have an awkward conversation. And that might actually be good for them. Lea casts me a sideways look. Kairi purposefully adverts her eyes. I flash my boyfriend a quick thumbs up before turning to Merlin.

“Where go we start?” I ask. With another wave of his wand Merlin summons...several dressers? What the fuck? “Um…”

“Targets for your spells, of course.” He explains, and I take back what I said. This guy is one hundred percent crazy, no genius. I wonder what it says about me that I want to learn his craft. 

“Mmm.” I reply.

“Now, let's start with the basic four. Water, thunder, fire and blizzard.” Merlin says, and while I am confident I can conjure three of those four, the first one stumps me.

“I've never tried a water spell.” I confess, sheepishly, fearing his condescending tone for no other reason than the fact that I don't trust myself to control my temper. 

“Hmmm, interesting, I must make note of that.” He nods. “Well nevertheless, cast the other three and we will focus on getting you up to speed with water magic later.” 

From a tie that I have fashioned at the edge of my shirt, I untie La Luxure. Merlin’s eyes widen.

“You are unaware of how to summon a weapon?” He asks.

“I always just carry it on me.” I explain.

“And yet you are comfortable traversing through dreams and hearts? A very odd order indeed.” I want to tell him the whole empathy link wasn't my choice and that I made the best I could out of utilizing that connection, but I know if I open my mouth, it's going to result in a fight between me and my new teacher and even I have enough self control to understand that isn't the best foot to start on. “Oh well, it is a simple enough technique to teach. Anyhow, your spells.” And I'm so thankful that I finally get to cast them, because I need to do something to let out some tension. 

“Thundaza!” I call out as I raise La Luxure, because I'm not pulling any punches. I know what my strongest spell is, and in this arena, surrounded by beautiful woodlands, it does not disappoint. Thunder rains down on the field at an unstoppable force, blindingly bright. Even with the forcefield between us, I see both Kairi and Lea look at me, her with her Keyblade at hand, him without, and I feel victorious. Not that I particularly wanted to distract the two of them, but it's nice to know that my spell was impressive enough to distract. “Firaga.” I hurl a fireball at one of the dressers I did not strike down with my thunder spell, and it incinerates, going up in a brilliant blaze. “Freeze!” And my blizzard spell isn't bad, it hits the final dresser standing and incases it in a shell of ice. I'm sure if it were an opponent and not an inanimate object, it would be doing damage, but the ice does shatter of its own accord relatively quickly.

“Fantastic! Fantastic indeed!” Merlin exclaims and instantly, I feel my irritation ebb. I really am that predictable, I suppose. “The blizzard spell needs work, and your lack of experience with water magic needs remedy, but quite a precise fire spell! And grand magic level with thunder is impressive indeed! Certainly, there is fine tuning that needs to be done, but undoubtedly, there is talent!” His praise makes me flourish. I bite back a grin and think to myself that surely there must be some rather brutal tension between him and Cid for Merlin to be so standoffish toward me until he was certain I was worth his time. “For your thunder spell, how is you level of control? Surely I don’t need to tell you it can be quite a tricky spell to control.”

“Pretty alright, I would say. I’ve never been hit by my own thunder spell, but I wouldn’t trust myself just yet to use it with my friends around. I was able to focus electric current through my own body and use it as a weapon once, it made for a hell of an attack. But it also knocked me on my ass.” I confess.

“Well, of course.” Merlin nods. “Still, there is a level of focus if you are able to circulate current through your body, so your focus certainly isn’t fragmented. Fledgling undoubtedly, and yet, inexperience with promise and desire to learn is certainly preferable to the alternative.” I get the feeling that he is no longer talking to me, but to himself, so I look to Kairi and Lea as Merlin continues babbling, watching as Kairi summons her Keyblade again and again, without failure. Lea, however, is having the opposite sort of luck. No matter which way he twists his wrist, no matter how dramatically he waves his arm, he cannot summon the blade and, multiple times, summons his Chakrams. I watch him grow increasingly more irritated. I cannot hear the two through the force field, but I see him snap something at Kairi, an aggravated look crossing his features. Her hands ball into fists, her eyes go wide. She waves her hands at him and shouts something. He counters back, closing the distance quickly, using his height to his advantage. Kairi is fiesty, but even she sputters backwards as he moves closer. The determined look never leaves her eyes though. She fights back, he throws his hands up, sets a hand on his hip and starts gesturing wildly with the other. I know him well enough, I’ve seen this argument before a thousand times, but with me on the other side and not Kairi. I know this means he is at his rope’s end, more upset at himself than he is at her, and is trying to deflect with cutting words and blatant sarcasm, but Kair’s tolerance for bullshit is nonexistent. In her shoes, I would yell at Lea and name off a list of reasons he sucks. She on the other hand, despite looking a ripe sort of pissed, is very clearly trying to diffuse the bomb he has become. She raises her hands in a defensive gesture. I watch his shoulders slump, softening dramatically. She crosses her arms to her chest, he looks away, rubs the back of his head and makes a sort of half shrug gesture.

He admitted defeat.

But to what, I wonder. 

She takes a step toward him, skirts around him so that they are standing side by side, rather than facing each other and makes a move with her arm. She holds it up, making a fist with her hand. Lea follows suit and looks to her as she speaks, her mouth moving rapidly.

Holy shit, is she helping him? 

“Rueki.” I know my name is being called but I’m terribly distracted by the tiny hint of a smile that flicks across Kairi’s lips. She nods. From Lea’s profile, I can clearly detect a broad smile, he nods too, she summons her Keyblade.

He summons his Chakrams. He heaves a sigh and throws his head back, but instead of shrugging him off or taunting him, Kairi delicately pats his shoulder, looking every ounce of uncomfortable. His eyes flick to hers, she shrugs, sheepishly, mouth moving too fast for me to even try to figure out what she’s saying, but suddenly they’re talking, deep in what look like a heartfelt conversation.

They get to have bonding moments and I get to sometimes practice spells but mostly read a book that is hardly even pleasurable to read and stresses me out more than anything?

Well, guess it’s pretty clear who drew the short straw here.

“Rueki.” My head snaps up this time, as I hear Merlin call my name with a much greater urgency. “Were you even listening?”

“Mostly.” I spit out, instantly. “Sorry.” Because whatever, it’s not my fault he has abysmal conversation skills. He begins muttering something about the apple not falling far from the tree and I begin fantasizing about slugging him and just resorting to alchemy for the rest of my days.

“As I was saying, what sorts of second level magic are you comfortable with?” He asks. I blink.

“Um...more specifically?” Because I have a feeling I’d have to endure another rant if I said ‘my fire spell is third level’. 

“Gravity, Magnet, Wind.” He says with the wave of his hand, and I suppose that does make sense, but it is borderline embarrassing, feeling as though we are speaking two different languages and I am the idiot who cannot pick up on the simple things. This is going to be a lesson in swallowing my pride, undoubtedly. 

“I’m pretty good with Gravity and Anti Gravity spells, I was recently successful fighting through the haze that accompanies Anti Gravity, but beyond that, I’ve only been learning for a couple of months, I wanted to get good at select few, rather than focusing my energy all over the place.” I explain.

“And such is not a bad strategy, but I feel a great need to inform you that your lack of experience with White Magic is alarming.” He says. I make a face.

“Defense has never been my strong suit.” I set a hand on my hip, twisting my mouth into a pout. “I can take a hit just fine, I mean I always get back up. But I’m not great with blocking or avoiding, I didn’t really expect magic to be any different. I’ve tried, believe me, I have. But I can’t reflect an attack to save my life and I didn’t even bother with Curing spells, because I always have Potions on me.”

“Certainly, for someone whose weakness lies in defense, White Magic will be a challenge. However, that is nothing patience and wisdom cannot remedy. Primarily, however, I believe our focus should be on first and second level magic. Let us work to strengthen your Blizzard, Gravity and Anti Gravity spells. You should also heavily study Magnet, Water and Wind. I would suggest thinking of the latter two as offensive spells, rather than defensive. They are rather versatile and can work in either respect, however, knowing where your talents lie is an excellent sort of objectivity to have. If your project Wind and Water to attack your opponents, we can focus on the fine tuning of using the defensive spells in tandem, at a later date. For now, Rueki, your books. Learn Water, Wind and Magnet. Master them, then we shall proceed.” And with the wave of his hand, a massive stack of spell books appears on the ground in front of me. My eyes go wide. I thought the tomme I had taken from Radiant Garden was massive, but compared to some of these other books, it has thin and flimsy. Eagerly, I crouch down, lifting up a book and thumbing through it. I simply cannot imagine ever being able to master every single spell in this. “Ah, no, not that one. Not yet. The green one on the top wll do you just fine. Now, if you’d excuse me, I must tend to Lea and Kairi, and you must tend to your studies.” And with the wave of his wand, Merlin appears on the other side of the force field where he begins, at once, instructing Lea and Kairi, who I catch smirking cheekily at each other. This might be the beginning of a beautiful tolerance. My heart blossoms. 

I set down the massive volume I initially picked up and then, retrieve said green book on top. It is intimidating looking compared to my first spell book, however, it is surely less frightening than the first book I grabbed. Thumbing through, I quickly find a page to begin on and press my lips together. My eyes flick up, away from the book where Kairi and Lea have begun combat, her with her Keyblade, him with his Chakrams. Apparently his Keyblade is still out of his reach, but he looks fierce, calculating and deadly as he anticipates her moves. He is faster, stronger, worlds more experienced and it shows. He is fascinating to watch, and I am quickly enthralled by his every move. She isn’t any less enticing, the way she dances away from his attacks with perfect grace. She closes the distance between the two of them, smacks him with her Keyblade and he pauses. He makes a face, puts a hand up to stop her and begins to speak. She lowers her weapon, nods and shifts her stance. She cranks her blade back, he nods and she smiles.

Holy shit, he’s helping her.

She chews on her lip, takes a step back, still a little bit unsure as she looks at him, and then, they resume battle.

I sigh, sinking to the floor as I open my book. 

Just gotta read, I tell myself. I’ve just got to tear through this book, work my ass off, put in the effort and in no time, I will be in the ring with the two of them, a force of nature at my fingertips. 

I sink to the ground, folding my legs up as I start reading.

\--

By the end of the day, I have successfully conjured relatively weak Water and Wind spells, and while it isn’t an epic success, I at least have something to show Merlin, who simply nods at me and tells me that we will resume tomorrow.

With the wave of his wand, the force field between the two groups disappears and I am met by the sound of Kairi laughing hysterically. 

“You look like such a--”

“Don’t even start with me, princess.” Lea sighs, sitting up. He is curled in on himself, body twisted as he writhes on the ground. “Not a bad attack though. Just don’t forget your footing or you’ll be the one on your ass next time.”

“Um, thanks.” And while she is content to laugh at him and to even give and accept advice from him, I have a feeling that she is remembering herself. That she is struggling with her impossible heart, burdened with a glorious gift. I see conflict in her huge eyes. I wonder if her heart has already forgiven him, meanwhile her mind is still so standoffish at his presence. I’ve heard her speak about her heart before, I’ve heard the defeat in her voice when she mentioned that her heart was bound to forgive me, and it breaks my heart to think that she is constantly forced to surrender to her own heart, however, I would give anything to be blessed with the light of forgiveness. How many times have I wished I could forgive Lea, despite everything? Suddenly, her head snaps to me. She banishes her Keyblade with the wave of her hand, and then links her arms behind her back. “How was your training, Rueki?”

“Exactly as exciting as it looked.” I mutter.

“Hate to break this to you, sweetheart, but we were both a little caught up all day.” Lea offers me an apologetic smile as he hoists himself off the ground. 

“Fuck off.” I huff. Kairi laughs. 

“We should take a picture to commemorate our first day training! Do you have your phone?” She asks me. I make a face.

“Why so you can look better than me, even when you’re a sweaty mess” I ask.

“Stop being such a brat.” Kairi sets her hands on her hips as I retrieve my phone from my pocket.

“Hate to break it to you, princess, but that’s kind of her prerogative.” Lea says, striding over to us.

“I thought I was princess?” I ask.

“You were, but Kairi’s gotta have a nickname too.” He shrugs, as though this is out of his hands, and those are just the rules. Smarmy pain in the ass.

“Whatever, just take this picture of Kairi and I.” I roll my eyes, thrusting the phone at him. I secretly hope he’ll have some sort of struggle figuring out how to take the picture, but he readies the camera with ease as Kairi bounces over to me. I throw my arms around her, she twists herself to the side, posing.

“Act like we just got done having fun!” She encourages. I roll my eyes. 

“Oh come on.” I grumble, but I consider myself a good sport. I close my eyes, part my lips and through my head back laughing. 

“Well congratulations, Rueki, your ass might look better in this picture than it ever has before.” Lea grins as he snaps the photo. Kairi groans, I open my eyes and she is skulking over to him to retrieve my phone. 

“Could you guys be any more gross?” She asks as she starts to fuss with my phone.

“Yes.” Lea says instantly.

“Definitely.” I agree. She rolls her eyes but I catch her smiling and she gives me another sweaty hug in departure.

“I’m cropping this. You guys are the worst. Have a good night.” She juts my phone at me and then turns to leave. She takes a total of three steps before she pauses and rocks back on her heels. She twists, eyes flicking to us. “Thanks for the help today, Lea. I know you’ll be able to summon your Keyblade in no time.”

“Uh--thanks.” He chokes. Her footsteps fade as she disappears, leaving Lea and I stunned.

“What was that?” I ask.

“You got me, sweetheart.” He confesses. “She’s a nice kid though, when she’s not looking at me like I stabbed her.”

“Of course she’s a good kid. I like her and I hate everyone so….”

“Except all of these damn teenagers you’ve adopted.” He chuckles.

“Oh, like you’re any better?” I smirk as I lace my fingers through his. We make our way back to our room and when we get there, I close the door behind us.

“You know, I saw some of your spells. You’re kind of a badass, sweetheart.” He says. My eyes flick to his as I release his hand and take a seat on the bed. He joins me, but leans back, laying down, his arms folded beneath his head.

“You didn’t even see all of them.” I say, grinning, elated. He’s proud of me, I’m proud of him, despite the rocky start these new lives of ours had, things seem promising, perfect. An idea pops into my head and I bite back the stupidest of grins. “Wanna have sex on the ceiling?” I raise an eyebrow, because I know I’m good at anti Gravity spells and, more than that, I can think of no better or more enrapturing way to flex my magic.

“You can do that?” He raises an eyebrow. I offer a cocky half smirk and shrug, even though I personally have never afflicted Zero Gravity on both myself and another. “Is it good?” He asks.

“Mmmmm, why don't you ask the last guy I had sex with?” I snark. He grins, a fire reignited in his eyes. 

“Cuz I don't have Xigbar's number.” Lea teases. 

If I could roll my eyes any harder it would cause a natural disaster. 

“I promise you I never have and will never sleep with Xigbar.” I assure him.

“I mean hey, he's your type.” He says. I incline an eyebrow, scooting around the bed so that I am now sitting back on my knees, facing him. “Rat bastard, cocky as hell, has an annoying catchphrase.” 

“Huh. You're right. Never thought about it.” I say and suddenly rise from bed and head to the door. He sits up, perfect body snapping like a rubber band. 

“Where ya going?” Lea asks.

“To go fuck Xigbar. You want anything while I'm out?” I tease. He quickly closes this distance between the two of us, swooping over like a hawk to scoop me up into his arms. I let out a wicked cackle as he squeezes me waist and trails searing kisses down my neck. 

“I don't suppose I could convince you to stay.” His voice is so hot at my ear that my knees buckle and I have to catch the closed door to remain standing.

“Huh, maybe. I mean if you keep kissing me like that, I guess I can stick around.” I sigh grinding my ass into him. “I mean you look hot as hell in that T-shirt, I definitely can't find anyone sexier.”

“Except maybe if you look at yourself in the mirror in those tiny little short shorts.” He breathes, squeezing my ass roughly. 

“I think they're supposed to be longer, but my ass is eating them.” I confess as one of his hands slip up inside my shirt. 

“What a coincidence, because I want to eat your ass.” Oh hell.

“Hold on tight.”


	15. Chapter 15

XV. 

Lea is dangerous, Lea is deadly, Lea is as unpredictable as the element he wields and hits twice as hard.

But Lea is getting his ass thoroughly handed to him, courtesy of Kairi.

I watch, eyes flicking up from a book that I am so sick of reading, because despite however much --too much -- time I have spent struggling with defensive spells, I have gotten nowhere. 

Within days of picking up that green spell book, I was met with success in conjuring Water and Wind spells. My skill with them had certainly grown and now, I don't even struggle with using second tier Water, Wind or Blizzard spells. Merlin, for how much he annoys the ever living shit out of me, is undeniably brilliant. How far my form, my concentration and my precision have come is unbelievable. But even he is no miracle worker. I can’t cure, I can’t reflect, I’m anxious and irritable and trying so very hard to ignore my work at hand and focus on my boyfriend’s struggles.

My life is a lot more tolerable when I ignore and repress my own problems and focus on how I can help him with his.

Kairi slashes with her blade, Lea blocks with a Chakram, thoroughly distracted as he tries to summon his Keyblade. Tries and fails. I’ve counted, although time is of no consequence here, I am keeping track and we have spent twenty days training. I’m proud of Kairi; for someone who had incredibly little experience with combat, she is learning quickly. Her footing still needs work, she’s still very impulsive, something I can relate to, but I’m seasoned enough to at least use that impulsiveness to my advantage and think on my feet twice as quickly as my enemy. Despite her failings though, I am impressed by what determination and a hatred of waiting have done for this girl. Lea on the other hand, is a different story.

Were it not for seeing with my own eyes inside of the Mysterious Tower, even I would have asked him by now if he really could summon a Keyblade. I love Lea, but this would not be the first time he grasped at something utterly unattainable.

On the plus side, Kairi’s rage seems to have ebbed greatly now that she is able to smack Lea around with her Keyblade, which seems to thoroughly irritate him. Not the whole her beating him around, no, Lea is a good sport and Kairi is slowly but surely coming around, laughing with him rather than at him, talking to him more, asking him for advice as well as offering her own. No, Lea is pissed at his own shortcomings, not her success. 

I, on the other hand, wish I had someone that could help me break through my barriers with training. Because if I have to hear Merlin give me another speech laced with condescending undertones about how my overly offensive inclinations are the fault of my godfather, I very well might snap. 

“Come on, Lea! Pretend I’ve got Rueki captive!” Kairi insists and I smirk a little as I see her flash me a look, from where I sit at the edge of the arena.

“Listen, princess, if you had her captive, I’d feel sorry for you.” He grins, wickedly. She snorts and throws her Keyblade at him, smashing him with an impressive looking Strike Raid.

“She’s still my best friend.” Kairi counters, and I love the girl, love her to pieces.

“You have my permission to kick his ass today, sweetheart!” I call to her.

“Love you!” She chirps.

“Love you!”

“I think I hate you both.” Lea sighs, but I blow him a kiss and he pretends to catch it, and I think my life would be perfect if these two actually got along instead of just mentoring each other.

“Rueki!” Merlin chastises, suddenly, and I suppress a groan. “Back to your spells.”

Scratch that, my life would be perfect if I could just figure out white magic. But I don’t and by time we are excused for the day, my head hurts, my brain is spinning and I am seeing spots. But I can see that Lea’s jaw in clenched, his shoulders are tight and he is very visibly skulking.

“No luck?” I ask, standing to meet him with shaky legs.

“Can we not right now, sweetheart?” He mutters, voice tense. I blink as I look at him, vision becoming clearer with each flutter of my eyelids. For my own irritation at not having success, Lea seems to be taking his defeat all the more personally. I quickly reach out and squeeze his hand, nodding.

“Got it.” I say, easily. “Let’s head in. You coming, Kai?” I ask. She presses her mouth into a tight frown from where she now stands in the arena, and shakes her head.

“No, there's something I wanna do first. I'll catch up with you guys later.” She replies, and with that, I lead a very sullen Lea back to our room. 

With a defeated twist of his mouth and severely slumped shoulders, he sinks down onto our bed, eyes not meeting mine.

“That bad?” I ask.

“I’m a Keybearer who can’t summon a Keyblade. Don’t think it gets much more pathetic than that, sweetheart.” He offers me, voice purposefully light as though he is trying to shake me off. I narrow my eyes and take a step to him, setting my hand on his shoulder. With him sitting and me standing, we are just about eye level, which makes it far harder for him to avoid my gaze, but he still manages to. I know him well enough by now to know this means he’s going to be impossible.

“I’m a failed mage who can’t do anything to defend herself or her friends.” I say, willing to share in his misery. When he says nothing, my fingers start to walk up his neck, ghost along his jawline, brush his lips. “It’s not a big deal, baby, and it’s not on you. You have forever in here to figure it out, and if you don’t the others can find another Keyblade wielder to fill your shoes. And you can just hang out with me, Donald and Goofy and the other peasants who have to use other weapons.” I mean this as a joke, but he looks far more discontent. 

“Really? I have forever to figure this out? We both know that’s not what you’d be telling yourself if the roles were reversed.” He says, eyes flicking up to mine, finally, but his mouth is pressed into such a tiny little pout, it would be cute if he wasn’t so devastated. And he is right. I am impatient to a fault. I’m about ready to scream and give up on magic, in favor of alchemy, altogether. Being with him and Kairi and my own stubborn determination is what is keeping me here, despite my aggressive failures, I don’t think that’s a shocker to anyone. 

“No, I’d be pissed too. I mean, I am. But you’d still try to make me feel better about it all if I were this bothered. And you'd probably make me laugh. And kiss me until I punched you and told you to fuck off. Because you’re amazing and I love you.” I say, fingers slipping around his neck, nails brushing gently across his skin. 

“I love you too.” But he still sounds distraught and annoyed and frustrated. I get it, I so get it.

“What can I do?” I ask. Not because I’m foolish enough to think I can fix this for him, but because I need to see him smile again and have no idea where to begin.

“Nothing, it’s fine. I’m gonna go shower.” He replies with the wave of his hand, pushing me aside as he tries to stand. I retaliate by grabbing his shoulders and shoving him back down on the bed. His eyes widen, he raises an eyebrow. 

“Sit down.” I order, but my voice is barely above a whisper. I know this isn’t the solution to anything, but I certainly know my problems feel infinitely more miniscule with his head between my legs, so I hook my fingers through his joggers and boxers, and tug down. He shifts, refusing to grant me access. I narrow my eyes.

“It’s not gonna work, baby.” He shakes his head. My insides feel cold, I watch him watch me lose color and begin to retreat, and he seems to realize just how deep the rejection has stung. He grabs my wrist and pulls me back. I shake my head. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t what I--”

“No, it’s cool, go take a shower.” I urge. 

“You know, there is a safe way to communicate your feelings with me that doesn’t involve you screaming at me or running away from me.” He insists. I think perhaps I might slap him, but I don’t want him to be right so bad, that I clench my fist and restrain myself. 

“There’s a safe way for you to communicate that involves letting me in and putting me first.” I grumble. He pauses, his hands falling away from me. I don’t walk away from him, much as I want to. Instead, I force myself to stand still and cross my arms to my chest, defensively. For a strained, heavy moment, we are silent, and the tension of it all hangs so thick in the air, it is suffocating. 

“We’ve got to stop this whole taking shit out on each other thing.” He sighs, and I think that is rich, because he was the one taking his bad mood out on me, but hell, it’s not like I’ve never done the same to him, dipping my toes into hypocrisy. 

“I just wanted to do something nice for you.” I offer.

“I know. Trust me, it wasn’t you that set me off, sweetheart.” He leans forward, grabbing my hips in his hands, and I let him pull me in. “Just sucks when...when I feel like I can’t do anything right.” I am reminded instantly of the time in Wonderland that he bent me over a table and proceeded to almost light the place on fire. I think for someone who hides beneath the cocky, leisurely persona constantly, failure must feel far too exposing for comfort. Especially with Kairi around, someone he is trying so hard to win over.

“So just tell me you feel like shit and just want to lay here and mope, okay?” I try. 

“I don’t want to.” He shakes his head. “I just...fuck, I have nothing. For all of the plans I used to have for the two of us, this wasn’t something I was ever prepared for. I thought when we met in limbo we were done with the damn icky jobs. Now, it’s just one after another, and if I don’t figure this fucking Keyblade thing out, I’m not just a liability to myself, but to the entire rest of the world. I can carry a lot, I don’t mind having to do the dirty work but this…” Might be too much. The words hang unspoken between the two of us. I reach out and wrap my arms tightly around his shoulders, pressing my lips to his hair.

“We’ve schemed our way through everything. We’ve concocted insane plans on the fly. Fuck, I stood in front of you with a grenade at hand, daring Xemnas to make a move. You know I don’t have it in me to be an optimist, but logic says you and I are smart enough to figure even this out.” I whisper against his skin. I can tell he isn’t entirely satiated, but after another deep breath, he squeezes me tightly and, in one fluid movement, scoops me up by the tops of my thighs and stands up. I yelp a little, clinging to his shirt for dear life. His lips find mine, urgently. I know what this is. I know he is trying to distract me, I know he’s done talking about his feelings. But when I feel my back hit the wall of our room, I resolve to allow him this. 

His hands are instantly inside of my shirt. He’s impatient, burning up against me as he twists and tweaks my nipples. Against his mouth, I whimper, breath hitching, but between him and the wall, there is nowhere I can escape, nowhere I can catch my breath.

But he doesn’t tease me, instead he plays and pinches until just before I begin to relax into his hands, and then he tears my shirt off, breaking our kiss only to cast the garment aside. 

With his forehead pressed to mine and the wall to support me, his hands begin to roam my body, sliding up my waist, tracing the outline of my breasts, brushing my arms, which are locked around his shoulders. 

“You wanna bend over the bed?” He asks, and I very much do, but his hips begin to rock into mine, his newly present erection bumping against my clit through the soft fabric of our clothes, and coherent thoughts fail me. This isn’t enough friction by a long shot, but the temptation to grind my pussy against him, like this, until we are screaming each other’s names, is as suffocating as the hot breath we trade. His fingernails drag along the curve of my waist. I choke, but unlock my legs from him and all but sprint over to the bed. He meets me immediately and sneaks a hand up inside of my shorts.With my hands up on the bed, I have to crane my neck uncomfortably to even watch him, but he won’t allow me that. Lea hovers over me, his lips finding the crook of my neck while his hands grope my ass. He squeezes my ass like this is the first time he’s ever touched me. He presses his erection against my and rocks it against my ass as he toys with me, panting in my ears. “How many more pairs of shorts do you have?” He asks, which seem like a very odd question to me. My brain struggles to find him an answer in my hazy, aroused state.

“Um, a lot? I dunno?” I say.

“But these aren’t your favorite?” He asks.

“No?” And I do not even have a second to ponder the necessity of this question. Because as quickly as he can manage, he retrieves his hands from inside my clothing, grabs the fabric in his hands and grunts as he tears my shorts open.

The cold air of the room is barely blocked my the thin fabric of my panties, and I do actually gasp at the new sensation. He is living for this, I can tell, because I feel his cock twitch, I hear his breath go staccato. A long, hot finger hooks through my panties, as he pushes them aside and shoves a finger into me.

My pussy is already soaked, and the sudden intrusion has me sighing in relief. My back arches against him, his other arm loops around my waist, pushing us impossibly close to one another.

“How is this sweet little cunt always so wet for me?” He breathes, thumb brushing my wetness across my clit. My eyes flutter back as I try to rock myself down onto him, pushing my way down onto his knuckles. 

“Lea, please, more.” And I know he can be a delightful bastard and tease me until I am clutching the sheets, begging, if he wants to be. I know that he knows how to drive me to the edge and then push my back. If he wants to toy with me and work me open for hours, he has no qualms in that. But today, he is chasing a high, chasing a rush, because when I ask, he obliges. 

He yanks the bottom half of his clothing down. I have only a moment where I feel him line himself up. Only a moment where I feel the tip of his weeping cock brush my entrance. And then, he plunges into me, gripping my hips in desperation. Oh the bruises he will leave.

And oh, how all of the cares in the world fall away as his hips slam into mine, tearing the breath from my lungs. He makes low, mewling sounds as him snap forward, pounding desperately into me. I hear his labored breathing, feel his hands trace my hips, my lower back, my stomach. The feeling is exposing and anonymous all at once, as I still cannot meet his eyes, but suddenly his mouth is at my ear, tugging and teasing the skin of my earlobe.

“Look at you.” He breathes, voice hot and heavy as one hand finds my ass and the other loops around to brush my clit. I arch into him as he presses his weight into me. I don’t know how he is able to have his hands, his mouth everywhere and still manage to thrust into me deep enough to draw me to the edge, but he does and the experience is both surreal and overwhelming and everything I have ever needed. “So perfect, so beautiful, all mine.” His lips dance across the back of my sweat slickened shoulders. It is all I can do, just like this, body peaked, arms taught, to take him, to cling to reality, to cling to this moment and not completely teeter. This was supposed to be for him, this was supposed to be his pep talk, his motivation, not a moment to praise me, and I think I need to remedy this as soon as possible. But suddenly, the hand that was groping me is now woven through my hair. He pulls me back and manages to tilt my head and mash his lips to mine.

His movements on my clit become hyper focused, and with only his mouth to silence my screams, I come apart in waves, washing along the shoreline of all that he is.

I am a melted mess against him, but the clenching of my cunt is enough to tip him over the edge.

“Rueki!” He chokes on my name, arms snaking around my waist, pulling me impossibly tight as he rides out his orgasm. He sighs, I do too and collapse, a spent mess on the bed. He chuckles as he follows me down, lips at my temple.

“You could’ve let me do something.” I nudge him with my shoulder. “I was trying to make you feel less shitty.”

“Huh, well, what do you know. It worked.” He chuckles. I roll my eyes but ease into him. “What about you?”

“What about me?” I ask.

“You don’t feel like I…” For how much he loves to talk, for how much he seems to delight in the sound of his own voice, he cannot seem to muster words when he fears he is going to hurt me. I don’t know if I like this or not, but I am instantly brought back to his words in Transmute City. He excused his secrets, casted their darkness aside, insisting they brought me less harm than the truth. And he’s right, at least, off the bat. When I am led blindly by him, I am incredibly content, but that doesn’t mean that the truth doesn’t cut bone deep, slitting my nerve endings, stripping me of any shreds of optimism that I hadn’t already murdered on my own. Despite the beauty of this moment, I am distracted and uneasy. 

Maybe the problem isn’t with me trusting my partner, maybe the problem is with him trusting his. If he thinks I am made of glass, if he thinks I will crumble under any weight he puts on me...why would he ever offer me a taste of reality? Fantasy is so easy, so lightweight and so hollow. We cannot get by if he still thinks a panic attack will crush me at any minute. And if so, no wonder he still deemed desperate to seek out someone he thought was stronger, more stoic.

Saix.

If Lea can’t--

“You don’t feel like I’ve rejected you, do you babe? Cuz I wouldn’t. You’re everything to me, Rueks.” And that bit of reassurance as he bites the bullet and speaks openly, fills me with warmth. This is fine, we are good. He’s having a bad day and so am I, and with failure as a constant companion, of course my anxiety is on the rise.

“We’re good.” I tell him, tilting my head to kiss the side of his face “Now can you get off of me so we can both go shower? Some douche ripped my shorts, I should probably be clean before I change into clean clothes.” I inform him. He snorts as he stands and offers me a hand to help me up, which I take.

“Oh, sweetheart. We both know you can’t be anything but dirty.” I punch him, but allow him to lead him into the shower, so the good cancels out the bad.

We are both sufficiently washed and dried, Lea has started dressing and I have a towel wrapped around me when a knock sounds off at our door.

“Is it safe?” Kairi calls. 

“Currently!” I call back, thankful for the towel wrapped around me and the cotton sweatpants hanging loosely from Lea's hips. Kairi pokes her head in, as though she doesn't completely trust me. When her eyes scan the room and she realizes we are both decent, she tiptoes into the room, hands linked behind her back. She chews her lips, she furrows her brow. She's uneasy looking, and somehow she still looks perfect. 

“How was training, kiddo?” Lea asks, snatching a shirt from out of one of the dresser drawers. I would like to pretend that I don't stare at him, mouth parted as he yanks the flimsy T-shirt over his head, but that would be a blatant lie. 

“I wasn’t exactly training.” She confesses, linking her arms behind her back.

“Well, do tell.” He urges, leaning back into the dresser. Kairi looks shy, surprisingly sheepish for how comfortable she usually is around me. 

“I took your advice.” She tells Lea. I raise an eyebrow, questioningly, but he simply waves his hand at me, brushing my concerns aside. Half of me contemplates grabbing a shoe off of the ground and throwing it at him, but this rare, tender moment between my best friend and my boyfriend is not something I am going to discourage. 

“Did it help?” He asks, knowing right away what she’s referring to, which does certainly irk me. Every inch of me burns with questions that no one seems interested in answering. Kairi nods.

“Yeah, and, you know, it got me to thinking...all things considered, maybe I wasn’t really fair to you right off the bat. You weren’t trying to hurt me...kidnapping me wasn’t even your idea…” She flashes me a mischievous look and I flip her off, because no one is letting me in on this secret. She giggles. “I get it. You were just trying to get your friend back and keep Rueki safe. I can’t fault you for that and, to be honest, I shouldn’t have faulted you in the first place for things you did in another life. You’ve got a much better heart than you let onto.”

And I agree with her, and that is what is getting me by, that is what constantly has me forgiving him. It is convoluted as all hell, but the best way I can separate this all in my mind, is the things he did when he was Axel are not things I can hold him accountable for now. The past is done, those lives are behind us and the fact of the matter is, he isn’t Axel, not anymore. I recall how very adamant he was that everyone call him Lea. He’s different now, I’m different now, and every step we are taking is toward a better, healthier, happier us. No longer are our lives shrouded by darkness. No longer do I need to hold that darkness against him.

“Um, thanks, Kairi.” Lea chokes, suddenly quite flustered, rubbing the back of his neck, unable to meet her eyes. I catch myself grinning a little as I sit on our bed, at how bashful he suddenly is. Oh how I love that he hates incredibly vulnerable displays of emotion like I do. 

“I just felt like you should know…” She says, rocking back on her heels. “We’re gonna figure it all out in the arena tomorrow with your Keyblade, I can feel it.”

“Yeah, I sure hope so, kid.” He says, and with the little wave of her hand, she skips off. “Does this mean I’m in the clear?” Lea looks at me with a raised eyebrow and tentative optimism as Kairi leaves, closing our door upon her departure. I draw a knee up to my chest, set my elbow on my knee and bring my hand up under my chin. 

“Huh.” Is my purposefully indistinct reply.

“Sweetheart.” He sighs, I smirk.

“Oh, what, you don’t like vague answers?” I bat my eyes. He loops his arms around me and tugs me in close, at a force that makes me yelp and then laugh. His lips find my hair, trail across the shell of my ear, down my neck, to my shoulder. 

“Be nice, sweetheart, you get what you give.” He warns me, and as fun as getting rough was, I am burning to test this whole ‘timeless world’ thing, with praise on his lips as they roam my body. It takes everything in me to repress a shudder, I chew my lip, keeping any pathetic little sounds at bay.

“Well, I’m not a betting woman…” I begin.

“Mmmhmm.” His tongue swipes across my collar bone. This fucking man, oh hell, this fucking man. My skin burns beautifully, brightly. 

“But if I were, I’d bet money that you and Kairi might very well be, at the very least, kind of friends now.” I say. His head pops up, his eyes flick to mine, through heavy lashes. The enthusiasm he is trying to keep at bay is both adorable and exciting all at once. “She’s forgiven you. You’ve done it yet again. Is that your secret talent, getting people to forgive you?”

“I hope so.” He is suddenly serious, his words create a barrier between us and after a moment, I realize the gravity of his statement. 

Fucking dick.

“We’re not doing this.” I tear away from him. “I’m not listening to you lament about fucking Saix, Lea!”

“Wow, fuck me then, for wanting to express concern to my girlfriend, that my best friend is currently following orders from a madman.” Lea rolls his eyes. I scoff.

“Yeah, of his own accord.” I retort.

“You don’t know that!” He insists. “You might have your memories back now, but you don’t have as many of Isa as I do. We grew up together, we played together, he was my best friend, underneath it all--”

“There’s nothing underneath anything. You know I’m really glad for you that you weren’t in the room when he beat me within an inch of my life, that must have been nice. But I was. I looked in his eyes, and there was no possession, there was no haze. It was just him and me, while Xemnas watched. And Saix didn’t just do his civic duty as a good little member of Organization XIII. He enjoyed every cut he made on my body, he took pleasure in every bone he broke, he lived for every time I screamed and begged for my life and swore I didn’t know where you were. I’m glad you have nice memories about growing up, I’m glad you had a good little friend. But the fact of the matter is, people change, people grow. And people grow apart, more than anything. So you can choose to cling to him, and try to convince yourself that there is still a friendship there, that there is still some salvaging your little bond. You can do that all and you can lose me, if that’s what you want, fine.” And that would be the straw that breaks me. It would be excruciating, it would be devastating, it would cut me deeply, in a way I could not recover from, but if he cannot let go of Saix, that will be the end of us. I cannot watch the man I love cast me aside. “Or you can let go of the past, for fucking once and--”

“Do you think you’re brave or something, for leaving Del and Amaya all the time? Do you think it makes you strong because you can just ditch Cid at the drop of a hat? Because some of us actually care about the ties that bind us with those we’ve known!” Lea insists, snapping up, onto his feet, hovering over me, as though he thinks this will intimidate me. He should know far better by now.

“I think it makes me less stupid, because I was able to walk away from my friends when we didn’t click. But I gave them a second chance and now things are better than before, but if I would’ve stayed, the three of us would’ve driven each other insane. You cannot jam a piece that doesn’t fit into a jigsaw puzzle, Lea!” I bark. 

“Tell me more, sweetheart, about how you think I’m stupid.” He sneers, and it dawns on me that he hasn’t fought me like this since Castle Oblivion, and all I can think is hey, Saix got in the way of our relationship during a detrimental and vulnerable stage then, why not now, too?

“Sometimes you are, you’re the smartest person I know, but you can be such a fucking idiot when it comes to trusting the right people. You’ve got a great tendency for choosing all of the wrong allies and it makes me feel dumb, standing at your side through it all.” I snap.

“Well hey, sorry that I lost my heart and ended up in The World That Never Was. Because I had all the control in the world over that. You know, you’re a real fucking angel, just when I think I’m finally one step closer to turning things around--”

“And you did, with the right person. Kairi’s got a good heart, she’s not a complete fucking piece of shit.” I remind him.

“So you’re allowed to choose your best friend over me, but I can’t even want to save my best friend from himself?” He scoffs. 

“I never chose her over you, I chose the you that you proved to me you are when Xemnas isn’t pulling the strings. I chose the you that is smart and devious and sarcastic, but also loyal and protective and warm Her heart was made to forgive you and I knew she would, because you deserve to be forgiven. What we planned for Kairi, the fact that we kidnapped her, we did at our lowest points, at the most desperate, miserable time in our lives, and she knew that. We are not those people, and I already proved that to her, I knew the second you did, you guys would be good.” I remind him. “So don’t get on me like I cast you aside because I didn’t and I never will. I searched for you, I drove myself insane, I lost my mind, I nearly lost myself trying to find you, and I already chose to forgive that you didn’t choose me in the past. But you are never going to see a future where Saix and I can coexist on any level of peace.”

“I love you so much, Rueki, I know I’m not your end all be all, and that’s fine. I love that you’re friends with Del and Amaya, I love how you clicked with Roxas, I loved seeing you fight alongside Sora and Riku and I love that you found your family, and I’m so happy that I got to be a part of that. I’m even stoked that you’re friends with Kairi, it seems like it’s great for both of you.” He sighs. “But you can’t expect that my happy ending is so one sided either. I’d love to reunite with Ventus, I miss the hell out of Roxas, I want to bring them all back and I wish I could do it myself. If I can’t, so be it. But I can, single handedly, bring Isa back. I am the only one who can. And if it kills me, I will.” He swears. I suck in a breath, I clench my fists, my nails bite into my palms and I tear my eyes away from his.

“I can’t fucking look at you right now, I’ll end up slapping you.” I murmur and storm away.

“Where the fuck are you going?” He snaps.

“I don’t know, I’ll sleep in the woods.” I wave a hand at him.

“In the woods?” He repeats 

“Or Kairi’s room, or anywhere. Fuck you. You want to save your little boyfriend, you can do it without me.” I shake my head.

“Really? That's it? After all of this after….after how much I fucking love you, that's all it takes for this to end?” And I can tell he wants to fight me harder but also, doesn't want to shoulder the pain that comes with trying and failing to get us back to to okay. I'm sure his heart is raw and ragged but mine too and if he doesn't care enough to nurture, to heal my heart then I'll have to make up the difference. I am not going to be broken anymore. 

“I need you to put me first. I need you to care for me most. I'm not trying to stop you from having a life and having friends but you are the pinnacle of my world and I cannot be with someone who I don't mean nearly as much to.” My hands shake, my stomach twists as I reach for the door handle. I can't do this. This is going to kill me. My body violently rejects everything I am doing, but for as much as this poisons me, for as much as this stings, this temporary pain will be nothing on a lifetime of coming second to everyone else, every chance he gets.

“Dammit, Rueki, I do love you and you do come first, that's why saving Isa needs to be a priority, because until I make amends to him, he's always going to keep punishing you!” He roars. I halt, my hand slips away from the door, I take a breath. 

“You aren't the one who controls what he does. Saix is an adult, he's the only one responsible for his actions.” I murmur. Behind me I hear Lea’s foot falls, I can feel him approaching me, I don't try to stop him. I hate the fact that my body nearly melts into his, that my head rolls back into his shoulder. He presses his lips down onto the top of my head and sets his hand on mine.

“The reason he hates you is because of me, Rueki. He blames me for choosing you first.” I'm about to pick a fight that Saix hated me long before I set foot in the World That Never Was, but I realize that was not the first chance Lea had to choose me. 

“You didn't know...you were on your way to find him, you tried to keep a defenseless little girl safe, you didn't realize you were going to lose your heart, if he still blames you for that, he doesn't deserve your forgiveness.” I shake me head. Slowly, as if asking permission to touch me, Lea’s hands dance up my arm, circling around my waist, pulling me in tight. 

“He blamed me long before that, Rueki.” He sighs.

“For what?” I ask, because we were all so young when we lost our hearts, what could he possibly still blame Lea for? What could a teenage boy have really done that was cruel beyond salvageability?

“Sit down with me.” He begs, one of his hands coming up to play with my hair. “Please just...stay.” His voice crackles, a log in the fire, and my heart comes unglued to the sound. I squeeze the arm he has wrapped around my middle.

“I just need you to love me as much as I love you.” I murmur.

“I do, Rueki, I always have.” He swears. “Just let me explain this to you. No more hiding baby, I promised you that, I need you to understand.” And fuck, he's right. I do want him to open up to me, to bloom in my arms. I just wish…

I just wish fucking Saix wasn't the catalyst. 

Lea draws me back to the bed and we lay, wrapped in each others arms, his long, thin legs twisting with mine. 

“Did you ever hear the screams coming from the Castle when we were kids?” He asks, and I tell him that I cannot say I did. “You must've been too young to remember but Isa and I? The second we heard them, we were obsessed. What was happening, wasn't our world supposed to be peaceful? We came up with a bunch of theories, some better than others, but the more digging we did, the more things seemed to confirm the scariest theory: that Ansem the Wise was performing experiments on children.” 

“That's why you and Saix were always trying to get into the castle.” I guess. 

“At first, we were just so curious, we were stupid, we had to know if it was true, our world was so peaceful and we were so desperate to uncover its deepest secrets. And we failed, a lot. I don't know how many times we got kicked out of the castle just after we made it past the gates.” And I do recall that, how could I not? For as fixated as they were with the castle’s dark secrets, I was equally as interested in them. The cool albeit irritating older boys who I wanted so desperately to befriend because I knew I was at least as smart as them and dolls with Yuffie held less and less appeal. I was mature for my age, I could be an asset to their group, and if they did discover something interesting in the castle, I could say they I was a part of that great discovery. I could be so much more than the little orphan girl. “Well, we finally got further than we ever had one day, we made it into the tunnels, the walls were lined with cells, cages. Most of them were empty, well all of them except for one. Inside one of them, we found a girl, right around the same age as us.” 

And I don't know why, I have never been jealous of another woman, especially not with Lea. After all, I dated Del, I'm sure he wasn't so very innocent before me, I never once expected him to be. Maybe it has something to do with the open wounds of Lea searching for Saix and not me being so fresh, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I feel incredibly unsteady and not so secure with his level of devotion. Certainly, I am willing to blame the circumstances on my mood, but I feel a deep envy crawling into my veins. They were children, I remind myself. Barely at the age of puberty, there was probably nothing romantic in their interactions with this girl, and even if they both did fight over her affections, I was a baby compared to them at the time, there is no reason to be covetous, but I am. It's disgusting and immature and I will not breathe a word of it to Lea, because all these insecurities can do are cause pain.

“She didn't have any memories, not even her own name, they just called her ‘Subject X’. Isa and I figured out pretty quickly why they had her locked up: they were doing experiments on memories. Most of what they did to her was psychological but...Rueki..what they were doing to her wasn’t right.” And I want to scream lucky her, her mind may have been mutilated but so was mine and I have to bear the physical reminder as well. I hate myself for the ‘me, me, me’, for the way envy bites into me, but the more I hear the less sorry I feel for this girl. Maybe I'm the monster, but maybe this doesn't actually bother me. “That was when Isa and I decided to become apprentices. That was the only way we could think of to set her free. She became our friend, we needed to save her. Two kids on a mission would be caught, but if we waited things out and were smart and made a plan, it would be a no brainer. Isa usually made the plans, I did the heavy lifting, I thought this would be the same. But it wasn't, he was desperate to get her out, he wasn't thinking like himself, he was rash. I had to talk him down, I thought if we acted too quickly and got caught, that would end worse for all of us. So I told him to wait it out...that was the day we became apprentices...do you remember anything about that day?”

And I do instantly. 

“You asked me to have ice cream with you and Isa. You guys never asked me to hang out before then.” Even now, I'm baffled by the clarity of my memory. It is as though spending so many years without it has preserved it indefinitely.

“Cuz I missed you. Cuz the girl in the cell was our friend, and you were just some annoying kid, but even then, my life didn't feel complete unless you were part of it.” I think instantly of the constant magnetic draw I have always had to this man. Even as children, the pull was as violent as it was intense. Not just to me, but to him too apparently. “So we made plans to save our friend, but I didn't want to risk losing you, another friend along the way. I tried to balance it all, and the more I begged Isa to be patient, the more restless and irritable he became. It got worse and worse until finally, we just decided screw it, we had enough of an idea of what we were doing, we were going to break her free. But when we went into the tunnels, her cell was empty. There was no trace that she or anyone else was even there and Isa? He completely broke down, I've never seen him look so...just so...and he blamed me. I know he did. He never said it in so many words, but maybe if I wasn't constantly holding him back --”

“So he's trying to even the score by attempting to murder me every chance he gets?” I scoff.

“He blames me and you, because I chose you and --”

“Omigod, do you not even realize how fucked up that sounds? You are straight up enabling him to keep up this little man boy temper tantrum. You're teaching him that it's okay to fuck up your girlfriend when he has a problem with you.” I make a move to turn away but Lea pulls me in tighter, anticipating my actions.

“I'm not enabling him, I just need to make amends, I've got to bring him back Rueki, and not just for me, but for you.” He pleads.

“No, that's a load of horse shit. You could hold him accountable for his own actions and then we wouldn't even be having this conversation.” I remind him, gritting my teeth. 

“He thinks I chose you, he thinks I cast him, my very best friend, aside for no apparent reason, for a girl I barely knew at the time. I love you, sweetheart, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, but --”

“Cliche lines aren't going to change the fact that sure, you might have slighted him before, but you made a mistake as a fucking child --”

“A mistake that cost our friend her life!” He snaps. He better fucking not test me. He may be a blazing fire but, undoubtedly, I can freeze him out.

“You're speculating.” I insist.

“Really Rueks? Why don't you tell me then, what happened to her if Ansem the Wise didn't have her killed?”

“That sounds like more of a question for Ansem the Wise than me, but tell me this, if she made it out of the cell, do you really think she would just waltz around Radiant Garden looking for you two? Or would she have gotten the hell out or hid or did anything to avoid getting captured again?” I counter. 

“The fucking fact of the matter is that he felt like --”

“Maybe the fucking problem, Lea, isn't you choosing, but the fact that you're still trying to keep this juggling act. You made Isa miserable because you were too fucking scared to choose whether or not you wanted to be a friend to me or him --”

“Watch what comes out of your fucking mouth next, Rueki.” He warns, eyes suddenly deadly. 

“And now you're too much of a fucking coward to choose whether or not you want to love me or save him!”

“Well why the fuck can't I have both?” Suddenly, he jolts up, tearing away from me, violently. I am ice cold without his body pressed to mine and instantly sit up to regard him. He won't meet my gaze, he's curled in on himself, eyes conflicted as he looks out the window of our room.

“Do I actually need to answer that?” I gape. His features twist into something nasty, hateful, so unlike the man I love. My heart sinks, dropping endlessly. 

“I want my childhood friend to be there when I marry you, I want Roxas back before we even have to look at Xehanort again. I want every fucking person I care for back in my life, I don't want to have to lose anyone, I don't want anyone to lose me, and I don't think that’s too goddamn much to ask!” He pounds his first into the bed, this skin bone white, too tight. He trembles beside me, I clutch my towel tight to my too cold skin. This demented nostalgia of his has me chilled to the bone. 

I want to forgive and forget. I want to make his dreams happen. I want to agree that this isn't too much to ask.

“But it is.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids, fun story! I'm helping my brother move which is going to be a bitch and a half and then some so my time is being hella devoured. So you guys get a double update today BUT (and I know, you're going to want to kill me with the note I leave you on, it's fine, murder away my friends) there will be no update on Monday! So ya'll are just going to have to wait until next Thursday for an update!

XVI.

The tension between Lea and I is suffocating. 

I want to say it is nothing like what we have experienced before, but the problem is, it is. It is so incredibly similar to Castle Oblivion and all of the anxiety I felt at his side then. But now, instead of questioning if I can spend a lifetime stepping into the flames, erupting inside of the hellfire of a man than could never love me, only to appease my unsteady heart, I wonder can I spend eternity on the backburner? Can I grit my teeth and remain on standby while the man I love cuts me open and expects me to gush love and praise instead of pain and resentment? 

I am, by a long shot, no saint. I don’t expect Lea to be either, nor do I want him to be. Part of what has always drawn me to him is the moral ambiguity we have always shrouded ourselves in. I am not wholly perfect and neither is he. If there is an afterlife, a real afterlife, we both are too tainted for heaven and to pure for hell. He is me in all of the best ways, my equal, my partner, the only person who seems to constantly be on the same level as me, willing to function in the depths as well as during the brighter times. There is a constant push and pull to our dynamic, there always has been, but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to ride it. The only place I feel comfortable is on top of the wave, dominating, conquering everything he is. My storm needs to rage hard enough to extinguish his ever present fire, but I can’t watch the pain on his face as his flame flickers out. I can’t bear the hurt of the steam that rises in our wake. There has to be something, a science, a bit of advice, a trick that I can take and suddenly find the light at the end of this tunnel. But he’s going to keep treating me the way I allow him to and if I can’t dominate but cannot stand to submit to him, what the hell am I supposed to do? 

I don’t have an answer for myself, I don’t think any amount of me contemplating this problem is going to solve it. I don’t think Lea’s greed--and that is what I am calling it, for lack of better phrasing because this want to somehow smoosh all of these puzzle pieces that don’t fit together into the distorted jigsaw of his heart, no matter what the cost, is something I can only describe as avarice--is going to dissipate overnight and we have far more important things to focus on than the state of our relationship. It’s not that bad, I tell myself, it is fine. He loves me, I love him, the logistics can be sorted out later. We have a war to win and that isn’t going to happen if we sit around, talking about our feelings when we could be training.

Fortunately for me, Lea sucks at talking about feelings just as bad as I do. That hasn’t changed. And while tension is thick, he still sinks down beside me in bed every night, he still kisses me first thing in the morning, I still reach for his hand when we walk to our room. But everything feels forced. I don’t dread his touch but I am not eager for it. And we don’t talk about that night. The night he told me about Subject X, the night he tried to convince me that I could be happy in a world with Saix. The night I told him that he was wrong. We both know, safely inside of this hyperbolic time chamber, there is no immediate danger of our relationship crashing to an end. Saix isn’t suddenly going to appear here, and at the end of the day, he will always be our biggest roadblock. The fact of the matter is, I love Lea more than anyone, and I worry so deeply that he doesn’t feel the very same. That I am second fiddle to his dearest friend. I could hide myself in Kairi, retreat to her and keep Lea at an arm’s length. But go figure, my best friend wants me to live a well rounded, happy life and was even willing to drop her grudge against my boyfriend, out of love for me. What a fucking concept.

I pick at my nails one day, my spellbook in my lap as Lea and Kairi spar. She’s getting worlds better, learning so much about distance attacks just from fighting beside Lea. He hasn’t said another word on how miserable he is at not being able to summon his Keyblade, but he doesn’t need to. His irritation is clear as day on his face. I’d love to commiserate, but that would require scratching more than the surface.

“No, no, Rueki.” Merlin shakes his head. “Cure, then Reflect.” We’ve been at this for hours, and I have summoned no more than a tiny ghost of a cure leaf, and a hollow, easy to penetrate barrier. I grit my teeth, tense my shoulders, narrow my eyes. I can’t do this, my instincts tell me. This is too much, with Lea, with this, there is no room to budge. This is the truest definition of being caught between a rock and a hard place, no matter which way I shift, it still hurts, it still cuts deep, too deep into everything I am. 

I take a long, sharp breath, stomp my foot and shout.

“Cure!” And I think of myself writhing on the floor inside of the Castle That Never Was, I think of the girl who needed help most, of the girl who screamed that she didn’t know where Axel was and still felt the sting of Saix’s blade. I think of how I want more than anything to go back and help her, to defend her, to nurture and cure her because someone needs to put her first. 

One green leaf materializes and turns to ash almost the second it does. Fuck, shit, dammit.

“Reflect!” But my barrier crumples and rains down on me, disappearing in a crystalline mess. 

“Once more.” Merlin sighs.

“Fuck off, I can’t get it!” I snap. Merlin’s eyes widen. I clench my jaw so tight I feel my teeth might crack against each other. “I’m not meant to be a white mage. I have never had good defenses, I’ll keep Potions on me and try not to be too much of a liability for the others.” I plead but Merlin simply shakes his head. 

“A true magician must be well rounded, Rueki, especially facing Xehanort, who is quite skilled with time magic. Defense will be an ally, not only to you, but to the Keyblade Wielders as well!” Merlin insists. 

“Well then I guess I'm not a fucking magician. I'll go back to alchemy.” I huff. Kairi stops. Lea follows behind her. The two exchange uneasy looks.

“Are you so comfortable giving up when your friends need you? There is no reason to resort to selfishness in the face of defeat.” Merlin says. Oh fuck him.

“I’m smart enough to know when something is out of my realm of ability. I’m not a masochist, I’m good at alchemy, which is a lot less bullshit than this. My black magic is fine, I don’t need some crackpot berating me every chance he--”

“Now, see here!” Merlin begins.

“I get it, I’m a pain in the ass, you don’t need to train me. You’re good, you’re fine. You don’t need to dirty your hands with a fucking failure!” And I stomp off. I don’t think about the consequences of my actions or the fact that I don’t know how to get out of this magical forest, I just think that I need to put as much distance between myself and the eyes that are on me as possible. 

But Lea teleports in front of me quickly and wraps his hands around the top of my arms. I blink.

“I didn’t know you could still teleport.” I confess.

“Is that really what we’re talking about right now, sweetheart?” He asks me, though with apprehension in his voice. 

“It’s what I’m talking about.” I shrug. He heaves a sigh and wraps his arms around me, though my body doesn’t relax into his. “Let go of me, I’m going to go see if Ienzo or Sora need my help.” I protest.

“Wanna tell me how you plan to do that?” He asks. I can nearly see the playful amusement tugging at the edges of his lips, encouraging a smile. I think that under different circumstances, I might like to see that smile. It might make me smile, I might start laughing. This might feel good, I might turn to Merlin with a self deprecating comment and a cheeky smile and offer forgiveness if he just doesn’t give up on teaching me. But I’m over this. I’m over being met by the cold, hard, slap in the face of reality. I can’t do this. I fucking can’t, and I want to run.

“I don’t know, I’ll figure that out on the fly.” Because that’s about all I’m good for. Being thrust into bullshit and trying to shift through the debris. 

“Just like you’ll figure out the magic.” Lea insists. 

“Come on, will you stop?” I huff.

“What if I said I had an idea?” He asks. I pout.

“I’d say your ideas tend to get us killed but right now I’d welcome that.” I grumble. I hear him chuckle as he pulls away. He tucks a finger under my chin, a wicked grin curls at the edges of his lips like burning paper, but this isn’t him being vulnerable and giving me a pep talk. This is him coaxing me off the edge of a clif, with as much flair and dramatics as he can safely muster without me punching him.

“You think for a moment you can stop being sassy, sweetheart? I told you’ve I’ve got an idea, and this one won’t kill anyone. Got it memorized?” Fucking dick. 

“What do you have in mind?” I ask.

“Simple training exercise. Just gotta go over the logistics with Kai and Merlin.” He shrugs.

“Whatever.” I roll my eyes and start traipsing back toward Merlin, squirming out of Lea’s arms. 

“Oh, well, back to see the old crackpot?” Merlin huffs. How many times do I need to roll my eyes at these fuckers before they start to realize I’m over the formalities. Merlin knows he’s going to train me, I don’t know why we need to play like these things aren’t going to happen.

“Come on, you knew I was going to be an asshole like my godfather. I’m sorry I flew off the handle, can we just move on?” I set a hand on my hip. Lea sets a hand on my shoulder.

“Manners, Rueki.” He reminds me.

“Not good at those. And I’m not good with this whole practicing spells until I want to pull my hair out thing. There’s got to be something else that can warrant a little more success. High risk, high payoff something.” I urge. Merlin sighs.

“That is not a conducive or proper way to learn magic.” Merlin insists.

“C’mon Merlin. She’s not exactly great at…” Lea looks between me and the wizard, rubbing the back of his head with a sort of deep apprehension. Finally, he heaves a sigh. “Rueki can’t just be eased into something, you’ve got to force her hand. That’s how she proves herself.” And he’s right, but I steel a glare at my lover, hands curling into fists.

“You wanna force my hand?” I ask. Something sparks in his eyes as he looks at me and rolls his shoulders back. Oh?

“Nah, I think Kairi forcing my hand though might give you some ideas on what proper defense looks like. Maybe it’ll inspire both of us?” He offers. Merlin looks between the two of us with inquisition in his gaze. 

“Mmm, yes.” Merlin nods. “What was your idea, precisely, Lea?” Lea offers Kairi a conspiratorial glance and beckons her over. I raise an eyebrow but Kairi shoves me away so the unlikely trio of her, my boyfriend and my mentor can conspire in whispers about a plan, a plan that Merlin seems pretty adamantly against. Kairi protests more intensely, but Lea throws his hands up and I find myself getting aggravated just looking at the trio.

“Are we going to fucking do something or not?” I finally snap. The three draw apart, Lea looks to Kairi and she nods. Merlin heaves a sigh.

“I don’t believe this is a good idea.” Merlin says, as a last ditch effort. But Kairi’s got this sort of pure determination in her eyes and Lea is unreadable as all hell.

“Rueki, you’re going to watch us fight, we’re going to practice defensive techniques, see if watching us and concentrating on us helps you materialize a spell.” Kairi says, summoning her Keyblade with ease. “And if you can manage to, you can join us in sparring.” She explains. Meanwhile, Lea concentrates on his outstretched hand, but inside of his palm appears a Chakram and not a sword. For a moment, a very broken, very miserable look contorts his features. There is pain, pain so deep that I think of casting aside our dispute for just a moment to comfort him, because his pain hurts even me. This wasn’t part of his plan. He thought he was going to be successful. 

“Hell…” He mutters, shaking his head, but seems to decide this will suffice. He calls forth the other Charkam and swings his arms out. Kairi’s eyes go wide as she steels herself. This is unexpected.

“Back up, Rueki!” Merlin urges me and the two of us do leap back to seperate edges of the arena. I rock back on my heels, watching Kairi adjust her grip on her blade as she toes carefully around the edges of the arena. Lea’s eyes blaze, he sways like a candle in the wind, head tilted to the side, as if taunting her to make a foolish first move.

But where I am weak, Kairi is strong. The girl knows waiting better than anyone. Instead of springing forward with an impatient and poorly timed move, Kairi simply begins to move, further and further from him. I think it’s a dumb move, with a blade at hand, she should be focused on close range attacks, but she and Lea are simply sizing each other up. She squares her shoulders, grits her teeth, narrows her eyes. Lea doesn’t need to overwhelm her with a flourish of his Charkams.

But he does.

Lea whips his Chakrams forward, crossing his arms as he releases his weapon in a rapid flurry at her. Kairi is quick to react, twirling her Keyblade like a baton in retaliation as she sends his attack straight back at him. Lea moves so dangerously fast though to retrieve his weapon--too fast. I blink back spots, because there is no way darkness is pooling at the edges of him. Kairi looks equally as distraught though, goosebumps prickling on her arms.

“My turn!” She says, barreling at him, but Lea does not grant her a turn, instead, he whips his Chakrams at her too fast. She gasps and rolls out of the way of the first one, but the second crashes into her and knocks her straight onto her back. “What the hell, Lea, it was my turn!” She snaps and quickly climbs back to her feet.

“Oh, really? Tell me more, princess.” He taunts, a mirthless, malevolent smile distorting his features. Kairi narrows her eyes as she readies her blade once more.

“You’re acting like a dick, how do you expect this to help Rueki?” She growls, charging at him. Kair leaps up high, Keyblade twisted back, over her head as she descends upon him, but Lea smashes into her and the spikes of his Chakrams don’t just knock her back, they bite into her soft flesh. She hits the ground, hand skimming across her stomach. Over freshly drawn blood. My heart misses a beat.

“Lea, you’re fucking hurting her!” I snap. What the hell is his problem, this is supposed to be a class on defensive techniques, not knocking Kairi back, there are safe ways to practice and this isn’t it. 

“You asshole, I liked this shirt!” Kairi takes her blade and chucks it at him from across the field, her Strike Raid sending enough force that Lea should be knocked back, on his ass. The sheer effort has Kairi gasping as hard hitting isn’t her motif, not by a long shot. Her arms tremble as she tries to push herself up, and right herself she does. Just as Lea catches her blade in his hand. His eyes light up, a smirk flicks onto his lips. He is surprised and utterly pleased. Kairi’s breath hitches. “Lea...what are you…”

He turns to me, and this time, in his eyes, there is nothing green, jade, emerald, whatever. His eyes are molten yellow.

It wasn’t an illusion, darkness was creeping in...but when...but how.

“Lea…” I try in a voice like glass.

“This wasn’t part of the plan.” Kairi breathes.

“We’ve been infiltrated by the Seeker’s! Kairi, Rueki, run!” And just like that, Lea no… Axel, sends Kairi’s wayward Keyblade straight through Merlin. The wizard combusts with a burst of light and Kairi’s Keyblade disintegrates along with him.

“Merlin!” She screams, eyes wide and watery as she looks up to Axel, who teleports instantly in front of her. Oh no, oh fuck no.

“Don’t pay any mind to him, Kairi. Why don’t you come to me, I’ll make it all stop.” He taunts. His eyes find mine and there is no trace of the man I love, his eyes find mine, golden and hollow and my blood runs cold. I knew there was a darkness, a loathing for himself that accompanied his failure to summon a Keyblade, but neither in my darkest nightmares or my wildest dreams could I have foreseen losing him. But there was that look on his face when he failed to summon it this time, when he planned to help me. Panic creeps in as I realize that moment of weakness must've been all Xehanort needed. “Or do you need a hero to save you, princess?”

“This princess can save herself!” With the snap of Kairi's wrist, I watch as she tries to summon her Keyblade back into her hand. Tries and fails. I watch as her big eyes grow impossibly wide with horror. No matter how she tries, no matter what sort of vigor she moves with, the blade will not materialize. “What the hell did you do to my Keyblade, Lea?” She cries.

“It's not Lea.” The words come gravely, godlessly from my mouth. This is Axel. And not the Axel I met or the Axel I fell in love with, but the Axel Xemnas corrupted. Axel as he would've been without me, without Roxas. If Axel had walked the same dark path as Saix, there is no doubt in my mind he would've stood like this, facing me in the throne room, would've been the victim of my ground electric current in The World That Never Was. It is ridiculous that an anagram of his name can change who he is, what he resonates as in my heart, but it makes all the difference. I can forgive Lea because Axel's sins are not his. I can forgive Lea for everything because he is my future and Axel was my past and I am not so naive that I truly believe the two are different people in my head, but if I can make that distinction in my mind, sort them into different boxes, then my heart can be spared the pain and the trauma that accompanies our past. But if he is that person again, if he is the worst version of himself that he has ever been then…

Then he is my enemy. And I will fight him. And I will not harm him beyond repair and I will not kill him, but I will not let him tempt me with darkness and I will fight with everything I have to reclaim him. I know what I want from this life. Darkness will have no room to find footing. I will drag him back from whatever depths his heart has submitted to. I will drag him back with teeth and nails and all of the grit I have in me, and I have grit for days.

With the flourish of my hands, La Luxure appears. A demented grin lights his features.

“Well what are you waiting for, sweetheart? Light my fire.” 

As quickly as my legs will take, I fly at him, Knuckles drawn back, wind whipping my hair. A wild cry spills from my lips, he cackles and meets me half the way, smashing his Chakrams into me. His attack rips clean through the fabric of my shirt, shredding the material below my ribs into ribbons. I clutch my middle, skidding back gritting my teeth as I regard him. I'm nowhere near patient enough for him though. He's deadly calculating, but I'm nothing if not enduring. I dive in tearing across the arena as I whip my Knuckles back. They smash down directly on his Chakrams, sparks fly around us as metal devours metal. I press into him as I struggle for footing on the low ground, body clenched. My shoulders shake, my arms ripple, my back, my legs, every ounce of me goes into this as I surge upward. But for my speed, for how easily I have caught onto magic, my strength has nothing on his. He wheels his Chakrams around, they spin wildly against my Knuckles, flames roaring to life upon his weapon.

“Come on, sweetheart, I thought you were stronger than this!” He leers, leaning in. I grunt, pushing with all my weight and he laughs, all venom and violence.

“You can rot in hell if you think you can use this vessel against me, Xehanort.” I snarl.

“No Xehanort here, Rueki, it's all me.” But even the way he says my name sounds wrong. 

“Mmm, even better. Punching your stupid fucking face will be much more satisfying.” But finally, finally, he overpowers me and with the spin of his Chakrams, I go sailing back, straight in front of Kairi. I skid across the arena, choking as I try to breathe, she crouches down right beside me.

“Cure.” She sets a hand to my shoulder and suddenly, I can stand, but she at least has the courtesy to help me to my feet. 

“You need to go.” I warn her. “You can’t fight, you’re not safe here.” And it’s not a slight, I’m certain that she knows this, but she just clutches my arm, all the more tightly, shaking her head beside me.

“I can still heal you, we both know you’ll need it.” She insists.

“I’m fine, I’ve got enough Potions to--” But Axel throws his arms out, spreading them wide as he summons a wall of fire and, with another wave of his hands and sends it spiralling right into us. “Fuck, behind me!” I order, and quickly, Kairi ducks directly behind me, I cross my arms in front of us, letting the guards absorb the brunt of the attack, but still go skidding across the arena, wincing as we slide. “Come, on, Kai!”

“Are you going to cry when the princess gets captured by the bad guys, yet again, sweetheart?” Axel taunts as the smoke clears.

“Freeze!” I cry out summoning my newer, stronger blizzard spell to my Knuckles. I take one and whip it at him with all of my might. He evades it quickly, a nasty smile contorting his features, but on the rebound, my Knuckles come spiralling back toward me and pierce straight into him. I don’t delight in his scream at all. The very sound of it has me clutching my own stomach as my Knuckles soar into my hands. “What the fuck happened to you?” I beg. He sneers at me, clutching his abdomen.

“What can I say, darkness always finds a way.” But it doesn’t and it won’t. I charge at him, Knuckles drawn back, but this time, he doesn’t meet me halfway with an attack of his own. I get all the way to him and, instead of landing an attack that knocks him back and hopefully to his senses, suddenly, he is gone. I stumble, falling to my knees with the sheer momentum, and by time I have regained my breath and have pushed myself to my feet, I hear a scream.

“Let me go!” Kairi is thrashing, kicking, biting, grabbing at his hair, clawing at his eyes, anything she can. She stomps her feet, tears burning at her eyes as she struggles, but she cannot get free. I know she cannot. I know how strong he is and the second I see that Axel is pinning both hands behind her back and taking her to the ground, I know she will not be able to break his hold. My breath hitches, my eyes widen.

“Let. Her. Go.” I growl, and suddenly, I am the lioness all over again. My eyes burn, my body starts to crackle with electric current as I approach. 

“You want her, sweetheart?” He asks. “Maybe you should prove you’re strong enough to rescue her.” He taunts. I see immediately why Sora wanted him dead in Castle Oblivion so badly. Naminé aside, if he had spent the past several floors taunting me like this, questioning my worth, questioning the care for my loved ones and dangling their safety in front of me, I would have sliced him clean in two without a second’s hesitation. If he wants to play the bad guy, so be it. If he’s so convinced that the darkness has won the battle inside of him, then I will not feel bad about breaking through every barrier until I am reunited with the man I love. Tension or no, we have endured every single obstacle that has ever come between the two of us. Me having to fight through him acting like a dick is nothing new.

My nostrils flare as I sprint at him once again, calling out a Blizzaga spell as I thrust my Knuckles in his direction. The spell crashes into him, knocking him straight back courtesy of a barrage of icicles. His grip on Kairi falls slack, just enough to allow her a moment’s reprieve. She takes a breath, slams an elbow into him and comes sprinting over to me. I don’t know where she could run, much as I want her to, I cannot think of a safer destination for her. We don’t know this forest, Kairi does not have a secret hideaway in which she can escape Axel undetected. If I am her would be protector then really, it is better for her to be at my side, safely tucked behind me. 

“You think you’re gonna play the hero? Not today, sweetheart.” He seethes, rolling his shoulders back as he rights himself. “Do you really think you’ve got what it takes to fight me off?”

“Let’s try another freeze raid and we can try to decide from there.” I sneer. He takes a predatory step toward me, but I do not falter. Behind me, Kairi flinches. 

“Big word from such a little girl.” He taunts.

“Short joke, clever.” I scoff.

“Oh no, I was just taking a walk down memory lane. A nice little trip for us.” He strides closer, body swaying, like the flames that build at the edge of his being. With each step he takes, embers are left in his wake. I square my shoulders and clench my fists. 

“I’m not afraid to punch that pretty face.” I warn him.

“Because at the end of the day, no matter how dramatic you are, no matter how much you throw yourself around like you’re some big hero, you’re still just a scared little girl who runs from her feelings, who runs from conflict.” He leers. “No matter what you do, no matter where you go--”

“Freeze!” I chuck La Luxure at him, a newer, stronger blizzard spell fresh on the blades. This isn’t just Blizzaga anymore, it’s Blizzaza, and he feels every bit the sting of the spell. I see his concentration break. I see the gold flicker in his eyes and become green for just the fraction of a second. I don’t hold my breath though. My throat is tight, my heart clenches, his words are sufficiently under my skin, creeping like mites and if I don’t focus on cutting him down, my mind will stray to the sting.

My Knuckles come back to me and Axel’s very golden eyes seem to roar with hatred.

“Fine, you wanna put on a show for the princess, let’s put on a show.” He flies at me, Chakrams at the ready and I meet him, Knuckles drawn back. We smash into one another and I feel myself about to fly back, but in retaliation, I think quickly.

“Magnera!” And I focus on him, my body to his, dangerously close to his. He is pulled in, against his will, but he grits his teeth and smashes his weapon into me with a hell of a force. He slashes me, I parry him, sweat drips down my face, I see the muscles in his shoulders twitch and know I am getting somewhere. I slam my Knuckles into him, he staggers, catching his breath. 

“Oh, so you aren’t a complete failure?” His voice is taunting.

“You’re a novice piece of shit who can’t summon his own Keyblade!” I snap. He clenches his jaw so tight, it pulls a feral scowl across his lips. 

“You know what, don’t say you weren’t asking for this.” He scowls and slams his Chakrams down onto me. I yelp, skidding backward, toward Kairi. 

“You fuck.” I sneer. He swipes his blades at me, and with all of my might, I hold my arms up, in an ‘x’, thankful that I dutifully bring my arm guard and weapon with me to every training session. He is unrelenting, however. He beats and beats and beats and I lose ground with each smash of his weapon. My heart hammers, my breath staggers, I feel myself growing closer and closer to where Kairi stands, defenseless with only me as her form of protection. I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what to do, I feel helpless, I feel foolish and idiotic. I feel so beyond hopeless, I don’t even catch the words coming out of my mouth. “Reflect!” In my desperation, I forget that I can’t cast a proper Reflect spell to save my life.

It doesn’t matter, a massive force field appears around Kairi and I, a perfect dome, made up of translucent hexagons. Through our barrier, I watch Axel fly across the field, spiralling wildly the very same way Xigbar did when I electrocuted him. My heart has all but stopped, I don’t even think about my success until my barrier fades.

My barrier fades, and I see a curved, firey blade on the ground beside Axel…His Keyblade.

That fucker.

I turn to Kairi, eyes burning. She is beaming and throws her arms around me.

“He was right! All you needed was a push!” She cheers. This fucking asshole. I weasel my way out of her arms, jaw set, face pale.

“You fucking lied to me.” I say.

“And certainly, it was a gamble, one I was not comfortable with. Of course, using magic to fake the color of Lea’s eyes and my own demise was certainly challenging, but a challenge well worth it. Alas, that was a sublime Reflect spell, I’ve never seen someone cast Reflega on their first try, but for the work you put in and the danger you felt you were in...truly, inspiring, Rueki. Truly inspiring indeed.” Merlin’s voice sounds off, I turn to where he now stands, fully reappeared behind me and I think I could commit murder.

“You fucking dick.” I turn around, eyes narrowed as I look to Axel, no, Lea, who now has green eyes and looks so very proud of himself.

“I told you to trust my plan, that no one would die.” He says, leaning back in his own arms as he sits up properly.

“Oh, you’re fucking wrong, you’re gonna die right now, you selfish, manipulative, snake--” I draw La Luxure back, but Kairi grabs my arms and yanks me toward her.

“Stop it, Rueki!” She pleads.

“Back the fuck off, Kai!” I snap. 

“He did what you needed him to!” She insists. “Yes, he might have pushed you, but has he ever not made it up to you? Have you guys ever not worked it out in that very situation?”

“Now is not the time to--”

“Do you know what I think, Rueki?” I want to tell her no, and that I don’t care, but she doesn’t give me the chance. “I think that you need him to be the villain sometimes so that you can be a hero. And he did just that, he did the dirty work so that you could be successful, and maybe he lied to you and maybe he taunted you, but you know he loves you, you know he didn’t mean any of that.”

But I look in Lea’s eyes, and I know that while some of it was for theatrics--and that I can forgive, of course I can forgive because he’s a brilliant actor and transfixing as all hell to watch--but some of it was his passive aggressive way of confronting our argument the other night. And for that, I could fucking pummel him. 

“And Lea, you summoned your Keyblade.” Kairi beams. He offers her a very fake half grin that I can see through a mile away, but I suppose that is a success on his part, and despite wanting to mash his face in, the best courtesy I can offer for his victory is to leave him the hell alone. My arms fall limp, Kairi releases me.

“And hey, I was actually trying too. Let’s see if I can do it again.” And with the flourish of his hand, Lea does summon his Keyblade perfectly.

“That’s awesome!” Kairi applauds.

“Yes, congratulations indeed, today has been quite the success, and yet, quite exhausting. You are all excused for the day.” Merlin nods, and Kairi instantly traipses toward Lea, who she quickly helps to his feet. 

“Let’s go check out the forest, celebrate a little instead of just going back to the house!” Kairi suggests.

Lea meets my eyes, and I can see hope spark.

Hope that I don’t even feel guilty extinguishing.

“You guys go ahead, I want to keep practicing my spells.”


	17. Chapter 17

XVII.

I have won a million arguments with Lea in my own head.

“Reflega!” The barrier materializes easily around me, truly I am baffled at how despite my lack of success for too long, conjuring a Reflect spell now comes as easily and naturally as breathing. This new found ability is pleasing. I'm thankful that I've learned it. I'm not an ungrateful...I'm not…

I'm not fucking happy.

I have grumbled a thousand statements, screamed the words I have been too petty to say to Lea for far too long.

‘If my mental health means so little to you, this is doomed.’

‘Why in any world would you think it's okay to pick at my insecurities to push me to summon magic? Do you even give a fuck about me, or am I just a means to an end to get Saix back on your side?’

‘I'm afraid the person you're turning into is a person who doesn't love me. You want to play everyone's hero to make up for your past, but you still haven't made up for choosing me last. And I can't be selfless and alright with you choosing the greater good over me. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I would have chosen you over everything, I don't think it's wrong to want the same in return.’ 

White Magic requires such a delicate touch, I am feather light in my delivery, and that alone requires an immense amount of concentration. I shouldn't have any spare energy to be pissed at Lea, I shouldn't even be able to cast him a thought. And yet, I find a way. He always finds a way in. 

“Cure!” A vibrant duo of bright green leaves materialize, raining sparkles down upon the arena. 

And the worst part? The very worst part? I know he isn't out there, talking things over with Kairi, trying to gauge her reaction on how to bridge the gap that divides the two of us. I know he's not sitting there, tail between his legs thinking that he might have made a mistake. I know that he is not out there in the woods missing me, hating the distance between the two of us. He is out there, laughing, with my best friend. He is staring out at the vibrant, setting sun with a spark in his eyes and passion in his voice. He is victorious and his entire world is gold, and I exist on an entirely different plane. My discontent will not blacken this glorious day for him and I don't want to ruin his success I just want him to….

I want him to give a fuck.

“Hey.” I wheel around with venom in my eyes that is quickly remedied when I realize the lightness in the voice, the gentle pitter patter of the footsteps. Wrong gorgeous redhead. 

“Oh, hi.” I say, pressing my lips together in attempt to quell rage that is not directed towards her. 

“How was practicing your spells?” Kairi asks, linking her arms behind her back as she finds her way to me.

“Fine.” I reply flatly, because I have nothing to offer her. My mind is working a thousand miles a minute, trying to concoct the perfect words to say to Lea to properly convey my hurt. I remember Neku’s words, I remember him reminding me that it is perfectly acceptable to shoulder hurt and love for the same person. Lea is my partner, for as absolutely nuts as he drives me, I need to at least go into this confrontation with a plan and a clear mind. I'm sure that I'll end up screaming at him, I'm not foolish --or optimistic --enough to believe that this argument between the two of us will go a different way than any other, especially since I'm already seeing red. But hey, at least I can say I didn’t go in looking for a fight.

“We missed you, celebrating. Merlin actually got us some ice cream to celebrate the fact that we all had some pretty major successes today. It was nice.” She says, timidly, rocking back on her heels.

“That's nice for you guys.” She doesn't deserve how snippy I am, but the control I have on my temper is subpar at best. She bites her lip.

“You're really mad.” She observed and I sigh.

“Yes! Of course I am!” I throw my hands up. “Not at you.” I clarify.

“You know, Axel was only trying to help you!” She insists. And I think to correct her slip of the tongue, because Lea hasn't been Axel in a long time, but she starts babbling again before I can even form a sentence. “You should've heard him talk when he came up with that idea! He didn't mean anything negative by it, he was so excited to be able to help you, he couldn't wait to watch the look on your face when you finally got it!”

“But the problem is, he was willing to talk to everyone else about this great little idea. Everyone except for me!” I snap.

“Come on, you know you couldn't have known! Axel was right and you know it, you don't do well when it comes to being eased into things but every time you dive in and are forced to just react, you pass any test you are given with flying colors!” She reminds me and again with the Axel. “He loves you so much, anyone can see that! I think it was brave of him to do what you needed and not what you wanted. It's hard to let down the people you love, even when it wouldn't be smart to do what they want you to.” 

“The fact of the matter is that he didn't talk to me though. He never tells me anything because my opinions don't matter to him as long as he can justify this all in some demented way, he is perfectly content to stomp on anything I want or feel!” I insist.

“How can you say that, it's so easy to see he loves you and would do anything for you!” She takes a step closer, bold despite a clear anxiety over my agitation. 

“Are you sure he loves me? Because it seems like he's content to watch me suffer as long as he can get Roxas and Saix and everyone else back! He's so happy to have all of them, he doesn't even need me!” 

Silence hangs heavily, draping itself over Kairi and I. I watch as she struggles with her hands, her arms, her entire body, trying to decide what to do with herself. 

“You guys had a fight.” She whispers.

“Yeah. A little while ago. And I've been trying something new and not losing my shit on him.” I explain, eyes flicking to the ground. Kairi quickly decides to be an absolute angel and wraps her arms tightly around me.

“Why didn't you tell me? I would've yelled at him, or at least gave him the silent treatment.” And truly, she is so perfect. I hug her back, sighing as my head hits her shoulder. 

“Because you guys had just become civil and I didn't want to ruin it. He's being a shit boyfriend, that doesn't mean he's a shit person. He wanted so badly to earn your forgiveness. I still love him, I didn't want to step on that.” I inform her, squeezing her back.

“That was impressively not vindictive of you.” She pats my back. 

“I'm really maturing.” I reply dryly, but at least I get to savor her windchime laugh. 

“You should talk to him, Rueki. Seriously. He loves you so much, I'm sure he doesn't want you to hurt.” She tries.

“No, of course he doesn't. But he also expects be to not be hurt while he tries to redeem the man who maimed me.” I mutter. “He doesn't want me to hurt, but he's definitely not taking into consideration the fact that his actions and his friendships do hurt me. That or he thinks my feelings are dumb and wants me to turn them off, which like, me too man.”

“There's got to be some sort of middle ground.” She smooths my hair. “Some sort of compromise.”

“Yeah, we're both shit at compromising.” I grumble. 

“You've just got to communicate.” She offers.

“I do.”

“Yelling and throwing things isn't communicating.” She says.

“Next thing I know, you're gonna tell me that being loud doesn't automatically win an argument.” I smirk.

“Have I told you that you're a hot mess lately?” She asks. I shrug.

“I dunno, time passes weirdly here, I don't know if it's actually been a long time since you've last told me or not.” I reply.

“Well as long as you know.” With the gentle squeeze of my arms, she pulls away from me. “You know there's always a spot in my bed for your. What kind of best friend am I if I'm not there to pep talk you through fights with your man?” She asks. 

“How are you so perfect?” I ask. 

“I dunno, it just comes natural to me.” She giggles, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Congrats on your white magic, by the way. That reflect barrier was badass.”

“I mean hey, of course, gotta protect my girl from scary red headed monsters.” I tease.

“You know, said scary red headed monster mentioned that he was pretty excited for you too.” She starts. I press my lips together. 

“I don't know, I don't wanna get into it with him right now.” I confess 

“So just don't.” She says. I snort.

“Yeah, cuz me ignoring our issues is working so well.” I roll my eyes.

“Oh, don't be a brat. Just go to him, tell him you're proud of him for summoning his Keyblade. I bet it would mean the world to him.” She suggests.

“Ugh, probably, but can you imagine his ego if I start praising him now?” I ask.

“Well if Axel gets too big of a head, I'll just smack him around extra good with my Keyblade.” She grins wickedly, and while I would like to carry on with her playful energy, I am thoroughly distracted now. 

“Dude what is the deal? That is the third time you've done that.” I say. Her face scrunches up.

“Third time I've done what?”

“Called him Axel.” She looks at me like ‘duh’. “Just a weird slip of the tongue.”

“It's not…” She chews her lip and sucks in a breath. “You haven't talked to him at all…” Like she's just now remembering that, and I can't seem to put two and two together but she looks horrified. “I think you should go talk to him.” She says, hesitantly. 

My blood runs cold.

“Kairi, level with me.” I urge her. She shakes her head.

“None of this is my story to tell, Rueki. He got emotional, I'd feel weird--”

“He got emotional about what?” I ask. She shakes her head. 

“I don't know, he didn't seem to either. He said he was just trying to remember something he was forgetting!” She insists, anxiety creeping into her voice. 

“Then what the hell is this all about?” I ask.

“Rueki, come on!” She pleads.

“No, you come the fuck on, Kairi!” I snap. She recoils and instantly, I regret my actions. “Please!” I beg, in a far gentler tone. She looks at me with stubbornness and struggle in her eyes before finally she heaves a huge sigh.

“I don't know, Rueki, he just kept apologizing for things that aren't his fault and the he told me that I remind him of something that he can't seem to remember and then he told me to start calling him Axel and I don't know, Rueki. He just seemed so awkward and unsure and I think if you guys talked --”

“I'm going to kill him.” I tear off, hands balled into fists, jaw clenched.

“Rueki, please!” Kairi cries out. I pause, mouth tight, eyes hard, but I don't turn around.

“Kai, I need to settle this.” I tell her flatly. 

“Just…” She hesitates. “Don't do anything that's going to hurt your heart, please.”

“I won't. Not ever again.” 

A million thoughts run through my mind. A thousand arguments are won. I throw open our bedroom door and his vulnerable gaze focused at the ceiling is almost enough to scatter my thoughts like ashes.

This man. This very obviously broken man.

“Why the fuck do you want to be called Axel?” I ask. He sits up, eyes wide, and I don't even enter from the doorway. If I take one step closer I will cave, I will falter.

One of us has to care about me enough to fight for me.

“Rueki...look…” And he meets my eyes, hands raised, and I realize. I don't want to know. It doesn't matter. There is no excuse he could concoct that could change my mind, there is nothing that will...this is not a matter of trust, it's not a matter of love.

I just don't have faith in him. Not anymore.

“You know it doesn't actually matter, I'm staying in Kairi's room, fuck you.” I snap.

“You're losing your shit because I asked someone else to call me a different name?” He scoffs, eyebrows raised.

“I'm losing my shit because Axel was a dick and the secrets he kept from me were inexcusable. If that's who you want to be, then I can't do this.” I shake my head.

“So that's it? A name? That's all it takes to get you to want to run away? I'm not gonna keep doing this back and forth shit with you, Rueki, I'm too fucking old to keep playing games with a grudge holding little bitch who dips out the second something doesn't go her way!” 

And there goes my shoe. It smacks him square in the chest and he lets out a loud huff.

“Oh wow, sweetheart, very mature. I can tell I chose a real winner.” He snorts, derisively. 

“Says a lying, manipulative, selfish dick who clearly is incapable of changing from the heartless monster he used to be! You and fucking Saix deserve each other!” I spit. “I hope you're happy with him, I hope you're fucking happy resorting to the piece of shit you used to be, I was a fucking idiot to think there was a future that existed where you actually gave a shit about me!”

“Says the girl who plays the same damn card every single time. You're so one note all the time, the crazy bitch routine only works when you actually follow through instead of just threatening to leave me every single time you don't get your way just so you know, you spoiled fucking brat.” He snarls.

“Spoiled? Fuck you, the one thing I can't compromise on is that I don't want the person I love to be buddies with the man who has made himself my one person judge, jury and executioner.” I shout.

“Really now? Is that what you tell yourself to sleep at night? You are so inflexible, rigid, self centered, uncaring --”

“Fuck you!” I scream. 

“No, fuck you, Rueki, you're not worth the energy. You want to call me selfish, but that seems a whole lot like deflecting if you ask me!” He leers, suddenly standing. Every fiber of my body screams for me to lunge and attack. My heart begs me to fight, my mind swears that he is my enemy. No longer is it us against the world, but me against him and the divide is so clear. He's played double agent so long, pretending to please any and everyone, he must've forgotten that it isn't possible. And I had to remind him, of course I did. Because he's right about one thing. I'm a bitch. I refuse to let him live his fucked up little fantasy, while I'm over here trying to salvage our reality. 

“That's really cute, but forgive me if your words don't mean a thing to me. I have no desire to listen to a man so full of shit he needed to pretended to be some possessed villain in order to bully me in front of my best friend.” I roll my eyes.

“Maybe I wouldn't still associate with being that person if I ever felt like you forgave me for being that way!” He roars. Flames pool at the edge of his being. He radiates, at the edge of losing control. At the edge of losing each other, and he's still so desperate to cling to his pride. I'm not better but…

But I'm okay with that. I can't spend forever trying to fan the flames.

“I don't. I can't.” I say, voice shaking. He freezes. So do I. I watch every muscle in his body go tight and I think he is going to unleash on me. But he doesn't and before the silence begins to crush us, before we suffocate on this tension, before repression can cut any deeper, I take the leap. The one note bitch. But I'm the only one who has the balls to...who… “I don't think we should be together anymore.” 

And as though it really was possessing him, I do watch the fight leave his body all at once.

“Fine.” He says, in a voice as void as a phantom. 

“Fine.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had a major case of sads. My brother moved, a lot of personal stuff went on and I woke up this morning to my first negative review on ff.net which like...cool. I'm soft as shit, I get putting my stuff out there leaves it open to criticism but like I don't understand why someone would say "in my opinion this needs a lot of work " to someone's creation. Whatever. I'm down af about it and really thought about just not writing anymore, just killing Rueki off and being but like...how selfish when everyone on AO3 is awesome...so I decided to impromptu post Cuz you guys make me happy. Enjoy!

XVIII.

I stay the nights with Kairi, she braids my hair and tells me sweet things and keeps the nightmares away. 

I tally the impossible, nonexistent days without him.

Two, four, six, eight.

My magic has improved. I train separately from the others, Merlin has allowed me a room of the house to practice in, however begrudgingly and all of my spells reach at least third tier, if not grand magic status. My focus is unbreakable, I am unstoppable. 

Kairi celebrates with hugs and shows me the Gummi phone Merlin gave her and her ‘comrade’ so that they could keep training notes. We take selfies and I smile blithely as she purposefully dances around saying the name that repeats like a mantra in my mind. 

Ten, twelve, fourteen, sixteen. 

The fire is out. Nothing warms me. I am frostbitten in my heart and I think perhaps this is my most natural state of being. Chilled to the bone and quite unfeeling, I find comfort in going through the motions, because at least I rid myself of someone I never mattered to in the first place.

Kairi and I explore the forest, we brush the shore of a small but scenic pond and I go to make a joke about how ‘remember when we were in Motunui and we got into that dumb fight about who would lead the mission and I fell in the water and Larxene said you literally fucked the brains out of me?’. But I don't and she won't. I pause in my tracks and tears start to burn at my vision. My throat is tight and constricted but I shove it all down before she can see the agony that crosses my face. Because this is fine. I just miss the comfort, the familiarity. I miss what I know because I am only human.

Eighteen, twenty, twenty two, twenty four. 

He has been so good at avoiding me. So very good and I am so thankful. I haven't seen his face in almost a month and I think that is for the best, because he was right. My threats never did anything for either of us. I'd get an attitude and say something hurtful. I would keep placing nonsensical blame on him, instead of accepting the fact that I'm an idiot and change needs to come from within. I act like a fool, I act insane, expecting a different outcome from the same scenarios. I'm not as smart as I want to be; and clouded by him, I can never grow. I cannot rise above when I am so caught up in the current of our push and pull. 

But I have dreams, constant dreams about him. About laying with twisted limbs, gentle voices and tender touches. I beg for forgiveness. He obliges and begs for mine. We talk and promise change and plan for actions that show love, that show that we can be better than what we have been reduced to. We settle into the ease of our current and it's as easy as breathing. No one needs to dominate, we move seamlessly, as one. 

I wake up beside Kairi and none of it was real and I chomp down on my lips to silence myself as I weep. 

I'm only human, I don't miss him, I miss the comfort of lying chest to chest with a lover, I tell myself. The objects of my dreams are just that, dreams and they can never become reality. I didn't simply leave a perfect relationship. I left a mess and I will find attraction and sensuality and tenderness in another. I don't need to keep going back to what I know.

Twenty six, twenty eight, thirty, thirty two. 

My fingers linger over where Kairi put Sora’s contact info into my phone and I contemplate calling him so I can hear a voice that sounds so much like Roxas’. Kairi is perfect, Kairi is an angel, I am so lucky to have her constantly assuring, trying to warm my cold with her shining heart. But I feel disgusting, a grown adult leaning so heavily on a teenage girl, just because her heart can shoulder my misery. I don't deserve her, and I think perhaps if I can disperse my baggage more evenly --onto Roxas, onto Amaya, onto Yuffie, onto anyone who can tolerate me -- that perhaps I will not feel like such a despicable burden. But I can't and I won't and when Kairi asks how I am doing and squeezes my hand, I lie.

“Good, fine. This was for the best.” She sees through it and begs me for honesty. I distract her by telling her stories about Naminé or asking her to spar, or taking selfies. She is not so easily swayed, I know she is reluctant, but she's so good and is willing to do anything that she thinks will ease my ache, and she does, at least for a while. 

We settle in to sleep and I breathe in the smell of strawberries, honeysuckles and sunshine against the sheets. The smell of Kairi. 

I would light myself on fire just to smell the scent of bonfire once more. 

Thirty four, thirty six, thirty eight, forty. 

I forget what it feels like to have Lea's heat beside me. I lose the sound of his laugh. I am nearly sick upon this discovery. 

I am so desperate to feel some, someone moving against me, to feel lips on my throat and hands on my waist that I think of trying to call Xigbar into my dreams. Sleeping with the enemy can't really be so bad when my enemy is an absolute snack and I still intend to maim him regardless of whether or not he is good in bed.

I consider the prospect of moving on, of what I might want from a potential lover in my future and instantly I think: smart, quick witted and quick thinking. Playful, but someone that stimulates and excites me, both intellectually and physically. Someone that is the exact same level of asshole that I am.

My thoughts give me pause, bring me hesitation, cause my throat to constrict as I realize I don't want to sleep with someone else, I don't want to be with anyone else. 

I miss Lea. 

And just like that, a landslide of thoughts floods my mind, and my brain is all emerald green eyes and lanky muscles and stupid catch phrases.

Forty two, forty four, forty six, forty eight. 

“How is Lea?” Kairi flinches as though she's been hit by my words. She nibbles her lips, curls her legs like a pretzel, smooths imaginary lines out of her shorts. 

“Do you actually want to know or do you just want to torture yourself?” She asks in a barely audible voice. 

“Kai…” I begin.

“You know, pretending that you're not suffering doesn't suddenly mean it's not happening.” She says, with a furrowed brow. 

“I'm not trying to--”

“You know, whatever you choose, I'll support you, you were my friend first but...that's just it. I won't tell you all about him just so you can have something to sit there and think about to make yourself sad.” She grabs my hand. My stomach drops. My insides fall endlessly and I force myself up and out of bed. 

“I think I need to go for a walk.” I say, rising with shaky legs.

“You don’t need to go.” She pleads. “I didn’t mean to...I’m sorry, Rueki, I just don’t want you to hurt.” 

“You’re good, Kai. You’re more than good. I’d have lost my mind already without you. But I need to go clear my head. Maybe I’ll do some more practicing or something.” I shrug. Her eyes all but twinkle as she looks at me.

“If you need me, come get me. Please, Rueki. You don’t need to cry alone. Not when I can be here for you.” But I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve shed tears in front of anyone, and I don’t want to add any more numbers to the list. Especially this girl, who has already been forced to grow up too fast. She deserves better than this, better than me. I offer her a quick hug.

“You’re too pure for this world, kid.” I tell her, and then, I head out of her room and down the hall.

It is on my way, to my magic room, that after a month and a half, I see him.

He’s wearing a black shirt that clings so deliciously to every bit of his chest. His pants hang loosely off his hips. He’s got a popsicle stick hanging between his lips and I swear, I didn’t think it was possible, but in the past forty eight days, he has become more beautiful than I can fathom. He stops. I stop. He is not even a foot away from me. The popsicle stick falls from his lips, my body goes limp. He is close enough to touch. I can reach out and set a hand against his abdomen. I can close the distance and bury my face in his shirt, I bet he still smells the same, I bet his lips still taste the way I remember them. My body hurts. Not just in a ‘my heart is breaking’ way. No, looking at him, close enough to reach out to, but not wrapped in each other, I feel as though part of me has been amputated. I’m reminded of my hazy hallucination of my own jagged aura, in Radiant Garden, and certainly, I feel more jagged, more shattered than ever.

“Hi.” His voice sends a jolt through my insides, reanimating me. 

“Hey.” I breathe, though the voice that comes from me doesn’t sound like my own. 

We stare at each other, wide eyes, trembling hands, and my eagerness overwhelms me. 

“Um…” He starts.

“Yeah.” And we pass each other, me on the way to my magic room, him heading toward the room we used to share. The bed we used to share.

I mean to practice my magic. I do. But I spend all of fifteen minutes in the room before my pride crumbles like a house of glass. 

I don’t want anyone else, I don’t want my pride. I want him. And that is the singular desire that my mind is able to wrap itself around as I fly to his room, tap on his door and take a step inside. He sits on his bed… our bed, wearing sweats and no shirt and I am all hormones.

“Hey.” His eyes widen.

“Hi.” I murmur. And somehow, once again, we are locked in place, suddenly awkward teenagers, unable to approach one another, unable to confront one another. My hand slides against the door frame. I take a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I was the one who took the plunge, I was the one who had the balls to…

It has to be me.

“Can I sleep here tonight?”

“Yes.” The words leave his mouth like a reflex. I throw the door shut behind me and leap to the bed, into his arms. And suddenly, my dreams are reality. Our limbs are twined, he scoops me into his arms, he runs hands through my hair, his lips dance, flutter, ghost across my shoulders. I slide my hands into his shirt, trace the muscles of his back, breathe him in. And I was right, he smells exactly how I remember, perfectly. 

He smells like home.

“Does this mean we’re--” He starts.

“It does. Of course it does.” I nod against his chest.

“Thank fuck.” He squeezes me impossibly tight, crushing me to his chest. 

“I’m sorry, and I love you so much.” My throat feels heavy, my voice feels ragged. I shove tears down, trying to choke down my own agony. 

“I love you too. Fuck.” He kisses my hairline, my temples, the corners of my eyes. “I swear, Rueks, I never meant to--”

“We don’t need to talk about that now.” I shake my head against him. He hesitates, his hands featherlight on my body. 

“I hurt you.” He reminds me, as though I need it.

“I hurt you. We’re good at that. We’ll figure it out later. We always do.” I promise. “Right now I just...I just want to hold you. Can we do that?”

His lips find the shell of my ear, the hollow behind it, my throat.

“Bed’s been too warm without you.” He replies.

“Funny, I don’t think mine’s been warm enough.” And it’s like flicking out the lights. I fall asleep, twisted in his arms, tangled in all he is. We come undone, we unravel so easily so dramatically, but we always, always find our way back to each other.

I will always, always fall back into his arms. Chilled to the core is not my natural state. Here, wrapped up in him, close enough where I am not certain where he ends and I begin, is my most natural state of being.

We could sleep for days, we could sleep for decades and we would still be woken up too soon.

Kairi throws our door open, I lurch up, Lea grips me tightly and drags me back down.

“Are you guys--” She starts.

“Very much back together. Thanks for playing wingman.” Lea waves one hand and wraps the other one tighter around me.

“I didn’t. I told you I was on her side.” Kairi bites back.

I could marry the girl. Really, I could.

“You’re an angel, Kai.” I tell her.

“Yeah, yeah, you owe me big time. I’ll cover with Merlin, you guys kiss and make up...while I’m in the arena and can’t hear the two of you.” 

I don’t deserve her.

“Do you wanna get married?” I ask her. She giggles.

“Ask me when I’m eighteen, kay?” And with that she closes the door and Lea pulls me back in, arms warm and inviting. It’s hard to breathe, wrapped this tight, but I think there is no more pleasant way in this entire universe, to suffocate. 

“Did you really just weasel our way into getting out of training for the day?” He asks, lips brushing, barely dusting my hair.

“You know I’m shit for sweet talking. Kairi’s just a good kid.” I murmur, nestling impossibly closer, cheek pressed to his chest.

“That she is.” He agrees. I nod against him. His hands rub up and down my back, I am burning brightly, a Phoenix rising from the ashes. “I’m sorry, Rueki.”

“I am too.” I say. “I was just so fucking hurt.” 

“It’s not fucking fair of me. I catch you up in this goddamn paradox that my mind’s warped into. I don’t know who you want me to be, I don’t know what you need from me, so I just alternate between not telling you anything to avoid hurting you, to telling you everything, setting the weight of the world on your shoulders, neglecting you so that I can care for others, because I think ‘hey, this is my girl, she’s a badass, she’s tough, she can weather the storm on her own’. And it just ends up fucking hurting you more.”

“I am strong, Lea.” I insist. “For the important stuff, the stuff you should be telling me that you don’t, the things you should ask of me, that you won’t, I can handle that. I know pain is only temporary, I can wait it out, I can weather the storm, but that doesn’t mean it suddenly stops hurting as it hammers around me. You don’t want to see me cry, I’m a fucking mess, that’s fine, I get that. You don’t know what to do when I’m falling apart and you shouldn’t have to. But don’t make me watch, with the weight of the world on my shoulders, while you help someone else to their feet.” 

He goes still against me. His hands stop moving.

“You can be a hero. You can be everyone’s hero, because that is what you’ve been made to do from the start. You are the sun, shining upon every bit of darkness that has ever crawled into my life, or the lives of anyone around you. You made Isa so happy, you saved Sora, you won Kairi over, you breathed life into Roxas’ hollow existence. You defrosted me, the cold bitch. You’ve got heroism in your bones and I know I can’t take that away from you. But don’t make me watch from the sidelines. Let me hold your hand and fight through everything with you. I want all of you, Lea. No matter how bad it hurts.”

“I should’ve talked to you. I should’ve just asked you. I shouldn’t have just tried to decide what you wanted in my own mind.” His fingers start to rustle the fabric of my shirt, twining through the material. 

“I’ve never made it easy for you to. I have to stop that. Allegedly screaming isn’t communicating and being loud doesn’t automatically make me win arguments.” I mutter and he laughs loudly, dryly.

“Who told you that?” He asks.

“Kairi.”

“Huh. I owe that kid ice cream for life.” He murmurs. 

“I think we both do at this point.” I tell him. 

“She wouldn't tell me anything about you. How you were doing, what you were up to. Even if you brushed your damn hair.” He says. “Just got all huffy and told me that if we wanted to argue like adults, we needed to learn to sort out our problems like adults.” 

“She gave me a similar spiel. She wouldn't say anything about you because she knew I'd just sit there and stew over it, whether it was sitting there and being mad at you, or sitting there and crying over how much I missed you. She’s like irritatingly wise sometimes.” I roll my eyes. “But she’s not wrong...we should probably...maybe try to communicate like grown ups.” I offer, and I hope he doesn’t move, because like this, my face hidden securely against him, vulnerability feels a lot more tolerable.

“Ew.” He says.

“Ugh, I know.” Is my response. But he begins to toy with my hair, and I stay silent, because I have already unloaded on him, this is his turn. This is the proper way to balance, this is the right thing to do. To keep him, which is, the more I walk away, the more I realize what I absolutely want to do.

“What was the deal with the whole Axel thing?” He asks. “I mean, it’s not like I’m not...it’s not like he isn’t me, or that I’m not him.” 

“That’s not what you said the first time Saix called you Lea, and I was so excited I had memories of you. You shut me right down, because you weren’t Lea yet, you didn’t think you had a heart and you told me not to call you that until you were him again. Like it was different, like you were two different people.” I remind him.

“Maybe we are but...what’s the problem then? You fell in love with Axel. You were everything I or he or whatever, ever dreamed of.” He twirls a finger around a loose strand of my hair. 

“It was dumb, but I guess I thought...Axel could be Axel and Lea could be Lea. I could just put all the things that hurt me on him and things between us could be different. We could have a clean slate, I could just brush everything aside. And...everything you said when you were pretending to be Norted or whatever--”

“Norted?” He ask, and I can hear the humor he is trying suppress in his voice. I choke on a laugh too, a smile tugging at the edges of my lips. Fucking hell, with my mind sufficiently eased and him wrapped around me, it is so hard not to laugh with him, not to smile like an idiot. If I could inject this feeling into my veins I would never want for anything else again. 

“Fuck you, dude, I’m trying to talk about feelings.” I say, though without malice, and finally he cackles. 

“Sorry, sweetheart. I forgot that you’re more emotionally constipated than I am.” And he’s not wrong about that, because I would be so content to just do what we used to, when feelings didn’t matter, when the extent of our relationship was sex, and I could just straddle him and forget the issues at hand.

“But yeah...I dunno everything you were saying then. It just made me feel like shit, like hey, here’s this man I love and think the world of, and now we’re back to square one, where he put his schemes with Saix first, and if I make it out alive, that’s just the icing on the cake. Things felt just like they did in Castle Oblivion, like I didn’t matter to you, and it was fine that our relationship was tense and weird, because I wasn’t even a priority to you. It was a dirty fucking trick. It is what it is, I know you actually thought somewhere in your mind that it would be a good idea, Kairi told me as much, and like, I can’t hate you for that. I can be mad, but I can’t hold it against you when you’re putting me first. But then being told that you wanted to be called Axel, it made me think that you were set and just so okay being the way you used to be. And I can’t blame you for the way you used to be, I couldn’t even begin to imagine the dehumanizing Xemnas put you through, but you were callous and malicious. If I hadn’t been such a cutthroat bitch myself, we wouldn’t have made it here, so don’t get me wrong, I know we started out as a match made in hell. But with all of the worrying you’ve been doing about fucking Saix, and how little you’ve done about me, I just thought...I don’t know. That that’s how you wanted life to be. You wanted to bring him over to this side and conspire with him and I was just someone to keep your bed warm.” He stills against me, then shifts his weight and I can practically feel discomfort prickling at his skin. I hate this. I hate everything about this.

“It sucks. The fact that you think I don’t give a fuck about you.” He murmurs, dragging his nails against my scalp. “No matter what I do, no matter how many times I try to make up for something...I get that some of this is on me, I do. But it just feels like I could single handedly save the world, and it still wouldn’t be enough for you. You hold grudges like nothing else, and I'm not saying you need to forgive everything I do. I'm a dick, I get it. But there's gotta be something in between, I don't care if you tell me exactly how to make things up to you, or if you just get a cool down period to be pissed, and then you have to let it go, but I hate feeling like I never get anywhere with you, Rueks.” 

“You're right.” I agree. “I blame you for so much shit and it's not fair to you. I sorted a lot of it out in my head, with us being broken up. The more time I had apart with my thoughts, the more perspective I gained, and I know a lot of it is stupid and that I need to get over a lot of shit. Like I know I cannot constantly hold the past against you. It's not fair, I know it, the logical part of me understands that, but you've always awakened a weird, hyper emotional part of me that I just have a hell of a time handling. But I know...I know a lot of our problems are because I just can't let shit go. You're right, I'm a spoiled fucking brat who runs away or throws a tantrum when I don't get my way.” 

“You're not. Maybe one of these days when we fight I won't say things just to hurt you.” He kisses the top of my head.

“I wish I was that optimistic about myself. I really need to learn to not be a dick to you when I'm mad at you.” I press my mouth into a frown. “I...I think it might help if we were allowed some distance after we fight. Not being around you always reminds me how stupid I am for starting shit with you in the first place. I dunno, maybe an hour worth of alone time will make things easier, make me less pissy, let me formulate something that doesn't sound like a personal attack or an accusation.”

“You're gonna make me wait a whole hour before coming and finding you for makeup sex?” He teases. I cackle. 

“Hmm maybe only for the bigger fights. For the smaller ones just give me fifteen minutes to cool down before you bend me over and pound me into next week.” I grin.

“You still mad at me about not telling you that you were a Nobody?” He asks, abruptly, and my poor man, I can hear the anxiety creeping into his voice. I feel dirty for my past hatred, for the things he's done I've blamed him for. 

“No.” And I can say that comfortably. “We had hearts the whole time. And besides...you can't go back and change the past. All we can do is take the steps to make the future brighter.” 

“Now that doesn't sound like you. Is that another Kairi-ism?” He teases.

“One hundred perfect.” I nod against his chest.

“Remind me to thank her.” He mutters, toying with my hair. “What are you still mad at me for?” He asks. I take a breath, my mouth twisting as I struggle to formulate exactly what I want to convey. 

“I'm not...mad. I'm scared.” I confess and I'm so thankful my face is hidden against him. This is far more bare than I want to be with anyone, ever. But the warmth of his arms assures me of how worth the discomfort this is. “I'm so worried that you're going to keep putting me on the back burner. I'm so scared that you're my karma for not being nearly as interested in Del as a good girlfriend should've been. I love you so much, you mean so much to me. Maybe this makes me a brat, but the thought of being second fiddle to anyone in your eyes is just...fucking devastating.”

“But you're not second fiddle to anyone, Rueks. I wish I could prove that to you but it just goes back to...I don't know how to make this up to you, and I don't know if I even can…” He murmurs.

“You can.” I nod. “That one’s on me. Resentment doesn’t just follow me, it rides on my back, and it’s so damn hard to let go of, I can’t even begin to explain.” I shake my head.

“It’s probably about as hard as it is for me to focus on making the person that matters most happy, instead of trying to fix everyone around me.” He nods. I laugh, dryly.

“Aren’t we a fucking pair?” I scoff, but I start to trace his chest, counting the beats of his heart. “But I love you. And I forgive you. And I’m sorry that I can’t find a balance between holding things in and repressing them to the point where I explode, and yelling at you.”

“You know, for someone that does as much screaming as you do, I always am surprised by how much you can hold in.” He snickers. Dick. And I love him for that, because if this turned into too sappy of a moment, I might mildly want to drown myself. 

“It’s because I’m so compressed. So the anger has to pack itself really, really tight inside of me.” I explain. He snorts.

“Makes sense.” He nods. “How am I gonna make things up to you?” He asks.

“Just love me. Come after me when I throw a tantrum. Give me a minute to cool down. Take my bullshit with the biggest grain of salt and just...forgive me when I’m being the worst. I’m trying Lea, so hard. I want this life to be better, I want to be a better person, I want us to be better. I’m trying to find some sort of middle ground with this whole Saix thing, and just like...give me some time and brainstorm with me and we’ll figure this out. We’ll figure everything out, we always do. I just...need you to love me with all you have. Because you are my favorite part of me.” I choke out, the words flying out of my mouth nearly faster than I can speak, so quickly that I could trip over them. I could linger forever here in a sea of my own embarrassment, but this isn’t all about me, I’m not blameless, I never have been. “How am I going to make things up to you?” 

“Stop leaving me.” He says quickly. “I know you need time and you need to cool down, hell, join the club, sweetheart.” And I choke on a sigh as little flames begin to form on the the fingers that walk down my spine. “Just...when I’m being an idiot, remember, I’m trying not to be. Have a little faith in me, be patient and just...don’t forget that I do love you. You’re the entire world to me, sweetheart. You changed my life, you changed everything I am. If it weren’t for you, and I mean, Roxas too, I don’t know, I don’t want to know what I would’ve become.” And I do, but I resolve not to tell him what he would've become, had he stayed on that track. 

“You still in this for the long haul?” I ask.

“You’ll always be my girl, Rueks. Got it memorized?” He asks and I smile against him.

“I’ve got everything about you memorized.” I say.

“Do you know why the sun sets red, Rueki?” He asks, arms going slack around me. I shift pressing myself up, leaning onto my hands so that I hover above him. 

“You've already used that line before, it's not clever anymore.” I smirk ever so slightly, trying to find humor in the moment, trying to offer a bit of relief. “Red light travels the fastest.” I say in a mocking voice, making a silly face, but his face is so soft and so serious. 

“I wanna be your red light, you're never gonna feel like I'm not putting you first. You're never going to feel like a last resort or a consolation prize. You say the word, I will be at your side to lift you to your feet and take the weight of the world off your shoulders. You matter first, sweetheart. You matter most.” My heart leaps at his words, my entire body tingles, my stomach twists. I do not know how to react as I bathe in the glory of his words. His mouth is candy, his eyes are jewels, his heart is gold. I don't know how in this world or any others I got lucky enough to land a man who consistently puts up with my bullshit and always changes and grows with me, with our love. There's a strength in the thread that connects us that I never have felt before. He is everything and I am all clumsy lips and awkward words.

“You're so fucking whipped.” I spit out, instantly wanting to take the words back. I should tell him something kind, something beautiful in return, something that makes his heart threaten to swell and burst, just as he has done for me. But he knows me and this rhythm we are in by heart. He chuckles, grinning. 

My hair hangs down over the two of us, a golden curtain. He smiles up at me, tucking my bangs behind my ear. His fingertips dance down, so hot, so sweet, as they brush across my cheekbones, my nose, my lips. 

“You’re beautiful.” He breathes. 

“You’re horny.” I counter.

“Nah, not so much, sweetheart.” He replies, his fingers slipping from my lips to my jaw, to my neck. “You see, just before you came back last night, I saw you for the first time in almost two months. The way those tight little shorts clung to your thighs, the fact that you never fucking wear a bra...I came right back in here and wished it was your sweet, sweet pussy I was fucking instead of my hand.” 

Oh fuck.

“I wanna watch next time.” I swear, my mouth moves of its own accord. He chuckles, hand tracing the hollow of my throat, my collar bones. 

“You wanna watch me stroke my cock, you wanna hear me moan while I think about your perfect body? That fat ass, those perky tits, that tight little pussy?” He asks as his hand hovers at my breasts, over my shirt. My nipples have grown hard, and he takes full advantage, tracing around one, flicking at the bud, before starting on the other. Pleasure ripples through me, I roll my shoulders back, breath hitching. It's been too long.

“Only if you wanna watch me play with my clit, wishing you mouth was on it instead of my fingers.” It’s a brave move, and I feel almost uncomfortable, awkward in my own skin. In the heat of the moment, dirty talk feels natural, but right now, as foreplay, to tease him, I wait with baited breath, for his response.

When I hear him draw a shaky breath, a sigh of relief escapes my lips.

“Did you do that, sweetheart?” He asks, hand drifting inside of my shirt. The other moves, and I watch, with a lingering gaze, as he starts to palm his cock, through the thin cotton of his sweats. 

“When I was searching for you.” I confess. The grin he offers me is wolfish and causes my stomach to backflip.

“Fuck, I’d love to see you, all spread out, touching and teasing your clit, fingering your pussy.” I lean in as he speaks, pressing my forehead to his. My lips bump and brush his, a barely there touch that sends shockwaves through my skin. 

“Maybe you’ll get to. You’ve got a phone now, don’t you?” I ask. His eyes spark.

“You gonna send me pictures, gorgeous?” He asks me.

“Only if you say please.” I murmur, bringing myself further down onto him as he grasps my breast. With his other hand, he yanks his pants and boxers half way down his legs, his cock springing free as it hits me in the stomach. One of the hands that props me up moves to meet where he begins to stroke. He grins against my mouth as I match his speed, circling the precum that begins to bead at his head. 

“Please.” His voice is so desperate, so longing, I could crumble into it. Using my knee, I steady myself grabbing my shirt by the hem and dragging it over my head. “Fuck.” He breathes. 

“Did your dick get bigger?” I ask. 

“I think your ass did.” He offers. 

“Maybe you should take a closer look.” I encourage.

“You too, sweetheart.” But I want to taste his lips first. So I weave my fingers through the back of his gel hardened hair and press my mouth to his, hot and so very needy. My heart hammers in my chest, every muscle in my body uncurls. His tongue drags across my lower lip and I sigh, mouth parting. The hand that once groped my breasts now twines through my hair as he pulls me in closer, harder. I press my thighs together and the pressure on my clit offers me no relief. Instead, my heart races as my stomach starts to tighten, a hot coil lighting me up from the inside. 

As he draws away, Lea’s tongue lingers on my lower lip, and I don’t want to part. My tongue slides against his as we seperate, hot breath mingling. I could get drunk on him, undoubtedly.

“Take off your pants.” I order, as I yank off my shorts and panties. Lea arches his back as he tears off the rest of his clothing, drawing his body out long and taut. He is transfixing and I am momentarily distracted. 

But he grasps my hips and pulls me toward him with such a force that I am reignited. I stumble, I stutter, and as he shifts us, lifting my legs over his shoulders. There is a second, a brief window in time where insecurity shackles me. Here I am, bent over my lover’s face, unable to even see to assess how appealing or unappealing I might be, exposed and utterly vulnerable. Then, I feel the pressure of Lea’s thumb against my asshole and his tongue swipe across my clit, and my fears are forgotten.

The sudden feeling of Lea’s tongue dragging across my clit is almost too much to bear. I am sensitive, untouched and aroused and the mere sensation of him against me could easily send me over the edge. His tongue curls, drawing circles against my cunt. He licks and sucks, he grabs my ass and draws me in so close, impossibly close. My knees buckle, my thighs tingle, my toes curl.

I’m supposed to be sucking his dick. My brain is hazy, drunk on his love, lost in a fog, but still, I manage to grip the base of his cock and begin to pump. He groans, mouth still so close to my clit that the vibration of his lips against me makes me whine. 

At this new angle, I can take him deeper, deeper than ever before, and the rush of the sounds I know he will make is beautiful and intoxicating. With my lips curled around my teeth, I descend onto him, tongue dipping into the slit of his cock, circling his head, the ridges of it, desperate to refresh my memory. His fingernails press into my hips, graze my ass, which he gropes with a new sort of desperation. His index finger pushes against my asshole and I press back down, my entire body clenching as the tip of his finger enters me. 

The sound of my moaning must reverberate around his cock in the most delicious way possible, because suddenly, he jerks, hips slamming, cock ramming into the back of my throat. I nearly gag, Lea twitches and bucks involuntarily, delightful groans sounding off from between my legs. I brace myself, the hand that once lingered on his shaft now rests on one side of his hip as I try to give myself space, room to find reprieve. But I am a glutton for everything he is and everything he is willing to offer me. Despite his jackhammering, I still find a way trace the vein on the underside of his cock with my tongue, still find a way to hollow out my cheeks. I still find a way to take control of the rhythm as I bob up and down on him. Saliva spills from my mouth; once again, I grasp the base of his cock and start working him, using my hand as an extension of my mouth.

“Fuck.” His lips brush, so delicate, so sweet, so teasingly across my clit as he gasps, voice rasping. His mouth latches onto my clit, lips so soft as he sucks me in. My thighs tighten, a shudder I cannot repress tears through me.

Close, close, so fucking close. 

He tongue flicks out of his mouth, his finger curls inside my ass, working me open and I come undone, clenching impossibly tight. 

“Lea!” His name spills from my lips, a mantra, a praise, a prayer.

“Thank fuck.” He pulls just slightly away, just enough where he can gain some purchase, and flips me onto my back. Gracelessly, swiftly, he makes a move to straddle me, but I grab his shoulder and push him away, down onto his back. His eyes widen slightly, his lips parted and wet. Because of me.

My insides flutter. 

“I wanna watch your face when you cum, baby.” And that is all the prompting he needs. With shaky knees and my most recent orgasm sending shockwaves across every square inch of my body, I climb onto him, grasp the base of his cock, and sink down, unsatisfied until his cock has completely disappeared inside of me.

Watching every muscle in his body tense, I rock against him, savoring the feeling as he fills me, stretches me, leaves me satisfied and aching for more all in one. Every twitch of my hips has him grasping me tighter. His fingers move from my nipples, to my waist and then my hips, which his fingernails bite into. His mouth parts, his eyes grow dark, clouded by lust as he meets my movements perfectly, grabbing me and slamming me back onto him with the same force I work with. His new leverage gives him better access to pound me deeper, harder, faster. 

“Rueki, dammit.” He groans, head thrown back, eyes fluttering. The abrupt sputtering of his hips is all the warning I need that his orgasm is approaching. I rest my hands on his chest and lean forward, my sweat slickened forehead finding his. 

“I love you, Lea. I want you to cum inside me. Please baby, don’t make me wait.” 

As though I have shoved him, he tips violently over the edge, his orgasm tearing through him as his hot load spills into me. 

His breath is violent and shaky as he slowly finds his way down, still clutching me with all his might, as though, if he releases me, he may just disappear. 

“Fuck. Dammit. Fuck, Rueki.” He chokes, hands shaking on my hips. “Oh, fuck.” He whimpers, body twitching beneath me. I bite back a smile and kiss his forehead, his temples, his cheekbones.

“You know, you look pretty good like this.” I tell him and he chuckles.

“Yeah, well, who am I to deprive my girl of this view?” He asks.

“You're too good to me.” I laugh, leaning back and making a gesture with my hands, a box with my fingers.

“What are you doing?” He laughs as I make a camera noise.

“Getting it memorized.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sufficiently feeling much better about life today. Thank you guys for existing. You're all the best and inspire me to keep on with this story when I'm being an over dramatic brat (guess I'm kinda like Rueki after all, huh?_

XIX.

All is well.

I wake up in Lea’s arms, warm, relaxed and properly rested. I shower, I brush my hair, I do basic, human necessities and they do not take every bit of who I am. I wake him with a kiss to his temple and he stirs with heavy eyelids. 

He is so beautiful.

“Let’s fight.” I whisper.

“Can we just skip to the makeup sex, beautiful?” He asks. I cackle before kissing his ear.

“Not that kinda fight. Come on.” He dresses quickly, takes my hand and we’re out in the arena before Kairi and Merlin are even out of bed. I roll my shoulders back as I watch him stretch his long arms. 

“So what’s the deal, sweetheart? What bug crawled up your ass and made you want to drag me out here at the crack of dawn?” He asks, as my eyes hover over the way his black tank top clings to his abdomen.

“Oh, you know. Just the fact that I haven’t gotten to see the love my life kick ass with his Keyblade any more than he’s seen me kick ass with all kinds of grand magic and third tier defensive spells.” I shrug. A grin spreads like wildfire across his features, a look that lights me up from across the arena.

“You think showing off is gonna get you into my pants or something?” He asks.

“A girl can hope.” I reply and, with the snapping of my wrists and the visualization of my Knuckles at hand, they appear and I am ready for combat. Even with the distance between us, I can see pride light Lea’s eyes.

“Alright, ace. What are the rules?” He asks.

“Tell me to stop when you want me to stop, I’ll do the same for you. If you don’t teleport, I won’t use blizzard spells.” I say.

“Come on, you were a Nobody too. You can probably still teleport if you try.” He groans.

“I hated teleporting then, I’m not interested in trying it now. Have you noticed how much weaker our new bodies are? Like I didn’t even realize how suped up on darkness we were.” I shake my head.

“Shit, you’re telling me.” Lea shakes his head. “But that only means we’ll have to train twice as hard to keep up with the darknesses.” 

And I don’t want to think about that. The seven lights might shine incomparably bright, but I have fought darkness before. More than that, I’ve fought Saix before. And oh, do I remember how hard Berserk hits. But that’s the point of studying magic, isn’t it? Speed had been my ally for so long, but speed always yields to strength, the way strength yields to magic and magic yields to speed. If I can become an incredible mage, then my weakness will become my strength, and there is nothing he will be able to do to combat what I am capable of.

“You ready?” I sigh, and with the flick of his wrists, Lea easily summons his Keyblade. I bite back a huge smile. “That’s hot.” I reply.

“Funny, I was thinking the same about you.” But a spark ignites in his emerald eyes and a fire begins to burn. I crack my neck, grit my teeth and dive in. 

The instant impact of metal against metal fills my ears as I leap and jump down, my Knuckles smashing into Lea’s Keyblade. I press down, but he is stronger and with the strategic flipping of his blade, I go skidding back.

“Magnega!” I call out and as quickly as he whipped me away, I drag him closer. A cry falls from his lips as he tries to stagger himself. I crank one of my Knuckles back and shout “thunder!” The blades crackle and pop as they go soaring at him smashing into his Keyblade, which he whirls around and sends my weapon spiralling back at me. I jump to catch them, fingers lacing knowingly through the holes.

“You better hope Larxene isn’t one of the darkness’ sweetheart, or you two are going to create one hell of a storm.” He grins. I narrow my eyes in contemplation as I walk sideways, across the arena, trying to offer him a response as well as trying to get a leg up on him.

“I’d put munny that she is. But my Water spell is pretty fucking good too.” I shrug. “Magnega!” And I yank Lea impossibly close to me as I leap, launching myself onto the Keyblade he has drawn into the air to block me. With quick, jerking motions, he smacks me aside, but I flip and wrap my legs around his neck, taking him to the ground with me. The impact knocks the wind out of me, but I am prepared and only require a few gasps for breath as I press my legs into him. “Thun--”

But Lea flips himself and I cry out as I go fumbling across the arena. I finish my spell but it is unfocused, scattered and though it hits him, it does not have nearly the impact that it should. Not that I’m particularly looking to electrify my boyfriend.

“Ha, seriously? No way would she join up with Xehanort, she didn’t even like Xemnas. Or did you not have it memorized that her and Marluxia wanted to stage a coup?” Lea asks as he pushes himself to his feet. I make a face and somersault backward, jumping to my feet with the momentum.

“Okay but like, if you all got recompleted then Larxene and Marluxia did too. Marluxia loves power. And he’s got a huge fucking ego. He and Larxene seemed to have some sort of weird bond, I bet if he joined up with Xehanort then she did too, and I definitely think he joined.” I nod. Lea snorts as his eyes flick across me, searching for a weak point, trying to decide whether to dive in for an attack or wait for me to inevitably charge in. 

“Weird bond is right, but no way did Marluxia or Larxene join. Nah, my bet is more on Luxord.” And this does sufficiently piss me off. In a special type of way, I’m bothered. I sprint at him, lips curled over my teeth, nose wrinkled as I slash his way. He easily parries me, but I kick at his legs, smashing into his knee hard enough to cause him to buckle. 

“Aeroza!” I call out, and the tornado that rockets through the arena sends Lea spiralling, staggering to stay on his feet and not get swept away. It is disorienting and unfair, but as he comes to a stop I scream “gravity!” The spell takes him to the ground. I sprint over and slam an elbow into his abdomen. The sound that spills from his lips is enough to instantly make me feel distractingly guilty, but Lea quickly recovers, and the mouthful of Keyblade that knocks me to the other end of the arena is enough to quickly expunge me. 

“Soft spot, much?” He asks. He’s right, of course he is. I think of blue eyes, facial hair and a plethora of ear piercings. I think of too many poker games and chess matches. I think of dirty, hurtful, damaging tricks and the the look in Luxord’s eyes when he began to rediscover his conscience and just how toxic Xemnas truly was. I don’t think he’s wrong. I think it is very likely that my incredibly pragmatic friend, if approached by Xehanort would have folded like a house of cards, putting himself on the side that he expected to emerge victorious. It doesn’t change the sting as I think of our final moments. Of him training me and trying to talk me out of suicide by cop, of his ghost of a touch, as he reached out to me and then let his hand fall away before he could offer some sort of affection. I think of the half promise we made and of the future that could have been, ‘maybe in another life’. It is alcohol to an open wound, the thought of someone who should have been one of my very best friends, someone who helped keep me alive and keep me safe when I needed it most, with golden eyes.

“He was my friend.” I bark back. Suddenly, silence. We stand, chills climb each rung of my spine, I cast my gaze aside. 

Damn.

But Lea is good, he is perfect, and quickly chucks his blade at me, in a Fire Raid.

“Reflega!” The blade hits my perfect barrier and goes hurtling back at him. Desperately, Lea catches his blade in his hands, just as my barrier fades. I sprint a him, arm drawn back and he comes running to meet me in the middle, Keyblade cranked back. My claws smash his blade, I push the entire weight of my body into the attack, but he pushes back, just as hard, no, harder. “Wateza.” And like a match, he flicks out, knocked back by the barrier my Water spell creates around me. His hair falls flat and limp. I grin cockily. He wipes his damp hair out of his face.

“Xemnas, Xigbar, Xehanort, Xehanort’s heartless--”

“Ansem.” I say. And I know immediately, because Sora knows. Lea scrunches his face. “I know, it’s what our world’s King called himself, but I guess Xehanort’s heartless goes by the same name. I dunno, that’s what Sora and his crew call the heartless.” I offer. Slowly, Lea nods.

“Alright, well, Xemnas, Xigbar, Xehanort, Ansem, the younger Xehanort and Isa. We know for sure that they’re darkness. I bet Luxord too.” Lea says.

“I’ll take that bet and raise you Larxene and Marluxia.” I reply. He grins. I extend a hand, helping him to his feet. He shakes his hair out like a wet dog, sufficiently drenching me. I make a face. “Dick.” I say.

“I’d be willing to bet Even too, if he’s up. I really fucking hope not, but...I feel like after you get brutally murdered, you probably wouldn’t want to be on the same side as your would be murderer.” Lea rubs the back of his neck and I quickly lean up on my toes and kiss him.

“None of that.” I say.

“Nope. None of anything.” He shakes his head. “Just making bets with my girl.” 

“Mm, and what are we betting?” I ask, leaning into him, wrapping my arms around his waist, my cheek pressed to his soaked chest.

“Well obviously, sexual favors.” He says, securing his arms around me.

“So, each member I get right…?” I ask.

“Whatever you want. However you want it.” He says. 

“Then I guess we better find some lube.” I say, looking up at him. He raises an eyebrow. “Let’s not pretend you won’t put it in my ass, the first chance you get permission.” I remind him and he throws his head back, laughing hysterically.

“Touche, beautiful.”

\--

I compare my list to Lea’s, looking over from where he writes in our room. 

“I don’t think Riku can time travel from the past, if we have current Riku.” I say, lying on my stomach.

“Why not? Xehanort is an old man, but he could still bring his past self back. You’re not creative enough, sweetheart.” He teases, tapping me on the nose with his eraser. I pout.

“No, you’re just too creative. That’s a thing.” I inform him. 

“I mean, all I’m saying is that Riku was possessed by Ansem, according to Kairi. I guess the whole thing was pretty fucked up.” He explains and I nod, because I know. 

“Yeah.” I agree, and I can almost feel Sora’s pain, gripping and twisting my heart. Lea shifts his weight, looking down at where I’m writing. He makes a face and cocks his head to the side.

“Who’s Vanitas?” He asks. I raise an eyebrow, but look down to my paper, to where that name is very clearly scrawled out, in my handwriting. I don’t remember writing that, I don’t know who Vanitas could be, but a warm breeze seems to coast through my veins, through my heart. An ancient and yet timeless wind that I am connected to in more ways than one. The presence is foreign and unfamiliar, but it belongs and it is as much a part of my heart as Sora’s. Odd, so very odd. I know Roxas’ heart lingers inside of his Other’s, but is it possible, is there something there, another heart linked to his? Is that why every now and then, the flashes of short black hair or sunny smiles or blue eyes seem to make my head ache?

“I...don’t know…” 

Lea chews his lip for a minute but kisses the top of my head.

“You good?” He asks, and his desire to reassure me makes me tingle. 

“Yeah. It’s just weird. I think there might be another heart inside of Sora’s. Not just Roxas’.” I mutter.

“You’re okay though? It’s not hurting you?” And my heart sings at his words. I lean into him, resting my head on his thigh. He’s trying. He’s honest to fuck trying, and that warms me like nothing else in this world.

\--

Kairi, Lea and I stand at different ends of the arena, which Merlin has promptly turned into a triangle for us. Kairi has a glint in her eye and passion in her movements, but she still doesn’t hit nearly as hard as me. She smashes her floral Keyblade into me, but I cartwheel out of the way and deliver a kick to her abdomen as I twirl. She curses but is smart enough to leap back and cure herself. 

Lea is wicked, Lea is smart and knows my moves before even I know them. Lea hits twice as hard as I could hope to. But Lea wears his weakness, like everything else, on his sleeve, and when I throw La Luxure at him with a Blizzard spell laced in, he buckles easily.

I am quick, I am lithe, I have grit for days and magic that rivals each of my two opponents. But once one of them catches me, it doesn’t take a bit of effort to land a hit. Lea easily transforms his Keyblade into Chakrams, a cool trick that would be impressive if it didn’t knock me off my feet. Kairi dives in, sends her blade spiralling toward me, I miss the first hit with a leap and even sprint in after her, but a quick Reflect spell on her part bites into me and throws me back, putting me on my ass. 

I get up, I make a move to go after one of them, either of them, it doesn’t matter. I drum my fingers across my Knuckles, my eyes find Kairi, the sun hits her face, my heart hammers.

My vision goes white.

“I’m not a sham!” That voice. I know that voice. 

“Then prove it, poppet!” Xigbar’s voice. In my mind, the images of two talking begin to filter in. Xigbar with his hood down and arms crossed. Another figure stands opposite him, a young girl with a face obscured by a hood. 

“You can’t control me anymore. Not you, not Xemnas! I’m safe in here.” And somehow, someway, I know exactly where ‘in here’ is.

Sora’s heart. Clear as day, I recognize it, and while normally I traverse it easily, now I am a spectre, not quite present, not quite exempt from this conversation. 

“Safe? As if. Don’t you think you’re doing more harm than good? All these screwed up, mangled up hearts connected to Sora’s? Don’t you think it’s screwing with him? I mean, how is he going to win this little war if you’re in here, mucking things up. I mean, at least Roxas belongs.”

There is pain, so much pain at Xigbar’s words, it shoots through my physical body. I hit the ground of the arena. Distantly, I hear Lea and Kairi shout my name, but I am no more with them, than I am with Xigbar and this girl.

“I just...I don’t want to hurt my friends.” The girl chokes. There is so much agony in her tone, it radiates through me. A deep, incurable loneliness, a knowledge too heavy for such a young girl, the emptiness, the self loathing. I don’t know how I know, but in this girl’s mind, her only use is to disappear, to collapse in on herself on such a level that she fades entirely. I don’t know why she feels this way, I don’t understand the deep agony she feels, but I know what corrodes her soul. Darkness. I recognize the feeling instantly, and although I only every felt utterly high on darkness, I’m sure she doesn’t share the same feelings. Her very being is shattering. Darkness eats away at everything she is, a true devourer, and she cannot combat it. She finds no high in it, can sense no bliss. She rides no waves of pleasure, and it would be so easy to succumb. I know, oh, how deeply I know. 

“Oh, friends? You mean Rueki and Axel who have replaced you with another blue eyed Keybearer?” Xigbar taunts.

“Stop!” The girl pleads, her voice shattering.

“Or what about Roxas, whose home you’re nothing but a foreign invader in. You’re a parasite, poppet.”

“Please!” The girl whimpers.

“Fact of the matter is, kiddo, you just don’t belong. You have no place. You were created by us. Don’t you think it would hurt a lot less to do what you were meant to do?” Xigbar asks.

“Shut up!” She screams, summoning a Keyblade. The blade rests easily in her hands as she charges a him, smashing, beating, with every inch of who she is. Her passion that takes her breath away, but as quickly as she starts, Xigbar teleports away, leaving the girl to strike the air. Her tiny shoulders heave as she trembles, turning to him.

“Come on, you think I don’t know how to handle angry Keybearers? As if.” Xigbar scoffs. “You wanna throw a tantrum, fine, but don’t lie to me or yourself. We both know how bad you want to mean something. You want to be worthy? Do something about it. You can hide out in here and hurt forever, and hey, maybe even fuck Sora up a little along the way. Or maybe, just maybe, you can reclaim your life. Your friends. I mean hey, I didn’t even remember you until I saw that face of yours. Maybe that’s all it’ll take.”

“I don’t want to hurt them.” She shakes her head, tears creeping into her voice. “Not Axel or Rueki or Roxas.” And her voice caresses my name with a sort of familiarity that I cannot reciprocate. Who the hell is she? A name lingers at the tip of my tongue, so incredibly heavy.

“Well why not? Maybe a clunk on the head is all it’ll take to jog their memories. I mean, no one needs to kill anyone. Just clash blades and...hey, who knows.” Xigbar drawls, the girl freezes, a deer in the headlights as he takes a step toward her. “You know, darkness doesn’t always have to hurt.”

Bliss washes over her as something very dark erupts in her veins. A tourincut separates her heart from Sora’s. Something cuts, something breaks her off, away from the rest of Sora’s heart. The chains are broken, a singular golden eye turns to me.

“Enjoy the show, little Rueki?”

And like a slingshot, I snap back into my body, back into reality. I gasp, wheezing as I jolt up, inside of Lea’s arms. He clenches me desperately, Kairi kneels beside us, her hands on my head, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes.

“Rueki!” She chokes. “Are you okay, do you need me to cure you?” 

I blink, and reality is hazy. I blink, and the moments inside of Sora’s heart begin to disappear, to fade away. I don’t remember a cloaked girl, I don’t remember pain, I don’t remember the way her voice lingered on my name. 

“Um...No.” I shake my head, pushing myself up. But Lea cradles me, so perfectly tight. My body is spent, suddenly exhausted and I rest my head against his chest. “Can I nap though? I’m just like...really tired.”

“What happened, baby?” Lea kisses my head and tightens his hold on me and I sigh against him.

“I wish I knew.”

\--

We sit, Lea and I, in bed, me on my stomach, knees curled, facing away from him. Lea sits, hands hanging between his knees. I chew my lips.

“I have an idea.” My words hang in the air. And I think he knows what I’m thinking. I think he knows what I am struggling to say, because suddenly his posture is quite tense. He’s incredibly rigid and I know this will take something I lack to the utmost degree--caution. 

“Tell me.” His voice holds a weight to it, and I am certain he knows, and I can feel his anxiety, but I think he is trying so hard to be open, because he starts to alternate between twirling my hair and rubbing my back.

“I think you deserve to be friends with Saix. I mean, if he doesn’t hate you, if he still has any sort of care for you...I know how much he means to you. And you mean everything to me. If you can change his mind and turn him to our side, I want you to befriend him.” I drag my teeth across my lower lip and toy with a loose thread at the edge of our quilt. I don’t want this, I don’t want any of this. But Lea does, and above all, I want Lea.

“But…” And of course he knows there is a but, but as I tilt my head and risk a glance at him, I see that he is very clearly trying and failing to calm his eager heart. I sigh and look away again.

“I just...you’ve got to hear me out.” I inhale, deeply. He could hate me after this. He could loathe me entirely, it wouldn’t be fair, because I’ve gone over this trade a thousand times in my head. He comes out on top, I think, in the long run he benefits, my pleasure is only very short lived, but I know he won’t see it like I do. “He needs to be recompleted, Lea.”

Silence hangs, I refuse to look into his eyes. I know the weight of my words is sinking in, because he makes a move to get off the bed, then stops himself.

“Rueki…”

“Please, just...hear me out. He gave up his humanity, it’ll take killing him to get his heart back. It needs to happen, or he’s always going to have a piece of Xehanort just...sitting there, inside him. I think you should be friends with Isa, he was your best friend and if you can’t visualize a life without him, and that’s what it takes to spend my life with you, then so be it. All I’m asking is that you don’t hold me back when I...get him one step closer to having his heart back.” And now, I am holding my breath.

Lea is too. I watch his hands curl and uncurl, become too tight fists and then release. It is taking everything in me not to scream, I’m sure it is taking everything in him too. I reach out and touch his side. He doesn’t bat me away but doesn’t relax into me.

“You’re talking about murder, sweetheart.” And it would be so very easy to remind him who first urged me into slaughtering someone I now call friend. But I don’t and I won’t, because I need to keep him just as bad as I need to watch the blades of my Knuckles sink into Saix. No, more throwing the past into his face. Neither of us are capable of changing it.

“But for a cause that will benefit both him and you. All I’m saying is that as long as Xehanort resides inside of Isa’s heart, he’ll never be the same boy that was your friend.” It’s a sly plea rather than an up front argument and somehow, this seems that much more dirty. 

“I understand that, Rueki.” Lea says in a very purposefully even tone. He is trying to keep the flames within subdued and all I am doing is fanning them. “But what you need to understand is that I don’t think you killing him is going to benefit either of us. Sora is the hero of this story, maybe Isa’s fate should be in the hands of someone impartial.” 

“While I respect your desire to preserve your friend, I don't think there's any way I can accept him into your life or mine if I don't make an effort to tilt the scales.” I say through gritted teeth, trying hard to stomach the fact that these words don't sound like mine. He's so headstrong and so am I, if we manage to get through this conversation without murdering each other, it will be nothing shy of a small miracle.

“And you think you should take it upon yourself to tip those scales?” He asks in an incredibly tense voice.

“I think he took it upon himself to tip things in one direction and that it is my right to create balance.” I remind him. 

“You mean to get revenge.” He corrects. I chomp down on my cheek. So hard, my mouth is immediately flooded with the metallic taste of my own blood. The inside of my cheek is shredded. He's being so good though and I should too.

“Would it make things different if I said yes, I want revenge?” And oh, how I want it. The very thought is almost sickly sweet, and certainly the only thing keeping me from having a panic attack at the mere thought of Saix. Get strong, get so strong that there's no way he can ever get a leg up on me again. Watch him fall by my hand, and the panic will die, the anxiety will disappear. Suddenly Lea places a kiss on the top of my head and starts rubbing my scalp with gentle hands.

“Baby you know that's not going to change anything. You know you're beautiful, you're so important to me and I'm so proud of how enduring you are. You don’t need revenge to prove yourself to anyone.” His fingers move from my head, down my shoulders, to my scar covered arms. I pinch my eyes shut.

“That's not the point Lea, the point is I need to be sure I can overpower the person who still plagues my nightmares. I need to know that I can reduce him to nothing to know for sure that I'm safe, and yes, I have to do it myself. Not you, not Sora, not Roxas, I need to be my own hero.” And of course I will take a special sort of sadistic pleasure in cutting him down the way he did to me, but the fact of the matter is….this really is the only way for me to be okay. This, I cannot budge on.

“Rueks.” Lea's voice lingers on my name. He pulls me close against his chest and I sigh, melting into him. He's so safe and so warm and I savor the instant payoff that is this comfort from my lover. Truly, this is worlds more pleasant than screaming and making up later. To be soft, to be gentle and tender instead of hard and fighting for my ground, is very foreign, but lovely, all things considered. “I'm not gonna leave you alone like that ever again. You're never gonna have to deal with that again. I know it's hard babe, but after everything with Zexion, what if you and Isa eventually become friends? What if the thought of you murdering him becomes the focus of your nightmares? What if this weighs on you heavier than you can handle?” And oh, how I want to tell him the thought of Isa and I as any sort of level of amicable is laughable. There is no redemption for him in my eyes, not by a long shot. But with Lea's arms so tight around me, it feels wrong to make a biting comment that will only cause more harm than good. 

“That won't be an issue.” I say, quickly. “You'll be by my side, you'll keep the nightmares away.”

“Then why do you need this?” He asks, tone pleading. I run my tongue along the inside of my teeth, mapping them out as I consider my wording.

“Because I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and stop seeing a victim.” 

Lea is still and silent. For a moment, I wonder how livid I have made him, for a moment I fear that my confession will not be salvageable. And then he squeezes me.

“No magic.” I don't realize what he's saying at first and then it dawns on me. Oh. 

“Fine.” I nod quickly. “I won't kill him with magic, but if I need to use it to defend myself or you or Kairi --” 

“Let me try to persuade him to come to our side. Let me try to win him back, if I can't, fine, use magic to fight.” He agrees. 

“If you can talk him into betraying Xemnas, I won't use any magic. But if you can't, I'll do whatever it takes.” I say. 

“Xehanort.” He corrects me. I nod. “Don't...sweetheart don't make this…”

“I won't mutilate him, if that's what you're getting at. I'm not going to suddenly turn into a crazy person.” I say. Lea's body is tense against mine. I don't love this solution, I don't love the idea of potentially having to share moments with not only Lea and Roxas, but Isa as well. I think if we can get XIII back, I won't be the only blond with a chip on their shoulder when it comes to VIII. I'm not utterly satisfied. But I'm not miserable either. I supposed that is what it means to compromise.

“This is fucking weird.” Lea murmurs. I laugh, loudly, easing against him. At the sound of my laughter I feel him begin to relax.

“Want me to scream at you?” I raise an eyebrow. Now he laughs. 

“Much as I dig the offer, I think I’d rather skip to making up and fucking like animals part, if it's all the same to you. This whole having mature conversations thing is exhausting.” He chuckles, tugging at the hem of my shirt.

“You're telling me.” I lift my arms over my head and signh as I his lips find the sensitive spot on my neck. “It's nice not telling you that I hate you though.”

“Likewise, sweetheart.”

\--

“Annnd perfect.” I announce. 

“Can we eat our ice cream now?” Lea asks.

“Does my hair look alright?” Kairi asks, instantly skipping over to me with a curious grin on her face. 

“Does your hair ever not look alright?” I raise an eyebrow. Kairi giggles as her and Lea crowd around me. 

“Oh, that does look cute!” Kairi nods, linking her arms behind her back. “Tag me in that?” She asks. 

“Both of you.” I agree. Lea grins as he wraps an arm around my waist and takes a dramatically loud bite of his ice cream. 

“Not that I'm complaining, but why a candid?” Lea asks. I shrug.

“Because it makes me seem like less of a douche if I randomly snapped a picture of you guys, instead of forcing you to pose.” I reply.

“Tragically, I think everyone already knows you're a douche.” Lea teases. I elbow him.

“Guess I'm lucky I found someone just like me. Asshole.” I smirk. 

“You two are nauseating. I’m pretty much your only friend, right?” Kairi offers a sideways sort of smile.

“Nah, we have Roxas too.” Lea replies with the wave of his hand as the three of us take seats atop boulders to stare out at the setting sun. 

“Because I'm sure he had so many other great options in Organization XIII.” She rolls her eyes. 

“I mean, I made other friends in the Organization.” I shrug.

“But you frequently refer to yourself as, and I quote, ‘the worst’. So you probably attracted other shitty people to you.” Kairi counters.

“You’re my best friend.” I remind her. She nods.

“I know, I’m a lucky accident.” She offers.

“I think you might’ve just proved that you’re as big of an asshole as the rest of us, princess.” Lea teases, but he’s already too late when it comes to catching her attention. Kairi is playing on her phone, her eyes are bright, a huge smile is plastered across her face. I know what she is going to say before she even says it.

“Sora commented.” Kairi beams. Oh hell, she is so cute.

“You think he’s going to flip his lid when you end up being the one that take down Xehanort?” I ask. She giggles.

“Yeah right, you still hit at least three times as hard as me.” She counters.

“But you see, the biggest difference between you and Rueks, princess, is that you fight smarter, not harder. You look for your opening and take it instead of just getting smacked in the face by any stray attack.” Lea reminds her.

“He’s right.” I nod.

“It must be nice, getting to fight together, to have each other’s backs through everything.” Kairi chews her lips, and I suppose I never thought about it, but she’s not wrong. Fighting Marluxia with Axel at my side, taking down Heartless with him, taking down Nobodies in Betwixt and Between, able to work together, the ultimate power couple, it was nice, I suppose. There is nothing better than looking at the man next to me and knowing he is just as dangerous as I am, if not more. 

“Yeah, well, when the kid sees you kicking ass, he’s going to regret all the times he left you on the island. I already told you, I love fighting alongside you. Sora knows he’s on thin ice and if he doesn’t start treating you like a goddess, I’m going to steal you.” I inform Kairi. She rolls her eyes.

“You know I’d believe that if your mouth wasn’t permanently plastered to his.” Kairi sticks her tongue out as she sets her now clean ice cream stick down. 

Lea follows suit and I finally start in on my ice cream. 

“We’re not that into PDA.” Lea says, waving a finger. Kairi scoffs.

“You two aren’t as quiet as you seem to think you are.” She grumbles.

“You know, you aren’t the first person to tell us that.” Lea mutters.

“Think of it as payback for the inevitable noise that you and Sora will be bothering everyone with when you two finally stop playing this will they, won’t they shit.” I tease. Kairi turns approximately the same color as her hair.

“I hate you so much.” She whispers.

“Nah, you love me.” I shake my head.

“Speaking of Sora, you ever going to send him those letters?” Lea asks. Kairi groans, and I get the sudden feeling that they’ve had this conversation before. 

“I told you, I just want to get stuff out on paper. He doesn’t need to be listening for me to talk to him.” She says.

“Why would you not send Sora letters? Or even just text him all that stuff? I mean you guys finally have a sustainable way to communicate, that’s a huge improvement over his other journeys.” I insist. She just shrugs. 

“Maybe I will one day, but for now, this is enough.” She assures me.

“Rueki’s right. Just talk to the boy. You two are so obvious, you’d be doing yourselves a favor, just getting everything out in the open.” Lea tries. Kairi shoots him some serious side eye.

“What, like you got everything out in the open with Rueki?” She asks. For a second, I don’t realize what she’s saying, but suddenly Lea can’t meet my eyes, and I know someone is hiding something from me.

“What is she talking about?” I ask.

“Nothing, no big deal. Don’t worry, sweetheart.” Lea shakes his head.

“Don’t play this shit with me.” I snap.

“It’s just dumb and embarrassing, seriously. It’s not a big thing.” Lea waves his hand. And I don’t think I have ever seen Lea look so mortified, but I set down my clean ice cream stick and think this is it, this is how I am going to break the peace. My bratty ass is going to pick a fight because he’s keeping fucking secrets over--

“He wrote you love notes while you two were apart. That was the advice he gave me when we first became friends. I was getting worked up and distracted because I was worried about Sora, and worried Sora was worrying about me, Lea said he felt the same way when you guys were apart, and that writing to you helped clear his mind.” She explains.

“Come on, Kairi…” Lea groans, but I am not mortified so much as completely shocked.

“You wrote me letters?” The words leave my mouth, heavy as they yank on my heart. Lea looks at the ground, rubbing the back of his head. Kairi gives him a very ‘told you so’ look as she turns to stalk back to her room.

“It’s not a big thing.” Lea shakes his head.

“It’s everything.” I disagree. “I wanna see them.”

“Rueki…” Lea looks sheepish, embarrassed, he tilts his body away from me and my eyes go wide.

“Were you mad at me?” I ask. His eyes get huge, he turns fully toward me.

“No, come on, sweetheart. Don’t be ridiculous.” He shakes his head. 

“Then what’s the deal?” I ask. He sighs.

“I dunno, Rueks. It’s just, I wrote those when we were apart, and then I fucked up, and I really didn’t need to show you some dumb letters to prove to you I love you, cuz I thought I was proving that, and then we broke up and now...like I’m trying so hard to prove to you how much I love you by showing you. Are a bunch of dumb letters really gonna make a difference?” My poor man. He’s so awkward, so uncomfortable being vulnerable, and I get it, because so am I. Despite my neediness, I really would feel wrong asking him to bare himself to me in ways that would cause him discomfort. So I do something I’ve never done before, I am patient. I reach out to him, take his hand in mine and smile.

“I know you love me. You’re everything to me. You don’t need to show me any letters, but if you’d let me, I’d like to see.” And it is like this, biting my lip, that he concedes. He takes my hand and leads me back to our room and from a drawer, he retrieves several crumpled up pieces of paper. 

“Do me a favor though, Rueks…” His forearms go tense as he extends the crumpled papers toward me, which I reach for eagerly. “Just like...don’t react to them around me. I didn’t expect you to ever even know about these, let alone read them.”

“You wanna leave the room?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. He sighs, shaking his head. 

“You’re perfect, you know that?” He asks. “But nah. I’m working on this whole having a set when it counts thing. My girlfriend’s a ballbuster, if I don’t toughen up soon, she’ll eat me alive.” He rolls his eyes. I grin.

“Sounds like a real cunt. You should leave her and come fuck me instead.” I lean up on my toes and press a kiss to his lips. 

With anxious fingers, I take a seat at the edge of the bed and smooth out one of the sheets of paper.

‘Rueks,

I wish I woke up beside you. Of all the things to miss, I think it’s pretty dumb, all things considered, that what makes me feel the most hollow is not having you inside my arms. The world is on fire, my mind is ablaze, and as much as you’re a colossal pain in my ass --and oh are you ever, sweetheart-- you always manage to balance me out, everything doesn’t feel so scalding. I wonder where you are, probably Transmute City if reason tells me anything but it’s hard to be reasonable when I think about you.

You had to have made it back. I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t. I’m sure you’re right behind me, you’re too stubborn to die permanently. But I think about all of the things that have cut you down, myself included, and I worry--maybe this is the one time you don’t rise up. It makes me sick to think about. None of this is worth having without you. Not my body, my mind, my heart. I sound like a fucking idiot. You would laugh at me if I said that I could feel you, alive and well inside of me. You’d laugh at me and I’d laugh at me, and to be fucking honest, I think that would be so nice. 

It’s alright, I’m fine, and hell, I’m even helping Ienzo search the castle...But I just can’t shake the feeling that if you were here, right now, I’d feel better.

-Can’t wait to hear you say my name’.

‘I don’t know why I’m writing to you again,

Cuz I fucked up. I went to Transmute City and you weren’t there. Amaya says I just missed you. Del begged me to stay, said you’d be back soon, but Amaya just shook her head and told me that you wouldn’t show up again without me in tow. I asked her about you, she got choked up, started crying, said you showed up bleeding and were borderline a hysterical mess until you lashed out at her and Del. Said you were dinged up good. She showed me Survivor, the Claw I got you for our first mission, when we had barely shared a bed, all mangled up, on the edge of decay, about to shatter. I didn’t realize it was happening until it did. I cried. Because I know what happened, I know you.

You’d avenge Roxas until the end. You’d drag yourself to the hero’s side. When you said you asked Roxas to kill you, I didn’t think you meant that you asked him to put you down out of pity. He wouldn’t leave you a bloody mess, he wouldn’t push you and break you with all of his might. But I know someone who would. I wish I didn’t have to find him. I wish I didn’t have to write here, in some damned letter I’ll never send, that finding him was my next task. But it is. 

I can chase you for lifetimes and we will run in circles, parallel but never connecting. But Isa? Would it be too cheesy for me to say the moon always follows the sun, and that if I just think a little bit backwards, I know I can catch him? I don’t want to think about what would happen if the two of you caught each other first. I don’t want to think about the state you might be in now. But I do. It keeps me up, picking at the seams of my coat, tossing and turning as I consider what I’ve already put you through. I don’t want to ask any more of you. You deserve someone who will chase after you, the Prince Charming you used to seek...but you don’t remember that. You remember me, and all of my bullshit, and I’ll be lucky if I can keep you through the rest of this. I get it, I’m not a good guy. But I want to do right by you so bad it hurts.

I just need you to make it through one more test, beautiful. One more fight. Stick it out with me baby, one more time. Let me conquer this, and maybe I can be the Prince Charming you need.

-Yours forever, Lea’

‘You’ll never believe what happened,

I’m at the edge of some woodland world that is just teaming with darkness. Maybe it’s an odd side effect of all the time I spent as a Nobody, maybe you can feel it too, but all it takes is one look and I know right away if a world is polluted by darkness. And this world? Oh, it reeked. So here I am, searching, calling for Isa, hoping whatever darkness here can be stopped if I can just get through to my friend. Some Heartless appear, no big deal. Nothing that hasn’t happened before. But I call for my weapon and something else appears in my hand.

A Keyblade. Flame Liberator.

I don’t know how I know that’s it’s name, I just do. It’s only in my hand for about a second, but I can tell it is perfectly balanced in my hand, just the kind of weapon I’d want. And then, it’s gone and my Chakrams are back. I’d have sworn it was a dream, I haven’t slept for shit without you. But I can’t shake that feeling of how perfectly the blade rested in my hand. 

Can you imagine, me, with a Keyblade?

Maybe you can. Maybe it’s not so unreal, maybe you’ve got one of your own. I could only imagine you, swinging one around, you’re already your own special force of nature without any extra help. I wonder if that’s how you fight away the darkness that used to keep you up.

So, I’m sitting here now, and I’m no closer to finding Isa, and maybe I should get up and do something about it, but I just keep thinking about you and your nightmares. Are you sleeping? Are you warm and safe? Do you have a place you want to rest your head?

Do you have someone else holding you close?

I don’t know what I hate more, the thought of you searching desperately for me, or the thought of you having someone else, someone that hasn’t broken you down.

Maybe this fucking Keyblade is the secret to fixing all of that. I mean, aren’t they meant to fight against the darkness, only those with the strongest hearts are meant to hold one, right? So who the hell bequeathed me one somewhere along the line?

And more importantly, how do I keep this thing around, to fight away any more shadows that make a move for your heart? I know you don’t remember it, but I do. The night our world fell, that was the last thing I saw, that Neo Shadow taking your heart.

And that is just something that is never going to happen again, got it memorized?

-Yours, Lea.’

‘It’s been almost two months that I’ve been searching for Isa.

I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve seen you. I ate ice cream today, I thought of you. I searched Motunui yesterday, I thought of you. Everything in this life leads my thoughts back to you, like some sort of mantra. I didn’t even think it was possible to miss someone this much. But my mind maps out the curve of your waist, the scars on your skin, your lips, your eyes, your unbrushed fucking hair. Are you still as soft? Do you still smell the same. Will you still drag your nails down my back the same way?

What will your voice sound like when you scream my new name?

I don’t think I can do this anymore. There’s another lead. Something in a place called ‘Disney Castle’. If it doesn’t turn up anything, I’m done. I hate not sleeping for shit. I hate that I can’t think of the sound of your laugh or how loud your voice could get. Little things start to leave and it is all too much. I was supposed to have you memorized, thought I did, but the longer I go without you, the more I think it is all slipping away. I don’t feel like myself half the time. I think, hey, this was all easier when I didn’t care about anyone but myself. Nothing hurt when I wasn’t trying to be a better person. I remember what it felt like, that month I was gone to Castle Oblivion for recon. You fell apart and I...I had to take a long hard look at the monster I used to be. It would be so easy to become that again. I have no words to express how easy. Maybe it’s you that makes me better, ha, maybe you just scare me straight. Regardless, I’ll see you soon, baby. Either this will be something or…

Or I’ll find you. Whatever it takes, Rueks. Got it memorized?

-Love, Lea’.

 

I try hard not to react. I try very hard and I fail. My breath shakes as I set the papers down and look up to where Lea stands, arms folded, leaning against our dresser. My eyes are wide and I struggle to fight back tears.

“Rueks…” He begins. I climb out of bed and walk over to him, wrapping my arms around him. I pull him in so tight, dangerously tight as I struggle to shove down tears. I cannot honestly remember, but I am at least ninety percent sure I’ve never cried around him and this is hardly the time I want to start. 

“I love you.” I whisper, the strain in my voice tangible. My nails drag up and down the base of his spine. 

“I love you too sweetheart.” He kisses the top of my head, I choke on a sob. “Hey, what’s wrong, what did I do?” 

“Nothing!” I spit, quickly. “I mean, everything...Dammit, Lea.” I draw in a very long, very shaky breath. “It’s good. We’re good. Everything’s good.”

“You say that, but baby, you’re crying, and that kills me.” He pulls away from me, hands wrapped around the tops of my arms. I shake my head, blinking away the one tiny tear that betrays me. “Come on, level with me.” He pleads.

“I just love you so much, I wish you would’ve shown this to me sooner. I am so sorry I was such a bitch to you, I’m the worst, and this entire time, you just kept everything together, this entire time you let me act like such a cunt when you had all this--”

“Hey, come on.” He stops me, slouching down to take my face into his hand.s “You know me, beautiful. I live for the makeup sex, and that, I can only get from you screaming at me.” He brushes his thumb across my cheekbone. I laugh, despite everything and offer him a smile.

“You know this means you’re stuck with me now, right? Cuz after reading that, there’s no way I’m ever going to be able to love anyone as much as I love you. You are everything to me, Lea.” I assure him. The grin that spreads across his face is contagious, it lights me up from inside. It is elation and euphoria, the promise of bliss right now and a future full of perfection. I don’t know how any one person can be so all encompassing of everything I have ever wanted, but somehow, he manages in tenfold.

“That’s all it took? Sounds like I’m a seriously luck son of a bitch.” Lea replies.

“I don’t think you’re the one that’s lucky.” I lean up on my toes and press my lips to his, fingernails scraping across the back of his scalp. He scoops me up into his arms, wheels me around and sets me down atop the dresser. My stomach backflips, I lock my legs around his waist and pull him in tight, hands cupping his face. Pressing my chest to his, I feel Lea’s arms snake around me, his gloves are suddenly off and his fingers begin to trail, hot and vibrant against my spine. I sigh, mouth parting as flames come to life on my skin and Lea’s tongue fills my mouth. My jaw falls slack as I savor the feeling of him pressing his tongue into my mouth, tracing across the inside of my cheek, drawing a stripe across my tongue, urging it out of my mouth and between his lips. He sucks the tip of my tongue into his mouth and I groan, forehead pressed to his. My fingers map out the edges of his jawline, his neck, his collar bones. 

We part, panting, hot breath mingling and I think that I could very easily get high off of his mouth.

“You’re so fucking sexy.” I sigh, taking the zipper of his coat between my fingers. With all of the urgency I can muster, I yank it down, and Lea helps me the rest of the way shrugging off his coat. I snatch up the hem of my shirt and yank it over my head, casting it aside. He offers me a twisted sort of half smile as he sucks his thumb into his mouth and sets his slickened finger against my nipple. Quicker than usual, thanks to the lubrication, Lea flicks the nipple of one of my breasts, teasing it, drawing it to a hard peak, and then moving onto the other, though he doesn’t neglect me altogether. The nipple that his lithe, nimble fingers don’t currently play with is suddenly overwhelmed by the sensation of his tongue, flicking against it. A small, pathetic whimper spills from my lips. My hips twitch, my fingers lace through his hair and I push him down further. I feel his lips curl into a smile as he runs his tongue and fingers simultaneously around the edges of my nipples. My entire body tightens, clenches, arches against him, and then, he’s back up, mouth soaked and sloppy against mine. I don’t know whose hands find the other’s face faster, but we grope each other, I push my wettened breasts against his chest and shift my hips, rocking the heat between my legs against his hardening cock. My shorts are so thin, so incredibly soft and the friction his zipper provides has me groaning easily, into his mouth.

“You wet for me already, sweetheart?” Lea asks, mouth slowly separating from mine.

“Why you undress my and check?” I ask, breathy as he slowly draws his hips away from mine. He bites back a cheeky grin.

“I think you might actually have been made for me, Rueks.” He chuckles, the sensation of him breathing hot air against my lips sends chills up my spine. And if that weren’t enough, his fingers dance down my abdomen, flames flickering against his fingertips, dipping into my navel, tracing across the softness of my stomach and down past the waistband of my shorts. I whimper, sighing in relief as he starts tease circles around my clit. 

“Oh fuck.” My head falls back, my hair spilling down my back. I feel a long, thick finger slip into me, Lea’s thumb draws around my clit, brushing the hood, toying with my inner lips, working every part of my cunt just so. Within me, he makes a ‘come hither’ motion, and involuntarily, I clench around him, hips bucking hinto his hand. “Lea.” I whine.

“Little louder, baby.” He urges, pushing another finger into me.. Despite the restriction of my shorts, he begins to pound. The wet, slamming sound of his fingers hammering away at me is driving me up a wall, intoxicating me. His hand is perfectly calloused and so warm, and the more he pumps into me, the more of my wetness starts to accumulate in his palm. He shifts, pressing the soaked heel of his hand into my clit and I scream, legs tensing.

“Lea!” I cry out and he quite literally sighs at the incantation of his name.

“One more time, sweetheart.” He breathes. His thumb ignites, tracing flames along the outer lips of my pussy and suddenly, everything in my world implodes. My vision goes white, my world spins on a tilted axis.

“Lea!” His name is a jumbled cry from my mouth as my orgasm shakes me.

The heel of his hand stays pressed to my clit as I come down, but his mouth instantly mashes to mine, warm and desperate. I struggle with my shorts, wiggling until they and my panties fall from my ankles to the floor. His tongue slips into my mouth, I hear the sound of a zipper rustling, the sliding of fabric. His cock is lined up, pressed perfectly against my entrance. He withdraws his soaking hand, grasps my hip with it and thrusts into me. His perfect mouth muffles my gasps as he slowly pulls himself back only to snap into me again. His hot mouth falls away from mine, but he keeps his forehead against mine and laces the hand that doesn't clutch my hip, through my hair. Our sighs and gasps fill the room. His skin is so hot and the way he is fucking me, slow and deep, is building to such a perfect second wind for me. My insides are tight, a delicious coil. There is something so beautifully sensual, so tender about this moment, it takes my breath away.

His slick hand comes away from my hip to draw teasing, lazy circles against my clit, and just like that, I come undone again. The head of his cock bumps me just right and I squirt, gushing against his cock. A shaky and desperate groan spills from his mouth as he comes inside of me and collapses into me, broad shoulders hitting mine as I lean against the wall the dresser is on for support.

“I love you so much.” He whispers against my temple. I circle my arms around his waist.

“I know. Fuck I know. And I love you too.” 

We fall asleep that night, twined so close, unwilling to untangle ourselves from each other.

Too soon though, too early --or maybe very late?-- we are woken.

Beneath the cover of the blankets we are at least shielded as Kairi comes barreling in.

“Wake up!” She cries. I jump, Lea groans. 

“Ten more minutes.” He begs, sleepily. My heart hammers though from the shock and even in the dark, from across the room, I can see how wide and wild Kairi's eyes are.

“What's wrong, what happened?” I ask but she shakes her head.

“Nothing wrong it's just...Sora found them. He and Riku, they found two of the missing lights. Aqua and Ventus have returned.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends! So, first, let's address that yep, I made sense of the whole Xion coming back thing. I know, I know, we needed it. I don't know how many of my friends blew up my phone (cuz I was the first of my group to beat it) with 'HOW did XiOn CoMe BaCk'. Like IDK, fam. Alternatively, this probably means my story will not be canon compliant in a little while (because while containing graphic language, sexual situations and an OC character, hey, at least I follow the story line pretty well) since Nomura has mentioned Xion's appearance being explained in the upcoming DLC (also if we don't get Sora in Shibuya as DLC so help me... because yes, that is where he woke up, if you missed that). 
> 
> And well, we're kinda noncompliant with the canon on this chapter. Which I am explaining so that things make sense. I moved up the timeline of Aqua and Ven's return, because, for the most part, KH3 is a masterpiece. I think some of our happy endings came too easily, but I'm down for it, because even masterpieces can be flawed. However, beyond the whole Kairi bullshit, there is something that bugged me about KH3 and that was the pacing. I WISH the timeline for Aqua and Ven's return took place after Sora finished Arendelle and Monstropolis cuz it could've easily been put in then. Instead, we get so much plot that it's hard to handle, after the main worlds are defeated. And that's fine, but 100% m first playthrough was me rushing through the Disney worlds, unfairly, cuz I wanted some good, substantial plot and got very little. So I'm fixing that. Riku and Kairi deserve a little bit of interaction, especially while she's training, like jeez Nomura, let's forget that these two are friends, why don't we? Aqua and Ven deserve a little bit of time to relearn their strengths. These characters should get to know each other, so that's what I did. Yes, this is half of the scene where Yen Sid is like 'the final battle is tomorrow', but the other half will arrive you know, when the final battle is actually tomorrow.

XX.

I will not pretend to know how the specifics of the hyperbolic time chamber work. How events can be occurring simultaneously, while we still have unlimited time to train makes zero logical sense, and Merlin is impossible to get answers from. He babbles on and offers zero clarity, so I just pretend I understand what he's saying as he sends us, via light magic, to the Mysterious Tower. I suppose there are just parts of my brain that are always going to function as a scientist and not a magician. 

We appear in the highest room of the Mysterious Tower with a lurch. I clutch Lea tightly, my legs tremble. Unsurprisingly, we are the last to arrive. As the world rushes around me and becomes crystal clear, immediately, something strikes me.

A woman about my age, but infinitely more put together, stands at the opposite end of the room, several inches taller than me with wise eyes, short, blue hair and a body that I might just amputate a limb to have. Her eyes flick to me, to Lea and Kairi but her perfect posture does not falter in the slightest. If Kairi is a princess, this woman is a queen. 

But despite the beauty and power she radiates, there is a more stirring factor. I've never met her in my life. But I know exactly who she is, and not just because of Kairi's incantation of her name. I've seen her, inside Sora's heart. I've been her, and what is more, where whispering winds once slept, a tornado of memories now comes sailing at me. Waking up, hazy, barely cognitive. A brunette man, the same one from inside Sora's heart, Aqua, nights spent gazing at the stars and days spent training and laughing. Good luck charms. A boy with black hair and golden eyes, a boy who looks so much like Sora it churns my stomach. I know his name instantly --Vanitas. The X-Blade. Lifetimes spent sleeping. A bright and reparative heart. Two teenage boys, one with red hair, the other with blue. A girl with blonde hair and a nasty cowlick. 

I all but stumble against Lea, who catches me tightly. A whole lifetime of memories is hard to take in, but even with all of this, there is a shadow. An ancient haziness that I cannot decipher or see through. 

“Well fuck me.” I announce, mouth curling into a smile as I start to see clearly again. Lea straightens me out but still keeps his arm wreaked securely around me. 

“You wanna be more specific, sweetheart?” Lea asks. My eyes are bright as they flick to where Ventus stands, beside Aqua.

“You've been sleeping in Sora's heart this entire time, haven't you, Prince Charming?” The smile that lights Ventus’ face is overwhelming. The boy is sunshine, the radiates light almost the same way Kairi does, I certainly understand how my younger self would've been intrigued by him. Fixated on the light even then. 

“Prince Charming?” Sora asks.

“How did you know Ven’s heart was inside Sora's?” Aqua asks me, an intense panic in her voice, which of course I understand. Ven had been hidden so safe, so secure for so long, and between the confrontation with Vanitas in the place that used to be Castle Oblivion, and the hell that Aqua has endured in the Realm of Darkness, I immediately want to comfort a woman who is worlds more badass than I. Between the abrupt influx of Ventus’ memories and the ones I am absorbing from Sora, my head begins to throb. Funny, thy girl who once had no memories now has everyone's. 

“I know you're Aqua, too, so we can like skip that intro. I'm Rueki. As far as knowing about Ven’s heart, Sora's heart is basically a cheap motel that everyone here has been to and I'm partial owner of said cheap motel.” I explain, to which Sora begins to protest, weakly. “So pretty much anyone who has been inside of Sora, I can read. It's a pain. My head is pounding.” I respond. Aqua blinks at me. Lea raises an eyebrow. 

“I hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but your ESP thing must be broken if you're just now sensing Ventus.” Lea says to me.

“No dude, remember the whole Vanitas thing on our lists? That was Ventus, he was asleep inside Sora so I couldn't like sense him sense him, but like I still kind of could?” I say.

“This is exhausting.” Riku shakes his head.

“And confusing.” Sora nods. Kairi rolls her eyes.

“Just explain everything to Lea and I later, Rueki.” Kairi says.

“Always, kiddo.” I nod.

“Um, guys.” Mickey clears his throat and casts Master Yen Sid a glance. The old man is being patient as all hell with the fact that I can't go anywhere without causing a scene, and I decide immediately that I like him a lot more than Merlin. 

“Sorry. Drama queen here. Can't keep her contained.” Lea teases. I step on his foot, he yelps and we call it good. Master Yen Sid even seems to have an amused twinkle in his dark eyes, though I could be imagining that.

“At last we are all assembled.” Yen Sid finally announces. “First, Sora, Riku, Donald, Goofy, Mickey. I cannot thank you enough for what you have done. And Aqua and Ventus, we are fortunate to have you back.”

“Thanks, I only wish we could have returned to help sooner.” Aqua says, and if Sora’s memories are correct, Aqua might be as crazy as she is hot, because if I had been trapped in the Realm of Darkness for the past twelve years, my petty ass would be holding a lot more of a grudge than she is. But Ventus’ memories remind me that Aqua is nothing if not a martyr. “We are grateful to all of you for rescuing us.”

“Thank you.” Ven nods.

“I feel bad for letting you guys down. We tried, but we still haven't found Terra.” And as Mickey says that name I visualize the brunette man that Lea transformed into to inside of Sora’s heart. Being around Sora is fine, I have more of a handle on when I am and am not interested in absorbing his memories. But having Ventus in the room is like having a small child tugging at my hands, constantly crying for attention. It is so much to handle.

“Don't. He studied with Master Eraqus just like us. He's our responsibility.” Aqua assures.

“Mickey told me that you saved me in the Realm of Darkness.” Riku says, and oh, that's new. But Riku has dove into Sora's heart before, I wonder if I could reach into his heart and mind if I tried? Then again, as I look at Riku, I decide I have enough of my own darkness without trying to shoulder his. “I should've gone to help you right away, but I was too inexperienced. I'm sorry. I know that I let you down.”

“No, just the opposite.” Aqua shakes her head.

“Did ya know Riku's a true Keyblade Master now?” Goofy pipes up. 

“That's wonderful!” Aqua replies with a blinding smile.

“The King, too!” Donald says.

“Good for you.” Aqua chirps. I notice poor Sora rest his hands behind his neck and stare pointedly at the ceiling. 

“But Sora needs work.” Donald teases. 

“Leave my child alone.” I mutter.

“Your child?” Donald squeaks.

“What is it with you and adopting teenagers?” Lea shakes his head.

“I mean, you know me, I pretty much exclusively adopt teenage boys,” I shrug.

“Yeah, because you're afraid of babies.” Kairi mutters, shooting me a delightfully sassy grin. Lea doubles over laughing, clutching his abdomen. 

“Shit! Right! She looked like she was gonna have a heart attack, holding Lucidia!” Lea cackles.

“Oh totally, you're never having kids.” Kairi giggles.

“I hate you both, just so you know.” I grumble.

“Listen sweetheart,” Lea says, between gasps. “Don't start taking it out on us just because you are afraid of babies.” 

“I'm not fucking afraid of babies, I just don't want to be responsible for a defenseless little creature with a self destruct button.” I snap.

“She's totally afraid of babies.” Kairi grins.

“Most definitely.” Lea laughs.

“I hate you both. Sora, you're my new best friend.” I decide.

“Yay!” He cheers.

“No.” Riku says flatly.

“I miss Roxas.” I mutter. The group erupts into a fit of laughter, even Aqua and Ventus, even Riku and Mickey. We're all in hysterics and it is beyond delightful. In spite of the impending danger, regardless of the fact that I'm sure we all need more practice, there is a satisfying lightness in this moment that I long to savor. At the end of the day, all of us are only mortal, are all flawed and complex creatures. We are more than just willing heroes, but friends, companions, families, lovers. And that is when the reality of the situation hits me. We are preparing for war. I will stand, shoulders squared, staring into the eyes of a man who took visceral pleasure in mutilating me, a man who held no desire to kill me with mercy, but with rage and jealousy coursing through his veins, he longed to watch blood spill from mine. Lea and I have our deal, and I will keep my promise to not savor in the same sadistic glory he did, but only because I do not think I am physically capable of sadism to the extent that he was. I’ve seen the effects, first hand of the blind hatred that Berserk seemed to inflict upon him; and despite the grudge I carry for him, despite my need for revenge, I do not think that the feeling of panic stomping on my chest will ever fade. I swallow heavily, dryly. Because I can do this, I know I can. I can fight this war at my friends sides… But only because I need to be there to shield each and every one of them.

As the laughter dies down, Lea clears his throat, green eyes flicking to Master Yen Sid, and I think how nice it must be to be my lover and to be so wrapped up in recognition. And he needs it, I know, to feel as though he has been redeemed, but I think needing redemption must feel a lot nicer than needing revenge. 

“Ah, yes.” Yen Sid nods. “Let us not forget our new Keyblade wielders. Lea, Kairi, you have made tremendous strides. And Rueki, a newly accomplished magician, according to Merlin himself.” I swell with pride, feeling as though the very light peaking through the window is reflecting off of me in this moment. The glory of my success is nothing I take lightly, I know how hard I had to work, I know the frustration I have endured. I see a glint in Aqua’s eyes as she looks to where I stand beside Lea and Kairi, and Ventus’ memories tell me that she, herself favors magic. I instantly begin calculating how I can approach her and ask her to teach me everything she knows, since Merlin drives me mildly bonkers.

“Hey there, and that’s future Keyblade Master!” Lea grins, pointing a thumb at his chest, all wolfish smiles and excited sparks. I roll my eyes so hard it causes a hurricane in another world. Kairi snorts

“Your boyfriend is obnoxious.” Kairi informs me.

“I’m very aware. I’d tell you it’s part of his charm, but we’d both know it’s a lie, so what’s the point?” I shrug.

“I hate you two as friends.” Lea huffs.

“Love you, Rueki.” Kairi giggles.

“Love you, Kai.”

“Kairi.” Aqua is suddenly smiling at the girl with an excited sort of familiarity. She strides over to us, long legs, perfect posture and what the hell is it with all of these super attractive women walking into my life? Aqua might even trump Larxene, and that would be saying something because despite Larxene being an absolute cunt and, you know, electrocuting me, I still find her attractive. “Incredible. It was you.” Aqua breathes, leaning in, examining the necklace that Kairi wears. I think that perhaps the most annoying thing in my life at this very moment is the fact that I cannot access the memories of everyone in the room. I’ve seen everything inside of Kairi’s mind, felt every feeling, but the last time Aqua walked the realm of light, Kairi would have been four. Even with my memories perfectly intact, I still have very few from that age. It is unsurprising that Kairi has nothing. 

“You know her?” Mickey asks, which I am so thankful for.

“When you and I first met in Radiant Garden, the Unversed tried to attack a little girl. Do you remember?” Aqua asks. Quickly doing the math in my head, and of course, with the help of Ventus’ memories, I realize that Kairi, my dearest, most amazing, best friend, was being attacked by monsters while I was trying to debate between convincing Ventus to take me with him, and kicking Lea in the shin. The girl certainly wasn’t lying about the light always making her a target.

“Oh gosh! That little girl was Kairi?” Mickey exclaims. Kairi looks to me for some help with clarity, the resident almost but not quite psychic and I offer a shrug. 

“I guess it must’ve worked--that spell I cast on you.” Aqua shakes her head in disbelief and immediately, I am curious.

“Spell?” I ask. Aqua offers me a knowing smile, as though she thinks this is going to be an exchange from one magician to the other, but that is hardly what I’m curious about. 

“A protection spell. Kairi’s light was attracting too much darkness. I cast the spell to keep her safe, to protect her. In case the darkness became too strong, the spell would lead her to a source of light. Which must have been one of you two.” Aqua says, smiling over her shoulder at Sora and Riku.

“And it didn’t extend beyond Kairi? To any other orphan girls in Radiant Garden at the same time?” I inquire. Aqua shakes her head.

“It only worked because of the strength of Kairi’s light. I wasn’t even sure I had it in me to cast a spell of that kind of magnitude.” Aqua confesses. I repress a groan.

“Damn.” I mutter.

“Kinda scraps that theory, huh, sweetheart?” Lea seems to understand instantly, I am both thankful and impressed by the lack of verbal communication that we seem to need anymore. Without a doubt, he is the one person that functions on exactly the same wavelength as I do.

“You’ve gotta admit, it would make sense though. My memories being gone for a decade and then suddenly reappearing. At first I thought it was the whole Nobody thing, but we had hearts the whole time. So why now?” I ask Lea, who shrugs.

“You’ve got me, but I’m right there with you. I mean, it was fishy enough, the whole you waking up in Transmute City every time thing.” He agrees.

“You think someone cast a spell on you that robbed your memories and sent you to a different world?” Aqua inquires. I nod.

“I’m not sure what you know about in between worlds, but I lost my heart and woke up in a world that isn’t for all intents and purposes, an in between world. The others that lost their hearts woke up elsewhere. And my memories were gone for a decade before I got them back. There was a girl I knew, she had power of memory manipulation, and even she couldn’t figure out what kind of spell was repressing my memories.” I explain. Aqua’s face scrunches up.

“That is strange. And out of my wheelhouse of knowledge. I don’t even think my Master knew of any spells that could pluck a single individual, regardless of the contents of their heart, and spit them out in a different world.” Aqua muses.

“And put memories back in their head after a certain time.” I mutter.

“It is odd, but not unheard of. The ancient magic that surrounds you is troubling, Rueki. But I do believe it has also played a hand in your success as a magician.” Master Yen Sid says.

“Ahem.” Lea clears his throat loudly again, seeming to sense the sort of distress I am in and the abundant discomfort that has accompanied my asking a single question. “This is all very touching guys, but where do I fit in?”

“Fucking egomaniac.” Is my response.

“Ven looks just like Roxas--or is it Roxas looks just like Ven?” Lea muses. It isn’t lost on me, the irony of the fact that everyone in the data Twilight Town thought I was hooking up with someone who looks exactly the same as my childhood crush and at least a bit similar to my first boyfriend. “And now I have to explain all of that to him, which is in itself a crazy long story.” 

“Sounds like he’s cutting you out of the narrative.” Kairi says, conspiratorially to me.

“Eh, I’m not worried. You and I can run away together, it’s good.” I shrug.

“And apparently, everybody already knows everyone, and I have to rely on my girlfriend’s weird connection with Sora’s heart to relay back multiple people’s memories, and this is an insane amount to get memorized.” Lea gripes.

“I’m not surprised you two ended up together.” Ventus chuckles, suddenly, and a smile lights my features. I remember him, of course I do, the catalyst in my story, the first tangible bit of interworld traveling outside of my parent’s horror story, and old tales Cid told. A boy who sparked my interest like nothing else in this world, a person who told me that I didn’t need a prince, that I could be the hero of my own story. To my young heart, Ventus turned the tide, and the fact that he, on some level remembers me, is overwhelming. 

“You remember us?” Lea blanches.

“Yeah, of course, we’re friends!” Ventus beams, and then looks to me. “Sorry that I never came back to take you on adventures. Looks like you grew up without me.”

“Hate to break it to ya, kiddo, but I think you’re a little young to be my Prince Charming now. Lea’s an alright consolation prize though.” I smirk and quickly stride over to hug the boy. Aqua tenses, now behind me, but Ventus laughs, all good spirits and hugs me back. 

“You two definitely left an impression. You even swear just as much as you did when you were a kid.” Ventus chuckles as we pull away.

“I hit peak terribleness at a young age, I’ve been flatlining ever since.” I say, looking to Lea, who still looks flabbergasted. Ventus does look like Roxas, overwhelmingly so. It would be so easy to get lost in this boy’s appearance, to pretend, to tell the same stupid jokes and eat ice cream and wish for things that aren’t there. Something pounds inside my chest. I bite the inside of my cheek to repress a gasp. 

Is Roxas…?

“And Lea, I can’t believe you became a Keyblade wielder just like me.”

“Yeah…” Lea sighs, and I watch his shoulders slump in relief. I don’t want to alert anyone or get anyone’s hopes up about Roxas potentially whining for attention inside of me, though, especially because I cannot confirm or deny that it was really Roxas.

“Axel, you know Ven?” Sora asks.

“Axel? Who’s Axel?” Ven asks.

“See, see, see? Major brain ache!” Lea insists.

“No, actually, I think I’ve got this one!” I shake my head. Lea raises an eyebrow. Kairi flinches.

“Your head is going to hurt so badly.” She says.

“Headache is just one of my personality traits at this point, kiddo.” I concede.

“What are you doing? And why does she know already?” Riku asks with cautious eyes.

“Because she’s done it to me.” Kairi groans.

“I won’t break him, Riku, I promise.” I wave my hand.

“You sound like Larxene.” Lea rolls his eyes.

“Oh, I met her. She was awful.” Sora’s eyes light up.

“She trapped us in an ice labyrinth!” Donald says.

“She wasn’t very nice.” Goofy agrees. A smirk lights my face.

“Working with Organization XIII?” I ask.

“You bet.” Sora says. I turn to Lea, grinning.

“What about some pompous, pink haired douche named Marluxia?” I ask, though of course I will find that answer when I dive into Sora’s mind.

“Yeah! We met him too!” Sora nods. 

“You’re gonna pay up, real good tonight, babe.” I tell Lea, who doesn’t look too hurt about losing this bet.

“What about a guy named Luxord?” Lea pipes up. Sora shakes his head.

“Not since our last journey, when you guys were still in the first Organization XIII.” I don’t correct Sora that I wasn’t officially part of Organization XIII, I am just elated over the act that as it stands, my would be friend isn’t a heart vessel for Xehanort.

“Have it your way, sweetheart.” Lea shrugs. I bite back a smile and beckon Ventus and Sora to me.

“Come here, children.” I urge, which earns gripes about them not being kids. Aqua looks horrified, and Riku is barely a step behind her, but thankfully, Kairi is almost as reckless as I am and is at least experienced enough with the type of memory transfer I can do.

“They’ll be fine. Rueki’s connected to Sora’s heart. She can share memories. That way Sora can share Ven’s memories with us, Riku. And Ven can share Sora’s with you, Aqua.” Kairi promises, which sounds a lot more assuring coming from her.

“I hope you know what you’re doing, Rueki.” Mickey murmurs. I don’t suppose it would help anyone if I said I have no idea what I’m doing ever, so I keep my mouth shut and place my hands on the boys’ chests, over each of their hearts. There is light, a palpable light radiating from both of them. Ven’s is stronger, but still not as strong as Kairi’s which is good, because I have a feeling that I will have to fight both of their hearts for access at the same time. I take a breath and pinch my eyes shut.

Sora’s heart grants me access with ease, familiarity, like a dear old friend welcoming me home. I know the way into the deepest chambers of his heart like the back of my own hand and he wraps me in his warmth, and I am thankful.

But then, I begin to push. His heart reacts immediately, by promptly freaking the fuck out and tries to reject me. With a grunt, I push back. His heart is strong though and now it thinks of me as a parasite. 

Ventus’ heart doesn’t not welcome me the way Sora’s does. It isn’t utterly unfamiliar, but I do struggle more to navigate it, and while his heart is not a warriors, like Sora’s, his light is more erosive and instantly starts to break me down. I struggle against him, weaving into his heart’s depths with one half of my strength, while the other combats Sora. I want to push with all my might, the way I did with Kairi, I want to channel everything I am into an exchange of memories, but I know the only reason darkness doesn’t rest on Kairi like a burden is because of the inherent nature of her heart. She was made to heal my pain and these boys do not share that same strength. I don’t want to risk imprinting my own memories on them. I have to empty myself completely, act as a blank slate, a vessel for a transfer between the two of them. With the last bit of focus I have, I push aside my own consciousness, clearing the pathway. Ven reacts to Sora’s heart pleasantly, begging for its invasion. Sora’s heart eases at Ven’s entrance. The light though, is so much to handle. It is blinding, painful. Distantly, I hear someone shout my name. My legs get weak, I start to feel myself fade away. But there is something else.

Not Sora, not Ventus, not even Roxas or Kairi or Riku or anyone else I could be intercepting in the room. It isn’t a heart, but something deeper, something with more pull. It wraps me tight in its essence, safe and very warm and eases me back into my shell.

I open my eyes, feeling so very refreshed. There is hesitation as everyone stares at me. I look at Ven, at Roxas.

“You’ve been to so many worlds.” Ven shakes his head.

“Yeah but you traveled so much cooler! I’ve gotta try that sometime!” Sora says. Laughter erupts. I grin at my success and Lea waves me over with his hand. He quickly hooks his arm around me as I arrive at his side and I do not question it. Not in the least.

“Welp, we’ve got our seven guardians!” Mickey says.

“Yeah, but we still have to find Terra. And figure out a way to get Roxas and Naminé back too.” Sora says.

“I hate to say this, but all signs are pointing to Terra being a part of Organization XIII.” Riku sighs.

“Don’t be upset. That will just give us another chance to save him.” Aqua nods with an unshakable sort of confidence. I look at her, and I believe in her. She and Riku share that same sort of promise of strength in their eyes, and I think that must be the trait that makes a Master. “Leave that to Ven and I. We’ll bring him home.” I think how nice it must be for Ven to finally hear Aqua treating him as an equal instead of trying to handle things herself, all the while urging him back to his room. Probably about as nice as Kairi finally getting to fight alongside Sora. 

“Yeah, I made Terra a promise.” Ven agrees. “I said I’d be there for him when he needs me.

“Naminé is right here, safe with me.” Kairi promises. “I know that we’ll find a way to help her. Trust me, I’m not giving up.” The way Sora looks at her almost makes me embarrassed to be in the same room. The love, the tenderness, the optimism. It must pain him to not reach out, across the room and wrap his arms around her now, in front of all of us. She is so full of hope and he could drink her up for lifetimes. I quickly push his heart away, uncomfortable at feelings that should be only his, which are spilling out.

“And Roxas is on Rueki and I. Not sure how, but we’ll get him back.” Lea decides

“There might just be a way to help Roxas, that Rueki is able to access.” Master Yen Sid says. I turn, eyebrow raised.

“Say the word. Anything for the kid.” Because if I could have him back, I don’t think he’d have a moment where Lea and I weren’t literally tethered to him, sobbing with joy over his reappearance. 

“The time is not right, Ienzo is still working on the replicas, if one were to become available, however, your access to Sora’s heart would be invaluable, Rueki. We would absolutely need you to sort Sora and Roxas’ memories, into the respective hearts, so that Roxas may return.” Yen Sid says. I nod.

“Whenever he’s ready then. I know Sora’s heart like the back of my hand. And I was with Roxas from pretty much the time he was born until the time he was reabsorbed by Sora. No one is in a better position for this job than me.” I assure him.

“However, there is another heart within Sora’s that may cause an issue.” Yen Sid warns. I make a face.

“Not there’s not.” I say.

“Ansem the Wise’s notes say otherwise, Rueki.” Riku informs me.

“And I’m literally standing in the kid’s heart chamber right now. I can tell you it’s just Sora and Roxas and--oh.” I make a face. Riku looks hella smug as he regards me, but I shake my head. “Something is different, but not what you think. I do think there were a few hearts within Sora’s before.” I say.

“One that has been around for a long time, Ven’s heart.” Mickey says. “One that is Roxas, and one that has been around for almost as long as Roxas’.”

“I’ve felt Ven before.” I nod. “Which, by the way, Vanitas is for in the new Organization, so that’s three for me.” I tell Lea.

“I think using ESP makes your guesses invalid.” Lea tells me. But I just wave a hand at him.

“Whatever was in there with Sora is gone now. It’s like, Sora’s heart was a house, and a whole wing has been demolished. It isn’t because Ventus left though. That much I know for sure.” I say.

“At least I’m not a cheap motel anymore.” Sora grumbles.

“An interesting development, and one that will require further searching.” Master Yen Sid agrees.

“Leave that to me.” Mickey says.

“I’ll go with you, your Majesty.” Riku offers.

“Riku, Aqua. I know there are more intriguing tasks at the time, but your efforts are most needed with our fledgling Keybearers. Lea, Kairi, and now Ventus could surely benefit from the teachings of not only the Wizard, Merlin, but from experienced Keyblade Masters as well.” Yen Sid says. Aqua’s eyes light as she shares an excited look with Ventus.

“But…” Riku begins.

“Awe, Riku. It’s only Radiant Garden. I’ll pass the news onto Ienzo, and when he’s ready, we’ll give Rueki a call.” Mickey promises.

“And in the meantime, Rueki, you may continue your training as a magician.” Yen Sid says, which truly, there was no other option in my mind. Roxas isn’t ready for me, I don’t want to leave Lea’s side, and who knows what kind of crazy magic Xigbar might be capable of working on my dreaming mind, outside of our protected forest. “As for Sora, Donald and Goofy. There are more worlds to explore, and more possibilities to know our enemy. Perhaps even a chance to find Terra.”

“Then I should go too. Sora kept my heart safe for so long, I could go with him, if there’s even a chance Terra might be out there-’’ Ven begins, but Aqua shakes her head.

“Ven, we spent over a decade without progress. We need to train as much as everyone else. To reset, and ready ourselves. Don’t forget, if Terra has been brainwashed by the enemy, he is strong. His vessel will be too. We need to be prepared when we see him.” And her voice cracks as she speaks, for the first time she seems anything but immovable in my eyes, or in Ven’s. Like so many in this room, her friends are her weak spot, that much is obvious. And Ven is at least smart enough to know a lost cause when he sees one. He simply nods in defeat as Aqua pats his shoulder. Kairi’s eyes flick to Sora. She chews her lip.

“How long before we have to leave?” She asks. Master Yen Sid sighs.

“Time is of the essence for those of us outside of the realm of training. Sora, Donald, Goofy and Mickey must depart immediately.” Yen Sid replies. Kairi bites back a pout, and nods.

“Right.” She says and then looks to Sora. Despite the many wandering eyes in the room, she has no qualms about closing the distance between herself and the object of her affections, and wraps him in a tight hug. Sora barely has time to gasp before he hugs her back.

“You’re doing so good, Kairi.” He says.

“Call me all the time, you lazy bum. We’ve all got Gummi Phones now. You have no excuse.” She says.

“I will. I promise.” He assures her.

Master Yen Sid sets us up with suitcases full of new clothing, vestments to protect us from the darkness, and my newer, larger group departs, but not without Kairi grabbing my arm.

“Did you see the way I made him promise to call me?” She whispers so that only I can hear.

“I did. I’m pretty damn proud of you, kid.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey loves! Just a heads up, we still have a couple more chapters in that time, but from May 29-June 5th I'll be in vacation, so no update in that time, thanks in advance for hanging in there with me

XXI.

I'd like to pretend that I'm above getting excited about new clothes, but when Kairi comes barreling into mine and Lea’s room, squealing at top volume, it's hard not to be excited.

“Fuck, Kairi, boundaries.” Lea grumbles, ever the grumpy bastard upon waking.

“Fuck off, my dress has pockets!” Kairi cheers. This is enough to cause me to straighten up, sitting tall in bed. 

“Dude!” My eyes light up, I scramble out of bed, nightgown falling over my legs in my wake. Kairi giggles and does a twirl, looking like an absolute angel in a pleated pink and black dress, complete with plaid accents, decorative buttons and a hood with little cat ears on it. “Can I just like...keep you?” 

“Specifically?” She asks.

“Just in general. You are so fucking cute.” I shake my head. 

“You've gotta try yours on! I can't believe these are supposed to protect us from darkness, these are so cute!” Kairi grins.

“That's the same thing our coats did back in the Organization.” Lea grumbles from bed. 

“Okay but look at Kairi's dress. This is much cuter than our coats.” I insist. Lea shifts up.

“I always thought I looked pretty cute.” Lea grumbles. And he's not wrong there, just the thought of dragging zipper of his coat down his deliciously tight body is tantalizing. But I argue mostly to distract myself from jumping my boyfriend in front of my best friend.

“You look better in real clothes.” I shrug. Lea makes a face but nods at Kairi. 

“You do look nice Kairi.” He decides.

“Thanks.” She grins, hugely. “I don't like my hair with it though. It bumps over the hood weird. I think I need something shorter.”

“Something sassy.” I agree.

“Can you cut it for me?” She asks.

“You don’t want me to do that, I barely even brush my hair.” I shake my head.

“Hey, maybe you can learn a spell that animates your brush and does it for you.” Lea suggests. I offer Kairi a thoughtful look.

“There’s an idea. You mind?” I ask. Kairi shrugs.

“Just don’t make me bald.” She replies. I narrow my eyes, thinking of my summoning spell, the one that calls my weapons to my hand. I think of summoning dusks and opening portals, and I really don’t think this can possibly be too much different. And then there’s all of the things Amaya and I did with our hair after I discovered alchemy, and how that was all pretty basic. With my shoulders back, I wave my hand in the direction of Kairi’s hair. Lights swirl around her head and when they come away, she is rocking the exact look I imagined. A layered bob that falls just above her shoulders, a freshening of her bangs. Her hair swings as she starts to toy with it and immediately heads to the mirror.

“Much better.” She nods. “This is seriously awesome, we are gonna do so much cool stuff to your hair, Rueki.” 

“You can’t even brush your hair, and yet you can cut Kairi’s with the wave of your hand?” Lea asks. I shrug.

“That was one of the first things I did after I learned alchemy.” I confess, though I leave out the fact that I kept the lights on through the night in the orphanage for Del’s sake. “That’s relatively basic as far as alchemy goes, I turned Amaya’s hair about a thousand different colors. This was about the same, just a little more guesswork and a little more willpower.” 

“It’s cute. Thanks Rueki.” Kairi grins, toothily as she spins back to me. “Now try your new clothes on.” 

“One second, I wanna try something first.” With the wave my my hand, I circle my bangs, thinking of flat, cute, side bangs that hang in layers, from my cheekbone to my jaw. I think of tame hair and when my hands come away, my bangs are definitely shorter, but as unruly as ever. A few pieces flare out, I make a face. Maybe if I just part it on the other side it’ll--

Nope.

Ugh, whatever, I’m over my hair.

I scoop a black suitcase off the floor and release the locks. Something twists my stomach, I get an odd sense of purpose, but shrug it off immediately. What a weird sense of deja vu. The suitcase falls open and I immediately pull out a black, pleated dress. I hold it up to me, spin around with it and shrug. Setting the garment on the bed, I start to yank off my nightgown. Lea yelps in protest, but Kairi laughs.

“Please, everyone in this room has seen Rueki naked.” She waves her hand. Lea looks at her, mouth open.

“We’re girls.” Is the only explanation I offer. I cast my nightgown aside and unzip the black dress. I pull it around, twist it, shimmy and zip it in the front. I swing my hips, testing the fabric, and there is plenty of give in it. Despite how thick it is, it is quite comfortable and seems that it will be easy enough to move around in. “How’s it look?” I ask. My eyes flick to myself in the mirror, and admittedly, it’s a flattering dress. It zips from the top to the bottom and fits at the top like a corset. The bottom flares out and covers enough where I don’t appear to be in any immediate danger of flashing anyone. 

“Bend over, gotta get a better view.” Lea grins and oh, is that tempting. The ease of access this dress will provide is everything. There will be just enough room in the top of the dress when Lea tears my zipper down, for him to tease my breasts. All it will take is him bending me over, bunching up my dress and yanking my panties down for him to be able to--

“Don’t be gross.” Kairi makes a face. Oh, right. Gross. Sure. Meanwhile, I am hella distracted by the hot tingles that spread up my thighs, that twist my stomach. I am riding him the second Kairi is out of the room. “You’ve got more clothes.” She waves her hand, and sure enough I do. From my suitcase, I grab what appears to be a dark red cropped hoodie, but upon further inspection, that appears to be quite a generous statement. I yank it over my head and realize that the hem both begins and ends above my breasts. The sleeves are tight and form fitting, the hood is relatively flat, the fabric is lightweight. I run my fingers across the dark red, black and white paid at the hem of the sleeves. The thing is borderline a shrug, looking at it, but it is hella cute, paired with the dress. There's also a white belt with an attached pouch for supplies, which I clip on, before sliding into the boots packed inside. They're black combat style boots, not unlike the ones Kairi wears, but mine are folded and are lined with the same red, black and white plaid at the edge of my hoodie.

“So cute.” Kairi says.

“Definitely not the ugliest thing I've ever worn.” I agree, smoothing my dress in the mirror. 

“Brush the rest of your hair and put some lipstick on, we're talking selfies.” She orders. 

“You brush my hair, I've gotta put mascara on too.” I insist, she groans, but grabs the brush off my dresser and starts yanking at my hair while I try to, with a steady hand, to apply mascara and lipstick. It is a challenge, but one we get through, while Lea laughs and peels himself out of bed. He has the decency to pull black jeans on, instead of standing by in his boxers, although at this point I'm not sure it would matter, since Kairi is thoroughly distracted with my tangles. Still, in the reflection of the mirror, I stare at my boyfriend, at the shifting of the muscles in his shoulders, the ‘v’ of his abdomen, the tightness of his forearms. This man is fucking beautiful and somehow, he keeps taking me back, despite the fact that I'm an absolute monster to be with. I can't even begin to fathom what I did to tilt the scales of the universe to deserve him. It's nothing new, but sometimes it amazes me how deliriously in love with another person I can be. 

“Try yours on.” I encourage. Lea holds up a dark red and black plaid shirt that almost perfectly matches the accents on my boots and hoodie and I am torn as to whether or not our matchiness would be terribly cringey or incredibly cute. 

“Eh.” Is his noncommittal response. He sets the shirt down, snatches up his old Organization coat and pulls it on. It dawns on me that he's been wearing it a lot more lately, not necessarily while training but definitely afterward, when Kairi, him and I watch the sunset and eat ice cream. And the more I think about it, I realize he’s been wearing the coat at least since we got back together.

“Will you take a picture of us, Lea?” Kairi asks as I rub my lips together, evenly distributing my lipstick.

“Sure thing, princess. Just do me a favor and don’t wake us up tomorrow. My girlfriend looks hot as hell and I fully intend to take advantage of that.” Lea winks at me.

“Bold of you to say my girl doesn’t always look hot.” Kairi snarks, plucking my phone off of the night stand. She thrusts it out to Lea who scoops it up after pulling on one of his boots.

“Bold of you to assume that I don’t take advantage of her on the regular.” Lea counters. Kairi makes a face. 

“I hate you both so much.” She shakes her head as Lea readies the camera.

“How are we posing?” I ask. Kairi shrugs.

“Take a couple?” She asks Lea.

“Sure, sure. The supermodels ready?” He offers me a wink that makes me smile. Kairi wraps an arm around my waist and leans in, balancing on one foot. I lean in and kiss her on the cheek. “Very nice, ladies. Let’s do another.” And I am both impressed and baffled by the patience Lea has as he takes photo after photo of me and Kairi jumping into each other’s arms, making goofy faces, posing obnoxiously. He laughs, offering commentary that only he could offer. “Kairi, come on at least try to look at the camera” and “Rueks, brush the hair out of your face, how else am I supposed to see your beautiful eyes?”

He’s an absolute angel, and after about six billion pictures he finally beckons us over so that we can look through my gallery. I wrap my arms around his waist as I look over what he’s taken.

“That’s it. That’s the one.” Kairi finally decides, pointing to a picture of me hunched over, flashing a peace sign, and her jumping on my back, arms around my shoulders. I grab the phone out of Lea’s hands and post it on Kingstagram.

“New outfits, who dis?” I announce.

“You’re learning technology, I’ve never been so proud.” Kairi squeals in delight.

“All cuz of you, sunshine.” I wink at her. She smiles. 

“You guys ready to start training? Aqua’s leading today.” Kairi informs us.

“Aqua, why?” I ask.

“I dunno, she’s a master. I’m sure her and Riku will take turns.” And I’m not complaining, not by a long shot. Secretly, I’m counting down the days until we’re done with training so I don’t have to hear Merlin’s voice. Commiserating with Cid will be therapeutic. On top of it all, despite the fact that I’m more than comfortable with magic at this point, I’m sure there’s a whole plethora of spells I haven’t even touched yet, spells that Aqua might even be able to teach me. 

“Cool.” I nod, slipping my fingers between Lea’s. Sometime when Kairi and I were getting me ready, he must’ve slipped on his gloves, and I do find a bit of comfort in the familiar feeling of warm leather brushing against the skin of my knuckles. We head out and as we approach the arena, Kairi’s face breaks out into a huge grin and she skips to the center of the field, where Riku stands, talking to Aqua, Ventus and Merlin. I make a move to follow her, but Lea grabs my hip with his free hand and stills me. He leans in, lips brushing my earlobe, which would make me shiver, regardless of the words he utters.

“I’d give up my arm to be one of the pleats in your dress right now, sweetheart.” He releases my hand so that his fingers may ghost up the pleat that sits perfectly against where my ass cheeks meet. My breath hitches, I swallow heavily. Lea kisses my temple and suddenly his touch is gone and he’s in front of me, walking to meet the others.

Filthy fucking tease. I roll my neck and shake the crippling arousal to the best of ability before dashing forward.

“Sleeping in?” Ventus teases us, as Lea and I arrive.

“Says the boy who slept for twelve years.” I counter. He laughs, Aqua chews her perfect lips as she looks at me, and I am reminded that despite my girl crush and the fact that I have kind of sort of been her before, doesn’t mean she returns the sentiment. 

“Right. Well, we should get started, now that everyone’s here.” Aqua says, tucking a strand of silky blue hair behind her ear. Even apprehensive of me and probably Lea too, she radiates an air of authority.

“Ahh, yes, Aqua. On to you.” Merlin nods, and with the wave of his hand, he disappears in a whirl that leaves me blinking and confused. Aqua smiles just a little broader, she regards the group of us calculatingly, as though she is trying to figure out the best place to begin.

“So each of us have an inkling of the others fighting style. Some of us more than others. I know how Ven fights probably about as well as he does. But the rest of us, we’re on the same side, we’re all connected in some way, but our inexperience beside one another is a weakness the seekers won’t have. Each of them is filled, on some level, with Xehanort. They’re connected deeper than we are. But we can remedy that. Here we have time to learn how to help each other, to know the other’s strengths and weaknesses, where to pick up the slack and where to fall back. So I propose that each of us spar, one on one, with the one we know to fight best. I’ll fight Ven. Rueki, you and Lea are together, I trust you know each other’s styles best?” She asks.

“Oh believe me, Master. I’ve got Rueki memorized.” Lea taps his temple with one hand, which is distraction enough that the others don’t notice the way his hand sneaks behind me and dips inside of my skirt to squeeze my ass. My throat tightens. I nod.

“Yeah, we’re good.” I sputter.

“And Riku, you were with Kairi when she first got her Keyblade, right?” Aqua asks. Riku nods.

“And we’ve known each other since we were kids. I’d say I know Kairi pretty well.” Riku offers her a little half smile. Kairi sticks her tongue out at him, but giggles, nonetheless.

“Then you guys can take each other on. The rest of us can observe, take mental notes, keep techniques in mind.” Aqua informs us. “Pay close attention, and don’t be afraid to ask questions or offer criticisms when the fight is done. Even Riku and I could benefit from fine tuning our techniques. There’s no such thing as too precise when it comes to fighting Xehanort.” She shakes her head, and I wholeheartedly agree. Much as acting on the fly works fine for me in a pinch, I would much rather have this whole thing own to an exact science by the time the final battle is at hand. I roll up the sleeves of my hoodie and nod. “Now, Ven. Let’s get started.” A spark lights Aqua’s eyes, and I think there is probably nothing easier or more lighthearted in her world, than getting to spar alongside her old friend. Ven’s head bobs as he nods, eyes bright and excited. Riku, Kairi, Lea and I find out way to the stadium style seats at the edge of the arena, and as we do, Lea slips a hand beneath my hair. His fingers walk up from my shoulders to my hairline with a touch so featherlight, it nearly tickles, and that is before flames prick at my skin. I bunch the fabric of my dress in my fist, my breath shifting. Mother fucker. But Lea doesn’t even react, he just lets his hand fall away from my neck and snakes it around my shoulders, tugging me in close. I lean my head against his shoulder as he traces my jugular, my collar bone, the hollow of my throat. This man is going to cause me to incinerate. 

Aqa takes a breath at one edge of the arena, rolling her shoulders back. Ventus grunts as he summons his Keyblade, a blade that the memories I share with him, informs me is called ‘Wayward Wind’. 

“Don’t hold back, Aqua.” Ven pleads. She offers a sideways sort of smile that I think only he is supposed to know the meaning of. Even without his heart currently entangled with Sora’s, I can feel the warmth radiating from within his very soul.

“Don’t worry. Never again will I underestimate you.” She assures him. And with that, Ventus goes sailing at her. I don’t expect my first crush to dominate this battle, and am not surprised when he falls to Aqua’s skillful hand. What does surprise me is the grace with which Aqua moves. She cartwheels and dances around every single one of Ventus’ swift attacks and what she lacks in speed and hitting power, she more than makes up for in defense and spellcasting abilities. I think that this is what Kairi will be capable of one day, with more practice. The way she twists and weaves, easily, in and out of Ventus’ attacks, is beyond mesmerizing. With grand magic, a spectacular Reflect barrier and unsinkable logic, Aqua takes Ventus to his knees and then, with an extended hand, helps him back up. “You always sacrifice your footing for speed. You can’t do that anymore, Ven. You’ve seen what Vanitas is capable of, I’m not losing anyone else to any of Xehanort’s vessels.” She tells him, though that does not mean that Ven was entirely helpless. No, quite the opposite. She is right, the boy is speedy, light on his feet and skilled with defense. But undoubtedly, he too, could benefit from learning how to hit harder and more precisely. I note Kairi beside me, watching with narrowed eyes.

“That last attack of his, how did you know that you’d be able to cut him down so easily?” Kairi asks.

“It was all in his footing. I saw that Ven’s stance was weak. He came in fast and strong, so I used his fault to my advantage. Combat isn’t just about the things that make you strong, but about using your opponents weaknesses against them too.” Aqua begins to explain, but that is the last I hear from her. I don’t know how he’s doing it, I’m sure it must take immense concentration, but his face unreadable and perfectly neutral as Lea summons flames to the inside of my thighs, for just the briefest fraction of a second. They are snuffed out before even one set of eyes might wander, but the feeling lingers infinitely longer. Breath has been torn from my lungs, my heart hammers so loud, I feel it pounding like a drum in my temples. My hand darts out, squeezing his knee with a vice like grip. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch the slightest flick of a smirk curl at the edges of his lips. 

“Okay, let’s do this, Riku.” I don’t know what inspired Kairi to leap to her feet and rock back onto her heels with a huge grin on her face, but in my trance like state, she nearly gives me a heart attack, I all but fumble back into Lea, who just grips me a little tighter, chuckling.

“What’s got you so jumpy, sweetheart?” He taunts.

“Oh you know, just worried that I’m going to have to carry your ass back to our room after I pound the living shit out of you.” I say in a voice that is unnaturally shaky. He leans in, pressing his lips to my temples, voice so low that only I can hear him.

“Funny, I’m much more interested in a different kind of pounding.” He is straight up going to be the death of me. 

Riku and Kairi take to the arena, her shifting weight from one foot to the other, him with narrowed and determined eyes. 

The fight is surprisingly close, despite Kairi’s lack of experience. Riku hits about ten times harder than her, and one swing from him instantly has her on the ground, but Kairi is crafty and passionate and wants so badly to prove herself. Her magic has gotten good, and despite Riku’s strength, power always yields to magic. A Reflect barrier puts him on his ass. He leaps back up and charges in after her. She twirls out of the way, he circles her and she patiently anticipates his attack, smartly waiting until the last minute to whip around and block his blade. Inevitably though, he puts her on the ground, catching her leg as she tries to leap at him mid air. Her desperation is her fatal flaw, and Riku is calculating enough to pick up on that, and pin her the first chance he gets. She lays on the ground, panting, a death glare fixed on him.

“Don’t give me that face.” Riku sighs, offering her a hand, but Kairi is nothing if not feisty. She pushes herself to her feet without any help and sets a hand on her hip.

“What do I do next time to be better?” She asks, all business. Riku offers her a half smirk.

“That was a tough fight, Kairi. You’re really doing great.” He assures her, but she shakes her head.

“Doing great isn’t going to stop Xehanort from trying use me against Sora. I’m sick of being a damsel, Riku.” Kairi reminds him.

“My blade is longer than yours.” Riku finally gives. I smirk just a tiny bit as I hear the words he is about to utter, knowing that I myself have though the same thing at one point. “That can be tricky, but what you need to do is get in close. Your enemy will have no give to swing their blade, you can use their advantage against them. But you kept wanting to attack from a distance, I know you were trying to keep yourself safe, but middle ground isn’t. Either get close or get so far away that I can’t touch you. And be careful of people that fight strictly at a distance.”

“How else do you think Xigbar fucked me up so thoroughly?” I ask her, piping up. She presses her mouth into a frown.

“Xigbar?” Ventus asks.

“You’d know his as Braig. He’s still a dick, in case you were worried.” I inform him and watch Aqua’s eyes go wide.

“You fought him too?” She asks me. Ven’s memories inform me of what I should have already realized from my own fight with Xigbar. Our fights with the Freeshooter almost perfectly mirrored one another.

“I did. To protect Sora, the same as you wanted to protect Ven. You know, Sora houses my best friend as well.” I inform her. A sudden warmth floods Aqua’s eyes.

“Hey!” Kairi protests, turning to me.

“Sorry.” I shake my head. “Sora houses my male best friend.”

“Better.” Kairi agrees, fluttering over to take a seat beside me. 

“Rueki’s right though. In a fight like that, knowing how to play defense is everything, you’re already good at patiently waiting for you opening, keep that up and learn what kind of space is safe for you to give your opponent.” Riku says, finally sitting down beside the rest of us. I turn to Lea, whose absence of touch during Riku and Kairi’s entire battle mildly disturbs me. I stand, untwining myself from him.

“Guess we’re up.” I say, stretching out tall.

“Guess we are.” He says, standing as well. “Kiss for good luck, sweetheart?” He raises an eyebrow. I snicker, but stand on my toes, waiting for him to close the distance, and he does. He leans down and presses his lips to mine, and what I think for a moment, will be a chaste kiss quickly takes a more delectable turn. He swipes his tongue across my lips, so feather light, so brilliantly quick. My heart sputters, I tear away, every muscle in my body dangerously tight. But he was so swift, so sneaky, so much like the devious man I initially fell in love with, that no one is any the wiser. They look expectantly at the two of us, I clear my throat and all but stomp to the battle field, thoroughly flustered. I hate this man sometimes.

“Distracted, Rueks?” Lea raises an eyebrow, and for a second, I contemplate taking my shoe off and throwing it at him, accusing him of playing dirty tricks on me. But instantly, I recall that he’s been handsy since the second I put this dress on, an I am incredibly enticed by the activities we might partake in after training.

“Hardly.” I reply, rolling my shoulders back. I visualize La Luxure in my hands, and it appears in time. Lea flicks his wrist, Flame Liberator is conjured. 

“Mmm, shame. You’re a lot more fun to fight when you’re agitated.” He teases.

“I’m sure you’ll get me there soon enough.” And without another moment’s hesitation, I fly at him, legs moving as fast as they can possibly take me. Fists drawn back, I whip La Luxure through the air. “Freeze!” I scream, lacing my weapons with Blizzaza as they go hurtling in his direction. Lea is fast, twirling his Keyblade in a huge circle to fend off not one, but both of my Knuckles. I grit my teeth, throw myself to the ground, and with the momentum, skid in, on my back, knocking him clean off of his feet. I hop to my feet, backflip over, onto bended knee and extend my hands, calling La Luxure back to me. Lea grapples to his feet, teeth gritted as he regards me.

“Dirty hit, Rueks.” He accuses. I offer a sideways grin.

“Dirty is the only thing I know how to be, sweetheart.” I bat my lashes, he grins wickedly. Words cannot describe how fun this is going to be. 

Lea swings his Keyblade back, behind his head and sends it sailing at me. I charge forward, leaping through the air, onto his Keyblade, catapulting off of it and towards him. I throw my weight froward, shoulders first, he’s within reach and just as I draw my Knuckles forward, the Keyblade comes hurtling back, knocking me onto the ground once, and then slamming into my back. I grunt as I turn over, realizing quickly that it was not Flame Liberator that landed a hit on me, but Lea’s Chakrams. The Eternal Flame. Clever fucking bastard can transform his weapons at will. So be it. I slam my fists into the dirt, tearing myself off of the ground, grinding my teeth. My eyes roam him as I contemplate how to best close the distance between the two of us. He sways as he catches the Chakrams in his hands once more, and as they hit his palms, two weapons become one, reforming his Keyblade. He offers me a deadly grin, swinging wildly as he comes sprinting at me. Lea knows my every weakness, he knows my every strength, he has seen me fight more than anyone else and is savage enough to do anything to get the upper hand. 

He’s deadly, a monster, a force of nature. But he’s going to have to join the club.

He slams his Keyblade down onto me and I throw my arms up to deflect him. He knows if he can beat me to the punch, keep me on the defensive that I will be easy to hammer away at, but after fighting Xigbar, I’m smart enough to not fall victim so easily. I hook my leg through his and slam my body into his, taking a mouthful of Keyblade in the process. I grunt spitting out blood as we hit the ground.

“Thun--” I begin, but Lea slams his forehead into mine, and it takes everything I have not to chomp off my own tongue. I scream, head snapping back as he twists his hips and knocks me onto my back “Zero Gravity!” We’re hanging, midair now and in the haze, drowning in the high, I flip him back over as he looks, blankly at me, and slam my elbow down onto his face. He hits the ground with a jolt, and I stomp my foot down directly onto his chest. “Freeze!” Blizzaza rains down onto him, violent spikes of ice shooting from the ground. A scream tears through his lips, my heart shatters, my knees go weak. “No.”

I don’t see straight. I don’t see anything at all save for Betwixt and Between, my ragged throat and the screams that tore through it. Him, fading, dissolving, turning to nothing, beneath my fingertips as I beg him to stay. No. Not again, no please, no.

“Don’t leave me, Lea.” The words are a whimper as they spill through my lips. I fall forward onto myself, clutching my head, tears pouring down my face. “Stop, please, don’t go, don’t leave, you can’t leave me again, no!” I shriek, stomach spasming, heart clenching. I scream, gripping the skin of my face with biting fingernails.

“Rueki, please, stop!” I hear distantly, in a voice that once brought me comfort.

“What’s going on, is she okay?” Another voice that should bring me comfort.

“She needs an Esuna, she’s having a panic attack.” A female voice tries.

But none of them matter, none of them exist. I see a little boy shoving me aside, I watch as his beating heart gets ripped from his chest. I see a smirking face with glowing gold eyes and an angry red scar. It leers over me as the bloody, broken body of the man I love lays behind him.

‘This is for me.”

The scream that tears through me makes me go blind, electrocutes me. I spasm, writhing on the ground, limbs snapping and jerking.

“Stay back, she’s electrocuting herself.” A male voice warns.

“Someone cast NullShock on me, she needs me.” And there’s that voice. That voice is everything, that voice warms my very core, but it snaps away as, in my mind’s eye, I watch a Claymore tear Lea clean in two. I scream again as the same blade pierces me. I scream and twitch and writhe, and I think, this is it. This is death, and there’s nothing I can do to save anyone I care about. I’m weak, pathetic, defenseless. I am a helpless mess and I deserve to die, if I cannot save him, then--

“Baby, it’s okay.” The arms that circle me are scorching and snap me back, violently into reality. 

“No!” I choke, head jerking upward. I don’t know how he manages to move so quick, but Lea lurches out of the way of my involuntary headbutt and when I finally meet his gaze, I am panting. The world around me becomes a little clearer.

“You’re safe, Rueks. I’m safe. You’re here with me. It’s alright sweetheart. I promise, I’m not going anywhere, not ever again.” Lea’s lips find my temples, he kisses me so sweet, so soft, so hot. Hotter than the tears that spill from my eyes.

“You screamed, and--”

“You hit hard, baby.” He assures me. “But hey, I’m tough, got it memorized?” He swipes an assuring hand through my hair, and traces the other along my calf. Flames materialize at his touch and are exactly the sort of vibrant pleasure I need to see straight.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, I didn’t mean to lose my shit.” I shake my head. “I just can’t...I just heard you scream, and I saw you die, the first time and the last time, and then I saw Saix and you and--” My words make less and less sense to me, but Lea seems to understand them. He takes my hand in his and sets it against his heart and I count the beats.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Another figure drops down beside us, and while female, it is not who I expect. 

“Here, drink this.” Aqua’s voice is like honey as she extends a vial to me. I know what it is, of course, I remember Ienzo and Aeleus forcing one down my throat when panic struck me in Radiant Garden. Eagerly, I take the Esuna from her hand, remove the cap and down the beverage. My limbs go limp, I feel warm, soothed, and am suddenly putty in Lea’s hands. He pulls me in tight, stroking my hair. “Can you stand? It might help you feel better if you can expel some more energy.” She offers. I tilt my head as my gaze meets hers. She is all warmth, and in her eyes I am reminded of the soothing waters on the Destiny Islands. 

“I...yeah, I think I can. Can you help me, babe?” I look to Lea.

“Let me, too.” Kairi runs over, pulling me to my feet with Lea, which is embarrassing to say the least. This is the most public panic attack I think I’ve ever had, and quite possibly the worst. I hate this. Riku and Ventus are near, on standby. “Are you okay, Rueki.”

“Yeah, yeah, good.” I wave a hand, trying to brush aside Lea and Kairi and Ven and Riku and everyone, because this is too much. “Can you all just get out of my face for about fifteen seconds? I just need to like...process..” Running a hand through my hair, I take a few steps away. “Sorry, by the way. That was weird, I didn’t mean to, you know, like ruin the exercise. By the way, Lea, the whole screaming in pain trick isn’t going to work on everyone, so if you could save being vocal for specific activities, that’d be pretty grand.” I offer a thumbs up. 

“You did good. You both did. That would’ve been a dangerous fight, I think next time, we should go over what we know about the thirteen seekers and try to map out their strengths and weaknesses and see who we think is best suited against who.” Riku says, arms crossed to his chest, suddenly mature and protective and everything he wasn’t in Sora’s early memories, but now is.

“Cool, cool, yeah, can we be done for a minute?” I ask.

“We should be done for the day. Ventus and I could stand to rest a little longer, no one needs to over exert themselves training.” Aqua says, the voice of reason.

“Right, I mean, we have all the time in the world.” Kairi reminds me. I turn to Lea, meeting his eyes, a pathetic sort of longing in my own gaze.

“We should all have ice cream. Enjoy the forest. Take a break.” Ventus suggests, and while on any other occasion, I would normally be very game, right now, I need some semblance of privacy.

“Rain check, if it’s all the same to you guys, I could go for a decade long nap.” I look up, offering Ventus a tiny smirk. He nods, smile promising.

“Feel better, Rueki.” Kairi quickly wraps her arms around me and kisses my forehead. “Take care of her.” She tells Lea, in a quiet voice.

“Always, princess. Have an extra ice cream for me.” He orders. She giggles. Riku claps me on the shoulder, perfectly silent. I’m reminded, momentarily of Neku, but I shake the feeling quickly when Aqua intercepts us.

“Rueki, you’re alright. Please don’t forget that. I know it’s rough, especially when you’ve had a hard go of things.” She says. I blink at her.

“You sat for over a decade in hell. I’m just a whiny brat, sorry for causing a scene. I only like to do that sometimes.” I press my lips together. Aqua smiles a little brighter.

“We’re not here to compare pain. My suffering doesn’t lessen yours. We both did what we did for people we love, if what Kairi says is true.” She says. “I think...I think if the two of you knew Ven once before, he’s lucky you’re here with us now. We’re all lucky.”

And despite her initial apprehension her words sound genuine. My heart leaps, I bite my lip and think that perhaps this might be a silver lining after all. 

“Thank you, Aqua.” I breathe.

“Don’t thank me. And if you even need an Esuna, my door is always open. Please, don’t hesitate.” She says. In the hazy state my world is still in, I don’t think before I speak, I just blurt.

“Thanks, you’re super badass and super hot, I’d already have a crush on you even if you weren’t so nice.” 

Lea bursts out laughing, Aqua colors. Behind us Ven and Kairi bark out laughter and eventually, Riku starts to chuckle too. Aqua sighs, shaking her head.

“Get some rest, Rueki, you’re delirious.” She tries.

“I am, but you’re still perfect.” I agree as Lea hooks a hand around my waist.

“Come on, sweetheart, stop hitting on the Keyblade Master.” Lea says. I snicker as we head back inside. 

Lea is insistent on trying to hold me steady, despite the fact that I have already proven I can walk.

“Baby, I’m sorry.” Lea whispers.

“You’re good, you didn’t do anything that wasn’t a normal reaction. It’s okay.” I wave a hand. “And dude, seriously, I can walk, I’m not completely helpless.” I push off of him. He catches my hand with his though, smoothing a gloved thumb across my knuckles.

“You fell apart, I let this happen to you, I let countless nightmares come into your life when I should have been there to--”

“Stop it, I’m not any worse off than anyone else here. We’re all colossally fucked up, I’m just shit at dealing with it.” I assure him.

“But this is going to affect you all the time, I hate seeing you cry. You’re right, I put too much that I shouldn’t have on you and--”

“That’s old shit, Lea and I’m done talking about it.” I snap as we reach our door. I take the hand that is linked in mine and squeeze. “Shit happens, I’m dealing, I’m fine and now I don’t want to think about it anymore. I’ve spent more than enough time miserable to know it’s not for me so can we like...move on?” I ask.

“Rueks… I want to help you.” He pleads, leaning in close, crouching down to press his forehead against mine. 

“Then help me forget.” I draw the hand that is twined with mine, up under the skirt of my dress and press his palm against the lips of my pussy, through the fabric of my panties.

“Yeah?” His eyes go wide, his breath shifts.

“Don’t tell me all that teasing out there was for nothing.” I breathe, hoping I have now thoroughly distracted him. 

“Are you up for it?” He asks. I purse my lips, drop his hand and grab his cock, through the leather of his coat. Leaning on my toes, I smash my lips to his

“I’m not fragile, don’t treat me like it.” And for perhaps the first time in our entire relationship, he listens to me. He slams his lips back onto mine and leads the way into our room.

The door closes behind us and I all but devour Lea. He grabs my shoulders, twirls me around and slams me, torso first into the bed. My breath hitches, my stomach flips. He bunches the fabric of my dress up, rubs his hands over my ass and spanks me. I yelp, hands twisting in the comforter.

“Have I told you today how good you look in red?” Lea’s voice is hot and dangerously heavy at my ear. My skin prickles in delight as I feel him grind his hips into me from behind. He’s hard and I am so hungry for all that he is. I groan, rocking back into him.

“Have I told you how good you look on top of me?” I ask. He snickers, warm breath dancing across the skin of my neck. The sounds he makes as he gropes and strokes my ass make my body go tense. My legs tighten, I arch onto my toes, begging for something, anything he’ll give me. There’s a smirk in his voice as he drags a finger from my clit to my ass, over my panties.

“You know how hard it’s going to be to not just grab your hips and pull you onto my lap any chance I get? Sneak a hand under your dress, slip a finger into that tight fucking cunt?” He hooks a finger through the waistband of my panties and starts to pull them down, tantalizingly slow. The elastic of the fabric provides just the tiniest, most perfect amount of friction as it presses into my ass, the lips of my pussy, across my clit. I whimper, toes curling tight as I settle back down onto my feet. “All easy to access like this, I’m not going to be able to keep my hands off of you, Rueks.” 

“Fuck me then, baby. Please.” I keen, shifting my ass high into the air. Lea chuckles softly, an ungloved finger tracing the rim of my asshole. My skin prickles, Lea inhales, I don’t realize what he is doing until a drop of saliva hits right where his fingers were teasing. “Oh.” I stutter as his newly slickened fingers press into me. The groan that falls from my lips only encourages him further. The tip of his finger dips into my ass and work in the tiniest circles. The sensation is filling, overwhelming, strange and delicious all in one. I feel every nerve ending in my body come alive, savoring this moment. 

“So fucking tight.” He murmurs, twisting a hand around my hair. The hand that is’t slowly and sweetly working me open bunches my hair into a fist, so that his mouth can more easily find my neck. With soft lips he kisses, licks, sucks, bites, does anything he can to taste the skin of my neck. I shift, eager to shimmy out of at least the hoodie I wear, but as I try to tug off the garment, Lea yanks my hair. A cry spills from my lips, my back snaps, arms shaking as they hold me up. Lea groans against my skin, mouth sliding from the back of my neck to the front. “Maybe I should be the one taking that off.”

“Please.” I beg, voice rattling. His teeth run across the side of my neck, to the curve at my shoulder, pulling the fabric of my hoodie aside. His finger presses deeper into me, just so, and then withdraws. I feel so incredibly empty, everything below my stomach clenches. Suddenly, his finger is back, pushing a little further into me, and it is everything I need. The hand that was twined into my hair falls away, allowing my hair to spill down like a curtain in front of me. His eager thumb finds my overheated clit, a finger from that hand slips into the wet heat of my cunt. I instantly tighten around him, gasping. My first reaction is to buck my hips, and when I do, I am met immediately with all the reasons I shouldn’t have. The sudden pressure on my G-spot is overwhelming, I squirm aching for relief, only to be shaken by how beautifully he is stretching my asshole. “Fuck, Lea.”

He kisses the bit of exposed skin on my upper back, traces my shoulder blades with his tongue, kisses along my spine, sucks along the hem of my dress and hoodie. Another finger presses into my pussy. I don’t possibly know if I can feel fuller than this. And that is when he starts to pump into my cunt. With an amazing dexterity, he manages to hammer into my pussy while simultaneously tracing shapes around my clit, feather light. The wet smacking noises that fill the room as he works me open, are intoxicating. My legs start to sputter, vibrating vibrantly. I catch myself bouncing on the balls of my feet, trying to find relief in the pressure on my ass, the tenderness on my clit, or the stretching in my pussy. My wetness begins to spread, his fingers slip perfectly against me, curl inside of me, move rapidly faster than I can keep up with. 

“Dammit, Lea--” I rasp. He slips a third finger into me and I come with a cry, tightening impossibly around everything that fills me. “Oh, Lea, oh fuck, shit, dammit!” His name and a litany of curse words leave my mouth. The heady, overwhelming beauty nearly makes me go blind. My arms and legs buckle. Lea’s damp hand withdraws from inside of me, he hooks an arm around my waist, keeping me upright, despite everything.

“Fuck, look at you.” He chuckles, rubbing too hot hand against the cold, sweating skin of my upper back. Despite my recent orgasm, I am still aching to find release with him inside of me. His fingers pull away from my ass. He grabs my hoodie and all but tears it off of me. I grab the zipper of my dress and work it down my hips, kicking it and the panties that rested around my ankles, the rest of the way off. Rustling sounds off behind me, his hands fall away from me. I hear Lea shrug his coat off. “I’ve been waiting for this all day.” 

“Then don’t make me wait any longer.” I turn, standing upright, looking up at him. His fingers work down my waist, skimming across my curves. He leans down, lips searing against mine. I sigh, shoulders uncurling as he leans me into our bed. His body is hot and heavy as he sinks into me. My eyes flutter back, my legs go limp as I feel him begin to line himself up, just so.

“Scream my name, baby?” His lips brush mine as he speaks, and before I get a second to respond, he pushes forward and slowly, slowly, until he sinks to the hilt. I moan, body arching into his as he fills me. Despite the fingers that worked me open earlier, nothing ever prepares me for how pleasantly his cock stretches me. My fingernails bite into his back, our sweat slickened bodies press against one another and this sets my nerve endings alight in the most exhilarating way possible. 

“Fuck Lea.” My voice breaks on his name, and I can tell he savors that. His hips snap deep, hammering into my cervix. My eyes flutter back, my breath goes shaky, but nothing deters him. I don’t know who is more eager to lose themselves in one another, him or me, but he is unrelenting, pounding hard into me. I feel myself bounce back against him, moans shaking the air. The noises he makes are small, needy grunts and I think to myself that I want to drown inside the sound. With bended arm to hold himself steady above me, he moves his other hand down to trace my nipples, fingers gentle and dangerously light as flames ignite upon my skin.

“I love you so much, Rueki.” He murmurs, lips dancing along the overheated skin of my jawline. My hips buck, I twitch, meeting him thrust for thrust as we work against each other, me with fingernails drawing on his back, him teasing every square inch of my body with flickering flames.

“I love you too, baby.” I breathe. His mouth starts to work down my jaw, tongue lapping against my jawline, my neck. Long, thick fingers pinch my nipples, tweaking them, turning them rock hard. It doesn’t take much, between Lea pumping into me and the praise he sings me as flames ignite across my skin, for me to tip straight over the edge. I come with a cry, sputtering, spasming, clamping tight around him, gushing around his cock. 

“Fucking dammit.” He chokes, and suddenly his hips jerk into mine, irregularly, rapidly. His eyes roll back, he leans into me and I hear the breath flood from his lungs as he releases inside me. 

We lay there for a moment, in our aftershocks, and I sigh into his skin pulling him close.

“You’re safe. You’re alright, Rueks. Nothing is ever going to hurt you again.” He promises, kissing down my shoulders.

“I know, Lea.” I nod against, him and when I say the words to follow, I mean them. “I trust you.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some soft and gentle Keyblade Crew + Rueki for you guys. As a reminder, today's update is the last one until the 6th. I will be back with chapter 24 on June 6th, when I get back from vacation! Until then, enjoy today's double update (because I do always try to sweeten the deal for you guys) as well as the playlist at the end of the next chapter. Chapter 23 is the halfway point in this story, and of course, the time I make the announcement. After 'From The Ashes' concludes, another mini installment called 'Incinerate' will release with five chapters for five characters, much like I did with 'Ignite'. The third major installment in this series will be COMPLETELY BASED OFF OF HEADCANONS. I mean obvi, this story is KH3, and who knows when we'll be getting KH4, so yeah. If you guys can get on board with me no longer being canon compliant, cool, let's have fun and enjoy the ride. Rueki's story has some huge things in store that I cannot wait to share with you guys. So anyhow, I'll see you all on the 6th, and until then, you kids have fun!

XXII.

“No. Come back to bed. Ten more minutes.” The sudden absence of warmth beside me is devastating. Lea crawls out of bed and I am woken immediately. With sheets twisted around me, I struggle to climb out of bed after him and only serve to further tangle myself. With a grunt, I just give up and reach an arm out to him. “Please.” I beg. He chuckles, sets the shirt he just retrieved atop the dresser and finds his way back to me, sitting beside me in the bed. Carding a hand back through my hair, he learns down and kisses my forehead.

“No dice, sweetheart. Riku's got Ven, Kairi and I running drills all day. Not all of us get lucky enough to train with Aqua.” He reminds me, though his lips tenderly make their way around my hairline. 

He's right though, about me getting the better end of the deal. Aqua is a fantastic magician, and unlike Merlin, she doesn't make me want to rip my hair out or kick something. She is undeniably practical, impressively intelligent, and as fiercely protective of Ventus as I am well… Everyone now, I don't know when I became such a fucking bleeding heart, but apparently that's a thing. And more to the point, Aqua is a little better than Merlin at knowing how far too push me. She knows exactly how much heat I can take, before the weight of the world starts to cripple me, and never asks unnecessarily prying questions. If I knew what kind of teacher she was, I would’ve crawled through the realm of darkness to rescue her myself, before this whole fucking nightmare began.

“Riku won’t suck your dick, I think you should stick with me.” I murmur, grinning against his touch.

“Believe me Rueks, you don’t need to tempt me. I’d much rather spend the day in bed with you.” He assures me. “Next time we get a day off.”

“Which won’t be until after the war.” And I swallow dryly, thinking of how despite being in a timeless forest, the prospect of facing our enemies seems to be on its way, rapidly approaching. Timeless or not, I still feel each second slipping through our fingers.

“We'll get ice cream. Go to the beach. I'll even swim with you.” He promises, lips brushing across my cheekbones.

“End the day with me maybe jerking you off on top of the clock tower in Twilight Town?” I suggest.

“You're a goddess, Rueks.” And oh, how perfect it would be to come undone, melt into this moment, dissolve into all of his sweetness. But he picks himself out of bed and I groan, pressing my mouth into a frown at how frigid my life feels without him. He makes his way back to the dresser, pulls his shirt over his head and then snatches up his trench coat.

“Still not interested in your new clothes?” And it does bug me that in the time (weeks? Months?) that we've had these new clothes he still wears something that I was so eager to shed. Something that seemed to tether me to Organization XIII. Certainly it wasn't nearly as big a part of my life as it was his, but shouldn't that be all the more reason for him to rid himself of those ties? 

His fingers hover over his zipper, I watch his shoulders heave as he takes a breath.

“Do you...ever look at Kairi and feel like you should be remembering something or someone?” The question strikes me as odd and almost immediately I go to tell him no but a disarray of half forgotten visions flood my mind. A younger, blue eyed Amaya. Kairi with choppy, black hair. Sunsets, trench coats and ice cream. I have no idea who the face could possibly belong to. Surely I've never seen this person before, but there is the unshakable gut yanking feeling that I must know this person from somewhere.

“Not just Kairi. Amaya and Yuffie too.” I confess, avoiding his eyes by focusing on untwisting myself from the sheets. 

“It bugs me. I'm sure I'm supposed to have whoever it is memorized, but I just...don't.” I risk a glance at his slumped shoulders and my heart shatters. “Guess I screwed up.” 

“Both of us. I thought we had all of our memories back.” And already, so early in the morning I catch myself growing irritated at the fact that yet another memory seems to slip away from me. Fuck. Why? Why is there always something hidden beneath the surface, tantalizing and just out of my reach? It is beyond unfair that I can dive into so many hearts but my own mind is almost constantly off limits to even me.

“Yeah...so I figure, if I can't remember whoever or whatever, maybe they can make up the difference if I preserve enough of who I used to be.” He explains and just like that, things begin to click into place. My eyes widen, my mouth forms a perfect little ‘o’.

“That's why you asked Kairi to call you Axel.” I breathe, throwing the remaining blankets off of me and tossing my legs over the side of the bed. 

“Well it sure wasn't to piss my girlfriend off.” He throws me a sheepish look. I clamber out of bed and toss my arms around his middle, pulling him in tight. Lea's body relaxes against mine, it feels nothing shy of heaven.

“She's a bitch though. Gets pissed at everything. You should break up with her.” I say, nuzzling him closer. 

“Eh I tried that. My life sucked without her.” He chuckles, patting my lower back. “I know that our relationship wasn't exactly the pinnacle of healthy or happy back then, I'd never ask you to call me Axel. But there are people who might still need him to come back to. You come first, of course, sweetheart. But I'm never not gonna wanna save everyone.” He reminds me. I nod against him.

“I know. It's simultaneously one of your most endearing and infuriating qualities. We're good. Just don't expect me to budge on...things.” I swallow dryly. Lea stiffens against me, but as I pull away, I see him nod. “You're not the only one hell bent on bringing Roxas back. I owe him at least that much.” 

“What do you owe him for?” He chuckles, unprepared when I cross my arms to my chest. 

“Want a list? We can start with all the times he defended my ass from Saix, move to all the panic attacks he helped me through, work our way through the fact that I promised I'd help him kill Xemnas and died before I could and end with the whole me contemplating murdering him to save you in the data Twilight Town thing.” I explain. Lea shifts his weight and catches my wrist in his hand, running a thumb across the inside. 

“Well hey, if you're on the case with me, there's no way we can lose. Got it memorized, partner?” He asks. I snort.

“Are you a cowboy now?” I tease. He laughs, kissing the top of my head. 

“Hundred percent, Rueks.”

“So, you help me bring Roxas back, and I'll help anyone who needs it, remember you.” I weave his fingers through his. “Inside my memories, you can live forever.”

\--

Words cannot express the lady boner I have for Aqua.

She is strong and her elegance is not weakness. With a spinning movement, she teaches me something called ‘Spellweaver’ a form change that her weapon allows her.

“I know you chose your weapon, but on some level, it called to you, it chose you as much as you chose it. Focus on what drew you to your weapon. There's something in that, that you can bend to your will.” Aqua tells me. Gingerly, I take La Luxure into my hands, turning the Knuckle over.

“It wasn't necessarily my first choice, but it was practical to have something more lightweight than the Claw I normally fight with.” I explain. “It's easy to work with though, faster to move with. The blades are sleek and sharp and it exerts less energy to work with something that doesn’t drag me down. Still, I miss alchemy.” I sigh, tracing a finger along the curve of the blades.

“Magic is less taxing.” Aqua reminds me, taking a seat beside me on the ground. 

“Alchemy is what I know though. Like what I grew up learning. It’s dumb, but I guess I’m just nostalgic.” I shrug.

“I get it.” Aqua replies, leaning in to examine my blades. “Why these Knuckles though over any others?” She asks, and again, I have no good answer for her, but she is patient and offers me a smile. “It’s alright. You’re learning.”

“You’re patient, it’s more than I deserve.” I reply. She giggles, but shakes her head.

“It’s the least I can do. I made a lot of mistakes. With Ven, with Terra. A lot of things I wish I could correct.” She confesses, though the perfectly composed expression never falters on her face.

“I think you more than paid the price for it in the realm of darkness.” I say.

“Maybe.” She says, ducking quickly away from my words. “I don’t think the scales of the universe are really all that simple.” 

“Why not?” I ask. “Something good should be able to counter an equal amount of bad.”

“And who’s to decide that, Rueki? We’re only human.” She reminds me.

“Sure, but doesn’t that just mean that we can work extra hard to tilt the balance in the right direction? I think a certain amount of suffering outweighs a certain amount of misgivings.” I say. She offers me a little half smile and looks away, perfectly blue eyes focused on the ground.

“I understand what you’re getting at, but I can’t change the past and I can’t change the fact that my friends suffered because I chose what was good over what was right.” She says. “I’ve had enough time to dwell on it all, so now it’s time to get back up and make a change. I’ve seen you fight, I know you can understand that.” Her eyes finally find mine again and I shrug.

“I’m reasonably okay at getting back up after being knocked down. It’s kind of my specialty at this point.” I concede.

“You spit out your own blood and proceeded to gain the upperhand battling your boyfriend the first time I ever saw you fight.” She reminds me.

“I mean, that’s kind of just a regular Tuesday night for us at this point.” I say, Aqua laughs, breathy and soft.

“You really like to make light of your own suffering.” She says.

“Well, there’s enough to go around. You do too.” I say. 

“I guess the whole self sacrificing thing is something we over protective big sister types have in common.” She reminds me, and my eyes widen as my mind flashes to another time very similar words were spoken to me. My memories connect with Ventus’ and I snort.

“So that’s what Xigbar meant.” I breathe, and immediately loathe myself for being so incredibly vague. “When I fought him, he said he needed to stop messing with over protective big sister types. I didn’t know it at the time, Ven’s memories were still asleep inside of Sora’s, but your fight with Braig almost perfectly paralleled my fight with Xigbar.”

“He’s one of the thirteen.” She says. I nod, and then, with a look so deadly, a look that screams ‘Master’, a look that causes my blood to run cold, she speaks again. “It sounds like he didn’t learn his lesson. We’ll just have to be sure it clicks next time.”

\--

We eat ice cream every night. Me, Lea, Riku, Kairi, Ventus and Aqua.

Each sunset is more beautiful than the last, and I am reminded, with the twist to my gut, about Lea’s words. 

Something is missing, something or someone.

“What’s the first thing you guys wanna do when this is all done?” Lea asks, arm tight around me, and I know he feels time slipping away. Something tells me we all do. Despite time being of no consequence, despite Merlin’s ability to spit us our wherever, whenever, time does somehow flow around us. I don’t know exactly how, I don’t know exactly why, but each second that ticks away here is a step closer to this war being so very real, and Lea devours distraction in a way I appreciate so thoroughly. My muscles uncurl, I lean further into him.

“Sleep.” Aqua laughs, head falling back. “I don’t know how many nights I’ve spent awake, worrying about everything and everyone. I can’t wait to just…”

“Know all of your idiots are safe?” I ask.

“Not the words I would’ve used, but yes.” She giggles.

“Hey!” Ventus counters.

“If it’s any consolation, kid, I’m her prince charming now and she’s still a lot meaner to me than she ever will be to you.” Lea grins.

“You’re a toad, you’re no one’s prince charming.” I counter, making a face.

“Case in point.” Is Lea’s response. 

“Well, I’d be content not to sleep again.” Ven smiles softly. “There’s so much of the world I missed out on. I still have to become a Master myself. So that’s what I’m gonna do. Train with Terra, we’ll take our exams together once we get him back.”

“You’ll both pass with flying colors.” Aqua smiles, ruffling the boy’s hair. 

“But you’ll have to get in line.” Lea mouths off and I laugh.

“Not this again.” I shake my head.

“Ugh right. I mean, obviously I’m going to make Master before you.” Kairi smugly tosses her hair over her shoulder.

“Are we seriously forgetting the fact that Sora saved the world like fifty six times and he’s still not a Master?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Fifty six?” RIku scoffs.

“I was flourishing for story telling purposes.” I explain.

“Oh, of course.” He laughs, and this time, I see his shoulders relax, I seem him begin to give in to the moment. Chewing at my lips, I wonder how long it will take me before curiosity gets the best of me and I go creeping into Riku’s heart, looking for answers to dark questions that I simply do not have it in me to ask. “I think Aqua’s got it right though. What I wouldn’t give for a nap on the beach.”

“You used to want to get off the island so bad.” Kairi shakes her head, auburn hair brushing her perfect cheekbones.

“Yeah.” Riku’s mouth wrinkles into a frown. He looks at me, at Lea, barely strangers who used to be his enemies. At Aqua and Ventus, people he knows to trust but also would be safe to keep at an arm’s length. And then, he looks at Kairi and I understand the crack in his resolve. Surely a light like hers had no problem breaking me down either. Me, perhaps the least well adjusted of all of us. A small smile breaks Riku’s practiced stony gaze. “I was restless then. Willing to sacrifice everything I held dear to me for one great adventure. I’ve had more than I’ve needed in the past two years, more than anyone needs to. I think learning to relax should be my last great adventure.”

“So you’ll be just as useless as Sora?” Kairi laughs. “You two are so boring. Some of us haven’t gotten to see anything.” She chews her lips. Riku’s breath catches in his throat, he reaches out to Kairi at the same time I extend a hand to squeeze hers. His turquoise eyes flick to mine, something unreadable clouding his expression. “You guys are too much. It’s alright. Just because no one else is going on adventures, doesn’t mean I don’t have things planned. Maybe when Naminé gets out of here she’ll want to go on adventures with me.” Kairi pats her chest, laying a hand over her heart. “And you’ll come too, right, Rueki?” She looks to me with big, hopeful eyes, and even if I wanted to--which I don’t-- I couldn’t bring myself to disappoint her.

“Of course I’ll come with you on some. You’re my girl. But my first priority is a house in Twilight Town.” I say, curling my legs up and leaning forward. “Nothing huge, enough room for you to stay when you visit and probably Roxas too since how else is a sixteen year old kid gonna pay rent? Enough rooms for all of us.” My eyes find Lea, who smiles warmer than the sun on the Destiny Islands. “And lots of windows. I never wanna not see the sun again.”

I feel half stupid for voicing such a dream out loud, me the realist, me the scientist, me the cynic. In a life that has become anything but mundane, in a universe where peace seems like a fantasy, this beautiful, lightweight hope for my future reminds me of myself as a child, a little girl swearing to anyone who would listen that I would see every world out there. Anymore, I don’t think that’s too far off, but I wonder if everyone listening now thinks I am as foolish as I sounded back then. 

“You’ll have to keep more than one extra room for travelers. I think you’ve made too many friends to ever expect a moment where you’re not housing guests.” Riku’s voice floods me with a sense of certainty. Of everyone here, I think he is the most realistic, and perhaps the only one with the good sense not to bullshit me. 

“Ew. If that’s the case, I’ll need like...a seperate shed or something where I can get away from all of you.” I make a face. “Especially you.” I say, eyes flicking to Lea’s. He raises a narrow eyebrow, leaning closer to me, lips at my temple.

“And why is that, sweetheart?” He asks.

“Cuz I don’t want to watch you break my stuff while you’re ‘training’. I had to manage money for Del and Amaya because they were impulsive as all hell, I’m sure babysitting you will be an absolute treat.” I roll my eyes. He snickers and I think, that despite everything, this is a hell of a moment to be alive for.

We eat ice cream, we fantasize about days to come, and as we make a move to head out, Riku catches my wrist in his hand.

“Can we talk?” He asks.

“Yeah.” I reply. Lea meets me with an uneasy look, but I shrug him off with the wave of my hand. “Go warm my bed.” I snark. He rolls his eyes but leans down to kiss my nose.

“Anything for you, sweetheart.” And like that, he strides away, leaving Riku and I alone in the forest, hazy pink sun beaming off of both of us. Wind picks up my hair, he shoves his hands in his pockets, turning to gaze at the trees surrounding us. 

“Thank you, for bringing her with you.” It takes me a moment to realize he is talking to me, the silence that settles down between the two of us is thick, a mesh netting that I have to untwine my way out of. “All Sora and I ever wanted to do was keep her safe, but that’s not where she’s ever belonged.”

“You guys love her, it’s okay. Loving people usually clouds your judgement on what’s good for them versus what’s good for you.” And not only do I think of Lea and I, time and time again screwing each other over, but I think of Aqua’s words. Of the struggle between what is right and what is good.

“She’s coming a long way. She’s a lot stronger than I ever thought she’d be.” He confesses.

“She’s stubborn as all hell. And in case you missed it, she wants to be to one to protect you and Sora now, not the other way around.” I say. Riku bites back a little smile as his eyes finally find me. Lea is taller than him, but Riku intimidates me just a little bit more. There’s more than a foot difference between the two of us, and as I look up to him, I feel every single inch, each of them begging for his approval in ways I didn’t know I needed. And it isn’t necessarily that I need it. But I do care so much about his friends, if he could look at me and see an ally, if he could look at me and see a friend and not a former villain, I think the skies might part and allow sunlight to rain down on me.

“You’re a lot to handle.” Riku says.

“I am.” I don’t even bother to disagree, because a lot to handle is a gross and very well worded understatement about what I am.

“But you’re a good match for her. I’ve never seen her come to life like this, not around anyone.” Riku says.

“She’s good for me. I’m kind of the worst without her.” I confess.

“I know how that goes.” And truly, I think Riku might be the only one who really does.

“You keep your darkness at bay pretty well though.” And there are questions in my voice that I can only pray he picks up on.

“It takes a lot of practice.” He admits, biting his lips.

“I thought mine was going to kill me. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to forgive Lea, let alone look at him. I hated him so much.” I whisper, hoping against all odds that my lover is not lingering.

“It’s not your enemy.” Riku tries. “Your darkness is as much a part of you as your light. Pain goes hand in hand without pleasure, a life without one or the other is like food without taste. Shoulder it, accept it. By nature, growth is supposed to hurt, it’s okay that it does, it’s better that way, you don’t want to be stagnant.”

“But I don’t want to ever go back down that path.” And maybe he is right, maybe I’m meant to find comfort in the dark, but I would gladly carve any scraps of darkness from my still beating heart if it meant finding some sort of peace. “I know where that road leads.”

“You don’t need to choose to dive deeper into the darkness, Rueki. Not all twilit roads lead to nightfall.” He explains, though despite his youth, his words are wise beyond me. I’ve tasted darkness, gotten high off of its powers. I have savored the feeling of it coursing through my veins in ways that this boy with a perfectly intact heart could never imagine. “You got through it once. It sounds cliche, believe me, I wouldn’t believe anyone saying it if the roles were reversed, but you will always wander back to the road you’re meant to if you have the right light to guide you.”

And I think of Kairi’s brilliant smile, shining brighter than all of the stars in the sky. Of Roxas’ blue eyes glowing in the light of the setting sun. I think of Lea and how he blazes brightest of all. 

It sounds like such a load of horse shit.

What lurks inside of me is in need of not a treatment, but a cure.

“Besides, you won’t hurt any of us. You couldn’t possibly reach any of our weak spots.” Riku shrugs, so blithely, so nonchalant, I scarcely realize he is mocking my height. Well son of a bitch, the mocking, sarcastic little prick from Sora’s memories still lives on. I think of Kairi telling me Riku tried so hard to be something while Sora was so genuine, and I’ve no doubt that was the case, but I catch myself smiling at how himself Riku is. I didn’t even know him then, but I have no doubt that the growth he has seen knows no bounds.

“You’re a dick. When I go dark, I’m kidnapping Kairi just to spite you.” I snark back.

“I don’t even know where to begin with that...you realize she’ll be perfectly capable of kicking your ass soon enough, right?” He snickers.

“She’ll have to catch me first.” Is my counter.

“Well, even if she can’t, don’t pretend you’ll actually be a scary captor. You and I both know, you love her just as much as Sora and I do.”

And my heart flutters, my being swells with pride. Perhaps a twilit road to dawn cannot be the cure to every bit of horror in my heart, but maybe I can make enough of a hero out of myself that I will not need a cure.

\--

Lea’s got his coat half way off, his hair is an absolute mess of tragically matted spikes. He’s drenched in sweat and doesn’t meet my eyes as he lets the leather fall to the floor.

“Long day?” I ask, raising my arms above my head, hearing the click-pop of joints. A grunt spills from my lips, the nonexistent hem of my micro cropped hoodie rises impossibly higher, the pleats of my dress sway around my hips and Lea does not even offer a half interested gaze. Instead, he heaves an enormous sigh and slumps forward onto the dresser, with heavy elbows and a broken body. “Fuck.” I scramble forward, catching his torso in my arms, pulling him up just the slightest bit. “Who do I need to fight for you?”

“Everyone. My battles are on you now, Rueks. I’m too tired to move.” He grumbles. “I bequeath my Keyblade to you.”

“Are you just whining or are you actually needing my assistance on something?” I huff, yanking with all of my might, to urge him back to his feet. And stand tall he does, but not without mewling pathetically. 

“I’m probably going to die.” He announces dramatically, shouldering his way past me and to our bed, which he flops down on with another heavy sigh.

“You’re a big fucking baby.” I roll my eyes. “Curaga.” And despite the fact that I know he’s doing better, that he knows I know he’s doing better, Lea groans, making a face. “Well, whoever needs to remember Axel won’t have any issues.” 

“And why’s that, sweetheart?” He offers me a half interested look as I make my way over to him, crouching down to unzip his boots. He jolts up, eyes finding mine and I make a face that very clearly warns him not to look a gift horse in the mouth. 

“Because Axel likes to play dead a hell of a lot. Why do you think I keep coming back to you? I know you need my thick thighs to save your life. I feel too guilty leaving you on your own.” I say, tugging one of his boots off and beginning to work at the other. 

“Since when do I play dead?” He scoffs.

“Um, Castle Oblivion, data Twilight Town, Betwixt and Between.” I remind him.

“I did die that last time.” He rolls his eyes as I yank his other boot down. 

“Yeah, but you’re alive now, so clearly you weren’t committed enough.” I come up, onto my knees, hands finding the buckle of his pants. Now, I watch his Adam’s apple bob, watch his shoulders shift, and although not my intention, I do savor in the feeling of victory.

“Maybe your thighs got thicker. Kept me safer.” He shrugs, eyes flicking purposefully away from me and toward the ceiling.

“Ha!” I bark, harshly, sliding the zipper of his pants down. “Maybe you’re just getting thirstier.”

“How can I not, with a girl like you stripping me down?” He says, trying and failing to bite back a smirk. For good nature, I lean forward with big, come hither eyes, pursing my lips into the most perfect dick sucking pout. Lea literally flinches beneath me as I drag my mouth down his abdomen, from his ribs, all the way to his belly button. When finally my mouth finds purchase just aboves his hips, I push my mouth down and blow a raspberry onto his stomach. “Very nice, Rueks.” 

“You were ‘dying’ five seconds ago. You’re such a baby.” Placing my hands on either side of his abdomen, I climb off the floor and cross my arms to my chest. Admittedly, he is incredibly sexy, even--especially--dripping in sweat. “And totally a one trick pony. Stop playing dead, or I’m kicking your ass.”

“Really now? One trick? Take off that dress of yours and I’ll show you a whole lot more than one trick.” He leers, but doesn’t even bother to prop himself up onto his elbows.

“Mmm, I have a better idea, one second.” A mischievous thought flutters into my mind as I make my way back to our dresser. In the reflection of the mirror, I see Lea’s eyes light up blazing with curiosity. 

“Handcuffs?” He asks. I’m torn between taunting him and asking him when the hell he thinks I snuck away to procure sex toys, but I decide on the former and keep the prospect of Lea tethered to the headboard of our bed, too tight pants around his ankles, my name spilling from his lips, on the backburner. 

“Close.” I grin, snatching an item off the dresser with quick hands before tucking it behind my back, linking my arms ever so innocently with it. With lazy, languid strides, I make my way over, delighting in how Lea’s eyes follow my every movement. Tucking the object into the sleeve of my hoodie, I climb onto the bed, straddling his hips. Biting my lower lip, I unhook my belt and cast it aside.

“Now there’s a start.” And he’s nervous, I can tell, which is just do delightfully not like him. It is, however, undeniably fun. 

“Close your eyes.” I lean forward, brushing the rise of my breasts against his bare chest. And so dutifully, he obliges. My lips find the crook of his neck, placing a warm, wet kiss against his overheated skin. A groan reverberates from his throat, and I almost feel dirty pulling away from him.

Almost.

Sliding the eyeliner out of my sleeve, I uncap it and drag the felt tip just below his eyes. He leaps ever so slightly at the cold ink against his skin, but my mission is easy and so very fast. Before he even makes a move to protest, I have completed what I sought out to and am grinning from ear to ear. Lea’s eyes flutter open. I snatch my phone off of the nightstand, doing what I consider an impressive backbend so that I can open the camera and snap a picture. Lea heaves a gigantic sigh, hoisting himself up on his elbows. I laugh, tumbling forward just in time for him to catch me at the edge of his knees. My legs hook around his waist, he scoops me in tight, looking to where I have the photo gallery of my phone tilted toward him to reveal a picture of his perfect face with upside down teardrops drawn beneath his eyes.

“Fucking seriously, Rueks?” But there’s no malice in his voice, instead he is trying very hard and failing epically at suppressing laughter. 

“I’ll send it to you. That way if you run into anyone you think might need help remembering you, you can show them this picture and ask ‘have you seen this smarmy douche’?” I stick my tongue out and he snorts.

“Well look at the manners on you. No one’s going to think you’re a monster of a girlfriend or anything.” He rolls his eyes.

“Well they should, then they’d know the truth.” And I’m smiling so big, my stupid face hurts. I cannot control my excitement or the giggles that spill from my lips. I search my brain, trying to find a memory of another time I was so completely delirious and nothing comes to mind, nothing in my entire life. Lea squeezes my ass, kisses my forehead and shifts us so that I am just pressed, through the fabric of my panties, against the open zipper of his pants. My breath catches in my throat and this time he cackles.

“You know who the first person to put these marks on my face was?” He asks.

“Your fucking boyfriend?” I raise an eyebrow, and despite the once very lighthearted feeling that coursed through me, I’m now chomping the inside of my cheek to shreds.

“Yep, go figure but once upon a time I wasn’t so stoic.” He says, tapping my temple. “Got so worked up over not being able to save someone, couldn’t remember who though. I blocked this little brat of a girl out of my head, couldn’t live with the guilt.”

“Well, this has become sufficiently grim.” I mutter, but Lea catches me a little tighter, keeping me properly anchored.

“Can you let someone else tell a story for five seconds?” He asks. I huff, fixing my lips into a pout.

“No.” I reply, but he continues anyway. Dick.

“Well, then said little brat of a girl came back into my life about a decade later. Grew up, got really hot, sucked my dick. We both had hearts the whole time, but there was a time when I thought we didn’t have them, and then I died and came back with a heart...even though I already had one. It was a whole thing, a hell of a lot to get memorized, I’ll spare you the details.” He assures me.

“What a gentleman.” I nod. 

“Oh, I try.” He grins. “See, those marks got drawn onto my face when I was just some miserable, broken, guilty kid. I needed something to stop me from crying and that was Isa’s solution. But I have my heart. I have you. I’m going to save him, I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you. We’re going to get Roxas back and spend every evening watching the sunset eating ice cream. I’m going to wake you up every single morning with my lips on your head and my hand between your legs. We’re gonna get a happy ending. So, the thing is, I don’t need those marks anymore. I’ve got you. I’ve got a Keyblade. I’ve got new friends and I’ve got the single strongest, smartest person I know at my side helping me in one way or another to bring my old friends back.” He kisses the top of my head. “Nothing to cry about now.”

The sweetness of his words envelops me and I lean in, twisting my fingers through his very disheveled hair. 

“You’re such a fucking sap.” I whisper.

“Yeah, yeah. Love you too, Rueks.”


	23. Chapter 23

XXIII.

Kairi’s leaning on her propped up Keyblade when Aqua and I approach the arena. Lea wipes sweat off of his forehead and leans back into the stadium seat he rests in, but there is no rest for Kairi. WIth hungry eyes, she watches Riku and Ventus lock blades. 

“You under a spell?” I ask her. “Can we fix that?” I ask Aqua who stifles a laugh. 

“Out of my realm of abilities.” She confesses with the wave of her hand.

“I’m not under a spell, I’m just trying to learn.” Kairi grumbles, pressing her lips into a pout.

“Mmm.” I reply, turning the sound on my phone on as I take a picture of her ass from this angle. Her face goes red as she whips around with wide eyes.

“What are you doing?” She asks.

“Reminding Sora that he’s missing a hell of a view.” 

“Rueki!” She shrieks making a move to nab my phone, which I allow her, easily. With a huff she looks me over like this is some great trick.

“Come on, I’m not that bad of a friend.” A bitch whose judgement and priorities are a little fucked now that Lea and I are good, but not a complete trash friend. She quickly deletes the photo and then hands my phone back to me. I shove it into the pocket in my belt.

“You’re my best friend.” She smiles ever so slightly. “Let’s spar, you and I. We haven’t gotten to since Radiant Garden, I wanna see how much I’ve improved.”

“You mind?” I ask Lea who shakes his head.

“This is one time I don’t mind third wheeling to you two.” He sighs, slumping forward.

“And we’re done?” I ask Aqua who delights in taking the seat beside Lea.

“You’re off the clock. Just please try not to hurt Ventus with any stray lightning spells.” As fair a request as I’ve ever heard. I grin at Kairi, she grins back, excitement rivaling mine. 

“Loser buys ice cream for a month after the war is over.” I tell her. She giggles.

“Oh, no way. I win and you and Axel need to stop making obnoxious allusions to your sex lives.” She says.

“That’s about as likely as me telling you if I win, you need to grow a set and ask Sora out.” I laugh. She huffs, but with the wave of my hand, I conjure another battlefield, a twin beside Riku and Ventus’. Riku looks up, Ven lands a hit that knocks him to the ground and Kairi laughs. 

“Stop slacking, Riku!” She teases.

“Hurt her please, but just a little bit.” Riku huffs to me.

“A little bit?” I ask.

“Yeah, like pinch her or something.” He nods and I burst into hysterics. This is the moment Kairi decides it is totally appropriate to swat me with her Keyblade with one hand and set the other on her hip.

“Stop laughing, chicken.” She says.

“Oh, kiddo, if you wanna call me names, you’re going to have to do a lot better than that.” But we make our way onto the new battlefield, me rolling my shoulders back, her hopping from one foot to another. I summon La Luxure with the flick of my wrists, Kairi grins. She knows me well enough to know what to expect from me, but she is novice enough, I expect her to fall for my trick when I feign a first step. Instead, she just takes a step back, refusing to meeting my need for close range combat. She’s smartening up, this one. 

But too bad for her, so am I.

“Magnega!” I cry out, and against her will, despite her struggles, she is yanked in, hard, fast, with a force that tears the breath out of her.

“Aggh!” She cries out, as I pull my Knuckles back and slam one into her. She’s quick, but not as quick as me. She whips her Keyblade up to block my attack, but misses within just a fraction of a second.

Yelping as she falls back, she at least recovers quickly enough to roll away from my next blow. With a grunt, she leaps back to her feet, draws her Keyblade back and swings it at me like a baseball bat. I jump high, landing atop her blade, but she’s seen this move before, drops her Key and bolts back. The impact of me hitting the ground makes me twitch, and that is only enhanced when she calls her Keyblade back to her and my feet are knocked out from underneath me. 

“Shit.” I curse. And Kairi knows me well, she knows exactly how to get the upper hand and she doesn’t waste a second searching for it. With her Keyblade high above her head, she charges forward and smashes it onto me. And there’s nowhere to go, no quick Reflect spell on my lips. Instead, I bring my arms over my head, the guards I wore on my forearms still safely beneath the sleeves of my hoodie. Kairi’s hit sends me skidding, choking on my own breath. She’s gotten stronger, a lot stronger. My eyes fly to her turned ankle and I make a face.

Swiftly darting my foot out, I knock Kairi’s feet out from underneath her and throw myself down onto her, hovering above her Knuckles drawn back, poised for attack.

“Watch your footing.” I warn her.

“Careful who you underestimate. Pearl!” A beam of pure white light bursts from her hands, and I go sailing through the air. The arena goes flashing before my eyes, and though I brace myself, nothing prepares me for the breathtaking impact. 

My back spasms, my body lurches, a groan spills from my lips as I struggle for breath. 

“That was fucking good.” I grunt. But as I peel myself from the earth, I watch the rise and fall of her shoulders, I watch Kairi struggle for air, one hand on her knees the other gripping her Keyblade like a vice. “Curaga.” I feel the relief of my spell wash over my body. Kairi fumbles for a potion in the pocket of her dress, and despite the fact that I love her, despite the fact that I will personally skin anyone who dares lay a finger on her, despite how proud I am of her progress, I take one look at her and know I have won.

At a lightning speed, I close the distance between the two of us, knock her feet out from underneath her and slam her into the ground. She cries out, stricken enough where I'm able to twist her, lock her arms behind her and put my knee into her back. She whines, trying limply to kick me off of her, but her spell has her so thoroughly spent, she scarcely shifts me. I press further into her, she whimpers.

“My thunder spell is stronger than you can handle, let's not get to that point.” I suggest. She makes a small, noncommittal noise beneath me. “If you're gonna use an attack like that, you better make sure your opponent isn't gonna get back up, kiddo.” I warn her, climbing off of her back and helping her to her feet.

“You have a lot of experience with that?” She grumbles, dusting herself off. I dig into the pouch attached to my belt and extend a Potion to her. “Thanks.” She takes it from my hands and guzzles, I just shrug.

“Of course. There's something called a Hero Drink that I've synthesized before. Makes for hella explosive power, but you've gotta utilize the shit out of that power. Cuz it's gonna drain every ounce of you.” I explain. She winces.

“Yeah. I feel that.” She rubs her back. “I hit so much harder though!” She grins.

“Um that's undeniable. You kicked ass girl.” I say and she slaps me high five.

“Thanks. I wish Sora could've seen. I can't wait until he knows that I'm ready to be the one protecting him now.” And she glows as she says his name. She shimmers in the hazy sunlight and of course I want to do anything in my power to make this princess’s life even more magical. 

“Gimme a sec.” I am almost certain this will work, for the strides I've made with accessing Roxas’ memories, Sora's, Kairi's, Ven’s, I think nothing is off limits at this point but I am a little shocked at the simple ease of my efforts. Sora's heart opens up, a window into mine as I pour memories of Kairi swinging her Keyblade, Kairi casting brilliant spells. Kairi twirling and laughing and taking selfies in her new dress, Kairi enjoying ice cream. A warmth fills me that even if I lived a thousand lifetimes, I would never have words to describe. This love is engulfed in such purity it could bring me to my knees. “Shit, dude he loves you. Feel.” And I reach out grasping for her shoulders. The second we make contact, she gasps, Sora's emotions transferring like a medium straight through me, the tunnel sufficiently cleared. As my hands fall away, Kairi trembles, touching her lips, her cheeks, her hair, anything to displace the bliss flowing through her. She brushes back a tear and I grab her hand.

“No, no. It's good. Really Rueki, it's fine!” She assures me.

And she doesn't stop smiling the rest of the night.

\--

“Xehanort, his younger self. Isa.” Aqua reads, eyes flicking through a notebook

“Dibs.” I announce. She looks up, Kairi chews her lip and looks between Lea and I.

“No, she’s right, she’s got dibs.” Lea agrees. “Whatever else happens, Rueki gets to take down Isa.” And though it pains him, I can see in his eyes the acceptance of the light at the end of the tunnel. Isa will be recompleted and taste my blade all in one go.

“Alright.” Aqua nods, uncomfortably, scribbling down a note.

“Xemnas, Marluxia.” She reads and I look at the group.

“I wouldn’t mind smacking Xemnas in the face with my Keyblade.” Kairi pipes up.

“I don’t think anyone would.” Riku mutters.

“He put out the order to keep me in a cell. That was a dick move. He sent you and Sora to the realm of darkness. Maybe he needs a woman’s touch to get his head out of his ass.” Kairi suggests. Riku sighs.

“Kai, language.” He mumbles.

“Fuck yea, dude.” I tell Kairi, high fiving her. “But if Roxas makes it back beforehand, we get dibs on killing Xemnas, we’ve had that shit planned for years.” 

“You planned an assassination with one of your best friends?” Ventus asks.

“Honestly, kidnapping and murder are the fodder for mine and Lea’s pillowtalk. Did you really expect my conversation with friends to be much different?” I raise an eyebrow. “Besides, they’re not really even going to be murdered, they’re all gonna be recompleted.” And perhaps this is why I am so unbothered. No more will the images of people in trenchcoats fading into darkness cause me strife, thanks to Ienzo. The elation he expressed over regaining humanity has absolved me of guilt. Little by little, nightmares begin to fade away. The twilit road to dawn. These are just fights I need to make it out alive from, and better me than any of the ones I love, darting into the line of fire.

“Ahem.” Aqua clears her throat. “I’ll write ‘Kairi, Rueki and Roxas’ with a question mark. Anyhow, Larxene.”

“Oh, dibs for sure.” I pipe up. “You want in?” I raise an eyebrow at Lea.

“Not in the slightest. You can like em’ crazy all you want, sweetheart. Oblivion was enough time spent with Larxene to last me at least a century.” Lea shakes his head.

“Everyone says we fight alike, I wanna see. Plus she’s super hot.” I say.

“And as delightful as it’ll be to see you maybe a little bit on top of her, I’m gonna pass. Isa is top priority.” Lea tells me.

“Alright, Rueki for Larxene too.” Aqua makes a face and chews her lip. “Unfortunately I think we need to accept the fact that Terra will probably be on their side when the battle begins. He belongs to Ventus and I. If anyone can pull him from the darkness, it’ll be us.” Aqua says.

“And Vanitas is on the list too.” Ventus mutters, voice more gravely than I’ve ever heard. For a moment, he reminds me of Roxas, hellbent on revenge, desperate to shove oppression back into all of the faces that claim to be his superior.

I miss him so profusely.

“Yes.” Aqua agrees, the same raging storm in her eyes that I recall from our conversation about Xigbar. “He’s ours.” She snarls.

“Yes.” Ventus agrees, though with more pep in his tone. 

“Ansem’s on the list too. He had a hold of me for too long. It’s only right that I get to be the one to finish him, once and for all.” Riku nods, hand tucked under his chin pensively. Kairi’s hand on his shoulder breaks through to him.

“But you’re better than that now. You’re so much stronger than Ansem.” She says.

“And if I’m weak, you’ll be there to kick me into shape, right?” He asks, though it seems more for her sake than his. Riku has wrestled his demons and sufficiently keeps them on a leash, and needs no princess to guide his way. But he is wise enough not to turn his friend away. 

“Right, it’s a promise.” She nods.

“Well then, the only one we have left for sure is Xigbar.” Aqua says, making a face, though she is clearly not so determined to end him as she is Vanitas.

“Oh, dibs. Super dibs. Like, the most dibs.” I declare and Riku heaves a sigh.

“Rueki, you can’t fight everyone.” He reminds me.

“What if I wanna pummel your boyfriend around a little?” Lea teases me.

“It’d be fair, since I’m going to…” Oh how do I find the words? “Politely put an end to your boyfriend’s existence, per our agreement so that you might become friends with him in the future. But like, I still wanna punch the rat bastard a couple times for the whole banging my mom, trying to convince her that he was my dad and then trying to bang me when he discovered that he wasn’t ,thing.”

Silence, and then Riku.

“Has anyone ever told you that your life is pretty reasonably fucked up?”

Once again with the well calculated understatements.

\--

“Dude, he can’t die!” I snap.

“Listen, all I’m saying is this whole Yozora finally returning the feelings of his childhood friend who has loved him since the beginning, puts a bit too nice of a bow on things.” Lea insists.

“He’s the main character, they’re not gonna kill him. What’s gonna happen? Magia and Aegis are going to defeat the Bahamut by themselves? Fat fucking chance. Your hp can literally be at one, and Magia still is gonna cast thunder instead of curing you. Like, why would anyone leave the fate the world to those two dumb dumbs?” I ask.

“Stop blaming Magia because you have his magic set to offensive instead of defensive, and you constantly forget to cure yourself.” Lea teases.

“I’m busy saving the world, I don’t have time to cure myself.” I counter. Lea snorts.

“That applicable to real life too, sweetheart?” Lea grins, but I do not falter. Instead, I elbow him.

“Hundred percent.” I nod. “Look, I don’t think Yozora is going to die. I think his dad’s going to, and Yozora is going to have this profound moment where he’s like ‘oh man, how do I become half the king you were?’ And on his deathbed, his dad will be like ‘my son, you already are twice the king I have been’.” I say, with the dramatic wave of my hand.

“So you think we’re getting the easy way out?” Lea laughs.

“It’s not the easy way out.” I argue.

“Sweetheart, the sooner you accept that Yozora is going to sacrifice himself for the girl he loves, the sooner you can cope with how upset the ending is going to make you.” Lea shakes his head

“Come on, the hero sacrificing himself for his girlfriend trope is so cringey. We deserve better.” I say. Lea just throws his head back laughing. I tap a finger to his nose, wiping the pink goop back onto his neck.

“Hey!” He protests.

“Let’s wash these off. I’m sure your skin is sufficiently glowing. Fucking gorgeous bastard.” I mutter. In one dramatic swoop, Lea scoops me into his arms, throwing me over his shoulder. I yelp, my phone clattering down onto the nightstand as he leads me into the bathroom.

Downtime is few and far between with training. But Ventus found an app for his phone, a game called Verum Rex that he has sufficiently become obsessed with playing pretty much every chance he gets, and after playing almost all the way through with Lea, I cannot say that either of us blame him. Instead, between screaming at the game whenever I die--which is often, because according to Lea ‘relentless button mashing isn’t a strategy’-- and concocting theories for the end of the game, Lea and I have spent the bulk of our evening playing video games. And wearing fancy face masks that Kairi begged Merlin for, because something about the cooler climate is messing with her skin, I don’t really know the logistics. But the cool, pink jelly Lea and I plastered across our faces, sporadically, has been nothing short of a luxurious experience. There are parts of Lea that I catch myself falling deeper and deeper in love with. His willingness to do pretty much anything I suggest, no matter how goofy or girly, his confidence in his own masculinity, his passion, the fact that he is equal parts speculative nerd and devious badass. Facets of him open up and shine down on me in ways I didn’t realize they could. This has been the most delicious glimpse into our future that I could’ve possibly hoped for. It is so easy to relax into the daydream of Lea and I, in our not too big home, sitting in a sunroom, legs twined around each others while I lean into him and make snide comments about how boring his gameplay is because he always ‘waits for the perfect moment to strike’ and ‘guards against attacks’. 

My heart shines so brightly.

And so do our faces. I turn to Lea, who is glowing like the setting sun as we wash our masks off. I groan.

“Why are you so much prettier than me?” I ask.

“Because I brush my hair.” He replies.. 

“Hey, when we’re done fighting a war, I promise I will spend all the time in the world on my hair.” I say, with heavy emphasis on ‘fighting a war’ because fuck him and his gorgeous, glistening face.

“No you won’t, but I’m sure Kairi will be over often enough to braid it for you.” Lea says, with the wave of his hand.

“All these fucking teenager we adopted, man.” I shake my head.

“Hey, at least we’re not alone. I was talking to Aqua the other day. Terra’s like the same age as her, Ven’s younger than both of them” Lea informs me.

“Oh, hey, at least we’re not the only grown ups babysitting a blond haired, blue eyed Keyblade wielder.” I shrug.

“Exactly.” And at that, we high five, retreating from the bathroom, only to be greeted by Merlin, standing in the middle of our room, too oblivious to have the intelligence to knock, too entitled to offer courtesy. I swear to fuck, I understand Cid’s irritation with a high and mighty wizard who feels a great need to just assert his presence wherever he sees fit.

“Ahh, yes, Rueki.” He says.

“Mmm.” Is my tight lipped reply. And hell, the door to mine and Lea’s house is always going to be locked. Anyone we like can have a key, but like hell am I inviting unwanted intrusions on otherwise peaceful and beautiful moments between myself and the man I love.

“Ienzo has sent word, the technology that will allow you access to Roxas and Sora’s hearts, their memories, their ‘Stations of Awakening’, are ready for you.” Merlin says.

“Oh.” I is my response, and I feel as though I have been sufficiently gutted. Time is endless here, time is impossible, and yet, time somehow always manages to escape me around Lea. It darts through my fingers, and I feel like a child, watching the bathtub drain, trying and failing to catch tiny whirlpools in my hands.

“Of course, it is late here, I would not expect you to leave until morning. Nonetheless, I would encourage you to pack your bags and see me as soon as you wake.”

Merlin leaves, I turn to Lea with huge, broken eyes. With a breathless, hollow expression, he sits down upon the bed and I leap onto him, into his lap, legs like a vice around his waist, needing everything he is with every ounce of who I am. His lips mash onto mine, sliding hot, wet and plush, delicious beyond what I can comprehend. He tastes smokey, he tastes of cinnamon, he tastes of dreams and I try to map out every square inch of his mouth with my own. My tongue slips into his mouth, he swipes the inside of my cheek with his tongue, I trace each of his teeth, he tugs my lower lip between his teeth. He pulls me in, begs more, more, more.

I am drunk on him, inebriated within seconds, but this taste is not enough and will never be enough to get my fix of him.

Long, thick fingers twine around my hair and I groan, my kiss vibrating into him.

“I need you, I love you.” Lea breathes against me. Don’t let me leave, I scream, internally, but I shove my fears aside with all of my might, by slicking my tongue across his. I cannot possibly slide down the zipper of his coat fast enough, but with clumsy, overlapping movements, I yank the zipper and struggle to tug the garment off of him. He helps me, shifting his slim hips, shimmying the jacket the rest of the way off and to the floor. It pools at his feet, but it isn’t nearly enough to satisfy me. Not when I know how much there is to savor beneath his clothes. The feeling of my bare hands brushing his bare chest is sensual, tempting even. His fingers move from my hair, down to the hem of my tiny hoodie, and without hesitation, he pulls it over my head, shoulders rolling as a moan in desperation spills from my lips.

There’s so much of him, there’s all of him, no matter how much I touch, taste, kiss, savor, I will never be able to perfectly relay these memories for however long--too long, far too long--that we are apart. My brain is flawed and human and he is nothing shy of a deity. An idea springs into my mind as I feel his half hard cock press into me. My hands fumble, searching for my phone at the edge of the bed.

“Rueks, what are you--”

“I wanna have it memorized.” I whisper, pulling up my camera, snapping a picture of his face, emerald eyes wide with shock, saliva slickened mouth glossy and parted. “Can I?” My voice is a timid whisper, but the groan that hums from the base of his throat is more than reassuring.

“If I can return the favor.” His voice is deep and husky. As a response, I snatch his phone in my other hand, hand it to him and as the device sits in his palm, I slide the zipper of my dress half way down. “Fuck.” He grunts, snapping a picture of my freshly exposed tits, rosy nipples firm and perky. “Can’t wait to stroke my cock and look at this.”

“Let’s give you more to work with then.” I say, in a low voice, climbing off his lap and onto the floor. With eager hands, I begin to unbuckle his pants, and he is all too willing, twitching his hips so that I may tug his skintight jeans down his delightfully slender hips. I pull his boxers with his jeans and nearly sigh in relief as his cock springs free, hitting his perfectly tight stomach. “I’m going to miss how this feels.” I breathe, trailing a gentle finger along the vein at the underside of his shaft. He’s so thick, so sexy and all I want to do is to climb back onto his lap, push my damp panties aside and sink down onto him. But this isn’t just shorthanded pleasure, this is for the long game. Pulling back, I snap a photo of his rock hard dick.

“Thirsty for me, Rueks?” He chuckles.

“Funny, everyone in the old Organization seemed to think I was an easy lay, but the only one who has me soaked down to my thighs is you, Lea. Axel.” I don’t know which name makes his hips buck harder, but I have to repress a shiver of delight at the movement. “Maybe you should touch yourself.” I suggest and he snickers.

“Does my girl wanna watch me touch my cock?” He taunts. I lean back, capturing his taut forearms, his huge hands, his lust flushed face as he drags his hand from the base to the tip of his cock, shamelessly.

“You know I do, baby.” I whimper, perfectly wanton thanks to him.

“Wanna watch me get worked up, just for you, moaning your name? Fuck, Rueki.” He throws his head back, and he is the object of my dizziest of fantasies. I roll my shoulders back, fighting the urge to slip a finger into my cunt at the sight. I snap another photo. “Don’t make me beg for it, Rueks, I wanna feel that mouth wrap around my cock, wanna see the ring of your lipstick.” He pleads.

“Then get your camera ready to film.” And I grasp his hips in my hands and slam my mouth down onto him, cramming as much of his cock into me as possible. He groans, crying out, fisting my hair with one hand. I watch him struggle with his phone, trying to figure out the camera in his delirious state. A red light flicks to life, and I bat my lashes up at the camera lense. “I love the taste of your dick, Lea.” I sigh, drawing away from his erection, saliva trailing in tendrils in my wake. 

“Dammit, Rueks.” He cries, slamming himself into the back of my throat. I struggle, but lift my soft palate, allowing him further access to my throat. Despite my hands on his hips, he hammers away, working himself against the soft heat of my mouth. “You look so fucking perfect, those lips were made for sucking cock.” He moans, so depraved, that I am forced to clench my thighs together in an attempt find some relief.

And I taste every bit of him that I can, flourishing for the camera. I bob against his length, swallowing, gagging around him, savoring every sigh, every moan, every incantation of my name. My tongue drags along, circling the base of his erection, up the thick vein, along the ridges of the head, across his slit, which weeps with precum at my tongue’s ministrations. The skin of his shaft is velvet smooth across my lips, I grasp the base of his cock, grip encompassingly tight. 

“Dammit, Rueks, I’m not gonna last with you like this.” He sputtes.

“That’s the point baby, I wanna taste your cum.” My eyes flick back up to the camera as I pull my mouth away, though my hand never leaves his erection, tugging and teasing his length with each stroke. His hips twitch violently as though begging for more of me and everything I can offer and I am all too happy to oblige.

I dive back down, licking around his head, tracing it, committing every bit of it to memory. He jerks, head flicking against the roof of my mouth as I descend further, eyes finding his. Lipstick smears around my mouth, saliva trickles down my chin, his word become a jumbled mess of curses and my name. A stray hand weaves through my hair as he sings my praises.

“Dammit, look at you.” 

I swallow hard around his cock, mouth creating a perfect vacuum as he twitches and sputters into his orgasm, cum hitting the back of my throat in hot bursts. As I swallow, he vibrates beneath me, riding the high, my mouth never leaving on his way down. 

“Fucking...shit. Fuck. Rueki.” The red light of recording flicks out and he sets his phone aside, on the dresser, shoulders and chest flushed and heaving. Oh, how I have enjoyed devouring him. “Fuck...Fuck.” He chuckles as I wipe my chin and climb to my feet, mouth finding his, hot and needy. He moans as I kiss him, taking my face into his hands. Tender thumbs brush across my cheekbones, I slide the zipper of my dress the rest of the way down, letting the red fabric puddle on the floor. With the shift of my hips and the wiggling of my thumbs, I work my panties down the creamy skin of my thighs, which Lea grasps eagerly. As he breaks the kiss, he snatches his phone back up, flips us around and comes to a stand, towering over me. He brushes my peaked nipples with his too hot skin and I whine, involuntarily. “You gonna spread yourself out on the bed, beautiful, or am I gonna have to make you?” 

“As if you could.” I grin, but lean back, thighs perfectly parted.

“Fucking beautiful.” He groans, and despite the fact that I am leaning back on the bed, my stomach curling in on itself, he seems to think I look delectable enough to savor, he snaps a picture of me, too small breasts, soft body, sloppy hair and all. Shifting a little closer, he tweaks my nipple and I meet him in time, teasing my other breast. He takes a quick photo, groaning under his breath. Hot hands trace my abdomen, down my hips, to my pussy, which he parts with his index and middle finger, and photographs. The flickering of his breath, the whimpering note in his moan and the cloudy lust in his eyes make me wish I had my camera ready. His face alone could make me come. “Start filming, Rueks.” And before I can even steady my camera, he dips down, soft tongue brushing my clit. My hips spasm, I convulse, shoving my pussy further into his hot lips. And he is living for every bit of this, rocking his head back and forth along the flushed folds of my cunt. 

A moan spills from his lips, shaking me further than my core, impossibly deep, radiating straight down into my bones. My thighs tighten, clenching around his spiky head, and oh, how thankful I am to capture this on camera. Just when I thought there was no possible way for him to be sexier, just when I thought my arousal could run no deeper.

A sudden bursts of wet heat sends tremors up my legs as he sucks my clit between his lips

“Mmm, shit, Lea.” I mewl against his touch, shoulder blades coming together, back arching, body begging. But he seems to delight in this, tracing a hot, wet tongue in circles around my needy, overheated clit. His tongue provides just the tiniest amount of friction, bumping, brushing at the tight bundle of nerves, begging my body to come undone.

A finger slips into me, I groan, fingers groping at his thick hair.

“Baby, please!” My hips flicker, nearly bouncing against his mouth, desperate for a release. The pleasure has me rolling my eyes back, tightening too hot, too tight in the base of my stomach. Each lap of his tongue tightens the coil, curling my toes impossibly, pushing every ounce of me to the peak of a precipice, where I balance, delighting to tip in every which direction. “Lea, Lea, Lea.” His name is a mantra that spills from lips as he curls a finger against the most achingly sensitive spot inside of me. My eyes fly open, my entire world goes white, blood pounds like a drum in my temples as my release seizes me, shaking me down to the core of my being. 

And thankfully, despite being engulfed in pleasure, despite being lost in everything Lea is giving me, I have caught all of this on camera. I waste no time in saving the video, just as he wastes no time in flipping me onto my stomach. I yelp, a high pitched noise as I press my very sensitive groin into the edge of the bed. Oh, what I wouldn’t do to feel his--

“Fuck.” I gasp, feeling his erection, hot and throbbing as it brushes the wet lips of my pussy. 

“Beg for me, sweetheart.” He grasps my ass roughly in his palm, yanks his hand back and smacks my ass. I hear the sound of a picture snapping, I sigh.

“Lea, baby, I need you to fuck me.” I scream. “I wanna feel you throb inside of me. I need to feel your touch burn on my skin for the rest of my life.”

“Dammit, Rueki, way to overachieve.” And he snaps his hips into mine, cock pushing past my folds, deep into the wet heat of my cunt. My back dips, my hips shift as I work myself onto him, taking every inch that he will give me. More, more, more. 

And he wants this so bad, he hammers into me, pounds into my, unrelenting in his movements. I am an animal, depraved and mindless, my only coherent thought being another release. I press myself back down onto him, meeting his thrusts with a force of my own, as I turn into a mess of moans and cries. One of Lea’s hands gropes my ass, snakes around to tease my clit, walks up to my breasts. He is the human epitome of greed, grasping at as much of me as he can. My muscles uncurl, I find my way back to the edge, effortlessly as Lea pumps into me, thick cock stretching me open. Close, so close, almost--

His balls swing froward, brushing my clit and I spill over the edge, screaming his name.

“Hell, fuck, Rueki. Right behind you babe.” And with a few more thrusts he tips as well, coming with a cry inside of me. 

We collapse into a mess of each other, limbs tangled, bodies too hot and slickened with sweat. Lea kisses my shoulder, draws my hand up, kisses every single one of my fingers, my palm.

“Wanna go again?” 

\--

Lea’s forehead is warm as I lean in to kiss it. He shifts in bed, humming in delight as he turns back over and into his pillow. I think I can physically feel my heart shattering.

This is harder, much harder than any time I have ever walked away from him. With the flick of my wrist, my lipstick writes across the mirror

‘Until next time, I’ll keep you memorized

-Xoxo, Rueks’

My palm curls around my suitcase. My eyes do no leave his sleeping form until I close the door behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> L is obviously Lea, R is Rueki, and anything unmarked works for both
> 
> 1\. Lights -Ellie Goulding (R)  
> 2\. Pompeii- Bastille (R)  
> 3\. Little House - The Fray (R)  
> 4\. Bent- Matchbox 20 (R)  
> 5\. Skinny Love- Bon Iver (L)  
> 6\. The Flame- Cheap Trick (L)  
> 7\. The Scientist- Corinne Bailey Rae (R)   
> 8\. Pieces- Red  
> 9\. Underneath Your Clothes- Shakira (R)   
> 10\. Face My Fears - Utada Hikaru and Skrillex


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We back!

XXIV. 

I arrive in Radiant Garden with shaky legs and a light head.

Light magic is absolute divine, so unexhausting, but I cannot shake the dizzy feeling that accompanies traveling through it. Blinking back spots, I run a hand through my hair, breathing in the crisp air. A pleasant smelling smoke hangs lightly on the breeze and I have a strong feeling that Aerith is cooking something. The smallest of grins flicks onto my lips as my legs take me, without having to think, to my childhood home and sure enough, when I open the door, I am met by the sound of Aerith humming quietly in the background of Cid and Ienzo’s conversation.

“I had a feeling you’d make this your first stop.” Ienzo smiles knowingly. A spark lights inside me, warming me deeply as I pull up a chair at the dinner table. This really does feel like home, it's as though Cid and I never missed a beat.

“You guessed right.” I nod.

“So, what’s the general consensus, kiddo? The old wizard break you?” Cid asks, and I roll my eyes so hard, the ground beneath me might quake. 

“I would happily shove his beard into his mouth if I thought it might shut him the fuck up.” I groan, leaning with heavy elbows into the table. Cid barks out a laugh, throwing his head back. 

“Still some hope for you left. I magic hasn't broken your damn brain. I was worried, you know, with the whole spending twelve years apart thing.” Cid cackles.

“Speaking of which, how long was I gone on your timeline?” I ask.

“About a month. Nothing too extreme. Sora is just about finished with his travels. I’m not sure how much Master Yen Sid informed you of, but we’ve uncovered a large amount of Ansem the Wise’s research. Your inclination toward Sora’s heart might help us sort the memories that don’t belong to him out of his own heart and into the proper one.” Ienzo explains.

“Right, he kinda said as much. Did he tell you the other mysterious heart inside of Sora’s disappeared?” I ask.

“That much, he did.” Ienzo nods. “Although, I am curious as to what happened.” He says, hand moving to prop his chin up.

“I could probably call Xigbar into my heart. He’s relatively easy to get talking, we could see if maybe he knows something.” I suggest.

“Call the fucker into your heart. I’ll drag the asshole out and punch him square in the face.” Cid says, and one hundred percent, I start to question if my godfather asexually birthed me. I am one hundred percent him.

“Much as I’m sure that would be incredibly cathartic, I sincerely doubt that one, it will be effective, being that we have no idea where to search for Xigbar’s heart, and second, it could prove to be incredibly dangerous. I hope you haven’t forgotten he is half Xehanort. I dread to consider who or what you might invite in along with him.” And certainly, I do repress a shudder at Ienzo’s words. In my mind’s eye, golden eyes and an ‘x’ shaped scar appear, and I grip the edge of the kitchen table with bone shattering tightness to fend off the impending anxiety.

“Plus, I’d hate to think that something that took solace inside Sora has suddenly gone dark. Xigbar just seems hella bad at keeping secrets, I figured if anyone on Xehanort’s side could be prodded, it would be him.” I shrug.

“And while I agree with that, everything Master Yen Sid has relayed to us seems to allude to this final battle being relatively straight forward. Xehanort wants his thirteen darknesses to clash with the seven lights. Either that must be prevented or Xehanort himself must be annihilated before Kingdom Hearts can be summoned.” Ienzo explains. “Which means our mission will be relatively base as well. We’ve made substantial progress as far as the replica program goes, despite the initial setbacks with Even’s absence. Of course, there are still great strides to make as far as readying the physical bodies, but--”

“What more do you need to make a body? The human body is relatively basic, as far as chemical components go, most of the ingredients in the body are things you could get from the shops in town.” I say, making a face.

“Do I even wanna know how you know that, kid?” Cid mutters.

“It’s basic alchemy.” I shrug.

“Correct, however, our specific bit of research requires a bit more magic and a bit less science. Vexen’s replicas were essentially blank canvases, capable of taking on the shape of the heart possessing it. A simple living doll would not have anywhere near that ability.” Ienzo explains and mage or not, I do roll my eyes at the thought because of course magic has to be the solution to this. Is there anything in this odd life that I’m living that magic isn’t the answer to?

“Right. Of course. So, you have to make a body with magic. And I’m going to use heart magic to sort Sora and Roxas back into their own hearts.” I mutter.

“Yes. We have equipment hooked up back at the castle which will allow you to enter your own heart, to dive into your ‘Station of Awakening’ so to speak. Your connection with Sora and Roxas should allow you a tunnel to their respective ‘Station of Awakening’.” Ienzo says.

“Okay, right, does sound pretty basic.” I agree and Ienzo chuckles. “What?”

“Although you are quite comfortable traversing an empathy link, it does still surprise me, the ability you have with it. Truly, Rueki, I believed such a spell to be impossible, but am undeniably thankful that it isn’t. Because of your accuracy, we know now that the only people necessary to create replicas for, are Naminé and Roxas.”

“I don’t know that I’d be able to dive as deep into Kairi’s heart as I can Sora’s, just so you know . I don’t think I’ll be able to separate Naminé out.” I say, and certainly, I could try it, but the potential entangling that I could do to Kairi--my Kairi--’s memories is undesirable to say the least. Sora, at least, has a very direct connection to my heart. There is no traversing, no leaping over hurdles to get to his heart. Plus, I've known Roxas since the day he came to life, I know his memories as well as my own, which actually means something now. 

“No, no. It appears Kairi’s ability to disconnect Naminé is infinitely stronger than Sora’s ability to disconnect....well any of the heart’s attached to his. Sora’s heart’s ability to welcome is both his greatest strength and his greatest downfall.” Ienzo chuckles, amused.

“Well, whatcha sitting around waiting for then, girlie?” Cid asks. “Go fix the damn kid.”

“What, so I can leave you alone to make shitty food for me?” I ask.

“Don’t worry, Rueki, I’ll take care of dinner tonight!” Aerith singsongs from the kitchen. I snort.

“You staying the night, kid, or are you bolting back to Nowhere Land with your boyfriend?” CId asks.

“Depends, do you have more of that tea still?” I ask. Cid offers me a half smile.

“Can brew some up in about ten minutes.” He offers.

“Cool, then I’ll see you when I’m done fixing teenager’s minds.” I say, and with that, Ienzo and I head to the castle. 

The walk isn't that far, both of us sufficiently knowing the way, and Ienzo chatting with a timid sort of enthusiasm about research makes time go by even faster. It shocks me, for how much Lea and Axel are one in the same, Ienzo and Zexion are both intelligent, both are bookish but that is about the extent of the comparisons. Where Zexion was reclusive and observant, Ienzo seems to yearn for the warmth and friendship his Nobody life deprived him of and I am all too happy to supply him. It's the least I can do, so things considered. 

Safely in lab, I hoist myself up onto a sterile table with a white sheet tossed across the top of it. Ienzo hooks me up to some sort of machine, Aeleus readies a computer, Dilan prepares a syringe.

“That’s not horrifying.” I mutter, because a needle in the arm from the man who used to be Xaldin is at least a bit frightening. Dilan scoffs and shoves the needle in my arm without hesitation.

“Alright, Rueki, go in, find the link to Sora’s heart and sort him from Roxas. You should have no trouble waking yourself when your task is complete and if you run into anything dangerous along the way, you still have all of your magic abilities. Do not hesitate to use them.” Ienzo says, and I do not have time to ask him what danger I might potentially run into inside of my own heart. I lose consciousness almost immediately.

I fall impossibly deep and not at all, for second and lifetimes. Endlessly and then I land.

The room I stand in is pitch black, with an ice cold floor. I look down, darkness shrouds the floor but I am surprised by how I can feel the frigid temperature through my shoes. I shudder, wrapping my arms around myself, my teeth clatter.

This is worse than Transmute City.

“Firaza.” I whisper.

Around me, the darkness begins to crack, coming through the magma that my spell pours into the room. Steadily, the darkness burns away, the room grows warmer. My hands fall away from my arms, I inhale deeply, muscles beginning to uncurl. As the fire burns, the room illuminates, as though this was the necessary trick to bringing my own heart to life. Brilliant colors begin to flood my vision: reds, golds, greens, pinks.

Upon stained glass, my own figure is etched, lying adjacent to Lea’s curled form. Our hands just barely miss one another’s outstretched ones and I think, immediately of a yin-yang symbol. In bubbles around us are the faces of friends: Amaya, Del, Shiki, Neku, Roxas, Sora, Riku, Aqua, Ventus. Saix’s face is etched too, as is a strange, vibrant blue eye with a reptilian slit of a pupil. Immediately I am drawn to it--a gazing eye. I’ve never seen this before, but I kneel down beside it and reach out to touch.

As though I have been electrocuted, my body jerks and I fall back onto my ass, the impact reverberating up my spine.

Something in me whispers that curiosity most certainly killed the cat. 

Swallowing dryly, I stand and look between the images of Roxas and Sora inside of my heart. With narrowed eyes, I find that all it takes is a little bit of focus, and the images illuminate, shining vibrantly. Their lights flutter, swirling around me before whipping out of the circle I stand in, creating a winding staircase in their wake. 

An ancient whispering rattles in the depths of my heart.

“The child born of obligation, not love will be your guiding key.” 

The voice shakes me from scalp to sole. So unfamiliar and yet it chills me deeper than my bones. Where the hell did it come from? And what is it doing inside of my heart. I make a move to flick my wrists and call forward La Luxure, but before I get the chance to be more introspective, the light at the top of the spiral staircase starts to flash with urgency, and I take off in a sprint, but not before hearing the voice rumble

“My gift to you, Luxu.” 

Even I am shocked by how fast my legs can move.

I’m sufficiently out of breath by time I reach the top of the staircase, but am pleased to be met by the sight of Sora and Roxas, etched into the stained glass floor much in the same way Lea and I were on the previous floor.

A thought floods my mind.

“A scattered dream that’s like a far off memory. A far off memory that’s like a scattered dream. I wanna line the pieces up. Yours and mine.”

The voiceless words mean everything and nothing all in one. An overwhelming image slams into my chest, hammering my heart with breathtaking force.

A little girl with big indigo eyes stares at him from atop a staircase. Her knees tucked to her chest, she smiles.

“I’m Kairi, are you here to play with me?”

It takes a moment for me to realize this is a memory, and this one is easy enough to sort. With a pop in my wrist, the memory materializes into a tiny ball of light and I flick it toward where Sora’s image resonates.

Another even easier to decipher slams into me. 

A single sea green eye, a heart shaped face framed by golden blonde hair. A smile that warms this person’s heart to their very core. It is so odd seeing me through Roxas’ heart, but I watch as I draw a knee to my chest, take a bite of ice cream.

I flick this memory into Roxas’ heart and find myself more nostalgic for the boy than I almost certainly have ever been. 

Warmth floods me with each memory I separate into each boy. Seeing myself through Roxas’ eyes is surreal, the way my eyes spark, the way my lips pull into a smile, the way I become fearless to stand by those I love most, the steadfastness of my promises. There is love inside of this boy’s memories, and even without proper parents, Axel and I make for as wonderfully makeshift of surrogates as Cid was to me. I think maybe we did right by the kid, I think maybe we protected him, I think as I look at him, my maternal instinct isn’t nonexistent, but is there, glimmering for this boy who I feel I might be a good person for caring for, so thoroughly.

“I wish I could have helped you.” The words leave my mouth as I sort through the last of the memories, and soon, I am filled with a strange, crippling light. The feeling brings me to my knees, I can't see straight, but suddenly my vision becomes cuttingly clear. I hoist myself up onto one foot, struggling through how repulsively good this feels. What is--

“You did.” The voice turns my blood to ice. My throat goes impossibly tight. I don’t think, in fact, I try to shove down any hopes that might be bubbling at the edges of my consciousness, because I want this. Oh, how badly do I want this to be real. “Come on, Rueki. Don’t leave me hanging. I thought we were best friends.”

Tears spill, seeming to hammer at the ground as I look behind me, willing my neck to twist. And it does, it cranes perfectly in time to meet an ethereal blond boy in a black cloak, with the most knowing of half smiles on his angel’s face.

“No.” I choke, crumpling forward onto hands and knees, shoulders shaking as the tears pour. I cannot stop them, I cannot will them away and he seems to realize this.

Roxas walks over to me, kneels down and helps me to my feet.

“You can’t be here.” I choke.

“Why not? It’s my heart, too. You’re the one walking in and out.” His hands squeeze mine as he stands opposite me, I tear my hand back and reach out to punch him, but the gesture falls away and I am left only with my grief and none of the rage I want to mask it.

“Because I missed you so much, and if you’re here and I have you back, then this would be happy, and hell, you’ve kinda missed a lot, kid, but I don’t get happy things anymore.” My voice shakes with the ache that I cannot confront.

“I know.” He nods. “Why do you think I cut Saix down after you asked me to kill you? You needed me, Rueki. Just like I needed you to put me back inside Sora, whether I wanted to be there or not.”

“You’re a stubborn shit.” I agree.

“You are too.” And he’s not wrong. I laugh, pathetically, voice sounding wet and heavy as I finally meet his eyes. I lick and bite my lips, I press my nails into my palms, anything to displace myself from the anxiety, the hope, the overwhelming emotion that I can barely take. “I waited for you. Outside of Xemnas’ throne room.”

“I know. I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you. Things would be a lot different if Riku didn’t catch up to me.” He presses his lips together.

“You’d be here now with me and Lea, for real.” I say.

“Lea?” He asks.

“Axel. We’re real now.” I say.

“You know, I thought about that a lot. Were we ever not real?” He asks. “Was anything any of us felt, not real?”

“I think it was all real. The love, the laughter, the pain. I’ve never felt more than I did eating ice cream with the two of you.” I shake my head.

“Three of us.” He says, and for a second, I don’t realize that he’s correcting me, but when I do, I tilt my head to the side.

“What?” I ask.

“You don’t remember.” He murmurs, chewing his lip. “It’s okay, I didn’t either until I felt her leave, just...don’t be mad that I can’t tell you.”

“Tell me about who, Roxas?” I plead, squeezing his hands. He shakes his head.

“I can’t.” But I see something dreamy in his too big eyes as he shakes his head. Something so similar to the way Sora and Kairi look at each other, a pure love, blessed with sunsets and promises and stolen moments giggling. I wonder who this could be, I wonder who this person is, and how bad the emptiness of being without another sleeping presence, curled against him, must feel for Roxas. “She won’t...Rueki...she won’t be able to come back if I...if you.”

“Besides, you'll forget about her the second you leave my heart. Your memories will arrange themselves to keep you sane.” He says, the most broken of smiles darkening his features.

And it is unfair, the fact that no matter where I go, no matter how I shift, no matter which direction I move, I find no reprieve. Memories always slip away, too fast, through my impossible fingers. But despite the injustice, there is a boy standing in front of me that I love more than life itself. A boy who I had cynically--always too cynically, despite this fantastic world--believed was lost to me forever. And for this, I have no right to be anything save for grateful.

“But you’re here.” And he doesn’t need to struggle for words anymore, because I cut anything he might be able to say off, by wrapping him tightly in my embrace. He’s tall, as tall as Sora is now, and that shouldn’t surprise me, but it does bring more tears to the surface. Too long, how have we waited so achingly long for this moment? “And you’re coming back with me, aren’t you? Ienzo has almost completed the replica, just give us a few more days and we can--”

“Even if you do get me a body, you can’t fix everything on your own, Rueki. Don’t you know that already?” He teases, hugging me tight, not shy, not baffled, not stumbling foolishly like a zombie. Instead, between the two of us, we know this dance better than ever. We know how to be good friends to each other. “You’re smart, but even you can’t take on the world by yourself.”

“No, it’ll be you, me and Lea. And Sora, and Riku and Kairi. Roxas, I’ve made so many friends, but I’ve never stopped thinking about you, I’ve never stopped wishing you were back.” I assure him.

“I know, Rueki. I’ll come back, I promise.” He swears.

“But not now?” I murmur. 

“Not until Sora provides the spark. You’re the catalyst, but we need something to light the fuse. When you need me most, I’ll be there, Rueki.” He promises, and despite the promise I broke, despite how much I would deserve nothing but lies from him, I nod against his chest. I believe him, I believe in him.

“Don’t keep me waiting, kiddo, or I’ll kick your ass.” I say.

“Hey, didn’t I beat both you and Axel in a fight?” He chuckles. This time, I do draw back and slug him in the arm. “Ouch!” He whines.

“Not so tough when we’re not throwing the fight, are you?” I ask. But Roxas just beams at me, glowing golden from head to toe. 

“I’ll see you soon, Rueki?” He asks. I smile, holding up a fist, pinky extended.

“Promise?” I ask.

“Yeah. Promise.” And he wraps his pinky around mine, and suddenly, I’m awake, lying on the sterile table with the white sheet over it. Fisting the fabric of the sheet, I turn, eyes finding Ienzo’s from where he sits across the room. 

“All set?” He asks. And I just say ‘yes’ and tell him all is well, and he assures me that we will be on our way soon, to bringing Roxas back, but I just keep nodding blankly and offering small, encouraging words. Because there’s only one person who will fully understand the extent of what I have seen inside of Sora and Roxas’ heart, there is only one other person who will appreciate the conversation I had with Roxas.

And every second I spend in the castle is a second that I am not on the phone with Lea.

As soon as I make a break for Cid’s house, I take off in a sprint, wind whipping through my unbound hair. I get as far as the town square when I am intercepted by heavy footfalls and a taunting voice. 

“What do you know. The little alchemist thinks it’s safe to play in hearts she doesn’t belong in.” I would recognize the voice without the memories that a shining light in my heart pushes forward. It’s a different tone, it’s a taunting drawl, a tease, there’s an animosity, but the voice is undoubtedly Sora’s, and Ventus’ heart tells me what this means.

“Vanitas.” I whisper the name, skin prickling as I hear the boy’s heavy footfalls approach me. I grit my teeth, grinding them against one another as I turn, with a narrowed gaze, toward him.

“I’d say I was thankful for the lack of need for introduction, but…” My eyes find exactly what I expect, a boy in a helmet, wearing battle gear, a rounded black and red Keyblade at hand. “You reek of Ventus. Your appearance is a waste of my search.”

“It’s a little thirsty that you know what Ventus smells like, but whatever.” I shrug, grin tugging at the edge of my lips.

“No one asked your opinion, bitch.” He regards me with an abruptly feral tone. 

“Ouch.” I roll my eyes. “You think I’m a waste of your time? Get the fuck out of my way, kid. Or we can make this a huge waste of time.” With the flick of my wrists, I summon La Luxure to my hands. 

“Or you can tell me how to find Ventus. I don’t want anything to do with you. You can go right back to being someone else’s charity case.” He snarls.

“Suck my dick.” Is my clever response.

“What a real surprise, you’re exactly as much of a stupid bitch as everyone says you are.” He growls.

“Stupid slut is more the general consensus, but thanks for playing.” I offer a petty smile.

“Oh no, that’s not what I heard. I’ve heard all about how you’re just a dumb girl, willing to give anything to a pretty face.” A clicking sounds off, his helmet comes down, revealing what Ventus’ memories have already prepared me for: Sora’s face with golden eyes and black hair. It still isn’t an easy pill to swallow, and I do have to chomp down on the inside of my cheek to keep everything together. “So tell me, alchemist. What stings worse? Seeing your friend’s face on me? Or knowing I got my other half back, but Sora’s is lost forever.” 

“Thundaza.” Is my response, because fuck him, fuck his taunting, and if this fight is the jolt it takes to bring Roxas back, so be it. My spell comes down and pounds into the pavement, striking Vanitas to the ground, despite the speed he tries to flee with. 

“Exactly as predictable as everyone accused you of being.” He hisses, not missing a beat. In the blink of my eye, he teleports in front of me, blade drawn back. I grunt, flipping backward, away from him. “Too bad for you I fought your little teacher over a decade ago.” He cackles. I don’t know how he knows I trained with Aqua, perhaps it is the intensity of my magic, perhaps it is my quick evasion from him, maybe it is just the look of pure annoyance as I regard him, but I do not fear this boy.

“And you fell to her every single time.” I remind him, thrusting my Knuckles forward. “Firaza!” Vanitas huffs, leaping out of the way. He’s quick, as quick as me, maybe faster as he bolts forward, blade slamming into me. 

The sting of the clunky metal sword as it rams into my ribs is surprising. I wheeze for air and kick wildly, jamming the heel of my boot into his kneecap. He growls, an untamed animal. Where Xigbar knew exactly the point to wear me out to, Vanitas doesn’t care. Where Saix savored in my misery, Vanitas is impatient.

Hitting the ground, he grabs my ankle, too fast, and with a quick tug, pulls me down onto my back--

Hard.

The wind is violently torn from my lungs, I gasp and sputter, throbbing from the base of my spine all the way to my head with the impact.

Scrambling to his feet, he draws his blade over his head and slams it down onto me.

“Refle--” But before I can utter the spell, he has ceased his attack and pounds a boot into my throat. Hell.

Wheezing, I struggle to sit up, one hand coming to my mouth as I cough wildly, with a force that shakes my entire body. 

“Where is Ventus?” Vanitas barks, kicking me once again in the abdomen.

Visions flood my mind. The cold golden eyes that bore into mine remain, but the hair becomes pale blue and long, the seeker grows older, an angry, red ‘x’ mars his face. 

‘This is for me.’ 

No!

Vanitas’ blade comes down onto me, and I don’t think, I don’t calculate, I don’t strategize, I act. My arm flies up, guard at the ready, and I take the attack, oh do I take it, but I don’t flinch. With gritted teeth, I shove back, forcing my shaky legs to stand tall. They still work, they’re still good, and I can still fight back.

The face of my nightmares fades back to the aggravated face of a boy, and I think to myself ‘never again’. No more nightmares.

I will not fall to some child with an affinity for misery.

I push back, putting all of my weight into my Knuckles, countering him with every bit of force that I can exert. Vanitas grunts, seeming to only be phased just enough by my attack. All it will take is for him to shift his footing, all he has to do is throw a little more of his weight against me and I will buckle. I cannot waste more time on the defensive. 

So I draw my leg up and slam my knee right between his legs.

“Fuck!” He screams, doubling over, Keyblade clattering to the ground with a loud ‘clang’. “You filthy fucking cunt.” And he grabs my calf and pulls, incomprehensibly strong as he throws me down onto my back and climbs to his feet . My head rattles, but I recover enough to kick at his ankle with all of my might. He barely staggers, but instead, I have enough time to react as he summons his Keyblade back to his hands and winds it over his head.

“Reflega!” With the force he moves at, there is no skidding to a halt, there is no ceasing his attack. His blade slams down onto my barrier, and he goes flying, straight into the roof of a local shop. I hear the sound of him crying out, as he rains down with loose shingles. My barrier fades, I struggle back to my feet, just to have my jaw smashed with a clunky Keyblade. I feel it disconnect, and the pain is blinding. White spots flood my vision as I struggle to push it back into place, and I do, only to be seized by the throat in a moment of weakness. Vanitas is taller than me, just enough where I am forced to stand on my toes, just enough where he has the high ground. And he uses this new angle to his advantage. A rough, gloved thumb presses down on my trachea and I gag.

“Maybe if you weren't so distracted by the pull off the light, like your teacher, you could see clearly, alchemist.” He snarls and fuck, he's strong, he's too strong, his hand around my throat, he lifts me up, I lean on my toes pushing myself up with all of my might, trying with everything in me to gain some sort of leverage, to fight back the haze that accompanies a lack of oxygen. I wheeze, clawing at his hands, clawing so hard my fingernails begin to bend, begin to snap. “You don't matter, you're not a guardian of light. I can end you now. No one needs you.” His thumb presses further against my windpipe, I gasp. No please, no. Black spots flood my vision. “But I want Ventus. So behave, alchemist. Lay down and give him to me and you can walk away with your pathetic waste of a life.” 

In my hazy, delirious state, an idea dances at the edge of my consciousness. How fucking desperate have I become?

“Then have him!” I choke, flailing a limp arm straight into his chest. I fumble and slam my palm straight over his heart. 

“Fuck!” And just like that Vanitas goes limp, taps out, releases me as visions flood his mind. I slam Ven's light, Ven's memories, Ven's happiness with everyone but him, straight into the dark void that is Vanitas’ heart. Terra smiles, Aqua hugs, Lea laughs, Riku protects, Sora warms, Kairi relaxes. An older man with dark hair pulled half up nurtures, I bring joy, an unfamiliar girl with dark hair and golden eyes brings peace. A small cat like animal, similar to Sora's dream eater offers friendship, a girl in a fox mask offers inspiration, Marluxia offers --

Marluxia? 

Strange, repressed memories bubble to the surface and I don't know who crumbles further, me or Vanitas.

“So the alchemist fancies herself a witch?” He snaps as reality starts to trickle back in. I stumble forward, throwing myself down into Vanitas. In his disoriented state, the seeker tumbles down with me. I slam my elbow down onto his throat and he chokes, frenetic, wheezing, spewing. “You stupid cunt, what did you put into my head?” He rasps. 

“Funny, I was going to ask you the same thing.” 

I rub my throat, still feeling the indentations of his gloves across my skin. My voice will be ragged for long, for too long, but I am easily distracted from that by more footfalls and--

“You insolent, petulant mess of a child. For one so eager to bow down to Xehanort’s absolute beck and call your abundant lack of self control is appalling.” An English accent.

Every nerve in my body goes cold, my insides rot and decay. 

A man in a black coat, with blue eyes, a goatee and short blond hair strides into the square where his cynical eyes roam the area like he has freshly found the winning strategy for a particularly difficult game.

“No.” I whisper. “Luxord.”

“Rueki.” And the familiarity to which he breathes my name breaks me, scatters me like leaves on the wind. “I...love...you’re…”

I want to scramble to my feet, to pound against his chest and scream at him and beg that he change his mind. I want to ask him if the fantasy of us standing on the same side in another life actually meant anything to him or if I was just another pawn to be moved. I want to remind him about every wrong and every right he has ever placed on the scales of fate against me because I know he above all others will appreciate the significance of balance.

I want to beg him to be my friend again.

Vanitas begins to howl with laughter, a banshee, a demon.

“Stupid slut was right. Handing it out to everyone you disgusting little--”

“Get!” Luxord barks, voice cutting like a knife across the evening air. Silence rolls in like a thick fog. Vanitas grunts as he climbs to his feet, lips pulled back over his teeth in a feral snarl. It is evident in the way he stands, that he has no fear nor respect when it comes to Luxord, but with the press of a button, his helmet clicks into place and he rolls his shoulders back, a gesture meant to show a lack of interest in me, but Vanitas could combust on the spot and I would not notice.

“They burn witches at the stake in other worlds, girl.” Vanitas hisses.

But there is no quick comment, no witty response.

Instead, there is only a fleeting and broken gaze as I stare at Luxord while he waves his hand to summon a portal.

My friend.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends. You might have noticed a change in the summary and if not, that's what I'm here for. It now says 'Updates every Monday' because, well, that's what I'm gonna be doing.
> 
> I know, I know, part of the appeal to this story is that with the constant updates, it makes it easy to binge read, but the fact of the matter is, my new job is so busy (which is good, I'm commission based, I don't make money if I'm not busy) and where I normally had time to crank out several thousand words just at work, now, some days I barely am able to crank out a couple hundred words. It's been leading to a lot of frustration with my writing and more often than not going 'this entire chapter is terrible, i need to gut it to even make it salvageable'. And I know I'm my own toughest critic, but you guys deserve nothing but the best, and right now, I just cannot give you that and keep up the crazy updating speed. I so wish I could, this was never my intention but I simply bit off more than I can chew.
> 
> If you follow the Instagram page, yes I'm repeating myself, but I know not everyone does and you guys deserve an explanation. 
> 
> So without further ado, here's some more Rueki

XXV.

“Kid, dinner.” Is Cid's greeting, and I very strongly contemplate blowing by him altogether. I'm not in the mood for social interaction, not even a fucking little. I wanna throw myself into my bed and cry so hard I don't make a sound, I want to scream into a pillow, I want to displace some of the misery I feel but attacking something or someone.

I want to fall apart.

“Not hungry.” I reply, trying and failing to keep my my tone neutral.

“What crawled up your ass and died? Sit down, eat some damn food.” Cid has about as much tactic as me, which would be refreshing on any other occasion. Literally any other occasion. 

My temper flares, it roars to life, and with tight muscles and fingernails that bite deep down into my palms, I force myself to stand perfectly still, statuesque.

Breathe. In one, two, three.

Out one, two, three.

I rub my tongue over my teeth, counting each one. My bone splitting fists do not loosen, but I manage to turn to Cid without murder in my eyes. This isn't his fault, and this shouldn't be a surprise to me, Lea and I placed bets, he warned me. And despite my hopes, despite my easily crushed optimism, I know Luxord is nothing if not pragmatic. Why in the hell would he ever align himself on a side with minimal numbers?

Still, I cannot help the sinking feeling that I am an utter fool, that my moment of positivity was truly a moment of weakness.

“I just got intercepted by one of the seekers.” I mutter. “Someone who used to be my friend.”

Cid sits silently at the dinner table and oh how thankful I am for Cid’s emotional inability. I don't want comfort, I don't want a hug, I don't want sympathy. I want to isolate. 

“You okay?” He asks.

“I'll live.” I reply. 

“Go call your boyfriend and cry it out kiddo. Dinner will be in the fridge when you're done.” And honestly, I wonder how much richer my life would be if I did get to spend my youth taking this man to school functions, begging him for pets, screaming for toys, crying, learning, working on Gummi Ships and truly being raised by Cid. 

“Thanks, old man.” And we exchange no pleasantries, but I think that works best for both of us. 

With the door to my room shut behind me, I sit on the floor, back against the door frame and consider his words. Call my boyfriend. And despite a deep need to hide away, I do have to admit that the thought of seeing Lea's face, of hearing how voice is soothing. He's annoying as shit, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't gladly listen to him talk for hours.

Besides, it's not like I don't want to talk to him.

I fumble for my phone, I don't hesitate over his contact, I just select it. The phone rings once, twice, three times, four…

Just as I'm about to say ‘fuck it’ and hang up, Lea answers, greeting me groggily.

“You're not in bed.” Is his sluggish response. 

“Are you seriously not even up yet?” I snap, voice harsher than intended.

“Listen, sweetheart…” But he doesn't even tell me what to listen to, instead he begins to drift and my fingers move, however shakily toward the ‘end call’ button. But, as though his body is acting of its own accord, Lea jerks up, eyes fluttering back open. I chomp down on the inside of my cheek.

This isn't his fault, this isn't anyone's fault. This is my fault for giving a quarter of a shit.

“Why do you look so awake?” He mumbles.

“Because although it’s probably been approximately three seconds your time, it’s been several hours in my time. I’m in Radiant Garden, remember? Helping Ienzo help Roxas?” My voice is tense, tight with irritation, but this is hardly concerning for my half coherent boyfriend.

“And you didn’t even say goodbye to me? Jeez, maybe it’s time for me to trade in.” He teases, running a sleepy hand through his fallen hair.

“Look at the mirror, I wrote you a note.” I hiss, in a voice that bites, a voice that cuts bone deep. 

“Come on, Rueks, take a joke.” He urges, but then, seems to notice my aggravated posture, the way I’m chewing my lip, the way my eyes won’t meet his. “What happened? Did I somehow manage to do something to make you mad?”

“No, it’s just…” Why can’t he fucking read my mind? “Luxord is a seeker.”

Lea’s posture becomes perfectly straight. He sits up in bed, taking the phone with him, his eyes are now quite alert.

“Rueks...baby. I’m sorry.” He breathes.

“I don’t even know why this is bugging me so much, he’s a piece of shit. Fucking shocker.” And I clench my hand into a fist, unsatisfied until my fingernails split my palms. “You warned me, you prepared me, I should’ve listened.”

“Sweetheart, I wasn’t trying to...We were having fun, we were just making bets. I would never genuinely want anything that could hurt you.” He assures me.

“I know, it was fun, it is fun.” I agree, though my voice wavers. “It just like pisses me off so much that I could expect...that I could ever think he…” I need a distraction. “Guess I owe you anal now.”

And he doesn’t laugh but I do, dryly, trying to ignore the tightening in my aching throat. Fucking Vanitas.

“Rueki…” He murmurs my name, and even through the phone, I can almost feel his need to reach out and touch me, to hold me, to comfort me. 

“I dunno, I don’t know what I expected. I just wanted to hear your voice.” And I feel so small and so weak uttering the words, but the warmth in his eyes floods over me, and just like this, I could melt into the floor. I could melt into him.

“You want to hear me talk?” He asks, and I nod weakly. “Hell, Rueks...what do you want me to talk about?” He asks.

“I dunno. Tell me a story or something.” I whisper. “Help me...not think.”

“Well, first let’s get you somewhere that isn’t...where are you?” He asks and I laugh, a limp but genuine sound. 

“On the floor in my room at Cid’s.” I answer.

“Huh. Well, get into bed. Get cozy, get warm.” He orders, and it’s nice, having a physical task in mind. I rise from the floor, set my phone on my dresser and wrap myself in my carefully made bed. I’m sure Aerith was the one that tucked the blankets just right, not Cid and the mothering instinct, despite not actually being focused on me but rather on the house, is still nice. Sufficiently cocooned, I grab my phone again, raise my knee and prop my elbow onto it as I look at him. “Better?” He asks.

“A little.” I concede.

“Then maybe we should talk about that house in Twilight Town.” And the tiniest of smiles flicks at the edges of his mouth. “I know you want the sun in, but sweetheart, I think we desperately need blackout curtains. We can sleep in pretty much all the time. Roxas is old enough, he can set his own alarm.”

“You’ll still get up at the crack of dawn to see him off to school.” I snort out the tiniest breath of a laugh.

“Me? Nah. I’m a bastard in the morning, remember? But you’re so damn antsy, you’ll probably be waking him up before his alarm even chimes. Probably poking him with a stick and saying something along the lines of ‘don’t make me wake your ass up, kid’. That maternal instinct is covered in layers of sarcasm, but it’s not dead.” He teases.

“Feh.” I mutter in response, but I am eager for more. 

“We’ll have to get real jobs, which will probably suck. But you’re pretty shit at cooking according to your friends, so lucky you, you’ll have a husband who makes dinner for you.” He teases.

“Oh, a husband?” I raise an eyebrow, and so easily, delight begins to flutter, like a fledgling inside of me. 

“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m gonna wife you up when all of this is done, until you have it memorized?” He chuckles. I am alight.

“Well, you’ve spent the past twelve years developing minimal life skills. Murder and magic aren’t real jobs. So, I’ll probably have to commute to Amaya’s shop. Apparently she’s rich now, but if she still lets me pilot for her, maybe you can be a house husband.” I grin.

“Damn, I’ve got a girl that’s gonna spoil me.” He grins.

“I know, I’m pretty alright under under the layers of hot garbage that I surround myself in.” I say.

“What can I say, you make dumpster fires look cute.” He grins. “We’ll find a hell of a lot more games to play, so I can keep being right about the endings.”

“And take beach trips too. We’ve gotta see Kairi all the time.” I insist.

“Of course. My girlfriend needs to spend proper time with her girlfriend.” He agrees. “Plus you still have to split a paopu fruit with me.” 

“Ew. People will think I love you if I do that.” I roll my eyes.

“Ugh, disgusting. Can’t have that.” He laughs, and I do too, and with each clench of my stomach, I feel a little more of the ache, a little more of the disappointment fade away. “I’ll be sure to very pointedly ignore you while we spend as much time as we can traveling. Can’t have anyone thinking we even like each other. But hey, I still remember that childhood dream of yours. Wanting to see every world out there. Even if we wanna drown each other all of the time, maybe we can make that possible.”

And despite his goofiness, I do light up, from head to toe.

“I can’t believe you remember that.”

“Oh, I’ve got you memorized, Rueks.” He taps his temple. “You feeling any less upset?”

“Of course. You always make me feel better, that’s why I keep you around. You’re the most annoying and the most awesome person I know.” I explain. He grins.

“Good. So tell me something nice then. You had a bad day, but I’m willing to bet at least one good thing happened, right?” He presses, and truly the effort of trying to remember anything past my encounter with Luxord seems too great. But I suppose that must be the point. I don’t know if Lea has just picked up some new tricks, or if he actually spent time researching ways to calm someone down from a panic induced fit, but surely, it is working.

“I met Vanitas. He’s a fuck head. I see why Aqua gets a little murdery when she talks about him.” I say. “I tried to shove Ven’s memories into him, to back him off of me. It was a dirty trick, he’s weirdly thirsty for Ven and was being a dick to me, so I decided to show him how happy Ven was without him and...someone else’s memories entered both of our minds. It was weird, whoever it was knew Marluxia.” 

“You think maybe it was that other heart inside of Sora’s? The one that you said left?” Lea asks, tilting his head to the side.

“I dunno, it must’ve been. Regardless, it was weird.” I say, licking my lips, though that doesn't seem right. Still, I cannot put my finger on who else they could belong to. “And dude...I saw Roxas.” 

This completely takes Lea’s breath away. His face becomes pale, substantially so and I watch a thousand expressions flick across his features--disbelief, shock, awe, happiness, jealousy, pain.

“And here you were, asking me to tell you a story? Were you just saving this one for the big finale?” He asks, chuckling dryly, bravado suddenly covering any of the raw nerve endings my utterings might have exposed.

“It wasn’t real. It was just inside of Sora’s heart.” I try. 

“Does that make it any less real, Rueks?” He presses.

“Idiot.” I mutter.

“Cynic.” He replies.

“He’s gonna come home to us, baby. He promised. All Sora needs is some sort of spark but...he promised that when we needed him most, he’d be there. That Sora’s heart would find a way.” And this time, a different sort of emotion breaks my voice. Where failure and defeat once weighed too heavy, hope now lifts me, and I think damn, I could get used to this.

What I wouldn’t give to feel this light always.

“Fuck. Come on Rueks, I don’t wanna cry, it’s too early.” He shakes his head, voice crackling like a log on a fire.

“My eyeliner is still in the bathroom, if you need to draw under your eyes.” I offer and he laughs and so do I and it feels just so good.

“You left without your eyeliner? Do you plan to look like some sort of drowned gremlin the entire time you’re gone?” He teases.

“Haha, fuck off. Crybaby.” 

“Bitch.”

“I love you so much. Thank you, Lea.” I smile.

“Hey, anything for the girl that’s gonna pay my bills and let me be a house husband.” He shrugs.

“Fucking gold digger.” I tease.

“Says the younger blonde woman to the older man she’s shaking up with.” Lea counters.

“Watch your attitude, sugar baby, or I’m cutting you off.” I grin.

“Hey, this is on you, you woke me up.” He reminds me.

“Well go back to bed, I’ll call you tomorrow night.” I say.

“So about thirty more seconds for me?” He asks.

“Or another year, who knows how time passes for you. Love you.”

“Love you more, Rueks.”

\--

The moon is full in Radiant Garden and I do not sleep as it glows, eerily silver, into my room. 

With eyes shut tight, I try, with everything in me to drift off. And drift off, I do, for minutes at a time before waking violently. Golden eyes and ‘x’ shapes scars plague my mind and I have to stuff the edge of my pillow into my mouth to stop from screaming. Counting down the minutes until the sun rises, I grip the sheets with white knuckles and chastise myself for not remembering to drink some of that knockout tea, earlier on. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

With shaky hands and weary eyes, I dress myself before anyone else is even awake and slip out of the house and to the castle. I need something, anything to distract my wandering mind. 

Unsurprisingly, Ienzo is already awake. Or perhaps he never went to bed in the first place, because he’s hunkered over a table full of research notes, shoulders slumped as he limply flips through the papers. He grumbles something under his breath, shakes his head and sets his jaw.

“Incoming.” I announce and swiftly, he looks up, messy hair hanging in his face. His wide, tired blue eye stares back at me and after a moment of tension, his shoulders begin to unclench bit.

“Eager to return to work so soon?” He asks.

“Funny, I was gonna ask you the same thing.” I say, crossing my arms to my chest.

“I suppose I’m guilty of working too hard. But you’re incredibly transparent yourself. Something’s bothering you.” He says. I shrug.

“You don’t need to pretend you give a shit, it’s cool, we can be friends without talking about me having a case of the sads.” I say, taking a step forward.

“I think perhaps it could be therapeutic for you to release tension in a manner that isn’t violent or...sexual.” And oh, this poor, precious boy. Of course, he’s eighteen, he’s only a bit younger than me, but he spent so much of his life, sexual awakening and all with unattainably older men. Which isn’t to say that Ienzo is straight, and isn’t to say that Ienzo even has a sexual appetite at all. But surely, I cannot imagine that a healthy or comfortable desire for sex could even be attained with Vexen breathing down one’s neck. 

“I’m not good with healthy displays of emotions.” I brush him aside quickly. “I’m here to help you build replicas.”

Ienzo rubs his visible eye and raises from his chair. With popping joints and clicking bones akin to someone far older, he makes his way past me, to a filing cabinet beside the computer, a knowing smile on his face.

“Right, well before I forget, look what Aeleus found.” Ienzo turns toward me as he rummages, and the first thing that comes to mind is that somehow, they found something that belonged to my mother or father. It is strange, with no memories comes no sentimental attachment, they are names and faces in photos, not memories, scents or voices. I brace myself for the discomfort of having to pretend I’m interested in something about them, when Ienzo retrieves a yellow and gold piece of fabric and offers it to me. For a moment, I blink at it, and then, as I reach out, I realize, with a jolt, what it is.

“No way.” I laugh in delight as I snatch the cloth up, fanning it out for examination. 

“It was inside a storage locker in the basement, I’m not sure if you recall, but he and Isa were apprentices.” Ienzo reminds me and I grin, lowering the material as I look at him.

“Of course I remember, but I didn’t expect to see this again.” I confess, and with another elated laugh, I wrap it around my neck and look into one of the blank computer screens as I adjust Lea’s old scarf around my neck. 

“He must’ve forgotten it one day. Been in a rush and left it in his locker.” Ienzo shrugs.

“You’re probably right. He’s a sloppy idiot and frequently teeters between procrastinating and being overly energetic.” I agree only giddiness lacing my tone as I smile stupidly and touch the fringes at the edge of his scarf. It is so silly that something he wore as a child could bring me this sort of joy, but it does, I feel elated and am able to cast my drained anxiety aside, just from the brush of this scarf on my neck. I am wrapped up, I am safe.

Ugh, and I sound like a stupid child. Well, at least no one frequently goes searching through my heart.

“Well, I’m glad you like it.” Ienzo nods.

“I do, thanks. I seriously owe you ice cream now.” I say, offering him a smile that feels too big, thanks to the fact that I cannot contain the head to toe glow that an article of clothing has given me. 

“That would be nice but…” He turns to the replica table, which, along with notes, is littered with materials, most of which I recognize instantly. Roughly thirty five liters of water, four liters of ammonia, if I were to measure the salt, I’d be willing to bet there would be two hundred fifty grams. “We’ve still got a lot of work when it comes to creating physical bodies for our friends.”

“Well lucky you, you’re working with an alchemist.” I say, feeling a grin tug at the edges of my lips. This is my wheelhouse, this is where I can be useful.

“I was hoping you’d say that, and this wouldn’t be too much effort.” Ienzo grins back as we proceed to the table. 

“No, the whole transmuting a dummy thing is easy, I wouldn’t touch the whole putting a soul in thing with a ten foot pole though.” I shake my head.

“Well fortunately, one’s heart tends to accompany one’s soul. As you said yesterday, Sora’s heart will provide the jolt necessary to transfer Roxas.” And I decide to bite my tongue on the debate as to whether souls actually exist or not, and the fact that I was using the word soul to be synonymous with heart, which I suppose isn’t scientifically accurate, but neither is diving into your best friend’s heart. I won’t pretend that I’m not doubtful of things that lack tangible proof, but I also think it might be foolish for me, at this point, to completely cast aside everything that I cannot see. Especially to a man raised by science. “Nevertheless, I spent the evening pouring through Even’s old notes. A lot of them were hard to distinguish, but it appears at least, that I’ve made a break, however slight, in allowing the replicas to be malleable in appearance, so that they are able to absorb the looks of those whose heart fills them.”

“And all you need is someone with the skills to put them together.” I observe.

“Quite the contrary. This work is equal parts magic and science. I don't need just any alchemist, your ties with Sora's heart are invaluable. You'll need to cast high powered spells to pave the way for these bodies to be capable of morphing. Naminé did us all a great service in enchanting you.” Ienzo assures. 

“Well at least her guilt trip was a helpful one.” And I catch myself as I speak...guilt trip? What am I…?

“What was she guilting you for?” Ienzo asks as I blink, thoroughly confused.

“I don't...Lea and I have some...misplaced memories. Somebody we've forgotten but can't seem to remember, and I don't know where to even begin with them. There's nothing. It's like whoever this is just never existed in the first place.” I shake my head.

“Curious.” Ienzo mutters. “When time isn't of the essence, we should dive into your memories. See what might still be lingering beneath the surface.”

“Now that's not a bad idea. There was some weird eye in my Station of Awakening, I'd like to figure out what that was. I'm pretty sick of being a mystery even to myself.” And then there was that name.

‘My gift to you, Luxu.’ 

But who is Luxu? Despite what I had previously believed, I worry that not all of my memories have returned, and the most agitating part is, it doesn't bother me much more than most things in life do. This is the state of my being at this point and, as annoying as it is, as hungry as I am for the return of my memories, this is not something I’m unused to.

“Perhaps belonging to whoever you and Lea have forgotten.” He suggests.

“Yeah maybe.” And from there we get to work. Ienzo measures out the exact ingredients of a human body, I start drawing a transmutation circle on the floor. I bite my lip as I precisely etch glyphs in the interior of the circle. Transmuting a human body may be relatively basic alchemy, but the magic aspect has me a little worried, and therefore toying with the traditional circle that I would use. A line here, a swirl there. I don’t realize how hard I am concentrating until Ienzo appears behind me and I nearly jump. My hand shakes, but I quickly steady myself, unwilling to compromise this intricate circle.

“About finished?” He asks, having properly placed the ingredients into a tub. I bite the inside of my cheek.

“Yeah, just a sec.” And I draw one more line before standing, looking at the circle I have etched out. 

“Why a pentagram in the interior? He inquires, head tilted to the side as he meets me in the middle of the circle, where he drags the tub.

“Because I’m not taking any chances.” I say. “If this is equal parts magic and alchemy, four points are for the four primary spells I can use to activate the circle, the fifth is a connection to my empathy link. That way this thing is made to house Roxas and doesn’t reject him like his heart is a virus.” 

“Now that is something.” Ienzo agrees, head taking several steps back, matching my pace. “Will it work?”

And fuck, I think I should be the one asking him, but I suppose this is more my wheelhouse than anything.

“If anything is going to. Like I said, I don’t want to think about tethering a heart or a soul, that’s got to require something that’ll take infinitely more planning.” And even as I say the words, I grow curious. Just what would it require for me to attach Roxas’ very essence to this body, or even Namine’s essence to a body? Ienzo is right, I am equal parts alchemist and magician, is that really so out of my realm of abilities? Surely I would need to adjust the pentagram within the circle, maybe some of the glyphs within it but--

“Rueki.” Again, my heart skips a beat as I’m brought back down to reality. Right. Roxas now, research later.

“Take like...a thousand steps back. I don’t know how this is gonna go.” I confess, and Ienzo at least, is educated enough, has likely seen enough of Even’s experiments go wrong, where he follows perfect orders and even goes so far as to take cover. With a deep breath, I center myself upon the tip of the pentagram that I have assigned to the empathy link. I narrow my eyes, roll my shoulders back, then point my index finger. 

“Blizzaza.” I hit my first target with perfect force and the room goes dangerous cold, but I quickly remedy it as I move to the next point. “Firaza.” And the room equalizes, just in time for me to shock the room. “Thundaza.” And then, immediately “waterza.” And with all of my might, I focus my heart, I focus my mind, I think of Roxas, in perfect detail as I get onto my knees and press my hands to the very front of the edge of the pentagram that I stand in. The circle glows, each line, every detail illuminates, brighter than the sun. Energy swirls around me, whipping back my hair, the fabric of my hood. With narrowed eyes, I channel every bit of who I am, every ounce of my might and the effort leaves me breathless, spent, dizzy, but I ignore the screaming in my mind and press forward, for Roxas, for Naminé, for all of the hearts caught without a body. And most importantly, because I am a fucking alchemist, and no amount of spells in the world will change this trade I worked so hard for. 

As the lights start to extinguish, I grow so lightheaded and struggle to stay conscious, but Ienzo is quick. He sprints behind me, reaches into my pocket and pulls out an Elixir, which I promptly chug. I climb to my feet, lean in a bit and see a very obvious mannequin inside of the tub. My eyes light up, so do Ienzo’s. He strides past me, hoists up the doll and turns to me. He opens his mouth to utter a statement of excitement, when suddenly the doll crumples in his hands, all dust and dirt.

“Fucking dammit!” I snap, kicking the tub, which is now filled with broken up chunks of the doll. “Fucking, fuck. That took…” Everything. I forgot how exhausting alchemy is, and to dive straight in, after not transmuting in over a year, to something so tricky, was a brave move, even as far as my standards go.

“No, it’s fine, Rueki. Really. Experiments can see no progress without failure, besides most of Vexen’s earlier replicas were unstable as well.” And despite his patient words, I hear the anxiety in his voice and am reminded of the young boy who was afraid to express an opinion without Even’s okay. This might very well be the most difficult experiment he has ever conducted on his own and now, with the final battle looming on the horizon, we have made such minimal progress, comparatively. And more to the point, I don’t know how much more of this I have left in me. This is tricky, and I’m out of the groove. I can hardly be worn before clashing with Saix. “We’ve come a long way toward reconstructing Roxas’ heart.”

“But it’s nothing without a vessel, Ienzo. He needs a vessel.” I insist. 

And then, from behind us, a noise. My stomach drops. Someone opened up a dark corridor just behind us.

“Finally, bout time.” A voice sighs. I angle myself in front of Ienzo and flick my wrists, calling La Luxure to me. I don’t know what, if any of his Nobody powers Ienzo retained, but as the person responsible for ending his second life, I’m not letting anyone take his third. “Ooh, nice place.” And from the portal, a white cloth appears. I’m sure there’s a face behind the cloth, it almost looks as though the cloth is just a board being carried, but I’m too damn short to see much more than...spiky, sandy hair.

That nasal voice. I lean forward and come face to face with a golden eyed Demyx.

“Not you too.” I choke, and think this might be it. Ienzo might need to scrape me off the ground...my heart can't take this.

“Rueki!” Demyx beams, all goofy excitement and everything I recall him being. He swings around, and at this, I can get a clear visual on the fact that he is very clearly carrying a body underneath the white cloth. Well fuck. “And Zexion!” He sets the body down in the middle of my transmutation circle and looks me over. “You’re not a Nobodies anymore, that’s cool!.”

“But you are, you asshole!” I snap, and unlike with Luxord, my self control is gone. I banish my weapon, rush into Demyx and pound my fists into his chest.

“Yeah, I know. Can’t shake the feeling that I got sweet talked. This whole darkness thing sure isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” He laughs, so light, so musically, I forgot how much I like the sound of Demyx’s laugh, and I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised he’s acting so nonchalant about all of this. But it doesn’t change the screaming within me, doesn’t change the fact that yet another of my friends has allied with my enemy. “And hey, what are you yelling at? Shouldn’t I be mad at you? After all, I died so that you wouldn’t, but if you’re human, then you definitely died and--” he’s waving his hands and nodding his head, and to be frank, I missed every ounce of his derpy persona but right now I just want to scream at him.

“Fucking Saix mutilated me, dick. I died to save Roxas.” I insist.

“Ugh, that sounds exhausting. Too much work, playing hero.” He says, and I don’t even fuss with the fact that he was the one who decided to be a big damn hero and take me with him on his suicide mission, to keep me from getting further maimed. “What about you, Zexion, how’s humanity treating you? We have so got to chat!” And I didn’t get the impression that Demyx and Ienzo were close when we were in the Organization, but the Demyx I’m talking to now feels a lot more like the Demyx I first met, and not the Demyx that fought Luxord to tell me that I was a Nobody, or the Demyx who was content to make his dying act something as noble as saving me. And I think that makes things all the more difficult.

“Whoa, back up. What?” Ienzo blinks, looking between the two of us. 

“Oh, sorry, sorry!” Demyx laughs. “I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m actually here on at top secret mission. Apparently, I’m so off everyone’s radar, that I’m just the guy to handle a special delivery.” 

“You bumbling fool, I told you to wait, have you no respect for--” A howl sounds off from within the portal. And I know that voice too. Vexen. He emerges from the portal with enormous, golden eyes peering around the room, and I think I momentarily sense Ienzo’s heart stop. I grab the younger boy by the top of the arm and draw him in just a bit closer to me, and he leans in, legs shaking. For the misery and the betrayal I felt upon seeing Luxord’s golden eyes, it must be nothing compared to the obvious betrayal of the person who raised you. “Ienzo, oh.” And Vexen stiffens before turning to me. “Oh, you’re here.” And he looks at me the way one might look at a cockroach. My grip on Ienzo goes tight.

“If Xehanort thinks using familiar faces is going to stop our research, he’s got another thing coming.” I snarl, resummoning La Luxure. Vexen snorts.

“Well, I never.” Vexen humphs. “See here, girl.”

“Rueki, no, we’re not here to fight you! We switched sides!” And Demyx says it as though it is the most clever thing in the entire universe. I raise an eyebrow, blinking at him, but Demyx’s enthusiasm does not waver in the slightest. I look to Vexen, who just looks exasperated that Ienzo and I have not already caught on. Ienzo looks at me, eager to believe but smart enough not to make decisions based upon his emotions. I run my tongue across my teeth as I debate.

“We haven’t the time for this, girl.” Vexen snaps. “Our desire for atonement motivated us, we seek redemption for our actions and have brought you a suitable replica rather than...that, as a show of good faith.” He waves a hand at the mess of ash that is my unstable replica.

“Uh, not me. I just think the whole darkness thing kind of blows. Way more effort than I planned for. So I’m just gonna do my own thing, but hey, I died for you, I don’t need to actually try to atone, do I?” Demyx rubs the back of his neck. 

My defenses do not wear down though. I roll my shoulders back, neck tight, protective instincts in full swing. Whatever Xehanort wants with Ienzo, he’s not getting, he will have to break my body clean in half first, and not just his lackeys, him. Demyx makes a face in protest, scratches the back of his head and laughs.

“You don’t believe us, but believe this...Ta dah!” And he waves his hands at the portal, and a whole lot of nothing happens. My eyes narrow, he laughs nervously. “Come on…” He whines, but then, something happens. A figure comes through, a man in the same black cloak, with long hair and amber eyes. My lips press together, thoughtfully. There’s something about--

“Master Ansem!” Ienzo gasps, all sense of reservation cast aside. He scuttles past me, all but tripping over himself as his suddenly doe like eye finds his old master. 

Ansem. Ansem the Wise.

But the man’s orange eyes tear my breath away. I gasp, clutching my chest as something grasps my heart and screams into it.

Roxas.

DiZ.

Everything clicks into place.

“You fuck.” I growl, lunging toward him, and I don’t know whether my own protectiveness or Roxas’ grudge have my most violent tendencies coming to a head. This man used my poor boy, and although his motivations were to save Sora, he treated Roxas and Naminé both like disposable pieces of trash, he meant to have Namine murdered and were it not for Riku’s pity, she, Lea and I would’ve been slaughtered a lot sooner. 

“Ope!” Demyx gasps, stepping aside, out of the line of fire, neither determined enough to fight, nor interested in saving a man he scarcely knows. But Vexen, on the other hand, has no such qualms and stands in front of me.

“Freeze!”

“Firaga!”

The storm that erupts around us causes someone--I’m not certain who-- to cry out. Ienzo drags the replica body away, Demyx ducks aside, Ansem backs away from the nightmare Vexen and I unleash. As the blizzard and flames dissolve, Vexen’s eyes are huge and my mouth is pulled into a feral snarl. There is tangible fear in his stance, anxiety in his gaze, his breath shakes. It wasn’t my intention --ice is just weak to fire, and I reacted, that’s all-- but the fact of the matter is, his assassin, my lover, murdered him in an unyielding blaze, very similar to the one I created. But any sympathy I once felt disperses as Vexen becomes the epitome of indignant. 

“You wretched creature, you forget so easily your alliance to the original Organization XIII and seek to crucify those of us willing to dirty our hands to atone for our sins?” He gasps.

“My alliance was to Axel, never to Organization XIII.” I snap, eyes whipping to Ansem. “He treated Roxas like a piece of garbage, that’s personal. Get in my way, and I’ll help you relive your final moments with Axel.”

“You think because you know a third tier fire spell--

“I have studied magic beneath the wizard Merlin, would you like to test my abilities?” I bark. 

“Rueki, hey, come on, we were friends!” Is Demyx’s weak protest. “I mean hey, even if you don’t trust him, trust me.”

“The way I would’ve easily trusted Luxord, had he not appeared with Vanitas, who would’ve killed me to find Ventus? Take the replica, we’ll figure out something without a seeker’s help.” I spit.

“What, another alchemical abomination?” Vexen scoffs, and this time, no one is quick to stop me from tucking my Knuckles in one hand and slapping him across the face with the other. My eyes burn into the tundra his expression has become. “Your creation was unstable, you arrogant child.”

“Even, please.” Ansem takes a step forward, looking just shy of sea sick. My fists tighten around La Luxure. I don’t know what I intend to do to him, surely Ansem isn’t fighting alongside the seekers, not by choice, but Roxas’ instincts combined with my own, scream for me to attack, to lash out at the dehumanization, the wrongs that this man must right. Vexen wants to speak of redemption, but where are his master’s apologies? Where is the atonement for Roxas, for Naminé?

For the girl Isa blames me for not being able to save?

“The girl blames me for my actions against Roxas and Naminé, for that I must accept the consequences.” Ansem meets me with steely eyes.

“You think knowing you treated my friend like a dog absolves you? You ordered Riku to kill Namine, Axel and I, why? Because we stood in your way? Because we were Nobodies and you were content with genocide?” I scream. Upon my shriek, Aeleus and Dilan rush into the room, all broad chests and fear for Ienzo I am certain, but both men are taken aback upon the scene at hand.

“Do you not realize the necessity of eradicating the original Organization XIII? Are you incapable of understanding that Xemnas’ actions needed to be halted?” Vexen scoffs. “For one who claims no allegiance to--”

“You love to fucking ramble, don’t you?” I snap. “Axel and I had gone rogue, we had bounties on our heads, we bargained for our lives so that Sora would absorb Roxas, my last act was trying to strike Saix down, so that Sora would have one less of you bastards to take out, I would’ve happily died to bide Axel more time, so that he could turn the tables on Xemnas and get his heart back, we’re on the same side but…” And I look away from Vexen and back to Ansem. “You looked a teenage boy in the fucking eyes and told him he didn’t have a right to exist. You spent how long experimenting on a young girl, just because she had no memories?” Although I have no loyalty to this girl, she meant something to Lea, everything to Isa, and were it not for her torture, who know how many wounds I would not have had to endure?

“You...how did you…” Ansem breathes, when his eyes find the scarf I wear. His mouth goes slack, lips forming an ‘o’. “The boy, the apprentice. Lea. You were the girl he met for ice cream with.”

“He uncovered your secrets, Xehanort is a piece of shit, but do you think you’re any better, do you think you somehow deserve redemption after everything you’ve done?” I ask.

“And what of the things you’ve done?” Ienzo’s voice causes my stomach to sink. I grit my teeth, grinding my molars against each other, but I do not argue.

“No.” I murmur, instantly losing traction. “No, I’m not under any illusion I do.”

“Rueki...I didn’t mean...it’s just that…” And poor Ienzo, raised by science, has come so far, but not enough to conquer the tremendous guilt that wakes me with a scream, without Lea burning brightly at my side, or Kairi lighting my darkness. A massive hand claps me on the shoulder.

“Peace, Ienzo.” Ansem says, dangerously close to me. “The girl only longs to avenge her friends, that I cannot shame her for.” His eyes find mine, and I think the only thing, the one scrap that prevents me from slugging him, is the sheer aura he emits. Wise, I don’t think is an understatement, there is something about him that is inherently trustworthy, which of course, puts me on edge just enough to keep me stationary. “You’re an alchemist, are you not?” And I’m sure he knows the answer to that, just based on the transmutation circle on the ground.

“Of course.” I mutter.

“I am under no impression that I will ever, in this life or any others, be able to atone for the actions I took when seeking revenge. Vengeance is toxic, child, the hatred I felt was corrosive and inspired only the worst in my own heart. I cannot pretend to know the suffering I brought to Roxas, to Namine, to anyone. But as an alchemist, I trust you understand my drive for equivalence. Perhaps, through enough effort, through enough good deeds, I may one day achieve equivalence. Perhaps one day, I may balance the scales of my actions.” And all of his words are nice, and I do understand his desire, but he brings to light flaws in my own design that I am uncomfortable exposing Revenge is my drive, hatred fuels me like a fire. I close my eyes and see golden ones with an ‘x’ between them staring back at me, and yes, I want to protect myself, yes, I want to stop feeling so weak, but above all, I want to dominate him, I want to see him powerless and empty, I want him to know how it feels to beg for life. I made a promise to Lea that sadism wouldn’t get the best of me, that I am not and will not turn into a monster. But I could. I could and it would be so easy.

I look away, squirming from under his grip, and grit my teeth.

“Fine. Fine.” I murmur. “You...have your reunion…” I barely touch Ienzo’s shoulder when he flings himself toward Ansem, and I am all but forgotten.

“They told me you’d gone mad. That you abandoned us. I was just a boy.” The words flood from Ienzo’s mouth with a vigor that I’m unprepared for. I turn to Demyx, mouth twisted into a pout.

“Sorry that I’m an untrusting bitch.” I mutter, low enough where only he can hear, low enough where it doesn’t distract from Ienzo’s moment. Demyx cracks a smile.

“Hey, I’ve been putting up with Larxene for the last little while. You’re a ray of sunshine.” He says, I chew my lip.

“After I saw Luxord it was just like...fuck it. And then you had golden eyes and… you deserve better, Dem. Better than dying for me, better than dying for Xehanort.”

“Come on, Rueki.” He puts an arm around me, patting me on the shoulder. “You know me. I’m not dying for anyone again, that’s exhausting.”

I try not to sniffle as I lean into him.

“You’re done, then?” I whisper.

“I mean, I’m not taking the heat for betraying Xehanort. Don’t be ridiculous.” He chuckles. “Besides, none of this was even my idea, I’m not getting shot for being the messenger.” 

“You know, I liked this whole you bringing us a replica thing better when it was your idea.” I say, because no, I do not have a deep hatred of Vexen, but there certainly is no lost love.

“Your ignorance is astounding. Truly, if you expected the Nocturne to concoct any sort of intelligent idea of his own accord, then you are more foolish than even I could fathom.” Vexen scoffs.

“Piss off.” I roll my eyes. 

“So easy to cast aside the endless work we put in for redemption. I, myself, should not even be here of late, but I simply would not leave Ienzo alone to reconnect the replica.” Vexen says.

“The boy is in good hands, Even.” Aeleus says, and this time, Vexen’s cocky demeanor seems to shift. He nods.

“As I’m sure he is Aeleus. However, replicas are my specialty, no?” He raises an eyebrow. “Still, even I could not have contemplated such a treasonous use for one, were it not for our source--”

“Source?” Ienzo, who has clearly had his moment with Ansem, looks to us with a wide eye. 

“Another wishes to atone.” Vexen says, and oh, does it silence the room.

“Is it Luxord?” I whisper.

“Um, no Rueki. Sorry.” Demyx mutters.

“Then get fucked.” I say, flatly. The room stills.

“Beg pardon?” Vexen scoffs. “Are you so keen to look information such as this in the--”

“Yeah, I am. And I’m the only one in this room fighting in the war. If it’s not Luxord, then I don’t give a shit. I trust the thirteen about as far as I can throw them, some even less, and if your motives are truly just about redemption, you could stand to be a little more skeptical about who you’re getting information from. If this replica in any way, shape or form harms Roxas, I’m connected to him, I’ll be the first to know, and that is not something that will be forgiven or forgotten.” I snarl.

“Your blind faith in a man without a moral compass is baffling, considering you are so ignorant to the desperate reaches for redemption by--”

“Wow, I really get why Larxene told you to shut the fuck up, literally all the time, old man. The whole ‘don’t trust Axel, he’s a prick’, thing is old. Lea is a better man than you have ever seen him, and how dare you make accusations for someone you haven’t had interactions with in years.” I bark back.

“You are a complete buffoon. Truly, girl, have you no respect for your elders?” Vexen scoffs.

“No, clearly not.” I roll my eyes. “Don’t come at Lea like that and not expect me to defend him. You have no idea what we’ve been through, no idea the hell we--”

“Oh, hell? Like being incinerated by the man you call a lover?” Vexen leers, and my fingernails pierce my palms as I try, with everything in me, not to leap out and slap him in the face. Again. The man is a scientist, the man cares for nothing beyond logic, and blinding anger aside, I want to win this argument. Not get swept aside and called an emotional little girl. Nevertheless, Demyx grabs my shoulder tightly. Not because he actually intends to hold me back, I think. No, I am willing to wager that Demyx just doesn’t want to burden himself with the mess of a fight. “The point, I was trying to make, would be clear to someone who isn’t easily baffled.”

Electricity begins to pop and crackle at my skin.

“Ouch!” Demyx yelps and draws his hand away from an unintentional shock as I try to keep the storm at bay. Must. Not. Light. This. Man. On. Fire.

“The man you share a bed with is not the only one who longed for redemption, you insolent, foolish girl.” Vexen sneers.

“Even please, be gentle. Rueki’s my friend too.” Ienzo protests, and although I hardly feel it is enough, I know for Ienzo, this is monumental. I cast him a steady albeit thankful gaze as Vexen balks, already oversized eyes growing huger. His gaze flies to Aeleus, who huffs a sigh.

“Not this, Even, please.” The stockier man begs.

“Had we not already agreed, Aeleus, on the caliber of person Ienzo should associate with, especially knowing what befell his birth parents or have you disregarded every single decision we have made on his behalf?” Vexen barks.

“I’m not a child any longer, Even.” Ienzo begs.

“The boy’s youth was robbed of him by our conquests, Even. He is allowed to make friends and mistakes in tandem.” Aeleus heaves a sigh.

“The boy was allowed plenty, thanks to the knowledge we presented him, he grew and matured at an impressive rate. Were it not for our ability to make the difficult decisions, he could’ve easily grown to end up like this!” And Vexen waves a hand at me. My nostrils flare, my pupils become tiny pinpricks. This asshole can get fucked.

“Um hey, not to be a nudge, but can we sneak the hell out of here?” Demx whispers, mouth suddenly close to mine and Ienzo’s ears.

“Yes, please.” I agree.

“Follow my lead, and please, be very, very quiet.” Ienzo whispers. And in the throws of their argument, Vexen and Aeleus are distracted enough where we are able to sneak past ,and down the hall. Ansem the Wise’s knowing eyes find us though, and he meets us with the faintest trace of a smile. 

Ienzo leads Demyx and I down a hall and through a series of tunnels, past a heavy door and types a passcode into a small, barely distinguishable keypad on the wall.

“We’re definitely getting murdered down here. Hope you told Axel goodbye.” Demyx whispers.

“Eat a dick.” I reply, Ienzo shushes us.

“Please, I'm trying to concentrate.” Ienzo mutters. He types a few more things in and suddenly, a wall comes sliding open. Demyx shrieks, all but jumping into my arms, and his sudden weight knocking into me causes me to stumble, struggling for balance.

“This is it. This is how we die.” He swallows.

“Only because I’m going to murder you.” I grumble.

“Come.” Ienzo chuckles. “We’re almost outside of the castle grounds.”

“And then what?” I ask.

“Do you or do you not owe me ice cream?” He asks and I smile.

“Yeah, I guess I can make that happen.” I reach out and squeeze his shoulder, shaking Demyx off of me. Ienzo chews his lip.

“Rueki, my intention wasn’t to...Certainly, I didn’t mean to attack you.” Ienzo murmurs.

“I know.” I nod as the three of us continue through tunnels. “I’m a brat, I get it, I need to be put in my place from time to time.”

“I simply sought to yield you, Master Ansem was like a father to me, warm where Even was cold. Xehanort has pushed us all to breaking points, prompted each of us to do things that we are not proud of in order to survive. None of us were our best selves, Master Ansem included, but Rueki, he is not inherently bad.” Ienzo says, and I think, of course he isn’t, but revenge is a powerful motivator and can skew a person far beyond what mere pressure from Xehanort is capable of.

“I know.” I say. “Some of that little moment was more Roxas than me. I get where he’s coming from. I don’t think I get to be his personal jury, I think that’s up to Roxas and Naminé. I’m lucky I got you.” I offer him an uneasy look.

“Do you not believe that you are worthy of absolution?” He asks.

“I think there’s still a long way to go before I can balance my own scales. And there are things that I’m going to do to tip them in the wrong direction before I right my wrongs.” I confess, dragging my teeth across my bottom lip.

“If you truly don’t think you deserve redemption, you’re incorrect, Rueki. What more could you be doing to atone?” Ienzo asks.

“I don’t think there’s any atoning for the fact that I murdered you.” I cross my arms to my chest.

Behind us, Demyx gasps and we both wheel around to find him grinning, idiotically.

“I knew it. Hey, Rueki, if you fight Larxene, will you tell her that you killed Zexion? She’ll owe me so much munny when she finds out.” Demyx offers a goofy little half smile. 

“The things you’re betting on are largely inappropriate.” Ienzo scoffs, with a raised eyebrow.

“Nah, Lea and I bet on who the seekers would be.” I shrug.

“Who’s winning?” Demyx asks.

“Me.”

“So he owes you a lot of munny too then? Awesome!” Demyx laughs.

“Oh no, not munny.” I grin, slyly.

“Ew.”

\--

My friends wait for me on a ledge that oversees town, the very same spot that Ienzo and I enjoyed ice cream at, as children. Long hair falling in front of me, I extend two sticks of ice cream to Ienzo and Demyx.

“Blue?” Demyx asks.

“Sea salt.” Ienzo corrects.

“Ever had?” I ask as they respectively take their ice cream sticks and I sit down in between them. 

“I don’t think so, but hey, who knows.” Demyx shrugs. I raise an eyebrow. “What, you think you’re the only one with no memories from before you were a Nobody?”

“But I have mine back now.” I say, exchanging an uneasy look with Ienzo. “I got them back when I was recompleted.”

“Well, hey. Most of the new Organization XIII are a bunch of replicas, our past essence from just before we faded. I tell you what, it sucked, being pulled like that, maybe even worse than the actual fading part…” Demyx explains. “But like, that means I never got recompleted, so hey, maybe some memories are there waiting for me.”

“Rueki is supposed to be an oddity on that front, Demyx.” Ienzo says, wrinkling up his face. “And more to the point, how did Xehanort get ahold of so many replicas?”

“I dunno.” Demyx shrugs. “I mean not all of us are replicas, I guess, just a lot of the old Organization XIII, those of us that you know, died. But like I’m still me.” And he is so unbothered by this, but the fact of the matter is that Demyx shared memories with me once upon a time.

“What do you mean you don’t have memories? What about that band you were in? Aquatica?” I ask. He rubs the back of his neck, looking really sheepish as he takes a bite of this ice cream.

“This is really good. Sweet, but salty.” Demyx says. I look at Ienzo, whose face is drawn into something between concern and curiosity.

“Dude.” I prompt, and if I am the gold standard of stubbornness, Demyx is the polar opposite, and I wonder, briefly, if either Lea or I could adopt some of this easygoingness, what wonders that could work on our relationship. Demyx throws a hand up and huffs.

“Fine, fine. Things just...I dunno, Rueki. There are thoughts, feelings. Words that randomly come into my mind, and I guess I just like to put them into a story. Aquatica is...something. And the only anything I’ve ever been able to summon is my sitar. So, I try to piece things together, and it just made sense, you know? Aquatica must be a band. I mean, I hate fighting, I only really like my music, why not a musician?” He takes another bite of his ice cream and I think I should probably be more angry with him. He’s another person to lie to me, and no, the lie was not toxic, but I’m so over being lied to. Alternatively, he also set me free from a death sentence in The Castle That Never Was, and for that, I suppose he gets a free pass. 

“For all the times I mentioned not knowing anything about my past, why didn’t you say you were in the same boat?” I ask. Demyx makes a whining noise.

“I dunno, Rueki. What was I supposed to say? What difference would it have made? I wanted it to be real, so why shouldn’t it be?” He asks. Ienzo tilts his head to the side.

“Perhaps if you were recompleted, Demyx, your memories might return.” Ienzo suggests.

“If that means getting killed again, thanks, but no thanks.” He makes a face and shakes his head.

“Come on, it doesn’t hurt that bad. Baby.” I tease. Demyx laughs.

“Yeah, your standard of pain isn’t exactly normal.” He reminds me.

“There are less painful ways to regain memory, if we can prepare a replica for Naminé, perhaps she could find a way to draw your memories to the surface.” Ienzo offers, but Demyx seems beyond uninterested.

“Eh, really guys, the whole memory thing isn’t a big deal to me. I just wanna kick back and play my music.” He replies. This doesn’t make a lick of sense to me, not in the slightest. Part of why I like Demyx so much is because of how laid back he is, but even this seems like the far end of extreme to me. For as many times as I told anyone who would listen, that I couldn’t miss what I never had, back when I was without my memories, that never made me any less eager to chase them. No, I didn’t miss anything, but I wanted everything back. I still want everything back. The bits that are missing from mine and Lea’s heart.

“But dude, you don’t remember anything or anyone. Don’t you want to...I dunno, like go find old friends?” I ask.

“Not everyone was childhood friends with their boyfriend, Rueki.” He waves a hand. “Besides. I’ve got you guys, you’re both cool. Luxord’s kind of...being standoffish, but hey, we were kind of friends. Larxene and Marluxia don’t really bug me so much anymore, I’ve got all I need.” He assures us. I look to Ienzo with my mouth pressed into a frown, because I have no idea where to start with this, and neither does Ienzo, though at least he tries.

“Well, when the war is over, perhaps the three of us should meet for ice cream more frequently.” He muses, looking over his ice cream, and my heart melts. Eleven years ago, a little blonde girl with an awful cowlick smiled at a little boy with sloppy blue hair and promised they’d have ice cream again, and although once this boy beside me was the subject of my nightmares, where pain once lingered, peace has returned. That little girl’s dream of seeing many worlds is a success. That little girl became a pilot, just like she swore she would, and now…

Now I think she might be okay with what I have become.

We’re sitting, all three of us, with feet dangling from the ledge, when footfalls fill the air. I look behind me and come face to face with Cid’s boots.

“Sup?” I look up further, craning my neck to meet my godfather’s eyes. 

“Ain’t you supposed to be working?” He asks, flicking the toothpick in his mouth. I offer a shrug.

“Just taking a bit of a break, Cid. There are a lot of visitors in the Castle. But we’ve made fantastic progress with the replicas, Ansem the Wise has returned.” Ienzo says, something about him so agreeable that my godfather heaves a sigh and crouches down onto his haunches. 

“That’s good, Ienzo.” Cid nods, eyes darting to Demyx. “Who’re you?” And he’s got such little tact that there is no mistaking him as anyone but the person who raised me. I bite back a smile, Demyx chokes a little, a big bite of ice cream in his mouth. I snicker.

“Cid, this is Demyx, my friend. Demyx, this is Cid, my godfather.” I say as Demyx swallows a huge hunk of ice cream.

“Uh, hey!” Demyx offers a little wave, but his voice cracks. Cid raises an eyebrow at me, I shrug.

“Can’t ya just go back to playing dolls with Yuffie?” He shakes his head.

“It’s okay, you’ll meet Del and Amaya eventually, they’re good kids, they’ll be my redemption.” I say. He snorts.

“Is this how they always talk to each other?” Demyx stage whispers to Ienzo.

“Usually there’s a lot more cursing. This is relatively mellow.” Ienzo murmurs. I roll my eyes.

“So what’s up?” I ask Cid, who instantly presses his lips together, mouth pale with tightness.

“Got a call from the old wizard.” He says and I sit up straight, color draining from my face.

“Is Lea--”

“He’s good, kiddo. Real good.” Cid shakes his head.

“Well what about Kairi?”

“Your friends are good, Rueki.” Cid heaves a sigh, as though I am exhausting, which is fair.

“So why do you look like I just drowned your goldfish?” I ask, making a face when I realize who I’m quoting. Never again.

“Merlin says the morning after tomorrow, he’s spitting your friends out in the Mysterious Tower. Sora’s done with his journey. The big bad’s knocking, kiddo.” Cid murmurs. My stomach drops, my insides twist, I think my blood has ceased to flow. 

Demyx and Ienzo still beside me and suddenly, their gazes are not soft and friendly, but take on the quality in which one might stare at an inmate on death row.

“Rueki…” Ienzo mutters.

“I have to go.” I blurt, clambering to my feet, Cid helps me up but I stumble away from him. “I’ve gotta say goodbye to Del and Amaya and--”

“You gotta sleep first, kiddo.” And he’s right. I’m not at an unheard of level of disorientation, but if the war is days away then… 

Then…

Ienzo climbs to his feet, Demyx follows after him. Ienzo squeezes my arm, Demyx pats my shoulder, and I hate this. Because this feels real, this is not a gentle moment of ice cream and laughter with my friends. This is the dawning.

There are a lot of generalized sympathies, a lot of ‘you’ll make it’ and ‘you’ll be just fine’ and I can process absolutely none of it. I follow Cid, empty and hollow back to his house, I drink tea, I fall asleep within seconds.

But I wake feeling anything but rested.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 26 also known as Dirty Talk 101 with our girl, Rueki

XXVI.

My hand shakes with a pen in it. 

Stop, I urge myself. This isn’t a death sentence, this is strictly precautionary and yet there is a finality staring back at me on this blank sheet of paper.

My free hand cards through my hair.

He needs this, he deserves this after losing each other once, but the longer I stand here, my precariously packed bags at my heel, the more I begin to feel like a frightened child and want to behave as such. It would be so easy to tuck myself away, to hibernate inside of the safe confines of my godfather’s house. Here, I could live a relatively happy, normal life for the rest of my days. I could drink knockout tea and drug myself until Lea comes to wake me and tell me war has been won. I could live as a fairytale princess, unconsciously floating by until my prince comes to wake me.

But I’m not a princess, I don’t get a happy ending without blood and grit and undiluted determination.

And even then, I am the human equivalent to a coin toss, suspended in midair, waiting for fate to determine my outcome. The inherent powerlessness makes me feel sick.

‘I just want you to know I’m going to be okay, no matter what happens, no matter how everything pans out, things went how I wanted them to--”

I scribble out that passage, pinching my eyes shut. Fucking words.

‘If I die, I die a hero, and you shouldn’t be sad for me--’

Nope, too cliche. Dammit.

‘I know we didn’t get a lot of time together, far less than we deserved, I want you to know I plan to come back, but if that doesn’t happen then--”

No, no. No ranting, no monologuing, Cid will hate that as much as I would. No, this needs to be concise, to the point.

‘Old man, I love you. It’s gonna be okay, you did good. Mom and dad would be proud, even though I’m an asshole

-Rueki’

A tear spills, hot and impossible down my cheek, onto the paper. Fuck, fuck it all. Sniffling, I wipe my eyes, set the pen down and tear my bags off the ground.

If I stay still any longer, I’m not going to leave, ever. But my fingertips brush the counter tops in Cid’s house and I don’t think of how I have already gone through the motions of packing my bags. I don’t think of how if I don’t leave now, I run into the risk of him waking up and having to choke on teary eyed goodbyes, which neither of us has the emotional capacity to handle. I don’t think that if I don’t leave now, I won’t have enough time to spend with Del and Amaya, I’ll be constantly watching the clock. I need to bother Amaya for a ship that can house all of the seven, Donald, Goofy and myself, the last thing I need to do is warn her that the war is approaching and that she needs to hustle with getting me a safe and decent method of transportation. Newly brave or not, Amaya is still, undeniably, too nice. She is still the same person who would gladly wear herself to the bone to help me.

Plus there’s the fact of the matter that I will need to look her and Del in the eyes and say goodbye, possibly for the last time. That’s taxing enough without the torture I’m inflicting upon myself and yet I think of--

There’s a chubby little girl with an awful cowlick and sea green eyes, climbing onto the counter tops so she can be that much closer to the sky. There’s the same little girl crying over a stubbed toe and squealing in delight over a missing tooth. There’s that child, still alive, still breathing within the confines of this house. There’s the little girl who needs her godfather to shield her from the harshness of reality, and I think that right now I am more her than myself. The hell I have seen is not something Cid should have to shoulder. He coped with my death once, he cared for Yuffie when her parents died, he endured my parents death, he watched this world end. He carries enough baggage without the weight of mine crushing him.

I chew my lip, the house begins to creak, my heart leaps into my too tight throat. I scoop my bags into my hands and take off to where my ship is still parked, not looking back even when I type in the coordinates to Transmute City and take flight.

Space is soothing, space clears my mind, space gets me borderline high, slowly but surely, my worries fall away, weight is lifted off of me. 

And I think I’ll call Lea, because where I still find comfort in the void of space, I look at the beauty of the stars, the constellations, the gems and rocks floating midair, and the only beauty I want to surround myself in is him and his. I don’t know how long it’s been for him since I last called him, but one day is plenty of time to go without talking to the man I love, and there’s plenty to update him on, with Demyx and Vexen being added to the mix.

I plug my phone into the port of my ship, project the screen with the quick press of a button, onto a much larger screen above my dashboard and select Lea’s contact.

The phone rings all of twice, and suddenly, I am greeted to the image of my lover with his coat unzipped, pants and boxers hiked down and rock hard cock in his hand.

Oh fuck.

“Hey!” And I don’t know how else to respond, my breath hitches, my heart hammers, I accelerate too hard and then brake too fast before finally slamming the button that settles me into autopilot. Lea is all wolfish grins and dark, heavy lidded eyes, and what I wouldn’t give to replace his hand with mine.

“Well look at that, beautiful as ever. Cid’s not around is he?” He asks, in a husky voice. I clear my throat.

“Flying solo. I’ve got just over twenty four hours my time before you arrive.” I sputter, and he chuckles.

“Are you blushing sweetheart?” He asks.

“Get your eyes checked.” Is my response. 

“Mmm, maybe I will, that is, if you wanna show me something to memorize.” And even on the screen, I watch his eyes drink me in, watch him linger over the nonexistent rise of my breasts, over the curve of my lips. 

“Dude, I’m like literally flying, I’m kinda...like…” And how do I tell him that I’m not getting naked and camming with him in the cockpit of my own ship? I’m a good pilot, I know how to properly evade, but that doesn’t account for all human error, even with autopilot set, I still need to have some sort of safeguards in case I run into any enemy ships. 

Abruptly, Lea is quite serious, he straightens out, and I feel bad. He does look so fucking sexy. And brazen as he is, I can’t imagine it was an easy feat, to decide to answer my phone call when he could, just as easily, have finished jerking off and called me back later.

“Want me to let you go?” He asks and I shake my head.

“No.” I say quickly, eyes finding him again. “I mean, I can’t join in, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help you…” I bite my lip.

“Yeah?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Stop asking stupid questions and stroke that cock for me.” Upon my words, Lea’s eyes immediately turn molten. He wraps a huge hand around the base of his cock and strokes slowly, from base to tip, throwing his head back and moaning loudly. I roll my shoulders back and cast aside shame like it’s my damn job. “Fuck, you look so perfect like that. Were you thinking of me?”

“You know I was. Thinking of that pretty pussy, that perfect ass.” He says, in a voice that hangs heavy in his throat as he pumps, a little quicker, up his shaft.

“Yeah? I bet you were. Can’t keep your mind off of me. Groping me every chance you get. I bet you’d die to taste my pussy right now, wouldn’t you baby?” I ask. “Wanna bury your tongue in me?”

“And squeeze your tits. Your ass.” He agrees, the muscles in his shoulders tensing as he squeezes the base of his dick, drags his hand up and swipes an eager thumb across the bead of precum on his head.

Shit.

“Greedy as hell, Lea. You never can get your fucking fill. You’d be happy just seeing me bent over, ass in the air, stomach on the bed. That’s be enough for you right now, wouldn’t it?” I taunt.

“Mmm, you know it would be, baby. Been looking at all of those pictures of you.” He whimpers, hips sputtering into his hand. The picture of him shakes, and I know it his hand trembling, and if I weren’t already aroused, the sheer concentration he is trying so hard not to break, would certainly do it for me. 

“But we both know you’re thirstier than that. You can’t just look, you need to touch, to taste. To be touched. Fuck, what I wouldn’t give to have my mouth wrapped around your cock instead of your hand. I want you to fill my mouth, I wanna swallow that hot load of yous, Lea.” And then, I bite my lip, very purposefully dragging my teeth across my lower lip, remembering his previous words. “These lips were made for sucking dick.”

“Fuck, Rueks.” He grunts, his pace picking up. I watch his eyes frantically move around as he struggles to find a place to prop up the phone. When finally he sets it on the nightstand, I watch him scrape the dull fingernails of an ungloved hand across his perfect abdomen, up his chest, against his nipples. The sharp hiss that fills my ears has me lifting an eyebrow. Huh. That's news to me. 

“Or maybe I could leave lipstick marks all over your neck and chest while I ride your cock. Mmm, it's been so long, Lea, I bet you'd stretch me so good.” I moan arching my back at the thought, and Lea groans noisily, choking on his inhale. Truly, it has only been two days, and not very long for me since the last time we fucked, but my words certainly do it for Lea, who picks up his pace, working his cock.

“Fuck, Rueks, I want that so bad.” And now he's straight up whimpering as he cups his balls and I think that I have never felt so sexy and so powerful in my entire life.

“As bad as you wanna bend me over? Watch me slip a finger into my ass? Work myself open so that you can ram your cock into this tight little asshole?” I ask. Lea chokes, a strangled sound spilling from his lips as his hips twitch into his hand.

“Rueki, please.” And I know what he is begging for and my distracted eyes are all too eager to watch.

“You wanna fuck my ass? Stretch me open, Lea. Pound into me, don’t hold back, baby.” I moan and a pathetic, desperate groan tears from his throat as hot come spills onto his hand. His shoulders fall back, his arms shake, his eyes roll back so beautifully, and I grin. “Really? Anal gets you there that fast?”

And I watch as he struggles back into coherency, coming up with a properly calculated response, considering he’s never actually fucked my ass.

“With an ass like yours, sweetheart, absolutely.” Good answer. His voice is still beyond breathy, he searches for a sock and wipes off his palm. 

“When we have our own place, then. Some time to ourselves, nothing else to do…” I trail off, taking the ship off of auto pilot, hands wrapping around the wheel.

“Shit, seriously?” He gapes, I shrug, feeling quite proud of myself.

“Sure. You want it that bad, you like it that much, then sure.” I concede.

“You’re okay with…” And I can tell he’s struggling for words, so I decide to save him.

“I love you. So yeah. I’ll probably like it too, because it’s you.” And I’m an absolute sucker for him, but I make a face like the very idea of enjoyment is cringeworthy. He chuckles, leaning back one arm propping up his head, the other grabbing the phone up again.

“You’re perfect, Rueks. Fucking perfect.” He shakes his head. “So, what’s up? Haven’t heard from you in too long.”

“Sorry, it’s only been a day, my time.” I make a face, genuinely apologetic, because truly, I miss him too. I would love to be curled into him right now.

“The different timelines thing sucks.” He says, eyes flicking up the ceiling. “It’s like...just when we got back together.”

“I know.” And I do, the ache is palpable. After being separated for so long, after things being on edge when we finally got together, after breaking up and things finally getting back to good, all I want to do is plaster myself to his side. For as much as I love and miss Kairi, he is the only person that comes ahead of her. “Soon, baby. We’ll get that house, be lazy as hell. Spend at least a week just banging all over the house. We’ll send Roxas out to play with his friends and just...destroy everything.”

“And, I reiterate. You are perfect.” He chuckles. 

“So are you, but keep it a secret, alright?” I ask. He laughs, I drum my fingers on the steering wheel. “Ienzo and I tried to create a body for Roxas.” I say.

“And how’d that go?” He asks.

“Pretty shit. Replicas have a pretty great tendency to be unstable, even with all of the correct ingredients to transmute.” I say. “But...Demyx showed up”

“Oh, really now?” Lea raises his eyebrows, and this time, I think I have genuinely shocked him.

“It gets weirder. He’s betraying Xehanort, regrets joining the seekers in the first place.” I say.

“Honestly, I’m shocked that Dem joined Xehanort in the first place, self preservation aside, it wasn’t as though he was actually a fan of anything the first Organization XIII ordered him to do.” Lea says.

“It was a safe bet, joining them. Their numbers are a lot better, all they have to do is cross blades with us, we actually have to win. You ally with the stronger side, you live. That’s all he really wanted, was to make it out to see the other end of this fucking disaster.” I explain.

“Well fuck.” Is Lea’s reply. “You okay? I know he was you friend too.”

“He’s different. Luxord...I guess…” I chew my lips. “I don’t like Saix. If I had it my way, you wouldn’t even want to be friends with him, just like I know, if you had it your way, I would forgive him in the blink of an eye, but I feel like this is my karma, for being so ignorant to what you wanted.”

“Hey, come on, this one isn’t about me, Rueks. I’m trying to be a good boyfriend and take care of you.” He insists, but I shake my head.

“Nah, don’t. I wasn’t a good girlfriend to you. But like...I want you to know, I get it. Sorry I was such a cunt to you.” One hand leaves the wheel on my ship as I start to smooth the pleats of my dress. 

“Didn’t we decide no more grudges? No need to apologize, we’re good. We’ve been good.” He assures me, and I think I could comfortably disappear into the warmth of his words.

“I can’t wait to hold you again.” I say, pressing my lips together. 

“Yeah, well, the sentiment is returned. It’s been too fucking long.” He mutters...and then, makes a face. “Is that my scarf?”

“Ha!” I laugh. “Yeah, I can’t believe you’re just now noticing.”

“I was a bit busy stroking my dick, in case you missed it.” He reminds me. “Where did you find that, I thought it was lost.”

“You must’ve left it in your locker when you were an apprentice. Ienzo found it and now it’s mine.” I grin.

“Yeah? You’re just gonna steal my clothes?” He teases.

“That’s literally the only reason any girl ever dates any guy ever. Otherwise we would all just get with girls and eat nothing but cake and pussy all day.” I roll my eyes.

“Huh, well, guess it’s a good thing you look hot as hell in that.” He says.

“Really? You think I look sexy in a scarf?” I raise an eyebrow.

“I think you’d look sexy only wearing my scarf.” He counters. I smirk, he does too.

“Let’s put that one on the back burner for when we have a house, too.” I suggest.

“You give a guy a lot to look forward to, Rueks.” My heart could melt at his words. 

“What was it you said? The sentiment is returned.”

We talk the rest of the way to Transmute City, him telling me all about everyone’s progress, me waiting on his every word.

And it is so stupid, so naive of me to think this, but I cannot help the errant thought that crosses my mind. With Lea and I perfectly settled into one another’s rhythm, we no longer beat against each other like tectonic plates shifting or waves crashing into the beach. Instead, he merely licks along the edge of the shoreline of all that I am, and I think that perhaps, if there ever were a truly natural state to my being, it would be this.


	27. Chapter 27

XXVII.

My ship lands in Transmute City and I disembark with every bit of urgency my body can muster. 

I am fast, speed is my strength, and yet my legs feel stunted and stubby as I bolt through the cold, wind crashing into my hair on my way home. Del and Amaya sit in the living room on the couches, breakfast on each of their laps. Their heads are tucked together, though I don’t get the immediate air of intimacy, but rather a need for quiet. 

Thank fuck, the baby is sleeping.

Gingerly, with as careful of actions as possible, I tuck the door shut behind me, but Del and Amaya both look up, and I am met by two very tired pairs of green eyes.

“Did you guys do it? Did you win the war?” Del asks, excitement lighting his features, though Amaya is becoming worlds more wise. With a skeptical gaze, she tilts her head to the side and I notice that once again, she has cut her hair, though it is a far more elegant and sleek, ear length bob, rather than the singed mess that was left following her accident.

“It hasn’t even begun.” I shake my head.

“But you’ve been training for a long time.” She says, and I suppose I’m not the only one who can sense the odd side effects of my being stuck in a hyperbolic time chamber.

“Yeah, in a place where time doesn't exist.” I say, Amaya makes a face.

“That's so cool!” Del’s eyes light up.

“How does that work?” Amaya asks, and I think leave it up to the mechanic to try to figure out the logistics of time travel. 

“No clue, to be honest. Every time I try to ask the wizard we're training with, I wanna pull my hair out.” I confess. Del laughs, Amaya smiles, whole and hearty as she rises.

“Well, you look lovely.” She says, setting her empty plate on the table. 

“So do you. I love the hair.” I say.

“Thanks. It's just easier to deal with now that it's not long.” And I feel that. “I wish I knew you were coming though. I would've made you breakfast.” 

“This wasn't exactly planned.” I toy with the fabric at the edge of my hoodie. “We've got two days until the battle.” The weight of my words seems to cripple Amaya, but Del straightens himself up, squares his shoulders and clears his throat. 

“Are you ready?” He asks.

“As I'll ever be.” 

“You're here to say goodbye.” Amaya whispers and my breath catches in my throat. Del grips her shoulder. I walk over and wrap my arms around both of them.

“Let's hope not but...I didn't exactly plan any of the other times I died.” My voice is barely above a breath as Del’s arms encompass both Amaya and I. I feel Amaya's shoulders shake and clatter against me with repressed tears, and Del, for his effort, is a rock. He squeezes both of us, presses his lips to the top of our heads and this is where I crack. My fingernails bite into them, I draw a shaky breath and I think fuck, I am face to face with my own humanity and this time I actually want to live. This time, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I want so badly to make it to the other side. When I stood toe to toe with Saix, I had lost faith, I had given up the very desire to live, because that life I had was built around survival and the one thing, the one person who encompassed hope for me had just sacrificed his life. But my once disposed of friends have grown back into me, I have reunited with my family, I've got friends now. And Lea still shares a bed with me every night. My heart is whole and my life is full and I don't want to lose any of it. The anxiety, the crippling panic, the violence all seem to fade into the background as I think of Roxas’ smile, Kairi's eyes, Cid's laugh, Del and Amaya's embrace, Lea's kiss. 

“You've been training for so long, Rueki. You've got this. You're stronger than you were before.” And I don't know who Del is trying to assure more, himself or me or Amaya, but the brightness in his voice makes me wish I could be the type of person who has faith. I nod against him and Amaya, teeth clamped down on the inside of my cheek to snuff out any trace of protest. “You're gonna be okay.”

And I think that is true, because now I have no intentions of killing myself to avenge anyone. Maybe the sheer amount of effort I put into making it out alive will preserve me, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

“Right, right.” Amaya agrees, sniffly, struggling for breath. 

“It'll be fine, I'll be good. This time I won't be fighting alone.” And I think about Roxas’ promise to be there for me when I need him most and despite my inclination towards disbelief, if there ever were someone to believe in, for me it would be Roxas. 

“You'll be safe, you'll come home.” Amaya assures us both and, with weary eyes, she pulls away, wiping tears from her cheeks. Del and I pull apart, simultaneously as well, eyeing her anxiously. “Okay, no more.” And truly, she does put a cap on it just like that, flashing us a blinding and genuine smile. “How's your ship, let's work on that. How long do we have you for?”

“The whole day, I'll have to leave before either of you are up tomorrow. So we'll have to hit the hay a little on the early side, but I didn't wanna miss out on time with you guys.” I confess and Del laughs.

“Who are you and what have you done with Rueki?” He asks.

“Well fuck you then, I'll stop being nice.” I place a hand on my hip.

“No, don't stop.” Amaya shakes her head. “This is nice. We won't try to stop you from leaving, but please, don't stop coming home. This is a nice change, Rueki.” And I don't want to think about the changes I've made and how it all implies I'm a lot more codependent than I want to be. I don't want to think, days before the biggest battle I've ever known, that I am needy. There are too many lives that I need to defend, my own included, now is not the time to be soft, now is the time to survive.

“So my ship works great, but I wouldn't hate something a little bigger if you've got a loaner hanging out somewhere. I've got a bunch of people to tote around.” I say, toying with a stand of my hair. Amaya meets me with a proud grin.

“Who do you think you're talking to, Rueki? I built Sora a ship in a day, you think I can't take care of you?” 

And with the promise that Del will stay back to care for Lucidia and see us when we’re done, Amaya and I depart for the shop, her donning a jacket, me wrapping Lea's old scarf a little tighter around me. 

Within minutes, Amaya is ordering me to pull parts, and while the shop is larger and more updated looking, most of it is arranged the same. I nab parts by the handful as I follow her into the garage. She turns on the light and I raise an eyebrow.

“This is huge, what do you need all this for?” I ask, starting at the newly expanded garage which is easily five times its former size and painted white. Amaya meets me with an eager smile. 

“You’d be surprised, usually I'm busy enough that all of these spots are full.” She says, leading me over to where a lone ship resides. It is admittedly gigantic and possibly the largest craft I've ever thought to pilot, but it's new, nice. Everything about it screams streamline, aerodynamic and powerful, despite its outrageou size. 

“Cuz the bratty pilot quit?” I ask. She giggles.

“I think it has more to do with the fact that word got out that I’m the one who repaired Sora’s ship.” She offers. “There’s something in the air, though, Rueki. It’s like this world, and all of the others, according to the pilots, are holding their breath. It’s like something greater knows the peril that we’re in.”

“I’ve met something greater. He’s a douchey teenage boy. I don’t think he gives a quarter of a fuck about what’s happening to the worlds.” I say, and I catch myself, realizing she has no idea who the hell Joshua is and has never encountered someone who presents themselves as a higher power. Amaya blinks at me, shakes her head and begins to lower the ship toward the ground. 

“Funny, I thought you didn’t believe in something greater.” She says, making a motion for me to set the Gummi Blocks down.

“I don’t in that sense, but I’m not so blind that I hang onto criticality for the sheer joy of it. I’ve been dead, I’ve been in some sort of limbo-afterlife combination where I was able to convene with the dead. I played a game with a group of dead kids trying to come back to life on another plane. I met the would be God of that world, and he is indeed a douchey teenage boy. Maybe all of that stuff exists, but it’s not so good or pure like we’re made to believe.” I say, lowering myself and the Gummi Blocks to the floor. 

“Pass me the Gungir-G.” Amaya says in a stern voice as she slides beneath the newly lowered ship. I see a glow from beneath the craft as she presses her palm to a touchpad. And I do, but I watch her mouth twist and her brow furrow. “I can’t wait for you to make it out of this. I know it wore on you, having to essentially raise Del and I. You babysat us for so long and then the second you got away, you were thrust into danger. You’ve spent all of your life scraping by but Rueki, the world is a lot brighter than you think it is. People are inherently good. There is hope, there is light.”

“I know there is, Maya, I’m not dumb. And this isn’t going to be a therapy session. Whatever is happening in the worlds, I’m sure it’s a bunch of superstitious old pilots, acting like idiots.” And then, in a quick albeit dirty move to distract her, I react. “Did I tell you I found out my parents were pilots? Lost in space when I was a kid.” 

“Ultima-G, please.” She says after inserting the first block into the ship’s core. “Rueki, that’s awful, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t remember them, Maya, it’s not the end of the world. It’s just crazy. Subconsciously, I must’ve remembered that I dreamt of exploring the stars, not disappearing like them, not fading away, but seeing every world in the realm.” I smile.

“It’s in your blood. Do you remember how natural flying came to you?” She asks and I laugh because I do.

“Nothing like alchemy. Or magic. It sucks actually having to work at things.” I say. From where she’s at under the ship, I can still see her grinning.

“You sound like Del. Back when he was on that kick about protecting me from everything, just after you left, he tried and gave up everything and pouted, because alchemy and fighting came so easy to you, according to him.” She says.

“Did he somehow miss all of the times I threw a tantrum because I couldn’t transmute something? Or how many times I had to stitch myself up, because he can’t be trusted with a needle and blood makes you sick?” I ask. She laughs again, and I realize, I’ve missed this sound. I miss moments like this with her, moments that I used to take for granted before I left, mostly because Amaya and I were on such different pages in life, and that’s not to say that we still aren’t, but we’re older now and certainly a little better at meeting in the middle. 

“You know Del. He tends to skim past things he doesn’t want to see, some things never change.” She reminds me.

“Guess not. How are things going on that front? Is he still chasing you?” I ask. She rolls her eyes and oh, not a good sign.

“Not as intently, but that makes it even worse, I think. He’s a rock, Rueki, and he’s a good politician, he’s charming, it works for him, I know I don’t need to tell you a job where he talks to people and shakes hands all day long is perfect for Del. People love him, he’s done so much for Transmute City, and he doesn’t put pressure on me. But every now and then, I think I’m laughing and having a good time with my friend, and I’ll catch him look at me in a way that you don’t look at your friends with and it just…” She chews her lips. “I’ve never had to be the bad guy.”

“It’s ass.” I agree. “But his feelings aren’t on you, Amaya. Maybe you guys should try living apart or something. You both seem to be doing well enough, the house has got to be paid off by now.”

“I know, I know. It’s just harder with Lucidia. I told you, I want her father to be a huge part of her life. I just wish that this could be as platonic for Del as it is for me. I do love him, I wouldn’t mind spending forever with him. But it’s the same way I love you and wouldn’t mind spending forever with you. You guys are my family, that’s all.” She explains.

“Lea and I are gonna start looking for houses, after this is all done. Lots of guest rooms is kind of a requirement for us. You and Lucidia should stay, whenever you wanna get away.” And I mildly regret the offer the second it leaves my lips, but only mildly, because Amaya will always be Amaya and the look she offers me tells me that she would never consider doing anything that would impose herself or her child upon me. And I don’t need to worry that, as I detox, she and her child will be there, caught in the crosshairs. I doubt real life will be easy to adjust to, that normalcy will be a comfortable thing to settle into, considering how impossible peace feels, even now.

“I couldn’t possibly, Rueki.” She shakes her head. “That’s a sweet offer though. No. I’ve let you figure enough out for me, while I grew up. Let me figure this one out on my own, that way I’m seasoned enough to one day offer Lucidia some advice.”

“Well hey, how about we even the score then.” I say. She pokes her head out and raises an eyebrow. “I took care of you as kids, maybe, if you can help and...you know...if you are interested, which, just say if you’re not. Maybe you could consider hiring me back as your pilot.”

Silence falls, Amaya blinks.

“Are you applying for a job?” She asks.

“If you’ll have me, but Maya, don’t do anything to put yourself into a rough position, just to help me out, because I will tell Del to snoop on you, and if he sees you struggling with bills cuz you’re paying me, he will tell me and I’ll--”

 

“Are you kidding? Of course I’ll hire you. Oh, Rueki, this is wonderful. I’ve been so busy, I need the help, you know how to assist, you know the lay of the store, you’re a great pilot. And don’t worry about me, I told you, the shop is doing very well. Del is doing very well. I can afford you.” And it seems to take every bit of her concentration to lure her back under the ship, and not throw her arms around me. “When can you start?” She asks, I laugh.

“Um, how does I’ll let you know after I know how much this battle dings me up, sound?” I ask.

“Fine, as long as you promise to call me to let me know the second it’s all done.” And I know this has nothing to do with the job and everything to do with the girl I used to mother, mothering me. It is quite a foreign feeling, and the thought of Amaya waiting on a call that I dread to think may never come makes me sick.

But then again, isn’t this just a little more incentive to keep my ass alive?

Whatever it takes.

“Deal.”

\--

Amaya is done modifying the loaner ship before Del even comes to meet us, and when we get back to the house, we discover that it is because he is playing housekeeper. Lucidia is in a high chair, staring with huge, green eyes up at Del while he stirs a pot with one hand and holds a phone to his ear with the other. He meets us with a binding smile that only Del can offer as he speaks to whoever is on the other end.

“No, and we can hold a press conference for --” 

And that is the extent of the conversation I pay attention to, because Amaya gasps loudly.

“Did someone miss mommy?” She asks and Lucidia squeaks so loud, I clamp my hands over my ears. Amaya swoops in like a hawk and scoops the baby up into her arms, and I think damn, if there is such a thing as a person having a ‘calling’, motherhood is it for Amaya. Her excitement, her warmth, her love feels contagious, and for the first time I think ‘poor Del’. Because it must be wonderful to be loved the way Amaya loves Lucidia. Of course he longs for that. The one of us who doesn't have someone to pour their entire heart into. 

I clap him on the shoulder as I walk past Amaya and Lucidia.

“How can I help?” I whisper, trying to keep my distraction to a minimum. Del chokes down a loud snort, clamps a hand over the speaker and whispers

“You can't cook.”

“Go to hell, I can stir.” I retort. He rolls his eyes with a smile on his face but still hands me the spoon.

“Slowly.” He whispers, fucker. I'm not that incompetent. But he walks to his jacket, shuffles to pull it on and heads out the door, still on the phone. Amaya saddles up next to me, bouncing Lucidia on her hip.

“Work, I'm sure. He's been so busy lately. We both have, truly, Rueki, it'll be so nice to have you.” She glistens as she chirps at me. “You'll be back. We'll have you home.” 

“I don't plan to live here, Maya. Lea and I are looking in a place called Twilight Town.” I confess. “Much better weather, the sun actually comes out.” 

“But we'll get to see you again, more than just once every couple of months. And you know, not beaten up.” She laughs and I know she means this as a joke, I know she really is just elated to have me as a permanent fixture in her life, but I think of Demyx and Ienzo and the pathetic looks they cast me, and my stomach drops. Keep it in, I think, keep it together, don't make eye contact. I'm going to live, I'm going to see the other side, there's so much of the future, my future that I have planned and am excited for. Too many people I love that I want to make a lifetime more memories with. 

I don't want to die, I want to live so badly it hurts, and the weight of it all falls on my shoulders, too heavy to bear.

Poor, poor Atlas.

“Can you stir this? Del knows I can’t cook.” I chew my lip. “I wanna run and restock some supplies, I’ll be right back, I promise.” I assure her. Amaya laughs, balancing Lucidia on one hip, as she grabs the spoon from my hand with the other.

“Sure, sure.” She says and offers me a glowing smile. “Hurry back.”

The frigid air bites into my skin, it whips my hair, reddens my cheeks and clears my mind. In the cold, I am safe, in the cold, all I can focus on is the chattering of my teeth and the growing numbness in my hands. 

There is a familiarity in the iciness that brings me comfort and encourages me to sink down into an alley just past the house. 

With the wave of my hands, I summon La Luxure, and absently begin drawing light circles, against the pavement, with my blades. My mind starts functioning on overdrive, fantasizing about a Transmutation Circle that might be able to tether Roxas’ body to a replica, as a failsafe. 

“Aren’t you cold?” Del’s voice nearly makes me jump, instead, my head jolts back as I stare up at him. He stands at the edge of the alley, cigarette lit and dangling loosely between his fingers.

“Aren’t you sick of hacking up a lung?” I ask.

“Haha. I’m a politician, Rueki. I need a vice.” His spare hand slips into his pocket as he comes over and sits down beside me. “You want one?” 

“I’m good.” I say. “Aren’t you supposed to be working?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be stirring?” He counters. I roll my eyes.

“I dunno, I just wanted to get out of the house for a minute.” I say.

“Why’s that?” He asks.

“You’re nosey.” I say, leaning forward, propping my elbow on my knee as I vanquish La Luxure.

“And you’re fighting with Knuckles.” He says. “You hate Knuckles.”

“The lady at the weapon shop is a cunt. They never restock.” I say.

“Well, home’s peaceful now.” He rubs the back of his head, retrieving the hand from his pocket. “It’s actually kinda boring without you here to cause trouble.”

“Piss off, I taught you and Amaya how to be adults.” I remind him, and oh how his face glows as I recite her name. Damn, that is bad. Poor Del, poor Amaya. 

“That you did. I can tell she's happy you're coming back around. Thank you. I'm happy too. Life isn't the same without you.” He says. 

“I wanted to at least come back one more time. You two are a lot less annoying now.” I grin lopsidedly at him, but Del makes a face before taking one more drag from his cigarette, ashing it and immediately relighting another.

“You mean you came to say goodbye.” He murmurs. I stiffen, rubbing my hands across the pleats of my dress.

“I don't plan to die.” I say in a voice barely above a whisper. 

“Heroes never do.” He insists. I snort. 

“I'm no one's hero.” I say, flatly. “Sidekick would be a flattering over statement. More like an angry bitch with a grudge.”

“Heroes never call themselves heroes.” He grins, knowingly, as though he has somehow become wise. I narrow my eyes.

“You're a pain in my ass, you know?” I ask, he cackles. 

“And yet here you are, actually expressing your feelings. That's a pretty big growth arc on your part.” He reminds me. I roll my eyes.

“I'd consider this a moment of weakness, I wouldn't exactly call this a win.” I mutter.

“Well hey, it's pretty cool in my book!” He grins, and despite having heard him compared to Roxas on the looks front, I think he might remind me more of Demyx right now than anyone. 

“You're such an idiot.” I say, offering a half smile I simply cannot repress. Del may be an idiot, but I wouldn't have come back for anything shy of a lovable idiot. He's always made me feel silly and happy, even when there's not a reason to feel either and I think that’s what I like most about him. I think that's why I'm friends with the boy who thought I was an alien, in the first place.

“Got a bad case of hero worship, what can I say?” And we laugh stupidly, endlessly, with shaking shoulders and tears in our eyes, what a nice release this is. Unwinding my muscles, casting aside my anxiety, unbottling everything that has been twisting my insides for far too long. “Does Amaya know you mean this as goodbye?”

“I fucking don't, Del!” I snap, hands clenching into fists. He pauses and takes a drag. 

“I believe in you, Rueki, but I know you well enough to know you don't do pleasantries. You wouldn't be here right now if on some level you didn't think that maybe you might not come back.” He says, as though I need reminding. I roll my lower lip between my teeth. 

“I am...fucking scared. All they have to do is clash blades with us...they don't even have to win. We do. I've fought battles before, but I've never fought a war. And it's not just me, it's people I love, people I can't stand to lose.” I confess. “The odds aren't in our favor either.” 

“You’re stronger now, Rueki. And you…” He chuckles, softly. “You’re stubborn. I’ve seen you fight Heartless, I know how you fight and if you don’t want to stay down, it doesn’t matter what gets thrown at you. You don’t. You get back up, no matter what happens.You’re like a cockroach.”

“Have I told I’m glad we broke up?” I raise an eyebrow. He smiles, wildly

“The point is, anything you put your mind to, you do. You don’t give up, ever. If you believe that you’re gonna make it out, you will.” He insists. I twist my mouth, eyes flicking aside. I think it’s fucked, that after all of my faults and failings, Del still believe in me like this, but I suppose with a blade in my hand and the greater good as my stance, of course he was bound to believe in me. So I shrug, but don’t protest further. “Have you talked to Amaya about this?” He asks, and again, I notice the way her name lights him up.

“Fat chance. I’d like to not give her a heart attack.” I say.

“It’s funny, when you left to find Lea, I wanted you to stay home longer. You weren’t ready, I didn’t think You deserved to rest, you were gonna destroy yourself, but Maya told me to leave you alone, because you were gonna do what you wanted for love.” He says. “But you’re right. She probably wouldn’t let you leave if she knew you were scared.”

“So, keep your mouth shut, and let’s pretend I’m not feeling anything.” I say, smoothing my dress. And I think that if not pressed, it would be so easy to not feel a thing at all. “And while we’re at it, you should probably start pretending too or you’re gonna scare Amaya off.”

Del pales.

“She told you that?” He asks.

“No, she’s too nice.” I say, figuring that there’s no sense in telling him her exact words. “But she’s not stupid, she knows you still want to get with her, and she doesn’t want that, I know it sucks dude, you both deserve to be happy, but move on, or you’re going to lose her as a friend too.” And I’m surprised by how well it works, deflecting like this. But suddenly, Del cannot meet my eyes and I can tell he’s lost in thoughts of Amaya, my woes all but lost in his mind.

“You know, I'm not trying to. Really I'm not. I love her, and not just in like an I want to be with her, way. I want her to be happy, Rueki, she's the most perfect person I know.” He takes a drag of his cigarette and makes a face. “Uh, sorry. You know what I mean. No offense.”

“None taken, it’s better that we’re both on the same page about me being a human trash reciprocal. Anyhow.” I prompt and he nods.

“Right. I just...I want to make her so happy, and Lucidia too. Even if Maya and I aren’t together, she deserves to feel like a queen. But like…” He inhales, exhales, takes a drag, exhales then looks to the ground. “I’m just fucking over it, Rueki. She doesn’t want me, that’s okay. I don’t want her to feel like I’m pushing her, and to be real, I’m just trying to set her up good before I take off.” He explains and I blink, eyes wide and quizzical.

“Dude, what?” I ask. He offers me a little half smile.

“You sure you don’t want one?” He asks as he ashes his current cigarette, pulls out another one and lights it.

“Pretty sure breathing is going to be top priority when I’m fighting a war, but thanks for the offer.” I say dryly. He snorts.

“Guess maybe that’ll make it easier to quit.” He mutters. “Being a councilman is cool. I get to talk to a lot of people, I get to do a lot of good for this world, and that’s awesome. Amaya is flourishing, my schedule is reasonably flexible, there’s not really an issue when it comes to childcare for Lucidia. But even when I’m done in office, I’ll still be on salary for the rest of my life with them. It’s unfair, but it’s lucky for us and...I just look at you, Rueki. You’re off fighting the good fight, you’re flying to so many worlds, you’re strong, you’re learning magic and I just...I haven’t forgotten our dream. You’ve seen your home world, I know, but there’s still so much out there for me to see. I’m not ready to just settle in here. I wanna finish my term up, set Amaya and Lucidia up good, all of my money can go to helping out with childcare and raising Lucidia, I don’t need much but I just don’t think that this is where one adventure ends and another begins.” And he’s got this dreamy look in his eyes and I think, this is it. This is why a younger version of me thought that she could fall in love with Del. In his eyes, dreams become reality, in his heart, all is possible. Del believes in anything and everything, and eternal child, forever hopeful and maybe that’s why the people of Transmute City believe in him too. I reach out and squeeze his free hand, and he looks like he has been stricken. It dawns on me that even when we were together, there was never this kind of openness, there were never soft moments like this. There was excitement for adventure, there was Del trying so hard to be everything to me, there was me, trying so hard to feel something back, because I was the one who wanted to be with him, shouldn’t I feel something? Shouldn’t it be easier? And then there was us, struggling to fit Amaya and her injuries into our already forced relationship, and I suppose what our younger selves missed was that this, right here, just like this, is all we needed. My friend, someone to stare at the stars with, and dream of possibilities. 

“Well, lucky for you, I’m sure there are plenty more adventures to be had.” I shrug. His eyes widen, he smiles from ear to ear, contagious as all hell and I catch myself smiling.

“You think so?” And I know he genuinely cares, because if I still have hope for things to come, then truly, the future he wants must be real. It’s cute, how despite everything, Del still thinks I have it all figured out.

“I’ve been in space, Del. I’ve seen so many worlds. I think it’s fucking dumb at this point, to think that you won’t be able to find your way into an adventure if you try hard enough. To think that way isn’t cynical, it’s ignorant. I’ve seen enough to know, if you go searching, you’ll inevitably find something.” I confess.

“Yeah.” He smiles, breathy and excited. He squeezes my hand back and takes a drag of his cigarette. “I can’t wait.”

“I know.” Just like I couldn’t wait, two years ago. Just like I cannot wait to settle into something fun and leisurely now. For Del’s sake, I do catch myself hoping that there is a great adventure, full of light and wonder, waiting for him.

\--

I slip out before Del and Amaya wake. I had settled into a tea induced sleep sometime in the early afternoon and set an alarm on my phone for a too early to function time in the morning. I shower, I brush my hair, I apply lipstick and mascara. I write a quick note telling my friends that I love them and then crumple it up, because I am going to live, and I am going to make it to the other side to tell them I love them. Just like I will do the same for Cid. And then, I depart, into the still darkened morning.

The streets of Transmute City are frigid and I realize, abruptly, that I left Lea’s scarf at Del and Amaya’s but don’t dare to go back. I know if I do, it will make departure that much harder.

I’m halfway to my ship, down a poorly lit alleyway when a familiar voice floods my ears.

“Well what do you know, red really is your color.”

Every hair on my body stands up perfectly straight, and it has nothing to do with the wind.

“Is there something wrong with your brain, where you think it’s appropriate to sneak up on unsuspecting, young girls in dark allies?” I ask, gritting my teeth.

“Hey, I’m a bad guy, remember. Gotta play the role.” I hear the sound of Xigbar’s footfalls behind me, I roll my neck and turn around to meet his glinting golden eye.

“Mmm, and if I’m a hero, does that mean I should put La Luxure through your neck right now?” And with the flick of my wrists, I summon my Knuckles to my hands. Xigbar pauses, eyebrow arched, lips pushing into an upturned quirk.

“Whoa, whoa, I was just in the mood for a little playful banter, no need to get violent, little Rueki.” He teases. “But now that we’re at it, what did you call those fun little blades of yours?” He asks. I roll my eyes. I swear, if their name is fodder for a tragic pickup line, I will have no qualms in smacking him.

“La Luxure.” And to my surprise, he doesn’t attempt to hit on me. Instead, he clutches his abdomen, howling out a laugh, shoulders shaking with true amusement, something I wasn’t even aware that Xigbar was capable of.

“Oh fuck. Damn.” He shakes his head, wiping a stray tear from the corner of his eye. “Listen, kiddo, I promise, one day this’ll be real funny to you too.”

“And I can promise you, one day I won’t even remember your name. Leave.” I order, because until I see him open up a portal and promptly get the hell out of here, he’s going to have to deal with me. This is my home and I will defend it with everything in me.

“Ouch.” Xigbar stands up a little straighter and crosses his arms to his chest. “You really suck at the whole pleasantries thing. I mean I actually thought there’d be a little more begging. ‘Oh please don’t hurt my boyfriend on the battlefield tomorrow’. Come on, kiddo, talk about being out of character.” 

“Lea can defend himself. Besides, you’re mine.” I snap.

“You really know how to sweet talk a guy.” He rolls his visible eye. “Fine, you wanna fight? Why don’t you show me what you’ve got?”

And before he can even summon his Arrowguns into his hands, I leap at him, legs tight around his waist as my body crashes into his. But he laughs, lips at my ear.

“Too slow.” And he teleports away, halfway across the alley. He locks his crosshairs onto me and as a barrage of bullets come raining down from the sky, I scream.

“Reflega!” And the bullets crash into my perfect barrier, only to go sailing back, ricocheting directly back at Xigbar. A stray one catches him, he grunts and teleports away from his own line of fire just as I stand tall and my barrier dissipates. “Magnega!” The sudden jolt that draws Xigbar back to me causes him to gasp, but he’s smart, and though he cannot get away from my spell, he still manages to pull the trigger on his Arrowguns. With one spell in the works, I can hardly use another and am left to use the guards on my arms to defend against his attacks. I move my arms at a rapid fire pace and do manage to absorb most of his bullets, but a traitor, a stray nails me directly in the leg, tearing through my skin, against a particularly nasty scar Saix already left on me, forming a perfect ‘x’. I grunt, knees buckling as I fumble forward, grasping the hood of his coat.

“As if.” He laughs, and suddenly, the ground is the ceiling and the sky hangs endlessly below us, but I am no longer a slave to the shifting of gravity. My muscles don’t burn, I feel no pain, but I am also completely coherent as I wrap my legs around Xigbar’s waist and push my body into his.

“Thundaza.” And this time, as I grind electric current into him, it does not reverberate back to me. There is focus to my spell, there is concentration, and I do not lose it as his scream pierces the air. 

We hit the ground as Xigbar’s spell falls apart and he writhes on the ground. I hit the pavement with a huff, the impact rattles me, but not nearly the way grand magic rattles him, all the way from his curled fingers to his chattering teeth.

“Clever little sneak.” He wheezes as the spell passes through him and I struggle to my feet. “Looks like you are ready for tomorrow.”

“You can stop pretending to be concerned, we both know you’re not.” I bite, teeth clamping together as I rise.

“Hey, I’m rooting for ya, really.” He snorts,sitting up, leaning back in his hands, eye finding the hazy daybreak that starts to creep through the blackness. He clearly isn’t terribly concerned about fighting me back anymore, and that unnerves me most of all. “I mean, you’re the only one who keeps things interesting.”

“If this is some weird sort of flirting thing--”

“It’s not.” He corrects quickly. “Just do me a favor tomorrow and stay alive, alright? Destiny’s a powerful thing but even it has its setbacks.” And I have no idea what he’s getting at, but I trust him about as far as I can throw him, so my shoulders don’t relax as I take a step toward him.

“Why would I ever want a destiny that you are encouraging?” I ask.

“Well, for one, what have I ever done to you?” And it’s a fair question, one that causes me to avert my eyes, because I simply don’t have an answer for him. “Exactly.” 

“Fuck off.”

“You know, they say patience is a virtue.” Xigbar counters. “Maybe if you could patiently wait for an explanation, you might get one.”

“Damn shame. If patience is a virtue, then I’m the human embodiment of vice.” I counter.

“Ha!” Xigbar laughs, a hearty sound that shakes his shoulders. “Now that is a damn good answer.”

“If you really didn’t come here to fight, what do you want?” I ask, because right now, I look at the man sprawled out, enduring the icy pavement to make small talk with me. He is not killing time as I am way ahead of schedule and I’m the only one with the keys to my current ship. Whatever he wants, I get a gut feeling is entirely nonmenacing. I hate it and immediately want to distrust my own instincts. But Xigbar’s mouth tightens and he meets me with something similar to a sheepish gaze. 

“I’m tired Rueki. Really tired.” And the way he says it makes me believe that he is not referring to sleep deprivation. No, there’s something more in his tone, there are lifetimes worth of secrets hidden in the depths of his voice, and I start to wonder if this is even really Xigbar. He’s so off for wha I am used to. “You ever been ugh...promised something was gonna happen, but then you get that nasty feeling that the person who made the promise has been fucking you around?”

“If this is a jab at Lea, then--”

“I can make a lot more clever jabs about your boyfriend.” He counters, and I note, he says the word ‘boyfriend’ as though it is a curse word. As though being with Lea is somehow a dirty and inherently wrong thing. “Point is, I’m no good at waiting either. The prize is supposed to be pretty grand, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I’m even gonna get it or if I’m just gonna get told to be patient, all over again.” His visible eye roams me, something wistful in his gaze. My throat catches.

“Are you the other one?” And I’m purposefully vague because he’s so slimy and unreadable, but his momentary look of surprise makes me think ‘thank goodness’. “Nevermind.” I shake my head.

It wouldn’t be the worst thing, I think, if he were the other traitor.

“Well that’s not fair. Tease.” He laughs.

“Most things in life aren’t.” I remind him.

“Not like fairy tales, huh kiddo?” He asks. My eyes widen.

“Right. The book Cid said you sent me.” I nod. “Why did you do that? He says I look just like my dad, you knew I wasn’t your daughter.”

“And thank Twilight for that.” Xigbar laughs. “The first time we met, you were little. Guess you still don’t remember, but hey, we can fix that later. The thing was though, there was something about you--nothing.”

“Right, I’m not special at all.” I roll my eyes.

“Not a damn bit.” He agrees. “But hey, why don’t you ask me another time? I might just tell ya.”

And I don’t get a chance to debate as to whether or not I believe him, because he shifts gravity, opens a portal and falls through it. 

Darkness closes behind him and I stare after him for longer than I care to admit.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna lie guys, this slowed down posting cycle has been SO good for my mental health, I seriously feel refreshed and inspired and like I'm having fun with Lea and Rueki again. Hopefully it pays off for you guys to have, what I hope, are better quality chapters too.

XXVIII.

Lea waits, long arms dangling between his legs, as he sits on the steps outside of the Mysterious Tower. He is alone, and his eyes follow my breathless movements as I clamber out of my ship. I dust myself off, I rake my fingers through my hair, I offer him a smile and Lea lights up brighter than the sun itself. 

How sweet it is, to be his.

“Burn all your other bridges?” I ask as I close the distance between the two of us. He moves his arms and I tuck myself in, sitting on his lap chest to chest, so that my head may fall onto his shoulder. His arms circle my waist, tight, secure, snug. Home at last. His mouth finds my temples, the back of my head, my neck, my shoulder. Anywhere he can press his lips to, he does. One arm departs from my waist so that his hand may twine through mine, and he brings even my fingers, my palms and the heels of my hand up to kiss. 

“Nah.” He says, between kisses. “Just wanted. To keep the fact. That we actually. Love each other. A secret.” 

“Mmm, have I told you that you’re perfect?” I ask him, nuzzling deeper into the soft, too hot skin of his neck. I will never get over how fantastic he smells.

“Literally never.” He responds, kissing the crook of my elbow.

“Good. Better not start.” I nod, and he shifts my weight in such a way that I yelp and immediately begin to giggle. His laughter fills my ears with all the warmth of a candle flame, and I think this is it. This is the place my very essence was born to be. “How long were we apart, your time?” 

“About six months.” And hell, I already knew this but his sense of restraint--and of course his drive to not disrespect other people’s property with our filth--is worlds more impressive than mine.

Six months apart would have killed me, I would need to be drugged to be away from him that long.

“You?” He asks.

“Three days. ” I say.

“Have you slept?” He asks as he begins to rub my scalp.

“Two out of three days. Cid’s got this tea he makes that’ll knock you out, without dreams for at least eight hours. The night I saw Luxord, in case you missed it, I was a little fucked up. I forgot to drink some, and the moon was full. It fucking sucked.” And I know I need say no more, he starts to kiss my ears and my jawline. “How’s training been?”

“Merlin, Aqua and Riku signed off on all three of us, so I’d say not too bad.” He nods.

“Cool, so the love of my life can rock a Keyblade.” I smile into his skin.

“Yeah, Kairi’s doing alright with hers.” He responds and I snort.

“You were right to assume that’s the redhead I’m referring to.” I laugh. “I’ve missed the fuck out of you.”

“Missed you more.” He says. “Where’s my scarf?” He asks.

“Why, you suddenly cold?” I snicker. 

“No, I’m just sick of this brat I’m dating, stealing my clothes. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about that coat you stole from me back in the early days.” Lea reminds me, and lo and behold, he had something memorized that I forgot about until now. 

“To be completely real, I’m pretty sure I left it in Amaya's house.” I confess, and Lea grabs me by the tops of my arms, pushes me back and pouts.

“You already went to see them?” He asks.

“Cid delivered the message the other day to give me the heads up that you guys would be here today. I was done helping, so I decided to say goodbye to Del and Amaya...all things considered.” You know, in case I die and this time, it sticks. Lea’s hands fall slack on my arms. He clears his throat, kisses my nose and makes a motion for me to get off of him. I do, climb to my feet and extend my hands to help him up.

“Well, damn, sweetheart. You’ll have to spend the rest of the morning playing with Kairi. I’ve gotta run an errand, I’ve got a surprise planned for today, and you decided to rudely ruin things.” He grins.

“Sorry. Next time I’ll let Xigbar beat me up a little more, instead of spending time with my friends.” I roll my eyes.

“That what this is from?” Lea asks, brushing his gloved thumb across the red gash on my leg. “Sorry I didn’t ask, but I kinda assumed your scuffle with Vanitas caused it.”

“What? No. He’s a little cunt. I’m gonna hold him down while Aqua and Ven take turns beating the piss out of him. He’s strong, but he’s not that good. You’re forgetting, your girl is tough.” I grin, spark in my eye, even though Vanitas would've thoroughly pummeled me, if not for my memory trick. The boy is a fucking savage.

“Right, so tough, Xigbar beat you up.” Lea teases.

“Distance attacks are his specialty and my weakness. Don’t worry, I’ll pummel him properly tomorrow.” I say. 

“Your reassurance is endearing, Rueks. You okay?” He asks and I shrug.

“Be a lot better when this is done.” I say.

“You and me both.” He sighs. “Still no Roxas. And then I’ve somehow gotta sweet talk Isa when I see him tomorrow or--” 

Or I’ll pound his best friend’s repulsive face into the dirt without a hint of remorse.

“Forty eight hours.” I remind him. He smiles softly, subtly, it doesn’t touch his eyes.

“Yeah.” He agrees. “Now c’mon, let’s get to class before everyone comes looking for us.” And with that, he takes my hand, doesn’t give me a damn second of warning, and suddenly, it’s like a hook has pierced through my belly button.

With a yelp, I grasp him tight as my vision floods with a multitude of colors, shapes, light and darkness. 

I stumble forward, wobbly legs taking me to one of the windows in the Mysterious Tower which I promptly consider getting sick out. I fucking hate teleporting. Like on a deep, spiritual level.

“Fucking cunt, warn me next time you do that.” I choke as the world comes flooding back to clarity and my bone splitting grip on the window slackens. 

“You’re back!” Oh Kairi, oh my angel. Rolling my shoulders back, I stand up straight and smile at her, trying to look minimally sallow and sick. 

“Come hug me, I can’t move.” I say and she does, laughing musically. As I embrace her, I notice, out of the corner of my eye, Sora’s eyes very quickly darting away from Kairi’s legs. Apparently he may be kind of a goof and naive as hell, but he certainly isn’t dead. He rubs the back of his neck.

“It’s good to see you made it, Rueki.” Aqua beams.

“Yeah, how was Radiant Garden?” Ventus asks. I shrug as I release Kairi who all but skips to stand between Sora and Riku.

“Probably about the same as you remember it. Lots of research going on. I met Vanitas, he sucks, so there’s that.” I inform them. Aqua’s features twist to something dark and foreign. Ventus looks away, this hard look clouding his gaze that feels so unlike the warm wind I remember wrapping around Sora’s heart. So unlike my prince charming.

“Don’t tell me you want to be added to the list of people who want to fight him too.” Riku sighs. I look to Sora, mouth twisted.

“Actually. You’re all gonna hate me for this, but I think that wherever Sora goes, I have to go, as far as battling goes.” I say. Lea stiffens from where he stands. Riku makes a face, Kairi looks hurt. “Not to commandeer the conversation, but I met with Roxas inside Sora’s heart.”

“I knew it!” Sora says. “I felt you and him, certain memories became clearer, others faded away.” He places a hand to his heart and I offer a half smile.

“But you were gonna fight with me.” Kairi pouts.

“Rueks…” Lea begins, and I know where his thoughts are and I don’t have any desire to indulge them.

“Look, Roxas told me he needed some sort of spark from Sora, to reawaken. His body is all taken care of. I guess Demyx and Vexen decided to stage a coup and--”

“What?” Lea pipes up with huge eyes and I press my lips into a frown.

“Dude I already told you this.” I remind him.

“You said Demyx snuck away from Xehanort.” Lea corrects me, but I hardly see the difference.

“Okay, sorry, Demyx and Vexen.” And I make a point to roll my eyes. “Anyway, back to--”

“Why would those two partner up?” Lea asks, as a smile begins to light him up.

“Because Demyx has a halfway decent moral compass and proved that by essentially letting Sora help him commit suicide by cop to save me--”

 

“What!?!?” Sora cuts me off, but I ignore him. Can no one here focus properly on a story?

“And Vexen wanted to make it up to Ienzo for being a dick? I dunno man, don’t worry, he still hates you, he’s not completely full of shit.” I say, but nothing will knock that stupid smile off of Lea’s face, and I fear the worst.

“Rueki, Demyx and Vexen have never spent time in the same room unless there was a meeting. Someone else has got to be pulling the strings, someone else who might want to atone for--”

“I put more money on Xigbar wanting to atone than Xemnas’ personal guard dog. Can we please not start this shit, Lea?” I ask, running a hand through my hair. And like a balloon, he deflates. “I’m sorry, fuck.” And I walk over to Lea and wrap an arm around his waist. “For you, I hope it is him. I’m just a cynic, don’t listen to me, I’m the worst.” But I don’t hope Saix has any desire for redemption. I want him feral, bordering on berserk when I put him down.

“Nah, I mean you’re right. It could be anyone.” Lea mumbles.

“Even Terra.” And I remember from Ventus’ memories, Aqua being the peacekeeper, the balance, the grown up one. But I never expected to be so very thankful for her words.

“Right, it could be Terra.” Ventus agrees quickly.

“Yeah.” I say.

“Yeah.” Lea agrees. And though screaming differences still hang in the air, I bite the inside of my cheek and lean into Lea. Nothing can sour this reunion, nothing in this realm, and certainly not Saix. Not ever again.

“But anyhow, Roxas needs a spark from Sora for his heart to find his body. Not to be that person, but I’ve been able to trigger Roxas into action, from within Sora before.” And Sora meets my eyes and nods, face carefully neutral as we decide, silently, not to further address the fact that I was mercy killed in my last life. 

“You’re right. Roxas almost always reacts to you. If we can bring him out in the final battle, it’ll be because you and I are working together.” Sora agrees.

“And Rueki isn’t the only one who’s got your back, Sora.” Goofy promises. “Donald and I are no Keyblade wielders, but we’ll always be there to keep ya steady. We’ve got your back not just now, but always.”

“Three half pints make a whole!” Donald pipes up, causing Sora to smile, so I resolve not to say that his fractions are off.

“This again?” Sora laughs, and so do Donald and Goofy, and I could easily peep into Sora’s heart and try to decipher the inside joke, but instead, I grab Lea’s hand, bring it up to my mouth and kiss the back of it. His eyes find mine, and they are filled with warmth, not doubt. Thank Twilight.

“It is a shame that all of our friends cannot be here, but our seven guardians of light have united, and are all ready for what lies ahead.” Master Yen Sid says. “The regained strength from some of the original guardians and the learned strength of our newest ones has a combined power that shines brightly. And with our additional three non Keybearers, we have nearly the numbers to rival Xehanort’s darknesses. In time, when the others stand with us, we will look to the darknesses not as an insurmountable force, but as equals.”

“Yeah!” Sora agrees.

“I have called you here today so that you may strategize, so that you may plan and that above all, you may recuperate. On the morrow, you journey to the fated place.” Yen Sid explains. 

“Right.” Mickey nods, then turns to the rest of us. Beside me, Lea shifts his weight. I raise an eyebrow. He shakes his head and I am reminded of his alleged surprise, which I only mildly dread. And just on the principle that I’m so over being shocked. I’ve had more than enough surprises for one lifetime. “We’ve got to decide who plans to fight who! Master Xehanort is always ten steps ahead of everything, we know his darknesses are already more than comfortable with combat, and most of them know how we fight! We need to know who--”

“Mickey, we’ve already made a list.” Aqua says, though her idea of interruption is much politer than mine. Still, I feel like Riku looks defensive of his royal friend. 

“It’s tentative, your majesty, but--” Riku begins, but Mickey shakes his head.

“No, that’s perfect! You guys were ahead of the game!” Mickey nods. “What do you have?”

“Me and Ventus against Vanitas and Terra.” Aqua says. “Riku against Ansem, Lea against Isa, Kairi’s down for whoever and Rueki wants to fight everyone.”

“We can do that.” Sora nods. “There are a lot of people to fight, our friends will need as much of our help as we can give. Plus, anything that could bring the spark for Roxas is good by me.” He offers me a thumbs up, and all I can think is ‘sure, yeah, that’s it, not because I have a petty grudge and am looking to fight everyone’. This is different, I think, than killing Zexion, than killing the man in Transmute City.

They’ll all be recompleted, they can’t haunt my dreams. And more to the point, this is so that certain people don’t haunt my dreams any longer.

“I need to stop Xemnas. I made a promise to myself and to Ansem the Wise that I wouldn’t let his apprentice get away with dirtying his name any longer.” Mickey shakes his head.

“And we’re right behind you, your majesty!” Donald assures his king.

“All for one and one for all.” Goofy nods.

“Right. So Larxene, Luxord, Marluxia, Xigbar, Xehanort, the younger Xehanort--” Lea counts.

“And Riku from the past.” Sora says, which makes our current Riku’s eyes widen.

“What?” He chokes.

“We ran into him in San Fransokyo. He wasn’t very friendly.” Donald says. Lea looks to me, fire burning in his eyes.

“Two for me, beautiful.” He whispers.

“And three for me.” I whisper back, but in the commotion, he is able to slip his hand up under my dress to squeeze my ass. My heart backflips. 

Riku looks dejected and frustrated, and I think I get it, hell do I get it. 

“Then I need to be the one to give him a glimpse of the future.” Riku mutters. I could hug the kid. And not because I want to go back and correct past Rueki, but because I want to go back and protect her from the things that blacken my heart now. 

“So then there’s only one person left we don’t know about. Demyx said a replica took ” I say. “But I guess Organization XIII has been putting everyone’s hearts into replicas, so realistically, this mystery person could be anyone.”

“Which means Vexen might still be on the docket.” Lea reminds me, and hell, this thirsty motherfucker wants to win our bet so damn bad.

“Yeah, but I talked to Vexen. I feel like something might’ve been mentioned if he planned to fight us tomorrow.” I argue.

“Well, if it is Vexen, someone with strong fire magic should counter him.” Riku says, and all sets of eyes fall on Lea, who heaves such a deep sigh, his shoulders slump. Poor baby just had reality sprung back on him.

“I’m going to ruin that man’s life.” He mutters.

“On the plus side, one look at you and he’ll probably shit his pants. I mean, it sounds like you ganked him pretty good last time.” I say.

“Rueki!” Aqua admonishes, and I lean into Lea, making a face as I realize that normal people don’t talk about murder with their friend group. 

“Hey, former bad guys, remember?” Lea defends us.

“We’ve all got skeletons.” Riku agrees, and I think perhaps he, most of all, understands where we’re coming from. 

“And hey, whoever fights Larxene, good luck. She hits hard, and she’s nasty. She wants to hurt you, not just for Xehanort, for herself.” Lea warns.

“You, stay away from her.” I order Kairi.

“You too.” Aqua smiles a little cheekily at Ventus, and both of our blue eyed Keybearers pout.

“Marluxia’s a tough contender too. He’s another hard hitter, and he’s smart. Utilize his pride against him. He’s intelligent, but if he thinks he’s won, he’ll be blinded.” I suggest. “As for Xigbar, just avoid him and leave him to me. In the meantime, get in close and smash him with whatever you can. He’s shit with close ranged attacks but will destroy you at a distance.”

“Luxord’s the one with the cards, right?” Sora asks, and my stomach clenches. 

“Please just...whoever…” My throat tightens, I grip Lea. I don’t know how to beg for a mercy kill for my friend. “He was someone who…”

“You won’t need to hit him too hard. Brute displays of strength won’t help you against him. Just be cunning, it’s easier to beat him through strategy than just pummeling him.” Lea says and my heart sings in gratitude for Lea’s unspoken demand that no one hurt the Gambler of Fate too terribly bad. I squeeze my lover’s hand. He squeezes back.

“Xehanort’s younger self is strong and he’s fast. So fast, he leaves projections of himself behind. Get in close, hit hard and then run. Block, dodge, don’t let him hit you, because if he gets a chance, he doesn’t stop and he doesn’t tire.” Riku warns.

“So that just leaves Master Xehanort himself.” Mickey says. “And he’ll be the most powerful of all.” He looks between Aqua and Riku, and I think that between the three Masters, if they cannot save us, we are colossally fucked. Anxiety starts to creep in again. I don’t know if I want more to freeze time, permanently here, or to fast forward, well beyond the end of the battle, to ease my screaming mind and assure it that all will be well.

I don’t even know if I believe all will be well. There’s just too much here to lose. The other shoe is going to drop and I do not want to be there to see it fall.

“We can defeat him, Mickey. He is not going to get away with this.” Aqua says, blue eyes hard and determined. “For what he did to Terra, for what he’s doing now. He will meet his demise.” And there’s no excitement in her tone, she is simply matter of fact. Because she believes, it will be, for the greater good, there is no option save for victory.

“That’s right. In one form or another, he’s caused too much destruction already. No one is all powerful, everyone has a weakness, but with all of us combined, we can make up for each other.” Riku assures him. My eyes dart to Kairi’s. She smiles. My counterpart, the light to my dark. There is no attack that will sail at me, which she will not defend. There is no one that can lay a finger on her without me there to dish out retaliation. 

And Roxas will return. 

“Gee, guys. It’ll be a scary day tomorrow but...we will get through it.” Mickey nods. “For now, let’s have some fun though, alright?”

“Where will you go?” Riku asks.

“Home. Daisy would kill me if I didn’t stop by.” Donald confesses, shaking his head.

“And I’d sure like to see Minnie.” Mickey nods.

“But we’ll be here here in the morning to fly out with you guys!” Goofy agrees.

“Right, I’ll fly us to--” Donald starts, but I bark out an obnoxious laugh.

“I just got my ship modified to fit all of you, and I have a job waiting for me after this as a pilot. You’re not flying anything.” I scoff.

“Hey!” Donald huffs. Sora laughs.

“You’re really in for an earful, Rueki.” Sora grins.

“No way, my girl can fly circles around anyone in this room. You’ve never been in a ship with her.” Lea reminds them.

“And you’ve never been in a Gummi battle with her.” Kairi says, setting a hand on her hip. “Rueki’s really loud and obnoxious--”

“Vulgar, impossible, cynical to a fault, holds a hell of a grudge.” Lea continues.

“I’m still fucking here.” I mutter.

“Is afraid of babies.” Kairi says.

“Afraid of babies.” Lea agrees.

“I fucking hate you both.” I roll my eyes.

“But she’s a good pilot.” Kairi finishes.

Donald huffs, Sora and Goofy laugh.

“Better luck next time, Donald.” Sora teases. With the wave of the duck’s hand, him, Mickey and Goofy head out to the King’s ship and depart for Disney Castle. Riku, Kairi, Sora, Aqua, Ventus and I follow them out of the Mysterious Tower, the bulk of us heading to my ship. Lea, on the other hand, has Yen Sid set him up to travel by light, to wherever mysterious place he needs to go to handle some surprise for me.

“You guys want a ride anywhere?” I ask Ven and Aqua, who are huddled together, talking in low voices.

“Actually, we’re going to head home.” Aqua confesses.

“Yeah, we wanna stop there one more time, see if we can find anything that might save Terra.” Ventus nods.

“But we’ll be back tonight, don’t worry, Rueki.” And the way Aqua says it makes me think she isn’t just trying to pacify me, but is concerned about a potential anxiety attack. I bite my lip and pick at my nails, shrugging to avoid her eyes, because fuck, if she starts to see through me, I probably am going to lose my shit, and right now, I would really rather just attempt to be present with my best friend, on a gorgeous island. 

“Cool, see you guys.” I wave a hand, starting to board my own ship. “Destiny Island’s, right kids?” I ask.

“How did you know, did you read into my heart?” Sora asks as he takes a seat behind me. Kairi takes the one next to me, giggling.

“Sora.” She shakes her head.

“Some things you don’t need heart magic to know.” Riku smirks a little, taking the seat behind Kairi as I plug the coordinates into my ship.

“It’ll be nice to be home.” Sora smiles.

“Lay on the beach.” Riku agrees.

“Feel the sand between my toes.” Sora says.

“Get a sunburn.” Riku laughs. Kairi rolls her eyes.

“You two are so boring.” She says as we lift off. “Swimming, Rueki?” Kairi asks, huge smile plastered across her freckled face. 

“I thought you’d never ask, cutie pie.” I grin.

\--

After too much bartering with an unyielding salesperson in an overpriced tourist trap of a shop, Kairi and I depart to her house, me carrying a bag with a too expensive black bikini, her chatting animatedly, grasping at my hands, arms and shoulders. Her excitement is overwhelming and for a moment, seems kind of misplaced, but this is when I realize, today is probably the first day in over a year that she has been on this Island with Sora and Riku, and beyond that, she is here with them and her only objective is to have fun.

Enjoy the moment. 

She braids my hair after I strip down and redress in the pricey bikini and has the good grace to slather me in sunscreen if I do the same for her.

“Let’s not be out too long, there’s not enough hours in the day and we both still desperately need pedicures.” She informs me. I scoff.

“Right, of course, if we’re gonna die we should probably look pretty.” My sardonic humor earns a swat from her because Kairi, unlike the others I have whined to, is in the same boat as me, and is certainly not going to put up with my nonsense. My eyes flicker over her house, over how truly empty it looks and over how very full her heart has become. The poor, lonely girl who couldn’t even feel her own pain and was forced, by her sweet, beautiful heart, to smile through every ounce of the agony the two people she loved most left in their wake, has grown whole. 

But we get to the beach, and she sees those two people, Riku with his vest off and his shirt pulled almost entirely off --and damn, the kid actually is hot, which like, duh but...damn-- and Sora, sans shirt and shoes, brried partially in the sand, and suddenly, the light and happiness beam off of her.

“Hey guys!” Sora waves us over, before fanning himself out, making an angel in the sand. I throw a reasonable amount of side eye at Kairi.

“He’s the guy you have a crush on.” I scoff, low enough so that only she can hear, but my sassiness is lost on her.

“Rueki, he’s got abs now, shit.” She whispers, and honestly, I know how into him she is, but I cannot help it, I burst out laughing because Sora still looks like an absolute child to me and it’s hard to take how serious Kairi is about him, seriously, when I am reminded of the teenage boy who wanted chilli at the crack of dawn. 

My best friend huffs and leaves me in the dust as she sprints over to Sora and proceeds to bury more of him. My eyes flick to Riku as I sit down beside him.

“How much you want to put on them kissing before the end of the night?” I whisper. He snorts, not moving from where he lays.

“I’d bet more on both of them getting embarrassed and chickening out, even though the only people who don’t know they like each other are each other.” Riku says. I grin. 

“Good bet, kid.” 

\--

It doesn’t take long before Kairi drags me into the water, and I don’t complain. My experiences in the ocean have been limited to time with Axel, who had zero interest in water, although he suffered it for me. But Kairi has no sense of suffering, and we chase each other out as deep as we dare go, laughing, smiling, splashing one another. It’s almost enough to make me forget about what the next twenty four hours will bring.

Almost.

But then we’re on the beach, damp bodies covered in sand, Kairi chats animatedly about the adventures she longs to go on, while I pretend to listen, staring out at the waves, willing for one to take me away, in this last glorious moment, before pain finds its way, inevitably into my world.

“Rueki, are you even listening?” Kairi finally asks huffing and I wince, because I love her, and I do care about what she has to say, I love talking to her. But--

“Yeah, sorry, just lost in my own head.” I confess, biting my lip. She cocks her head to the side, now I sigh. “I’m anxious about tomorrow, I guess.”

“You’re really worked up over it, aren’t you?” She asks.

“Yes!” I blurt, shoulders heaving. “I mean shit, aren’t you?”

“Of course!” She sighs.

“Thank fuck. If I had one more person tell me they believed in me or that I was gonna be fine, I might have to drown myself.” I shake my head.

“That sounds dramatic and counterproductive.” She snorts.

“Both are kind of my prerogative.” I remind her. She nods.

“Well if you could not, that’d be pretty cool.” She says. “Besides, you’re not the perpetual damsel. You know how to fight.”

“I know how to exhaust myself and make rash choices that kill me.” I correct. “You’re not a damsel anymore. Damsels don’t know how to use Pearl or fight with Keyblades, or how to observe and learn proper footing so that they become badasses. Your age, your femininity, your light are not weaknesses.”

“You can’t be sure of that.” She shakes her head.

“I can though. I’ve fought you, I’ve seen the strides you’ve made, even Lea says you’re so strong now. You’re not weak. And even though I’m fighting with Sora, you’re my person. Anything you can’t do, I’ll be there to make it happen.” I assure her.

“You sound so determined, when you’re not talking about you.” She laughs, humorlessly.

“Because I’m a pain in the ass and you’re a damn hero who looked her failings in the eye and said ‘never again’ and grew from it.” I counter.

“But no one has ever looked you in the eye and used you as human bait, treated you as an object meant to hurt your friends.” She says, and then her eyes flicker to my body, covered in thick, white scars. She makes a face and sucks her lower lip between her teeth. “Well...I mean…”

“That wasn’t for bait. That was for him.” I say, licking the flats of my teeth. “I’m going to kill him tomorrow, Kairi.”

“If you want me to make some speech about how you need to rise above, I’m not going to. You can go to Sora or Riku for that.” She says, tucking a leg to her chest. “You want revenge? You deserve to feel that. You deserve to feel angry, you deserve to break down the people who made you weak. If my heart would let me...if I could...Maleficent...I’d kill her.” Her voice gets quieter and quieter and I wonder if she is afraid to say these things out loud or if her heart is trying to burn these feelings out of her. Neither would surprise me. She’s sixteen and has been through more than anyone should have to at sixteen. Despite the sweetness I have seen in her eyes, I don’t think there is any child that wouldn’t seek out revenge after what she’s been through. Surely, I would, were I in her shoes. And if she asked me to help her, I wouldn’t think twice about ending someone who hurt her. I don’t want to think about how very screwed up that makes me. Where I once felt panic, where watching Zexion die once mared me so deeply, the second time really was easier and now, the revenge I need now pushes me so extremely in the other direction. I think of Ansem the Wise and I wonder, what really separates me from him? What really separates me from every other villain I have ever faced, twisted by darkness past the point of recognition.

Am I--

Am I having second thoughts?

“I don’t want to change, Kai. I don’t want any of this to I just...I want Lea without Isa. I want you and Sora and Riku and Aqua and Ven and Ienzo and Del and Amaya and Cid. I want Roxas back, yes, at all costs, but I can’t lose any of you and I can’t… I have to make it out, I--” My fingernails pierce my palms, biting perfect crescents into my skin until she grabs my hands and pries them apart, slipping her fingers through mine as she angles herself toward me.

“Sora was telling me about...a thing he realized when traveling to all of the worlds the new Organization XIII inhibited.” She says, taking a deep breath. “And, you don’t need to say yes, you can think about it or tell me no, because it comes with a cost, Rueki, it really does. And I’m not gonna do anything until after this war is over, because I don’t want it to change you or take away your determination or your passion or any of the things that make you strong, or add any more to your plate, because I know how to handle this and you shouldn’t have to learn how to shoulder it all on the eve of a war, but maybe when this is all over… Sora says that Princesses of Heart can transfer their light to a new guardian. I know how to protect my light, I won’t pass it on if you don’t want it or if you don’t feel like you can keep it safe, but I want everything, Rueki. Light and darkness. I’m so fucking sick of all of this light blinding me, burning away anything that might cut me too deep, but I know how hard forgiveness is for you. I know the things you’ve seen, the betrayal, the pain and...I know how hard you fight to protect the things you love. I think, if you’re interested, it could burn away your hurt and let me feel mine. When this war is over, if you want my light, it’s yours.”

I blink stupidly at her, the weight of her words seems impossible. My jaw is slack, my hands go weak, I start to tremble and then, abruptly, I toss my arms around her, laughter spilling wildly from my lips. I tackle her into an unshakable hug, laughing so hard tears start to pop into my eyes.

“Yes, yes, please, Kai, please!”

“Are you sure, Rueki? It’s gonna be so different then everything you’ve ever felt, as long as there is darkness, people will try to take or snuff out your light, it isn’t so easy.” She hesitates.

“Dude, yes, I’m fucking sure. Do you know how many times I’ve wished I could forgive Lea for things I should’ve let go of forever ago? Do you know how easy it would make things with Isa, with Lea getting to be happy and me not wanting to murder his friend, like my grudge is the only thing keeping me sane? Kai, I’m so fucking sick of hurting, I don’t care about the goddamn risks, I want your light, if you’re serious, I want it.” I promise, voice rushed and borderline hysterical as tears start to form. And now, Kairi starts laughing and starts hugging me back, and we’re a mess of salty skin and giggles that cannot be contained, and I think that with perhaps the exception of Lea, there is no one I love more than her, no one more perfectly suited to me, no one my heart realized I was missing quite like her. And according to Riku, no one she seemed to be missing quite like me. To have someone who is as good for me as I am them, to have a friend who I can be candid with in a way that I have been candid with no other friend, seems impossible.

And yet, so perfect. Every piece fits, just so.

“Hey uh… what did I miss?” Sora is leaning forward, hovering over us, head cocked to the side. Riku shakes his head, arms crossed, standing a few feet back.

“I tried, he had to know what you were laughing about.” Riku sighs. Kairi giggles as the two of us sit up, brushing sand off of ourselves.

“Just girl stuff, don’t worry.” Kairi says, then offers me a wink. And I think the girl might be just shy of brilliant, because while I am over secrets and this one isn’t harmful, it is a bombshell. And in light of everything, between her and Sora and Riku, between all of the guardians of light, I think we all deserve something mindless, something easy. A day of smiles and peace and no more fucking bombshells. 

I am going to live. I am going to make it to the other side. I am going to defend my friends and myself and make it out to have the glorious burden of Kairi’s light sear away the ache in my heart. It seem like a pipe dream, but I think about Del and Amaya and Ienzo and Demyx and Cid and sure, they could be wrong, but statistically, can they really all be wrong? Don’t the odds say at least one of them has to be right, is it really so improbable to have the faintest flicker of hope?


	29. Chapter 29

XXIX.

The air is wonderfully crisp as I arrive in Twilight Town, though neither the perfect weather, nor the hazy orange of the sun light me up like the sight in front of me

Lea sits, hunched over at the steps of the train station, long, lanky legs sprawled out, arms dangling between his knees and he’s wearing new clothes. The pants and the boots look about the same, maybe newer, fresher, but he’s wearing a tight, black v-neck, a sleeveless flannel that matches perfectly, the accents on my hoodie and boots, and a black hooded vest over that. And fuck, does he ever wear that outfit. What gives him the right to be so fucking gorgeous? And why the hell do his eyes look so fucking green?

I sneak behind him, sink down and slip my arms around his shoulders before burying my face into his hair. 

“You’re hot, you should come home with me.” I mutter against him. 

“I’ve always been hot, sweetheart.” He maintains. 

“Sometimes the clothes make the man.” I counter. He snorts.

“If I knew that was all it took, I would’ve come barging into the library in khakis and a T-shirt.” He chuckles.

“The end result still would’ve been the same, asshat. We’re still gonna have to tell people, when they ask how we met, that I banged you to pass the time and ended up with a serious case of Stockholm syndrome.” I grin.

“Cute, Rueks. But technically I wasn’t the one who kidnapped or held you captive.” He reminds me.

“No, right, you just worked for him. I forgot we were splitting hairs.” I giggle.

“You’re a brat. I much prefer the story that you were a little pain in the ass that I threw a bone to, cuz you were crying over your ex.” Lea smirks as I untwine myself from him.

“I never cried over Del.” I correct him.

“And I never held you hostage.” He grins, helping me to my feet as he hoists himself up in turn.

“Maybe we compromise then, and agree that we were two old friends that reconnected later in life?” I raise an eyebrow. He blinks wildly, comically, head cocked to the side. He takes my shoulders into his hands, spins me around, makes a stupid face and leans in. “What?” 

“Just trying to figure out if you’re drunk or an imposter. My Rueki doesn’t compromise.” He smirks. I swat him.

 

“I’m actually a hologram, I decided you suck so I’m spending the day with Kairi, you get a fake Rueki. Dick.” I roll my eyes. He just grins even broader, leans in and kisses me, hands cupping my face. He pulls away, forehead still pressed to mine as he tucks my hair behind my ear.

“Well, you taste about the same, so I guess it doesn’t bug me to spend a day with a hologram.” He kisses my nose, I swat him a little harder. 

“So what’s the whole deal with you wearing real clothes? You make progress on the whole remembering front?” I ask, lacing my fingers through his as we pull apart and start away from the station.

“I wish.” Lea’s mouth twists. “No, I just figured I’d give them a go.” He says, yanking the fabric of his t-shirt with his free hand.

“And the consensus?” I raise an eyebrow.

“My girlfriend thinks I look hot.” He informs me, and I nod, as though this is new and exciting information.

“Mmm. Well, I hate to break this to you, but she always thinks you look hot.” I remind him. 

“Well I guess that’s good then, considering I’m definitely gonna have to change back into the coat before tomorrow.” He says.

“Why?” I ask.

“Well, you said it yourself. Roxas is coming back, who knows who or what else might be following him. Maybe the person we forgot.” He rubs an ungloved thumb across my hand, I scrunch my face up.

“You think it’s gonna be that simple? We get Roxas back, we get whoever we’re forgetting back, it’s a clean cut happy ending, wrapped in a bow?” I ask.

“I can hope.” There’s that word again, and who am I to discourage him? I hope we get a clean cut happy ending too, if I’m being honest, I’m just not betting on it or making any superstitious plays, the way he is. 

“Well, do me a solid and don’t get killed. Because it seems like the only times I ever die are immediately after you do something dumb and sacrifice yourself, okay?” I ask.

“Are you guilt tripping me, Rueks?” He chuckles.

“One hundred percent. My life is in your hands. So just take that how you will.” I shrug.

“No pressure or anything though.” He rolls his eyes.

“Oh, dude, all of the pressure, don’t be stupid.” I say. “So, what’s this whole surprise thing? Or did you just ditch me with Kairi so that you’d have some uninterrupted time to jerk off?” 

“You doubt my ability to surprise you?” He scoffs.

“No, I’m making fun of you, jackass.” I grin. “Now answer my question you know how I feel about vague bullshit.”

He laughs and I think that even if I weren’t wrapped around his finger, he could win me over with that sound alone. 

“Well, I had to set a few things up. But here’s the plan: dinner at a five star bistro, ice cream on the clock tower…”

“And in the meantime?” I ask, because even though he’s older than me, he’s still too young to be contemplating dinner this early in the afternoon.

“Oh you know, just set us up to check out a couple open houses. All within budget, all with sunrooms.” He grins, so self satisfied and I literally stop in my tracks.

“Seriously?” I ask. “That’s so...normal…” And I don’t know what I expected, with Lea, something explosive most likely, but the idea of house hunting within our price range, is so delightfully ordinary, it makes me giddy.

“Did I fuck up?” He asks, with suddenly huge eyes. “Did you wanna do something more exciting?” He asks, stalling with me, grabbing my other hand as though he has something to repent for.

“No, no!” I laugh, squeezing his hands. “Dude, this is fucking awesome. Like you have no idea. We’ve had way too much crazy for one life, this is perfect.”

“That’s what I was thinking, after all we’ve dealt with, we deserve a couple months of domestic bliss after tomorrow.” He grins, the weight of a potential failure thoroughly taken off his shoulders. “Plus, you know, I figure the less time we have to crash on anyone’s couch and have a place of our own, the more time we have to bang across every square inch of the house while Roxas is at school.”

“You know, you might actually be a genius.” I inform him.

“I know, one of the many things you love about me.” He smirks.

We stop for ice tea and lemonade, we’ve got our fingers laced as we walk across brick pavement, from one open house to another. We discuss the practicality of hardwood versus carpeted flooring, we contemplate the pros and cons of siding versus brick, we discover that we both love granite countertops and hate white appliances. Lea confesses a strong and unappealing desire to do yard work, which I’m sure has something to do with the very normal life he was deprived of. We discuss offers, what we think is grossly overpriced and what could be a potential candidate.

And then, we arrive at our final showing. The sun is still beaming in the sky, I steal sips of Lea’s lemonade and discover I did not know what a nesting instinct was until now.

A log cabin style home sits on just over an acre, the yard is well maintained and filled with huge, old trees. A tiny man made lake sits at the edge of the yard. The windows are plenty, there is a sunroom, but the sheer amount of trees, coupled with the large yard offers the perfect amount of privacy. I skim my fingers across an old, cut down, stump of a former tree. My eyes find the seam where jagged stones meet the driftwood esque exterior. I delight in wooden support beams, the grass and stone path leading up to the tiny front porch. I take one look at this house and fight the urge to throw all of my money at it.

“You like this one?” Lea asks, leaning in so that his lips ghost my ear

“That obvious?” I ask.

“Only because I have your face memorized.” He taps my temple, I roll my eyes.

“This one is in budget?” I ask, because there has to be a catch. Yes, I do have an obnoxious amount of munny stockpiled thanks to Amaya and Del offering me munny as a gift when I departed to find Lea, and of course, from all of the Heartless Kairi and I took down whilst searching for Lea. And yes, we have seen more modern, more spacious houses, but every single time I imagined what my future might look like with Lea, it was inside a place like this, making a home somewhere safe, somewhere cozy, somewhere that reminds me nothing of the cold and sterile confines of The Castle That Never Was. 

“Of course it is, my girl is smart with her munny.” Lea says, kissing my temple. 

“So then it looks like a fucking nightmare inside.” I predict. Lea rolls his eyes.

“Or maybe we’ve weathered the storm long enough to see the sun.” Lea offers. I bite my lip, my heart clenches.

How beautiful would that be?

“Let’s go inside.” Lea suggests, and we do and I fall more in love.

Granite countertops, rough looking blonde wood cabinets, a stone bar and stainless steel appliances. A stone fireplace, a living room with floor to ceiling windows, cathedral ceilings. Enough bedrooms for us, for Roxas, for Kairi, a basement we could convert for guests with a little bit of time and labor, a loft. Furniture is placed to stage, of course, but as my eyes wander, I fantasize about reddish brown leather couches, a king size bed, wooden barstools. Is it possible, is it realistic that the home of my dreams could be the first home Lea and I purchase? Is all of this really happening?

And does the fact that this is a possibility mean one of us is doomed to die tomorrow?

The house grows dark, my body becomes cold.

Lea slips his fingers through mine, my shoulders uncurl, my world is centered.

“You here with me, Rueks?” He whispers.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Just a pessimist thing.” I shake my head.

“Wanna talk?” He squeezes my hand. My face contorts.

“Not even a little. I’ve done way too much whining already.” I insist, but his arms circle my middle and he pulls me in, impossibly close, my back to his chest.

“I could make you dinner here.” He kisses the top of my head as he gestures, with the swing of his hips toward the kitchen. 

“Hot Pockets?” I ask.

“I was thinking ramen noodles.” He grins. “Could sit you up on the counter, make you a drink, listen to you tell me about your day while I do the dishes.”

“I can clean, Lea.” I protest very limply, leaning back into him. 

“Let me take care of you.” He urges. “Let me carry you up into our room, draw you a bath.” His fingers slip through mine again and he brings my hand up to his lips. He kisses the scars along my knuckles, my wrists, I feel eyes on us and I squirm.

“Lea.” I mutter, protest still sounding incredibly weak. He just spins me around, crouches and tucks my hair behind my ears.

“Hold you tight in our bed. Remind you every night that you’re safe and that I’ll never let anything hurt you again.” His voice is the faintest of whispers, I think he has sufficiently forgotten that the outside world exists, he is so contagious. I could toss my arms around him and become unabashedly nauseating. But I roll my eyes and offer him a tiny smirk. 

“If I need a reminder every single night that I’m safe, you need to lock me in a psych ward.” I say flatly. He sighs, shoulders heaving as he stands up perfectly straight. An arrant hand pats the top of my head.

“You are such a pain in the ass.” He shakes his head.

“It’s cuz I’m hungry. Come on, we’ve seen enough for one day, let’s eat.”

The Bistro Lea is insistent that we eat at is incredibly busy, teeming with families, couples, young kids out on dates, boys fumbling for munny, trying not to embarrass themselves in front of their girlfriends.

I choke on the price of a caprese salad and wonder how the fuck Lea expects us to afford this meal a house.

He hooks a foot through mine under the table, I bite back the tiniest hint of a smirk.

“I’m surprised you didn’t want ice cream for dinner.” I tease, deciding on some sort of pumpkin soup type thing, feeling great nostalgia for Wildkat in Shibuya. “Dude, did I tell you I ran into Neku and Shiki, in Sora’s dreams?” I ask. Lea nearly chokes, setting his menu down.

“You ran into our dead friends and never once thought that maybe there was something a little off about the sleeping worlds?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Get fucked.” I reply. “I don’t know, it’s been literally two years since we saw them last, fuck me for using actual logic and thinking they came back to life.”

“Yeah, but logic or no, the Composer was a dick, he wanted to keep them forever.” Lea reminds me.

A server walks by, we place our orders and pretend we weren’t just having a conversation about friends we met in the after life.

“Well, as it turns out, Joshua, the Composer was still kind of friends with Neku? So like, they’re good now and not even in Shibuya, but apparently still dead. Regardless, I’m on the case. I’m following them both on Kingstagram, so if they come back, I’ll know.” I say.

“Mmm, detective Rueks. Thinking of switching careers?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Hardly.” I snort. “No, things are set with Amaya. I’m due to start pretty much as soon as I’m ready. She’s stoked, so am I.” I grin.

“Well I tell you what, it’s a damn shame you already stopped to see your friends, I wouldn’t have minded popping in to see Del and Amaya, got it memorized?” He asks.

“Dude, you wouldn’t have minded mooching off of Amaya’s cooking.” I say.

“I mean, that either.” Lea laughs. “But I know I’ve never taken you out to dinner at an actual restaurant, figured it’d be cool to actually take you on a real date.”

“You’re a real gentleman.” I roll my eyes.

“And not just the guy who banged you in the library while you were technically a prisoner to his boss.” He nods.

“Oh no, that’d be so unromantic.” I bat my lashes dramatically at him. “No, we’re just old friends who reconnected.” 

He leans across the table and kisses my forehead.

“How were things with Kairi, by the way?” He asks.

“Cool, we went swimming, talked…” And no, there’s not a deep need to immediately tell anyone, and yes we still have to get through tomorrow, but between the house, this moment with Lea and the conversation with Kairi, I am borderline elated, and I need to fucking tell someone. “So dude, get this...Apparently Kairi being a whole Princess of Heart or whatever, she can transfer her light to someone she trusts, pass the mantle so to speak and, we talked about her passing it.” 

“To…” He raises an eyebrow. I pout.

“Me, dick head.” I say. He snorts, as though this is some sort of a joke so I reach out and pinch him.

“Ouch!” He shakes his arm. “Well why the hell would you want that? And why is she giving it to you?”

“Cuz I asked her and…” Fuck, this is a lot. “Basically, Kairi’s light burns away darkness, it burns away dark emotions too. Hate, negativity, agony...miserably little grudges that I have no business holding.”

His face softens, his eyes widen.

“Yeah?” He asks. 

“Well, you don’t deserve half of the bullshit I send your way, so maybe this might make things easier to--” He cuts me off by pressing his lips to mine.

“You don’t need to do anything different for me, Rueks, you don’t need to change. I love you, bad attitude, foul mouth and all.” He assures me.

“I know.” I nod. “And I love you too, and yeah, I want to do this for you, but I want it more for me. I fucking hate hurting, Lea. I don’t want to need you to push away nightmares, I don’t wanna having fucking panic attacks when we spar. I just wanna...I went right from feeling nothing to feeling too much and now I just...I need some balance. My darkness wants to devour everything. Don’t let me become anything other than myself, steady me but...I want to maybe not be a miserable swamp creature all of the time.”

“You don’t need this, Rueks, not if you’re trying to appease me.” He promises.

“No, but I want this.” I insist. 

“I can’t lie then, sweetheart. This will be pretty fucking great.” He leans in, kisses my forehead, my cheeks, my jaw, my hair, he kisses everything he can decently kiss in public until the server comes by with our food and we pull away without the proper amount of shame.

We exchange giddy smiles, in between bites as we go over specifics on the houses.

“The last one was your favorite though, wasn’t it?” Lea asks after detailing that he liked the floors in the first one, the yard space in the second one and the location of the third one.

“I mean, obviously, but Lea, you saw my house with Del and Amaya, we went cheap, I can do cheap, I can do easy. I just want to have a place with you, remember? Sun room, enough bedrooms for our friends. That’s it, that’s all that matters.” I insist.

“Who are you and what have you done with my stubborn girlfriend?” He chuckles.

“Get fucked, I’m in a really good mood, I’ve had an awesome day, I’m not interested in fighting.” I say.

“Well, I’m easy too, sweetheart.”

“Oh, I know.” I wink. And I don’t know who laughs more obnoxiously, him or I, but when we start to turn heads, we force ourselves into silence. 

“Seriously, Rueks, I can live wherever.” He assures me as the server comes back with our bill.

“Can we still afford to live wherever?” I raise an eyebrow as Lea offers up a handful of munny.

“Come on, Rueks, if we couldn’t have afforded this, I would’ve made you eat dirt.” He grins, lopsidedly, looking almost...nervous?

“Mmm my favorite.” I roll my eyes. 

“Just like the last house.” He says.

“Yes dude, seriously!” I laugh as we file out of the restaurant, him with an arm around my waist, me leaning into him.

“So maybe I’ll call the realtor and put in an offer while you get the ice cream and we’ll meet at the clock tower?” He raises an eyebrow. I bite back a ridiculously huge smile. It seems insane, me getting so excited about down payments and house hunting, but fuck, the sheer normalcy of this situation, this conversation, this day, could get me high….

If this is really what the future is like then…

Then I cannot, absolutely cannot think of the potential for a catastrophic demise tomorrow. 

“Yeah?” I ask.

“Yeah.” He slaps my ass. I roll my eyes and have to fight the urge to skip, like some goofy schoolgirl, toward the ice cream shop.

\--

Two sticks of ice cream dangle from each hand. My brain does not even attempt to process why this might be until I find my way to the top of the clock tower. Lea stares, expression clouded, thoughtful as he searches for answers within the ever setting sun. I clear my throat, he nearly jumps.

“Was wondering what was taking you so long.” He chuckles, an airy and yet somehow forced sound. He rubs the back of his neck with one hand, taps the other on his thigh. “Four?” He cocks his head to the side, face scrunched up. I look down at the bars of ice cream and lick my lips, thoughtfully. 

“Guess so.” I say. “I dunno, just a weird force of habit, I guess.” Although, when I would’ve run to grab four ice creams, I do not know.

“You, me, Roxas.” He says.

“And probably Kairi. Guess I must just be fixated on the people that are gonna be camping out in our house with some sort of frequency.” I say, shaking my head. “Here.” I had him over two of the four, he chuckles.

“You expect me to be able to eat all of this after dinner.” He asks.

“You weigh six pounds, you can indulge every now and then.” I roll my eyes as I take a seat beside him. I take a bite of ice cream, cross my legs at the ankle, lean into him. He kisses my temple and I notice that he’s still bobbing his knee and most certainly not biting into his ice cream. I raise an eyebrow and take a huge, pointed bite out of my ice cream. “It’s gonna melt.” I remind him.

“Yeah, right.” Lea chuckles, and once again, I think it sounds forced, so I squeeze his knee as he takes a bite.

“You worried about tomorrow?” I ask. He shrugs.

“Surprisingly, no. After everything you and I have been through, all of the uneven fights we’ve been stuck with, I don’t think tomorrow will exactly be a cake walk, but history says we can get through it.” He encourages. I snort.

“Since when do you ever do something the same way twice? Or even count on history to repeat itself?” I ask.

“Oh, not me. But you do. You’re a creature of habit if I ever did see one, sweetheart.” He offers me a little half smile, takes a bite from his ice cream, but hardly looks like he’s enjoying it. “If I’ve got you to keep me on track, I’m golden.”

I roll my eyes.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t say I deserve your faith in me, I’d really love for history to not repeat itself.” I say. He raises an eyebrow. “You’ve got a huge tendency toward self sacrificing and I take things too far and end up bleeding out. I’m pretty over that.” 

“Yeah, but the difference now is we’re heroes.” He says, as though this actually does mean something, as though morality is what keeps giving us the big karmic slap in the face. “Equivalent Exchange, right? You do good things, the universe gives you good things.”

“Since when are you an expert on Equivalent Exchange?” I snort.

“Since my girlfriend became obsessed with tilting the scales of the universe.” He says, grinning wildly, so very self satisfied. I take a bite of ice cream, he does too.

“That’s not exactly how it works, I mean, ideally, yes. But I don’t think anyone is exempt from random occurrences. Big fat slaps in the face from the universe.” I insist.

“Sora’s resilient, Rueks. And you’re going to be at his side. It’s not just us watching each other’s backs while the rest of the world is against us. We’ve got friends now, allies. It could be worse.” He says, and I want to remind him that Xehanort has a lot more allies, but I think this time, he might be right. I remember calculating the odds, wondering to myself how I could take down Xigbar and Saix while Axel fought Xemnas and Xaldin. I remember feeling overpowered, overrun, with no end in sight and only him at my side, and I don’t know if my deep need to protect him inspired me to fight or worry harder. But the problem, the biggest problem, is that I love every single person on our side. I don’t know what I would do without any of them. Yes, I have so much now, but that’s exactly the problem.

There is so much more to lose.

“Promise me you won’t be stupid, Lea.” I murmur.

“Promise.” He says quickly, my eyes flick up. He smiles, warm as the sun, eyes melting my core. It is impossible not to meet him with equal intensity. 

I take a bite, he takes a bite. 

“We’ll get Roxas back, we’ll get our house, this is it, Rueki. Happily ever after.”

“You’re such a fucking sap.” I roll my eyes, but I’m still beaming at him. 

“That’s your fault. I wasn’t like this at all, before you came back around.” He reminds me. I bite my lip. 

“Yeah, well, me either.” I counter. “I think you might make me better than I am.”

“No think or might about it for me.” Lea shakes his head. He chuckles, this time with a little more feeling, though his laugh is still dry and humorless, comparatively. “Fuck, I wish I was good at stuff like this.”

“Stuff like what?” I say, head whipping around to him, and admittedly, I am distracted. 

So distracted, I don’t hear the footfalls behind us, just the voice.

“Shouldn’t the two of you be saying goodbye to your real home?”

Every muscle in my body goes impossibly tight. My lips curl over my teeth, my pupils dilate, my heart hammers, a drill in my ears. 

No. No, no, no, no.

My hands begin to tremble and I don’t know if it is nerves or merely the fact that my body is drawn too tight.

I can kill him. Right now. A quick thunder spell will knock him onto his ass, I don’t even need to summon my weapon. He might try to fight back, but I’ll draw him in with a magnet spell, inflict zero gravity on him and will not hesitate to slit his throat. It will be so quick, so easy, so simple, and then what will they have on their side to replace him? Demyx and Vexen have betrayed the seekers, surely they will not be taken back with open arms. One little act, one moment, one choice, and I can deter this impossible war. I can vanquish the inevitable.

But Lea squares his shoulders, twists defensively, tilts himself between Saix’s approaching figure and where I sit. 

I angle myself forward, eyes blown wide with rage and catch, out of the corner of my gaze, Lea’s shocked expression. My face softens just slightly, contorts a bit.

Oh.

This wasn’t his plan. A reunion with his would be friend was not his intention. Yes, his shoulders are tight, but his hands are limp, barely holding his ice cream, his foot taps the side of the clock tower. If this was not what Lea had in mind then--

“Talk fast.” I order Lea, who just looks too baffled for cognitive thought. 

“Rueks, I...I didn’t--”

“Talk or I’m going to kill him.” I say, through gritted teeth.

“A pleasure, as always.” Saix’s eyes flick to me, golden, penetrative. “I’m not here to fight. Relax.” But his tone is so condescending, I nearly lose it right here.

“I thought you fucking settled this while I was with Kairi!” I growl at Lea, who turns to me with huge eyes.

“I told you, I was busy, why would I--”

“I thought this is what you were busy with!” I hiss, because what the hell else would he be doing? I owe him this, this moment of pleading, this attempt at coaxing Isa back before I put my blade into VII. I clench and unclench my fist, to the best of my ability, while still holding onto the ice cream. I knew this moment would come, I knew at some point I would have to stomach the fact that Lea begged Saix to change his mind, I knew at some point a beautiful moment between the two of us would be tainted by the fact that Lea was met with failure. I knew this was going to happen, and yet, somehow, I think it is worse that I am part of this, part of Lea’s desperate plea to appeal to this beast’s humanity, something I know is long since dead.

“Lover’s quarrel? Shall I come back later?” And there’s almost something playful in Saix’s eyes, something I’ve never seen before.

“Get fucked.” I snap. “Lea, I swear, if you don’t hurry up with--”

“Goddammit, this isn’t what I…” And in the moment that Lea stumbles, struggles for words, Saix reaches over, snags an ice cream from his former friend’s hand, and takes a bite. “Hey!”

“You can’t eat all of this.” Isa rolls his eyes, taking a purposefully huge bite. This smug, smarmy, repulsive piece of fuck. The hell does he think he’s doing, sitting in, leisurely uncaringly. “Why four of them? One for each of you, one for Roxas and one for luck?” His eyes find mine, very pointedly, and this is when I realize, I don’t think he’s here for Lea.

“It was a mistake. Girl at the shop gave us one too many. Oh well.” I say, in a tone void of life, a tone that requires every bit of control I can manage. Saix cracks a smile, my stomach curdles. What the absolute fuck is his deal? If he came here solely to taunt me, he will be sorely disappointed when I offer him nothing. “Damn shame you’re a colossal piece of shit and weren’t invited.”

“Unless you’re here to...unless you’re the other traitor--” Lea starts, and sputters and I think his brain might very well be short circuiting. There is conflict very evident in his eyes, and I think this most certainly is not the way he planned to bargain with Saix either. It would be so much easier for him with me not seething on one side of him. 

“Got it memorized.” Saix says, all human clickbait, all trying to derail Lea’s broken train of thought. My eyes burn as I search the seeker in front of us, desperate to find a motive, desperate to give Lea his opening or take mine. But Saix is all smoke in mirrors, and for the briefest, glimpse of a moment, I think I see a playful edge. I think I see the hint of the boy there used to be: polite, intelligent, unafraid to poke at his friend. I know this is impossible though. My eyes roam the scars on my body, I bite down so hard on my cheek that I taste the wickedly metallic tang of my own blood. No, the boy inside of him is dead, just as equally as the girl inside of me is, and now, this isn’t a competition of who loves Lea most, this is a pissing contest, and instead of measuring love, we’re measuring which of our demons is bigger and badder. “Back when we were still friends, we used to sneak into the castle.”

“Yeah…” Lea breathes, tone unsteady, uneasy. I set aside the extra bar of ice cream, take another bite to finish mine and squeeze Lea’s hand. His eyes flick up to me, and he looks nothing shy of a wounded animal. His hand is limp in mine, he offers me the least believable half smile and tears his hand away.

“And we made a friend there, a girl. We apprenticed to Ansem the Wise to rescue her.” Saix reminisces, eyes finding mine again, searching for any hint of surprise. When he is not met with one, I watch a very tiny smile start to touch the edge of his lips. Unreadable as all hell, and now, here I am, feeling like I’m having a conversation with Xigbar.

Scratch that, even Xigbar doesn’t grate on my nerves so severely. 

I run my tongue over my teeth.

“Not hiding things from her any longer. Oh, the strides you’ve made.” Saix shakes his head.

“Isa, I swear--” Lea starts at the same time I snap.

“Rot in hell!” My calf spasms, my forearms shake, sparks begin to pop and crackle at my skin.

“Am I not allowed to be happy for my old friend?” Saix chuckles dryly at my reaction, the epitome of amused.

“You and I both know he gives a lot more of a shit about you than you deserve, so I’ll make this quick, because I love him. Your failures are your failures. You can get fucked if you think that you can blame me again and again for your shortcomings, because I may be a trash person, but for as much of a dumpster fire as I am, you have me beat in tenfold. So say your piece, because I promised Lea he’d get a chance. But don’t think for a second that you are anything shy of a piece of filth. Don’t think that your failures are anyone’s fault but your own. You don’t get to come here and blame me or guilt him, anymore.” I bite. Lea grabs my shoulder in his hand and pulls me back. I blink, eyes flying, wildly up to him.

No. Not after all this fucking progress, not after the peace, not after I finally felt myself begin to ease into the moment. After everything we have been through after a solid attempt at healthy communication, this cannot all come crashing to an end because of Saix. I chomp the inside of my cheek again, not wincing when my teeth bite into exactly the same spot.

“You know what, I’ll leave, you deserve to have your time, I wouldn’t want to interrupt.” More like I don’t want to fly off the handle and potentially do something rash to push Lea over the edge of peace. But he looks at me desperately, pleadingly.

“No, dammit, Rueki, stay.” He orders, inhaling sharply as he stares up at the sky, as though begging some unseen power for the strength to do the impossible: get through this conversation with Saix and I, without conflict. “Isa...damn, of all of the fucking days…” I notice his bone white knuckles on the verge of splitting through the bare skin of his hands. “Isa, we failed, okay, one day she was just gone, Rueki’s right if this is why you’re here, to make me feel worse about all of this, you should just leave!” 

A fire is lit beneath him. My lover is burning.

And he is standing, so steadfast, beside me.

I set a tender hand to my heart. Saix looks at me, at Lea, at my too vulnerable face and Lea’s blatant unrest, and then looks away.

“You gave up.” Saix murmurs. 

“I did not give up!” Lea snaps. “I just wanted to be friends with all of you, with her, with you, with Rueki, it shouldn’t always be too much to ask, why does it have to be about giving up? Do you think I wanted things to go this way? Cuz I didn’t. One day you and I are apprentices, the next Ansem the Wise has up and vanished, the day after that I lose Rueki, and we’re Nobodies. After that, we’re doing icky jobs for Xemnas and I lose you. How the hell was I supposed to keep up with you? Where could I...how could I maintain any of myself and follow you down, Isa? Couldn’t you see...couldn’t you tell that I wasn’t me anymore?”

I hear Lea’s voice shatter, I try for his hand again and this time, he lets me touch him. Saix’s eyes find where our hands meet, and he looks up to me, a voyeur caught. But there is no shame, no malice, no jealousy. So fucking unreadable, and I think this is the worst thing he could possibly be.

“Lea…” Saix murmurs, voice almost caressing his friend’s name. He clears his throat, takes a bite of his ice cream and twists his mouth. “Following Xehanort’s Nobody was the only way to find out what happened to her. She was his lab rat.” His voice is a grumble, so low, so spent. Lea squeezes my hand.

“So, you found her?” Lea asks in an uncharacteristically cautious voice. This is so unlike him, he who is unafraid of hope. “I helped you rise up the ranks, I did everything, became anything so that you could get to the top. I hope it paid off.” 

This feels so wrong. I shouldn’t be here right now, and yet, the more words that leave Lea’s mouth, the more I think I am here out of necessity and not want. His tether, his moral compass. 

Here to make him better than he is.

“I’m afraid not. Nary a trace. I started to wonder if we imagined her, if she ever existed in the first place.” Saix takes a bite of his ice cream, then another. Then, once again, his eyes find me and they pierce. “And then, in time, I awakened to a new purpose. I realized I could be stronger.”

Something dawns on me. Something hits me in a way that it cannot and should not hit Lea, who is so blinded by his passion for his friend. Damn. That is why Saix is here.

Not for Lea, not to intimidate us, not as a distraction. Undoubtedly, he is here for me. 

Because Lea was right, he is the traitor, but none of this is so very simple. He is the traitor and he knows I know, he is the traitor and he needs me to understand why. He is the traitor and Lea cannot know, because all of this change is too little, too late. These are not the words of a man looking to gain, but merely of man with nothing left to lose. This is his motivation, this is his final defense, this is his last supper.

Last night on earth.

This is a man who looks me in the eyes and bids me, without speaking, to take care of his friend, because despite the violent hate I feel toward him, he knows I love Lea enough for both of us. This is a man asking me to put him down.

And I don’t feel sympathy, forgiveness doesn’t course through me. But I think that might be the point of all of this.

These are not things he needs me to feel. He doesn’t need a friend, but a mercenary.

“Well then, you blew it! Wise up already and just quit.” Lea pleads, and it takes everything in me to keep my mouth shut, to keep this secret under wraps.

I don’t give a quarter of a fuck about Isa or Saix or whatever the hell he wants to go by. But Lea, he doesn’t just matter, he is everything, and words cannot express how poorly he would handle this. 

At the end of the day, the only thing Saix and I have ever had in common is how much we each love Lea.

“Lea, come on, let’s just head back home for the night.” I say, voice purposefully gentle as I pull at Lea’s sleeve. 

“No.” He shakes his head. “I’m not losing another…”

But you are, I want to scream. You are and you need to be okay with it.

“Face it, Roxas is just like our other friend. Gone forever, you need to accept that.” Saix tries, and it is so clear to me now, his voice is not laced with something unreadable, no, it is heavy with defeat. 

What happened to him?

And what is happening to me? I know why my stomach is twisting, I know why my skin, my blood and bones all feel impossibly cold, I know why my throat is tight and I want to close in on myself. And it isn’t fucking fair, this is all I have, this grudge, this hate that grips my insides and yanks with an impossible force has become so much and I can’t let go of it, I shouldn’t have to. I know it’s not a bad thing for me to be struggling with this, as far as morality goes, but I don’t want to let go of my need for revenge and I don’t want Ansem the Wise’s speech about vengeance being corrosive to run through my head, I just want fucking Saix to be as one dimensional as I had hoped he was. I just want this to be satisfying when I finally get to…

When I…

Fuck.

“You wish, I’m getting her back! All of them!” Lea protests. “Especially Roxas! Come on Isa, I even wanna drag you home just...come on!” He pleads. Saix’s eyes find mine, I look away again.

“He’s not coming back, Lea. He’s a lost cause.” I whisper, but Lea pounds a fist against the ledge of the clock tower.

“The marks under your eyes, they’re gone.” Saix observes, taking a final bite of his ice cream. 

“Yeah, don’t need em.” Lea says, squeezing my hand. My heart throbs as the pieces that threaten to crumble are once again fused back together by this man, this glorious man that I would gladly shoulder any impossible weight for.

“And you know what they’re for?” Saix asks and I nod.

“Of course I do. And he’s right, he doesn’t need them, ever again.” I draw Lea’s hand up to my mouth as I speak and place a gentle kiss on the back of his hand, eyes locked to golden ones the entire time. 

Lea is safe, and whatever Saix’s motivations, whether the failure of not finding this girl inspired a betrayal of Xehanort or whether it was something more, I do not know, but if he wants to grant us peace, I will gladly accept this gift. 

“He looks like he could use them right now.” Saix teases, smirk curling at the edges of his lips. 

“Would you get lost?” Lea snaps. “I already told you, you chose a hell of a time. Tonight was supposed to be for me and Rueki and if you’re not coming home then…”

He will not be able to finish this.

“Regardless if you’re coming home, I’m going to kill you tomorrow, Saix. You don’t get to live with what you’ve done, just because you come here and want to play at peace. You’re going to die and I am going to put you down like the rabid dog you are, so leave, before I lose my patience.” Stay, stay and antagonize me so I don’t feel bad about putting my blade into your chest.

“Is that a threat?” He chuckles, standing tall, setting his clean stick aside.

“A promise.” I counter. He smirks and for the first time, for the very first time, an unspoken understanding between the two of us is what keeps me afloat.

“Hmm.” He grunts, opening a portal with the wave of his hand. “I expect no less, truly, such a pleasure.”

And with that he is gone and I feel an absence I never thought I would feel.

 

A chill weaves in and out of every single one of my bones, anxiety pumps through my veins, I want to fade in on myself, to freeze this very moment, to never have to leave the safety, the comfort, to never have to look in the eyes the consequences of what I need to do. 

And when Lea finds out, inevitably he is going to find out, that I knew Saix was the traitor, he’s never going to forgive me… he won’t--

“Fucking asshole!” Lea roars, blazing with such intensity it could blind me. He pounds his fist once, twice, again and again into the ledge he sits on, his grip on my hand becomes a vice, too tight, too constricting. 

“Lea!” I try, protesting with a wavering voice.

“Goddamn fucking stupid… Of all of the times to…” He tears his hand away climbs to his feet and runs a hand through his hair. “He couldn’t just have waited for tomorrow, couldn’t have let me... What the hell kind of timing does he think he has?” 

“Lea, sitdown, come on, the sun hasn’t set yet, you promised me we’d watch the sunset.” I try in a voice that I think is similar to the tone he uses when he knows he needs to pacify me.

But despite the fact that I go off in quick and frequent bursts, Lea is infinitely harder to work up and infinitely harder to tame once he is. I grope for the leg of is pants, but he tears away, pacing behind me.

“Fuck it, it doesn’t matter. Let’s just go home, none of this was supposed to be like this, this whole fucking day is shot to shit.” He waves a hand, dramatic, flamboyant, impossible. I stand, stepping over the partially melted ice cream that I set aside earlier.

“Listen, I just put up with your stupid fucking boyfriend, so sit the fuck down and watch the sunset with me, okay?” I huff. “Come on, it’s been such a good day, fuck Saix, just hang out with me, please!”

“It was a good day, and now it’s just…” Lea rolls his shoulders back, clenches his jaw, opens and closes his fists, and I see my window and quickly slip a hand into his, from behind. “And tomorrow’s gonna be…”

“Lea, it’s fucking fine! We’ve still got the house, we’ve still got each other, we’ve still got our friends. The reason, the only reason we didn’t leave earlier was because I thought talking to him was going to be therapeutic for you. It was part of our deal, but if I knew he was going to get you this pissed off, I would’ve just clocked him and we could’ve watched the sunset somewhere else, come on, this was supposed to be our day to take a breather, so let’s take a fucking breather. I’m good, you’re good, we’re good.” I say, rubbing my thumb over his knuckles. “We are good, aren’t we? I didn’t say anything that I…”

“No, no, nothing compared to what you could’ve I know.” Lea mutters, voice lower, more of a grumble now.

“Then let’s just be okay. Please.” I urge. He still won’t turn to me.

“This wasn’t supposed to be okay, Rueki.” He mumbles, voice losing any malice, and now, distraught just taints his tone.

“Okay is fine Lea, for what we’re used to, okay is good.” I take another step forward, circle one arm around his middle and press my cheek into his back.

“This was supposed to be the perfect day.” Lea whispers.

“You didn’t let Saix and I kill each other, he and I exchanged words without murdering one another. I’d call it a pretty perfect day.” I say, rubbing a hand against his perfectly tight abdomen.

“You don’t get it, Rueks.” His hand that isn’t laced through mine finds the one that roams his stomach. He clutches it tight and stops me in my tracks. My face contorts as he begins to move my hand, to slowly guide it into an inner pocket in his vest.

Slowly, slowly…

To a velvety square shape.

My stomach has fallen out of my body, my lungs are carved from me.

Holy fucking…

Our joint hands take the box out of his pocket, Lea drops the hand that we have linked at his side and turns, black velvet box on full display.

“This was supposed to be the perfect day. You know, I really wanted to say something mushy about how I wanted to give you the perfect day, that I’ve had every day we spent together in the past two and a half years memorized, and you’ve made all of those damn days perfect.” He unhooks my hand from his, lowers himself, lower, lower, lower.

Holy fucking shit.

“I really wanted to figure out a way to tell you that if the rest of our lives are gonna start after tomorrow, then we are gonna find peace and happiness and everything else we haven’t got, and I don’t want to start the rest of our lives any other way than like this.” He’s on one knee, with the hand not holding the box, he grabs my hand, sliding his thumbs along my index finger. “This is it, Rueks. No more secrets, no more plans, no more problems and after tomorrow, no more trouble. Whatever memories we’re missing, we’ll get back together. Whatever this world throws at us, we’ll take it, because you’re my partner, and everything I can’t shield you from, you manage to fend off, no matter how brutal. You are it Rueki, from the very beginning, I’ve been so drawn to your heart, I’ve got you so memorized, and I know we’ve talked about this, but my head really is just that big sweetheart, I wanna hear you say it. Will you marry me?”

He flicks open the little velvet box. Inside of it rests a round cut diamond ring wrapped in a halo of rubies.

Red light travels the fastest.

My red light.

I don’t hesitate, my mind does not waver, I don’t waste a second of his time with vague statements or tears.

“Yes.”


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so full disclosure: author has experimented with anal. Author likes anal VERY much. But...fanfics glamorize the shit out of not using lube, bare backing and not prepping your partner. Everyone I know who has had an awful experience with anal, it's because the penetrated partner isn't in control and there's no prep. So, just like be safe and prepare and communicate if you're gonna do the do.
> 
> ANYHOW
> 
> Got a couple things I want to work on to interact more with you guys, and I'm torn as to whether or not I want to do like Instagram Live Q & A's OR (and probably none of you know this, but I do actually have a little bit of an acting background) I was also thinking of maybe doing KH playthroughs in character as Rueki, or making this fic into an audiobook? Idk, what do you guys feel like? Let me know.

XXX.

We take selfies. We clutch hands, kiss each other’s wrists, necks, hair. We trace one another’s knuckles, shoulders, touch each other’s faces.

Lea and I behave like adolescents in love, unsupervised giddy and satisfied just to bump and brush our fingertips.

I grab the half melted ice cream off of the ledge on the clock tower, we stick our tongues out and take a photo with my ring, front and center.

My ring, my engagement ring.

The world is made up entirely of him, my heart controls every ounce of me, light seems to trickle into my vision, my eyes are starry, darkness, for all intents and purposes no longer feels as though it exists. I feel drunk, elated. I think this might be heaven. 

Lea’s hands don’t leave my body. He brushes my back, my hips as his fingers slip between mine.

“Kairi’s pissed.” I laugh, looking at my phone as I all but skip, leading the way back to the Gummi Ship. Lea manages to kiss the top of my head as we walk, I laugh, as though it is the single most desireable gesture in the universe. “You didn’t ask her permission.” I say, thumbing through the plethora of comments that our friends have added to the picture we decided to post.

The sun hangs low in the sky, Lea chuckles and I nearly dissolve.

“Well jeez, sweetheart, I asked Cid, who else was I supposed to ask?” He laughs, I freeze, he nearly topples over me but catches my middle in his arms as he fumbles for balance. I laugh, he scoops me up, twirls me around and presses me into the wall of the nearest building. I squeal, but he silences me, mouth finding mine, hot and urgent. I graze his jaw, his fingers trail up the curve of my waist and then suddenly he stops, hands coming up to hold my face. I bite back a smile, he strokes my cheeks. “We’re fucking engaged.”

“We’re fucking engaged.” I say, all giddy trembles. “I can’t believe you asked Cid.”

“I mean, hey, the last memories he had of me where probably when I used to be a dick to you and you would kick me in the shins. I had to leave some sort of good impression, I mean, hell, what did you think I was doing when he and I ditched you and Kairi before we started training?” He asks, though he doesn’t move in the slightest and I don’t mind, the simple weight of him pressed to me seems to ease my muscles, release my joints, bring me to life and cure whatever ails me.

“You sneaky fuck.” I grin. “So that was the big plan then, that’s why I had to go to the island with Kairi? So your lazy ass could sneak in time to pick up a ring?”

“It’s not like I was actually procrastinating, I was busy training.” He reminds me.

“And eating ice cream, and playing Verum Rex.” I tease.

“Is it not the perfect ring?” He raises an eyebrow. I roll my eyes.

“You could’ve propsed to me with a fucking popsicle stick, you dumb idiot. I love you so fucking much.” I twine my arms around his neck, he scoops me up by the tops of my legs. “Can we just stay like this forever?”

“Your escapist wishes are my command.” He grins, kissing my jaw, my ear, kissing each place on my body he can find as though it is the very first time. 

I see a silver lining, a moment where I’m thankful for our trauma because it has led us here, and high on delirium and the smoldering man pressed against me, I can find no cloud in the sky, no rain. Just him. Just him and this perfect-

Oh!

 

Something lights up inside of me. Something grows warm, something swirls inside of my chest and stomach, something tingles my limbs, cauterizing raw nerve endings, healing open wounds, sharing a curing light that seems to revive every bit of my strength, my energy, my heart--

No, not mine.

Sora’s.

From within my heart, I see a huge smile, a crinkled, freckly nose, huge indigo eyes.

‘I want to be a part of your life no matter what, that’s all.’

That sly little minx.

Breath comes back to me too fast, flooding my lungs, filling my brain. My eyes go huge but my pupils shrink, I don’t even realize the hellish grip I have on Lea until I hear him calling my name.

“Rueki! Rueki!” He’s wincing as he tries to untangle us, tries to set me on my feet. “Fucking hell…” 

“Shit!” I gasp, unlatching from him, falling to my feet. “Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to.” I shake my head, blinking back the blinding light that seems to pulsate straight from my heart. With each beat, with every thump, the glow pulsates, reverberating through my veins. This is beyond surreal, this is inebriating. 

“Sweetheart, you alright?” Lea asks. I blink, looking back to him.

“Sorry, yeah, Sora’s heart kind of just burst. Kairi and him shared a paopu.” I tell him.

“Fucking kids, stealing our thunder.” Lea shakes his head. “Didn’t they know we’ve been busy? I mean, that’s pretty fucking rude, beating us to the punch like that.” He grins, his smile warms me from head to toe.

“To be fair, I’m pretty sure they were fantasizing about sharing one with each other before you or I even knew what one was.” I say, hand eagerly finding his again, overwhelmed by the excitement in my own heart and mind as well as Sora’s pleasure, pumping through me.

“Yeah, yeah, well you can’t contain anything and I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to making you wait.” He tucks the index finger of his free hand beneath my chin, tilting me upward and onto my toes so that I can press my lips to his.

His mouth is so hot, so soft.

I don’t know that I’ve ever felt bliss like this.

If I could bottle this feeling up, I would gladly--

I know better than to trust this. I know so much better.

Enjoy this, Rueki, I think to myself. Enjoy this because the other shoe is going to drop and if it doesn’t kill me literally I know the emotional repercussions will make me wish I am dead. On the right side or not, I don’t think anyone gets to emerge from this war, dripping with glory, glistening with success.

Something will go wrong, something will fall apart. It alway does.

\--

We get to the Gummi Ship and Lea is so good at keeping me distracted, sporadically pausing to kiss every square inch of me he decently can, and I’ll admit, it would be easy to be placated as he muses about dates and locations for our wedding, but I’m afraid to even begin planning.

A beach wedding with all of our friends, a flowing dress, my hair pulled up, Lea and I splitting a paopu fruit.

I cannot be a widow before I am even married and I don’t know whether the thought of living in a world without Lea or the thought of him broken, crippled by agony as I die, permanently in his arms, frightens me more. I hate this dread, I hate this panic, but it doesn’t just creep toward me, it rides, a constant demon on my back.

It could be so beautiful. Lea’s hands in mine, the two of us could make stupid faces as our ceremony lasts too long and I count the endless seconds until I can throw myself at him and kiss him, for the first time, as husband and wife.

So much writes on this, my cure spell is quick on my lips, I can reflect an attack, I am stronger, faster, more determined than I have ever been, and yes, that is extraordinary that I’m well trained and not simply relying on grit and determination. But I think of how Larxene electrocuted me, of how Marluxia was a tricky battle even with Axel at my side, how even with magic, the one time it mattered, the one time he actually put a lick of effort in, Xigbar destroyed me. Even if Saix lays his blade down and allows me to tear through him without a struggle, which I sincerely doubt he will, there is still Xemnas, Vanitas, Ansem--

I will still have to look Luxord in the eye.

We clamber off of the ship as my brain bounces back and forth between clinging giddy enthusiasm and falling too hard and too fast into absolute despair.

We walk through the doors of the tower, walk up a flight of stairs and are transported into a strange room that neither of us have been in before, a room that likely appeared out of necessity. A dining room, living room combination that Aqua, Ventus, Sora, Riku and Kairi are already in.

It takes approximately six seconds for Kairi to shriek the loudest, most high pitch squeal, leap up from beside Sora and come barreling toward me. 

Truly, it might be anatomically impossible to be worried with Kairi’s arms around me. 

She tackles me in a tight hug, slight form nearly knocking me off my feet.

“Let me see it, let me see it!” And I know what she means, of course, but with her arms tethered around me, it’s hella difficult to wiggle my left hand out, but somehow, I do. For her, I do. She detaches from me for just long enough to take my left hand in her hands and hold it up to her face. “Shit, you did really good, Axel.” She nods, approvingly.

“Anything to appease my fiance’s girlfriend.” Lea grins, smile spreading like wildfire across his angular face.

Fiance. Holy fucking shit. My heart straight up skips a beat.

“You’re getting married!” Kairi beams.

“I’m getting married!” I laugh.

“To Axel...which I don’t get but whatever.” Kairi makes a purposefully nauseous face as she fights back giggles. 

“It’s cuz his dick is giant.” I say, flatly, and now Kairi makes a somehow more disgusted face.

“I hate you so much.” She says.

“Well fuck, now who’s going to be my maid of honor, if you hate me?” I ask. She nearly trembles with excitement.

“Seriously?” She asks.

“I mean, if I can’t marry both you and Lea, then like yeah, it’s the least I can do.” I shrug. She straight up leaps into my arms, knocking the both of us onto the floor. We tumble, a mess of giggles as Lea stands, one hand cocked on his hip, as he gazes down at us.

“You two need a minute?” He asks.

“Suck my dick.” Kairi tells him and I hug her tighter.

“You’re the best person ever, Kai. I’m seriously so proud of you.” I say. “And I felt that paopu thing, seriously kid, you’re too perfect.” I whisper, voice low enough that only she can hear. She climbs off of me, face the same color as her hair.

Surprisingly, Aqua is the one at my side, pulling me to my feet, huge smile on her perfect face.

“Congratulations, Rueki, Lea.” She says, and I grin from ear to ear, smile impossibly, uncomfortably wide as my fingers find Lea’s again.

It would be so easy to disappear into this moment, this bliss.

And I think, if I make it out alive, I want to remember this, right here, right now, exactly as it is, I want to hold onto this moment even as it already slips between my fingers. I want to remember Aqua’s hand in mine as she pulls me up, I want to remember the huge, goofy smile on Ventus’ face. I want to remember how even Riku looks at peace, I want to remember the glow from within Sora’s heart, the feeling of Kairi throwing her eager arms around me.

I want to remember Lea taking my hand and getting down onto one knee.

“Yeah, congratulations, did you guys decide on anything yet?” Ventus asks, and my brain screams in protest. Riku rolls his eyes.

“They got engaged an hour ago, Ven, weddings don’t just get planned overnight.” Riku says.

“Have you planned many?” Aqua teases, cheeky smile threatening the edges of her lips as she finds her way back to the couch that Riku, Ventus and Sora still sit on. Kairi follows suit, plopping down on the arm of the couch closest to Sora.

“Beach wedding, simple ceremony, friends and family only. Gotta wait until Roxas comes back, of course, cuz he’s gonna be my best friend. Thinking red for the color.” Lea says and while part of me is insanely stoked that he is creative where I am practical and has already thought up this much, there’s still the tightening in my throat.

There’s still--

“So what did we miss while I was giving the prettiest girl I know the best day of her life?” Lea asks, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me into his lap in an adjacent chair. 

“Stop being cringey and start calling me a drowned rat again.” I tease him back, pretending to push him aside, but he tightens his hold on me and his arms are so fucking warm, I can’t not melt into him. I can’t not think of how my head fits perfectly, tucked beneath his jaw, or how his hands wrap around mine just right, orr how good he smells.

“Trying to sweet talk Aqua and Riku into letting us drink with you guys.” Kairi pouts, leaning forward. I raise an eyebrow.

“What are we drinking?” Lea asks.

“Why are we drinking?” I ask.

“To celebrate!” Sora chirps. “We made it this far, we’ve just got to take down the seekers! With all of us and Donald and Goofy and the King and probably Roxas too, there’s no way we can lose!”

And if Sora were already drunk, I would say I want whatever he is having. 

“So we’re having a last night on earth drink, because that’s not morbid at all.” I roll my eyes.

“More like a last night with darkness looming over us, drink.” Riku counters. “And it’s just wine, nothing exciting.”

“It’s from Master Eraqus’ study. He kept it locked away, so it’s probably pretty old.” Ventus confesses. 

“I still don’t understand why you and Riku can drink but Sora and I can’t.” Kairi huffs at the blond.

“Because Ven is technically older than Axel and I’m two months away from eighteen.” Riku says, unflinchingly as he rises, retreating to the kitchen to gather said bottle of wine. 

“Besides, sixteen is the drinking age in our world, Ven’s not too far off from that, physically.” Aqua informs us.

“Sixteen?” I raise an eyebrow. “Fuck. It’s twenty one in Transmute City.”

“But you’re from Radiant Garden, it’s eighteen for us, you’re golden, sweetheart.” Lea squeezes my knee, and I’m so fucked that this simple gesture lights me up, even after all this time.

“I can assure you, I have no desire to drink.” I say. “Del and I got fake ID’s when we were younger, we both got drunk, and I had to hold his hair back while he puked, trust me, not an experience I have any great desire to relive.”

“See, Rueki had a drink under age, she turned out fine! It’s one glass of wine, Riku!” Kairi protests as Riku returns with a freshly uncorked bottle and takes a swig out of it. 

“No cups.” He confesses, hands the bottle to Aqua, who takes a swig, and then proceeds to regard Kairi. “Rueki’s marrying Axel, you don’t want to end up like that.” He then casts me a sheepish look. “No offense.”

“Oh dude, none taken, I’m genuinely the worst, you could’ve been so much meaner.” I wave a hand. “But I’ll take responsibility for Kairi, I promise you, I will not let her get fucked up and I will funnel water down her throat if that’s what she needs.” I offer. Kairi looks at Riku with hopeful eyes. He makes a face.

“Kai…” He sighs.

“Rueki’s not having a drink, let me have hers!” She pleads. “Come on Riku, you guys never let me do anything.” And this girl, I swear, is going to be the death of her older friend. Riku runs a hand through his hair and casts me a look.

“Only because Rueki is going to be a lot meaner than me if you get out of hand, you don’t want to be hungover before the battle tomorrow.” Riku sighs. Kairi cheers.

“What about me?” Sora pouts, Riku rolls his eyes.

“Fine, fine, one sip.” Riku groans. Sora and Kairi high five, Ventus takes a swig and makes a face.

“This is disgusting.” He mutters.

“It’s just really dry. Things don’t need to be sugary sweet to be good, Ven.” Aqua insists and takes another pull from the bottle. “Actually, this is very good, I wonder where the Master got it.”

“The toilet.” Ven answers. Aqua rolls her eyes, Riku takes another drink.

“It’s smooth.” He agrees.

“I wanna try!” Sora whines and with a grunt, Riku thrusts the bottle at his friend, who quite literally claps. Oh, poor precious baby, I completely see what Kairi meant about Sora once trying to swear to seem ‘cool like Riku’, if anyone in this room should not be allowed to drink, it is Sora. But he does and actually looks like he might spit it out. “Ugh, water!” He shoves the bottle into Kairi’s hands and makes a whole big show of darting to the kitchen, shoving his head under the sink and running the faucet into his mouth. The sheer force of Riku’s eye roll both implies that he is losing brain cells at Sora’s mere actions, and that he could cause a natural disaster just from the gesture. I take notes.

“I could’ve told you that you weren’t going to like it but you were the one that had to try it.” Riku reminds him.

“Gotta let the kids make their own mistakes, got it memorized?” Lea pipes in. Kairi takes a long swig, scrunches her face up but at least has the good graces to not overreact like Sora.

“It’s...I mean it’s not terrible, but it kind of tastes like sour grapes and rubbing alcohol.” She passes the bottle to Lea, who is the opposite of hesitant as he takes a drink.

“Are you kidding me? This is good shit.” Lea insits. “Like way fancier than what I stole from Isa’s parents freezer.”

“I’m literally not even surprised that you stole booze from your boyfriend’s parents.” I say. Lea extends the bottle toward me. “I’m good.”

“Peer pressure.” Kairi whispers.

“Who else is going to be the tie breaker as to whether this is good or not?” Lea asks.

“You’re the fucking worst.” I mutter, snatching the bottle up from him.

“Which is why you’re marrying me. We’re a match made in hell, sweetheart.” But he kisses my temple and my insides flutter.

“Rueki, you don’t need to if you don’t want to.” Aqua insists.

“No, I do.” I disagree as I take a sip from the bottle and immediately make a face, passing it forward to Riku again. “Nope, disgusting, tastes like horse piss. Tie broken.” I announce.

“Tell me again, Rueks, how you know what horse piss tastes like?” Lea grins.

“I’ve sucked your dick, haven’t I?” I deadpan, even as I lean into him. To my utter surprise, it is Riku who barks out a hysteric laughter before immediately sealing his lips and shoving the bottle back to Aqua.

“Sorry, that was--”

“Stop being sorry, Riku, just laugh, have fun, stop worrying about being a role model for Sora and I, we’re fine!” Kairi assures him, leaning across Sora and setting a hand on Riku’s. 

“Yeah, Riku. You deserve to have fun too.” Sora assures his friend, setting a hand on top of where Kairi’s rests. Riku looks away, smiling softly, despite the conflict that is evident in his eyes. He doesn’t want to enjoy this, he doesn’t want to enjoy any of this, but there is no denying, after one look at him, that he certainly does.

“It’ll be nice when I don’t have to look after either of you two and can just nap on the beach.” He says. Kairi grins, hugely, Sora squeezes their joint hands. 

“When we can go swimming and have fun every day.” Sora agrees.

“When I can go on so many adventures you two become jealous.” Kairi giggles.

“When we have Terra back.” Aqua agrees, and there’s something softly optimistic in her eyes and I don’t know how she can stomach hope, after a decade in hell, but the optimism in the air is tangible, it sinks in far deeper than the skin.

“When I can focus on becoming a Master.” Ven includes.

“When Roxas is back.” Lea grins. I brush my fingertips across his and despite the odds, despite my mind, despite what logic says, I sink in.

“When we’re married.” I murmur.

Hope doesn’t come easy, but even I hold my breath, praying it is worth it.

\--

Lea all but carries me to our room and I don't even protest. Body spent and heavy I lean into him right up until the moment our designated bedroom door closes behind us and he sets me on my feet. The second this happens, the very second, Lea’s voice sounds off right behind my ear.

“Fire.” Immediately eight tea light candles are ignited, illuminating the room by just enough to see.

In the orange, glowing light of the fire, I make out red rose petals, satin sheets. My heart leaps into my mouth and immediately starts gushing.

“Lea…” I breathe.

“We did without things like this for so damn long, Rueki. I can’t wait to make up the romance to you.” His mouth finds my neck and a whimper immediately escapes my lips. Suddenly, it’s the very first time, all over again, and I am nothing beyond a mess of need and overheated nerve endings. “Tell me what you want, beautiful. Tonight, it’s yours.” And it hardly seems fair. Because he is the one that cast anxiety aside and got down on one knee, he is the one who plotted this elaborate, perfect day. He is the one I should be making things up to, and aiming to please.

“Just touch me, Lea.” I sputter, as he guides me to the bed, which I fall back on.

“You’re making this way too easy on me, beautiful.” And he’s hovering over me, eyes catlike in the cande lit glow. My body is tight with anticipation, holding an impossible breath. Closing the distance, he brushes his lips, light as a feather, against mine. A strangled little cry bubbles from my chest.

“Please.” I beg, and he obliges, slipping his mouth onto mine. I press my chest into him, hands twining through his hair, desperate to feel every ounce of myself against him. Skin against skin could not be close enough. Unmuffled cries spill from my lips as Lea starts to lick and suck along my jaw. His mouth is too hot, too wet for coherent thoughts to form in my mind and oh, do I love it. “My girl, my wife.” He whispers against my skin.

Shivers dance up and down my body as Lea’s teeth find the zipper of my dress.

Sweet fuck.

And as he’s dragging the zipper down my body, every muscle in my body goes tight, I grip the sheets, face contorting.

“I love you, Lea.” I whimper as he tugs the remainder of my dress down my legs, fingers and flames brushing my skin and igniting in their wake. “Fuck!” I choke, eyes rolling back, pleasant tingles spreading up my thighs. 

“So fucking pretty.” He whispers, gripping my calf with one hand and tugging off my boots and socks. He makes quick work of the other boot and dips his head to suck the skin of my ankles between his teeth. The most pathetic of cries spills from my lips, my hips buck. It should be embarrassing, how vocal I am at the tiniest gesture, but my eyes find his in the hazy orange light, and all I can think is that I never need to be ashamed of anything again. In his arms, I am home. His tongue traces up the curve of my calf muscle up past my knee, to my thigh. He draws the skin of my inner thigh between his lips, eyes meeting mine, and even in the dark, I can see lust clouding them. He is hazy and high and doesn’t seem to give a quarter of a fuck as he leaves vibrant, red hickeys along the inside of my thighs. He works his way up, mouth so hot, so wet, I swear he leaves steam in his wake as he works up to where my panties are and sucks the fabric between his teeth. I choke, slamming my fist against the bed.

“Goddammit!” I choke, voice shattering with frustration, but Lea just chuckles, breath scalding against the lips of my pussy. And without a moment of satisfaction, he’s sucking back down, teeth scraping across the inside of my opposite thigh, hands greedily groping at the abundance of flesh upon my hips. My head falls back, my eyes flutter shut. Lea bites down on the inside of my thigh and I gasp.

“Eyes on me, beautiful.” He breathes against my leg, and I’m not sure how he can see my face in the dark, but I try so hard to watch him. He’s fantastic, his teeth equal parts gentle and demanding as he grips the fabric of my panties between his teeth. My stomach lurches, my shoulders shake, my breath rattles. Lea hooks his thumbs through the edges of my panties, I struggle to tug off my micro hoodie and cast it aside.

His fingers create a perfect ‘v’, spreading my pussy. His eyes find mine, his nose bumps my clit, I chomp down on the inside of my cheek. Every muscle in my body is already too tight, my body is already screaming in desperation. Lea bites back a grin and slips his tongue against my clit.

My head falls back, sinking into the pillow. Breath comes in short, staccato waves, my eyes roll back. My hands fist the sheets, my hips buck, pussy jammed into his mouth. And this time, Lea doesn’t tease me, he grips my hips and pulls me in, impossibly tight, eager to taste and touch as much of me as he can. His tongue flicks wildly, rapidly against my clit and my hips shift, desperate to find the most perfect spot. 

“Lea, Lea, Lea.” I call out, my body twitching, working against his perfect mouth. His fingers dance along the skin of my thighs, flames coming to life on me. My body seizes, my legs tighten impossibly as he hits just the right spot and I come with a cry, hips sputtering into his mouth.

He pulls away, wiping my juices off of his chin with the back of his hand. 

My heart skips a beat, but Lea doesn’t miss a moment. Instead, he gropes my hips and flips me over, a cry spilling from my mouth as he parts my ass and dips his tongue into my asshole. And I think to tell him to let me shower first, or tell him that I want him to come before I get to again, but as a finger joins his tongue, I become post verbal.

Lea stretches me, fills me in the most amazing way possible, mouth making the most fantastic wet, smacking noises against my ass. Were that not enough, the combination of his hot breath, the brush of his lips and the finger exploring, teasing, pushing deeper and deeper into my ass, would be. My toes curl, involuntarily I clench around his finger, but Lea remedies my tension by kissing the curve of my ass, where my ass meets my thighs. His featherlight mouth has me sighing. My stomach presses into the mattress, my back arches, my hair spills back and with his free hand, Lea is gentle as he brushes my hair aside.

“Good for you, baby?” He asks and I want to tell him this is too much--and just enough, oh just enough. The sensory overload is overwhelming in the most perfect, brilliant way possible, but the most I can manage is

“Another finger!” I plead. There’s so much of this, of him, to take in, pleasure seems to rush over me in ways that scarcely seem possible to comprehend. He chuckles, mouth against the very top of my thighs. 

“You’re fucking perfect, Rueks. How, oh how did I get so lucky?” He breathes. 

“Leah, please, I--” Cannot formulate a coherent sentence, but need him to understand that with just a little more, he can send me over the edge again.

Slowly, gently, he works another finger in and fuck, this is good. So good, my brain goes hazy, a stream of want. He spits, saliva hot and thick as he coaxes me open, further, further. Everything feels so impossibly tight around him, the muscles of my forearms clench, and I think if I could just relax instead of trying to take and feel everything, just force the impossible coil inside of me to unwind just a bit, this would be everything. 

His fingers twitch inside of me, working so tenderly in the softest scissoring motion, and oh, dear Twilight--

My hips jerk, my eyes go huge, this is the most he’s had in my ass and despite every bit of my inexperience, Lea is patient, affectionate, sweet in each of his movements, awaiting moans and incantations of approval that I am so pleased to offer him. 

“Deeper.” I choke, finding my body easing, ever so slightly each time he pumps, each time he moves. With the snap of his wrist, Lea’s fingers press so deep, I swear every nerve ending in my body zings with electric current.

Dizzy, hazy and on edge all at once, a strangled moan spills from my lips. 

I’m going to break for this man, my worries wash away, my anxiety melts and the most delightful, delirious thought fills my mind.

I never want to forget this moment, I never want to abandon this high. There is a great desperation to commemorate this in some way, in any way I can. 

I need to remember forever, how good it feels to be so caught up in his love that the rest of the universe ceases to exist. 

“Lea, baby, stop.” I plead, voice crackling, face flushed as he slowly, slowly pulls his fingers out of me. 

The abrupt emptiness has my stomach twitching and spasming in anticipation.

“You okay, Rueks? I didn’t hurt you did I, cuz I wouldn’t--”

This sweet, wonderful, perfect man. This fucking idiot. This damn king.

I flip onto my back, grab his shoulders and pull him up toward me. My lips meet his, all hot breath mingled with his perfectly wet tongue. I push my chest to his, twine my fingers through his hair and try to convey every ounce of how much I want this, every ounce of how sure I am about everything he is, all with one simple gesture.

“You have lube?” I ask as we part, lips bumping. Even in the dark, I can see how huge Lea’s eyes become. Suddenly, he is a stumbling, stuttering mess.

“I um...yeah… I--”

“Take my ass, Lea.” I beg. “I want all of you tonight.”

He is so rigid above me, his arms impossibly tight. For a second, I think I might have broken him, but he does, undoubtedly recover from his brain’s temporary short circuit, and scrambles off of me and to his feet. He fumbles around, in the dark, searching through a drawer in the nightstand. 

“I didn’t expect or anything, Rueks, I just wasn’t sure if maybe--”

“It’s okay, it’s good that you did.” I nod, and then, in a cheekier tone, I order “Now stop talking and fuck me.” He turns to me, eyes dark, wicked. My stomach flips. Why is he so gorgeous when he’s frightening?

His vest comes off, then the flannel, then his shirt, and my eyes have adjusted, but I watch him strip in the candle light and wonder how someone so beautiful is mine. I bite back a grin, turn my fingers into a square, pantomiming a camera. He raises a narrow brow as he struggles out of his boots and pants, head tilted sideways. It takes a second for him to make out what I’m doing, but when he does, he grins.

“Got it memorized.” He teases. I roll my eyes.

“I’d rather memorize you fucking me.” I counter. His grin becomes sheepish, nervous, an almost sideways gaze.

“Don’t let me hurt you, Rueks, seriously.” He says, shedding the remainder of his clothing. “Speak up, I’ll check in with you, but this is gonna be a little different than just fingers.” He warns.

“I trust you.” I say, flatly. And I think I do. I trust Lea, I believe in Lea, when the world is falling apart, he is a pillar, when I need him most, he hoists me to my feet and kisses away the ache. When everything is unbearable, he is a stark contrast.

I love him.

He leans in, presses his forehead to mine and kisses me fiercely but quickly.

“I won’t move until you tell me to, sweetheart.” He insists. I bite my lip and in the dark, in this moment, the gesture feels dangerous, sexy. 

“I want you to come in my ass tonight, Lea. Don’t make me wait.” I beg, tracing his jawline. I watch his shoulders go impossibly tight. 

“On your hands and knees.” He orders and I flip, crawling deeper into the bed as I hear a noise that I haven’t heard since Del and I were together, the metallic tearring of the foil cover of a condom. I make a face. 

Thank fuck for the IUD I got a few weeks into being with Del. Sex without condoms just feels so much better.

But I hear the squirting of lube. My stomach twists, my heart jolts. Truly, that shouldn’t be such a sexy sound. But then, he’s rubbing lube across my asshole, a teasing finger dipping inside and I sigh, eyes fluttering back. No, no, no, this is exactly as arousing as it should be.

He lines himself up, hands anxious and trembling on my hips.

“Come on, Lea. I want my fiance to fuck my ass.” I urge. Behind me, he grunts so depraved, a sound he cannot keep down despite what I’m sure is a monumentos effort. And I didn’t expect to have to be the one begging him for this.

“Don’t let me hurt you.” He chokes out, enunciating every single syllable, as though the effort is excrutiting.

His hips ease forward, and slowly, slowly, he sinks into me.

My throat is tight, my chest constricts, my first thought is fuck, he’s not going to fit, this is going to hurt. I fist the sheets and force words to come from my impossible lips.

“Lube, more lube.” I saythrough gritted teeth, and Lea is quick and extremely liberal with the bottle. He pushes forward a little more, rubbing the small of my back with one hand.

“Better, baby?” He asks, and it is. The sheer amount of lube has made a world of a difference. I nod, grunting just a little. “Rueks.”

Fucker.

“Yeah, keep going.” I say, taking a deep, even breath. And he does. Caressing my back, my thighs, he presses forward a little more, a little more, checking in on me by the inch. His mouth finds my back and trails up to my shoulders as he eases in. It is...not altogether the worst. But every little bit he moves, my body wants to repel. He stretches me beyond the point of discomfort, to the point that I am gripping the sheets with white knuckles and a set jaw.

A little more, a little more and he’s fully seated. My shoulders rise and fall, and Lea, for all of his effort, stays perfectly still, though he nearly vibrates behind me. 

Okay, I coax myself. We can do this, I can do this. I shift my hips slightly against him, trying to adjust and--oh!

My eyes go huge as the pain is ebbed and replaced by the most delicious, tantalizing feeling. Lea sinking into me was not an inherently pleasurable experience, but now that he is inside of me, now that I’m rocking, experimentally against him, I get the appeal. The stretching isn’t just nice, it’s electric, and oh, do I want more.

“Move, baby.” I try. But he doesn’t immediately thrust. Instead, he rocks his hips in a perfect circular motion, so tiny, so tight at first, and then slower, wider. One hand flies between my legs and Lea mimics those same circles, with his fingers, around my clit. My eyes flutter back, my breath shudders. Goddamn, he’s good.

And I’m surprised by how little time it takes for him to circle his hips, to tease my clit with soaked hands, before I’m literally whining for more. I make small, pathetic noises that I simply cannot keep at bay as I rock back into him and grind my ass into the base of his shaft.

“Rueks--” His voice crackles. “You can’t do...I’m not gonna be able to hold still if--”

“That’s the point.” I breath, voice dangerously low, and Lea straight up growls. His his snap back and then into me and I cry out, vision momentarily going white. But my hips twitch back, desperate, needy for more and Lea is all too keen to deliver. 

“Oh fuck.” He chokes, index finger slipping lazily, languidly against my clit. “So pretty, so fucking pretty. Spread out just like this for me.” 

His words reverberate straight to the heat that is beginning to pool in my stomach once again.

“Nice and tight for you, baby?” I moan, my own eyes fluttering back. He groans loudly, and with every bit of effort he can manage, he starts to work into a slow, steady rhythm, working in and out of my ass. And it’s all buildup, it’s a powerful sensation that draws me almost immediately, straight to the edge and keeps me there, teetering just so. This is so new, so different and has me somehow worked up beyond compare.

“So fucking tight, Rueks.” He agrees. “So fucking hot, you’ve got such a perfect ass.” And he gropes at it with the hand that he had been using to steady himself on my back. My ass clenches at the sensation and Lea nearly screams, slamming that hand on the bed, hips bucking too hard, too fast. I yelp, pressing myself away from him, but it doesn’t lessen the sudden jolt.

“Shit.” I hiss.

“Sweetheart, fuck.” He chokes, voice strained. “I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“You’re good.” I shake my head. 

“Cool, cool.” He moves his hand away from the bed, traces a finger across the curve of my ass. I bump back onto him. He sighs, finger tap, tap, tapping my clit, my throat goes impossibly tight and as he sinks back down into me, it becomes so very easy to forget the pain and focus on the just right pressure of Lea inside of me.

It doesn’t take long until his name spills from my lips, a perfect mantra.

“Lea, baby, yes.” I groan, his pace picks up, and he’s moving slower than he does when he fucks my pussy, but it’s doing wonders for the both of us, based on the tiny little noises he’s making from behind me. His thumb teases my overheated, aching clit, a finger presses into my cunt, my body spasms, my eyes roll back. “Yes, fuck, dammit, please, that’s it.” I beg.

“Dammit, Rueks, I’m almost--” His voice shatters, but I pick up for him. Where he is weak, I am strong.

“You gonna make me come, baby? Are you gonna make me squirt with your cock in my ass?” I ask. “If I knew you filling my ass felt this good, I would have begged for it sooner.”

“Yes, yes, fuck more.” Lea whines, his hips sputter, twitch, all it takes is one little push.

“Come in my ass, Lea.”

“Fuck!” He hisses, slamming into me, I screech, pinching my eyes shut as he rattles straight through the waves of his orgasm. But I’m not done, and unlike when he fucks my pussy, as he pulls out of me, I’m not content to just roll into Lea’s arms. I need more dammit, I need more. My nerve endings are still alight, my body begs for release from that perfect and instantaneous edge that fucking my ass brought me to.

Lube trickles down the back of my thighs, Lea pulls his sweat slickened chest away from my back, peeling himself away.

“How long until you can go again?” I ask, feeling the brush of fabric on my ass, and didn’t assume, yeah right. Lea was hella optimistic, tucking a towel beneath the bed and everything.

“Rueks..are you sure?” I feel kisses rain down on my back and hips.

“I’m only getting engaged once.” I turn back, grinning wickedly at him. The look on his face is breathtaking. Fuck, he’s pretty.

“Give me like...five seconds to shower.” He says. 

“Make it four or I’m going to finish myself without you.” I say, pushing myself to my feet. 

Fucking hell, I’m going to need an Elixir in the morning. 

Lea grabs my hips, twirls me around and presses his body flush to mine, skin sweltering. I lean up on my toes, chest sticky with sweat as it brushes his. I bite my lip, begging ‘please, please, please’ with every bit of my mind, and like he does, like he always does, he presses his lips to mine and satisfies every one of my needs, intellectual, amorous, carnal. He kisses me and I think that this very well might be the last ounce of darkness melting out of my heart.

“Don’t you dare start without me.” He warns, forehead pressed to mine, lips brushing mine with every bit of movement. My fingernails bite into his forearms as I repress a shudder.

And just as I fall into his heat, he disappears, all but sprinting to the bathroom. I set a hand to my chest once the door is sufficiently closed behind him and count the beats.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

My hands come up to my face, fingertips dancing along my lips and cheekbones before fully covering my face. I bite my lips and giggle deliriously. 

Oh my fuck, dear Twilight, I love him. I love him idiotically, unabashedly, without even the faintest trace of regret. 

It takes too long for Lea to come back to where I lay, on my back, legs dangling off the edge of the bed, towel beneath me. My eyes are closed, but they flutter open as his too hot lips brush mine.

“You too tired?” He asks.

“Never.” I shake my head, looping my arms around his neck. 

And he is heaven, gripping me with equal parts security and tenderness as he shifts me in the bed, setting my head against the pillow.

“You’re gonna wanna hang out for a little longer before you try to push the rest of the lube out.” He tells me, lips finding my temples, my hairline. “You don’t wanna overexert yourself.”

“Why are you the sweetest person ever?” I ask.

“Because you’re a brat and someone has to balance you out.” He grins lopsidedly, my stomach backflips. I smoosh a hand to his cheek, pressing his face away. 

“I change my mind. Kairi says she can hook me and Riku up, send him in on your way out.” I wrinkle my nose. He sucks the skin of my neck into his mouth and I giggle.

“I promise you Rueks, there’s no upgrading here. No one’s gonna fuck you like I do.” A hand grasps my thigh, rough, claiming, I sigh.

“No one’s gonna love me like you. No one is as perfect as you.” I shake my head, calves tightening, toes curling as his fingernails walk up the inside of my thighs, barely brushing the too hot skin. 

“Thanks for finding your way back to me every single time.” Flames illuminate the room as they dance on his fingertips, toward the lips of my cunt, tracing them ever so delicately. “Thanks for being my home, sweetheart.”

“Thank you for having me memorized, even when I couldn’t return the favor.” I breathe. With the hand that isn’t between my legs, Lea cups my face, tilting my mouth into his, and just like that, he presses a scalding finger into me, stifling my moans. My back arches, my chest pushes into his.

And he’s so perfect, so sweet, so gentle. A long, thick finger curls inside of me, working me open just so. I’m wet, everything in my body is toasty to my very core, but the way that Lea touches me has me burning hot inside. 

With languid, lazy movements, he works, thumb brushing my clit, fingers pumping into me. Between my desperate, breathy moans and the sloppy, slick noises he makes as his fingers work in and out of me, I nearly come apart on the sound alone. But my swollen, aching clit is desperate for just one more release and when Lea twirls a finger around my nipple, igniting flames in his wake, I am granted another delicious, unwinding orgasm. 

My limbs feel liquified as he slips his finger out from inside of me and licks himself clean. My heart leaps into my throat and he chuckles, bumping his erection into my overheated clit. My fingernails dig into his back, my eyes fly open.

“Fuck!” I choke, and he chuckles.

“How loud you gonna scream for me, beautiful?” He asks, lips brushing my jawline in a way that makes my skin prickle.

He lines the tip of his cock up, against my entrance, I fist his hair as he plunges in. And oh, this feels like coming home. There’s a spark in his eye, with our faces this close together, it is clear as day--he feels it too.

And he wastes no time, shifting his hips, pulling them back and snapping into me.

“Fuck yes.” I sigh, throwing my head back, but his hand moves impossibly fast, fingers lacing through my hair before my head hits the pillow. I whimper, wiggling, grinding down onto him, unsatisfied until he is buried to the hilt, inside of me.

WIth silky movements and his body flush to mine, he works into me, mouth finding a tender spot on my neck. My legs immediately fly around his waist, locking him to me as my back arches. I’m absolutely dizzy for him, desperate only to be devoured, and he is all too eager to oblige me. His tongue slides against my collar bone, he nibbles my shoulders, all the while keeping perfect pace. He’s not jack hammering into me, and this slower pace, combined with the skin to skin closeness, makes everything about this feel more sensual, more sweet. My spent body unravels, instead of tightening to the point of desperation, my final orgasm is as easy and relieving as plunging into water. And he follows right after me, riding the waves of my orgasm into one of his own.

“I don’t know if I can go again, Rueks, is that--” He starts and I nod, shoulders rolling back.

“We’re good. We’re really good.” I sigh, pulling him in impossibly tighter. Lea groans, wrapping his arms around my waist, putting his weight into me. I huff, he chuckles and kisses my forehead. 

“Usually we have to break up for you to be this affectionate. I should’ve proposed ages ago.” I feel his smile against my skin, I feel stupid and drunk and it feels wonderful.

“It’s not just that. I mean, yeah, but like...tomorrow, everything we’ve worked toward, everything we’ve worried about, everything that has spent us and worn us to the bone will be done.” I confess. “We can live and love and just...be like real people. Real, normal people.” 

“The rest of our lives can start after tomorrow.” He agrees, nuzzling my neck. “Have to say, sweetheart, there’s no one else I’d rather spend it with.”

“I love you, Lea.” I say.

“I love you too, Rueki. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

He scoops me up in his arms, I don’t protest, in fact, with a quick spell, I put out the candles as I sink into him. He carries me into the shower, joins me, washes me clean of everything. I’m helpless and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. He wraps me in a towel, he cradles me to his chest. Coziness envelops me, smothering me so wonderfully. I lean into his chest, we find our way back into bed, as we have every night for more than two years, but this feels different. I feel stripped, cleansed. I think finally, I am at the cusp of regaining everything that had previously crumbled inside of me. I am teetering on the edge of finally being able to lay my head to rest.

I think that on this night, on the eve of everything, I might actually be able to sleep.

But I’ve been wrong before.

The hours and minutes pass endlessly as I listen to the steady thumping of Lea’s heart, willing my restless mind to be eased by the lullabye of his breathing. But I know a lost cause when I see one.

“You awake?” I say in a voice that barely even scratches the surface of a whisper.

“Yeah. I wish you weren’t.” I can nearly hear the desperate longing to protect in his voice. “This sucks.”

And as though our sentiments shake the tower, a tapping sounds off at our door. Lea shifts, pulling the blankets over us, despite the fact that his skin warms me plenty.

“Are you guys decent?” Kairi’s voice sounds off, as the door slowly, slowly creaks open.

“We’re covered.” I respond. Although I cannot see her in the dark, there is a very tangible air of anxiety that quite literally radiates from her. “What’s up kid?”

“It’s just…” She huffs. “None of us can sleep.”

“Join the club, princess.” Lea chuckles, softly.

“Well put some clothes on, you nasties. We’re having a sleepover in the living room.” She says. I look to Lea, who is close enough to see in the dark, and he nods. 

“Yeah, meet you down there.” I agree. And upon her departure, Lea and I flip on the lights, pull on cozy clothes and, with hands lace, we head into the living room, where Sora is laying on his back, Riku angled toward him, Aqua and Ven perpendicular to them. Kairi crawls onto the floor, I join her, Lea follows me, and no matter how at peace I felt however long--impossibly long, it seems, although surely it has only been a few hours--ago, the sheer climate of the room has undoubtedly changed. Where my friends were once hopeful, I don’t think a single one of us would even attempt to deny the sudden fear that creeps in, unwanted.

How desperate are we that we think sleeping in close quarters will banish the nightmares away? How pathetic am I that I was the first one who needed a pair of arms around me to ease my screaming mind?

Lea scoops me in close. I pull Kairi in. She’s chest to chest with Sora, who is holding hands with Ven and is being spooned by Riku. Aqua curls around Ventus, caressing his hair, and I think this is never how I imagined spending the night Lea and I got engaged. Warm bodies press to one another, I tuck Kairi’s hair behind her ear, Ventus starts humming, Riku squeezes Kairi’s shoulder, Lea kisses mine. Aqua presses her forehead to mine, and this weighs so much. The entire world is too heavy, my heart crumbles like dust. Even as breath becomes heavier, bodies grow more relaxed and we each, all seven of us drift to sleep, I still feel no peace.

I think I sleep.

Time passes that I have no conscious memory of, so I must. I don’t feel tired when I rise.

Sun filters in through the window. I untangle my limbs from Kairi’s, shift out of Lea’s impossible grip, praying I wake no one.

But Aqua is already awake, dressed and freshly showered. Her short hair is damp and she’s staring out the window while she brews a pot of coffee. She raises an eyebrow as I offer her an apologetic look. 

“We still have a few more hours, go back to sleep.” She urges. My mouth twists, I rub my eyes and shake my head.

“It’s no use.” I say, taking a featherlight step toward her.

“Yeah.” She agrees, voice a lot more ragged than I’ve ever heard. “I just can’t…” She sighs, running an agitated hand through her hair. “I know Ventus is sleeping, I just can’t separate it from…” I reach out and squeeze her hand.

“He’s gonna wake up.” I remind her, sure of that at the very least. She squeezes my hand back, but behind her eyes, I see a woman who spent a decade in hell. I see the agony, I see how fragile she is.

And I’m certain she sees the same mirrored in my gaze.

“I know. I just wish that was my biggest concern today.” She says, pressing her lips together. 

I bite my lip, I draw in a breath.

She’s the only one I can say this to that will get it.

“If I die, please, please, make sure Lea and Kairi live happy lives. See Roxas return, remind Lea to take care of him, remind Kairi to be brave. Remember me with unbrushed hair and a bad attitude and a vulgar mouth. Remember how I endured. Tell Lea to remember how much I love him, tell him he was it for me. But don’t let them stay stagnant. Make them move on.” I plead. A tear spills from Aqua’s left eye, one from her right eye.

“If I die, don’t let Ven fall to Vanitas. Beg him to grow, to be strong. Don’t let him give up, don’t let him be like me, help him be free. Make him live, make him smile, make him laugh. Teach him to be young and free and everything I can’t. Help bring Terra back, tell him I’m sorry, tell him that he should’ve been made Master, tell him he is good and strong and don’t ever let him think he needs to repent because he’s suffered long enough. Don’t let them forget how much I love them.” She begs, voice quivering. And tears spill from my eyes, from her eyes. We clutch each other as we weep, arms tight around one another and though we shake, we are perfectly silent, unwilling to wake our dear, dear friends.

We weep until we can each go back to what we do best, respectively. Her masking agony with the sweetest of smiles and the perfect squaring of her shoulders, all class. And me? I wipe my eyes, roll them and offer her a half smirk.

“How do you like your coffee?” She asks in a tiny voice.

“Sludge. And could you slip an Elixir in?” I answer. “I’m gonna shower.”

“Good idea, before the hot water is gone.” She agrees. “And sure, I’ll sneak an Esuna into your coffee too.”

I bite back a smile.

“Thank you...Aqua. For everything.” 

“No, Rueki, thank you.”


	31. Chapter 31

XXXI.

We arrive in a wasteland that tastes of decay from a mile away. With a vice like grip, I wish I didn’t have to leave my ship, my sanctuary.

“A minute?” I ask the others and Sora cocks his head to the side. “I just...wanna send something to Del and Amaya that I….”

“Meet you out there, beautiful, but be quick.” Lea kisses my forehead and oh, how I think I might break. My throat is impossibly tight, I meet him with a pathetic smile, beyond thankful that he isn’t forcing a full explanation out of me.

“Rueki do you need--” Kairi begins.

“For you to save Sora? Yes. Hustle.” I say, and only when the ship is completely clear, do I breathe. Fuck. Quick, right. I pull out my phone and record a video.

“Hey, so I know I told you guys I’d live no matter what and I will and I’m going to but..if it sticks this time, the whole death thing, I just want you to know...I love you and I’m...I just love you guys so much.” A traitorous tear spills, I draw in a shaky breath and wipe it away. “Ugh, fuck. How annoying. Um...just, yeah. Just know, no matter how I acted, no matter how many times I bossed you around just like know...know I couldn’t have done better than you guys. And let Lucidia know her auntie Rueki died a hero...you know… in case I...ugh. I’ll text you guys when this shit is done but like, I just couldn’t not tell you and you know I can’t do this face to face. But you guys were too good for me, and no matter what, I’m so glad I grew up with you.” And with a shaky breath, I pull my finger off of the recording, attach the video in a message to Del and Amaya and send it. 

I turn off my phone, I stagger to my friends and this all becomes real. 

Sand is kicked up in the wake of my foot falls as I wedge myself between Lea and Kairi, fingers lacing through my lover’s, perhaps one last time. Kairi’s hand finds my other one and I squeeze, although these two are not my partners, not on this mission. I look to Sora and I think, oh, how I trust my partner. 

Anytime you’re ready, Roxas.

“It’s time. The Keyblade Graveyard is up ahead.” Mickey announces, and in my heart, I feel the death, the decay, the ancient grief. How many were massacred here? And what for?

More dust kicks up, and our entire lot, all ten of us visibly stiffen.

“Someone’s coming.” Sora announces. I look to him with a set jaw.

“Say the word, kid.” I instruct. Say the word, and any enemy we might encounter will taste metal for days, thanks to the electric current that I try to stop from popping at my skin. 

Through the dust, Master Xehanort approaches, arms tucked behind his back, a smirk so confident upon his lips. The lightest of chuckles spills from his mouth.

“Legend has it that darkness once covered the world, we know so little about the Keyblade war, only that it was just the beginning.” He muses. “If ruin brings about creation, what then, would another Keyblade War bring? When the darkness falls, will we be found worthy of the precious light the legend speaks of?”

However undeniably twisted, I get it, wanting to purge the darkness. I long for the same when it comes to my own darkness but…

But I’m not harming anyone other than myself.

With a flash of darkness, a man appears and I recognize him as Ansem, Xehanort’ heartless, thanks to Sora’s memories.

“Or will all of creation instead be returned to the shadows?” Ansem wonders. I purse my lips. My patience dwindles, I grow more annoyed by the second. I could end at least one of them now, I could pierce through one of them and completely ruin their plan. They need thirteen to clash, with seven, but I don’t fight with a Keyblade, and if I can take down even one of them before they strike first, that will soil the plan. But I look at Master Xehanort and an unwanted fear starts to creep into my veins. This man could put me down in the blink of an eye, I have no doubt. I could end the war, maybe. I could take someone down, but undeniably I would lose my own life in the process. And there would be a backup plan on deck for the seekers, my sacrifice would mean nothing. “Today we will recreate the legend and see.”

And then, another flash of darkness and Xemnas. 

Alright, Roxas, now’s your moment. Don’t make me wait for you to take him down again.

But Roxas does not appear, I squeeze both Lea and Kairi’s hands.

“But first...your light shines far too brightly.” Xemnas taunts. “It must be extinguished in order for the truth to be seen.”

Vanitas appears, fully masked and Aqua literally stifles a growl.

“Only when your hopes have been broken by battle upon battle can the key be claimed to Kingdom Hearts.” Vanitas leers. A fire burns in Ventus’ eyes. 

“And break you is what we shall do. It has been etched.” A younger looking Xemnas appears, but thanks to Riku and Sora I know this is merely a younger Xehanort. 

Darkness swirls around them, the group as a collective braces themselves, I summon La Luxure with the flick of my wrists as darkness flutters through the air and the quintet of seekers disappears. Heartless come raining from the sky and I wonder, is this the best they have? Heartless? This is beginner shit.

“Look at how many of them there are!” Sora gasps, and for a Keybearer, I do think there are a lot to handle. But I’m not a Keybearer, I’m a mage an alchemist and if nothing else, I can handle crowd control. 

“Okay gang, get ready.” Mickey flicks his wrist, summoning his Keyblade and the others follow in turn. Perhaps they are looking for a leader, but I am not, I’m looking to defend, I’m looking to dive in and tear limb from limb anything that wants to lay a finger on my friends, before anyone can get dented. 

Nobodies materialize. So do Unversed, but I am ready.

“Thundaza!” Thunder hails down from the sky, piercing through my enemies as my friends sprint in, Keyblades at the ready. Donald stands back with me, casting a Wind spell.

“While these guys focus on the big ones, you and I need to stay on crowd control.” Donald says and I nod.

“Oh trust me, having these idiots backs is my specialty.” My eyes scan across the battlefield, a perfect circle that darkness pours into. An idea pops into my mind, I grit my teeth. “I need to carve something into the field. Play catch up for me.” And before Donald can either squawk in protest or agreement, I dip down, dragging my Knuckles into the earth as I sprint around the circumference of the arena. Lea parries a Sniper Nobody, Kairi swings her blade at a Neo Shadow, I sprint on by. Aqua cartwheels away from a from a slug like Unversed, Ventus strikes a Shadow. A Gambler Nobody rushes me, and with knots in my stomach I scream. “Firaga!” As I incinerate the creature. All I want is a simple transmutation, no double array, necessary, so I charge in, one line, then another marking the ground. Goofy barrels into a Dusk, Sora slashes a Sorcerer, Donald casts a series of Thunder spells, breaking ranks until he is out of breath. I carve another line, then another. Riku slashes a Soldier clean in two while Mickey attacks an Unversed. Another Gambler comes at me and I could scream, but instead, I rip through it with my blades before etching my final line into the earth. Xehanort thinks his success is etched, he thinks his victory has been foretold, and perhaps it would be against seven lights, but he has never accounted for me as anything beyond a failed seeker, because to him, I have never been anything but a Nobody, a pawn. But oh, how that isn’t even the half of it.

I’m a defender, I am a guardian, I am a watcher. I am a magician.

My final line is etched, I grab a grenade and an empty sphere from my pouch and shriek.

“Kai!” My voice gets her attention, she turns, holding up her blade to block the attack of a Heartless. “Holy magic!” I order. Her eyes light up, and this girl, this angel, is all too eager to help, all to eager for her light to shine bright enough to cut through the dark, rather than get consumed by it.

“Pearl!” The spell shoots into my sphere and I cry out, bracing myself as I dig my heels into the earth. The sphere absorbs her attack, I scream a third tier Cure spell at her, and watch as energy floods her, and then, with all of my might, I slam the sphere and the grenade into the dirt, clap my hands and place them against the edge of my lines.

No one ever accounted for an alchemist.

Cluster bombs are nasty. 

Violent bursts ignite across the field, blasting to life along each of the lines I drew. My friends hop aside, quick and trained and far smarter than the enemy lackeys, which go up in flames. Angry red lines tear through the ranks, piercing creature after creature.

Kairi has time to focus on individual enemies, Aqua no longer needs to dodge attacks. Lea turns his Keyblade into Chakrams and whips them at an enemy Sora is struggling with, because nothing stands in my fiance’s way.

Victory tastes so good.

I retrieve a Potion from my arsenal and chug it as Donald casts a final thunder spell and Goofy spins wildly, using his shield as a weapon, as he pummels Heartless.

We win, and although this is hardly the final battle, this is hardly the part that worried me, I begin to wonder--we’re strong. Anxiety or not, caution or not, is it possible, on some level that we actually are competently trained? Is it possible that our hard work has warranted the proper results, that the simple equation of effort plus knowledge can equal our victory? Just because fear grips my insides, doesn’t mean it is rational, and I know this. 

Is it possible that we can overcome today, each of us? 

I don’t know how to accept an easy success, but the last of the barrage of Heartless, Nobodies and Unversed are eliminated, and I see no downside to this. I look around, eyes darting across the barren landscape. Lea’s posture eases, Kairi brushes off her dress, Aqua sucks in a breath that makes her nostrils flare.

“Anyone else get the feeling that was way underwhelming?” Lea asks, and fuck, of course, the second hope threatens to creak through, I discover I am a fool for believing in it.

“Dammit, I was hoping that was just me.” I sigh.

“There’s still more to come, but that was a good start, gang.” Mickey nods.

“What now?” Donald squawks.

“We move forward.” Riku says.

“That’s all we can do.” Aqua nods.

“Stick to the plan, keep a cure spell at the ready.” Kairi agrees.

“We can do this.” Sora insists.

“All for one and one for all.” Goofy nearly bounces as he nods. I look to Lea, he looks at me, and although we are not the only ones who know agony or abuse amongst this group, we certainly are the most experienced when it comes to dealing with Organization XIII. His hand finds mine as he banishes his Keyblade, but I merely hook both of my Knuckles into one hand as I take his.

His fingers burn, almost brushing my wrists as they fold over. 

And we don’t lead the way, because no matter what, we are not the stars of this show, we are not the heroes of this journey, but Mickey, Aqua and Riku, the Masters, are content to take the lead, guiding us through winding tunnels, into another open, desolate wasteland, decorated only with fallen Keyblades.

Sand whips past us, swirling in my hair. Protectively, Lea yanks me in and I bury my face into his coat. Transmute City was a tundra, icy, wild wind is nothing new to me, but sandstorms are and despite my constant cynicism, there is a nagging, superstitious sensation filtering into the depths of my mind. 

There is something sinister in the air, seeping into my bones.

Or my fucking anxiety. Because we came out on top of that last fight, hardly breaking a sweat. It’s fucking sand, Rueki, I remind myself, there is nothing inherently wicked about a sandstorm in the desert.

I cough as the squall dies down, Lea brings his head up from where it hides against the top of mine. Squinting, I see Kairi finally coming up from where she is crouched, Aqua pulling her arm away from her face, Ventus blinking through the haze ahead of us. I shift in Lea’s arms, trying to figure out what Ven is staring so intently at, but before I do, he gasps, loud, dramatic. Reflexively I grip Lea’s sleeve. Even Riku flinches as Ven darts forward.

“Terra!” He cries out, and momentarily, I think the boy is hallucinating but as the rest of the sand settles, a dark figure becomes apparent. Aqua chokes, hand slamming over her heart.

I’ve never met Terra, beyond my glimpse into Ven’s memories and the moment I became Aqua inside of Sora’s dreams, I know nothing of him. But one look, even at this distance, and I know it is him. The same odd, half spiked brown hair, tan skin, earth toned clothes. 

But even before Ven crashes into him, it is quite evident, the lights may be on, but no one is home. Whatever thing lives inside of Terra’s shell now, it is not the man Aqua and Ventus once befriended.

“Terra, we found you!” Ventus cries out, grasping his friend’s arm eagerly, tone heavy with repressed tears. I find Aqua’s mortified eyes and meet her with a panicked gaze of my own. She bites her lip, swallows dryly and nods.

I remember the promise I made to her this morning, just as she remembers mine. But Aqua doesn’t flinch, she rolls her shoulders back and strides in, head high, eyes hard.

“Terra, please say you’re in there.” She demands, but no hope laces her voice.

The man, the shell, meets her with a hazy, hollowed out gaze. I dart in, tearing my hand from Lea’s. Aqua grabs Ven’s shoulder and yanks him back, casting him straight into my arms. WIth a grunt, I push the boy back further, behind me, where he is safe from whatever this thing is, safe with someone objective to protect him while Aqua squares off against Terra.

“I know that you’re not him.” Aqua growls. “Now let our friend go.”

Collective gasps behind us, the others dart in, at our tail.

The shell scarcely tilts its head, meeting us with a look so familiar, so heavy at the tip of my brain that--

No.

His hair starts to turn white, his eyes become golden and my suspicions are confirmed. 

Xemnas, Ansem. They are abhorrent combinations of Xehanort and Terra. 

“He is their thirteenth!” Mickey gasps behind Aqua and I.

Darkness swirls around Terra, Aqua’s eyes go huge, I feel a hot hand latch around my wrist and yank me back.

“Don’t play the fucking hero, Rueki!” Lea growls, I bite the inside of my cheek and decide not to tell him that if Aqua dies, the responsibility of carrying on her legacy falls on me, so I’m going to do my damndest to make sure she makes it out, just as I know she will for me. 

With darkness, Terra comes to life, eyes suddenly vibrant, Xemnas’ smirk spreads across his lips.

“Today is the day you all lose.” His voice booms into the open air. Aqua braces herself, lithe muscles tightening.

“What?” She gasps. 

“Before you even face the thirteen, every last one of you will be torn heart from body.” Terra responds, the flick of his hand indicating it is merely that simple. “But fear not, the X-Blade will still be forged.” 

“We’re not going to lose to you.” For a moment, I think Roxas is speaking behind me but as my head whips around, I realize it is Sora, all squared shoulders, set jaw and clenched fists, looking more like Roxas than he ever has before. This is not the face of the boy who crash landed in my world two years ago.

 

But Terra sneers and whips back; the sheer speed of his attack is something my eyes can scarcely keep up with. Xehanort’s wicked Keyblade materializes in his hand, he dives forward, blade drawn back and, at a shattering force, he slams his blade straight into Ventus’ abdomen.

Ven falls for lifetimes, flies endlessly, and Aqua, she’s so rigid, entire body on ice as she watches, with blown out eyes, her oldest friend strike down the boy they both adore.

All of the air leaves this world. 

Ven’s body crashes into the dirt, bent, broken, lifeless.

My knees buckle.

Pain washes over Aqua’s features, and then the same wicked, hateful look that fills her eyes when Vanitas is mentioned, appears.

I may be objective, but she knows how to set aside every single one of her feelings, as though they belong to someone else entirely.

“Ven!” She chokes, tone dead and gravely. She flicks her wrist, summons her blade and pulls it back just in time for Sora to emit a battle cry and charge forward, Keyblade drawn back. He screams, cranking it forward, but Terra has no fear. He raises his arm and in one single movement, traps Sora’s key in a sphere of darkness. And for his effort, Sora grunts, jerks, tries desperately to tear his Keyblade away, but it is all in vain, and Terra knocks him away all the same. 

With wild eyes, the Seeker takes a stride closer. My blood turns to ice as those cold, golden eyes find Kairi, whose jaw is set, but her hands shake. She flicks her wrist, summons her blade and although she has gotten stronger, although Kairi has gas in the tank for days when it comes to Sora, I know how this plays out and my insides scream. Not her, no, not her, anyone but her. My mind is bleeding, begging. I make a motion to drop Lea's hand, but before I can even make a move, he drops me and flies, Keyblade burning bright as he charges in front of Kairi.

And I don't know why he does it, maybe to stop me from acting first, like he knows I will, maybe to ward off the lingering guilt of being her former kidnapper, but Lea positions himself, a wall in front of Kairi, Keyblade poised defensively. Terra slams his Keyblade down with bone shattering force but Lea knows how to take a hit, oh does he know how. Reeling with the impact of his reflected attack, Terra roars, a stricken animal, as he cranks his Keyblade back. But so does Lea, whose face contorts into something wild and violent and--

No.

The look that he got in Betwixt and Between.

The scream that rips through my throat nearly overpowers the sound of Terra crashing in harder, faster, smacking Lea’s Keyblade aside and knocking my fiance straight through the air and into a boulder.

 

The snap of bones against the rock grip my stomach and all but tear it from my body; I could double over, I could get sick.

Blood spills into the sand. Lea does not move.

A storm rages against my skin, sparking, popping crackling through anything within a foot radius of me. I shriek high, piercing and think so very hard about where I want to be.

I teleport directly in front of Kairi and throw myself forward, ignoring the lurching inside of me. I pull my fists back, Terra meets me with the wickedest of glints in his eyes. Whatever love I have for Aqua and Ven is unimportant. I will break him clean in two, this is personal.

This is Lea.

The cry of a banshee bursts from my lips.

I’m faster than him. I jump into the air, twirl my wrists and plummet my Knuckles into his chest, just below his collar bone, unsatisfied even as I hear his flesh tear open, shredding as I twist my blades.

His recovery time is too quick though, with the momentum of his swing, he knocks me off of him, to the ground at Kairi’s feet.

“Rueki!” She screams, just in time for Terra to appear over me, pull his blade over his head and slam it into my torso.

I don’t hear the roar I emit, but my sandpaper throat tells me this is a good thing.

Everything is wet, so wet, my limbs shake with the impact. I think this isn’t so bad, this isn’t the worst pain I have felt, I can still get up, I--

He pulls his blade out of me and I see white.

My head swims, I’m going to die, I’m losing too much blood, I--

I blink back spots and force myself to sit up, though my vision swims, though the screaming ache inside of me begs me to submit. There’s something wrong, something off, my heart is literally shattering, crumbling into jagged, grating pieces. 

Terra gazes predatorily at Kairi, inches away from her, she whips her Keyblade back, but before I can bring myself back to my feet, before Kairi can risk weathering the force that Terra is capable of, Sora all but trips over himself, tackling her to the ground and standing in her place, arms spread.

“Sora, no!” A voice, someone, I can’t fully process, cries out. I pinch my eyes shut, come on, Rueki, move, get up, take the hit, you’re not going to make it anyway and if Lea is gone…

If he’s gone I cannot bear the emptiness of being without him, I can take this for Sora, I can save him.

But someone else does instead.

My eyes fly open.

Goofy lunges forward, shield at the ready, and to my utter amazement, Terra doesn’t leave so much as a dent in his shield, instead, he richochets off, blade pounding like a drum, reverberating above me.

Goofy skids past me, skids back and

A glow. 

Terra sails back and the ground beneath me screams with heat, buzzes with magma creeping to the surface, radiates like a furnace. My eyes find where Kairi is sprawled on the floor, hoisting herself back up to her feet. 

Something is burning to life, a perfect circle around Donald. But it isn’t just any circle, it is a transmutation circle, so close to what I should have used to tether Roxas, I realize, intricate, multipointed, beautiful.

“Donald, no!” Goofy cries.

“Zettaflare!” Donald squawks, raising his staff high. The blaze that blasts into Terra, whips him back, the world around us goes white, the heat of the spell may incinerate each of us, and I have no doubt in my mind what this is. 

The anciently powerful spells beyond grand magic tier. I remember Ienzo saying that the spells may not have even been possible, and yet, Donald is capable.

Kairi scrambles over to me.

“Here drink this.” And she shoves a Potion to my lips.

“S’not so bad.” I mumble as the Potion falls away, but immediately, the screaming in my abdomen turns into a dull roar, scarcely noticeable, I’m barely bleeding. Her hands brush my middle, she bites her lips.

“Rueki, I didn’t mean to--”

The blinding light disappears, Terra is gone but Donald crumples forward, cut down like a sculpture, he is rigid as he buckles, hitting the earth with a thud. 

Mickey and Goofy sprint to him.

Aqua tries desperately to wake Ventus, nightmares fast becoming a reality.

Riku props Lea up against the boulder. His head hangs, drooping and limp against his chest.

I cannot move.

Tears spill endlessly, I can’t breathe, Kairi grabs me by my arms and forces me to my feet, wrapping an arm around my waist as she walks me over to Lea. I crumble into his lifeless body and I come undone.

This wasn’t...No.

Not him, anyone but him, I love him, I love him so much, he can’t go. Is anything worth living without him, without the only person that can pull me back from my own mind? I cannot live without my other half. He knows this, he knows what happens to me every single time he fades. For all of my independence, I am always bound to follow right behind him. I want to.

I struggle for an Elixir in my pocket, hands shaking as I blink back tears.

“Rueki, I’m sorry, I was ready to fight Terra, I didn’t mean for Axel to jump in!” A voice behind me pleads, and logic tells me it is Kairi, but I don’t hear voices, I hear dry, monotone words. The color in the world is gone, the eternal flame has been extinguished. 

I uncap the Elixir, press it to Lea’s lips and try to force the liquid down his throat. It merely spills from his mouth.

“No, come on, no I can bring you back! You brought me back, you saved me from fading, drink you fucking cunt!” My voice breaks as I try and fail to scoop up dribbled Elixir in my hands and force it into his mouth.

The world disappears, everything becomes a tiny pinprick as I grasp Lea’s hands, icy through the gloves.

“This can’t be real.” I don’t know if my head or heart are speaking or if someone else is but yes, I plead, let this be a nightmare, this has to be, the product of my panic filled brain, after everything, I cannot lose Lea again, not faster than my heart can keep up with. He’s strong, he’s smart, even with Xehanort pulling the strings on an over muscled puppet, Lea should’ve won, he should’ve been able to beat Terra, he shouldn’t be lying here, cold and limp in front of me.

The world goes black. I blink, thinking this will cure the pinprick my vision has become, but it does not. My head snaps around, eyes huge, shoulders heaving as something black, something inherently malevolent comes spinning toward us. At first I think it is another dust storm, but undeniably, this tornado is made of Heartless, of undiluted darkness.

A demon tower.

Riku sprints away, to Sora and grabs his shoulder.

“Pull it together, Sora!” He urges, but how can I reach into my heart and encourage a hero to be a hero when I look at this dark tower and think that this can be my end. I remember how darkness feels. Sweet, succulent, powerful.

I will be free in my final moments.

“We haven’t lost them, they still have our hearts.” Riku tries, but I feel Lea’s chill, I feel the emptiness inside of him, I feel the inside of my own gutted heart and know undoubtedly that he is gone. “But we have to protect them.”

“Right.” Sora agrees. 

Aqua forces herself to her feet and strides forward to Riku and Sora.

“We stand together.” The trio nods and flies forward, Keyblades materializing. Aqua turns back to us. “Rueki, Mickey, Kairi, Goofy. Watch the others.”

“No, we should all get to safety, while we still can.” Mickey protests. I feel Kairi’s hand on my shoulder. Let her live, I think, let her be, let her find happiness, if anyone gets hurt, if anyone has to go, it should be me. 

“It’s too late for that.” Riku shakes his head.

But the darkness is unstoppable, it gathers from each edge of the world, growing vaster and vaster by the second. 

Aqua’s arms go limp, her grip on her Keyblade goes slack, her eyes are huge and her mouth is parted. I am certain I’ve watched her die inside.

“It can’t be.” She breathes. Sora and Riku turn to her, tears spill from Aqua’s eyes. The last of my resolve dies as she closes her eyes and lets the spiral take her.

The darkness pummels toward us, but my body is frozen, stuck on ice. I don’t process the world in front of me, instead, I ease myself, shoulders slumped, jaw slack. This is it. My hint of optimism, as always, slaps me in the face. The suspicion that this is all too easy was right. This isn’t easy, this was a tease, met by the inevitable, the impossible.

One took out three of us. How were we ever supposed to make it out? What amount of training could we have received where victory could ever have been a possibility?

The darkness approaches, my eyes flutter shut. Time to rest, I think, time to come apart.

And then--

Wind whips through my hair, my back hits the ground. It takes me a moment, in my utter resignation to realize I have been shoved aside, but when I do, I see Kairi throw herself across Lea, arms spread, protective, trying desperately to keep his limp body pinned to the rocks. I push myself up onto my elbows, breath shaking, eyes blown out.

“No!” I scream, watching in vain as the demon tower gathers the two up in one fell swoop. For her determination, for her effort, she is taken by the darkness as easily as Lea.

“Rueki!” She cries, trying desperately to dig her way out, to force, to shove, to push. She tries and fails to do anything to stop herself from becoming a damsel once more. But I don’t care about her faults, I don’t care about her failings. I don’t care about any blame she thinks she deserves.

Let her live, please, please, just let her live.

I spring to my feet and throw myself, with all of my might, into the air, hand grasping hers. I hang by a thread, dragging her down ever so slightly, but the current of the tower is impossibly strong, and I cannot weigh it down.

“Rueki, please, let go, I can save him, I can help him, let me help!” She cries. But I know desperation and death bed better than most, so instead of heeding her words or even trying to protest, I just push myself in, toward the current, toward her.

It’s so, so easy.

Darkness floods my insides, my head rolls back, I know I will not make it through a second time of being consumed, but it doesn’t lessen the satisfaction. In fact, the only thing that keeps me any semblance of tethered is Kairi’s hand, wrapped around mine. Her light is so blinding, it starts to eat away at the darkness creeping into me.

“We can still win this, we can fight from the inside!” Kairi pleads, but I shake my head, eyes struggling to find her in the sea of darkness. This poor girl has not yet learned to look defeat in the eyes and feel acceptance. 

And besides, even if we could slow this herd down, just a fraction of a second, ice still pumps, in shards that cluster around my heart, through my veins. The fight inside me is dead.

I feel a claw puncture my stomach. I gag on my own blood, Kairi cries out, impaled by a claw through her leg. This is it.

I pull her by where our hands are still linked, in close, to my chest, pressing my cheek to hers.

“This isn’t supposed to be this way, this is all wrong, we’re heroes, we’re supposed to win!” She sobs, broken, empty sounds that her beautiful heart should not allow, against me. I twine my fingers through her hair, I press her closer, I savor the feeling of her light against me one final time as more claws shred through me.

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” I whisper.

“Yes it does, yes it does! There are so many people that need us to win this, and...Rueki there’s so much I want to do, so much I need to see. I can’t die, please, I can’t die!” She begs, even as I feel the wetness of her blood--or mine?-- trickle against my skin.

“Shh.” I breathe, skin in ribbons, body coming apart. My mind is hazy, my sight is gone. But this isn’t about me fading into oblivion. This is about a girl who needs me a girl who will not greet death as an old friend. “It’s okay. It’s all going to be alright. I love you, I’ve got you. You’re going to be fine.”

I lie, oh how I lie to her.

And so, as foretold, darkness prevailed and light expired...


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me to Nomura: Hey, I think you forgot to put this scene in your game

XXXII.

Death is easy.

Words cannot express the sudden weightlessness in my mind, or the soft numbing sensation soothing my insides. Everything is so warm, so pleasantly different since my last brush with death. This isn’t just an empty sort of limbo, this isn’t just a fine place to rest, this is home. Everything inside of me is whole for what I think might be the very first time. There are pieces of me, pieces I didn’t realize had been scattered just out of my reach, pieces and things that finally return home to my heart. In death, there is healing, in death all that once ached is ailed, in death all that once seemed to push and pull, constantly in conflict, at the edges of who I am, is still. The battle is over.

I am so, so warm.

I curl into all that I am, and this time, no distracting thoughts nag at what remains of my being. Instead, just peace, and I think this is a good sign. All is well that ends well, and this might actually be a happy ending. No more war, no more pain, no more nightmares. No one I love has to hurt any longer.

I don’t think of Del or Amaya or Cid or Yuffie. Memories of them are hazy if existent at all, because something far more powerful is obscuring any logic I am capable of. This is completion, this is--

“No, no, come on, two of you?” I know the voice immediately--Kairi, but her words don’t make sense. And then, they do. There are two of us. I don’t know how I didn’t realize I wasn’t alone, but it is abruptly so obvious. I am not the warmth, I am not the flame, but I am enveloped in it.

Lea. Lea is dead too. 

Then how did I not notice him, so blatantly beside me?

“Okay, I haven’t done this on two before but just...stay put. I can’t put you back, I don’t know how, but he will, I know he will.” A white light washes over me--us?-- and I am alarmed as an odd sort of self awareness consumes me. I am hyper aware of the blood that no longer courses through me, it is so obvious what this numbing sensation is doing to repress the smithereens my body has been reduced to. 

This is uncomfortable, this is irritating, waking from sleep just as my body was settling in. I want to squint away from the light that seems to be flooding everything I am, but without a corporeal body, I can scarcely begin to shift away from the discomfort.

We’re there for lifetimes, for all of eternity, me flinching at the abrupt sifting of my soul, my ghost, my whatever, fumbling for where, if Lea is here, he might be. It doesn’t matter how long I grasp, with empty palms, I never reach a thing. 

I’ve been ripped from heaven, stripped of a happily ever after that easily could have been.

The light is cold, unflinching, it burns in the worst of ways. 

I wake up dead.

And then--

I wake up too very alive, on uninjured feet, with no new tears in my skin, with La Luxure secured to its proper latch on my belt and two hands in mine.

Lea’s wrapped around one, Kairi’s around the other.

Something feels distorted, surreal, something bleeds together behind my brain, undulated and impossible.

What the fuck is--?

Before I can even begin to decipher our surroundings, odd memories fill my head. Endless floating where the sky meets the sea, a strange creature, like that weird cat Dream Eater. Crystalized bodies, Riku, Aqua, Ventus, Mickey, Donald, Goofy all in different worlds.

And then me and Lea. Airborne, crystalized, beside each other, fingertips just out of reach as both of us are extended toward one another. Together in death, is that why this time felt so different? Or is it because I wasn’t supposed to come back?

And then, there’s this new glistening within Sora. Where there was once doubt and fear, there is now resolve and courage, as his Princess fills the spaces in between, floating in a cold void, waiting endlessly and not at all as he wakes each of us.

“I see you’re still helpless without me, you lazy bum.” She grins, hugely.

“Kairi! I found you!” He cheers, grabbing her hands. And she is all delight and beauty.

“Of course, I told you, I’m keeping you safe this time. Did you really think I was just going to set the others on your path and not meet you at the end?” She teases.

“The light in the darkness? That was you? You’re the one who kept me from fading, you kept us all from fading?” He asks.

“Of course. My turn to be the hero.” She says.

“I feel strong with you, Kairi.” His heart melts, so does hers, and I think he might have just uttered the words that she has wanted to hear from the very beginning. 

None of this feels real though, this all feels like too sweet of a dream, all of this is coming too easily, or perhaps not easy enough at all. My brain is reeling, and in light of the nightmare that was our deaths and the abrupt reality that is our rebirth, it is hard to summon coherent thought. 

“It did work!” Sora delights. Lea pulls me in close and I realize just how warm he is.

So warm. And so mine, and so alive. And, fuck, I’m beyond thankful. I didn’t want to die, above and beyond anything, this is the outcome I desire, but this is barely the beginning, there’s still so much more to come, so much more that I might be utterly helpless to prevent, just like all of this. Something that will not be mended by such ease.

And then there’s the fact that I cannot shake the feeling we were supposed to stay dead this time. Whatever happened to us is unnatural.

“Of course!” Donald cheers, and Donald! Fuck! The magic he is capable of! Ienzo’s warning echoes loud and clear in my head, that spells of that caliber come with much too high a cost and a fear is a powerful enough motivator to keep me stationary, to keep my hand locked around Le, and my words suffocated. This can’t be real, but I look to Kairi who is smiling, with eyes that straight up twinkle and she laughs and I wish I could feel so breezy.

“Come here.” She laughs, tugging the hand that is still laced through mine. I release Lea, feeling empty and disoriented. “Do that mind thing.”

Do that mind thing is utterly unspecific when it comes to what I am capable of and in my dizzy state, I can scarcely control whatever powers I may have a firm grasp on normally. But Kairi is all reassurance. She unhooks the hand of hers that is laced through Sora’s and urges me in closer. Our fingertips brush, our foreheads press and I try very hard to shield my thoughts and keep them from getting into her mind while alternatively forcing her to open herself to me.

And open she does, her heart pours out, light, pleasure, promises, heroism. She is so open where I am closed that it is almost a challenge to take her in, she is stifling, I struggle to even catch my breath, but there she is, floating in the light. There she is with horrified eyes. She was supposed to be in my arms, inside of the demon tower, but here she is, bathed in warmth. 

“Who is...where am I?” She calls out. “Is anyone here?”

Silence.

“Hello?” She calls, voice echoing emptily through the abyss. “Someone? Anyone?”

“You don’t need anyone. You’re safe.” I know the voice, but Kairi doesn’t and she wheels around, searching for where it might be coming from, but to no avail. “Your light won’t allow you to fade like the others. You don’t have to fight, you can fly away.”

She sets a hand to her chest and licks her lips. For how young she is, for as naive as she is, Kairi senses what my own cynicism will not allow me to.

“You’re Naminé.” Kairi recalls. 

“You remember me?” The voice asks.

“Of course. I didn’t know how to use my Keyblade until you woke the ability inside of me.” Kairi says.

“To keep you safe, as you must stay.” Naminé explains. “Just like now. Xehanort wants to reset the worlds, but Kairi, your light is so important. You can’t let it go out.”

“I know. I need to keep you safe too, Naminé. I’m sorry I failed.” Kairi whispers.

“You didn’t fail, Kairi. This isn’t about me. I’m not the important one, you are.” Her voice drips in eternal loneliness, it weighs so heavy, I think it might crush my best friend under the weight.

“You’re just as important as me. I was trying so hard to set you free. I’m just not strong enough, I thought I was, I tried so hard…” Kairi’s hands and lips tremble, she wipes away a stray tear with the heel of her hand. “But I lost everyone, I was useless again.”

“Not useless. You did what no one else could, you protected your own heart. You can come back, you can’t fade into darkness, your heart is just trying to keep you safe here and shelter you.” Naminé says. “Your heart will always protect you.”

“I can’t win this battle on my own, it has to be all of us. I need the others to come back.” Kairi’s hand bunches up the fabric where her camisole peeks out of her dress.

“Don’t you understand? You don’t need to battle. You can stay here, where it’s safe, wait everything out.” Naminé offers.

“I know you want me to keep you safe but...But us being gone won’t stop Xehanort. There’s no waiting it out, and I’m not going to let him use the other Princesses to...To do his dirty work, to summon Kingdom Hearts. I can’t just stay here and know that once again, someone is going to manipulate Princesses, trick them and take them, like their light is a crutch!” Kairi snaps. “It’s my light, it belongs to me, not me to it. It’s mine to use how I want. And I’m going to use it to fix this.”

“I know what you’re trying to do.” Naminé says timidly, hesitantly. “It’s not safe. You’ll die.”

“No.” Kairi shakes my head. “No I won’t.”

“Your light can run out, Kairi.” Naminé warns. “You can’t save the world.”

“No, just my friends.” Kairi shakes her head. “I have to try. I can’t just be useless, I’m not going to be a damsel, I’m not going to sit by when my friends need me, ever again.” 

“What will you do when darkness tries to claim you? When your light dims, nothing will keep you safe. You’ll die.” Naminé pleads.

“No, I’ll fade. Like Rueki and Axel did. I’ve seen all of her memories, I’ll have time, I’ll sit in limbo before I fade. I’ll just have to hope that’s enough time for…” Her fists tighten and I can see the apparent frustration tightening her limbs. “I hope that the time I have in limbo will be enough for someone to save me.”

“It’s a risk you shouldn’t take.” Naminé urges. More tears fall from Kairi’s eyes, but she is not crying because she’s weak, I see the set of her jaw, the determination in her stance and know she cries because she is strong, because she is not fearless but willing to shove her fear aside, for the sake of bravery.

“Go to Sora. Light his way to me. Let me tether the others, I can do this, and in the meantime, Sora will keep you safe. Please, Naminé. Let me take this chance to gift you your humanity. I can’t stand idly by anymore. I’ve spent too much of my life avoiding risks, just because something was too dangerous for me. I can’t be that person anymore, I can’t sit around, knowing I can do something to help.” And with a huge breath, she disappears, sifting through the blackness.

She moves from world to world, acting so intuitively, allowing her perfect heart to act of its own accord, tying Aqua, Mickey, Ventus, Goofy, Donald and Riku to their respective worlds. 

She anchors them, and then finds Lea and I, crystalline, suspended in air, reaching toward one another, just as I suspected--

Just as I felt. 

What the fuck?

But my pondering is silenced, the spell to tether us to the world, to our own lives, drains every bit of her. Two in one is more than she can handle, even she knows this, but she’s at peace. Tears spill once more, but she accepts, she gives in. She stumbles into the empty blackness, her own light dim, on the brink of extinguishing until--

Until Sora appears, all bright smiles and reignition. Sora appears, and reanimates her, reenergizes her. Sora appears and Kairi comes to life, twice as strong as before.

Sora saves us all, but is, undeniably useless without Kairi’s aid. 

Kairi’s hands leave mine, reality floods my vision once more, sand and wasteland and my revived friends.

It is all I can do to stop myself from reaching out and slapping Kairi across her beautiful, ecstatic face.

“You never risk your life for me, again.” I say in a purposefully level, albeit trembling voice. My fingernails brush her knuckles and I think, oh how I would love to displace some of this rage by sinking them into her skin. “You never die for me, Kai, I swear to fuck, you ever try some stupid, half cocked shit like that again--”

Her face falters, her hands go limp in mine.

“I thought you’d be proud of me.” She whispers. I twine my arms around her and pull her impossibly close.

“I am fucking proud of you, kiddo.” I assure her. “But I...I don’t wanna live without you, okay?” I ask.

“Oh Rueki.” Her voice shakes as she hugs me back, squeezing me so tight, reassuring. “You’ve gotta have a little more faith in me than that.”

And I want to tell her it’s not her, it’s me, that every molecule in me is unbelieving and self deprecating enough to believe that I am the only one who has any business making such a great sacrifice, and even I do not want to.

“You okay, sweetheart?” Behind me, a warm body presses against me, lips meet the top of my head, and even I cannot help myself. I laugh as both of my redheads try so hard to soothe me, to love me. Impossible me.

“Can’t you give us a minute, Axel?” Kairi giggles. “You couldn’t even give us a second alone when you guys died. I get to the world you were scattered to and there you are, holding hands.”

“Huh.” Lea mutters as the three of us seperated. “I thought something was different.”

“You felt it too?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Felt like we were closing a chapter for good there, but it didn’t bother me. Everything felt good like…” He sighs so hard it shakes his shoulders then rubs the back of his head. “It felt like I’d stumbled into the good side of afterlife.”

And I know what he’s saying, I know what he means, because me too, fuck, me too. If there is a heaven, it would be there, beside him, wrapped in his warmth, together even in death.

I turn to him, fling myself at him and press my lips to his, grasping his perfect, angular face as though this dream may be something I wake from in seconds. I don’t, and he tastes so real. We part, and the sound my hand makes as it collides with his cheek is very real too.

“Ouch, what the hell, Rueks?” He asks.

“Don’t fucking start with me. I swear to fuck, I already warned you, if you die I am legally obligated to kill myself.” I say.

“That’s not how marriage works.” He mutters.

“And that’s not how we work anymore. Stop fucking trying to die, dick head. Or this time, I’m dragging you back from the pit myself and giving you scars to match mine.” I snap.

“Jeez, if I wanted to date Larxene, I would have.” Lea gripes. I slap him again. He kisses me again as the others assess each other, cling to each other, hug and express thanks to one another.

“Alright, now point us back at those guys!” Goofy says, raising an arm, and like fuck am I going to argue with him or Donald ever again. At this point, if Donald wants to pilot my ship, he can. I have nothing but respect.

“Right.” Sora nods, and we take off, once more, toward dispair. 

Once more, I watch, gripped, horrified as history repeats itself.

As dust clears and Terra appears. As Ven proves unable to learn from his mistakes and charges toward Terra. As Aqua chastises him and follows.

As Terra’s eyes turn golden and he vows to extinguish the light. As a suit of armor--

What the actual fuck?

Terra swings his blade and is met in time by a gold and red suit of armor that Ventus’ memories tell me belongs to Terra.

I hear Naminé’s voice in Sora’s heart, in a land where the sky meets the sea. I hear Naminé, sounding vastly different than she did to Kairi, just self deprecation and held back tears. No urging for self preservation. No encouraging wisdom. Just the promise that she will send in a friend to alter the worldline. And I know Naminé is powerful, I know she has baffling capabilities, access to magic that shocks even those who were previously Nobodies. I know she is amazing, but even this seems wild beyond compare. How in the hell is she able to alter a worldline? 

What more is this girl, this strange Nobody, shrouded in mystery, able to do?

Terra grits his teeth, struggles against the force of the armor and cries out.

“Who are you?” I’m wondering the same thing. Terra knocked each of us down, without hesitation, with very little struggle, but here is this armor, this pure source of will, defending Ventus, defending us with rivaling force.

“Got you, Xehanort.”

Sparks fly as the armor knocks Terra back. The excitement radiating from Ventus pours into me with the same ease that Sora’s passion only is capable of.

“Terra?” Aqua breathes, all trepidation. 

The norted Terra grunts.

“This is impossible!” He cries, but the armor strides forward, seeming very much so, to disagree.

“How I’ve waited for this moment.” The armor says. The blade he wields snaps into a whip, l ensnaring itself around Terra-Xehanort’s Keyblade. With barely a grunt, the armor sends Terra-Xehanort flying through the air, and when the man comes down, detaching from his Keyblade, the armor transforms his blade into--

This can’t fucking be real. I don’t know what kind of sorcery Naminé is capable of, but certainly not this. There is not any worldline this can be possible on.

The armor transforms his Keyblade into some sort of light canon, which he fires at Terra-Xehanort. The light is blinding, I squint, turning into Lea and by the time I look again, the armor is in the air, clashing blades with Terra-Xehanort.

“Terra!’ Ventus cries, though to which Terra, I am unsure, but he knows beyond a doubt that whatever exists inside the hollow shell of the armor is whatever lingering will Terra still possesses. And because he knows, I know. 

“No, Ven!” Aqua snaps, grabbing the boy’s arm, and thank Twilight someone here is logical enough to hold the boy back, because paralyzed by the fear of my own mortality, I would let anyone outside of my two redheads perrish, easily, to keep them safe, this time around.

“But--” Ven protests, however, Aqua’s eyes harden as she turns to where we just came from. I tilt, jaw dropping as I realize what is motivating her.

“Them first.”

Darkness, so much of it. More Heartless, Nobodies, Unversed, scrambling in, barreling toward us. Terra-Xehanort and the armor are now gone, but the demon tower begins to emerge and my heart hammers so loud, I think perhaps everyone around me can hear it pounding. 

Sora summons his Keyblade and grits his teeth, regarding the tower.

“We’ll hold off the others.” Aqua tells him.

“Okay, we got this.” Sora nods, all enthusiasm, and I think I can handle this. If I don’t look at the tower, if I have Lea and Kairi at my side, under my watch, safe from any incarnations of Xehanort, I am capable.

I summon La Luxure and head promptly into a sea of darkness.


	33. Chapter 33

XXXIII.

I would like to say that nothing shocks me at this point, but that would be a bald faced lie.

Instead, my life has become a series of ‘okay, no matter what else happens, nothing will ever trump the insanity that is this moment’, followed by me promptly being proven wrong. I thought Naminé’s psychotic, otherworldly ability to animate suits of armor, with the consciousness of their former wearer was the extent of surrealness that I would see, ever again.

Oh, how completely wrong I was.

My blades tear through darkness, shredding Heartless, Nobodies and Unversed in my wake. I hear Kairi grunt as she lands the finishing blow on a particularly wily Neo Shadow. Lea spins a Chakram past my head into a Sniper Nobody that had created a target on my back. Aqua casts a frightening Blizzard spell, and I swiftly meet her with one of my own. She casts a conspiratorial look over her shoulder and flashes me a thumbs up. Ventus slashes, backhanded at a cluster of Shadows while Riku and Mickey tag team one of the giant slug Unversed. 

We are strong, I am reminded, every single one of us is beyond capable and yet, we are scarcely making a dent in the numbers. 

“C’mon!” Sora whines, behind us, and I twist, watching the boy pant, shoulders heaving as he, Donald and Goofy struggle with the demon tower. Momentarily, I contemplate doing what I had done, only in his dreams, and attempting to push some of my energy into him, to give him the edge he needs, to allow him a leg up, but there is no doubt in my mind that such an action will end poorly for me. I need to make it out of this just as bad as he does.

Scratch that, my existence is of less importance than his in the grand scheme of the Keyblade war, but I know what I contribute to this group, and although Sora is undoubtedly stronger than me, my magic is better, and I know what it feels like to crawl through the pits, through death itself, and still make a comeback.

The demon tower spirals wildly, even in the midst of my own battle, I still grunt, feeling its orbit tug at my hair.

“Something’s wrong! Look out!” Donald squawks and immediately, a spell finds its way onto my lips.

“Reflega!” The barrier becomes huge, encompassing Lea, Kairi, Aqua, Ventus, Riku, Mickey and me, the creatures that try to dive in are immediately incinerated. But this effort is rapidly draining me, I know I cannot keep this up indefinitely. 

The tower swoops, gathering Heartless, Nobodies, Unversed, small and massive alike, in its orbit, drawing them in, growing greater and greater by the second. My barrier falters and I nearly collapse, using the blades of La Luxure to keep me stable as I fumble for a Potion.

“Cura!” Kairi calls out and immediately, I feel better. I cast her an uneasy look though, wishing very much that she’d save the damn effort on herself and stop trying to prove that she deserves to be here just as much as the rest of us. I make a mental note, that if I make it out of this, I’m reminding her every damn day that she nearly single handedly brought us all back to life, if for no other reason than to stop her from doing anything foolish like that again.

“What now?” Goofy whimpers, drawing his shield up high.

“Sora?” Donald inquires.

A rush of foreign determination floods me and I know what is about to happen before the words even leave his mouth. Fuck.

“I’ll stop it!” Sora charges in, blade at the ready, fierce, unrelenting.

“Sora!” Donald and Goofy cry out in tandem, at the same time I mutter something under my breath about the kid being a stupid fuck. But he charges in, leaps into the air, and suddenly, a blinding glow encompasses him.

My vision disappears, and abruptly, I am within this light, with Sora. 

A silver haired boy stands, back to Sora, and then, with a cheeky grin, turns.

“Need some help?” The boy asks. 

“Huh?” Sora breathes, and suddenly, the light dissipates. Sora lands on his feet, my vision returns to normal just in time to watch Keyblades soar, golden and glowing, from where they once were embedded into the earth. With barely a second of hesitation, I feel Sora’s heart light up, before he leaps onto a blade and rides it like a wave. “What is this?” He chuckles, as we watch him pummel through the tower. “Alright. Let’s go, now’s our chance.” He seems to decide, noticeably brightening, even to those who don’t live inside his heart, I think. Moments like these, hidden wonders, are what the boy lives for.

A strange, star shaped light appears in front of Sora, who brings his own Keyblade forward and banishes the tower without even breaking a sweat, in an array of lights and colors. 

Sora hits the ground, the Keyblades spiral and erupt, in a beautiful show of golden dust.

This kid is the singular luckiest human being to ever exist. I blink, staring around the freshly cleared wasteland, thinking my brain very well may burst from the effort.

What the…

What the real life…

Fuck this, I’m becoming a hermit when this is done. 

“Sora!” Riku calls out, sprinting forward. Mickey follows him quickly, as does Kairi. Lea grabs my arm-- understanding my disbelief well enough to know I’m not capable of action on my own accord until I process the impossible-- and leads me forward, with Aqua and Ventus bringing up the rear.

“Yeah.” Sora shrugs, as though this is an everyday occurance. And as someone who treats his heart like a Time Share, I can vouch that it is not.

“What was that?” Mickey gapes.

“Keyblade Wielders, from long ago.” Aqua says, so self assured. 

“It’s the light of the past.” Ventus grins, and him, I am concerned about. He, who might have had strange memories of a girl in a fox mask pop up, what secrets is Ventus hiding, even from himself, I begin to wonder? And on a land as strange and magical as this, what sort of latent abilities might begin to manifest and shock him into inactivity? It’s a hell of a time not to trust ourselves, but perhaps that was Xehanort’s plan, in choosing such a location. Perhaps this Keyblade graveyard is aiding him in impossible and mystical ways as well. Is that how Terra’s power was able to kill each of us, without the faintest hint of effort? Is that how the demon tower has been summoned time and time again?

As the dust settles, it seems we have a moment to breathe, a moment to process, but even this is short lived at best.

“Look!” Kairi abruptly cries out, point a finger at where dust gathers.

“Just send out the big bad.” Lea growls, and I couldn’t agree more, myself. Let’s get this fucking done with, I don’t want to play with any more suped up Heartless, I don’t want to see anyone else’s friends with glowing golden eyes, and I worry, that if this is Luxord, approaching from the dust, that I will suffer the same lapse of sanity that Ventus did.

But it isn’t Luxord that appears from the dust, but rather, to my utter shock, Riku.

I remember Sora mentioning that a past version of Riku had interrogate him on his travels, but I am not prepared for how Kairi flinches into me. I wrap my arms around her shoulders, I feel her tremble and recall immediately the memories she has, curled helplessly in Sora’s heart, watching this version of her oldest friend fight wickedly against the boy she loves. 

But Riku? Riku stands tall, Riku does not slouch or cower, Riku faces not just his demons, but his very self with steely eyes and squared shoulders and I think that if I were to aspire to be anyone, this teenage boy would be it. The past Riku laughs, haughtily as his eyes find his other’s.

“You.” Riku seethes.

“That’s not you anymore, Riku. That’s from when Ansem had control of your heart.” Mickey reminds his partner. 

“Yeah, how could I forget?” Riku mutters.

“I’d say that was our finest hour!” The past Riku cackles, looking every bit the absolute prick that Sora’s memories remind me he was.

“Wrong, my hour of weakness.” The current Riku corrects, not even missing a beat.

“You sure?” The past Riku taunts. “How about we find out?” He raises his blade, a blade so similar to the one Riku used when I met him. Darkness surges around the past Riku, building to create the blackened silhouette of a massive Xehanort, which leers over us. “A real test for the Mark of Mastery!”

“What did you say?” Riku snaps. 

“We gotta make sure you’re not blundering your way toward a second failure.” My blood runs cold at the voice, and in the darkness of a newly forming portal, I immediately see a single, golden eye that finds me with ease, before its owner is even visible. Xigbar looks to me and me alone, as he grins malevolently. 

“Blundering? I’ll have you know we failed with style, chief.” Lea counters, and Xigbar’s eye finding him really has me convinced that the Freeshooter was speaking for me alone. Because the intrusion of Lea’s voice causes his features to take on an almost menacing and utterly humorless look, as though he forgot we were not simply the only two in this world. 

“At least you admit it.” Xigbar scoffs. “Well, if you guardians think you brought the goods, you’ll have to prove it to the old guy, one last time.” And then, as though he has utterly lost interest, he claps past Riku’s shoulder. “Kid, take it away.” Xigbar throws me one last, sideways glance, and not for the first time, I wonder if he actually gives a damn about the outcome of this battle, or if he just wants to see something, anything that might spark his interest. 

Xigbar disappears into the blackness, the past Riku roars as not one, but several demon towers erupt around us, spiraling wildly around the semi circle we stand in. But as quickly as he appears, the boy is gone, leaving only the blackened sky, and more Heartless than I even know what to do with. They spring, unrelentingly, from the earth, they rain from the sky, the towers grow huger and huger, creating a massive sea of darkness around us.

“This again?” I hear someone complain, but am more focused on the sight at hand.

A wayward tower comes charging in, Sora swings his Keyblade like a baseball bat and knocks it back, though I can feel the massive effort just the one hit required. And still, the tower spirals at the outskirts of our circle, barely touched. Riku swats at a Heartless that rains down, Aqua backs herself up against Ven, trying, with searching eyes, to spot a weak point. Lea takes a step closer to Kairi. I run my tongue over my teeth, calculating. In this circle, I can break the ranks, if someone covers me, I can etch another Transmutation Circle into the dirt at the untouched edges of where we stand. Of course, if the orbit of the demon towers breaks the circle even slightly, this will be for naught. This will require everything I have and then some, but as long as my circle stays in tact, we can make this.

“This isn’t good.” Mickey mutters.

Ventus swats at a Heartless.

“Form up, now!” Aqua orders, taking another step closer to him, and we do. I find Sora, eyes hard as I back myself close to him. Trust your partner. And thank Twilight, I do trust Sora, undoubtedly, unflinchingly.

Donald smashes his wand into a stray Heartless. I hear Mickey hum softly in frustration, but a wayward Heartless comes scrambling toward me and I completely miss the exchange between him and Riku as I slam down a grenade, watching a cluster of stray Heartless turn to ash. But where there were once a small handful, twice as many seem to take their place and I curse under my breath. More and more strays wander in, though the size of the towers never lessens, and I get the very distinct feeling that my heart has climbed into the base of my throat. 

I’ll need a lot more than a cluster bomb for this. 

Behind me, Sora grunts as he slashes into a Heartless. I hear Lea roar as he does the same. And with more and more closing in, my idea of transmuting seems like a pipe dream at this point. 

“I’ll try and break through, everybody get ready!” Aqua orders and my stomach drops.

“Are you fucking stupid?” The words fly out of my mouth with zero control, because holy shit, I thought I knew martyrdom. Haven’t we each suffered enough? And what about the promise she and I made each other? I didn’t realize we were looking to collect on it.

“Rueki’s right! Alone is crazy, I’ll help!” Ventus offers, which is certainly what not what I had in mind.

“No!” Aqua glares, shoulders tense.

“Guys, two is no better!” Kairi insists.

“Yeah, splitting up’s a bad idea.” Lea agrees, and thank Twilight for these two. I lick my chapped lips, my eyes become calculating slits as I try to scope things out. Surely there must be some sort of weak point? But more and more Heartless keep raining in, and at this point, I think even draining my own energy and putting it into Sora, like I did in the sleeping world, wouldn’t yield impressive enough results. Even with every bit of my energy combined with his, this is not a job even for a Keyblade master.

“Grand magic?” I suggest to Donald who shakes his head.

“It’ll barely make a dent.” He says.

“There’s too many.” Goofy agrees, ducking under his shield to knock a Heartless aside. And I do agree, because the sky goes completely black and claustrophobia begins to sink in, constricting my chest and throat. My hands grow cold and I find myself longing to inch closer to Lea, who should hardly be worrying about me right now, but about keeping himself and Kairi safe. Undeniably, I feel lost and very small, and in this state, childlike fear could consume.

Once again, I’m the little girl, helpless and overpowered as she tries desperately to swat off Heartless with a pair of kitchen scissors. 

One of the towers grows taller, impossibly high, so high that--fuck. It topples over, descending upon us. Donald all but screams.

“We’re finished!” And I don’t think he’s utterly wrong. I am unsure whether or not to close my eyes and brace for impact or give every last ounce of strength to try to end this, because surely, that is what it will cost.

But as I am debating the impossible, once again a golden light seems to wash over us, tearing the Heartless to shreds, burning through every single molecule of darkness. If they weren’t such bastards it might feel morbid to watch, but now, I am grateful for and welcome the light. As the blinding properties fade, a lone figure stands--Master Yen Sid, and his pupils greet him with elation. But he doesn’t turn to us, instead he sets his shoulders, holds out two glowing hands and raises them.

Dark magic may be intoxicating and euphoric, but light magic is transfixing in its own right, tearing through impurities, lighting a perfectly clear, twinkling path for us to follow. Even I am mesmerized, wondering how I once had to shake off an addiction to the dark when light is infinitely more beautiful.

Though Heartless and Nobodies creep at the outskirts, this perfect path seals them off, granting us safe passage.

“Go, my young champions.” Master Yen Sid orders. “I will hold them all here for as long as I can.”

“We’re not gonna leave you behind!” Mickey protests. But Donald and Goofy turn to each other and nod before charging forward, to the head of the group. Sora gasps.

“You guy go on.” Donald insists.

“Me and Donald will stay here. The two of us’ll back up Master Yen Sid.” Goofy agrees. 

“Donald, Goofy…” Sora tries, hesitation in his voice, but I turn, elbowing him in the side, with hard eyes, reminding him exactly who still stands by him.

“You’re a whole pint by yourself, Sora.” Donald says, and even without probing, I feel Sora’s prominent glow begin to leak into my heart at his words My eyes soften, a smile forms.

“I’ll take care of him.” I tell them. “He’s still housing one of my best friends.”

“Well if we don’t worry about him, you don’t worry about us! We’ll catch up in just a bit!” Goofy says.

“Okay.” Sora finally decides, though I hear his voice waver.

“We’ll regroup later.” Mickey agrees.

Master Yen Sid presses the walls of his path further and turns to us.

“Make haste.” He orders, there is a collective nod from the group as we head forward, past the blackness and into the wasteland. 

We walk endlessly, through ash and decay and rusted metal, in fact, the longer we walk, the more I begin to wonder about the ancient war, and how this type of massacre could ever be, on any level, necessary. But this is what Xehanort wants, isn’t it? The darkness burned out of the world, the scales tilted in perfect balance, the light consuming any and all that cast too much of a shadow. I look to my group, all imperfections and impurities--with the exception of Kairi and Ventus and their perfectly bright hearts-- and feel a spasm of hatred grip my core. What would give some self indulgent old man the idea that he gets the be the one to choose how to sterilize the world? I am by no standard of the definition, an idealist, but-- that’s the point, isn’t it?

Nothing’s perfect. Everything is a colossal jumbled mess, and it’s on us to piece through, to sift around in the chaos. The nightmares linger so much longer than the dreams but, without that, what makes any of the light special? I was so ignorant to my own heart, the good things lighting my life once before, I was so cold, but I learned and he didn’t and fuck if there isn’t something violently angry, appalled by how unfair it is that no one taught him this lesson sooner.

Of all of the times for the stars to align just so, how did I wind up on the fast track to a conclusion like this?

We find our way to a crossroads, fitting I think, for how much I long for a dead end. But at the other end of the path, dirt is kicked up and each one of us stiffen as the cloaked thirteen approach. Why they are cloaked, I am unsure, being that only one of their members is a secret to us, but our knowledge does nothing to clear the apparent smugness that Xehanort has bathed himself in. Oh, how I long to tear that smirk from his face. 

“Today, we join these other wielders and leave our mark on fate. I have waited patiently, but together, we shall unlock the Keyblade war’s secrets.” And momentarily, I am reminded of Xemnas, addressing each of us as his comrades, and it makes me curious. But irritation creeps in deeper, curling my fists bone tight as I realize he fancies himself some sort of savior to these worlds. He is the hero and considers us his sidekicks.

I could strike him down right now and it would not be enough to quell the hatred boiling inside of me for everything this man has ever done. Every press and every poke in toward the darkness. I think of the girl, crying, trying to find her godfather in the streets of Radiant Garden, and how none of that would ever have transpired, were it not for Master Xehanort.

This one is for her. 

With the wave of his hand, Xehanort summons his Keyblade and raises it into the air. Tilting my head, an unsettling realization that something is uncannily familiar about this blade--and it isn’t the fact that I’ve seen it before, no, there’s something else-- sinks in. “Now we forge it, the ultimate Key. The X-Blade.” Xehanort decides, slamming his Keyblade into the earth. With huge eyes and held breath, we each watch as fluorescent lines form in the ground. The earth itself begins to tremble with his might. The force raises walls, massive and ancient, like old ruins, from the world. Old Keyblades rain down and clatter to the dirt. Lea grabs my arm and pulls me in toward his chest, sheltering me, and words cannot express how happy I am, despite everything, to feel his arms close, warm and safe around me. All I want is to cling to this, right now. Not the thoughts of how unfair this all is, not the weight of what I am about to do. I just want Lea, I’m unable to help myself as I grip the leather of his coat in my fists, committing every bit of the feeling to memory.

Don’t leave me, Lea.

And he doesn’t. Instead, he holds me perfectly flush against him until the rumbling stops, and if anyone asks, I will say I was merely appeasing his hero complex, but hell, am I so happy he’s accustomed to offering me help, knowing full well, I cannot ask.

As the dust settles, I see the seekers on a pillar high above us, and Master Xehanort on a pillar above them, but around us, a maze of bricks has formed. Peeling myself away, I look from Aqua, whose face is more analytical, to Kairi who is more impatient and eager, to Mickey, who seems to share in my apprehension.

This is it. Everything else has been preliminary, but once we turn down this path--

There is no turning back. 

Sora meets each of us with twinkling ocean eyes and a smile like the stars.

“Here we go.” He says. Separately, we each nod and I watch, one by one, as my friends descend. 

Riku, Kairi and Mickey first, followed by Ventus and Aqua. I take a step forward, toward Sora, but Lea grabs my arm and yanks me toward, mouth crashing into mine. Once again, I grip the front of his coat and will time to still, but once again, it refuses.

“See you on the other side?” He asks, my fave goes hard.

“To clarify?” I raise an eyebrow. He tries and fails to bite back a huge grin. 

“Of the Labyrinth.” He chuckles. “This is it, sweetheart. No more suicide missions. Get through this, and we get our happy ending.” 

And I don't correct him that this is a suicide mission. I just grab the front of his coat and yank him down to my level, savoring just one more kiss, just one more taste. Just one more time to cling to how wonderful he smells.

And then, I watch him take off, just behind Aqua and Ventus, into the labyrinth. 

My eyes find Sora’s, I square my shoulders.

“Ready, partner?” I ask. He smiles hugely, and I think how insane that I trust this child who crash lashed in my world over two years ago, so complicitly. 

“Ready.”

We descend.


	34. Chapter 34

XXXIV.

We enter the labyrinth and are met immediately by two paths: one that leads to Riku and Kairi on the left, going up against Ansem, the past Riku and Xigbar, and Mickey, pitted against Xemnas, Larxene, Marluxia and Luxord on the right. My insides seize up, my heart freezes, I drum my fingers against the flats of La Luxure’s blades, anxiously. I realize, abruptly, that despite having seen very little of him in this brief, third life, I am so unready to face Luxord. Panic shoots through me as my eyes find Sora's. My mouth is dry, and part of me is thankful that he is such a doofus. I don't feel so foolish being vulnerable.

“I can't face Luxord. Not yet.” I shake my head, though I know it would be pragmatic, though I know Mickey is facing four and is in more immediate need of relief, I cannot bring myself to offer it. With utter selfishness, I watch the person who used to be my friend, whip a razor sharp card at Mickey, who blocks the attack effortlessly, but barely misses Marluxia’s scythe in the process. “If you wanna...if you have to go help Mickey, I can cover Riku and Kai--”

But Sora cuts me off, shaking his head, set, determined.

“You're my partner, Rueki. We stick together, all for one and one for all.” He assures me, so thorough, so passionate, his comfort warms me, I bite back a smile that feels so natural, despite the circumstances.

“You're a good kid.” Thank you.

“Hey, I mean, you've gotta stay around me to put Roxas back.” And I love that he knows me just well enough to know exactly the right way to say ‘you're welcome’ to me. This time, my smile is unshakable. 

“Remember, Xigbar is mine.” I try with a bravado that I think does a grand job at masking my fear. Because this is about recompletion, this is the offer for another lease on life, not cold blooded murder. I owe Xigbar nothing, he's a pain in my ass, human click bait and most definitely not the other traitor. He is not on my side and I am nothing more than cheap entertainment for him. Putting him down is not inherently cruel, it isn't going to be a problem.

And if it is, I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to watch Luxord fade. 

“Right.” Sora says, now, smiling so purely, still a child beneath it all. He draws his Keyblade back and sprints forward, down, through the labyrinth. I’m quick at his heels as I watch Kairi hurl her Keyblade toward the past Riku. A bullet rains toward her, and I’m baffled at the speed my own legs take me, arms up to guard before the bullets even hit her. With a strangled grunt, I skid back, just a bit, not quite into her, and she yelps, suddenly hyper aware of my presence.

“Rueki!” She beams. “Sora!” 

“What did I tell you about letting him get distance on you?” I snap at her. She giggles, whirling around to swat back bullets that come raining toward me. 

“What ever happened to you taking care of Xigbar?” She counters. And as she says his name, I feel his eye lock onto me, an extension of his arrowgun. I tilt my head, glaring at him, but the Freeshooter merely meets me with a predatory smirk.

“Well, well. The fun has finally arrived..” He chuckles.

“Have you met me? I’m like...anti fun.” I disagree. “Cover me.” I tell Kairi, as I go forward, legs like lightning beneath me. Xigbar laughs, dry and amused as his crosshairs lock onto me, but I expect this. In fact, I anticipate his every move. Xigbar is a sly opponent, tricky as all hell to keep up with, but I know him like the back of my own hand, I know how he fights, I know how he tires, I know his weak spots. It is odd, of course, how utterly in tune with him I feel and yet--

Nothing surprises me.

My guards come up, he fires, but not at me. His eye glints with wicked delight as he fires at something behind me. Momentarily, I crouch, prepared for a bullet aimed at my head, but when the bullet goes soaring far over where my head once was, my heart stops.

“No!” I scream, wheeling around, taking off, pushing myself off of the ground with my hands as I skuttle toward Kairi. But the bullet goes even past her, and I realize I have made a deadly mistake.

Xigbar knows exactly where to hit.

But his bullet knicks Riku’s wrist and the master cries out, his blade nearly dropping in the process as he struggles to hold his own against his past self. Riku is stronger now, I’m sure, smarter, more calculating. But this too, comes with a cost, one that I know well, as I have made the very opposite transition. Where logic once guided me, passion and grit now do, and the same holds true for Riku. His past self has gas in the tank for days and doesn’t seem to tire as he laughs and taunts the current Riku. The past Riku slams his razor sharp blade into the current Riku, who grunts as he skids back, hair whipping in his wake. The past Riku cackles and goes lunging forward, but where I was there for Kairi, Sora makes up for Riku. The boy charges in and meets Riku’s past counterpart with enough force to send sparks flying across the field as metal grinds into metal.

“Sora, thank you.” Riku breathes, but I have not a moment more to pay attention to that interaction or any others, for that matter. Because Xigbar teleports directly in front of me, faster than I can blink. I gasp as I feel the head of his arrowgun on my forehead, but quickly draw my knee up and kick him square in the chest.

“Thank you, little Rueki, for showing me exactly where to hit you.” He chuckles, skidding back, as though I haven’t even so much as dented him. He raises a gun to Kairi, who is currently parrying one of Ansem’s attacks, alongside Riku.

“Good thing I already know exactly where to hit you!” I lung at him, locking my arms around him as I throw him into the ground. And we crash, we crash for lifetimes, endlessly, disorientingly. Reality swims, screwing up my equilibrium as a lazy sort of euphoria settles into my veins. 

It is only then, that I realize, Xigbar has shifted space on me. And I feel delirious. I feel hysterical. I feel I could stay here, falling endlessly with him for days, and this would be safe, this would be best. This is pleasure, untainted, raw, I clutch Xigbar too tight, as slowly my reserve starts to disappear. Its okay, I think, no matter what happens, all will be alright, everything’s good, life feels fantastic--

I hear Kairi’s scream and see only the tiniest of cracks in my delirium, but it is just enough. With a grunt, I pound my elbow straight into his sternum, and this time, we do hit the ground, my legs on either side of Xigbar’s waist, knees taking the brunt of the fall. But my hesitation is gone, I slam my Knuckles down, aiming for his chest, when he flips me with the quick jerk of his hips, my back hitting the dirt with a thud. He hovers over me, puts one arrowgun to my head and aims the other one, tauntingly, toward the redheaded girl I love so much.

“You fuck!” And I know it’s going to hurt, but I crane my head back and slam it into the head of Xigbar’s gun, with enough force to send it clattering, though not without smashing my nose into the sturdiest part, where the handle meets the base. Wild, whitening pain floods my vision. Instantly, I feel as though I am under water, and I struggle to breathe. But the broken nose and the gash in my forehead are more than worth the sharp pain, when he emits a shocked noise and goes sputtering off of me. He staggers, I grab his legs and visualize us far across the field, me atop him. A sharp, hooking sensation grasps my stomach, but much as I hate teleporting, this is worth it. So very worth it.

I’m panting, body already uncomfortable, exercising abilities I haven’t in so long, my shoulders shake, my head bobs forward, my hair creates a curtain that rains down on him.

With just the slightest shift of his hips, my back hits the dirt and I think, fuck, this was so much easier when I wasn’t worried about someone I love. This was so much easier, just him and I, in Transmute City, with nothing at stake--

Nothing to lose.

“Too slow, little Rueki.” Xigbar hoists himself to his feet, points his arrowgun at me and is promptly met by a brilliant, floral Keyblade sailing across the arena and straight into his chest. He goes pummeling back until he smacks into a wall and I am greeted by the fresh relief of a cure spell.

Instantly, Kairi is at my side, helping me to my feet.

“You’re a gem.” I tell her, voice sounding thick and nasal as I struggle with the bones in my nose. The fucking thing is a hell of a lot harder to realign than just dislocating something and the damn blood that starts to spill from it is more agrivating than anything. 

“You did say to cover you.” She nods, raising an arm as her Keyblade finds its way back into her hands. I take a large breath, squaring my shoulders as Xigbar peels himself off of the wall, with a loud grunt.

“Nasty little Keykid.” He shakes his head, rolling his shoulders. “Didn’t anyone ever teach you to mind your business? I mean come on, two on one is hardly fair.”

“Mmm, just like thirteen against seven is fair? Get fucked.” I roll my eyes, but this only prompts a smirk to start twisting at the edges of his lips, curling and distorting as it upturns his scar.

“Fine, you want a real challenge?” Xigbar leers. “Hey, big man? Why don’t you let the kiddo and I handle this. Give our heroes a little helter skelter to look forward to at the end of the line?” Upon his words, Ansem turns, meeting Xigbar with such a Xemnas like expression that it turns my stomach sour. Undoubtedly, based upon looks alone, it is quite obvious Xemnas and Ansem are two sides of the same coin, but the wickedness in Ansem’s eyes is so much more intentional than Xemnas’ scattered madness and that unnerves me much more.

With an abrupt pause, Ansem roars, spreading his arms, stopping Riku mid attack with a force of darkness that I watch spread to Xigbar and to the past Riku, both of whom seem to acquire a new glow in their golden eyes. I swallow dryly; my own experiences dipping my toes into the darkness leave no doubt in my mind, whatever Ansem did to these two is going to energize them that much more. Suddenly two against one doesn’t feel so unfair. I tilt myself in front of Kairi as I look to Xigbar.

With his arms still spread, Ansem takes off, into the air.

“Wait! Ansem!” Riku gasps, struggling to his feet, leaping into the air after, striving still to correct the injustice that this man has cursed him with, and oh, do I want to aid his desperate ploy at revenge. But the past Riku is quicker to follow him than I can possibly be. 

“Where are you going?” And the Riku of the past, knocks his present counterpart back to the ground with a well placed kick to the chest. Riku hits the ground, Keyblade clattering against the earth. 

With a sneer, Ansem turns and disappears before the master can even rise to his feet.

“Hey!” Kairi snaps and sprints, legs taking her, with an impossible speed, to the past Riku. She screams, Keyblade drawn back, as the distance between her and the past version of her friend disappears. The boy chuckles, deviantly, as he draws his sword back in turn and knocks her down without even breaking a sweat. Kairi is a lot of things, but strong hardly makes the list. The attack is foolhardy, even by my standards and my heart catches in my throat as I am torn between doing my duty and keeping an overpowered Xigbar at bay, or saving my friend. 

The past Riku saunters over to her broken form, kicking dirt toward her in his wake, and she winces, whimpers, almost too dramatically. My heart shatters, splinters, begs me for action, but a bullet fired from Xigbar’s arrowgun requires more of my attention. I raise an arm guard to deflect as he cackles.

“The pretty princess gets bodied. Too bad. Ah, well, let’s speed it up, little Rueki. Keep the line moving. Don’t go breaking down on me over a cute redhead, at least pretend that’s not your weakness.” He taunts, as every fiber in me screams to end him quickly and rescue my girl. My anxious eyes dart to where the past Riku towers over her, blade above his head, malignant smile upon his lips. 

“Your time is up, princess.” The past Riku’s sword goes soaring down, down, too hard, too fast, my legs can’t move quick enough to dive in and save her, Sora scrambles to his feet, screaming her name.

Indigo eyes flutter open, a huge smile crosses her face.

Kairi grabs the past Riku’s ankle and shouts.

“Pearl!”

This time, the princess doesn’t need saving.

The scream that peels from the past Riku’s lips is enough to rouse his present counterpart, to shake Sora, to even set Xigbar on the edge. I watch his shoulders heave with an impossible breath as I stop in my tracks.

The past Riku buckles, grunts, hits the ground as Kairi pushes herself to her feet, knees wobbling. She can scarcely stand, but this time, he’s in far worse shape than she. Her ailments are remedied as she tugs a Potion from her pocket and downs it. 

“No.” The past Riku grunts, shaking his head. 

“Yes.” She says flatly, draws her blade back and slams it into him, one final, deadly blow. Hardly powerful, but beyond enough. The past Riku falls onto his back, Sora helps the present Riku to his feet, exchanging tentative stares with his friend. “You may wear his face, but you’re not my friend. He would never do to me what you did. You’re not my Riku, you’re not real!”

“He’s not real.” The past Riku struggles to form words as he points a finger at Riku. “How could you...Naminé...after I promised to protect you.”

The words don’t make sense to me, but Kairi gasps, Keyblade clattering to the ground. Quickly, I search Sora’s heart, trying to find a trace of something, but whatever exists in Kairi’s heart is a mystery to him, as well. 

“You’re not Riku from the past.” Kairi whispers, fingertips gingerly brushing her mouth. “You’re the one that...you’re the one she dreams about.”

“The replica.” Riku breathes, finally able to stand tall.

The replica. Distant memories come back of Axel informing me that Vexen had created a replica based off of Riku’s data and had filled it with false memories of Naminé, to taunt Sora. Our paths hadn’t crossed, I had my own demons to fight without looking this one in the eye.

“She...she dreams...about me?” The replica struggles for breath and I watch, in horror as darkness start to lick at the edges of his body.

Not like Axel, not like Axel, not like Axel.

Lea is fine, he’s safe, he’s--

“Yes.” Kairi whispers. “You were her hero.”

“I’m a sham.” The replica whispers, but Kairi shakes his head, kneeling down beside him. “She came from you, you’re real. She’s meant to be with someone else real.” And I watch the way his eyes find Riku’s, full of hate, of jealousy, of a desperate longing for all the Master is, all that the replica can never have.

“Just because something is meant to be, doesn’t mean you have to silence your heart and accept it.” Kairi says. “You protected her. You’ll always be special to her.”

“But I wasn’t strong enough...You bested me.” The replica chokes.

“Because I wanted to keep her safe too. Let me. I’m going to help her get the life she deserves, I promise. And you? You can rest now.” She assures him. The replica scoffs, turns away from her and eyes the clouds above us. 

“If I can’t be around to protect her, at least you can use my shell for her. Give her a body of her own.” He says, as finally darkness takes hold and he disappears into oblivion, leaving only a blank, empty shell in his wake.

My eyes narrow as I find Xigbar, once more, across the arena, unmoving, just observing.

“Why haven’t you attacked?” I ask.

“Can’t a guy just enjoy a show?” He tilts his head, and the answer is yes, and based on everything I know about Xigbar, this type of motivation shouldn’t baffle me, but the longer I regard him, the deeper the sinking suspicion settles into my skin--his intentions are not amusement. 

“What do you want?” Kairi snaps, hoisting herself from the ground, from beside the fallen replica body. He snickers.

“Why don’t you ask the alchemist. Think, think, little Rueki.” He chuckles. Sora huffs, beside me, bracing himself.

“Like we owe you anything!” Sora counters.

“As if, kiddo. I gave you a moment’s reprieve, how’s that for compassion?” Xigbar rolls his visible eye, before it locks onto me. And I think of his wording, of how despite our fights against each other involve me heavily favoring magic, he referred to me as an alchemist. The pieces start to come together, my mouth forms a tiny ‘o’.

“You want equivalency.” I say, just loud enough for him to hear. And I know he hears, because his wolf’s grin becomes intolerable.

“What do you mean by that?” Sora asks.

“He means he wants to fight one of us alone.” Riku clenches his jaw, eyes finding mine. There is a deep sense of understanding between the two of us, a burning need to lay demons to rest.

“Find Ansem.” I encourage him. He nods.

“Yeah. Come on, Kairi.” Riku urges. Her eyes become saucers as she wheels toward him.

“What? I’m not leaving my best friend alone to fight someone, I told her I’d cover her and--”

“Kairi, don’t go with Riku.” I shake my head. “Find Lea. Take care of him. Don’t let his stupid ass do anything self sacrificing. He’s hopeless without us.” I offer her a sideways sort of grin, and she meets me with an expression filled with untainted horror.

“Rueki, I’m not leaving you!” She shrieks.

“She won’t be alone, Kairi. She’ll have me.” Sora insists, and I bite the inside of my cheek, knowing it will do no good to argue with him now, not when Kairi teeters at the edge of her decision.

“Right, Sora’s my partner. I need you to keep Lea from doing anything stupid. Please, Kairi.” I urge. With clenched fists and a set jaw, she finally nods, but throws her arms around me, Keyblade limply dangling against my back. 

“Be safe.” She whispers. 

“You too, kiddo.” I squeeze her back, counting down the seconds until she releases me and she’s safely out of Xigbar’s crosshairs. When she does let me go, she turns to Riku, who squeezes Sora’s shoulder before leading the way for her. 

“Finally. Though I’d hardly say alone at last.” Xigbar chuckles.

“You’re suped up on darkness. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how that feels.” I remind him. He grins, tilting his head to the side. “Play defense for me, let me handle this.” I urge Sora, who looks conflicted. “I need to prove to myself that I can…” That I can put my blade through someone and watch them fade, without crippling my own heart. “If Roxas sees me get smacked around a little, he might get inspired. Trust me, kid.”

“But Rueki…” And Sora is full on pouting, but at least he has the good graces to lay low as I charge in, La Luxure drawn back.

Xigbar and I do not spar, but dance. Simply put, each and every move we make feels choreographed, as though every single second the two of us have spent together, every quip, every battle, has led up to this moment. He takes a step in, and I close the distance in a sprint. He raises his guns, I raise my guards. Bullets rain down on me, but I expect them all and deflect with familiarity. He teleports in front of me, holds his gun to my head and I cartwheel aside, dipping low as I land to slash at him. A boot to my head lands me on my back, and gives him the chance to pierce me in the arm. I choke, lungs constricting as my flesh is torn, but this is nothing. This is the preliminary, and I have to do this. He needs to be reminded that he is hardly the prologue to how this story will end for me. 

I grunt, ripping myself off the ground, springing at him, in exactly the time it takes for him to teleport back, upside down, midair, crosshairs locked on to me. 

“Rueki!” Sora warns but I put a hand up, shaking my head. 

This has to me. This is my responsibility, this is my test to prove that I can live and breathe and fight for the greater good, to prove that I can make the utilitarian choice instead of burning to save my would be friend. But Luxord’s once blue and now golden eyes fill my mind and my hesitation becomes Xigbar’s window. Once, twice, I am hit, a bullet in the calf, a bullet in the shoulder. A scream rips from my lips as I fall to the ground again, scattering back, skidding onto my knees. The ache is sharp, clear, focused, it stings mean, but this is by no standard of the word, the worst ache I have ever endured. Through the blinding agony. I push myself to my feet, push myself to ignore the screaming in my legs and the fact that I still cannot catch a deep breath as I sprint, push myself to think on my feet and not simply react to my ailments. More bullets come raining down, but I deflect them, unflinching, teeth bared. 

“Too slow, kiddo!” Xigbar chuckles, which pisses me off, something fierce. 

“Fuck you, Magnenga!” I shout and even he is unable to ignore the yanking of a Magnet spell. It seizes him, snatches him and whips him just within range of my blades, which I promptly sink straight into him. My arms falter, my entire body goes rigid as I feel the very noticeable penetration of his flesh, buckle his being. 

No. 

There’s something within me that has always been there, has always gripped me, however latent. It doesn’t matter what side he’s on, it doesn’t matter that he’s egging this on, it doesn’t matter that this is in self defense or that this is for the good of the world. Something beats inside of Xigbar, something inherently human, made of flesh and blood and bone. Something of what he was once cared enough about me to hand me books of fairy tales. He’s mortal, with a past, with a story and I-- 

He’s going to be recompleted, but what makes me think I should be the one in charge of any of that? It is one thing to want to kick him when he is down, to hurt him because he is my enemy and I have attitude for days. It is another to know I would be responsible for him fading. He is not my karmic scale to tip, how dare I think I deserve to? I don’t see Luxord’s blue eyes anymore, but Zexion’s single blue eye. 

No. 

No, please, no, not this, no. 

Panic wracks my limbs, my hands tremble as I pull my blades from him. Midair, he gains momentum, flips and kicks me down onto my back again. Tears start to prickle. This is too real, he is too much and I’m not enough. I don’t know why my journey to deal with my lack of emotions had to lead me here, but I’m not a hero. I feel very small, unable to atone, and so very raw. 

This isn’t the life I want. 

“Hey!” He snaps and I blink up at him, feeling tears, too hot on my cheeks. This is mortifying, this is-- “You’re not supposed to go soft on me, little Rueki.” And I know I’m not, but something about this feels inherently wrong. 

“You can’t be my responsibility, it’s not my fucking job, it’s not my fault that you chose the side of a madman!” I retort. 

“Come on, kid. Is that really for me?” He cocks his head to the side, I think it must be nice to be him, constantly high on anti gravity, unable to understand my inherent panic. I know he thinks I am misplacing my feelings for Luxord and perhaps I am, but there is more weight in this now, as I stand face to face with what I must do. “I’m the bad guy, remember?” 

“You’re a bastard!” I snap. 

“And if you keep soft like this, your princess is gonna pay the price!” It’s almost like he’s pushing me to the edge. 

This isn’t a fight, this is a dance, and he knows exactly which steps to take, he leads and I follow. 

The distance between the two of us disappears as I launch myself into the air. High, high above him, I grab his ankle and scream.

“Gravity!” We crash, with teeth rattling force into the ground, both of us crying out. My very bones seem to shake, but my recovery time, thanks to preparations is far faster than his. I slam my head down into his, the taste of blood immediately fills my mouth. It takes a lot to rattle Xigbar though, and this isn’t enough. Again, he throws me off of him, but this time, I use the momentum of my hands slamming down, to spring forward feet first. “Freeze!” From the tips of my outstretched Knuckles, a rail of ice forms and I skid across it and right back to Xigbar. I make a move to lock a leg around his waist, but he knocks me aside, the metal of his arrowgun smarting as it smacks me.

“Come on, little Rueki, you’re boring me to sleep, how do you expect to--”

“Aeroza!” The field around us erupts into a sandstorm. I don’t know how to handle one, but neither does Xigbar, who cries wordlessly as he throws an arm over his eye. With narrowed eyes, I trudge through the storm I’ve created, trying to focus on his dark, whipping ponytail, but my own hair twists and whips around my eyes. An idea pops into my head and I wonder--

With the flick of my wrists, I focus on the currents in the wind, the feeling of the air as it hits me, and, as master of my own spell, I shift the wind around me, moving the current like a barrier around my body. I am unstoppable as I barrel into Xigbar, taking him to the ground. But he shifts gravity, and suddenly, we’re hanging upside down, me clinging to him for dear life.

A blade whizzes past us and I regain enough cognitivity to smash my head into Xigbar’s once more, rattling us both enough to hit the ground.

A frightening thought creeps into my veins as I begin to wonder if I can possibly defeat Xigbar. He’s not playing games, throwing the battle the way he did in Transmute City and with battle after battle breaking each of us down, are any of us equipped to survive this? Xigbar and I both push ourselves upward as Sora’s blade goes flying back into his hands and he comes charging toward us.

Xigbar grunts, teleporting back, as I chug a Potion, quickly.

“I know you said to stay back, but after I lost sight of you in the storm--” Sora begins, but I shake my head.

“No, no. You’re right. You’re my partner, we win together or not at all.”

And I don’t care that it’s not fair, I let Sora barrel in, blade drawn back. Xigbar chokes as he fires off a stream of bullets, toward, Sora, which the kid deflects with the whirl of his Keyblade, I leap forward, springing into the air and onto the tip of his blade, at its peak. I flip, high into the air, sailing down, straight in front of him.

With a force I didn’t think possible, I lunge forward, arms charged, popping crackling, sparking as I wrap my whole body around his, take him to the ground and light him up in an electrical storm that puts all others to shame.

“Thundaza!” This time, where I once sent shockwaves into my own skin, there is now control, focus, I feel the very current leaving me and pouring into him as his body seizes and writhes beneath me. 

I don’t realize that I have won this fight until the last bit of energy leaves me and I hit the ground, spilling off of Xigbar and beside him.

“Why does wearing yourself out have to be the only option?” He chuckles, breathless, chest rising and falling as I watch him. I laugh too, the sound borderline exhausted and very much like I have a cold. Fucking nose.

“It’s the only way I know how to fight.” I reply, and for a moment, we lay like this, and I don’t think of how this is the end, I don’t think that he’s a bastard and my enemy. “You really fucked up my nose.” I just focus on the sound of his breathing and mine and how here we are, both of us, at the edge.

“Yeah, well you’re getting married now. Who are you trying to impress?” He laughs, and so do I.

“You only have one good eye, how the hell are you the one to notice?” I ask.

“I still have one good eye.” Is his counter and we laugh again, and I think this feels too light, this feels easy. This isn’t camaraderie but simply commiserating. I wonder which one of us is more exhausted with the choices we’ve made.

But I hear Sora’s footfalls and feel a cure spell flood my veins and the sinking understanding that we are not kindred spirits fills me. I am shrouded in the darkness no longer. I am hardly perfect but I have made my amends, I don’t need to fall beside those gripped by their own emptiness. I stagger to my feet, so does Xigbar, and with one hand he grips me, while he hunches over onto one of his arrowguns, just at the edge, staring down both Sora and I.

“Come on kid.” His voice is ragged and dry. “For old time’s sake. Let it be you.”

I don’t know what possesses me to put my blade straight through his abdomen. My body works of its own accord, an arm thrust forward as I watch in horror. Something feels right. Oddly right, and there is relief in Xigbar’s visible eye as he staggers forward. I swoop in, La Luxure clattering to the earth as I tuck my arms under Xigbar’s, trying to keep him on his feet. He owes me nothing, I owe him nothing. He is my enemy and I had never felt more supreme than when I ground electricity into him. 

But there’s the book of fairytales, there’s the urging to stay alive inside of my dreams, the suggestion to find Kairi to stay sane, the fact that for all intents and purpose he could have killed me in Sora’s dreams and it would have been no skin off his back. He doesn’t need me alive, no one does, and yet…

Is this what I’m doing? Pleading with a man who had the basic decency not to murder me?

“Mmm, you sure do know all the sweet spots, don’t you little Rueki?” He laughs, muscular body impossibly heavy in my arms. 

“You’re better than this, dick head. Stand up, my godfather still needs to punch you.” What the fuck is my problem, why the fuck is this....

“Tempting offer, but I’m gonna pass.”

My heart just wouldn’t be in it. Shit. That’s why. Because he reminds me too much of the man I love, and watching him fade will be a walk back down my darkest nightmare. This pain is not something I can risk, not now. My hands shake, my heart skips a beat.

“You crying over me? As if.” He chuckles.

“Shut the fuck up.” I whisper, because Sora is right behind me and I can barely handle feeling the misplaced emotions I feel with only Xigbar as company. 

“Hey, hey, hey. None of that.” A hand cards through my hair, the sudden feeling of a gloved hand on my scalp is too familiar, and yet, Xigbar’s touch is too foreign. Tears threaten to form, but I can’t cry, now not when this is only the beginning.

“I’ve watched enough of your ranks die. I thought you were smarter, just live.” I order. He grins, presses his forehead to mine and whispers.

“This is hardly the end.”

He shoves himself off of me and stumbles back. There is a part of me, I’m sure, that is still so fixated on the havoc Axel’s death wreaked on my heart. There is a part of me that is falling apart as I watch him crumble to his knees, there is even a part of me that thinks the world might be quite grand if this wasn’t the end for him.

But I am ever the cynic.

“If I had a Keyblade, it’d be different...” I don’t know who he’s talking to me, Sora or himself, I don’t think it necessarily mutters. I think, if anything matters, it’s the fact that he’s delusional, talking out of his ass, high on whatever the end of his life has skewed his vision into. Delusions of grandeur are undoubtedly his motif, and I think right now, the second in command, blathering on about Keyblades, is delusional in the extreme.

I hate how my heart shatters. 

“Like you’re actually worthy to use one.” Sora counters, and I think it must be sad, the fact that Sora actually has a point on this one.

“Oh, I am worthy.” Xigbar snorts, eye finding me, always finding me. Momentarily, I think of Kairi’s kindness toward the Replica Riku, of telling him that it was alright to rest. I think of being told I look like my mother and of Xigbar’s relationship with her, and wonder if, perhaps, the way he looks at me is not necessarily meant for me, but for her. Would it be a kindness to him or an absolute insult to bring her up?

“Whaddaya mean?” Sora asks, and almost shakes me as I realize, not for the first time with Xigbar, that there are other people in the same room as us. 

“The old coot promised to bequeath me his. Why else do you think I would ever put up with all his nonsense?” And he asks this, as though he is finally confessing some great secret that he so desperately has been burning to set free. I crouch down beside him, head tilted, chewing my lip, unsure where to even begin. 

“It’d be wasted on you.” Sora says from behind us. I purse my lips.

“As if.” He scoffs at Sora, and then, to me, says “come on, little Rueki no sad puppy dog look.” But he wobbles forward and my instincts beg me to catch him. I don’t know when I became so blindingly empathetic toward this man, but it takes everything in me not to heal him.

He’ll be recompleted, this isn’t death, no matter how loud my brain screams that it is. And more to the point, this is equivalence at its finest. The greedy fool get his just desserts.

But that’s not how it feels when he teleports onto the ledge of the arena, clutching his abdomen, leaking from where my blades pierced him.

“Don’t.” I plead, voice cracking. But he chuckles, closes his visible eye and rocks back on his heels a little more, little more--

And he spills over the edge.

I don’t scream, I don’t cry, I don’t even fall to my knees, even as his arrowguns disappear into darkness. 

But I do, in my mind’s eye, recall, more vividly than I thought possible, Axel fading, Axel sharing secrets with me in his final breath, Axel telling me not to frown or cry. I know this is not the same, I know the likelihood that Xigbar ever gave a quarter of a shit about me is relatively nonexistent, but I cannot separate nor deny how very much these two happenstances feel so alike.

I cannot ignore the shattered remains as my heart falls to pieces.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I realized I made Rueki's dress red in one sentence and black in others and that bs continuity makes me wanna scream.
> 
> Anyhow, I'm thinking 46 or 47 chapters for this story and then we have 'Incinerate', the in between story that will come after!  
> Thanks, as always, for being part of this wild ride with me

XXXV.

 

I walk numbly beside Sora, wiping blood from my aching nose. An Elixir can mend a lot.

But how am I supposed to watch my former friend fade if I cannot even stomach putting down a man who barely offered me a basic human courtesy? A man who merely reminded me too much of someone I love?

“Rueki? Rueki?” I scarcely realize that Sora is calling my name until he starts shaking my shoulder, and even then, it isn’t until I start staggering that I regard him.

“What?” I bite and he flinches. Fuck. “Sorry, kid. Not in a good headspace.” My voice dips down into a whisper. Sora grabs my shoulder, offering me a head tilt and a smile that reminds me very much of how Roxas used to regard me, when he had absolutely no idea how to comfort me.

Oh, Roxas, please come home, please hug me like you used to, please quell me.

My boy.

But no amount of broken hearted thoughts stir my best friend from Sora, whose arms are now, wrapped tightly around me. 

“He was recompleted, Rueki. Him, and your other friend will be too. It’s okay.” He assures me, as I scrunch my face, trying to fend off the misplaced, bubbling emotion.

“I don’t know why I thought I could be a hero, I know I’m not. This is too much, this is hard.” I know in whining, I know I have no room to complain, but hard seems the greatest understatement of my life. Sora seems to get it. He nods against my head.

“But you are a hero, you’re doing this. You can do this. You’re gonna help bring Roxas back, we’re going to stop Xehanort.” He reminds me, voice hesitant and unsure, though not at his own motivations, but at how I will react to him, which is honestly quite fair. I laugh softly, dryly.

“I’m sick of watching people die. I have to live with myself.” I remind him.

“Yeah.” He agrees, and for the very first time, I consider Kairi’s words from our very first meeting and how she told me that after my death, Sora spent a considerable amount of time locked inside his room. I think that I might be the first kill that he really processed as a kill and certainly the only time he has ever had to put a friend down. I think that in the past year, the growth he has been forced though, the pain he has endured, the things he has had to come to terms with must seem impossible for someone who is, for all intents and purposes, merely a child. Never have I wanted him to remember Castle Oblivion or my actions within, but I think of Larxene goading him into murdering her, of how he watched Axel heartlessly assassinate Vexen, I think of my own emotions getting the best of me and how he very easily could’ve been ended at my hand, and of how that pain might very well crush this poor boy. Of course he is not so very one dimensional that he is merely the air headed hero, but I think that this really needs to be it, that this needs to be the end of the journey for all of us. Not just me and my shredded heart, but for Sora, for Riku, for Lea, and for Kairi, who is always left behind.

Even…

Even for Isa.

“But that’s what we’re all here for, Rueki. Our friends are our power.” He reminds me and I laugh, this time a little more heartily. I take a breath and then draw away from him, offering a weak smile. No, my heart has nothing on his, but it is resilient and carries on, even when it has no business doing so. If Sora can make it through this, it’s the least I can do to offer the same.

“Right, no sense in quitting now.” I agree, for me, but for him too. Because I think he needs to see me smile just as much as I need to feel it. “Besides, my journey started the day your dumb ass crash landed in my world. Let’s end it kid, side by side.”

“Right!” He nods, giving me a thumbs up. 

He might be too pure for this world. But Luxord isn’t, and it isn't my place to feel sympathy for him, despite the way it pours out of me. Maybe the third time will be the charm. Maybe next time he wakes up, he will know better than to choose a losing side. And oh, how I catch myself praying to something I’m sure doesn’t exist, that he has chosen the losing side.

For taking on four, Mickey is holding his own remarkably well, and I suppose that is the difference between a Master and well--

Sora and I.

Mickey is imposing to watch fight, tiny, but agile, flipping over opponents, moving too fast or anyone save Larxene to keep up with, and he is sly, knowing exactly where to send his Keyblade to knock into two enemies instead of just settling for the cheap shot. Mickey is impressive, but even he is only mortal. Even he tires. 

I anticipate Larxene’s move before she even makes it. Mickey flips off of Marluxia’s scythe, sends his Keyblade straight into Xemnas and before he lands, the Savage Nymph teleports in close, dangerously close. Maybe we do fight too much alike, because I understand, immediately, the nasty, twisted grin that curls onto her lovely features.

But I also know how to stop it.

I fucking hate teleporting.

But I do it anyway, I teleport right in front of her, right in the miniscule space between her and Mickey and cry out.

“Waterza!” At the same time, she moves to cast a thunder spell. Water is not only offensive, but defensive too, and with Mickey and I safely inside of my water barrier, the thunder spell makes contact and ignites the entire arena. I watch Sora quickly, deftly conjure a reflect barrier, but agents of the Organization have spent far too long--I know--specializing in one specific type of elemental magic, none of it defensive. Their shells can take more, but I know it doesn’t lessen the excruciating feeling as every one of the seekers are promptly electrocuted, Larxene taking the worst of the attack.

I don’t think anyone has ever reminded her just how much of a double edged sword her own element can be. But I know how to take control of the vicious blade that is lightning, just as well as she can. And I don’t think I mind being the one to slash her with it. 

At the very least, she is a distraction. 

My barrier dissipates and a storm erupts at the edges of all that Larxene is, a storm that completely makes the sparks that pop and crackle at the edges of my skin look embarrassing. 

I grit my teeth and swallow, thick and heavy at the way she looks at me.

“Coming to play the hero now, Rueki? Don’t you think you’re a little late?” She shrieks, sending her daggers straight into my abdomen. I’m quick though, uppercutting, deflecting her attack with my arm guard. The force she impales me with does, skid off my arm guard though. Her blades tear from my elbow to the middle of my upper arm, deep, past scar tissue.

My vision goes white.

She lands a kick to my stomach that sends me flying back, as vision returns. I grunt, landing on my palms, wrists popping as they take the brunt and I backflip, and coming up onto bended knee. I nab two grenades from inside my pouch, etch a quick circle into the dirt with my blades, and slam the explosives into it. The reaction is almost immediate and beyond draining, but this Cluster Bomb is vastly more powerful than any I’ve synthesized before. They burst, a violent blaze that the arena can barely contain. Larxene shrieks, Marluxia grunts, Xemnas seethes, even Luxord tries to block my bombs with his cards, but my attack is as impossible and unrelenting as I. 

As the smoke clears, Sora parries Marluxia, Mickey clashes with Xemnas and my eyes meet Luxord’s. Broken, accusing. 

“Whatever happened to ‘in the next life’?” I huff, fumbling for a Potion from my pouch.

“Rueki, love, if you could even begin to understand, I--”

“What a touching reunion.” Larxene sneers. I barely have my Potion finished when Larxene teleports in front of me and kicks me square in the jaw. My head smacks into the earth, hard enough that my skull seems to rattle, but hell, at least my jaw isn’t dislocated. She makes a move to stomp on me, but I grab her ankle and throw her to the ground beside me, shoving myself up and onto her. My Knuckles are drawn back, when she laughs, high and haughty as her thunder spell brews heavily in the air But my own experience with thunder magic, coupled with my knowledge of her fighting style have me properly prepared, and yes she does cast her spell, but she doesn’t hit me. Instead, I absorb it, let it settle deep inside myself, eyes going huge, overpowered in the extreme as thousands of volts of electricity flood into me. And I take it, take it deep, pushing my body above and beyond, but I don’t feel the sting of her magic, instead, I greet the spell with open arms and as I hold it, pooling with power and magic and might. I slam my twitching hands into her shoulders and redirect the lightning straight back into her.

Her shrieks could make me go deaf.

Spasming, wailing, Larxene flicks her hips and kicks me off of her. I hit the ground as she seizes but watch Marluxia thud beside me. My eyes find Sora’s as he holds a blade to XI, shoulders moving up and down. A vibrant glimmer catches my gaze, and I see Mickey deflectLuxord’s cards back at him. Xemnas skids back, behind his comrades, golden eyes finding me, Sora and Mickey. I peel myself up off the ground, lips curled back as Xemnas spreads his arms, so much in the way Ansem did. Darkness floods the field, seeping into Larxene, to Marluxia, and to Luxord, who lights up immediately, as though drinking in a strength he couldn’t dream to possess. He sighs, shoulders rolling back as Xemnas teleports away.

Right out of the way of the fire. My set jaw and narrowed eyes focus in on where Xemnas stood, merely seconds ago, and think that is a type of vengeance I will not regret. But for now, I crack my neck and squint up at the person that should have been my friend. 

“Exactly what I need.” Luxord chuckles, eyes cold, villainous, so unlike the man who held his tongue while Demyx and I broke free. What has he become? Or is this me? Or had I been seeing him with kaleidoscope eyes, dreaming of the man who entertained me with chess and card games, as a captive? There is sport and mischief in his smile, but--

Is this him, or is this me? Have I cried my last tear for him? Has this truly been the final straw?

He sends a card hurtling at Sora--at Roxas--and I think, undeniably, it has been. With Lea in the balance, with Kairi in the balance, Xigbar was merely a weak point, something too familiar. I will not make the same mistake twice. Luxord has chosen me last every step of the way, and I feel no guilt in returning the favor, at long last.

“Look out!” Mickey urges, leaping high to swat the card away with his Keyblade, but I see X’s move coming, have been his opponent far too many times. I see his move, and my legs cannot possibly work fast enough. Where I once admired his cunning, his constantly active mind I now look to him with utter contempt as his card captures the king, leaving Sora and I the only two standing.

“No!” Sora cries and Larxene laughs, high and haughty.

“Oh, poor baby should’ve known all his friends were going to die today.” And I think fuck her, this is it, today the mighty and proud will be broken.

“Sora, one final game. The rules are simple, all you have to do to win, is find me among the cards and strike me down.” Luxord offers.

Anger begins to pool inside of me as I look at him, icy, cold and calculating and brilliant, and none of it appeals to me. Every word I have ever said to Lea about letting the people of our pasts go rings clear in my head. I am not exempt from my own advice.

“Don’t hesitate, Sora.” I urge, looking straight at Luxord, who finally turns to me. I know he expects to see contempt or loathing, but I meet him with frost. No more hopes will be wasted on this man.

With the wave of his hand, Luxord disappears from me and into the cards, which promptly begin spinning around Sora and I, a whirlwind that is impossible to follow. But Larxene and Marluxia do not join him. Instead, as Sora and I squint, while wind whips past us, I hear the telltale sound of Larxene’s cackle, the sound of Marluxia grunting and heaving himself to his feet. I turn to Sora, urgency burning across my face.

“Find him, I’ll keep them at bay.”

“What about the King?” Sora asks, holding his Keyblade at the ready.

“He’s fine, probably frozen in time. He could probably use a break.” I offer a wry smile. Sora nods, seeming to recharge a little at my dry humor, and, without a moment’s more debate, he charges forward.

Marluxia, however, has no investment in the plans Sora and I have made, because just as Larxene descends upon me, a blur of electricity and high pitched giggles, Marluxia swipes his scythe toward Sora, who parries without even flinching. The boy’s memories may be repressed, but from within his heart, I feel latent memories seem to glow. The knowledge of how to defeat these two may be forgotten, but isn’t missing entirely. He doesn’t anticipate Marluxia’s moves, but rather senses them and makes quick work, slashing at a card and either ducking out of its explosion or jumping high, blasting Marluxia with the brunt of the attack. XI is smart, but oh, how he is complacent with victory looking him in the eye.

Larxene, on the other hand, is all of the worst parts of fighting with Xigbar and then some. She’s too quick as she delivers a high kick to my jaw that sends me skidding back, unrelenting as she teleports in for more, crashing into me with a series of well placed jabs, laced with electric current. Unable to redirect without the high ground, I convulse as I skid back and then, onto the ground, back smacking the earth with each writhe and spasm. She laughs, raising her foot to slam into my chest, but I roll out of the way of her attack, just in time to feel her kick reverberate in the earth next to me.

The cards around Sora and I begin to whirl again, rearranging themselves as Sora trades blows with Marluxia, grunting as he evades the older man’s scythe. 

“Stupid bitch, hold still!” Larxene screams as I do a backward summersault out of the way of another of her attacks, and rock up onto my feet. I’m unsteady as she pummels me with another dagger infested punch, that I hardly have the stamina to match. Xigbar drained more of me than I had to give, and despite the initial upper hand with Larxene, if I cannot deflect her lightning or, at the very least, cease her attacks for a second, our greatest weaknesses are one in the same. The both of us lack defensive capabilities, and she is using that against me in tenfold. 

When her fist comes flying at me, I catch her wrist in my hands. My move does nothing to stop her from piercing my skin with her daggers, quite the contrary, my new leverage pushes her blades deeper, blinding white agony fills my vision, but ceases her movements. She struggles, thrashing against me and screams and this is my moment.

The Thunder spell leaves her lips at the same time a Water spell leaves mine, but I don’t try to guard myself, no. Instead, I whip her feet out from below her with a violent tidal wave that slams her onto her back and sends her, soaking, into the trajectory of her own spell.

She is impossible, but even she cannot defend against an attack that precise.

She shrieks, lurching on the ground, distracting Marluxia for just long enough that--

That he doesn’t notice Sora’s Keyblade sailing for his head until after the blow is landed.

I’m not sure it is even possible, but I swear, I can hear the deafening crunch as the clunky blade crashes with XI’s skull.

Marluxia is a lion, roaring, agonized and proud as he tumbles onto the ground. 

“No!” Larxene chokes, golden eyes huge as she lays, incapable of moving, incapable of lashing out, incapable of doing anything but thrashing, weakly, upon the ground as darkness comes to claim her partner. 

Marluxia raises his hands, breath staccato as he examines his fading form.

“Oh.” He whispers, voice scarcely existent and so very unlike the hubris man I recall. “So now it all comes back to me.” He laughs, and at first the sound is haughty, then hysterical, and then, traces of heart begin to creep in as his shoulders start to shake.

“Hey, is that a real laugh?” Sora cocks his head to the side. 

“Yes.” Marluxia sighs, as though relief now courses through his veins. “My heart is remembering how to feel.” And I watch the man I once found only disdain for begin to bloom in front of all of us. The very sight brings a shaking Larxene back to her feet, clutching her abdomen, she will not recover from this, and even she seems baffled, enraptured by this new behavior. 

“Really?” Sora asks. “Well, that’s good.” He seems so decide.

“And now, on the cusp of my identity, of reclaiming my purpose for being.” He doubles over, further. “I lost sight of her for so long.”

“Who?” Sora asks. Marluxia laughs, and this time, he is as haughty as I recall.

“My secret.”

And with that, the darkness dissolves what remains of the Graceful Assassin.

And Sora, I love Sora, but he does what he does best and thoroughly fails to read the room, turning to Larxene, who is vibrating with pent up everything that she is incapable of releasing, incapable of attacking us with, as she can barely stand. With a mouth shaped like an ‘o’, Sora cocks his head to the side and looks at her.

“I’m sorry, was it you that he--” 

The Savage Nymph does not even give him time to finish that statement, which is probably for the best, since he’d likely receive a whole lot more than a mouthful of daggers if he did. With a violent cry, she chucks her kunai, straight from between her fingers and toward Sora, who deflects them with the proper swirl of his Keyblade.

In Castle Oblivion, I defeated everyone, save for Naminé, in games of chess, mostly to pass the time. I recall Axel’s apathy being the leg up I had on him, and Marluxia’s pride being his Achilles heel. And Larxene? I see the white hot hatred crackling in the air around her and recall hers. Blinded by her own frustration, she is an easy target.

She stamps a heeled boot into the ground, sounding much like thunder, herself. But I am extraordinary at playing storm chaser, and without my own emotions lagging me, I am swifter than her, leaping across the field as she conjures what will be, undoubtedly, a devastating spell. I leap and twist and remember exactly how it feels to take the lightning in, to writhe and squirm as undiluted power pulsates from my core. I recall, and I utilize. The spell rumbles beneath me in the ground and I channel it, taking it deep, letting it pool in my belly, feeling the raw, pulsating power and then, I shove it right back into her.

Larxene hits the ground, shaking with her own lightning spell, teeth rattling, head smacking against the earth. An inhuman cry tears through her, and even through the spasming, she is still stubborn enough to fight through and smash her fist into the dirt.

“Are you kidding?” She screams in frustration, back lurching as the tremors die down, but darkness begins to pour off of her.

“You’re going to be recompleted!” Sora smiles, all encouragements, racing over to where I stand, and Larxene quite literally spits. Clearly, Sora’s conscious interactions with her were minimal if he thought coaxing was going to tame her.

“I didn’t ask you for you garbage opinion.” She shrieks, jolting up, sitting tall, but that ceases quickly, and she doubles over, clutching her middle, head between her knees. “You stupid, stupid slut!” She wails at me, head snapping up, golden eyes finding mine. “I was supposed to be the one to best you!”

“If it’s any consolation, you’re much hotter with the green eyes. So, dying is probably a good thing for you.” It feels foreign, slipping into banter, all things considered, but it’s been a long time since anyone has called me a stupid slut, and I want so badly to feel as featherlight as I did the very first time she called me a name. Before I took a life, before my own slipped away. I see Larxene and yes, we do fight so much alike, I see in her what I could have become, had I been inducted into the Organization along with Axel and Saix. But also, in her, I am reminded of the person I used to be, and how, if she can wake up with a fresh start, I am more than capable. Should I not get to refresh everything I am, at the start of tomorrow? Xigbar encouraged me to end him, he made a choice. I didn’t put a blade through Larxene, merely defended myself against her attack. This is very different than assassinating Zexion on a whim or killing a man in Transmute City, in cold blood. This is demanding and taxing, but at the end of the day, this does not get to define me. 

Larxene snorts, rolling her eyes with utter contempt of me. 

“You were barely on my radar, anyway. That was for Naminé.” I poke, and she scoffs, a high, disgusted noise.

“How cute. You still think the witch was oh so innocent. I guess this could be worse. I could be as dumb as you.” She mutters. “Or I could become that old geezer’s heart tank. No thanks.” The fight has left her voice, and I wonder, is she being candid or is she just too close to the edges of life and death to struggle.

“Then why help him?” Sora asks.

“I was wondering the same thing. You betrayed Xemnas, what did you want from Xehanort?” I ask, highly doubting she’ll give us any semblance of an answer, more than a scoff or a snarl. But to my surprise, she responds, with very carefully hardened eyes.

“I was really just along for the ride.” She replies.

“With who?” Sora asks, and I think the answer is quite obvious, but as she turns to look away, she meets my eyes and I wonder if maybe there is something beneath the surface. Because she responds, and despite their final words being the very same, I really do doubt she is here for Marluxia.

“My secret.” She sets her index finger to her lips and fades into nothing. 

And with no one else around, I cannot hide any longer from this confrontation. Mickey’s safety and reprieve has come to an end, and so has my own personal sanctuary. I run my tongue over my teeth, clench my fists and sprint in.

I cannot hide my face in my hands and run from demons any longer, nor do I think I want to, to my own surprise, I am very much so ready for this. I charge in, slashing at a card which promptly explodes, I flip away, landing on bended knee to get away from the explosion, before chucking one of my Knuckles at another card, ducking away as it explodes. Sora hits two cards with one swoop of his blade but neither amount to anything beyond an explosion that he dodges, with a quick roll. My narrowed eyes scan the field, searching the remaining cards, which dwindle even further as Sora slashes at two more cards and I toss my Knuckles at another.

One card down, another and then--

Sora’s attack makes contact with a card that emits a grunt and turns into the Gambler of Fate. My blood runs cold. Golden eyes find mine and I inhale sharply before diving in, skidding across the dirt as I block a playing card that he tosses at me. Springing to my feet, I dive at him just in time for him to teleport away from me and away from an attack at Sora’s hand. My nostrils flare as my head whips around and I find him.

“Thundaza!” But he is too clever, teleports too quickly in and out of the hits of my attack, missing every single bolt of lightning in a way that I wish I could root for. We could be such a lovely team, this could be such an effortless partnership, but my heart, which can handle no further shattering has sufficiently closed off to him. I catch him, and he artfully teleports away. “Magnera!” The force of the spell rips him toward me, and where there should be hesitation, where there should be disappointment, is now only duty. 

He has done this to himself, every single fucking time I extended a hand, he has slapped it away, and I do not feel sorry for him, I won’t. 

Without mercy, I sweep his legs out from beneath him, but he quickly regains balance, staggering back just in time for Sora to sprint around him and smash him into me. The force with which the Keybearer hits, has Luxord’s eyes blown wide as he tumbles toward me, but I leap into the air and kick him square in the chest, back into Sora’s blade. With a miserably huff, Luxord teleports away, summons another circle of cards and disappears into them.

Sora takes a breath and makes a move to charge in, but I shake my head.

“We’re not doing this shit.” I say, fumbling through my pouch as I draw a rudimentary transmutation circle into the dirt with the toe of my boot. “He’s not strong, he’s just clever, the only we he can get an upper hand on us is if we let him wear us down.”

“Then we’ll just cure ourselves every time he disappears into the cards, he can’t hurt us from in there.” Sora insists.

“Or, we just blow his cards apart.” I press a scrap of map and a bomb fragment into the circle and watch it light up as a series of small bursts incinerates each and every card on the field. Mickey staggers forward from the card he is bound inside, crying out as he raises his Keyblade in the air and cures himself. But Luxord staggers too, and Sora hardly gives him the chance to catch a breath. The Pineapple I synthesized doesn’t drain me quite like a Cluster Bomb does, but between Larxene and Xigbar, and the damn alchemy, I fish for a Potion, desperate for some sort of relief from the taxing I have already done to my body.

I don’t even have time to uncork the Potion when I hear a telltale cry echo across the field. 

Cards scatter to the ground, spilling across dust and dirt and the ashes of the beginning that could’ve been. I find Luxord’s eyes and my heart doesn’t break, but rather, I feel an empty, distant sort of wistfulness for the handful of could have beens that mark our entire friendship. To me, he will always mark the saddest of truths, that no matter how deeply I long to change a person, no matter how bad I want something to work, some things are unable to be pressed into place. My entire world has become a circus of destiny and fate, he is not the exception. 

“You were born for these sorts of games.” He grunts, eyes flicking to Sora, where safety lies. He is my deviation and I am his wildcard and some things are doomed from the start. With a sputtering inhale, Luxord summons a card and tosses it to Sora, who catches it, with huge eyes and great ease. 

“What’s this?” The boy asks. 

“A wild card, you’ve earned it. Hang onto it.” He nods at Sora. “It could turn the tables.” 

“Play ya again someday, when we’re just guys?” Sora suggests, and my jaw clenches.

“He’ll let you down.” I say, twisting my fists, bone tight around La Luxure. 

“That’s your final play, love? I had hoped for a far grander move.” Luxord chuckles, shaking his head. “You’re not one for contained displays.” 

“I can’t hope for you anymore.” I mutter. “Every time I do, it ends like this.” 

“In flames.” He nods. “Your preference.” 

“I wanted you to betray them so bad.” I bite my lip, resisting the urge to crouch beside him, because the best thing I can do now, the best thing I can do for either of us, is let him go, let him live. Recompleted or no, the last thing either of us need are hopes and expectations from one another, ever again. This toxicity needs to be allowed to let die, but I can tell that my desire to eliminate pain doesn’t match with his drive for yet another game. Maybe Xigbar was right, maybe all I’ve ever been is there for the show, an interesting player to watch. Maybe my drastic ways are my failure, but maybe I can change, even if no one else can. 

“I wasn’t merely playing for myself, this time.” Luxord counters. “My motivations weren’t for Xemnas.” 

“No, for yourself.” I remind him. “You think you can always pick the winning side, but luck runs out for everyone, even you. I can’t hold my breath on you.” 

“Perhaps not.” Luxord’s golden eyes fall away, up to the sky, where the darkness he is begins to dissipate. “But perhaps the third time will be the charm. One more life, one more chance.” 

“You’re too smart to take that gamble.” I grit my teeth. “I don’t trust you anymore.” 

“I’m just smart enough to take the gamble, love. You don’t trust me, but against the odds, you care. We both know that is the more difficult feat for you.” His eyes find mine again, softer, vulnerable than they’ve ever been—except, no. I remember him watching the resolve in my eyes as I urged him to join me in taking down Xemnas and Saix or to stay out of my way, I remember the defeat in his eyes as he reached out to me, unable to handle the emotions he was convinced he didn’t feel. I set a hand over my heart and immediately toy with the zipper of my dress to hide the gesture. He chuckles, so soft, I almost miss the sound, but my eyes fly to his. “You are so much more than the girl any of us expected you to be, when you landed in our world.” 

And it’s just like that, he takes the strings of my heart and yanks me down beside him. I crouch, the two of us at eye level, me with a hand on his shoulder, him with a hand on mine. 

“If you could’ve just betrayed them, things would be so different.” I insist. “For you, me, Demyx. You were my friends first.” 

“That we were.” He agrees. “I suppose, I could promise you, once more, that this might be remedied in another life.” 

“You could.” I say. “Or we could stop trying to make something fit that isn’t meant to be.” 

“Since when are you naïve enough to sway to destiny?” He asks, and it strikes me that I am not, that I never have been, that simple act of submitting almost seems too much for me. But my body, my being is made for war, for ache and ruin and an impossible toll. I laugh, dryly, eyes finding the ground. 

“You’re right. Maybe what I should’ve said, is maybe we should stop trying to make something work that’s bad for both of us.” I finally murmur. He goes perfectly still, a sculpture, and I think that for a moment, he is truly gone. 

But then, he speaks. 

“Things could’ve been so different.” Luxord mutters. 

“If you betrayed Xehanort, they would’ve been.” I say, and he makes a move to speak, opens his mouth, and only emptiness comes out. He looks away again, at the darkness shooting into the sky. 

“Goodbye, Rueki.” He sighs. 

My hands fall away as he fades to nothing. 

“Goodbye, Luxord."


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Sam's school of writing the longest chapters of life. I almost didn't get this out today because it is SO fucking long, like seriously, this is a 15k chapter. I'll pray for you guys as you read.

XXXVI.

 

My eyes flick across the tunnel we stand in. On one end waits Aqua and Ventus, on the other, Kairi and Lea.

Along with Kairi and Lea are two faces that have me forgetting the weight of this war altogether and considering the utter satisfaction of bashing said faces into the dirt. Xemnas, Saix. Traitor or not, I am tasked with putting Saix down and those are shoes I do no mind stepping up to fill. As for Xemnas, well, what better way of coaxing my Roxas out of Sora, than pushing him to finish the task we set out to? Strike down the man who held us down for so very long. A girl, slight in frame, donning a hooded coat parries one of Kairi’s attacks, but I hardly pay her any mind.

“Them first?” I ask, nodding my head toward our redheads. Sora nods in agreement, then hesitates, swallowing dryly, feeling my tension, I’m sure.

“Are you ready Rueki?” Sora’s gauging me, as though he genuinely fears that Saix’s presence will trigger something. Hell, maybe my heart is calling out to him, but the fear, the trauma is buried beneath my motivation. I stare down at the ring on my left hand, Lea and I made a promise, and no, I should not be taking sick pleasure in this, I should grow, I should learn to live and let die, but I cannot until this chapter closes. I do not visualize forgiveness, I do not consider the hesitation I felt upon seeing him at the clock tower. This is the last moment I will have to slay my demon and wear his blood as war paint. Perhaps things have changed, perhaps this is a moment for our new beginning, and for Lea, when his friend is recompleted, I will begrudgingly accept that, but at this very moment, for me, I need things to stay the same. I need to look at him and not see someone who sought out forgiveness, but the man who tormented me to quell his own jealousy. Perhaps I am a dull, unimportant, loudmouth of a girl, a leech in the worst way possible, perhaps I am every bit the unappealing parasite he thinks I am. But that only means he will have to watch, helplessly, as this parasite devours him. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I say, with all of my conflict thoroughly repressed. Still, the bond in our hearts has Sora reaching out for me. I swat his hand away and offer him a half smile. 

“This isn’t going to make your heart any happier.” He tries. I shrug.

“I know.” I say. 

“Then why--”

“I’ve gotta be able to sleep at night, kid.” I set a hand to my hip. “I need to know that I’m stronger than him.”

“You were so upset after fighting Xigbar, and then everything with your other friend--” Sora begins, but once again, I cut him off.

“This is different, he’s not my friend.” I shake my head.

“But he’s Axel’s.” Sora reminds me. I sigh.

“Doesn’t change anything.” And I can see his annoyance at my words, because of course Sora wouldn’t get this. But this is my karma to deliver, this is my comeuppance to exchange, and to me, this will never not be exhilarating. I have been a monster just long enough to crave the taste of revenge, that cannot be changed.

“Okay.” He mutters, and with that, he summons his Keyblade. I call upon La Luxure and the two of us take off into a sprint, not stopping as we pass Kairi. “Axel! Kairi!” Sora alerts them of our presence, and Kairi, she’s just so perfect. Her eyes flick, playful and alight to the two of us as she beams.

“Rueki, Sora!” She chirps, and I think this is simultaneously the most stressed and at ease I will ever be in a fight. I’ve fought beside each of these three more than anyone else I’ve fought alongside today. I know Sora’s pattern of attack, I know Kairi’s strengths, I know Lea’s weaknesses. I know how to become an unstoppable force with these three in tow. The attacker, the defender, the mage, and the hero. We are the saviors straight from fairy tales.

But that’s just it, I love these three most of all.

The smaller figure comes charging at Lea, Keyblade at hand, but he swings, almost leisurely and parries the girl, sending her flying while he does an impressive backflip over to where Kairi is standing directly between Sora and I.

“Nice to see ya!” Leal grins, wolfish and cocky, I roll my eyes. 

“Nice to see you haven’t died yet.” I grin.

“Come on, I was fighting on his side, no way he could lose.” Kairi winks and my heart glows. Truly, my life would be so different if these had been our allies when Lea and I first longed to defy Organization XIII.

A pair of glowing yellow eyes find me. 

“Miss me?” I leer.

“That is hardly the terminology I would use to describe what I feel for you.” Saix growls and I think, cool, Berserk has sufficiently set in and he is not interested in playing like he is on our side, despite what both he and I know.

“Damn, that sucks. If you had manners, maybe you’d be invited to the wedding.” I drum my fingers upon the flats of La Luxure and go sailing in.

My fist is cranked, Saix’s Claymore is drawn back and the click, clack, clang of metal biting against metal fills the air. He’s got brute force on his side, and where speed used to fall to strength, I no longer falter. He swings his Claymore up above his head, I raise my arm, guards and scream.

“Reflega!” The sheer force of my reflect spell is overpowered as all hell, my guard appears around me, a perfect 360 degree defense and even Saix cannot smash through it. Instead he ricochets back, the collision sending him straight back into the wall separating off this arena. Sweet fucking victory. Perhaps he has darkness on his side, perhaps he has Berserk on his side, but I am no longer the alchemist with underlying, unknown abilities. I trained beside a wizard, I have learned talents I never dreamed I could capture. I am better than a guard dog who only knows old tricks, this time, he will not take me down. This one will not end in a stalemate. 

The girl in the cloak comes charging at me, baring her Keyblade, baring teeth only visible in the right lighting. Her hood hangs so low, I’m not sure how she can see, but she cannot even manage to land a single attack on me. Instead Kairi intercepts her, floral Keyblade colliding with a Keyblade that looks incredibly similar to Sora’s. Rather than focusing on it similarities though, I set the back of my hand against Kairi’s as she is locked in a standstill with the girl. Kairi’s eyes flick to mine, I grin and she does too, mischief free flowing between the two of us. 

“Thunder!” I cry, spell coursing from the hilt to the tip of Kairi’s blade and down into the other girl’s. A blinding light flashes and knocks the girl back, but she doesn’t stay down, and neither does Saix. The girl leaps like a gazelle, like a spring, not utterly unlike Larxene, but not as lithe and deadly. Instead, her stance is balance, calculated as she swings her sword at Kairi. Sora is quick to leap to his girl’s defense, but Kairi is no one’s victim. She twirls like a ballerina, she moves, light on her feet like a butterfly and spins her Keyblade into the other girl, who blanches. The cry that falls from her lips is distractingly familiar, but alternatively, I cannot place it for the life of me. The girl smashes her blade down into Kairi, with a force that could put her into the earth. Kairi gasps, throwing her sword up, horizontal to block the girl’s merciless barrage of attacks. She fights with passion, with conviction, desperate to prove something to herself, to everyone. 

‘I’m not a sham!’

The words are overwhelming, flooding my brain like a song stuck on repeat. Xemnas charges at Sora, who doesn’t have time to help Kairi back up, thanks to the two ethereal blades. I nearly miss Saix’s attack as he pummels his Claymore back into me.

Scratch that, I do miss it. But Lea doesn’t. 

He wields his Keyblade as dramatically as he did his Chakrams, whirling it, treating it as though it is a toy, lightweight, easy. The flames of the blade burn bright as he counters Saix and I am all lightning, supercharged, electrifying, eager to find my in and attack. Saix shoves his weight into his attack, Lea grunts, meeting him with a brutal force of his own.

“Isa, stop!” Lea begs. But the effects of Berserk are overwhelming, and Saix shows no mercy, hammering his blade down, unflinchingly, unyielding into the other man. It is going to take everything Lea has in him and then some to hold off the attack. I look to Kairi, who is back on her feet, but struggling to keep up with the other girl. I look to Sora, who is huffing as he tries to parry both of Xemnas’ blades. I look at Lea, whose attacker holds no weakness right now, and I know I could do wonders to help the others, but the man in front of me is the one whose life matters most. 

I see sweat bead up on his forehead and roll down his neck and I do not even hesitate.

“Thundaza.” But I do not cast the spell on the arena. No, I inflict the element upon myself and leap forward. Saix is focused and far more dangerous than anyone else on the battlefield, but with Lea thoroughly distracting him, I manage to lock my arms around him, take him to the ground and and channel the electric current into his body.

The scream he emits should keep me high for days. 

But the sickened look on Lea’s face has my stomach in knots. Put him down, I urge myself. This is my victory lap, this is my sweet release, but the man I love regards me like a demon, and I wonder how this is supposed to be satisfying at all. I wonder how deeply he already regrets the promise we made.

My jaw pops as a massive Claymore crashes into it, dislocates it and sends me flying, still crackling across the field, and I decide I don’t care anymore. No, the weight of these past several battles has weighed so heavily because the balance of the worlds truly did hang in the balance. This one is just enough, this one is for me.

My eyes roll back, vision going purely white as I push and pop my jaw back into place, emitting a sickening noise. This is exactly the same time I feel a blade--heavier, clunkier-- crash into my abdomen. I choke on the air as it rushes out of my lungs, but as vision returns, I reach out blindly, nabbing the seeker’s ankle before yanking them to the ground. It is the girl, that much is apparent in the weight as she hits the ground and I push myself back up, with shaking shoulders. She makes a whining noise and admittedly, I do feel cold blooded kicking her aside, but only because of how she sounds as she cries out.

That fucking voice.

She sounds too much like Kairi, my Kairi, I force myself to snap my head up and watch the redhead smash her blade into one of Xemnas’ sabers, just to prove that she is still standing. The girl makes a move behind me to push herself up, but I tug a grenade out of my pocket, throw it at her, carelessly, and dive back in to where Lea struggles to hold back a newly pissed off Saix. He still seeks to tame the Berserker but I do not hold such optimism.

From behind Saix, I whirl my leg around, roundhouse kick smacking him square in the shoulders. He reacts much in the way one might react to a mosquito, but he is distracted enough to grant Lea reprieve, which he doesn’t seem interested in taking. Saix swings his Claymore, I leap over it, artfully sprinting backward, jumping and dodging out of the way of each of his attacks. My brain works in hyperdrive, striving to anticipate his attacks even before he launches one, but Lea leaps at his former friend, locking his arms around his shoulders, heels dragging into the dirt as though he is not panting and in need of a Potion. Saix grunts, hardly stilled by Lea’s weight, but I take a cheap shot where I can get one, slamming my Knuckled fist into his abdomen. Berserk or not, blades still pierce flesh and Saix seizes, eyes crossing, veins of his throat popping. 

Bullseye.

With everything that the previous fights drained from me, each attack I land on him seems to restore. 

Slash, this is for the child in Radiant Garden who was not to blame for the mysterious girl disappearing. Slash, this is for the girl from Transmute City who shouldn’t have bore the burden of burning envy and shouldn’t have to recall it on her own flesh each and every single day. Slash, this is for the moments the woman will lose in Twilight Town, with her fiance, to the friend who should’ve been given up ages ago. This is for--

Nothing. Because every fiber in me becomes hyper aware that regardless of what comes next, I have already won.

My arms tremble, Saix knocks me to the ground with one swipe of his blade and I do not even have the care in me to get up as he shrugs Lea off as though Lea is a mere child. 

I have already won. I look at the green eyed man panting, sprawled out mere feet from me and think of how from the moment we reunited, I was the one who held him, who spent the softer moments with him, I am the one planning the rest of forever at his side. I am the one he has so thoroughly, so blatantly chosen. Everything Saix took from me, and I took something more precious from him, unapologetically. 

I will never look at myself and not wish I had been harder, but will he ever look at himself and not wish he had been softer?

Are nightmares so awful when I know he is having them too and doesn’t have someone with scalding arms to coax him back to sleep? Suddenly, this is not about equivalence and my last excuse utterly slips away.

This is not tilting the scales, this is choosing to be a vindictive cunt and forgetting how to stop.

Saix descends on me, eyes glowing and I hold my breath, just in time to watch a leather coat and a burning blade skid past me.

“Isa stop!” Lea roars, and, with all of the force he is capable of, slashes back at his friend. He falls all the same, crashing into me. I feel like a child as I cling to his coat and think, for the first time, that the man I love might be just as frightened as me. I realize, abruptly that he has likely never been on this side of Saix’s attacks and I wonder if now he truly understands the severity of my fear and hatred and anxiety. Fear and hatred and anxiety that all pool at the base of my throat, stuck, unsure, in question for the first time ever, and in the heat of everything. “Rueks, come on!” He urges, yanking me, but my eyes find Kairi, who is skidding closer and closer to a wall as the cloaked girl beats into her. I see Sora, who, even with all of his might, is incapable of dodging the attack of one saber as Xemnas pushes against his Keyblade with the other.

When did this turn so south, so fast? And is it my fault? Has my cracked resolved changed the outlook so thoroughly? 

This is impossible. I need to be bigger, better, stronger than myself. Staggering back, one hand still clutching Lea, I fumble through my pouch, chewing my lip, holding my breath.

Everything I need, everything that is going to kill me. The world begins to fall to pieces around me, and before I even make the move, I do regret being as selfish as I know I am going to need to be, but isn’t now the time, if any? With three people I could call my partner, shouldn’t I be willing to lean, offer equivalence? High risk for high reward?

My mind is made up. I squeeze Lea’s hand as I trace a circle into the dirt with my boot. He makes a move to stand in front of me, misplacing my fear, but I yank him back, drag him down and press my lips to his, quickly. My hand leaves his, fidgeting, working until--

I pull away from him, drop an object in his hand and smash a Shining Gem and a Supreme Gem into the circle I have created, eyes flying huge as white hot energy seems to fill every pore in my body. It is all consuming, my body spasms as I take a breath that feels impossibly shallow and too deep all in one. The Sunburst fills me, threatening to tear what remains of my body limb from limb, but damn, I’d rather take this than watch Lea’s face as he realizes I handed back his ring. 

With every molecule of my body, I shove the energy down, deeper, deeper, until instead of feeling flooded, I feel full. My vision is pure white for just a split second, but then, I see everything in pristine detail, the entire world becomes perfectly lucid, unbelievably distinct. I can count the fibers on Saix’s robe.

I can tangibly feel the seconds tick by on my body’s internal clock before the effects of this trick wear off and I am reduced to less than ash, with only the hope that I can make enough of a difference.

At an inhuman speed, with a force that I can feel shredding muscles and tendons, wearing down ligaments--though I feel zero pain-- my body whizzes across the arena, Knuckles cocked impossibly back. A feral roar fills my ears as Saix charges in, moving almost in slow motion to my pristine eyes, and I don’t even recognize the sound coming from me until my spiked fist pierces straight through his abdomen, tearing through flesh. He screams, my leg hooks beneath his knees, and in a kick that seems to take no effort at all, I knock him to the ground. My uncanny senses hear footsteps behind me, but I don’t even need to look, I whip my arm back and send the blades of La Luxure flying, unsatisfied until I hear the cloaked girl cry out. Saix hasn’t so much as moved from the earth, beyond to spasm and writhe, eyes blowing out, glowing still but huge as he fumbles for my blades still inside of him.

“You should’ve played traitor a whole lot better.” I slam my hand into his chest, feeling the electric crackling of my skin, I don’t even know if this spell is within my range, but with every bit of this supernatural strength coursing through me, limitations feel impossible. I look Saix dead in his glowing eyes and push the thoughts of guilt and shaky resolve aside and think of how much taller my friends can stand with one fewer adversary. “Burst.”

Electricity ripples through his skin as the field glows with my spell. I hear the sickening noise of fingernails snapping, smell skin charring. I watch as angry red marks flower up from inside of his coat, up to his neck, into his jaw line, branching like a tree. One more hit and--

I crash to the ground, head smashing into too hard a surface as the last of my alchemic steroids leave my body. My vision turns cloudy, undulating as my eyes flutter shut. Not one part of me remains untattered, I cannot feel my legs, my right rotator cuff is torn and I’m almost certain my fist is shattered. The simple act of breathing is too much for my body to take, short, staccato inhales are excruciating so I just--

Stop.

This time, there will be no painful fading, no begging for release, no sobbing hysterically as I long to follow behind Lea. Today, I rest. Like a star, I merely blink out.

An icy sensation floods my chest and I jolt upright, body feeling too hot. Another pinching sensation behind one knee, then the other. I can feel my legs, I can--

Steam could rise off of Lea and I would not be surprised. The both of us are lucky that Saix seems on the brink of fading, himself and cannot retaliate, because as vision floods back to me, it is quite apparent that Lea is injecting syringes of something red into my veins. Something necessary.

“What are you--”

“Elixir. Just like Hanekoma gave you. What the fuck, Rueki?” He roars.

“What the fuck, you! Leave me alone, finish him!” I scream, making a move with my arm which still screams in pain and hangs limply, thanks to my rotator cuff.

“You fucking think I’m letting you die for this?” He snaps.

“Kill him!” I scream, voice shattering. Lea’s eyes sear, burning up as he slams a syringe in my shoulder with far more force than necessary. I whimper but am immediately flooded by white hot relief as the Elixir works magic, mending the impossible, would be irreparable damage I have done to my body. 

“You’ve lost your fucking mind, you want revenge so bad, you’re willing to die for it?” Lea spits.

“Grow the fuck up, I didn’t do anything you’ve never done, I took the strongest player in this game to his knees, grow a set and finish the job!” I hiss, lips curling over my teeth. “Be a fucking man, and do something, get over your fucking friend and win this war!”

He grabs my chin brutally in his hand, jerking me forward, eyes threatening to scorch me, but even in my spent state, I start to crackle, shocking him so that he tears his hand away from me. Fishing into the pocket of his coat, he lays out three more syringes in front of me and rises, whirling his Keyblade around.

“Can you handle fixing yourself, or is that too much for you?”

If it weren’t for the fact that we’re on the same side of the war, I would tackle him to the ground and tear him apart, purely feral. Fuck him.

But I know this is adrenaline and fear pumping through the both of us. Neither of us are capable of processing the deep, impossible worry we feel for one another without lashing out. But he’s not dead and thanks to him, neither am I, and I am content to both lash out and thank him profusely, later. 

With a set jaw, he takes a step directly in front of me, where Saix begins to rise, Berserk pushing his body beyond what it is safely capable of. Once the effects have worn off, he will crumble, fade to black. But for now, he still wields his Claymore like a monster, swinging at Lea who expertly whirls his Keyblade around like a propeller, blocking the attack. With every bit of energy my body has to expend, I push myself to my feet, clutching the syringes, biting back a scream as my weight feels quite impossible. I stagger back until I hit the wall of the arena ad promptly collapse. Kairi is distracting the girl, though even at this distance, I can see her knees buckling and her stamina tapering. Sora is a powerhouse in his own right and has only the faintest of gashes in his arms, but cannot manage to land a blow on Xemnas, with his impossible dual wielding. And then there is Lea, who could eliminate one of the Seeker’s altogether and not make my efforts in vain if he would just fucking--

My body aches, I think to myself. Focus on the pain, mending is my task first and foremost. Gritting my teeth, I search my legs for obvious veins and curse under my breath. Now this is something I never had to become an expert at, for Del and Amaya. Lea’s precise injection is not something I can replicate myself, so with an irritated huff I yank the back off of the syringe, press my thumb to one side of my nose and place my free nostril against the tube before inhaling deeply. My eyes fly open wide and I instantly plug off my nose, to keep from snorting it out.

Fuck. I feel like I’m drowning in the worst of ways, but repeat the same process with another syringe on the opposite side and by the time I do, the relief comes in a hot burst, flooding not only into my legs, which are in the most immediate need of relief, but through my entire body. My eyelids flutter as I ride out an undeniable high, but am snapped back to reality by the biting clang of metal against metal, so close to my ear that I actually do jump, leaping to my feet. With open eyes, I watch Kairi cry out as she pushes the girl back, shoulders rising and falling with the effort. Without hesitation, I call La Luxure back to me, arm raised just so the blades tear through the girl’s shoulder as they return to me. She shrieks, knees buckling as she hits the ground, the leather of her hood trembling along with the rest of her body.

“Stand down!” Kairi snaps at the girl, squaring her shoulders as she stands in front of me. With the final syringe in my hand, I uncap it and hand it to Kairi.

“Drink.” I whisper, because her situation is not nearly as dire as mine and she does not need such direct tissue repair. My legs still shake as I stand, but no more so than they should, as tired and spent as I am. Kairi follows my orders and I take a step forward, closer to her as I watch the cloaked girl huff, clutching her Keyblade so tight the fabric of her gloves is taut. Why is this sounding alarms in the deepest recesses of my mind?

‘I am not a sham!’

My heart seems to lurch as I look around, trying so hard to figure out why Kairi’s voice seems to be coming from somebody else’s mouth, but no one speaks. Rather, it was my own heart, screaming possibilities and things that might have been but--

No. Things that have been. My eyes go huge, every nerve ending in my body lights up. With zero control over my own body, hot tears begin spilling down my cheeks. My poor, poor heart.

My poor, poor girl.

Roxas was right. I didn’t feel it until now, I didn’t notice the ache, but here it is, here it has always been, diluted by the numbing sensation my mind produces upon seeing short black hair and huge blue eyes. In Amaya’s smile, Kairi’s gaze, Yuffie’s hair. Here lies the missing piece, the key to the emptiness.

“Isa stop!” Lea roars, distracting me momentarily. He holds his ground impressively against Isa, but every muscle in his body is perfectly rigid. A Keyblade comes sailing at me, stalling me,but I catch the blade in my hand and push back.

Oh, you. I know where you are weak and where you are breathtakingly powerful. 

“Rueki, what are you--” Kairi begins but the hooded girl lets out an animalistic scream as she tears her blade from me and smashes it toward Kairi. The redhead holds up her Keyblade to deflect, but I am faster making an ‘x’ with my arm guards, footing so rooted that I barely go skidding back. The girl shrieks again, and in the background, I hear Lea screaming once more, begging for Isa to stop.

“Come on, kid, this isn’t you.” I say in a voice like a glass house, at the very edge of shattering, and for my efforts, I see her hesitation, her vibrating shoulders, I hear sobs that seem so violent and yet are trying to be repressed.

I remember the training grounds, reaching into someone else’s heart, listening to Xigbar persuade them, I remember the crippling ache that seemed to come from within, the sadness, the impossible burden. The thought of the loneliness makes my throat tighten. The phantom ache that seemed so apparently, to be missing, has so thoroughly returned. I reach out, fingertips ghosting her shoulders when Lea’s cry pierces the air.

“Isa stop!” He shrieks, and that is all the motivation it takes for this girl to steady her shoulders, swing her Keyblade around and knock both Kairi and I, in one fell swoop, through the air and to the ground, lying just between where Isa has his blade in the air, hovering over Lea’s head, and where Sora lays, crumpled and spent, struggling for breath. Sora's memories tell me that even the first go with Xemnas, he needed Riku at his side and was a lot less worn than the two of us are now. I gasp, choking on breath, as I roll Kairi and Sora both a Potion from my pocket. Wheezing, I push myself up, onto shaky, legs, chug an Elixir and put all of my damned fear and self preservation aside.

“Isa.” The name feels foreign coming from my mouth, but even in his animalist state, Saix is far more interested in destroying me than he is Lea, who as he struggles to stay afoot, seems the less difficult adversary. The Berserker turns, achingly slow toward me. With dangerously narrowed eyes and flared nostrils, I take a step closer to him, taunting him, begging his distraction to be so enrapturing that Lea can make a break for it. 

All I have to do is shove an Esuna into his mouth, and he will crumble. So much for facing my demons with a sense of restraint.

“Rueki, goddammit, don’t!” Lea begs. “Not now!” And I hear his voice completely shatter and wonder how my heart can possibly survive this.

“No.” I disagree. “Now is perfect.”

Saix lowers his blade, pointing it closer and closer to me, until the very tip of the Claymore is one deep breath away from piercing my throat.

“It’s never been about him. It’s about me. Choose your battles.” I say, and this time, despite the Berserk that I am familiar with, I am unprepared for the way Saix regards me. So different than yesterday at the clock tower. The eyes that find me now are blank and empty and without control, and this is when I realize, there are the icy, unfeeling eyes of the man I knew in The World That Never Was. The cheeky Saix, the Saix who came to tease and taunt and beg for death at the clock tower was so bafflingly different, and the very realization that those actions might be the first cognitive steps he has taken in over a decade grip my inside and yank.

I am blank and unable to make a move.

But Xemnas is not quite restrained the same, he teleports behind me, in front of Lea, Kairi and Sora. I can hear darkness as it swirls.

I watch Lea’s face twist and distort as he pushes himself upward, absolute loathing in his eyes.

“Xemnas.” He growls, years of resentment and hatred and regret bubbling up and tumbling from his lips with such disdain that it propels him forward, from behind Saix, to me. He yanks quickly upon my shoulder, drawing me back into his arms, though I think that is partially to distract from the fact that he is using me as a crutch. Still, even with most of his weight pressed into me, I know some of his earlier frustration has been ebbed, if not most of it. With the eerily neutral expression I could only expect from a madman, Xemnas looks upon both of us and then snaps his fingers. Like a good dog, Saix teleports to his master’s side, and what I feel toward him in this moment is equal parts pity and guilt, and I think it is unfair. Unfair that he did what he did to me and that I cannot mutilate him with reckless abandon the way I want to. Unfair that he is the source of things that have come between Lea and I in the year that we have been revived. Unfair that the boy who had chastised his friend over and over to be polite to me now constantly looks me in the eye as an enemy and I think, as much as I hate him, as much as every fiber in me rejects him from my life, my feelings toward him will never stop being plentiful and complicated. 

It should have been the three of us against the world.

But with Xemnas staring me down and Saix’s humanity utterly missing, it is Lea and I, twined in each other, against everything.

“On a scale of one to ten, how fucked are you right now?” I whisper.

“Thirty seven. I’m pretty sure I’ve got a couple broken ribs.” Lea chokes from behind me, and, as though to prove a point, he puts some more of his weight into me. 

“Thirty seven with a couple broken ribs? What a baby.” I roll my eyes but shift my weight, supporting him even further as he presses closer into me. “I’d say great seeing you again, but, you know, it’d be a fucking lie.” I say, flatly, to Xemnas, twisting my mouth into a pout as he regards me, not for the first time, like a speck.

“After all this time, Rueki from Transmute City, do you not understand that the opinions of little girls who failed to prove themselves a worthy vessel, mean nothing?” Xemnas scoffs.

“What?” Lea whispers, mouth at my ear.

“Yeah.” I murmur, quickly, realizing that I neglected to mention that and will probably need to go into further detail. But later, much later. “You know, Xemnas, for everything that ever happened to me inside of your little Castle, I blamed Saix. I did, I really did. Every scrape, every wound, every single blow to my pride, you have no idea, the sheer amount of time I spent wondering what would have happened to me, had I never crashed into your world, the sheer amount of regret... But if I’m being really honest, which, you know, I think we should learn to do with each other, all things considered, the thing I regret most is not shoving a grenade into your mouth the very first second I could. You are a leach.”

“Insignificant words, coming from the succubus that turned a once great assassin into a shell.” He brushes me off with ease, eyes finding Lea. And I should’ve known better than to expect a reaction from him of all people, but his neutrality has me straight on the edge of turning into an absolute beast, flying off the handle just to get a leg up on him. But he has altogether moved on from me. “There was a time when I trusted you to deal with traitors.” He reminds Lea, who scoffs from behind me. “And now your betrayal outstrips them all. What final words do you have for your superior?” I predict a whole realm of reactions from Lea, ranging from absolute fire to accusations and blame finally being placed on the man who warped him so thoroughly. What I don’t expect is the hysterical laughter that starts up behind me. Lea’s perfectly taut stomach spasms into my back and I jump, involuntarily, jerking away from him. He all but topples over onto his knees, clutching his abdomen as round after round of idiocy consumes him. I begin to wonder if perhaps I should intercede as Kairi looks at me with a raised eyebrow, sitting up straight. But Lea takes the unspoken question into his own hands and answers in tenfold.

“Oh, I don’t think so. You had me believing for all of those years that I was to do your bidding like a good little apprentice, just to get my heart back. And I didn’t question the short leash, not even once. I’ve gotta admit, you really did have some serious leverage over all of us, especially when we still had it inside us to hope. Rueki told me everything. About how we all had hearts from the very beginning, and I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. The things you did to us...to him..” Lea’s voice wavers from its bravado as he casts Saix a very pointed look. “All under the guise of getting our hearts back? It’s pretty damn sad, the lengths you had to go to, just to keep your hands clean. But then, hey, like I said, lots of time to think. About how you never lifted a finger. Not once. Even when you’re allegedly so super powerful. Why, oh why then, would you have left Marluxia to me, Roxas to Rueki, Rueki and I to Isa? And that was when it clicked. At the end of the day, if you were really so powerful, why the constant deviation of tasks? Nah, the thing is, I’m not an idiot, and I’m sure as hell not brainwashed by you. If you ask me, the reason, the only reason someone else had to do your bidding, every single time is because you just aren’t up to snuff. Couldn’t hold a candle to the rest of us. The mad king. You want last words, how’s this? You were never my Superior.” 

I fall in love with Lea all over again, stumbling, tripping, heart sputtering at the pure defiance he spews. 

“The rogue pawn thinks himself a king.” Xemnas chuckles, shaking his head, as though this somehow amuses him, as though Lea didn’t cut him bone deep. “But you were made to be knocked early from the board. Utterly useless and forgotten.”

“Get fucked.” I say, loudly, looking conspiratorially at Lea. Because for the first time in this war, this feels justified, this feels right. Every single second in The World That Never was, every bit of manipulation, every moment of gaslighting, every single time Xemnas pushed me into darker depths, just to use me and to spite Lea, has built to this very moment. This is not cold blooded, this is not useless death. This is how we emerge victorious. “You’ll lay a finger on him over my dead body.” I square my shoulders, taking a step, angling myself in front of Lea, who chuckles behind me.

“See, got loads of people rooting for me. Rogue pawn my ass.” Lea replies. I tilt toward him, fighting back an impossible grin as I see the fire of revolution blazing in his eyes. No more fear that we will be hunted down, no more playing the game, no more sneaking around, trying desperately not to get caught in our rebellion. “No one’s axing Axel. Got it memorized?” And he darts forward, blade swung behind his shoulder. He sweeps past me, whips his blade forward, sailing directly for Xemnas’ head and--

And is stopped short when Xemnas catches the blade in his hand, as though it is a mere toy. Lea grunts, trying to free his Keyblade, and immediately, I sense panic as he yanks and pulls. Despite his smart mouth, he does not have the strength to finish this attack, not with a weapon that only materializes from his heart’s will. My stomach pummels. I leap in, nab a grenade from my pocket and am smacked in the face and thrown onto my back, thanks to a particularly nasty hit from Saix’s Claymore. I choke, struggling for breath, clutching my chest, trying to push through the wind being knocked out of me. But my head tingles and spins, it is impossible not to wince as I struggle to push myself up. But between Sora and Kairi, the two skuttle over to me and hoist me up, onto my knees. 

“Is this supposed to be a Keyblade? Or is this some sort of joke?” Xemnas snorts, tearing the blade out of Lea’s hand and tossing it to the ground, where it clatters against the dirt. My heart vaults into my throat, my eyes become huge, pupils a tiny pinprick. 

“Roxas. Please.” Is the tiny prayer that escapes my lips as arena abruptly goes pitch black. Individually, red spots ignite, and before I can fully process what is happening, what is occuring, we are encased in red laser light. I cannot scream loud enough. 

Kairi grabs my arm and jerks me back as lasers go flying at Lea, a devilish grin splits Xemnas’ otherwise stoic features, teeth gleaming in the red light, and Saix? He’s completely idle, every bit the guard dog--or the blinded beast?-- as a laser pierces Lea. With arms pinned behind my back, I watch my lover’s eyes go huge, his abdomen spasms with the hot ache of a fresh wound. And then another, and then another. I tear at Kairi’s arms, but she holds tighter, locking me in with all of her might.

“You’ll die trying, Rueki!” She pleads.

“I don’t give a fuck, let me go!” I shriek, thrashing and stomping as hundreds of lasers hurtle into Lea piercing him once, twice, again and again, agony crippling him. He hits the ground, folding in on himself in ways I have never seen before, and each ounce of protective instinct I have resurfaces, with teeth bared. “Let me go!” But she doesn’t and the noises Lea makes turns my vision black. He’s a boy on the ground again with an open cavity where his heart should be, he’s in Betwixt and Between, fading to nothing. A broken, empty howl bubbles from his chest as my vision returns in time to watch him topple, face first, into the dirt. 

“Our plans have been dashed by you far more times than I care to count. And now it ends, I will purge that light in you...” Xemnas says, taking a step toward Lea, laser sword at his side, but looking at me in a way that informs me, with little left to the imagination, that I am next. And I don’t even know what kind of errand, wild thought floods my mind to give me this idea, but next thing I know, I knock my head back, smashing my skull into Kairi’s just hard enough to turn my vision white, but to force her to let go.

“Magnega!” And with my arms out, I dash to Lea, skidding through the dirt just before where Xemnas stands. But not just me, a burning Keyblade sails through the air, toward my hand, toward where Lea lies, just a little closer and he’ll have something to defend himself with, a little closer and he can hoist himself up and get the hell out of here while I--

While I catch his Keyblade in my palm as though the very sword calls to me.

Flame Liberator. I stare, with huge eyes, above my head, where the blade rests, unmoving, lingering, as though this is where it belongs. And oh, does it feel right. I did not realize a blade could feel so perfectly balanced, so utterly tailored to my own grip. This is when it dawns on me, I am not supposed to be able to hold this blade. I am not its home, but here it lies. I don’t know who this disturbs more, me or Xemnas or even Lea, who gasps behind me.

“Rueki from Transmute City. You are far more of a blemish than even I could have predicted.” Xemnas makes a move to knock the blade out of my hand, as though it is precarious and at any point I will be left defenseless. But instead, with a quick whirl, as though the flames seem to bend to my every whim, I whip the blade, knocking his hand away. “Insolent girl, you think yourself a guardian?” And with that, an ethereal blade bares down, above Xemnas’ head, toward me. I twirl the Keyblade horizontally, listening to it whiz as I press my weight upward, every muscle in my body straining to block the attack.

“I’ve always been a guardian, asshole.” I snarl, shoulders spasming with effort, jaw tight. “He is the Eternal Flame and I am his watcher and you, not your guard dog, not any of the other vessels, you will have to break my body clean in two before you can even think about touching him.” I spit. 

“You were a failed vessel, a shell of something that could have been meaningful. You were made to be broken.” But instead of him breaking me, I abandon my efforts on blocking his attack and kick him, hard, in the ankle, where he bares no weight and is easily sent, toppling to his back, though so am I, with a violent bite on my wrist where the ethereal blade made contact with my skin. Choking, I struggle to my feet, but Xemnas is by far less dented, less expended than I, who have endured too many impossible battles by this point. My skull is still rattling. With a few quick steps, his blade is pointed at the hollow of my throat, and I cannot even turn to look to Lea to apologize. I don’t have it in me to conjure a Reflect spell, poor Kairi and Sora are both so broken still, and I watch the flames on Flame Liberator flicker, as though they are on the brink of extinguishment. “Like this sham of a Keyblade, a blade you are not meant to wield.” 

‘I’m not a sham!’

Her words echo in my head before she even appears, knelt down, gloved hand wrapped around Xemnas’ ethereal blade. Xemnas turns to her, head tilted.

“Changing sides again?”

“We need them alive. You know that.” Her head is dipped low, her voice so soft but so insistent, as though this is the one thing she is able to stand for in a world where elsewhere she would sway with the breeze.

“Not her.” Xemnas counters. “The girl is of no consequence. And the rest of them--we only need their hearts to forge the Key. Not their souls.”

But I turn to her, and although I cannot see her face, I can feel her, I can sense every face I have seen on her shell, and I reach out.

“Thank you.” I breathe. She flinches away from me, shoulders tense as she stands, dropping Xemnas’ blade. 

“Oh, but she was your ‘friend’, wasn’t she?” Xemnas asks, an obvious taunt heavy in his voice. “Then you take her life. Take the life of someone who forgot you with such ease, who chose Roxas over you.”

“But I remember now.” I tell her. “I remember and I’m sorry and it does nothing but...I couldn’t hear you in my heart. Every time we got close, everything got hazy, but I loved you too and I’m sorry. I wish I could’ve...you deserve better than this.”

“Rueki…” Lea’s voice crackles, like a flickering flame behind me and I scoot back, closer to him and think fine. If this is the only option, if the only way this gets to end is us going down together, fine. “Who is she? What do you remember?” He begs, but I don’t have time to answer. Because her Keyblade flicks to life, and with the tremors in her hands gone, she looks to me, blade held out, aimed right at me.

“I didn’t mean for any of this to hurt you so bad.” I whisper, though I think she might be done listening to me. Kairi struggles to her feet.

“Please, don’t hurt her. Please.” Kairi begs, tears heavy in her voice, but this is not the right move, to the person who feels they have been replaced by her, and the Seeker whirls her blade, smashing it into Kairi. This peels Sora off of the dirt, spent, at his limit, barely able to stand. He stands, arms outstretched between her blade and where Kairi kneels, struggling in the dust.

“Don’t do this.” And although it is gentle, it is an order. The girl gasps, and immediately responds in the worst of ways, jerking her Keyblade back and smashing it into him. Sora can take a hit, but not now, not after all of the expenditure we have been through, and oh how he crumples, crumpling further to his knees with each blow. “Wait, don’t!” He struggles, pushing himself up on shaky legs. “It’s alright, you can stop now.”

And don’t know who’s heart screams louder, with pleas and desperation and too much pent up emotion, but it is almost too much for me to take. 

“Goddammit, Xion! Stop!” I beg, and she does. Her blade clatters to the ground, and I feel her heart shriek. So does she. She grasps her head, shaking it, trying so hard to stifle the conflict, the absolute war burning through her. Beside me, Lea gasps, jolting up, eyes blown wide and I scoot closer, locking my arms around him, helping him sit up straight, using every bit of my effort to retrieve Potions from my pouch, one for each of us, which I guzzle quickly, though he can hardly manage. The headache, oh I know the headache.

Xemnas teleports in, arms behind his back, no longer stationary, but now far enough from Lea and I that I pull out another Potion and chug it right behind the other.

“Useless puppet.” Xemnas mutters, and with perfect composure, kicks both Sora and Xion back, knocking her hood off of her, sending them both, back first, into the ground. 

“Xion.” Lea breathes, as I watch realization flood him.

“Yes, drink, baby.” I urge and he looks at me as though I am mad.

“Did you...have you always?” He starts, but I shake my head.

“Just a little bit ago, drink.” And this time he does, and I watch enough color return to his face, that I finally manage a breath. But Lea is as impossible as he is loyal, and although he is not even fit to stand, he grapples his way across the dirt, grabs Xemnas’ ankle and tugs. With a laser manifested in Xemnas’ hand, he turns, regarding Lea the way he might regard an insect.

“Your Keyblade has chosen another, more fit. You still think you can play at being a guardian of light?” And he mashes upon Lea’s hand. My stomach twists as Lea cries and I hear bones crumble. “You can wait your turn, also-ran.”

But I won’t. I spring to my feet, locked and loaded, Flame Liberator cranked back, ready to commit, ready to dive in, ready to give all or nothing when--

When fucking Sora starts to glow.

Where the arena was once black, it is now a blinding white, brighter than the sun, and I twist, folding in on myself with narrowed eyes, unable to take the light.

But as quickly as it appears, it focuses in, turning to a golden laser that forces Xemnas to jump back to avoid its attack. The laser goes dim, all that is left is dust, and I wonder what sort of magic Kairi just made happen, and whether or not it is going to kill her. But as I look to her, I discover Kairi is no worse for the wear than she was before, and is now thoroughly at Sora’s side, tipping a Potion into his mouth.

A voice sounds off.

“Hands off my friends.”

My heart ceases to beat. 

My eyes become saucers as the dust clears and the angriest, blazing blue eyes become visible.

Not you. Us. The promise we made, and here he is, to deliver.

“It cannot be.” Xemnas chokes, and I am inclined to agree, but there is a glow radiating from within my heart, and it doesn’t belong to me.

The dust settles perfectly, Roxas shakes the remainder of his hood off and I hear Lea, through his agony, through the ache, breathe the most delicious sigh of relief.

“Roxas.” 

He turns to Lea, half smile on his face.

“My turn.” He urges, but I push myself away from my lover, tearing the cap off of my last Potion with my teeth and knocking it back.

“Not you.” I disagree, striding forward. “Us.”

His eyes meet mine, and I think my very heart has been waiting, holding its breath for lifetimes, just for this moment.

I hear Lea grunt as he rises, and behind us, Xion’s voice sounds off.

“Roxas…” I can feel thousands of apologies pouring from her shattered heart, and I am almost certain Roxas can too. So he simply nods at her and turns back to Xemnas.

“This is impossible. Where did you find a vessel?” Xemnas barks. 

“Same as you.” Roxas replies, with every bit of hatred, every bit of defiance, every bit of uprising fresh in his voice.

“Same how?” Xemnas asks. 

“Most of the Organization’s members--they traveled here from the past as hearts. And you had replicas ready and waiting, one for each of them.” Roxas reminds him, but Xemnas seems baffled that we have this information… Demyx… and I suppose Vexen wasn’t such a cunt after all. 

“Who told you?” Xemnas snaps.

“I owe my return to many. Some of them people you know.” Roxas all but shrugs and I think between the two of us, we are living for how this vexes Xemnas.

“Ansem the Wise. Zexion.” Xemnas growls.

“And others, too. It seems you’re not as good at winning over people’s hearts as you think.” Roxas says, raising one of his blades--Oblivion-- high. “There was one last thing I needed in order for me to be whole again. A connection. And between Rueki and Sora, they helped me find my way back again. To my friends.” Roxas turns to me, head tilted, eyes glowing with a smile that lights the both of us deep from within. For so long, we have waited for this. The satisfaction as it brushes our fingertips, is intoxicating. 

“Roxas.” Sora smiles, breathless and broken and looking half like a shell, himself. But still, his light is unending.

“I don’t need hearts. I will scatter them all to the winds!” Xemnas snaps and I scoff.

“Funny, coming from the lunatic who wanted every last heart to himself.” I say, rolling my shoulders back, trying to savor this second, trying to cling to it, because this victory will taste the sweetest, and perhaps stave off some of the previous bitterness. Xigbar, Larxene, Luxord, the others--they can all be casualties, a means to an end if I get to stand beside one of my very best friends and take down the man who lied, who deceived, who manipulated, who gaslit, who poisoned each and every one of us to a certain degree.

After all, everything comes with a cost, nothing can be achieved without proper dues.

But Xemnas looks upon me and something stirs, a gut instinct that warns me something is very wrong. My heart nearly spills out of my throat as he takes a predatory step forward, and much as I want to be the one to meet him in the middle, much as I want to be fearless, I reach out and clutch Lea’s sleeve, I twist myself, contorting protectively around Kairi, because like hell will I ever let this man take another thing from me again.

The smirk that distorts his features and bares his teeth turns my stomach sour.

He teleports, far behind me, to where Sora barely holds himself up, at the absolute breaking point, and grabs the boy, tearing him from the dirt. Sora howls, leaning on his toes, trying to find some purchase, but the boy is barely able to stand. My eyes go huge, and instinctively, I pool my own energy in my heart, in my chest, right at the ready so that he can--

 

“Sora!” Kairi screams, springing away from me, eyes blown out, fingertips reaching desperately.

“Kairi!” Sora chokes, begs, wheezes, and within his heart, I feel every fiber of him begging himself to be stronger, to be the hero for her, but he simply does not have the will to try, not anymore, not so very beaten down like this. In his shattered state, the empathy link feels flimsy, but I try to push my own energy through.

The effort nearly shatters our bond.

“What difference does one little light make?” Xemnas taunts, shaking Sora, who grunts, looking very much like a ragdoll. “You have others, just as we have more darknesses to replenish our ranks.” Xemnas leers, holds up his hand to open a portal and--

“No!” Kairi's voice splinters, shatters. Tears immediately burn down her cheeks, she shakes her head, dropping her Keyblade to the ground. “No please just...please. Not him, take me.”

“Don't!” I beg, fisting around the inside of my pouch trying to find something, anything that I can toss to Sora, to stop her in her tracks. A curing spell will put me on my ass, drain all of the energy I have left in me, with no reserves and even that may not be enough to replenish Sora enough for him to fight back, thanks to the battles we’ve been through, the hell we’ve endured. “Kai, stop you can't just do this shit!” 

“What use could you possibly have?” Xemnas scoffs as Kairi offers her hand. 

“I'm a Princess of Heart, if even one of your thirteen turns, if even one fails to clash, you don’t come out victorious. But…” Her eyes are huge and horrified and so very wet as she looks from me, where I clutch Lea’s broken body, to Lea, who grips me in a desperate attempt to cling to anything that might keep him afloat. To Xion with her shaking hands and reddened eyes, to Roxas, with his two blades and unshakable determination.

To Sora.

“But even if you fail, I’m made of pure light. Just like Ventus. If you fail, I’m yours, if you fail you can still use me to forge the blade. No matter what, you come out on top. No matter what, you summon Kingdom Hearts.” She says. “You can’t with him, he can’t give you what I can. You need him to keep fighting, to make it to the very end. If he doesn’t, what will you have? If he doesn’t, if no one else makes it, you’ll be met with wasted efforts. Take me. Let me be your backup plan. Let him go.” She begs.

“Kairi! What are you saying?” Sora screams, grunting, thrashing, trying with all of his might to tear himself free so that he may cast Kairi aside once more in a desperate effort to protect her. And pay off, his efforts do, though not quite in the way he wants. Xemnas throws him to the ground, a ragdoll, a little boy again and not a hero. I look at Lea who can hardly keep himself upright without me, despite the Potion, and I can’t leave him, I know I can’t, not when he needs me but fuck, he’s not the only one who needs me. My heart screams and I know almost everyone in this arena can feel it. My heart begs, but seems to reach none.

Xemnas teleports in front of Kairi, seizes her by the wrist and yanks her. She whimpers.

“No!” I wail.

“Kairi, don’t! Please!” Sora screams, peeling his spent, abused body off of the ground. 

“I told you, Sora. I’m keeping you safe this time.” She says, all determination, steely eyes, promises woven through her smile.

“Goddammit Kairi, fucking think!” I roar. “You think you can just do whatever the fuck you want? Well you can’t, you’re not strong enough, you’re not a fucking hero, save this for one!” And I don’t know how else I’m supposed to derail her but to cut her deep enough to give her pause. “Please, please don’t be a fucking hero.” My voice shakes as I shove down tears that cannot surface, not now, not here.

But she just smiles at me, cocks her head to the side and meets me with the same excitement that lit her eyes the day I met her.

“It’s okay. It’s all going to be alright. I love you, I’ve got you. We’re going to be fine.” She assures me.

And with that, Xemnas snaps his fingers and sends her spiralling, endlessly, into a portal of darkness.

Something demonic comes to life inside of me. Something claws its way from the very depths of all that I am, dripping blood and hatred and violence. I forget Saix exists. I slip away from Lea, standing tall as he struggles to prop himself up.

In my hand, I swing his blade around. It’s too long for what I’d prefer, it burns instead of sparks and I want nothing, nothing more than to watch Xemnas convulse on the ground in front of me, begging for death as I should have made him do long ago. But ending in a blaze, I think will be horrifying enough.

My eyes find Roxas, and he meets me with a hatred that pales in comparison to mine.

“Let’s finish this.” He says.

“I’m not waiting this time.” 

And with that, I whip in, hair knocked back, eyes tired, body broken. But indigo eyes light my mind, auburn hair tickles the edges of who I am, and suddenly my exhaustion doesn’t matter. The searing pain in my wrist is scarcely a scratch. I am all adrenaline, and I feel nothing. 

I am a firestorm with a tailored weapon as I charge in, Roxas is at my side, two blades at the ready, just in time for Saix to appear, glowing, lips drawn back over his canine teeth. But no, not this time, this time, there is someone I hate more than him. There is someone I long to strike down another.

I grip the empathy link within my heart and tear it, unsatisfied until Sora is sailing across the field, eyes wide, surprised at his own actions as he is forced to leap forward, blade clashing with Saix’s. And Xion, for all of her fear of being inadequate meets him with equal ferocity, leaping into battle, fluttering onto the field and pouding with an unshakable force.

Saix is strong, but he cannot cast aside two Keybearers with renewed energy, especially when I have him waiting at death’s edge. And Sora, who seemed broken and stunted upon Kairi’s vanishing has furiousity returned to him, based on the way he draws his blade back and knocks it into VII.

And with the Berserker thoroughly distracted, I find Xemnas’ amber eyes and meet him with a feral snarl. I recall each and every time he broke me down, belittled me, humiliated me, making me seem an over emotional animal, a slave to my own emotions, subhuman. He wants a rabid beast, that is a wish I can grant.

“Fire!” I scream whipping Lea’s blade, sending it, blazing violently across the field and almost immediately into Xemnas, who barely blocks my attack with a single one of his sabers. But the blade flies back, knowingly into my hand and I catch it with ease as Roxas lurches forward. He is a spiral, a wild tornado, a dual wielding monster, and any mercy he had, turned to dust the moment he touched down in the arena. Where I am fast, he hits hard, smashing a blade into Xemnas, who literally buckles from the attack. I teleport directly in front of Xemnas, Lea’s blade drawn back, and swing, too fast for him to repel, knocked back from Roxas’ blow. But the Superior is quick, and a destructive blaze in his own right. He teleports quickly away from us and blasts, something dark and malevolent looking straight into Roxas and I, before either of us even have time to turn and regard him. A scream tears through my lips, I grasp my friend as I fly into him and we hit the edge of the arena. The darkness creeps back into Xemnas’ hands and that is when I realize exactly what he hit us with. Because my mind his hazy, clouded by only animosity and hatred. And I want to react, to tear apart the first thing I can get my hands on, but a brighter light in the back of my heart yanks back. Sora, I realize, is pulling at both Roxas and I, because I meet XIII’s eyes and see him shake off the same violent feelings. I turn to Sora, and were it not for his tangible presence, I never would’ve realized he had reigned us in, because the boy is fighting, with clenched jaw and gritted teeth, blocking a particularly brutal attack from Saix.

“We need a plan.” Roxas chokes and I nod, because getting hit by a second round of pure darkness is not an option.

“That felt like shit.” I agree. “If I can get in close enough to restrain him, how fast do you think you can knock the blades out of his hands?” I ask, Roxas screws up his face, eyes narrowed, head cocked. 

“If you can lock down his arms, I can knock them out in no time.” He decides. So I take a breath, spring to my feet and go sprinting in. Xemnas is quick with dark attacks, but I move quicker.

“Zero Graviga!” I cry out, and then “Freeze!” And with that, I ride a line of ice through the air, high over the stream of darkness pouring through the ground, which Roxas artfully dodges by rolling away. I move at lightning speed, over Xemnas’ head and leap down behind him, thunder spell ready on my lips. I reach out an arm, take a breath to speak and incapacitate him effectively when a beast of a blade slams into my abdomen and shoots me straight to the other side of the arena. The cry that spills from my lips is broken and crackles, as I thrash upon the ground. But this pain is familiar, I know what my body can handle under this type of duress and as I watch the sword fly back through the air and into its owner’s hand, I take the most staggered of breaths. “Wait your turn.” I growl. But the words seem to fall on deaf ears as he stares at me, unfeeling, glowing.

Fine, he wants to play this shit, let’s play. I roll my shoulder back and sprint in, wind tearing through my hair as he charges at me in turn. My eyes find Sora’s as he charges in as well, and once again, I grip the empathy link and shove my thoughts with such a force that Sora is obliged to act on them. He meets me in the middle, on my path to VII, lays his Keyblade flat, and I leap, through the air, springing off of his Keyblade, even further into the air, my own blade drawn back. This is a move Lea would know to make without even a second’s hesitation, but his blade is in my hand and he is at the edge of the arena, down for the count. Sora will have to make due. Saix’s blade is up high in the air, ready to swat me away like a fly, but as I dive in, I aim low, lock my legs around his waist and snake my blade around his neck, effectively locking him in.

“Thundaza!” My spell rattles him, even in his most overpowered state, and at this proximity, I feel his very teeth rattle as he roars, a wounded lion, spasming violently on the ground. I pick myself off of the ground, lightheadedness overwhelming me. Never have I used magic with this sort of vigor before, not even in training and the effects are certainly weighing heavy on me. Spots flood my vision, and I think it would be grand to fall back into it, to fade into nothing. Like--

Thoughts of Kairi push me to grab an Elixir from my pocket and chug, before turning my attention back to where Xion cures herself and Sora pants.

“Could the two of you attempt to keep him entertained?” I bark.

“Rueki, he’s impenetrable.” Xion huffs, but I’m over her, I’m over Sora, I’m onto revenge, revenge that is more important than settling my own personal scores. Revenge for my best friend. I roll my shoulders back and turn to where Roxas has Xemnas sufficiently distracted, two Keyblades expertly parrying with two sabers. The effort Roxas is exerting is tangible, but the same holds true for Xemnas, who is struggling against XIII’s rage. Xemnas’ skill and destructive abilities are nothing to brush off, but Roxas has rage for days, and that is why it’s always been him and I. From the very first moment of defiance, in the throne room after Del’s life was threatened, it was Roxas that was there for me. And now, we finish this. 

I fumble through my pocket, knowing this is not something that should be done lightly, especially with what the Sunburst did to my body. And I’m sure Saix will be raging long after I am finished, but Sora and Xion surely have it in them to keep him in line as I remedy myself after this. After using everything I have. From my pocket, I retrieve an ability sphere and a Hi-Potion in one arm, scribble a quick circle into the dirt with Lea’s Keyblade and then slam both ingredients into the circle. My body tightens with the effort as I feel every ounce of who I am leave me and then promptly reenter, in tenfold.

The Hero Drink surges through me, my vision becomes crystal clear, and as though made for war itself, my eyes find the slightest of trembles in Xemnas’ stance. I cannot tame this devil’s grin. I charge forward, too fast to register, even in his mind, I am sure, because he blinks and I am behind him blade drawn back. I slam it into the back of his head, and with a cry, one of his sabres falls out of his hand and onto the dirt. I grab the empty arm and twist, with sickening force at a distorted angle, twist, twist, twist until I feel bone snap beneath my grasp. Even the Superior’s voice shatters when he screams.

Roxas wastes not a second of this leverage, one blade spins around and doesn’t just smack the saber aside, but instead, cuts straight through Xemnas’ wrist. Even my eyes grow huge as I watch Xemnas’s hand fall from his body and hit the ground. But with a deep, burning hatred in his eyes, Roxas pulls his other blade back and smashes it into Xemnas’s head. The man’s body goes limp at the same time the Hero Drink is completely drained from me, and I don’t know who hits the ground faster, but Roxas’ arms are open and catch me with ease. I sigh, forehead settling in on his shoulder.

“Curaga!” My head snaps up as I think I hear Kairi’s voice, but instead, I see Sora and Xion charging forward, and know that the voice did not belong to the Keybearer absent. My heart crumbles as my body is restored and in my peripheral vision, I notice that Saix no longer glows, but rather, looks like a puppet, recently dropped of its strings. He struggles for air, and I think damn, he must have exactly one more hit left.

Upon the ground below us, darkness starts to spill through the air, from Xemnas, as he begins to fade, at long last. 

“Bested. By our precious thirteenth.” Xemnas’s voice croaks from the ground in front of us. I push myself off of Roxas, jaw set.

“Where is she?” I snap. He chuckles, golden eyes on the ground, and I see red. I draw my leg back and kick him in the chest, the force knocking him onto his back. He chokes, violently at the force of the impact, but that does not stop me from setting my boot against his chest and pressing. “Where is she?” I repeat.

“With Xehanort. Being kept.”

“Where?” I scream.

“Even I do not know.” Xemnas shakes his head.

“I can make this hurt more.” I press the tip of Lea’s Keyblade against his forehead, and Xemnas grunts, pathetic, helpless. I am the captive one no more, and it feels not nearly as extraordinary as I had hoped. “You opened a portal.”

“To where Xehanort lies, at the end of the labyrinth.” Xemnas informs me. “Even I do not know what he has done with her from there.”

I draw Lea’s blade back only to be met by Sora grabbing my arm, yanking me back.

“Rueki, come on, we’ll get her back, we have to.” Sora says, and I can see in his eyes how thoroughly he believes this, how much he trusts his ability to come out on top, something I can never trust in myself. 

“I’ll get her back now, I’ll dissect him if that’s what it takes.” I snarl.

“Save your strength.” Xion urges, stealing a glance to where Saix stands, stoic, eyes narrowed as he regards me, and I know this moment of utter brutality is something he is giving me, a gift. But then, the thought strikes me, what if this brutality is as much a gift to me as him? He is certainly counting on me to do the tricky work and put down those who need to be, but what if, even the guard dog longs to watch the master who kicked it, be eliminated?

A deep pang of sympathy rushes in that I immediately shove aside by shaking my head. Saix is not my concern.

“We had hearts this entire time.” Roxas accuses, jaw clenched as he regards Xemnas with hatred that simmers where mine boiled.

“Yes.” Xemnas nods. 

“Even you.” Sora says to Xemnas.

“What do you feel? Was any of this worth it?” Xion asks, waving a hand across the arena. Xemnas laughs, dryly. 

“I feel emptiness, where comrades once stood. I feel regret for the hubris of underestimating any of you. The ones I took for granted.” Xemnas says, I scoff, rolling my eyes.

“You are a fucking lunatic and a monster. You don’t get to apologize and make this suddenly disappear.” I snap.

“No, I suppose not. Rueki from Transmute City, do you find justice, equivalence met, knowing that the first surge of emotion I feel in years, is loneliness?” He asks.

“You don’t make up for what you’ve done. It doesn’t work like that.” I answer.

“And you?” He asks me. “You believe you are faultless?” 

“No. I’m a monster.” But before I can draw Lea’s blade back and slam it into Xemnas, the darkness takes him and he fades completely.

He falls. He fades. He disappears, but Kairi does not return in his absence. My hands begin to vibrate, my breath comes in short, staccato bursts, the world around me begins to disappear. This isn’t how it was supposed to happen, this cannot be it for her, for all she worked for, for all she built herself up to be, she deserves so much more than the role of the martyr. And if I cannot bring her back--

What the fuck good am I?

Before the shock can pass, before my body can respond to the absence of the girl I love, I hear my name.

“Rueki.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard him call me by name. With aching slowness, I will myself to react, turning with a furrowed brow and burning eyes. My shoulders heave as I fumble through my pouch, fist closing around an Esuna. 

I promised Lea I wouldn’t inflict unnecessary pain upon his friend, but even I could not have prepared for the utter apathy I feel now, where power should wash over me. 

“You made me a promise.” Saix reminds me and I nod, taking several purposeful steps toward him, shoulders back, head up, heels first.

“I don’t forgive you.” I growl.

“I hardly expect it.” He says. I uncap the Esuna, take a step closer and fling the liquid toward him. A single drop hits his skin, but a single drop is all it takes. A single drop extinguishes the light from his eyes and has him spilling forward, onto hands and knees.

This should feel so rewarding, but instead, I feel so empty. Breaking him cannot repair me.

And this realization hits hard, cold, and sterile as I collide into my own fragility.

Somewhere, behind me, I hear Lea shout in defiance as Saix tumbles forward. Darkness begins to pour off of him, he chokes on his breath. 

“I would say this makes us even.” He grunts, screwing his eyes shut.

“Nothing is ever going to make us even.” I respond, in a cold, hollow voice. “Quite frankly, I couldn’t bring myself to care less about you. I just want her back.”

“Does it make a difference, that I understand?” He inclines an eyebrow. And I don’t look to him with new sympathy. Instead, a frosty numbness coats over the hate that is still very much present inside of me. 

“No.” I say, flatly, in the very second that Lea comes rushing past me, nearly knocking me over as he crouches down to Saix, whose moment of vulnerability completely disappears.

“Why so sad?” He asks Lea, offering the redhead a smile as my lover gets down on bended knees. I hear Lea suck in a breath, I hear the sound of his grinding teeth, I watch his shoulders--drawn too tight like the strings of a violin. And then he roars, loud, defiant,conflicted. I kept my promise and yet I do not question that Lea does not forgive me. 

“You let them reduce you to this?” He screams.

Silence falls thick and heavy like a blanket over all of us. Without Kairi, the weight feels intolerable, and I am certain I can see a barrier between Lea and I, in fact, it feels quite tangible. I make a move to reach out, but feel a leather gloved hand wrap around my wrist. I twist, breath stuck in my throat as Roxas pulls me into his arms. I twine my arms around his neck, hide my face in his shoulder and stay perfectly still, refusing to take so much as a breath. 

I made Saix a promise. I made Lea a promise. They both knew exactly what was coming, I put my life on the line for the man I love, there shouldn’t be such a great divide. But he doesn’t even cast me a glance.

“I thought your girlfriend rid you of a need for those marks beneath your eyes?” Saix leers. Lea touches his face, but does not make a move to correct the title used.

He still has the ring…

Does he--

“So?” Lea chokes.

“You look like you need them.” Saix chuckles. And oh, how unfair of me to think I should be the absolute pinnacle of his world. His friend is fading but I need him. Without Kairi--

She is gone. Xehanort has her captive somewhere and I have no great desire to waste time here any longer, not when I can be out in the labyrinth, searching for her. And yet, Roxas seems to sense my restlessness, whether via empathy link or not, he understands and knows my exhaustion better than anyone. His arms feel stronger than before and wrap tighter than before and I cannot bring myself to move.

“Stop it! The whole act!” Lea snaps. “I thought this was all for her.”

“At first.” Saix agrees. “I sacrificed everything to track her down. You’re the one who went of and made other friends, found a lover. Left her and I in the dust. It infuriated me how you just exited our lives. And how easily you fell into her’s.” Golden eyes find where I hide beside Roxas, I clench my jaw, and only now, does Lea look to me. But his eyes barely gloss over me. 

“But I didn’t.” Lea shakes his head, turning back to his friend. “You’re the one who changed!”

“Perhaps.” Saix agrees, and then regards me. “I loathed you, most of all. Above and beyond. For our lost friend, for taking him from me. I lost all sense of purpose.”

Roxas squeezes me tight, making up for the utter absence of Lea.

“Until you found me. You took me under your wing, you made your peace. It’s okay, all is forgiven.” Xion whispers, and not for the first time, her voice makes me flinch. KairiKairiKairi. More to the point, she is dead wrong. Because with each word that leaves his mouth, I find that Lea is more and more transfixed by him, and despite Roxas’ arms, I feel colder and lonelier and less wanted than I ever have before. I feel less and less remorse and I begin to wonder if I made the wrong move. I was so fixated on getting Kairi back, was I the one who lost sense of purpose? I wanted to feel victorious, to come up on top, to no longer feel like the victim in my own story, but here is Saix, the victim of a pity kill, nothing more, nothing less. Lea questioned whether or not I could live with myself if I killed him, but the biggest question is, how am I to live with myself, having not killed him properly? Saix laughs, breezily. 

“Yes. You were my redemption.” He nods, looking to her, then back to Roxas and I. “Other bridges had been burned. I had only hoped that after all this time, you’d have me memorized.”

“I never forgot you.” Lea shakes his head. 

“Yes, I know. Not your motif.” Saix nods. “But...I was jealous.”

“You were a bastard. You think you deserve redemption because you treated Xion like a person for once? We all remember the way you treated her before. A moment of kindness doesn’t take away from a lifetime as a monster, how many people do I need to say that to?” I scream, and oh, how I wish I could turn into one myself, to tear him limb from limb, to break him down as he shatters, to hurt him while he is vulnerable.

In a world with Lea, can we ever coexist? Are we bound to constantly yearn for a leg up on the other? Are we tethered to clash for his love?

Lea turns to me, horrified, disgusted. He sucks in a breath, but I watch his hands shake. 

There is no more heart left inside of me to break, though.

“Isa I…” Lea struggles for words, struggles, and grasps his friend’s fading shoulder. “I never thought I’d hear you admit that.”

“Well, if I make it back, you won’t get it out of me a second time.” Saix struggles, clutching his middle, face screwing up as the darkness pulls at him.

“If you make it back a second time, you’ll never need to feel that way again.” He shakes his head. And here I was, thinking I could come first. Am I selfish and utterly defective? Does it even matter? Saix grunts, crumpling forward, tumbling, leaving Lea to catch him in his arms. And Lea, who I want to comfort, who I want comfort from, who feels unreachable, trembles worse than ever, a child in this moment.

A boy whose only comfort is his oldest friend. And once again, I am the little girl, on the outside looking in.

“See you, Isa.” Lea mutters.

“See you, Lea.” Saix sighs, disappearing into nothing.

Lea still doesn’t turn to me. Instead, he sits there for a moment, with empty, outstretched arms, staring up at the dark tendrils in the sky.

Sora takes a closer step, Roxas squeezes my shoulder.

“I know what you’re thinking.” The blond murmurs, voice low enough so that only I can hear. “He loves you, we all love you.” 

“It doesn’t matter.” I tell myself, more than I tell him. Lea is merely the icing on top, or is it the other way around? I need Kairi, I need her and my stomach feels so tight as worry pools inside of me and my intuition screams that she is gone from me forever. I need Lea and yet, he doesn’t look me in the eyes, instead, he treats me like I have personally wronged him for doing everything I promised I would do, everything we agreed I could, so long ago. If I have neither of them, I have nothing and I--

No, that’s not right. I have Lea still. I have Roxas, I have Xion, and Kairi is still out there, she still needs me. Between Sora and I, between his optimism, his heroism, his determination and my unbreakable, unshakable grit, she is not going anywhere. And Lea? Whatever ails him, I will mend, and he will mend me, and in spite of everything, we can be okay. We will be okay, we have made it this far and--

My legs all but give out beneath me, and in one fell swoop, Roxas scoops me up, stronger than he has ever seemed before. I squeak, Lea turns, but his eyes don’t soften. 

“I think I need a Potion.” I say, voice small and meek, all things considered.

“You need to rest.” Sora shakes his head.

“We still have to help Aqua and Ventus.” I remind him.

“I can help them, you go help Kairi.” Sora insists. 

“Sora...” I struggle for words, I struggle to stand, but finally, with every bit of forgiveness he seems capable of mustering, Lea takes my hand into his, fishes into my pocket and finds me a Potion. With greedy hands, I snatch the Potion, savoring how my fingers brush his gloved hands, and I drink, squirming immediately, until Roxas lets me go.

“Go on. When Rueks feels better, all of us will search for Kairi.” Lea encourages. 

“Right. Good luck, gotta run.” Sora nods and turns to me. “If you need me--”

“I’ll yank real hard…” And then, I think, so that only he and I know, so that only he and I can feel the shame of my actions, I think of how sorry I am for taking control of his actions. He meets me immediately with a warming forgiveness that is so uniquely Sora.

Despite having downed a potion, I grab my final Elixir and shotgun it, standing between Lea and Roxas as I watch Sora depart.

“Alright, what now?” I ask, bracing myself immediately for Lea’s firey reaction. But instead of a lecture that turns rapidly into an argument, he places a kiss on my forehead, looks up and meets Roxas’ eyes. I turn to Roxas, who, now taller than me, which Lea seems to notice, smiles back. Roxas sets one hand on Lea’s shoulder and grabs mine with the other. Lea’s fingertips brush the curve of my jaw, Roxas’ hand moves from my shoulder to card through my hair before Lea’s hands make a move to envelop both of us in a long armed embrace. He makes a move but hesitates as a small, strangled noise sounds off from beside us. The three of us turn in tandem, memories settling in that feel so foreign and so at home all in one. For what seems like lifetimes, I imagined three of us on the clock tower. Never had I imagined that these boys were filling the hollows that were left behind in the wake of the girl trying so very hard not to sob, beside us. And I don’t know what possesses me, perhaps it is the fact that she looks so much like Kairi, perhaps it is the fact that I need more relief than Roxas or Lea can offer, perhaps it is just the fact that I adore this girl and long to make up for the lost time, the forgotten moments, the resolve I had when it came to ending her life, a task that should not have been mine in the first place, but I tear away from my boys, take impossibly long strides for my short legs, and wrap my arms around her. Xion chokes as she tumbles into my arms, but I smooth her hair and lean up, offering her my shoulder to rest her head upon, and she does, gratefully, bunching the fabric of my dress between her lithe fingers. “It’s okay.” I say, but it hardly feels enough. “I’m sorry.”

For forgetting, for looking her in the eye with determination to strike her down, for choosing Roxas above her.

“I didn’t want to intrude, I know how special you all were to each other.” She shakes her head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cry so loud, I--”

“You were so lonely for so long. That’s how Xigbar pulled you out. It’s okay now though, Xion. You’re safe now. You’re special, you’re loved.” I urge.

“You’re home.” And Roxas’ voice sounds off as his arms twine around both Xion and I. But I don’t sigh, I don’t fully relax until scalding hot arms pull us all in tight. Xion sobs harder than ever.

“I guess I should’ve brought some ice cream.”


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So is anyone else low key losing their minds over Union Cross potentially ending soon/the new ReMind trailer that's dropping this week? Nah, just me? Okay
> 
> So I'm thinking an AU side fic is in the future, because writers block happens, and to get through it, I've been working on a thing where: What if Rueki woke up with the rest of Organization XIII, Kairi was the Keybearer and Axel was Xemnas' future vessel? 
> 
> I'm super excited about the project, I've been having a lot of fun with it, question, since ya'll are my OG fan base: Should it be second person pov (but the reader character is strongly implied to be Rueki) to appeal to wider audiences/ offer more self indulgence or should it still be from Rueki's pov?
> 
> Anyhow, enjoy this chapter/the suffering I put Rueki through

XXXVII.

This isn’t happening.

It is physically impossible, the pieces of the puzzle don’t line up, there is no bit of logic that can place everything properly. It’s a mess so it simply…

Isn’t happening.

I don’t think Lea can look at me.

I can’t say much in defense of myself either. 

As we walk, never touching, me with hands curled around the tops of my arms, as though struggling to hold my innards together, I never once feel Lea’s eyes on me. Instead, with hands on both Roxas’ and Xion’s shoulders, he talks animatedly, as though we are not in the midst of a war, as though we are not at the very edge of destruction. As though we are not searching this grave for any traces of the soul I need most to save.

I don’t know how long the four of us stayed, wrapped in each others’ embrace, a mismatched family, a patchwork home, but even tangled in each other, my hyperactive mind still contemplated a different face, a different name, a different pair of arms to wrap myself in. She saved us, she trained so hard, she wanted so badly to be a hero. Even then I wanted to detach and even now, as we search, I feel no satisfaction, no sinking pleasure at being reunited with this lot. All or nothing is exhausting and taxing and impossible, but it is the only way I can find relief. My overly anxious brain will fret impossibly in this temporary heaven, only in permanence can I rest easy.

So I am simply not resting. Instead, I push every last bit of this aside, with quick motions and jittery fingers. If I don’t stand still, I do not need to be tethered to this reality, she can simply be fighting another battle, she can be safe.

“There’s so much to catch you two up on, you’d never believe.” Lea shakes his head, and Xion beams, twining her arms behind her back as we all walk, me slightly off to the side, wondering when I became the spare, but hardly caring. Because this must be a dream, must be my sickest nightmare come true. 

“Like that ring on Rueki’s finger?” She grins, and I feel an odd sort of displacement at hearing my own name. Right. The ring I gave back to Lea because I set the example that death was worth it, for the greater good. The ring that Lea shoved on my finger before we left the arena to search, wordlessly, as though aggravated with me. Roxas chuckles, my face twists.

“Yeah, I forgot, you weren’t there for that.” He says. “Axel, Xion and I are connected to Rueki too, everything she saw or felt, we did too.”

“Well fuck.” Lea mutters, gaze barely touching me, as though he wants so desperately to make some sort of stupid joke, but is unable to form the connection he needs to appease me. The goofy smile he donned whilst speaking with the other two Keybearers falls completely flat as he meets my eyes.

This isn’t happening.

Traitor, his eyes say. Liar, they scream, and I cannot help the strange new anxiety that seeps into my bones, even as I try to shake it off. Above all, Lea has never made me feel insecure, even at our worst, I never questioned his love for me, but now? Now I am certain he regrets his own promise, now I wonder if he thinks he can ever look at me the same. I curl in on myself, feeling iced over as he turns back to the kids, blazing with glory.

“Well then, hey, I’ve got a lot less to catch you up on than I thought.” Lea chuckles, rubbing the back of his head as I take long strides forward, traveling far ahead of the group. Craning my head, with narrowed eyes, I look beyond pillars, down paths of the labyrinth, searching for traces of life, footprints, anything that might scream that Xehanort is hiding her here.

I am met with empty hands and an emptier heart, I feel myself pummel each and every time I turn a corner and hope creeps in and I think this will be it, this is where I will finally find her.

But I don’t and I won’t. 

I’m not sure who senses my exhaustion first, Roxas or Xion, but simultaneously, they seem to reply less and less to Lea, the trio still behind me as I scour, until finally Roxas creeps behind me and seizes my wrist in his hand. I go completely rigid, turning to him, wondering why this boy makes me feel so small and meek and fragile.

“We’re not covering a lot of ground like this.” Xion pipes up, still beside Lea. Roxas’ mouth twists and I have to look away, hating how exposed I feel. Between the empathy link and his first hand experience with my anxiety, I know there is little I can hide from him, but I hate my heart being so utterly on my sleeve when I prefer it safely hidden within my chest.

“Right, we should split up.” Roxas suggests, grip never slackening on my wrist. I pout, staring at the ground.

“Yeah, sure.” Lea agrees. “Can’t let Kairi down.” And he sounds like he means that, and regardless of how he feels about me, I suppose that is fine. Regardless of how he feels about me, she is priority, at least we can agree on that.

“Okay, come on, Roxas, you and I can take the left, Lea and Rueki can take the right.” Xion suggests, and I don’t know whether to thank her or not, because the only way Lea and I know how to solve our problems is by going up in flames. Roxas, however, seems to know his stance, and he turns to Xion, trademark irritated look on his face. She pouts too, trying very hard, I’m sure, to look stern. 

“But Xion--” The boy begins in protest.

“Please. I missed you.” And she looks at him with these doe eyes that immediately make Roxas’ knees buckle, and I think damn if she doesn’t know how to turn his gears just so. A smile tugs at the edge of my lips as I remind myself to seal their bedroom doors with duct tape, wherever we end up living. 

The reminder that life exists right now, beyond this moment is almost unsettling.

“Um, alright, yeah.” Roxas agrees, though the words come out sounding very much like he is trying to propel water out of his lungs. The poor boy simply cannot hold his own, and he follows after Xion like a lost puppy.

Leaving only Lea and I to deal with our aftershocks. 

Silence settles, creeping thick and heavy into my lungs. I expect to feel his eyes on my back, but when I don’t, I turn and find him with a set jaw, gazing anywhere but toward me.

“Okay.” I toy with the hems of my sleeves, making a move to the right. To my surprise, he does follow behind me, though sluggish, unenthused. “Say what you need to.” The foolish half of me hopes that Lea will inquire what I’m talking about, but he is the king of meaningful looks and undertones, so I am unsurprised when I see the set in his jaw and how the knuckles of his gloves seem especially tight. 

“I don’t understand why you always need to poke at him. You got your way, you killed him, why do you always need to make yourself feel like you won by a landslide?” He snaps and I feel as though my insides have been pierced, my face contorts, but I turn away pointedly, hiding my expression from him as I walk faster.

“Because you had to make a point to act like he mattered more to you.” I murmur and Lea literally chokes on an empty little noise--a laugh or a scoff, I do not know. 

“He was fading, Rueki, he was vulnerable, the least I could do was let him know he had a friend waiting on the other side!” He snaps at me.

“Well what about me?” I ask.

“Are you fucking kidding?” He shakes his head, running a massive hand through his hair. “Are you that fucking selfish? You’re wearing my ring, I love you, I want you most, I let you kill my friend, I’m starting my life over with you, I made amends with Kairi for you, I--”

“Do you think she’s coming back?” I whisper and abruptly, Lea stops, shoulders going rigid. Molecule by molecule, I watch as realization sinks into him and he turns around, cupping my face in his hands, bent over, forehead pressed to mine.

“Oh, Rueks, yes. Shit.” And just like that, he scoops me into his arms, smooshing my cheek to his chest. I cling to his coat, chomping on the inside of my cheek, unsatisfied, even as I draw blood. “Damn, I’m sorry, I didn’t think, I--”

“No, it’s fine.” I shake my head against him. “I just wanted you to tell me it was going to be okay, I’m such a fucking brat. I just hated that he got your comfort and I didn’t.”

“Baby, he was fading.” He reminds me, rubbing soothing circles against the part of my upper back that is covered neither by the dress nor the micro hoodie.

“I know, I know, it doesn’t make sense and I’m a cunt, I’m not even going to fight you on that, but this has been so much, I watched Xigbar throw himself over a ledge, Luxord begged me for another chance and I looked him in the eye and told him no, and then Xemnas took her and I couldn’t handle anymore. I just just wanted to feel good, you’re right, I wanted to feel like I won by a landslide. I wanted revenge and it wasn’t enough, and it’s not fair to him, but I fucking hate him and I feel like shit I just…” My shoulders are shaking, my teeth rattle, words have finally failed me. I have no idea what ‘I just’, but this isn’t it. This is wrong and awful and I think I have shouldered enough responsibilities for this lifetime and the next. I cannot stomach another war. I cannot handle a world without Kairi. Even in Lea’s arms, the weight of all of the decay around us is too much for me to bear. This is my limit, I have reached my own personal breaking point, and I feel everything inside of me splinter and crack beneath this hole my life has become. I cry and he holds me and he kisses me and I apologize profusely, insistently, though I hardly know what for anymore. There is just too much ache that I no longer have the strength for.

We come to a perfect halt for so long, a stifling standstill, that Xion and Roxas reach us before we take another step. 

“Hey, are you--” I hear Roxas begin, and my head jolts up, nearly smacking Lea in the face. I gasp, as though I have been held underwater and am now drawing a first breath. I look up at Lea, who has his neck craned back, still in the motion of ducking away from me, and immediately I start laughing. He does too squeezing me so tight. When finally I get my arms free, I nod, wiping my eyes as I turn to Roxas and Xion, all smeared mascara and fragile eyes.

“I’m good, it’s good.” I say, but Roxas knows better and reaches out to squeeze my hand. “You’re in trouble when this one becomes legal, Lea.” And with my words, Roxas drops my hand and sighs, throwing his head back, casting Xion a mortified look, but she giggles.

“Yeah, yeah, I knew that the second I took one look at Del. Her ex could be your older brother, Roxas.” Lea chuckles.

“You guys are so embarrassing.” Roxas mutters, crossing his arms to his chest.

“We’re aware.” I grin.

“Come on, I thought you had that memorized.” Lea laughs, as I lock an arm around his waist, and I don’t feel magically lighter somehow, but I do feel as though Lea is trying to shoulder some of the impossible weight and that does wonders to my heart.

“Can we talk about something else?” Roxas sighs.

“Like how Rueki used a Keyblade?” Xion asks, with a raised eyebrow. “I can’t read you as well as Roxas and Sora can, but I don’t remember you using a Keyblade before?” 

“I was wondering that too. Who bequeathed you?” Lea asks, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Who bequeathed you?” I counter. He shrugs.

“I dunno, I just assumed Roxas did.” He replies, casting Roxas a pointed look, but the blond shakes his head.

“No, I don’t even know how to do that.” Roxas confesses. Lea looks to Xion who just shakes her head, shaggy hair brushing her face.

“Me either. Sorry.” She says as Lea’s mouth twists into a frown. “See if you can summon one on your own, Rueki.” Xion suggests, and I don’t even know where to begin. Lea has never had an issue summoning Chakrams, but I certainly recall the struggle he had with summoning his Keyblade. I am a novice when it comes to summoning a weapon, even at this point , so I am unsurprised when I visualize Lea’s blade in my hand and am met by only thin air.

“No luck.” I say, so Roxas summons his Keyblade and holds it out to me. I snatch it out of his hand and have it in my own for less than a split second before the blade flat out rejects me and reappears in XIII’s hand. With the flick of Lea’s wrist, his own blade appears in his hand, he extends it to me, and once again his blade seems to find a home in the palm of my hand. Again, I find it quite odd and strangely beautiful how the very weight of this sword seems perfectly tailored for me. I spin the Keyblade around, take an experimental slash with it and purse my lips. “Odd.”

“I’d say it’s a little more than that.” Lea says with a raised eyebrow. I just shrug.

“Not everyone can wield a Keyblade, Rueki, Axel is right.” Xion says.

“No, just everyone we know.” Roxas snarks back and I catch myself grinning. 

“Right. Maybe it’s like how it was with Sora and Riku, Lea didn’t have the strength to use his Keyblade and I did, so it found a backup home in me.” I offer. “Who knows, it takes a strong heart to summon a Keyblade, right? Well maybe the importance of my heart to Lea’s made me the natural next choice for his Keyblade, but no one else’s.” Still, even with my guess, Lea hardly looks satisfied. “Oh come on, stop looking at me like there’s going to be a mystical solution to this.” I roll my eyes.

“A Keyblade is a mystical sword, Rueki.” Lea sighs.

“And I can’t summon one but you can and our hearts are about as connected as they get. We literally know no other married couples, so it’s not like we have anything to work with, beyond an educated guess.” I’m sure he can sense the exasperated tone of my voice, because he ruffles my hair into my face until I swat him away.

“Well, regardless, we have time to figure it out. Maybe one day you’ll even be able to summon your own Keyblade.” Xion suggests, and I actually laugh out loud, obnoxiously, dryly. The look she meets me with immediately has me regretting it though.

“You’re right, kiddo. We’ve got time. And a house in Twilight Town for all of us.” Lea nods. My mouth twists.

“Has our offer been accepted? Has it passed inspection?” I ask, but my protests are ignored as animated chatter ensues. Lea squeezes my hand, Roxas tells Xion all about Hayner, Pence and Olette and how he just knows she’ll love him, we laugh at how stupid Seifer is. There is balance and harmony in the air and with Lea rubbing his thumb across my knuckles, my brain floats blissfully away from my own worries away from the logistics of where my best friend might be kept, because Sora will save her, Sora will always save the--

My vision goes white. I feel weightless. Something thuds against the ground. The entire world is pitch black now, but twelve keys swirl in the sky. Shoulders are shaking and breath is tremulous at best but victory sits, perched upon the horizon.

“Darkness and light’s final clash.” Xehanort’s voice, and everything around me becomes clear. I solidify, no longer a bystander but flesh and bone and blood and utterly not myself. This is not like the time I spent in Xion’s heart, astral projecting, watching, helpless, at a distance, instead, I am as much Sora as I am myself, and with blown out eyes and a jackhammering pulse, I/he/we watch watch Xehanort upon the tip of a cliff, watch the twelve keys swirl around him, watch darkness pour through the Keyblade Graveyard like fire and rain. We watch as a limp body is suspended, midair. Auburn hair hangs upon a pale face, freckles look diluted, the pink is gone from her lips and cheeks.

“Kairi!” I don’t know who screams, me or Sora, but everything in my body writhes, lurching, desperate to do something, anything to bring her down, back to me, back to where she is safe. Because she has to be safe, a world without her is a world comprised only of night, of blackness, of darkness seeping back into my veins and deteriorating me, breaking down everything that has built my fragile heart up. 

“You require motivation.” Xehanort taunts. Kairi’s body hovers forward and me or Sora or someone dives in, blade cranked back, with wild eyes, trying to propel us forward just a little bit faster, just a little and--

Xehanort whips his blade and her lifeless form glows like a gemstone, crystalizes and--

And shatters.

The very world has turned to dust.

Everything splinters, a light within me goes completely black.

I jolt upward, me, Rueki, and my head is screaming, and Roxas and Lea and Xion are in my face but I shove them aside, dart up and sprint. With screaming lungs and shaky legs, I move like lightning, whispering high and frantic to myself.

“No, no, no, no, no. Not her. No, no, no, no, no. Please, no, no, no!” My voice wavers, tears bubbling within my chest, threatening to surge. Wind and decay burn my eyes, my vision dissipates and I don’t know if another blackout is coming or if I am simply not breathing properly, but a pair of arms catch my wrists. Whoever it is is taller than me, but taller than her too, and I try to tear away, because I don’t have time for this, I need to save her, I need to collect her, I can’t lose her, please I can’t--

“Hey, hey, kiddo. Stop that.” My brain does not process that this person should be gone, or that I should feel some type of emotion upon hearing his voice. My thoughts are quite singular, Kairi’s voice, Kairi’s smile, Kairis laugh, Kairi’s eyes, her very light and how blackened the world is without it. I fist the leather of his coat and Xigbar pulls me in, locking me tight into his arms, pressing my cheek to his chest.

I don’t think of how he smells of shrapnel, but rather of how his arms are too tight--constricting, suffocating-- and how I am too far--miles, galaxies, lifetimes-- away from the person I need most to save.

“Let me go!” I thrash, but he holds me tighter, stilling my movements with a steady hand to my lower back. “Get the fuck out of my way, I’ve gotta go get Kairi, I need to--”

“Come on, little Rueki. You already know that’s a lost cause.” 

I become perfectly statuesque, freezing completely beneath his touch. The molecular composition of such dangerous words is too thick to sink into my pores, to do anything but glide over my skin. But despite my protests and my struggle, the man clutching me knows me all too well. With hands that dance up my body and cup my cheeks, he pulls away from me, single golden eye locked onto mine, looking very much unlike himself and so, so very tired. I blanche, momentarily, at how he seems endlessly older and yet so close to my own age. My curious fingers make a move for the dark circle beneath his visible eye.

“She’s dead.” He breathes. My reach ceases completely. The world begins to close in, but feels impossibly big, devouring me in its wake. I’m grasping for Xigbar and any trace of reality to cling to because he has to be wrong, this has to be a nightmare, this has to be some strange sort of dreamscape, the two of us meeting privately. He’s dead, he’s gone, something seems quite off, this has to be a product of fiction, this cannot be my life. This is not true, this isn’t--

I don’t realize that I am holding a breath until I draw one in and feel as though I am drowning, as though salt water fills my lungs and I cannot even attempt to spit it out. My lungs seem to vibrate with the effort. Oxygen breaks me. I take a breath and this is real, I take a breath and seconds pass, one, two, three, more and more tick painfully by, beneath my pulse point, within my veins, without her.

She’s gone. She’s gone. She’s gone, she’s dead, she’s gone, she’s dead, she--

Tears spill, raining down like a meteor shower and I crumple like the very ash I once rose from. But Xigbar, he’s sturdy and presses me closer to him, leaning my body against his as though I am feather light. But I feel so very heavy, I feel as though I am sinking, I feel as though my heart was made for breaking and that’s what went wrong. I inducted her into this mess, she is not exempt from my destruction, this is my fault, this is…

Cognitive thought stops. I am a mess of cracked sobs and staccato breaths. And I will shatter endlessly. I will fall apart, just like this.

“Hey, hey.” Xigbar protests, lowering me to the ground, tucking me in on myself, as though I am merely a doll. I reach out and grab the cowl of his hood and bring him close, because his gunpowder fragrance is the only thing that feels any bit like an escape. Think of the smell, focus on the sulfuric bite and I will be safe. It doesn’t feel so very wrong for me to long to disappear into the danger of all that he is.

“I can’t breathe.” I shake my head, gasping violently, when abruptly, roughly, he snatches my chin, tucking it beneath his index finger.

“You really gonna be that predictable? Come on, I already told you, I need you stronger than this. You’re made for this type of thing.” He insists, but I pinch my eyes shut, trying to pry myself away from him. It is in vain though, because with a mighty sigh, he grabs the sides of my head, right at my ear in his hands, presses his index and middle fingers against my temples and suddenly--

Everything is holy, it glistens, it feels right and pure and safe and my meltdown is paused, as easily as a film. With deep, desperate breaths, I struggle trying to savor this little void, this sanctuary from my emotions.

What was I so upset about?

More importantly, what the hell did he just do to me?

Blinking, almost comically up at him, I incline an eyebrow, feeling the rise and fall of my shoulders with each inhale and exhale.

“You’re alive.” I murmur, words sounding foreign, voice sounding unlike mine. I haven’t even the faintest idea of what Xigbar did to me, but I do not feel like me, in fact, I feel quite detached. And this helps me thoughts center. “You’re not supposed to be.”

“And you weren’t supposed to find me. But hey, here we are. You and I. Made to return to each other.” He chuckles, and I think, once again, how he seems much unlike himself, so at ease but so very spent.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, what did you do to me?” I demand. He grins, softly, not quite like the wolf I am very used to.

“Fixed you. Kind of. It’s just a short term release, low power as it gets, but if we’re gonna do this, you might as well not be a hysterical mess. As if I wanna deal with that.” He cocks his head to the side.

“I don’t know what you think you’re going to do, but my suggestion would be to get the fuck out of here before my patience runs out, I’m in an exceedingly foul mood and--”

“Whatever, you don’t even know what you’re upset about.” He shrugs me off. “Come on, you always take the bait, so bite, little Rueki.” He urges. “After all, I’ve waited long enough for this.”

“I can assure you, I’m not interested in playing some dumb fucking guessing game. Leave.” I bite. He makes a move for my face, but my shaking hands slap his away. “Get out, I need to--” But I cannot remember, and think this feels very much like the fog left on my brain in Xion’s absence, but far less dense.

“Exactly.” Xigbar shrugs. “Not that it makes this any better. I mean, you really were just made to repel all of this. Which is what it is, nothing I can’t work around, I mean, there’s nothing I haven’t seen. But...the fact of the matter is I just keep getting you at the worst possible time.”

“You’re not getting anything out of me.” I say flatly, thinking once more of how he was the one campaigning for me to become a seeker. 

“Nope.” He agrees. “This time, I’ve got a gift.” He taps my temple, but I smack him away again. I have to get back to Lea, to Roxas and Xion, there’s something I need to do, but it slips away just as it brushes my fingertips. 

“I don’t want anything you have to give.” I shake my head.

“Not even your memories?” His voice, I can tell he’s trying to tease me, but there is just no effort in it. He is spent, down past his bones, into the essence of all that he is. Whatever there was that animated Xigbar has utterly ceased, and I think, fuck, me too.

“I have those, other than what you just repressed.” I insist. He snorts.

“That’s the thing with being a cynic though, right? You think you always know everything, just because your eyes are open. You don’t even have a clue what’s missing.” He says.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, but I’m not fucking playing, Xigbar. Stop talking in riddles like you’ve designed some little game just for me. I’m no one’s anything, I’m not a Keybearer, I’m not--”

“Damn, you think you can stop talking for fifteen seconds?” He sighs. I chomp the inside of my cheek. After a moment of silence on my part, he seems to decide it is appropriate to speak again. “I can’t even begin to tell you how long I’ve waited for this. Not that you’d believe me in the first place.” His fingertips ghost over my cheekbone, and I swat him off, but this time, he catches my wrist in his hand and freezes. I go to snatch my hand back, only to realize his single eye is glued to the ring upon my finger. “Fuck.” His voice is barely above a whisper, I don’t think it was made for me to hear, and instead of making a snarky retort, I feel something in my gut twist. “The damn timing. I waited so long for all of...But he’ll have a plan. All of this...it’s gotta make sense somehow.” I don’t know which he, Xigbar is referring to, but simultaneously, there is blind faith and a crisis of trust. Something inside of me yearns to reach out for him, but these affections, I’m sure are misplaced, and the overflow of emotions I’m not being allowed to feel. Speaking entirely in riddles, I cannot begin to make sense of what he is getting at. Nor do I want to.

“Xehanort?” I incline an eyebrow, inquiring only about the he that he speaks of, but Xigbar snorts, rolling his visible eye.

“Not him.” And just as quickly as he bared himself, he stands, stretching tall, popping his joints, replacing his mask with the cocky, sarcastic facade I have come to expect. Still, I cannot shake the temporary vulnerability in his face or the softness in his eye. “Well, no use crying.” He says, and with the whirl of his hand, summons a single arrowgun. I flinch, but instead of having time to react, he shoves the weapon into my hand, curling his fingers--which seem massive, comparatively--around mine. Eye flicked up to the sky, he mutters something so quiet, even at this closeness, I cannot hear until the very end, as his voice raises. “...so long as you champion the ones you love.” 

With the whirl of his other hand, the arrowgun disappears from our twined hands before even I know what to do, and Xigbar just sits, on the ground, opposite me.

“What the fuck?” I incline an eyebrow.

“Making you a hero, just like in those fairytales you used to live for.” He replies, as vague as I could possibly expect.

“I’m not anything out of a fairytale now, and I wasn’t then.” I reply, flatly, as the spell he has on me seems to grow thinner. There’s someone I need to save, someone I love.

“But fuck if you didn’t think you were. See, the thing is, sometimes it doesn’t take destiny, little Rueki. Not that it isn’t important but...sometimes it takes the dirt under your fingernails and the scars on your body and the hardness in your eyes. I took one look at you and thought damn, this poor little girl is made for war. Every ounce of her is gonna fight back against everything that brushes past her. She’s got grit in her bones and vengeance in her veins and if she can just make it a little longer, she can become a force of nature.”

Silence falls between us, thick and heavy. My throat goes dry as all of the pieces line up. No, please no. If he… it would change everything about me, every bit of sympathy.

“You were the one who sent me to Transmute City.” The smile that he meets me with is all the confirmation I need. Tears spill from my eyes angry and shocked, and betrayed and thankful. “But why? How the hell could you know I was going to matter? I’m not important, I’m not a Keybearer, I’m a bratty girl with a bad attitude and magic!” 

“Now that one, I’m not gonna answer. Can’t spill all my secrets just yet, kiddo.” Xigbar teases.

“But why? Why would you even...what did you?” And it dawns on me, the conversation I heard between Saix, Xemnas and Xigbar. “I was supposed to be a vessel. You were setting me aside, how could you have known what would happen to the world, to me…” 

Everything in me drops.

Because of Xigbar, I spent a decade thinking I was cold and impossible and unlovable. Because of Xigbar, Lea became a hitman, became a liar, lost all sight of right and wrong, to the point where he was scarcely human.

And Isa.

I think of the mild mannered boy. I think of the polite child who urged his friend to have manners. I think of the man who begged to know why Axel had chosen me above him, I think of the child who screamed in desperation as he watched his best friend play hero to a girl he chose over him, over their other friend. I think of how things would have been different, had the three of us woken up in The World That Never Was together, if I had been given the opportunity to confront him, to ask him why he was treating me so differently and he had the opportunity to express his hurt to Lea and I. I think of how the three of us might’ve learned to heal around each other and how our interception of Roxas would’ve been as a family, and not out of desperation on mine and Axel’s behalf. 

The scars on my body ache and I weep for a happy ending that has been torn from us by the man sitting in front of me.

“Do you have any idea what you did...how bad your actions hurt everyone?” I snap.

“I kept you safe from Xehanort. As if you wouldn’t have fallen to him. You should be thanking me kiddo.” Xigbar insists.

“Lea and I could’ve...And Ienzo...Isa…”

“Oh come on, don’t pretend you don’t still have that nasty little grudge festering inside of you. Forgiveness is hardly your agenda, with the exception of Axel. And I mean, that’s an exception in and of itself.” But I cannot see nearly clear enough to even begin to make sense of his words. I don’t forgive Isa, I cannot forget the pain he has caused or how thoroughly he has tried to hurt Lea and I, or me in order to affect Lea. But I can...I can wish things had been different. I can have sympathy for the soft, polite boy who deserved better.

“I hate you.” I whisper. 

“Maybe you should just say thank you and call it water under the bridge. There is such a thing as being too stubborn, Rueki.” Xigbar says, pushing himself up off of the ground.

“Get out of my face before I kill you.” I warn, arms beginning to shake. 

“And here I thought we were passed this.” He shakes his head as I stand, pushing myself to my feet.

“How the fuck did you think we would be passed any of this? You selfish, fucking--” Not for the frst time, Xigbar grabs my face in his hands and a white light floods my vision.

I see, not from my perspective, but his, a little girl sitting upon the brick pavement, drawing indistinct shapes with chalk. I see her toothless smile, I see her spiky cowlick. I hear the loneliness in her voice and feel the longing from within him. I watch as he reaches a hand out and she hits the ground, glowing with protective white light.

I don’t realize that I too have hit the ground, until I wake to Lea shaking me.

Thoughts of Kairi have returned, the ache is back with a familiar scream.

Xigbar, unsurprisingly is gone without a trace.

“Hey, you alright?” Lea asks me, as he helps me to my feet, lips on my hair. And I want to scream that no, I’m not alright, and that everything is falling apart. I want to blame Xigbar for everything and sell out his strange powers. But Xion and Roxas both seem to know of the loss of Kairi. Xion opens a portal, Lea begins to lead me through it, and the words that should be bursting from me die within, are snuffed out altogether. Because there is nothing more important than finding Sora and finding a way to save Kairi. Nothing at all.

Especially not Xigbar and his unimportant ramblings.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Not sure if you noticed this, but the one year anniversary of "Let It Burn" is coming up in a couple weeks here! I know KH is a difficult Fandom, I know it's hard to maintain excitement when we never know if /when we're getting a game update and I know it's easy for enthusiasm to taper.
> 
> So if you're still here, still following Rueki's story I want to thank you, whether you've been with me from day one or are just now reading the story, and I wanna do something nice for you guys for the anniversary. 
> 
> So let's just say I'm trying really hard to pump out something special ;)

XXXVIII.

We arrive at the apex and I can barely stand. With wobbly legs, Lea supports me, kisses my hair and I talk in riddles, utter gibberish, able to mutter very little more than ‘she’s gone’ and beg ‘no, please’. But he understands and tries, in every way he knows, to warm me; but I am utterly glacial, looking with wild and hopeful eyes, to where Sora stands, to where darkness rains down.

Ocean blue eyes meet mine and I sputter out of Lea’s arms, crashing into Sora’s. I don’t know which of us clings more desperately to the other, but there I am, fingernails digging at the fabric of his coat.

“I tried.” He whispers. “I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want her to go in my place, it should be me.” And I want to tell him that he is wrong and that this isn’t his fault, because that is true, and I can hurt him no more than he already aches, but words fail me, as does cognitive thought, so I just shake my head into his chest and rub soothing circles onto his back.

“It’s okay.” Riku sounds off, next to us, voice sounding at the very urge of shattering and as I pull away, I can nearly sense the panic attack brewing from him, though he doesn’t cling to touch for comfort the way Sora and I do. Instead, with a fragile gaze, he picks at his palms, fingernails biting into flesh and I get it. I get it in a way I think only him, me and Sora possibly can. I reach out and squeeze his wrist, feeling very much not strong enough for my own actions. But Riku looks positively broken and me--I’m a mess. I’m a mess and feel that I’m hanging halfway out of my body, disoriented, to the point where it would not seem strange to look myself in the eyes. But if I did, surely I would be sickened by the sight. What I’ve become, what a man has dubbed me worth and the cost of this pedestal he has put me on. I have lost the clarity, the perspective and without the person who might grant me it, how can I possibly be expected not to wonder how I can possibly be worth Isa and Lea’s childhood, Ienzo’s upbringing, Kairi’s own life? No, my mind is a wicked place to be right now, but perhaps if I can mend Riku in the slightest, I can redeem something, become worth something until she’s at my side again, soothing thoughts like this away with her healing lustre.

My own codependency should be humiliating but my heart shatters louder than any shameful thoughts can sound off.

“It’s going to be.” Sora assures us. Behind me, Lea squeezes my arm and I whip around, twisting my arms around his neck, bunching his coat into my fists. Lea, my Lea, I want so much for him sear away the ache, leaving no trace of indigo eyes and bright smiles in my mind. But even his warmth cannot revive what has been lost.

“He did it. He opened Kingdom Hearts.” I hear Aqua’s voice beside my and I snort, with every bit the derogatory intention.

“He killed Kairi.” The fate of the world feels nonexistent to me, but I do feel the tremors of my words reverberate as I seperate from Lea.

“I don’t know what to do now.” Ventus whispers as darkness spills from the sky, helpless, eyes huge as he looks upward. Beside he and Aqua is a brunette man, Terra, his memories tell me, and an unfair shrieking sounds off from inside of me. What right has he to return, when I have lost someone I hold so dear? What makes their suffering more worthy of reward than mine, and if it’s not, what does anything even matter? Without any bit of equivalence, with only random happenstance, what’s the point in anything? I want to throw everything I hold to the ground and scream.

“We’ve still got one hope.” Mickey insists.

“What hope?” Sora murmurs and I reach out to squeeze his hand. He meets me right in the middle with a grip like a vice, and I recall very distinctly, Kairi’s words about how Sora copes with grief. If she thinks he cried over me…

I could be sick, I very well could. But this can’t be happening and I--

I can’t feel any of it. I won’t, I shove it down with full force because there needs to be some sort of use left in me, some sort of something until she comes back, until she can talk me down. Whatever I become in the meantime is inconsequential. 

“It’s Master Xehanort, what he said during the Mark of Mastery exam, isn’t it?” Riku asks, in a vacant voice, and for the first time, behind the master, I see the boy. I never knew him as shallow or broken or too big for his dreams, but Sora does, so I do. I see a child, so afraid of the dark that he pretends not to be. Pretends until the lies have been exhausted and the fiction becomes fact and darkness swallows him whole. Inside this man’s body, I can see a boy on the edge of going under. If he can break, the rest of us don’t have a chance.

“Right, we learned that he can transcend time and space.” Mickey nods. Aqua’s face twists, mouth curling. 

“He’s a portal. We can use that to trap him.” And I don’t get it, I don’t understand the level of calm and collected she can be, especially seeing Riku so close to the edge, but then I remember she got her friend back, her suffering saw an end when mine cannot, and for that she can never even begin to comprehend the level of--

Fuck. No. We can still turn this around, this absolutely cannot to be over. But optimism doesn’t come easily, and just before I fall, Lea catches me, yanking me away from Sora’s hand to fully lock his arms around me, to kiss my head and neck and shoulders, as though this is a heartache and this can be cured if he pushes just enough love into me. 

“It won’t be easy.” Mickey agrees. “Aqua, Riku, I’ll need your help if we’re gonna push Xehanort out of this world.”

Riku squares his shoulders and tilts his jaw upward and still looks like a sad little boy. Mechanically, Aqua takes a step closer to the head of the group. 

“Understood.” Aqua nods.

“But what about Kairi?” Sora’s words voice the wails from within me. I bite down on my lower lip, Lea holds me tighter, squeezes my arms.

“I’ll get it out of him.” I murmur, voice sounding very much unlike my own. Heads turn to me, I set my jaw. “Wherever he’s cast her, whatever he’s done to her, there’s nothing in this realm that isn’t reversible. Things can be put back together with the right tools and I’m the right tool. Whatever he’s done, we’ll find out, we’ll make him tell us how to get her back, and then we’ll do it.” And I know eyes are on me like I’m losing my mind, like the inevitable has happened and that I should accept it and focus on the fate of the worlds but I can’t and I won’t and I would choose her over every world out there. 

“Rueki...I think she’s...I think she’s gone…” Ventus tries, reaching to me, but I shake him off, shake Lea off, shake my head.

“Then someone finds her and I’ll put it the fuck in a replica. You all have Keys, you can all wake the dead, so don’t just stand by and act like you’re nothing and you’re helpless. You’re gods in your own right, so do something, be something, stop acting so powerless!” I snap. My words seem to reverberate, causing shockwaves, and now no one will look at me, save for Sora, whose eyes are steely, who stands while others lay down and take it. Who is, was, and always will be the hero in this story.

“I’ll do it.” He says. “Kingdom Hearts is a much bigger threat, the masters can keep that shut while I handle Xehanort.” 

And around me, I feel the tides change, feel my friends stir, one by one they each become receptive, nodding, and instead of wondering what Sora has that I don’t, I know. Of course I know. And that’s why this has to be him. Because he is the one that will break down their barriers, he is the one that they do not feel a fool to believe in and I get it, because I still believe in him too. We have one shot, between Sora and I. He takes down Xehanort, he finds Kairi, I’ll do the difficult jobs, I’ll do the dirty work, I hardly mind, my hands have been soiled for long enough now. 

He takes down Xehanort, and I will give him every last bit of ignition he needs to do so.

“Okay, Sora.” Mickey concedes, on behalf of the group. The boy takes a step forward, head high, and I notice Donald and Goofy-- who arrived not much before I did, according to Sora’s memories-- move right in time with him, mirrors of his actions.

“You can’t forget about us.” Donald insists, reaching out to Sora. 

“Without Keyblades it’s not like we’re much help here.” Goofy reminds, and I think, that’s it. That’s exactly it. 

“Sora.” I begin and he turns back to me, eyes heavy.

“Are you coming with, partner?” He asks, trying for a smile that I don’t have it in me to feign. Not now, not this time.

“You remember what I did in your dreams? When you got knocked out cold in The World That Never Was?” I ask. He freezes, momentarily, trying to piece together memories from what seem like lifetimes ago. “You think you can open your heart up like that again?”

“Are you...offering me…” He tries.

“Xehanort doesn’t need another target to hit.” I say. “And I’m no good here.”

“Rueki…” He murmurs.

“What are you going to do?” Lea looks at me, face contorting in dismay.

“Nothing I haven’t before.” I say, flatly. I think of Naminé giving me this power and although it was to understand the dangers in keeping Xion alive, the least I can do now, when I have stretched and swelled the empathy link well past its boundaries, is make her efforts worth something. She urged Kairi, in limbo, to stay alive, no matter the cost, and I intend to follow her orders, even when no one else seems to be quite capable. 

“Fucking hell Rueki, stop blocking everyone out and just give me a clear idea if you’re going to try to die or not again!” Lea snaps. I turn, crooked and volatile.

“I’m still wearing my ring, aren’t I?” I ask, in response, and then turn back to Sora. “Ready?” I ask.

“You don’t need to.” Sora says, but I do, and I am of no use here, this is the least, the very least I can do.

“Just remember to wake me when you’re done, okay?” I ask.

“Of course!” Sora assures me, and just like that, I take a step forward, placing my hands on either side of his head. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and when I open them again, it is as though I am seeing in new colors, centering everything inside of me into one tiny focal point: Sora’s heart.

“Make it count.” I whisper, nodding my head, pressing my thumbs into his temples. Sora nods too, breath seeming to be stuck in his throat as he looks over me. He clutches my elbows and nods a little more vigorously. “Make him hurt.”

“Rueki…” He starts, I shake my head. 

“No.” I say, because I’m sick of protest and I’m sick of what is right, and I’m so over pretending that I am above the darkest indulgences of my life. My heart is jet black, and it is better that I seek comfort in it now, when it is all that I have. Me, the reason Isa was tainted, the domino, the butterfly whose death caused such a dark chain of events. My thoughts of myself have become twisted in ways that I cannot straighten out, my self image has suddenly grown talons and teeth. “No mercy.”

“I know.” Sora says. “I was gonna tell you, whatever it takes, we’ll get her back.” There is a sort of hardness in his eyes that I’ve never seen before, a light that has been shut off inside of him-- and inside of me. For perhaps the very first time, the empathy link is completely blurred, smearing the edges of where I end and Sora begins. I don’t know whose heart cries louder, because I don’t know which heart is which. And like this, perfectly primed, completely blended, Sora’s heart opens up wide, and I shove. Everything I am becomes a singular ball of energy, a sphere that pools, winds too tight and spills over. It runs over, over, it becomes too much to handle, but I press it further and further and--

I feel the colors drain from me and fill Sora, my knees buckle, and I crumple, crashing into the ground. My head smacks into the rocks, and I find that Xigbar, while intercepting me in my dreams, was quite right. The edges of sleep and death do blur.

They bleed and seep into one another, smearing the edges of my mind and Sora’s until all I see are his memories, all I feel are his feelings. I watch as he chases creatures in goat like armor around a gorgeous, oceanic world.

I don’t live it, but I feel it. Every taxing ounce of the battle seems to beat into all that I am, pounding my subconscious, my essence, my very body. I would be unsurprised if I woke up with new and strange scars, and although I am not physically fighting, when Sora crumples, I feel myself do the same. When a spark wakes him, it washes over me and I wake, with a jolt, to find that our efforts aren’t in vain, that Kingdom Hearts, however massive, is slowly but surely closing. 

“Rueki.” Aqua nudges at my shoulder. I pinch my eyes shut and turn away, muscles feeling more spent than before as I push myself up, leaning my weight back into my trembling own arms.

“He did it.” I grunt. “Sora’s got Xehanort on his knees.” And these should be blissful words, the cry of sweet victory. The moon begins to shrink, Sora stands tall, but this feels a lot more like a beginning than an end should. An endless cycle.

“We’re not done yet though. We need to get to Sora, get him to safety before Kingdom Hearts closes altogether.” She says, hoisting me up, and this is when Riku promptly rushes us, taking my hands into his until I stand tall, him baring more of my weight than me. 

“Is she okay? Did defeating Xehanort bring her back?”

It’s odd, waking up after a fainting spell, even an intentional one. I imagine it’s very similar to the feeling of being swarmed upon waking up too early. I’m still disoriented, I still feel sluggish, I struggle to piece together reality, and Riku’s words send me crashing down into the ugly truth. My stomach feels as though it might fall out of me. This isn’t just about Sora and Kingdom Hearts and that is why closure is so absent. She is still gone, there is no light nor victory without Kairi. 

I turn away from him and that is all the response he needs.

“Come on, it’s not like that means it’s hopeless!” From behind me, I hear Xion’s voice and flinch because that isn’t her voice and the face she’s wearing isn’t hers and I--

I stave off the thoughts that growl from within me, because Roxas and Sora and Ventus and Xion can hear me, as long as they are all still listening, and that is not a conversation that I seek to endure. Especially because Xion is dead wrong. I can feel it, curling in my gut, twisting within me. The ache, the absence, the very unjustice of the fact that Xehanort still stands--however shakily--and she is gone. Everything in my life anymore seems to boil down to last chances and final shots, but this above all. If an answer needs to be beaten out of what remains of Xehanort, I have no qualms in this. If there is anything, any way, any chance, then I will do this. It doesn’t matter the cost, at this point I genuinely couldn’t bring myself to care less about how the others look at me, about how I look at me. It’s Kairi or nothing.

Riku looks at me, cyan eyes pleading, face begging, and I think any guise he had of strength has utterly fallen away. I realize that he is about as held together as I am, and that his composure should be nothing that I strive for. His walls are paper thin too and while he might not slink away into the dark of what he knows, the way I surely will, he will die treading water, all the same. 

“Regardless, Sora needs us now.” Ventus presses, and he’s right. The time for hesitation is long since over. I watch as each Keyberer holds their Key up, into the closing portal that is the moon, and for a moment, I wonder if anyone is even mildly concerned about the fact that I will be left behind, but truth be told, my own concern for myself is slipping away, and by time Lea snatches me by the waist and pulls me in, I feel quite disassociated. 

“I’m sorry, I know a lot’s going on with Kairi, I know how worried you are about her, but you’ve gotta stop reaching for this self sacrificing shit just a much as I do, alright?” He squeezes my side in a way that I know he means well by, a way that speaks nothing but reassurance, still there is a definitive wall between the two of us, one that no matter how hard we hit, we cannot break through. I see him and I feel absolutely no connection. 

But with a set jaw and an intentionally blank mind, I vow not to say another word. I don’t need senseless arguments, and I know screaming will offer the release I long for. 

Scala ad Caelum is a paradise, a heaven floating on water. It is beautiful beyond compare, pure somehow, despite the raining darkness and mass destruction.

I want to burn every square inch of it to the ground. 

We appear in a room not utterly unlike the Station of Awakening, although this stained glass is white and gold and instead of being utterly blank elsewhere, the room seems to overlook the crumbling mass of the darkened world. 

“You made it!” Donald cheers upon our arrive, as each of us hover down from the sky.

“Are you okay?” Mickey balks, and when Sora, Donald and Goofy nod affirmatively, he seems to treat this as a win. But my eyes find the huddled wretch of an old man and I wonder how hard I will need to push to break what is left of him.

“Kingdom Hearts is closing on the other side, but we managed to follow our hearts to you.” Riku says, eyes hesitant as he looks at Sora. This poor, poor paper man is at the edge of turning to dust.

“Where is she, you old fuck?” I snap, teeth dragging over my lips as I tear myself away from Lea and take a predatory step toward the old man, shoulders curled like a feral animal, longing to spring.

But I am not the only one keen on his demise.

I know nothing of Terra beyond what Ventus’ memories tell me, but I know for certain his revenge should be nothing shy of terrifying. Over a decade possessed by this man, acting as the guardian to his Heartless. Terra is a brute force of nature, an absolute landside, and I think he, above anyone will tear the old man, limb from limb, while I press in interrogation.

“Master Xehanort.” Terra breathes, voice dripping with unspoken blame. 

I watch Aqua reach out for him, trying to give him pause, but the man can hardly be moved. Instead, he turns, offers her a knowing smile, and waits until her hand falls away. It does, and between the two of us, Terra and I, utter strangers to one another, easily corner the man who started this. But instead of the violence, instead of the revenge that will satiate me, there is nothing save for squared shoulders and searing eye contact. Xehanort shoves himself a little further onto his feet, so I stomp forward.

“There’s more to light than meets they eye. As I told you.” Terra finally says, grin like a fox plastered on his angled face, and I tilt my head, hoping this means something, wondering if in any way his words are symbolic for the holy destruction he plans to unleash. 

But there is no chaos, there is no dismay. Intead, Xehanort’s mouth upturns and his golden eyes brighten.

“You sly fox.” He breathes. And Terra glows, straight up glows golden, until the body of an older man emerges from his, standing tall and proud. Ventus’ heart seems to scream from within mine, reaching out to his old master. Eraqus.

I really should be surprised by nothing, and to be frank, I really am. Or perhaps it is simply that I don’t care.

Aqua gasps, Ventus lurches forward, but this man is no one and means nothing to me. 

“Now hand over the X-Blade, Xehanort.” Terra and Eraqus say, in tandem.

“It’s too late!” Xehanort snaps, face growing cold and almost reptilian, once more.

“For us perhaps, but not for them.” Eraqus insists, turning toward the lot of us.

“No, I can do this!” Xehanort roars defiantly, holding up his X-Blade, and with that, I flick my wrists and call upon La Luxure. 

But Xehanort’s blade begins to shake, and Eraqus has no qualms in helping him lower it, a hand on the other man’s shoulder. 

“Enough.” Eraqus insists. “Checkmate.”

And these words seem to trigger something within Xehanort, restore something. He lowers the blade, brushes right past Terra and I, and finds his way to Sora, before extending the blade. “Very well done.” Xehanort says. 

With only a bit of hesitation, Sora reaches for the X-Blade, and this is good and well, but what is a sword going to do?

“How is this going to bring her back?” I whisper. Lea steps toward me, takes my hand.

“Rueki...” He tries, but I shake him off.”

“No! This doesn’t fucking work like that, she comes back. That’s all that matters. Is this fucking blade going to bring her back or what?” I scream, voice shattering, breaking through the tender moment Aqua, Ventus and Terra are now having with Eraqus, chest to chest with their former teacher. Like this is sad, like this is loss, like this is pain. 

Xehanort stumbles forward, hardly able to stand now, but Eraqus, upon my interruption, disappears from his students and back to the bald man’s side. He helps him to his feet, wraps an arm around him, and there’s something in the way he glows that makes me think there was something that lit both of their hearts wonderfully once.

But words that Xehanort spoke only moments ago are truer than ever.

It’s too late.

“Here.” Eraqus smiles. “Ready, my friend?” 

“Yes.” Xehanort smiles back, like all is good and well and pure. Everyone smiles like this is happily ever after, that this is the best future we could’ve sought out, that this is the epilogue and all is meant to end this way.

“No.” My voice comes out, though the tone sounds as though it is coming from a stranger. In fact, I don’t realize that the words have left my lips until I feel eyes fall on me. But I do not waver. Instead, with bone tight knuckles, gripping La Luxure, I take a step forward, placing myself ahead of the group, ahead of Sora. 

“Rueks--” Lea’s voice starts from behind me, and he makes a move for my wrist, but I jolt my arm away, tilting my chin upward. The old man looks at me, bent over, eyes softer than I have ever seen. In this state, he looks far more human than any of his seekers.

“Do you really think that’s what this is? You get to hand over a sword to a child and atone for everything that you’ve done wrong?” I ask, narrowed eyes, cocking my head--a hanged man.

“There is no apology I could offer. What I did was necessary. The future has been left to--”

“I could hardly give a quarter of a fuck about the future.” My words, but once again, the voice doesn’t sound like mine, there is a singsong quality about it, an almost hollow amusement that feels quite impish considering something feels as though it is devouring my insides. “I just want Kairi back.” 

A sort of eerie stillness settles into the silence that follows. From within the empathy link, I sense deep, incomparable pain, and I shove it aside, because I cannot even stomach my own emotions right now, let alone Sora’s. 

The spectre of Eraqus steals his former comrade a glance, but Xehanort looks into the crowd behind me, and this sets my blood to boil.

“Stop looking at them, I will make your judgement.” I say in a voice that could cause frostbite. Golden eyes snap up to mine, my mouth becomes a tight, red line.

“The girl was collateral damage, but she fought valiantly. A fitting end for a hero.” Xehanort insists and I snort, loudly, obnoxiously, with utter mirth.

“Wrong answer.” I say, flatly. “Bring her back.”

“Such power is out of even my control.” Xehanort shakes his head. “Death is a realm none can safely traverse.

“Figure it out. Bring her back.” I say, this time, with pressure, with more demand. I raise the flat of La Luxure, drawing the blade across the thin skin of the man’s neck, tilting his head back. Eraqus makes a move to stop me, but I jut my other Knuckle forward, halting him. “Come, you wanted to reset the world. Reset it right. You’ve brought enough darkness, bring back her light. Tilt the scales.” 

“The fate of a human being is not so simple as a transmutation, alchemist. Grieve, remember her, but there is no returning the girl without fatal consequences.” Xehanort insists. I snort, pressing my blade forward, and he buckles back. But I follow, step for step, ignoring the calls of my name, ignoring the screaming within Sora, Roxas, Ventus and Xion. 

“Sounds like a pretty good shot at atonement, hmm?” I incline an eyebrow. “One more chance. Bring her back. Now.” I say, unwavering, unflinching, not even blinking as I stare down the man responsible for every single blemish upon my life.

He draws in a shaky breath, looking to me with wild eyes.

“It is not possible!” He insists. I make a soft ‘hmm’ing noise before withdrawing my blade. My fists fall to my side, with the twist of my shoulders, I turn away. Then and only then, does the Master draw a breath. I turn, to where Lea stands, holding his breath, where Aqua looks upon me with horrified eyes, where Sora seems at the verge of falling apart. I look, hold my hand out, and my heart screams.

My eyes find a focal point, a glyph in the moulding of the room and think this is really it. This is the end of equivalence of science, of anything genuine mattering. Good deeds do not warrant reward, there is nothing left, worth anything in this world or any other. And there is nothing that will change the way I will look upon myself. My hands tighten around La Luxure and I whirl back around, unsatisfied even as my blades sink through the old man, my hands drenched in his blood.

He twitches, spasms, rattles and gasps, trying to push off of the blades, but he was already at the edge, already on the verge of fading. And I think of how unfair it is, that he and each and every one of his seekers have looked upon me as a spare, as a non threat, as an afterthought because I am not a Keybearer. I think of how much I want him to suffer, how I wish I would have made that my personal mission, how content I would be to cast my body aside, return to the past and murder him, becoming a force of nature before he is young enough to crawl. He chokes, a wet gurgling noise fills the air. Eraqus reaches forward toward his old friend, who tries, aimlessly for words and struggles miserably. 

There is an intimacy in feeling his life drain, and instead of disturbing me, it brings me a demented joy. I happen, I am not happened to, and I am so much more wicked than he. In fact, I am the volatile monster he made me. I lean in, hair spilling over my shoulders, brushing his face.

“I hope you burn.” I whisper before tearing the blades out, watching Xehanort sink and stumble to the ground, cold and lifeless.

Without even a second glance, I turn around, walk back to Lea and flick my writs, banishing my stained blades. And there is no love left in his eyes as he looks at me with held breath and pinprick pupils. But this doesn’t upset me in the slightest, his lack of affections match my own and do not bother me.

Nothing does.

“Let’s go home.” I say.

The lights are out. No one is home.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends, so if you haven't noticed I do update tags as the story goes so not too spoil things BUT if you didn't notice, I wanted to warn you there is a HARD trigger warning for depression and dissociative identity disorder in these next three chapters so like, brace yourself. There is also a very soft warming for self harm in the next chapter, like super soft.
> 
> But hey, if you gave any issues, if it is too triggering to keep reading, ask for a synopsis in the comments, I will totally give you guys one!

XXXIX.

The house is warm, stifling. I pull the sheet further over my head and count the rain drops as they cling to the window, count the breaths as they pass through my lips.

“Rueks.” I feel Lea’s weight shift in the bed, I feel the air shift as he makes a move to reach out. With gritted teeth and unblinking eyes, I hold perfectly still, playing possum, playing dead. 

I see indigo eyes and crinkly smiles and freckled cheeks and auburn hair in my mind, but feel as though the entire realm had gone grey. Color is replaced by bleakness but I suppose that is fine, vibrancy wouldn't feel right. I like the rain and am content to linger here, in the midst of a storm.

“Rueki.” Lea says my name and I think very much of how it sounds like I am under water. 

Lea grabs my shoulder, tilting me toward him and I offer a very poised smile, feeling every muscle in my face as it curls upward. His hand on my bare skin is too much, scorching me and as politely as possible, I shrug him off. I can't do this heat, not when I can feel an icy, saccharine numbness sinking into my bones, settling into my core as though it is the most natural thing of all. 

“Morning.” The voice that comes out doesn't belong to me but this does not disturb me. Whatever thing has risen within me is better suited to go through the motions than I. The voice is honey, and Lea rolls in it, eyes softening ever so gently, as though he is holding his breath.

He has woken up beside me like this, every day for the past four months. Every single day, as though he thinks he understands the precipice I linger upon and how far I might fall from it. But in this sleepy, watercolor world where time bleeds, day into night, day into night, rather than aching and throbbing with every tick of my pulse, he is capable of understanding nothing, and it is plain to see on his beautiful, relieved face. He brushes hair away from my face, I draw in a long breath, willing myself not to flinch, not to budge.

“I called your name.” He reminds me, and the creature inside takes control, once more, while I detachedly watch the words leave my mouth, sense the pleasant, neutral expression I don, but never feel. The passenger’s seat is infinitely less effort than being the pilot of my own soul. Truly, I don’t mind.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you. The rain is loud.” And it is, it hammers upon the perfect roof of our perfect house and I think the only thing more appealing than listening to the noise and allowing it to drown whatever remains of my constantly derailed train of thought, would be to watch the puddles gather rain.

I could climb out onto the ledge of the window, sit on the roof. If I am patient, if I wait, everyone else will begin their morning routine and I will be left to my own devices, exactly the way I intend. And I am patient, it is impossible not to be, in this loop where time passes, though I never feel it.

Wake up and it’s one minute, wake up and I’m in the past, wake up and I’m in the future. It doesn’t matter, nothing really does.

The world will turn to ash anyway.

“Yeah. Damn shame, it’s a shit day for the beach.” And Lea seems to truly mean that, lost in his own fairy tale ending, he thinks nothing beyond his happily ever after. So I nod, as though all is magical, as though the princess had been saved.

It’s a shit day for the beach and a shit day for the clock tower and a shit day for anything that I have been avoiding, with forced kindness and feigned excuses. Amaya needs me to work late, my stomach hurts, I’m tired, early start in the morning, I’m going wedding dress shopping.

I cannot count how many hours that I have been quite occupied, soaring blankly through the sky, when I am supposed to be tending to something else. No one needs to know, and my secret is something I cherish. It is the only thing left that I cherish.

“Guess we’ll have to stay in bed all day.”

He curls over me, placing a hand beside my head, poised like a cat, and I think he might be beautiful if he didn’t look colorless and plain. If everything didn’t look so colorless and plain.

His lips find my neck and I find the very edges of all that I am, before burying myself in the endless nothing that I have found a new home within.

And I should think myself quite clever, I should think myself cunning and manipulative and sly. Perhaps I should feel distraught at my own lack of reaction, at the lack of anything I offer him, my back pressed to the bed, my eyes fluttered shut. But I don’t think anything. I don’t feel anything.

There is no worry, there is no shame, there is no doubt nor ache. There is just…

Nothing.

\--

The world tests me, but it slips oily off my skin.

Amaya tests me, in her poking and prodding questions, in the way she tucks hair behind my ear, in the way she offers me warm meals and sympathetic smiles, in the way she tries to fill in the gaps aren’t simply gaps any longer. The ravine inside of me is loud and echoing and distantly thoughts whisper that if she gets too close, she will fall eternally and I will be the one responsible, and I think that I am over being responsible for pretty girls with stars in their eyes and the sun in their smile. I never want to look at another overly enthused face, filled with unshakable optimism. 

So I look just over her head, and I lie, I brush her off. I don’t even blink.

“Del’s leaving.” And she says it like she doesn’t know I know, so she must not, but I continue blithely wiping my hands with a rag, as though this means nothing.

“Are you okay.” It comes out sounding a lot more like a statement than a question, in the voice of the girl that is not me, but Amaya is as consumed in her masquerade, in her fairy tale, as Lea is. 

“Oh, Rueki, yes.” She is all delight, chewing at her lips, twining her fingers together, and so I look away, folding the rag neatly before combing my fingers through my hair. One, two, three, one, two, three. Nod, blink, smile. “He’s moving on, and I’m so happy for him, for you and Lea. You’ve had your adventures and now he will have his and--”

And the rest is collateral damage. Paopus and extinguished light and so many--not enough--seconds on the beach.

Amaya talks with excitement and enthusiasm, endlessly, about how she will redecorate the house, about how she wants us all over for Sunday evening dinners, about finding child care for Lucidia. I don’t listen, instead, I count the syllables as they leave her lips, staring at her nose with glazed eyes.

And then--

And then she seizes, shoulders going rigid, her prosthetic hand swiping back through her hair.

“Oh, Rueki...I didn’t mean to...I know you’re going through--”

“Nothing. I’m going through nothing, I’m fine.” The words are well scripted and said with just enough gusto to sound genuine and not overly rehearsed. She chews her lips and reaches her real hand out to me, and I cannot process the emotion, what she must want me to do with it, so I set the rag in her hand. Her face screws up.

“I know how much she meant to you.” She tries, while I count the muscles tightening in my body.

The thing living inside of me handles routine quite well, a perfectly oiled machine, but, robotically, it almost relinquishes control as Amaya throws this wrench into my perfectly stretched control. Almost, but again, my control is stretched just the right amount to cover me completely without wearing me thin. I catch the proverbial wrench and offer a tight lipped smile.

“It’s life. People die.” I say, flatly. Amaya’s eyes get big, and for a second, I wonder if I said the wrong thing, before I realize it doesn’t exactly matter. People die, life moves, it doesn’t matter, nothing really matters. Everything breaks down, eventually. 

“Rueki, you don’t need to be so--”

“I’m not being anything. It genuinely doesn’t matter. People die.” And the words flood from me with ice on my tongue and a hollowness in my eyes that has Amaya clutching the tops of her arms, as though she is recoil in in on herself, as though I have frostbitten her, as though this is some sort of f personal attack on her for still valuing life.

And if that is the case, so be it.

She’s safest from the void when she feels she’s disposable to me.

\--

Del attempts to test me, as he appears in my world, seeming very much like an abscess, a tumor in my carefully practiced repetition, with his blinding smiles and his stupid optism and just so much life.

He drips, bright, saturated in the faded ink portrait of my life, sinking onto the foot of my bed one morning.

Lea had long since risen and I am phenomenal at closing my eyes and being still for long enough to be left properly alone. I'm tired, I'm overworked, I'm catching up on sleep. Lea is patient, Lea waits with love in his eyes, as though all he must do is pour affection into me. He is blind, so is Del, but Del is hardly as patient. Instead, where Lea will give me space under the guise of being a caring fiance, Del is unflinching, plopping onto the bed, where I lay, safely covered from head to toe. He finds my ankle, through the covers and yanks. My face contorts, I’m unwilling to come out, but he doesn’t stop. Instead, he grabs my ankle again and tugs harder.

With careful, calculating movements, I peel the blankets off just enough to meet his eyes.

“I’m catching up on sleep.” I tell him, because ‘I only find solace in the blank spaces of my empty thoughts’ might very well cause concern. And above all, above everything else, I cannot cause concern. Not when every detail, every word, every moment of my life for the past four months has been perfectly planned by the thing that lives inside of me, while I fade into the comfortable nothingness, feeling more hollow than I ever have in my life.

“You’re supposed to be surprised to see me, maybe even excited.” He insists, so I do as I’m told.

“Okay, I’m surprised and excited to see you.” I say in a breezy voice. His features contort momentarily, but then he chuckles.

“Man, you must be out of it.” He says, so I smile and nod along, because as trying as he is, Del will surely be the easiest to lie to.

“Yeah, working long hours.” I remind him, and he nods, because it is true. 

“Well, I’m here visiting.” He says.

“Why?” I ask, tugging the blankets in closer.

“There’s the Rueki I know.” He laughs, and I laugh too, though the sound seems weak to me, but he doesn’t notice, and I’m sure he thinks I’m being ‘blunt’ and ‘tactless’ and everything he expects me to be. But anymore, I don’t think they come more agreeable than me. “Well, I’ve decided to start my adventure tomorrow.” He informs me, sounding more childish and idiotic than I could have thought possible. But I nod, face neutral, rising slowly from bed, watching the blankets as they pool around my abdomen. The oversized night shirt I wear keeps me covered just enough so… just enough so I do not feel exposed. With every ounce of skin covered, I don’t need to be human, but a mass of fabric, and this will suffice, I suppose.

“Right, where are you going?” I ask, because I am supposed to, because that is the thing childhood friends do, because it will keep Del talking long enough, and with enough excitement that he will not notice the way my eyes find imperfections in the walls.

It is baffling, how little people notice outside of their own headspace. Everyone is so concerned with what others might think of them, with their own narcissism, too concerned, I have realized, to notice that no one in this world or any others actually cares about anyone except themselves. Every single human being is so fixated on their own footsteps, on their own clothing, on their own thoughts and dreams, they don’t notice the tiny cracks in the surface. They do not notice small dents or imperfections and this is what makes it so easy to slip by, completely under the radar. Safe and sound.

“Not sure yet, thought we could start with one of my best friend’s showing me the world she lives in.” And I hate those words, paired together, and the creature inside of me has a demonic remark, a cutting response where I tell Del how little he means to me, how unimportant he is, to do anything to shove him away, with as much ferocity as I can. But I cover up this misplaced animosity with a blank smile. 

“I’m barely ever in town. Roxas and Xion are out running around every day. You should have them take you. I’m not a good tour guide.” And the response almost sounds authentic, almost a mirror image of what I know he expects me to be. And as I expect, Del pouts.

“Come on, Rueks. I wanted to hang out with you, it’s been too long.” He urges, and I don’t have it in me to have this argument with him. So I offer a tiny smile and rise from bed, tossing my feet over the side.

“Okay, but go downstairs, I need to get ready first.” I say, not realizing the mistake my politeness has caused, not realizing the blemish that seems blatantly obvious to Del. He blanches, cocking his head to the side and internally, I curse.

“Did you seriously let me call you that?” He asks, in a voice that is very much gentle, a voice that trembles on eggshells and I cannot stop the tightening in my muscles. So, I count in my head, as I breathe, eyes focused on one specific spot on the wall. I can do this, I can do this.

“I’m tired, don’t count that as a victory.” And again, I marvel at how perfectly intact my demeanor is. Well, marvel isn’t the right word. There is no deep surge of pride in me, in fact, everything feels quite dull, peaks of my emotions scraped down with a razor blade, but when Del seems to right himself and wash aside those stray and easily forgotten traces of concern, there is a sense of relief.

People are stupid, I think. Even the ones I love. Stupid and selfish and much more interested in licking their own wounds or achieving their own goals. No one notices the cracks appearing, no one notices what is tattered and hollow and missing.

“Fine, fine.” Del laughs, standing up, stretching so tall that his joints pop. I roll my eyes as I pick up a hair brush off the dresser and start combing through almost silken hair. I count the strokes of the brush, count, filling the numbed void of my brain just enough to wash errand thoughts away. Idle hands, and all.

One, two, three, one, two, three. Nothing is wrong, everything is perfectly in place, the thing inside of me is in perfect control, knows how to handle auto pilot flawlessly, no one will notice, no one will detect--

“What are you doing?” Del asks me. I freeze, mid stroke, eyes meeting his in the mirror.

“Brushing my hair.” I say.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you brush your hair.” His face contorts.

“Sure you have.” Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

A mild sense of panic ebs in, licking at the shores of my mind like waves from the ocean and with this panic, comes more.

He’s going to find out something inside me is very dead, he’s going to find out that I have not shed a single tear, he’s going to find out that I see her face everywhere I go, that I feel her laughter echoing in my mind, that I am spiraling so dizzily, so wildly out of control that every single second I am awake and time is passing, I’m losing so much more of myself, of her, of him, of all of the memories of blue eyed Keyblade wielders with too big of hearts and too bright of smiles. All of it is just out of reach, and my very composed mind begins to feel like scrambled eggs, sinking, spinning but then--

The thing inside of me finds control again. I smile softly, airy, as though the gesture is quite natural as what remains of Rueki fades, once more, into the background.

“Now stop bugging me, I’ll meet you downstairs.”

And Del listens. But Del doesn’t laugh the rest of the day.

\--

Xion tests me in the worst of ways. She tests me with big blue eyes and cotton candy smiles and a voice that makes me want to claw my own ears off, tear my hair out, drown myself. She speaks, and I do not hear her voice, but the voice of someone I love infinitely more. She turns to me, and I don’t see pretty black hair or a fluttery black and white dress, but pretty red hair and a pretty pink dress and I wonder if I will ever be able to truly look this girl in the eyes and not think ‘liar’ or ‘sham’.

Sham, because she is not my home, sham because she shouldn’t get to speak in that voice or laugh with that laugh or smile with that smile. 

Liar, because she looked that boy, that hero in the eyes and swore that our princess would be alright. I cannot scrape the malicious thoughts from my brain. Be a monster, be a beast, she isn’t your friend, the thing inside of me urges. If she hadn’t reappeared, if she had stayed latent inside of Sora’s heart, Kairi would still be here. The mere thought of their names is a stabbing sensation in my throat, but I know which two belong in this world and I know the doll, the puppet does not .

She looks at me from across the table, pushing food around on her plate, chewing on her lips.

“We should all get ice cream tonight. We’ve lived here for months and we still all haven’t watched a sunset together.” She suggests. Beside me, Lea visibly perks up, but I couldn’t be any less enthused if I tried.

“I have to be up early in the morning, but you guys have fun.” The words spill automatically from my lips as I take a bite of dinner, wondering off handedly if Lea is just a mediocre cook or if the part of my brain that finds pleasure in taste has completely shut down, as well. All around me, there is a shift, and I feel eyes that shouldn’t belong to Xion baring into me and wonder just how hard it would be to come back from tearing them out of her.

“You haven’t come even once to the clock tower with us. You're the only one who hasn't.” Roxas reminds me, and I think why would I want to? Why would I want to sit beside something that thrums and ticks and points out the very obvious passage of time since there has been light in my life?

“I’ve been busy, someone’s gotta pay the bills.” I say, smiling softly from beneath my lashes. Roxas shifts, face screwing up.

“Come on, sweetheart, live a little. I’m sure Amaya won’t bite your head off if you’re a little tired tomorrow.” Lea insists, reaching out to touch my hand, and I am certain he notices the way I freeze and tense up. This is getting hard, I think, this is getting impossible. As Rueki fades further and further, the creature inside of me becomes angrier, more detached. And my heart is safe, but I don’t know if anyone around me is. Momentarily, Lea’s eyes meet mine, but I quickly look away, back to my plate and take another bite.

“This is good.” I lie while chewing, because I think it’s something I’m supposed to do, but the words come out and Roxas cocks his head to the side, Xion pouts, Lea reaches a little further for me and I feel as though I am drowning, impossibly smothered. No, this is not what I wanted, this is what I have been trying desperately to avoid. My heart struggles to resurface, tries within an inch of its life to absorb some of this well meant love, but well meant love will shatter me. Love will crush me under its weight. 

I think of freckled shoulders and paopu fruits and silly selfies. 

My stomach knots, I set my fork down, scoop up my plate and leave the table, gliding through the room with focused grace. Count the steps, Rueki, count something.

“Rueks…” Lea tries.

One, two, three.

I turn around, perfectly bright smile plastered to my face. I do not show teeth, I am not a monster, I can retain this balance.

“Have fun, let me take care of the cleaning, we can go together this weekend.” And I think there is no way we can, I think I will need to come down with a cold or get injured or something to avoid the fucking clock tower, but if all I can manage right now is postponing, I will take it.

“It’s not the same without you.” Xion says. “We haven’t really gotten to catch up since--”

Don’t finish that statement, I think. Do not remind me whose place you are trying to take in my heart, in my mind. There is no push back in my head, no voice trying to remind me that this isn’t Xion’s fault. Because it is, fuck, it is. 

“Are you trying to avoid us?” Roxas asks. I nearly take my plate and throw it at him. As I look at the table of the three of them, I realize every bit of my control is on the edge of snapping, shattering, a wire drawn too tight. My hands grip the edges of the plate so tight, the ceramic shatters, crumbling to the floor. My eyes go huge and my entire body becomes perfectly tight, frozen solid. I wonder if I will ever be able to move again.

But I do, and robotically, I retrieve the scattered shards of the plate.

To my utter displeasure, Xion tucks over, helping me with the stray pieces and something wicked roars within me. She doesn’t belong here. Every fiber in my body wants to reject her like the virus she is.

But instead, I just smile softly at her eyebrows--not her eyes, never her eyes-- and nod

“Thanks.” I say.

“Rueki, please, you can open up to us.” She urges, and I decidedly do the opposite, because no I cannot.

“Everything’s good, guys. I’m just so tired from work. This weekend though, I promise.” Lies, lies, all lies.

“You haven’t been the same. I know you’re worried about Sora and Kairi, but they’ll be back soon, I’m sure and--”

But I do not dare let her finish. Instead, I snatch back a piece of the plate from her, not even flinching as the jagged edges pierce the palm of my hand.

“Sora and Kairi are dead.” I say quickly, with finality, but in a voice like honey. I think this scares her most of all, and I think good, as her pupil turn to tiny pinpricks and she nods. With a sickly sweet smile, I rise, discarding the pieces of the plate. “Have fun.”

And with a wave of my hand, I depart, savoring the silence as it follows me.  
\--

Riku is perhaps the only one who doesn’t attempt to test me, but I am undeniably certain, that is because we stand much taller, not leaning on one another.

We are passing skips, phantoms of ourselves and in all of the times we have encountered each other, not a word has been spoken. It is safer like this.

When I arrive upon the Destiny Islands, it is not my intention to see him, it is not my goal, and yet, I know the very act is inevitable, and am unsurprised when I see him sitting in the sand, eyes never straying from the line where sky and sea meet.

“Oh, hi.” Is his sputtered greeting, and I think he is very unlike the Riku I recall or even the Riku from Sora’s memories. Instead, this Riku hangs in the balance, holds his breath, and is, for the first time in his life, truly helpless. 

“Yeah, hey.” Comes out of my mouth, the foreign voice more at home on my tongue than my own words.

“I didn’t expect you.” He confesses, though without any sort of nostalgia or longing.

“Oh, it’s fine.” Because I’m not here for him.

“I was about to get heading out.” He rises from the sand, and I think no he wasn’t, but I get it. It must feel impossible to look at me and witness the collateral damage.

Pretty smiles, auburn hair, knobby knees, bad cooking and the emptiest house I have ever seen. A boy with too high of hopes and too big of eyes.

And me, a liar.

And him, and her. I don’t know which of us is more tightly swirled in our own blasphemy, but I think I might be the only one who matters in that sense. I'm the only one left to deal with the consequences of my words.

I see myself, Knuckles dripping in the blood of a broken, old man who will never be better than the sum of his crimes. I see us all, minus one, standing in a wasteland. I see the king trying to formulate something logical and I see the boy, the one who started everything turn to us with his enduring optimism. I dare not think his name, but I recall how sure he sounded. He would get her back, he would bring her home. 

I recall this all and want to scream, want to rip out handfuls of my hair and cast them into the sand as I remind Riku that this isn’t my fault, that none of this was my choice, that this can’t alwaysalwaysalways be on me! But I press down the internalized shrieking because this isn’t my fault and this isn’t my burden and in the comfort of my ice palace the pain goes perfectly numb. I may have looked Sora in the eye with a blank face and dead eyes and told him that he’d be fine, that he should go find her, that that’s how things get better, but I’m not the only one. Riku looked at him and assured everyone with ears that Sora had his mind made up and that there was no changing it.

So what that I said I’d keep tabs on the link that connects our hearts? 

This isn’t on me and I would soak my hands in the sea to wash them of blame and sin if that’s what it takes.

But Riku’s fingertips tap against his thighs and his eyes find the clouds, but never mine.

“Gotta go to Radiant Garden, see if Ienzo needs anything. Working on the replica for Naminé and all.” Riku says, as though it is just that simple and I play along like it is, like I don’t know he’s searching desperately for blue eyes and pink lipped smiles and perfectly vivid, sugar sweet memories of his friends. I’m unconcerned with the sweetness he longs for.

“Right, of course.” I agree, because he doesn’t need to know what I’m doing here and unlike the others, he will not ask. Instead, he will just titter, searching for something, anything to distract his mind from the emptiness. Good for Naminé if she gets something out of it. But if I never look at her and her cracked empathy link and her too familiar face again, it will be too soon. 

“Another day, though.” Riku says, though he doesn’t promise what he will offer another day and doesn’t even so much as clap me on the shoulder as he passes.

But I just say “sure, okay” and disappear on another path. Through sand, through trees, through star shapes fruits that threaten to turn the thing living inside of me into a beast, with talons and teeth and tattered love. This place couldn’t look more tainted if it tried.

The door is unlocked, I twist the knob and listen to the door creek open. In the island light, I see where dust has gathered, settling into the gaps, into the very void of my heart. It looks so empty inside, the absentee pictures look dark and as I make my way in, I flip each and every one of them face down.

Blankets litter the floor from the last time we were here. Nail polish on the table, paper plates, a bowl of stale popcorn kernels.

And just like that, every square inch of the emptiest house I have ever seen takes me back to the day we met, to the way her laugh sounds, to the way her voice hitches in excitement, to the trash romantic comedies I pretend to like for her and the oven bake pizza.

With tender footsteps, I collapse, melting into the ground on the floor of Kairi’s living room, twisting myself into the blankets the two of us lied in until I am perfectly buried.

The empathy link went black months ago. Any trace of light in my world has been completely extinguished and will never reignite. 

I do not get a happily ever after.

Instead, I grant myself a burial in blankets that no longer smell like her.

I do not think I will ever resurface.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, trigger warning for disassociation and self harm, so read with caution

XL.

I am especially tested a summer evening on my way home from work, exactly six months after the end of the war. Exactly six months, to the day, I know, I’ve counted.

Smoothing my fingers through my hair--once, twice, three times-- I think that it is late enough in the night, perhaps my housemates will have departed for the clock tower, perhaps I will not have to endure very purposeful and very forced conversation, perhaps I can depart under the comfort of the shower and count the drops of water as they fall onto my skin.

But instead of bright smiles or delightfully bleak silence, I am met by low hung heads and a six pack of cheap beer on the kitchen table. But not three heads, four. Xion has a knee to her chest and is nibbling on her lips, cradling a mug of something hot. Roxas is leaning back against the counter tops, distant, displeased, on edge. Momentarily, I don’t understand why, but a step further and it becomes quite obvious. The door latches behind me, Lea’s head snaps up, he nearly drops the beer he holds. Scratch that, he does drop it, but quick reflexes catch it, and a pale hand with scars reminiscent of the branches on trees grasps the beer before returning it to Lea. I follow the hand, slowly, up the very covering tracksuit, to the pale neck with those same feathered scars, to a pale face with a singular ‘x’ scarred upon the forehead. Cyan eyes find mine, and I don’t even respond. I drop my bag at the doorstep, open the door and slam it behind me, not ceasing even as I hear my name being called.

After all, I’m quicker than them. Even him.

Isa.

Lea gets out of hell scott free, Lea gets out of the war with his precious little best friend, Lea’s story ends in smiles and reunions and ice cream and happily ever after. It’snotfair. The words move too quickly through my head as I pull apart all of the slights against me, under a microscope, thinking of how he gets to come out on top, he always gets to come out on top as I fall, debris in the landslide, magma in the eruption. I am an afterthought, a blemish. A spare. I am scarcely a blip on his radar and as I descend, from our house, through town, into the woods, each footstep seems to solidify this knowledge. Each footstep I take is met with a loud, echoing, impossible silence. Here in the woods, I brush trees, leaves, sink into dampened soil and curl in on myself, wondering how it is possible to feel so very small and alone in a world that is supposed to be teaming with my loved ones.

I am not a princess. No one rescues me.

\--

Lea meets me with a hand around my wrist, thumb against my pulse point almost a week after Isa’s arrival. We do not talk about that, nor the nights on end that I spend inside of Kairi’s home, nor the night I broke a plate and snapped at Xion. In fact, it dawns on me that he has scarcely said a word to me since that evening and has certainly not laid a finger on me since then. His unfamiliar touch scalds me, and I snatch my arm away, drawing it close to my chest, with a furtive look. He looks at me, and I feel as though a stranger’s eyes have found mine. He looks at me, and I almost disappear entirely.

This is his fault, my brain screams. His fault. Only one of us can experience joy at any given point in time, and he had to come out ahead of me, he had to claim pleasure and leave me in the dust.

Dust is what seems to settle between us as, sinking into the cracks and spaces that come between us. The house feels quite chilly without him grabbing at me, and I think I rather like this.

“I want Isa to move in with us.” Lea cuts right to the chase, so unlike himself, wasting no time buttering me up. There’s a vibration, a trembling in his thumb against my wrist, a fear radiating off of him that I cannot even begin to place. When everything has settled so picture perfect for him, what does he know of fear? The thing inside of me screams for me to show him, but I shove that down, face crinkled. I grasp in my own mind, reaching for control that seems just ever so slightly out of my reach. I reach again and realize that my own thoughts shouldn’t be a reach. He’s not to blame, that isn’t right. I’m smarter than this, I’m more logical than this but I hate him so much and I-- “He has about as many marketable skills as I do, but he’s got a job, he can help with the bills, he needs a fresh start. He doesn’t have anywhere else to stay.”

I hate Lea so much and here he is, campaigning to bring the person who took every bit of their jealousy out on my body, into my house. The feathering scars I have seen on Isa’s body in passing glances are undoubtedly the effect of my Thunder spell, but this is not revenge I am satisfied with. Another shot at life is a gift he was unworthy of receiving and he is so very lucky that the sun chases the moon, or I would have hunted him down and finally exacted proper, satisfying revenge upon him, the moment he was recompleted, and this time, there would have been no second guessing and no setting him on the back burner.

He gets his redhead and I don’t and it’s not fair. He should hurt on, at the very least, a fraction of the level I do.

But instead, I say “okay.” And smile pleasantly at Lea, placid waters. His face twists, contorts, mangles as though he is in great pain. He takes a step closer to me and I take a step back, smile falling flat. His eyes go wide and his brow puckers together, he makes another move for me, but decides at the last minute to sigh and rub his neck, while looking to the ceiling for answers.

“Sweetheart, I think we need to talk.” 

“We are talking.” I remind him, curling my hands behind my back, fingernails finding the soft flesh of my lower arms before sinking in. I count the seconds of the bite against my skin, count and try to displace, and try so very hard to keep my neutrality in tact. 

“Come on, Rueki, you know what I mean.” He cocks his head to the side, a wounded puppy dog. “I’m scared. You scare me. You’re not acting like you.” He takes another step and I step back.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I just told you that your friend could live here.” I insist, willing the thing inside of me to stay pleasant, to quell my fiance’s worries. But the further my nails sink into my skin, the louder my own thoughts become. This is Lea’s fault, if it weren’t for him, Kairi would still be here, she’d be safe, this demented darkness inside of me would be burnt away by the purest of light, my heart wouldn’t echo loud and hollow and empty.

“That’s not what this is about. How can you not know what I mean? You just keep...I thought it was grief, and I wanted to give you some time and some space, but then you wanted to settle into a normal routine, and I thought, hell, I can give you that, I can try to fill the gaps, but every step I take closer, you pull back, and you just keep retreating further and further. You know the first fucking time I’ve seen you show any emotion in months was when you lost it on Xion?” He asks, flourishing his hands. I wrinkle my nose.

“I didn’t lose it on her, I corrected her. I’m just busy with work, you know that.” I assure him, because I can do this, I can fool the ultimate deceiver, he has nothing on me. 

“I know you spend half of your time wasting Gummi fuel to avoid human interaction.” He says, and I must make a face, because he rolls his eyes, huffing an almighty sigh. “You think Amaya and I don’t talk? Come on, Rueki, we’re both worried about you! You know, the only time you bring up the wedding is when you’re trying to avoid something, you don’t talk about Sora, you don’t talk about Kai--”

“No!” I snap, feeling the wetness as my nails pierce my arms. The bite is liberating and quickly, I draw my hands away, shaking them out. Lea pauses, pout forming, but I just tighten my jaw a little. “There’s nothing to talk about. We were all there, we all know what happened. We don’t need to talk about anything.” I shake my head.

“Not even the fact you told an old man you hope that he burns?” Lea asks and I scoff.

“Don’t play righteous with me, I haven’t forgotten Vexen.” I say, but that is apparently not the right answer, because Lea’s soft as the sunrise eyes take on a scorching quality. 

“You didn’t flinch, you didn’t even act like you felt anything when you felt him die on your blade! ” Lea recalls, as though my memory is somehow now short term. 

“I didn’t feel anything, I don’t know what you want from me. He was responsible for a war. He had to die. Lots of people died.” I shrug, longing to puncture my thighs, my wrists, my palms with screaming, angry nails.

“And Sora took care of him, I don’t know why you need to one up, why you always need to make sure someone hurts more than you, I mean what do you get out of that?” He asks, though his words do not have the proper sting. Instead, there is a deep exhaustion in his voice, exasperation that knows no limit.

“I’m a hero.” I remind him. “Heroes kill bad guys. That’s what I did.”

“Heroes don’t do what you did, Rueki. What you were, what you did, I’ve seen you struggle with life and death before. You weren’t yourself.” He pleads.

“Well, maybe I’m a bad guy.” I reply and I make a move to turn away, but he grabs my arm and is immediately met by the wetness I have created. He tears a bloody palm away and I notice how huge his eyes have become as he stares down.

“Rueks...baby...I didn’t mean for the conversation to go like that. I’m scared for you, that’s all.” And I want to tell him no, that I know he isn’t scared for me, he’s scared of me and this is only the beginning, but I hold back the thing inside of me, biting my tongue until I’m met by a metallic taste. “Tell me how to help you, please, I’ll do anything.” He urges, and I hear the sincerity in his voice. He really means this, or at least, he thinks he does. But I roll my eyes and turn away.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“You’re not, you can ask for help, babe, that’s what I’m here to--”

I hate teleporting, but the gut wrenching is by far worth stopping this conversation dead in its tracks, before the thing inside of me grows claws large enough to pierce not only my arms but the man I once fancied as my own.

\--

Swiftly, noticeably, I watch myself unravel. No longer am I a bystander of my own actions, on the outside looking in, but still having a sort of off handed control of my behavior. Instead, The loose grip I had on reality quite literally disappears, slipping through the cracks in my fingers the way water might. My splintering reality is featherlight in my grasp, which I find ironically funny as I wake one morning and feel a weight on my chest. I feel heavy, I feel drowning and shove my fist into my mouth, as far as it will go to stave off a scream.

Dreams don’t follow me into reality, but I wake up and wonder why I can still see indigo eyes, blinking over me. I see indigo eyes and I see ash, I see the girl turn to dust, smiling at me as vicious wind rips the skin straight off of her.

The scene clears, not of my volition, but of its own accord, and I lie, disconnected from my own flesh as my skin rises, taking steps toward a mirror, brushing out her hair, smiling pleasantly to herself. She smiles as I am shoved further under, nails cracking off as I claw my way to the surface, only to be shoved down harder, heavier. I can’t breathe.

“Are we talking today?” Lea’s voice is a whisper from the other side of the bed, and the other me turns to him, head tilted, brush at hand.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about. I have to work.” I look at her and see something cold and flat lurking behind the eyes, I look at her and nearly cry. I don’t know when this thing became me, but the sensation that I am too far gone is overwhelming and snaps me back into my own body, into this skin where I am merely a visitor. I want to tear everything away, to burst free, I realize that inside of this casing is where I struggle most to breathe and nearly begin to sob at the effort. But my body, so stuck in auto pilot, so detached from my own mind just sets down the hair brush, grabs clothes and turns toward the bathroom.

“Could you please just let me in? Just once?” Lea begs, and my body twists, turning to where he lies, eyes on the ceiling. The part of me that is me instantly experiences the sensation of a twisting stomach, but the part of me that is turned off, gone away, maybe truly dead looks at him and doesn’t see a lover, but another burden, another person to get in the way, a weakness. The part of me that is lost hates him, and it is, really is, too late.

\--

My home and my family seem so very strange and distant now as I watch them, watch myself. I curl tighter into the couch, pretending to read the same page over in a book I long since stopped caring about. Lea cracks open a beer, passes one to Isa. Roxas makes a reach for the bottle, Xion slaps his hand away, the quartet laugh and I disappear in on myself, further, faster. I think perhaps now is the time I should find my way back to the ocean, lie in the tide and wait for the waves to finally dissolve me completely. No one would notice. My role is so easily filled, a bad attitude, quick remarks, a little too much cynicism. No one actually needs me, I am decaying, organic matter, a bacterial accident and anyone with a sharp tongue can be me. 

I watch them and think of how easy it would be to hurt any of them. To press just so, to apply just enough pressure to make any one of them snap, because truly, it would be so easy. They are all so fragile, made of glass. On any given day or point in time, all I would need to do is tighten my fist and then--

The bottle of beer spills off the table and rings against the ground. Even my head snaps up. My eyes meet Lea’s, and whatever trace of sympathy is there, should be destroyed now. He’s not going to make it, not with me like this, not with my mind spiralling rapidly out of control. Not when I’m still thinking of how they are all so soft and weak and it is my eternal right to make any of them hurt, for any reason. Just because it feels good, just because I want to be a reckoning for once.

But his eyes are still so soft, he still cares so much.

It would be so easy.

I need to leave.

\--

For the most part, avoidance is the only thing I can control. I have no power over the words that leave my mouth, no power over my actions or even my own distorted, violent thoughts. There isn’t a second I don’t want to lash out at Lea, that I don’t want to snap Roxas in half, that I don’t want to dissect Xion until a pretty redhead emerges from her surfaces. I cannot stop the wicked twist that my mind has taken, but I can decide whether or not I infect those I love. I can control whether or not I poison them with my toxicity.

There’s only one who has already been tainted, there is only one I can scream for help to. And my pride isn’t even an afterthought. Scream for help, I do.

“I thought I would have so much more to say to you.” Isa says, and I think that I would expect that too. After all, there was a time I would have had a lot more to say about his life, about him moving in, about the feathered scars dancing across the very few visible areas of his skin, mimicking the angry lines that litter mine.

“Yeah.” Is all I can say though, it is the best I can formulate, because I know I’m supposed to go through these pleasantries, I know we’re supposed to do this dance.

But the reason I’m here, the sole reason I’m here is because he might be the only one who understands what it feels like to be in my skin right now, trapped beneath a monster, circling hell as though it is a drain.

“No quip, no remark?” He inclines an eyebrow. I shrug.

“The fact of the matter is you’re just second fiddle. I hate myself a lot more than I hate you.” I say, and at this, he blanches.

“So you’re in that phase? Perhaps you’re more advanced than I predicted.” He says, face smoothing out quickly.

“Phase?” I inquire.

“That’s how it goes, isn’t? You lose someone you love with everything inside of you. And Lea wants to make you better so bad, but his lack of focus will lead you elsewhere, until only the demons in your own head remain to keep you company.” He says, and it pains me, how right he is, how much he knows the process. After all, he has experience in this department for days. The missing girl, the way Lea immediately shifted his attention to me. I suppose that we must be square, at this point, if things have come full circle like this. “I didn’t fall into absolute self loathing until I was recompleted. I expected the process might be longer, that there might be a more literal rebirth needed for you to reach this point.”

“It feels like I’m someone else, like I’m watching myself from a different body.” I confess, and the words, they feel like a sin I am now unburdened by. Isa’s jaw sets, he tilts his head as he looks to me. He doesn’t take a step closer, but the way his eyes work me open is just as unnerving. It makes the words pour out, uncensored. “I can’t look at the others and not blame them or blame myself and whatever my brain is doing to cope, is making me unstable. And I want to hurt them, so bad. It’s like I know that nothing will bring her back, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes, try whatever I can, kill whoever I need to, trade one life for another. This should bother me so much more than it does, but half of the time, I don’t even feel like me.” 

He is silent for a very long moment, and there is a part of me that screams that he is judging me, and perhaps he is, perhaps I have superceded him and he is repulsed by me, but I think any cognitive part of my mind is beyond the point of caring, and the fact of the matter is that I need help. The kind of help that only he is neutral enough to grant me.

Maybe I owe him at this point, but I suppose what I will give will be well worth the cost. Equivalency.

“Are you...lucid now?” He inquires, after a thoughtful breath, and I nod. 

“But I don’t know what sets it off. The other day I woke up and watched my body leave the bed.” I explain, and as I do, I start to pick at my sleeves, at the plaid hem and apparently, in doing so, I expose just enough of the crescent shapes scars upon my arms to still Isa.

“Those are new.” He says. 

“Yes.” I whisper, dragging my teeth over my lower lip, horrified to admit what he has already pieced together. 

“Not from the war.” He more says than asks and I nod.

“No, they’re from me.” I answer.

“Are you…” He starts and I cringe, wanting to end this conversation where it begins because I am quite certain neither of us are interested in playing therapist to the other. Certainly, he doesn’t owe me this.

“Not actively, no.” I answer. “Sometimes my brain just gets going and I just need some kind of release, it’s not like it’s intentional, I’ll just catch myself doing it. Not that that makes it any better. 

“No indeed.” He shakes his head. “If you’re asking how to cope with the loss, you came to the wrong person. I intend to search for my lost friend every second I get.”

“No, no. That’s not why.” I say. “It’s...more like I just need your help. I want to disappear, can you help me with that?” I ask, leaning forward on the countertop which we stand by.

“No.” He says, face flat, perfectly stoic, not granting me reprieve one way or another. He is, as always, my judge, jury and executioner. “No, but I understand the toxicity inside of you. If you’re coming to me, you must be truly desperate. I cannot help you disappear. But I can distract them all for long enough to grant you an escape, if you so choose.”

“Yes.” I say greedily, hungrily, the first shard of anything I’ve felt in far too long. “Yes, I...Isa…” And I think I should tell him about the atrocity that I am, I think that I should relay the knowledge that Xigbar hand picked me to stay alive, when I surely do not have the right to be the sole one untouched by Xemnas’ schemes for so much of my life. I feel indebted in ways that make me squirm, but my own greed pulls me hardest of all. The second the words spill from my lips, the second, I plant the seed of ‘what if’ in his mind is the second he takes this neutrality. 

So, with the easy distraction of ice cream, Isa lures my eager fiance and the faces I once called friends and now cannot bear to look at, out of the house, and I think it is for the best. He has swept in and comfortably assumed my position better than I will ever be able to. The parts of me that are missing are the parts that have returned to him and if there is any balance left in the world, then it has a twisted sense of humor. 

But I am so defeated, shoulders slumped, bags packed that I can hardly bring myself to be bothered.

And so Lea lived happily ever after, the end.

The first time I fled from friends, I fled as far as my ship would take me, finding pleasure in the sky when I could find pleasure in nothing else. But now, I have spent so much time, soaring through the skies and have found no sense of joy. So I get as far as the old mansion, slink into the basement and lay my head to rest upon the computer. Perhaps Ansem the Wise was right, revenge has done nothing for me. Perhaps I could find my way back to Radiant Garden and beg the would be king to send me into a data world where I can live in blissful fantasy.

My mind recalls the time Namine offered to rewrite my memories. Then I had declined, knowing myself well enough to know that my own curiosity would break me. Now, broken to my core, I would not hesitate to black out and spend my days in an illusion.

I don’t leave, and three days into screaming myself awake at the computer chair, I wake worth hot arms twined around me, a wet cheek pressed to my shoulder.

“You’ve gotta tell me, Rueks, because I don’t know what the fuck to do. What am I doing wrong, how can I fix you?” I’m not sure that I’ve seen him cry, and if so, never like this, voice rattling and wet from within his throat.

“You should move on.” I mutter, lips brushing the icy keys. “You should be happy.” 

He curls himself around me tighter as an instinct, torso contorted, fingers laced through mine. I cannot deny how well they fit, but there’s something…

There’s the fact that I still feel that at any moment, I may detach from my own body and never come down again.

“Isa told me everything, and I get that you’re trying to be good, but how many times do I need to tell you that I don’t want you to leave me until you believe it? I love you, Rueki, I know this is hard but--”

“It’s not.” I correct.

“You don’t need to pretend to be strong, not to me.” He offers.

“No, I’m not pretending. That’s just it.” I bite my lip, pressing my teeth into sensitive flesh until they pierce skin and then and only then do I find release. “Something’s wrong. Something just turned off when Kairi died. Like a switch. It’s just...all dark.”

“Rueks…” He begins, but I snort, a derisive, dry laugh on my lips.

“Come on, you’re a believer in your own right. It’s better that it ends like this. When we fell in love, I found you when you were barely human and now I am. Let’s just...shake hands before you start to hate me.” I am all dead weight as I sink back into the keyboard, and although Isa might’ve told him everything, there is no way Lea will ever be on this level, that he can ever possibly understand what it feels like to be so angry and empty simultaneously. Even his heart has never been this cruel.

Lea doesn’t stand for my apathy though. He pulls away from me, as though it takes great effort, grabs the top of the chair and wheels it around, ripping me straight from the keyboard. Disoriented, groggy, I blink back spots as he grabs my face in his hands and bends down on one knee.

“Do you want to leave me because of Isa, because Rueki, I already told you, I’m not going to lose you for anyone, got it--”

“Memorized.” I finish, face still perfectly flat, eyes still plenty tired, spent beyond recognition. He rakes a hand through my meticulously brushed hair. “And of course I do and I know you’re trying and I know you want to help but…” No amount of fumbling for words will make this easier, no amount of effort will relight what has gone stygian inside of me. “I can’t be who you fell in love with. I can’t be anything, I just exist anymore at best and am a danger at worst and I don’t even have it in me to be annoyed by the hollowness.”

“You’re always going to be who I fell in love with. I didn’t fall for you at one place in time, I love what you are, what you used to be and everything you’re gonna be, if you think I’m gonna give up just like that, then you’ve been underestimating me for way too long.” He assures me, bare thumb brushing my cheekbone. “Look, I get it, the war was brutal on both of us, there were so many times we took shit out on each other that shouldn’t have been. I should’ve been there for you more, I should’ve been more proactive, but fuck, I don’t know to fix these things, I don’t know how any of this works so just...just tell me how to make this better. Tell me how to make us better, no matter what, no matter where we’ve gone, what’s happened… I...I can’t lose you ever again, Rueks. Please, please don’t leave me.” He’s a man on his knees, begging and this should break my heart. I do want to reach out, to touch him, to kiss him, to promise things that can never be true, because there is a part of me, a part that I think can never be fully killed, that needs to make him happy. But the mere brush of his skin against mine reminds me how little I feel like a person that is capable of this beautiful love and emotion. I have become so numb.

“The fact of the matter is that you’re not doing anything wrong, but I’m not me anymore, and I don’t think that’s going to change. I can’t grieve, I can’t cope, that’s me, that’s my issue, but Lea, you can’t stay with me. I can’t make you happy, I can’t trust myself. I want you and Xion and Roxas to hurt because...” I just can’t formulate the words, I can’t even begin to express that absolute destruction is all I know anymore, all my brain can fixate on and is therefore all I know how to deliver. “Because I hate you all. I hate that you get to be happy and this gets to end all neat for all of you and I…”

I don’t cry, but Lea does, tears spilling hot and heavy, and I don’t brush them aside but think that maybe Isa is right and he does need those marks again.

“Stop. Please.” He begs, gripping my face tighter. “This isn’t you.” 

“I don’t know what is me anymore, Lea.” I shake my head.

“I know you don’t believe in a bright side, and that you don’t expect the world to be good, I mean, I’d be lying if I said I saw things in rose colored glasses, but this is Sora we’re talking about. You were there with us, if he said he was going to bring Kairi back--”

“I haven’t felt Sora in months.” I whisper, not meeting his gaze, wanting once more to crawl out of my own skin. And the thing inside of me wants to resume control, so much so that words cannot even begin to express. “He’s dead for real this time.”

“You never told me that.” Lea’s hands fall limp on my face. I shrug.

“You’d never look at me again if I told you everything I knew. Feels kinda familiar, huh?” I cock my head to the side, and it feels like this is supposed to be a joke, like it is something he should laugh at and resolve that I am right. But my inability to form a connection has me completely blocked off to what I should expect. Lea’s hands fall away from me, he cards a hand through his hair.

“You can’t cope, so what, you don’t want to talk, fucking fine. But have you put any goddamn effort in? Do you want to feel okay? I want you to be okay so bad it fucking kills me. Do you think any of this has been worth it, without you? Do you think I don’t count down the days until you join us for ice cream, or actually fucking tell me you love me? I just want you to love yourself for five fucking seconds, for just long enough that you can genuinely tell me you want help, and I’ll do anything. But how much do you need me to beg?” He pleads, gripping my hands, still on bended knee.

“Do you want to fight? Is that going to make leaving easier on you?” I ask, chewing my already tattered lip. Lea presses his thumb against my mouth, prying my teeth away from my marred flesh.

“I’m not fucking leaving and neither are you, just...please. You come first, I know this isn’t how you want things to be, I know this is shit. But Rueki, I promised you I’d take care of you, so what’s it going to take to get you to let me keep my promise? I love you, let me fucking help you!” He pleads, brow puckering, face contorting.

“It’s okay.” I offer. “You can be free, this is your out. You’re not going to be the bad guy, you can go.”

This apparently is not the right answer. Behind me, he bashes his fist into the keyboard, I do not so much as flinch. So he grabs my legs and slams me, back down, onto the massive span of the keyboard. He hovers over me all hot breath and passion, begging for something, anything, any trace of a spark that I can offer. I want so badly to give him one. But I just stare up at him limp beneath his body. His arms go rigid, I see the muscles in his shoulders tightening.

A hot tear spills from his cheek down onto mine. My breath hitches.

“Why did you let it get this far? Why couldn’t you tell me you needed me? Now when I’ve failed you…” He chokes. Oh no.

“Come on, stop.” I shake my head. “You didn’t fail anything, all you did was love me hard, harder than I deserved. Please, just give that to someone who can give it back. Please, before you commit to a life with me, before you make a mistake.”

But he doesn’t. Instead, he tries to pour love straight into me, enough to bring me back to life. And it’s so sad, such a sad situation that all of his heart is in vain. His lips find mine, soft and scalding, searching. And I cannot deny that the physical sensation is pleasant, but this is the tiniest spark in the pits of hell and no matter how much either of us want it to be, this will never be enough.

Flames lick the skin of my neck. A warm arm envelopes itself around my waist. He won’t stop crying.

I didn’t realize there was anything left until the scars around my heart start to ache from the cold. It isn’t unbearable, just frostbite settling over my already icy insides. I can live with this and he will have someone one day who he can ignite, the way I know he does, the way he always does.

But his hands roam my body, my back, my front, my sides, pushing up the hem of my dress. He tries so hard to pump life and love and fire back into me, in the only way I’ve taught him I can be healed, and it isn’t his fault that now, in this ungodly moment, he grants me no solace. And if he wants one last time, who am I to stop him, I’ve been here with him before, been here in tenfold and though I know it will only make things harder, I will never deny him pleasure. It’s not that I actively do not want to, it’s not like I actively even want anything. I can just close my eyes, let my mind crystalize, cease my thoughts, count the beats of my heart. 

“What am I supposed to do?” He pleads against my mouth. “Anything, say the word and I’m already there.” How am I supposed to tell him, here, as he drowns in his own saltwater tears, that this is the end of the road, no matter what we do, we’ve found a dead end. “I’ll do anything.”

“There’s nothing. You’re going to get hurt. Just stop.” I shake my head, which still is pressed between his hands, as though if he applies just enough pressure he can turn me into a diamond again. 

“I’m sorry I let you down...I...I don’t know what to…” Words fail him as he twines his arms around me, crushing me to his chest. “Come on, just give me a little more time.”

There is no amount of time, nothing that could convince me that I am the lucky one, that there are still memories to be made, that I am deserving and worthy of the life left behind for me. Either she should have lived or I should have--

“One month. Come on, Rueks.” He urges. “Give me one month, one month to put you back together, if you still want to leave then, fine, leave, I won’t try to stop you, you don’t even need to say goodbye but please… Let me fix you.”

I should say that there is no fixing something with pieces missing, I should say that I just want to rest and erode away and let the dust of all that I am scatter to the wind. I should say the only thing I feel is the icy knotting of old scars mangling remnants of my heart. 

But he holds me like this, so hot and tight and perfectly together. Tgere is no denying him, there is no changing my mind any more than there is his

And I think combustion might be the perfect way to finally go out.

So I say “okay, one month”, and wonder what his face will look like when he tells me I am right and that this was all for naught.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends and happy (almost)anniversary of Let It Burn! One year ago tomorrow I posted the first few chapters of Let It Burn and am so happy and so proud of how far it's come, so starting next week, double updates are back! Thanks for joining me for the ride, you guys are the best

XLI.

We wake up in a desert. We wake up in a tundra. We wake up in the eye of a storm and I watch the rain fall everywhere except for on us. It seems odd, the two of us, exempt from the monsoon. I flinch, Lea’s catches me. Hot arms twine around my shoulders.

Today it’s a monsoon and a villa. Tomorrow, it’s a motel in the city, a week from today and it might well be the back of the van. Lea seems beyond content to crash anywhere, and he does, with me in his arms, cradled close, sheltered from ever bit of every world. I cannot see the light, but the darkness is warm and enveloping and--this is okay.

In the last week, we haven’t stopped moving. With hands twined, Lea pulls me through worlds we have never seen, through places I haven’t been. He is barely competent to steer my ship, and yet he does, with me cupping my chin, staring out into the stars. My mind is blank, we nearly crash into meteors. I don’t mind. I don’t particularly feel any more alive.

“It’s not going to work.” And I don’t say it to Lea as though he is intruding or as though I am trying to brush him off. Just matter of factly. The warmth, I think, under any other circumstances, might be pleasant, but I am not fill enough to believe I can just curl into a temporary fix, a band aid, an illusion.

“You know me well enough to know a challenge doesn’t scare me, sweetheart.” He squeezes me a little tighter, resting a cheek on the top of my head.

“It’s not a bad thing that this is going to fail, I just really think you can do better.” I reply.

“We’re not doing this again.” He’s good, I think. He’s smart, he shuts me down quickly. With everything bubbling up inside of me, on the verge of boiling, I think I might be capable of ranting for days. “We’re gonna be okay.”

“We’re not going to stop moving until we are, right?” I ask.

“Hey, whatever it takes. You’re not the first monster I’ve whipped into shape.” He says, kissing my temple, but I go rigid, fingers sliding against the glass of the cold window. My touch causes steam to rise, I think I might want to rip my brain from my temples just to get the thoughts to quiet. 

He’s right, I’m broken, I’m irreparable, I am as sick as Isa was in Xemnas’ clutches, possibly worse. There is nothing to stop me from taking out my ache, my agony on Roxas or Xion or Lea, himself. I feel distant and isolated and cut off, even with Lea curled around me. There’s nothing tethering me to myself, to my would be family. I am dangerous, unstable, my worries circle me, close in around me, making my vision go shaky and spotty and dark, and then--

“Hey, hey. Where’d you go?” Lea’s kiss, on my cheekbone seems to burn and I lean forward, tilting myself away from him, toward the window, which is cool and safe as I press my face into it. “You know that was a joke, right?”

“I wanna go back to sleep.” I whisper, breath a hot puff against the window.

“Or we could talk.” He cards his fingernails through my hair, they brush my scalp and I chomp down the inside of my cheek to repress a shudder. Oh.

“I don’t want to.” I say, but I shake my head, further back into his touch and he seems to pick up, pressing his nails deeper. “That’s nice.”

“What else?” He presses, kissing the moon shaped marks that my fingernails have left on my forearms, as he draws them up to his mouth. “This?”

“It’s fine.” But there is an apparent lack of enthusiasm in my voice, because he merely squeezes my wrist and sets my arm aside. 

“You’re not a monster.” His voice is lower now, smoke on the ground.

“Sure.” I nod, head bobbing against the warming window. 

“You’re not. Come on, Rueks, I didn’t mean to.” He insists.

“I know. You’re good. And I’m usually a lot more sardonic than this.” I don’t laugh, but he does, though it comes out as more of a snort.

Dust settles between us and yet, I feel no more connection, no more warmth. Instead, the only thing I press myself further into is the window. 

“I wish I knew how to help you.” Lea murmurs, voice and breath feather light as they brush my skin.

“It’s okay if you can’t. I'm the one that's messed up. You’ve got people to go home to, I’m safe here. And you should. Go home.” I urge, but Lea shakes his head, chin rubbing the top of my hair.

“You’ve got people to go home to, too.” He says, but I don’t know how to voice the fact that I feel like a black hole, bound to collapse in on myself, from the sheer emptiness I feel. “Roxas, Xion.” And I flinch at the second name. “Rueks, if this is about Isa staying with us--”

“No.” I shake my head, and the denial feels heavy in my heart, a vortex that wants to suck me in. Because this has nothing to do with Isa, and to be honest, for the first time, I would call us square. The scars he dons, the ones I have to match, and then he tried to help me escape, were it not for my own apathy I might have.“No, Isa is… he should be a part of your life.”

“And he will be, but I need you to be you again and if having him around--” Lea begins, but I shake my head harder.

“No, he’s not a problem.” I swear.

“Then who is?” Lea presses just enough. Places just enough pressure that I open right up.

“Xion.” Even as her name tumbles from my lips, I feel dirty, as though I am cursing. Lea tenses up, rolling his shoulders back behind me and I think this is it, this is the part that he lets go and doesn’t look back. 

“Why?” He breathes, and I think damn, he genuinely doesn’t know, genuinely doesn’t get it. The man who I once believed to be too wicked and cunning for me is now innocent, a naive version of his former self and that must be best for him. This is what he wants, of course. Simplicity, something I can never grant. Dear Twilight, he should just go home.

“It’s that face…” I spit. “She wears it like she...like she just can.” I am all venom and poison, and Marluxia was right all along, I have been yearning to seep this toxicity from the very beginning. 

Lea does detach from me this time and although I am accustomed to the cold, the abruptness of it still makes me gasp. Strange, I think, that physical sensation is returning to me, but I guess I don’t have control of that type of numbness. Not the way I control the anesthesia on my own heart.

“It’s okay if you.. If you don’t want to stay. I know I’m not…” Good, salvageable, human. “Easy to work with.” 

But to my surprise, I am met by a hair brush, that rakes through my tangle free locks. My face contorts at the stimulation of my scalp, but Lea only combs a few times before setting the brush aside, onto the window sill. As he finishes, he starts to divide my hair and then begins to--

Braid it?

“What are you--” I go to turn, but with his shoulder pressed into my upper back, he stills me.

“I’m not fucking leaving you. Stop making stupid comments.” He grumbles. “I’m braiding your hair, and then we’re going to go for a hike, alright?” And I think that it’s absolutely idiotic that he wants to hike in the pouring rain, that it sounds like a landslide, an absolute nightmare that neither of our very human bodies are going to appreciate. That it sounds taxing and distracting, but I suppose he thinks that must be the point.

So I just say “okay, sure.”

Because this is doomed. But if he needs to see that for himself, then so be it.

\--

I wake up with blankets balled in my mouth and frostbite in my blown wide eyes. Pinprick pupils, saturated scream. No amount of firey hot touches nor kisses upon my shoulders can ease the nightmares as they tear through me with undiluted vengeance. They claw up, angry at having been shoved down for so long, they break through every bit of me that retains consciousness. I swat Lea away with the violent swing of my arm and spill out of bed, staggering drunkenly around, fumbling through the dark, trying to find a place, a way, anything I can escape to.

Lea is quicker than me right now, more alert and quite literally tackles me to the ground. I swing, angrily, trying to shove him off of me. I buck my hips, I bare my teeth, claw every square inch of him I can get away with. A thunder spell would be so easily, and I don’t feel my lover upon me, trying to heal me, but an enemy, trying to shove me into the cold, harsh light of reality, something I absolutely cannot handle. 

“Go away!” I scream, elbow in his face as I strive to rip him from me. “Get off, I hate you, I’ll kill you!”

“Goddammit, Rueki, it’s me!” And he struggles with my wrists, like I don’t know that, like I’m not quite aware of his weight as it presses into me.

“I don’t want to be here, I told you to fucking go home!” I snap.

“And I already told you, I’m not leaving you, I’m here for you, it’s going to be okay!” Though his voice sounds at its very edge of breaking and I long for utter destruction. So I let him ensnare my wrists and once he does, I spark, shoving as many volts of electricity as it takes, into him before he releases me and I can scramble to my feet. I fly away from him, into the bathroom, a clear path lit now that my eyes have adjusted to the dark. Slamming the door behind me, I lock it and sink to the ground, pressing my face against the icy ceramic tile, listening to my heart hammer and my pulse throb.

As it turns out though, I hardly needed to lock the door, because a few seconds of rustling fabric and cursing later, and I hear the door to our hotel room thud shut. Momentarily, my heart ceases to beat, my breath is heavy as it pools and catches repeatedly in the base of my chest. Something vibrant is alight inside of me, and it isn’t pleasant. This is not the screaming realization that I have no control over my body, no, quite the opposite. I have utter control, there is no demonic other self to blame. The fault is entirely mine and I keep shoving my own head under, suffocating in the ache of all of the things that I have done. Here is the agony, here is the grief, and now I will choke on them, because that is what I deserve. For pulling a girl from where she is safe, for going against the wishes of her friends and dragging her light into the dark, for urging a boy to end his life, in the vain hope that hers could be brought back. Everything is vermillion and electric and I should be buried under the violent colors of my dark deeds. I am an alchemist and a monster and this, I know, is equivalence. I should lay like this, I should me strangled by my own misery. 

Tears don’t pool, but I scream, I scream myself ragged until I hear pounding on the walls and then I scream louder. I scream until my voice goes out completely and I hurt into my lungs. I scream and when there is no more sound, I make blank noises with the same force, pounding into the floor, clawing at the door frame until my fingernails feel as though they will splinter off.

I claw until one does.

Only when I am a corpse, do I peel myself off of the ground, unlock the bathroom door and collapse into bed. But not to sleep. To stare at the ceiling, to memorize the shitty spackle until my brain finally sputters and breaks.

Xigbar’s words ring in my head, how I am made for war, and I think that he is certainly right. Perhaps a happy ending was impossible for someone like me, someone so content to misery and demise like me. I am not the person that gets to settle in, and now Lea can be safe from me. Now he can be free, he is home now, certainly, telling Isa how right he was about me being a leach and a monstrosity, protecting Xion from demons like me, pacifying Roxas that what remains of me is dead and that they will all be better off without me. 

He’s safe and this is good, and there was already screaming in my brain and throbbing in my chest anyway, so this crippling loneliness that has arrived with his departure is nothing new. It is simply the final straw, and that’s what I need, to break completely.

The hotel room door makes a click, it creaks open and in the dark, emerald green eyes find me.

This is when the tears come. I spring off the bed, toward him, heart leaping out of my chest, out of my throat, pouring straight out of me as I barrel toward him. And Lea braces himself, for attack, I am sure, but--

But I don’t want that.

I weave my arms around his neck, wrap my legs around his waist, fist his hair kiss his mouth.

He drops two somethings to the floor as he catches me, trying and likely failing to keep up with the rapid swings of my mood. I don’t deserve his patience, if he is here to demand the ring back, I deserve no less.

But he backs me into a wall, lets the door shut behind him, twirls me around and presses my back into the bed.

Hungry lips meet mine, scorching, searing as he nips at my lips, my cheeks, my jaw. I suck his lips back into my mouth, rake my nails through his hair, tear at his clothes. This is hot, needy, animalistic. He yanks the micro hoodie off of me, tears the zipper off of my dress so hard that it shreds the fabric and I don’t care. Not when I feel burning, desperate hands grope my breasts. This is not like those moments I laid on my back and stared blankly at the ceiling. No, this isn’t to pacify him, this is all for me. I need to drink him in, I need to devour him, I need him to touch me hotter, faster, harder.

I tug his shirt off of his head, lock my legs around his waist and grind my cunt into his erection until he screams. The sound is beautiful, visceral.

And an utter reminder that the last time I touched Lea like this was the night before the war. The girl he fucked, emptily, in the bed of our house was hardly me, and although this will certainly be more satisfying for both of us, the reminder of emptiness and loneliness I felt in his absence grips my insides hard enough to still me. Lea begins to gnaw at my neck, so I grab his hands and tear myself away, feeling teeth puncture as I do. But he stops, to his credit, Lea needs not further motion to cease.

“Sorry, too rough?” He’s panting and very dizzy looking and instead of feeling lucky or feeling amorous, I start crying, sobbing pathetically. “Goddammit.” But Lea’s off of me and twists us so that my head is in his lap. And I’m just wheezing, clutching the too tight fabric of his pants as I cry into him. I know he can’t keep up, to be honest, neither can I, and this isn’t fair and I know it and he should've stayed gone, he should’ve meant it when he left me. But fuck am I thankful he didn’t.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” The two words are my incantation, as my whimpering, ragged voice is barely audible. But Lea hushes me and kisses my hair. I cry myself raw, I cry myself to sleep. I cry and when I wake, he is twined around me and my face is still wet and my eyes hurt. “I’m sorry.” My voice is still tattered, but has something to it now. Behind me, Lea kisses my shoulder.

“You’re a fucking mess.” He tells me. I snort, he clutches me tighter, and I think this is right, this is something I would laugh at. It feels right, to laugh at it.

“You’re not usually one to understate things.” I say. 

“I don’t have any better words for what you are, sweetheart.” He teases, kissing my hair.

“Why’d you come back?” I ask. “I hurt you.”

“Oh come on, I was only gone a couple hours. And only cuz I couldn’t decide whether to bring you back ice cream or tea. So I brought both. The hotel floor is probably ruined, by the way.” He says and I swell, feeling brighter than I have in a long time.

“Why the fuck would you bring me anything?” I ask. Because I do not deserve it or him.

“Cuz we’re really good at doing shitty things to each other.” He says. When I don’t ease into his touch, he sighs, nuzzling the back of my neck. “We wouldn’t be together if we both judged each other on our weakest moments or the worst things we’ve done to each other.”

And he’s right, and I am so sick and so bent, and need him so thoroughly, I just don’t feel like with everything that has happened, with how bad things have been, that anything could possibly feel right or good again. 

“I’m a serious fucking mess…” My voice wavers, vibrates.

“This mean you’re ready to talk? Cuz I can get us breakfast, we can hang out in bed all day and just...talk.” And I know he means well, in fact, he means so well that I throb and glow with this new vibrancy. But I also know my own capabilities.

“Not yet. Besides, my throat is kind of fucked. Speaking of ruining the hotel, I think we’re definitely gonna get a noise complaint. I had a meltdown after you left yesterday.” I admit. He snorts.

“I don’t think me leaving or our reunion were especially quiet either. You know I’m not above ditching the hotel and just not paying the fines.” He says, I stifle a laugh again, this time because my throat is raw.

“I feel like petty crime is pretty minor for both of us at this point.” I agree.

“I mean, we both killwd old men.” He chuckles, and finally, I cannot hold back my laughter, and I think it’s pretty fucked that we’re both laughing about this, but here we are, and the release feels like nothing else in this world. “So let’s get dressed and get the fuck out of here.” He suggests. My face screws up.

“I think you destroyed my dress.” I remind him. He shrugs, even with his arms still around me.

“I packed a couple more outfits for you, sweetheart. I’m not a monster.” He insists, and then hesitates. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to--”

“No, it’s good.” I shake my head. And it is. We work our way out of each other’s arms, I pull on a black tank top and a plaid skirt. Lea scrapes his clothes up off the floor, eyes narrowing as he notices traces of blood. I lick my lips, looking down at my mutilated hand. He sighs. “I didn’t mean to, it’s just my fingernail.” I insist.

“We so are ditching the place. No way are we making house payments and paying fees on this.” He decides.

“How are we making house payments? I mean, I’m kind of the sole breadwinner.” I remind him. He just shrugs as he works his way into his shirt.

“Amaya said she has it covered. Guess Del hooked her and Lucidia up real well before he left.” And I recall Del saying he wanted to, but the thought that my friend is paying for my mental breakdown, while I’m not working for her, is too much. I really am the worst human ever. 

“Well, then, I guess if we’re being irresponsible dicks, anything else fun that you want to do?” I roll my eyes.

“Well, I saw some GummiCycles for rent that looked fun. No way we can afford them, though.” Lea grins, though I can’t tell if he’s joking or not.

“If you’re asking me if I can hotwire them while you distract the shop owner, then yes, I definitely can.” I reply. The grin that breaks out across his face could light entire realms.

Fuck, I forgot how pretty he is.

“Cool, let’s go be just a little bit bad together.” He scoops his arms around my waist, presses his forehead to mine and kisses me. And they’re not the pleading kisses like in the mansion or the needy ones like last night, but instead, he kisses me just enough to warm me, just enough to uncurl and soothe every single muscle in my body, working me apart until I am putty in his arms.

“I love you.” I breathe, against his lips, skin bumping his. Lea pauses, hesitates, and I think my mood swings have finally broken him.

“I think that’s the first time you’ve said that to me since the war.” He breathes. I chew my lower lip, touching the skin of his neck

“If it makes you feel any better, I think that’s the first time I’ve meant anything since the war.” I confess. He pulls just enough away from me to gauge my expression, though he certainly doesn’t look ecstatic

“So last night…”

“Everything came to a head.” I confess.

“But that thing with us, with me touching you and us stopping…” He begins, and oh! I make a face looking away from him, leaning back against the wall.

“Says more about me than it does about you. Don’t think too hard about it. Please.” I urge. 

“You've just been clocking out?” He asks.

“It feels like I’m watching my body. Like I’m not me, like I’m just visiting.” And fuck, do I not want to talk, even now, I resist the urge to pick my palms apart.

“Rueki…”

“Please, don’t.” I shake my head. “You want things so bad, you’re willing to look past all of the red flags, just so something good can happen. I took advantage of that.”

“I took advantage of--”

“No, you didn’t.” I insist.

“You didn’t consent to--”

“I didn’t not consent.” I promise him.

“That doesn’t make it better, goddammit, Rueki!” He tears away from me, running a hand through his hair. I throw my head back against the wall, letting it flop as I shove down more tears, that simply will not be repressed, and slide, defiantly down my cheeks. 

“That’s why I stopped you last night. Cuz I wanted… I wanted both of us to mean it next time we…” I struggle. Lea’s got his hands twisted in mine now and he’s back at my side as I fumble with more words. “I’m not in the right state of mind. I’m like really… I don’t know how I’m going to get better.” I confess.

Lea’s hands don’t leave mine. He’s steadfast and solid beyond my wildest dreams. This sort of stability fills and expands my heart in ways our desperate push and pull used to.

“This is absolute fucking trash.” He says. “I just wanted to love you hard enough that you...I just wanted you to know you still had me, no matter what. That I wasn’t leaving.”

“And I wanted to lie to you so bad, that I shut my mouth and let you believe everything was fine. Shit’s real fucked up.” I admit.

“That’s never happening again.” He assures me and I just nod. Cuz this is his right, and this is fair, at the very least. “You want it, you have to mean it. You’re not going to...I can’t be… I love you, Rueki.”

“I know. I love you.” I say, and I only wish that I could imprint the intensity with which I mean the words, into him. 

\--

We sit on the beach, the night is chilly and I am thankful that Lea has as little desire as I do to look at the water. I think watching the waves lick the shore might break any progress I have made, so instead, we hide in a cave, feet in the cool sand as he lights me a driftwood fire. 

The flames dance, beautiful colors before my eyes, blues and purples and Lea grins beside me, a little boy, quite proud of himself. And I do think I enjoy it, I do think I’m impressed.

But there is weight on me. The heaviest weight of all, and as he settles in, handing me a wrapped up burger he bought us from a stand, the emotions teeter over the edge and words spill out of my mouth.

“I miss her.” I whisper. “Kairi. I miss Kairi.” 

Lea is mid bite on his burger as he turns to me, thin eyebrow lifted. Chewing as fast as he can, he swallows quickly and makes a move to set his burger aside, but I just shake my head.

“Dude, eat.” I insist.

“I’m not trying to be insensitive.” He urges, grabbing at my wrist, and like a house of cards, I fold, sinking straight into him. I don’t cry, I don’t whine, in fact, I just ease into his touch, as his arm circles around my waist.

“I really wish you would just eat your food.” I say, but make no move to part from his arms. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without her.”

“I know baby.” Lea urges, very pointedly not taking bites from his burger as he shifts me closer to him. I should swat him away, if I had any redeeming traits left, I would urge him not to waste further energy on me. But it feels so good, burning in his touch, and I--

It’s been so long since I’ve done something just because it feels good.

“I used to dream about her face, and now I don’t remember the details. Where freckles were, what she smelled like. Is her hair redder than I remember it?” I lick my chapped lower lip, letting the thoughts drag with my tongue, and I wonder how I’m supposed to continue and not sound like an idiot. The world is quite literally ripe with tragedy, and I am stupid, to wallow in mine as though it is the only one that exists. 

And yet, I’ve proven that I cannot detach myself from it. That her absence will gnaw at the back of my mind as long as I live.

“Like how it was with Roxas?” He asks.

“Worse.” I breathe. “Roxas was safe inside of Sora but…” I’m so fucking dumb. “I don’t know what happens after death. I can’t predict, I mean, you and I have seen some type of limbo, but did that exist because we were Nobodies? The point is, I don’t know if she’s okay, no one can. And there were just all of these thing that I...that I kept seeing in the future. She was supposed to be my maid of honnor, she was supposed to be dragging me on these adventures and crashing on our couch. I should have lectured her for exhausting herself and she should have told me she’d slow down once she’d seen everything. We should be talking about how she finally kissed Sora, we should be spending days on the Island. And I know it’s like the dumbest thing, but there’s...there’s so much love in my heart still for her, I feel like it’s spilling over, it’s about to burst, and I can’t give it to anyone else, it’s only made for her, and I just don’t know what to do with it, so it’s eating me and…”

I can’t breathe again. I pinch my eyes shut, grabbing at fistfulls of sand. I count the breaths as they fill my lungs, count but don’t shatter. 

“And I don’t know why I have to be such a jackass, I don’t know why I can’t just feel things like a normal person, but I wanted so badly for her light to be mine, for it to burn away all of the things I hated about myself, still hate about myself. But I could live without all of that if she were just with me. I don’t know who I’m supposed to share every feeling with, I don’t know who I’m supposed to complain about Isa to. I don’t know who is supposed to make terrible snacks with me, because I have never had a friend like her, the only person I’ve ever been on that level with was you but…” This time, I reach out and squeeze his hand, with all of my might, squeeze it so tight that I wait for him to complain or shake me off, but he doesn’t, so I loosen my grip of my own accord and count again in my head, down from ten, because now is not the time to cry. “I didn’t want things to feel like this. You were deprived of a life for so long, we should be allowed more than just each other, but now I can’t… There’s no one like her. There’s no one I want to connect to like her.” Oh fuck, the tears are so threatening, they’re burning my eyes, burning like the driftwood. “She was there when you were busy, she was there to pick up the pieces of me, she’s as much a part of me as you are, as I am. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be me without her.”

And I don’t. Visions of smiles, of laughter, of lying on the sand, of chick flicks and popcorn. So many could have beens and even more should have beens, and I decide, I am no more a mess now than I have ever been capable of before. Rather, every part of me that I have shoved down, that I have never wanted to see, is coming forward, lashing out against everything that tries to feel like home because she was--

Because she was my home. Because she was one of the few less broken than me, and I was a mess but I was her mess, and bathed in her glow, rapture bloomed inside of me.

“It just doesn’t feel right that I’m alive and she’s not. I died twice, I got to come back both times. She gets nothing. I just don’t think it’s fair.”

Lea’s burger is forgotten. His arms are so tight around me as he pulls me onto his lap, I think he might be trying to suffocate me, but damn, does it feel nice. And I don’t mind so much, being suffocated by him, because as time passes, as we steal motorcycles and set driftwood fires and lie awake, counting stars, we make more memories.

I feel so guilty, guilty beyond words.

Because I don’t get more memories with her, I don’t get another time with her, I don’t get to go back home and tell her how much fun Lea and I had on vacation. And I do feel so very dirty for that, I would trade, I don’t think that is deniable.

But the fact of the matter is, I am all open wounds and Lea cauterizes like it is his sole purpose for being, sealing off the ache, stopping infection in its tracks, halting pain, even before it gets the chance to spread.

There are gaps, there are things missing. I don’t think I can possibly fill the spaces where Kairi is supposed to be, but I think that between Lea and I, we can help me heal around the endless hole.

\--

It’s impossible to move. My limbs are sluggish, my body is heavy, staring up at the stars from the clearing we are in, my thoughts stray anywhere from the hazy dawn that creeps in upon the horizon. I’m almost certain that I did not sleep. In fact, I can count more instances in which I lay awake, contemplating how exhausted I will end up being if only I could get to sleep right now. 

My brain is in hyperdrive though, working too fast for me to keep up with, derailing as fast as it comes to life. I tap out stray beats on my thigh with my fingertips, but my lack of musical affinity instantly has me fed up, and it isn’t long before I climb out of the sleeping bag that Lea and I have nestled into, moving as cautiously as possible, so not to disturb him. My restless fingers begins tracing shapes in the dirt, head in one of my hands while I toy with the magic based transmutation circle I etched out in Radiant Garden, what seems like lifetimes ago. There is a new sort of clarity as my hands begin working of their own accord, as though they were made for this.

My gut twists.

Xigbar. The mumbled nonsense I was too spaced out to process in the Keyblade Graveyard. What the fuck did he mean about me being made for these types of things, and more to the point, why the fuck did he make it his damn mission to send me to Transmute City when Radiant Garden fell? I find myself getting increasingly more frustrated as I try to piece together bits of a puzzle, blindfolded, but with each purse of my lips and furrow of my brow, my hands seem to work quicker, extending lines, drawing swirls in strange and different places. 

There is a part of me that says that Xigbar is hardly the patient type, that he longs for instant gratification in ways that I do, and that if he had anything nefarious planned, it would certainly be obvious, seven months after our last interaction. But there is a much more vocal part of me that screams, to any inch of my mind that will listen, that Xigbar’s entire life has been a long game. My very birth, perhaps, has been his goal, all of the sly smiles and the pointed taunts, comments that I thought had everything to do with his desire for excitement, seem to have infinitely more meaning now. Now, when it is blatant that he has much bigger plans for me, and that he might have been gunning for me since day one, but that feels far from a good sign. What he chases, what he intends to use me as a tool for are still unknown, even as I try to peel back layers and piece together every moment from our interactions.

And then, there was the look on his face when he saw my ring.

There was his weight as I held him up, in my arms. There is the way that I can still remember how he smells.

I have no romantic inclinations toward Xigbar, that I am quite sure of. But there is a pull toward him not utterly unlike the gravitational one I feel toward Lea, that has me curious, that sucks me in and pleads for more. Of course, the very simple answer is that I have a very specific type I am intrigued by and until the day comes that a clever riddle doesn’t make me borderline salivate, I will always be lured in by that type, in some way shape or form.

And yet, in my crisis of being, I wonder if there is something more mythical involved. Almost everything in my life has scattered to the winds of disbelief, turned into something I cannot wrap my mind peacefully around. There is light and rebirth and Key shaped swords. There are creatures born of darkness and I have been one of them, there are strange memories hidden in Ventus’ mind that I haven’t even had a chance to confront him about and puppets living lives and feeling things and wearing the face of the girl I love most. Is it so strange to wonder, is my fascination and irritation with the Freeshooter is cause for concern? 

A hot hand touches my shoulder and I jump, falling forward, dissolving the transmutation circle I have drawn in the ground. 

“Fuck, Lea.” I choke, laughing dryly, shaking my head at my own airheadedness. He rises like the sun anymore, I should not be surprised that he is already waking.

“You okay, sweetheart? It’s not like you to be out of bed at a normal time.” And I hear the unspoken comment in his voice. It’s not like me to be up at this time unless I’m having a meltdown. And it’s not that I’m not casually losing my mind, but I think, comparatively, this tornado of my thoughts doesn’t seem so bad. 

It isn’t lost on me that the reason my thoughts are spiralling now, the only reason is because this is the first time I’ve allowed them to. When they aren’t a menage of KairiSoraKairiSoraKairiSora, they are pointedly blank. Because until this singular moment, I have not trusted my own mind, it has been flightu and cruel, but…

As I right myself, I realize that I am the one in control again. My thoughts and heart are my own and there is nothing in this world or the next that can take that from me. Not ever again, not with…

Not with Lea right beside me, emerald eyes gleaming in the rising sun. My breath catches in my throat as I regard them and he cocks his head to the side.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, you’re just fucking pretty.” I tell him, and he actually colors? It dawns on me that beyond the moment I leapt at him in the shady motel room, I have certainly not let my mind wander to being interested in him. And yet now, he is a hymn, his name, his face, his perfect, stupid voice. He is a song I want to listen to on repeat, a painting I must own, a moment in time that I absolutely must capture before he fades.

This wouldn’t be possible, I wouldn’t be possible were it not for the sheer force he has loved me with.

He chuckles, shaking his head. 

“Get up, you’re delirious.” He tells me, offering me a hand, and I take it, without hesitation, allowing him to scoop me dangerously close to him.

“You’re still hot.” I remind, not disagreeing with him. And while his touches have been innocent, patient, chaste, his mouth is not, as it finds mine, hands now cupping my face. I love the way we fit into one another, I think that he has healed me like a piercing, and while there is still a mark, showing Kairi’s absence, it does not mean I am raw and open wide, it doesn’t mean I have to ache eternally. 

We part, but he keeps his forehead close and I keep myself high on the heat of his breath, fingers tangling through his shirt. 

“Um...thank you.” I say, dragging my teeth across my lower lip. “For like, literally everything. I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do without you.”

My levels of codependence know no bounds, but he’s my partner, and I’m more than okay trusting him.

“Hey, come on, don’t be like that.” He chuckles, making a face. “You’re my girl, of course I’m gonna be there for you. Isn’t there a whole for better or for worse, thing?”

“We’re not married yet, you can still run for the hills.” I offer though my brain screams in protest, because damn, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without him.

“Not a chance, you’re not that lucky.” He kisses my nose. “In fact, I’m gonna even out the score right now, let’s go for a run. A guy in town said these trails are awesome, and you and I are getting soft.”

I want to tell him that I was having a hard time sleeping and a hard time moving. I want to tell him that I long to be soft because my body and my mind cannot handle another war, another thing to be hard for. I want to tell him that I’m lucid and want to kiss and touch and hide back inside of the sleeping bag and whisper words of affirmation to him.

But that’s not us, that’s not who we are. And I don’t think words can express how I miss the light hearted, teasing dynamic we used to fall so easily into.

So, I make a face.

“Running is disgusting.” I say. He snorts.

“Coming from the fastest person I know.” He counters, standing upright.

“Yeah, in short bursts I’m explosive. Long term moving is legitimately the worst thing ever though.” I insist. He rolls his eyes, ruffles my hair and takes off in a sprint.

I hate him.

I chase after him.

I love him.

We race through trails, up a hill, until my lungs are screaming and my legs are burning. I don’t understand the idea of a runners high, I do not get one. But on the top of the hill, sweating, laying on my back in the early morning sun, watching Lea, I feel a different type of high and don’t feel nearly as heavy anymore.

\--

It happens immediately, and I am unprepared. Or perhaps it doesn’t and my heart was cold and dead and incapable of sensing the delicate nuances I used to feel so sensitive to.

But I wake one morning after having slept beautifully, and I don’t flinch away from Lea’s touch. Instead, I hum, pressing my cheek to his chest. I feel his breath still, as though he is a young boy who captured a small animal and is unsure of what to do with it, now that he has caught it. And I cannot blame him. There are two sides of me, feral and unfeeling, and how impossible it must be for him to wonder which side he will get on any given day. 

So I move my hand up, fingertips bumping and brushing his until our fingers lace. My ring feels incredibly heavy upon my finger. 

“It’s okay.” 

And I don’t know if I believe the words, even as they spill from my own lips, but I think I that maybe, there is a part of me, that one day can.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to say this chapter is more than just porn....but it isn't by too much. My poor babies have been through so much, I just want them to have a nice, soft moment. That's not too much to ask, is it?
> 
> Also I put a question up on the gram, but wanted to get more feedback from those of you that don't follow the Rueki page. I know for me personally, I get really excited about stories when I know we are getting content, but a good chunk of the stuff I've read after the release of KH3 I get distracted by Cuz it's obviously gonna be quite different from the cannon. Now don't get it twisted, I'm all down for writing a theory fic, but are you guys down or do you get weird ocd like me? Should I wait for Re:mind to get more content, and in the mean time write a small side piece of chapters from "Let It Burn" and "From The Ashes" from Axel's POV or just proceed and ignore the things in the story that deviate from cannon?  
> Lemme know!

XLII.

“Where are we?” I wake in a hammock, lying on my back, pressed to Lea’s chest, limbs tangled with his. He is impossibly warm, and in the balmy, tropical heat of wherever the hell we are, with the sun searing into us, the temperature is almost unbearable. Almost, but there’s a wet burst of heat at my shoulder that sends my eyes rolling back into my head. An empty cry spills from my lips and I jolt upward, rocking the shaky structure of the hammock as I tumble to the ground, into white sand. Blinking back sunspots, I look around, discovering that Lea and I are comfortably lounging on a beach, possibly just after dawn, because with the exception of a woman wearing socks and sandals, on the phone, and a man with tanlines of a T-shirt, the area around us is all but deserted. Memories come rushing back, but I don’t know where to begin.

The past month has been incomprehensible, overwhelming, too many emotions bubbling over into too many nights spent waking Lea with tears in my eyes. I feel nothing shy of a bad romance novel anymore, the parts of myself that I thought were unshakable are now undulated, blearing into parts of Lea that make me wonder, in a stray sort of way, if we are even seperate beings at all. My hand goes to rub my side and I brush the calloused skin of the thumb print scar on my hips, just past the hem of my skirt. I’m half awake, but memories of the moment that caused that scar are nothing shy of pleasant. My insides tighten and-- oh. That’s not happened in a while, in a long while.

In my waking haze, I recall falling asleep in the loveliest of ways, walking through a city with Lea, stumbling into him, on the brink of exhaustion, limbs and eyes heavy. I recall him asking me what I wanted to wake up to the next morning, as he has for the past month, catering to my every whim. And this time, as my eyelids flutter shut, I tell him ‘the ocean’. 

My muscles go rigid as I look around, fearing immediately that we are in the one place I cannot bear to be, the Destiny Islands. But no, this beach is different and I wipe the overwhelmed sweat from my brow, pushing my bangs aside in the process.

“You okay, sweetheart?” Lea’s feet are beside where I sit, as he hunches over, arms dangling between his knees. My unsteady heart clenches as I shift to look at him, biting my lips. How embarrassing.

“Yeah.” I sputter, licking my lips before looking down at the dirt.

“Another nightmare?” He asks, one of his hands tucking my hair behind my ear. I shake my head, feeling myself color just a little, so uncharacteristic for me. I draw a knee to my chest.

“You wanna swim?” I ask.

“Literally never.” He says. I laugh, dryly, and he sinks down into the sand, wrapping both his long arms and legs around me. “Talk to me, Rueks.” And although his tone is purposefully gentle, I hear a bit of wavering, a desperate plea for my heart to open up to his.

I think of this past month and how he has unflinchingly bowed to my will, submitted to me, molded himself around my healing, never once thinking of himself, never once questioning my every outlandish request. I don’t think this man is human, what he has proven capable of is impossible and makes me so emotional. Our entire relationship has felt like a battle for dominance, but at the mercy of my heart’s call, Lea becomes selfless. The tattered remains inside me have begun to seal themselves together and although it isn’t perfect, it is everything and it is entirely because of Lea. The mere prospect of being without him is enough to cause panic to rise, much like bile, in my throat. 

“It’s just...you haven’t kissed me like that in so long.” I remind him. He goes perfectly rigid.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push you, everything at your pace, like I said, I don’t know what possessed me to--”

“No, Lea, it was....like really nice.” Touch starved doesn’t even begin to cover how I feel. I start to fumble with my engagement ring, twisting it around my finger, but Lea’s hand stops mine, gripping it teasingly tight.

“I can do it again.” He offers, kissing my shoulder once more, tongue dipping out cautiously from between his lips. “That what you want?” He asks, genuinely begging for permission, as though the telltale shudder in my shoulders wasn’t consent enough.

“I’d rather have more, if it’s all the same to you.” He freezes up behind me, upon my words, and I promptly long to bury my face in the sand. Right, this is how it feels to not jump immediately into banging your significant other, and actually having to have a dialogue about these sorts of things.

Why couldn’t I have just healed my heart properly and maybe not become an absolute train wreck for half a year?

Why in fucking deed.

“You realize what you’re asking, sweetheart?” Lea asks behind me, squeezing my shoulder gently. “Like are you here or are you trying to get out of talking to me?”

“I miss her, Lea. Looking at the ocean makes me think of Kairi. In good and bad ways but… I miss you most of all.” I confess, setting a hand on top of the one that rests on mine. “I miss the way things used to be with us, I miss what I hoped we were going to be.”

“Which is?” He inquires, I snort.

“Doing face masks, playing video games and fucking on every square inch of the house.” I confess. He bursts out laughing, burying his face into the crook of my neck to stifle giggles, to ward off some of the attention his loudness is causing. 

“Sorry.” He whispers, shaking his head into my skin. My shoulder roll back just the slightest bit at the brush of his hair, half soft from having slept the gel off. “You are into this, aren’t you?” He breathes, words tickling my skin until I’m shuddering a lot more violently into him. His head pops up as he holds me tighter, hands working experimentally down my arms, toward my abdomen. I can sense every bit of his hesitation as his hands begin to work up the inside of my tank top, barely grazing the softness of my stomach.

“What gave it away?” A smirk flicks at the edges of my lips as Lea’s mouth once again finds the soft skin of my neck. 

“You want me.” The way he says it makes me think he is asking for me as much as he is asking for himself. I cannot imagine the level of unwantedness that surely has come as a repercussion of my utter shutdown. But I don’t want him to feel that way ever again, not when I do want him, not when I love him so much, words cannot describe. 

“I want you so bad, Lea.” I sigh, leaning back into him, hand coming to twist into the hair at the nape of his neck. Craned up like this, I press my mouth to his, nearly turning to mush at the heat of his lips. I don’t just kiss him, I taste him, I breathe him in, retracing parts of him that will always be etched into my memory, but fell to the backburner. The curve of his jaw, the sharpness of his cheekbones, his smooth skin. He is home and heaven and I do wish I were more romantic, that I could breathe these words to him like a gospel, promising to cherish him in ways my pride would never allow me. But instead, when we part, breath hanging hot and heavy between our bumping lips, I just say “this is a public beach.”

He looks around, green eyes darting to and fro, and when a catlike grin starts to curl at the edges of his lips, I cannot deny that my knees go utterly weak.

“C’mon.” His fingers lace through mine we rise and take off running. Through sand and surf we move, and all the while, I think of how much younger and freer I feel now than ever before, bathed in his afterglow, his warmth woven through me.

Lea leads me to the most delightful little cave at the edge of the beach. It’s completely secluded, obscured from view and is made of smooth, weathered rock. The tide is low, low enough where it only just licks the mouth of the cave.

“How the hell did you know this was--” Lea cuts me off my biting down on my lower lip, so hard that I gasp. With my mouth completely parted, he sucks my tongue between his lips, earning a very real groan from me as my hands fist the fabric of his shirt. My malfunctioning heart sputters over a beat as pulls away, forehead still against mine.

“Come on, Rueks. You wanted a beach, I wasn’t going to bring you to a strange new world. I’ve done recon here before, forever ago. I think with Xaldin.” His lips brush mine, tender in the extreme this time. “I’m not bringing my girl somewhere I don’t know is safe.” His gentle mouth nudges my jaw upward and it is all I can do to remain upright.

Every single nerve ending on my body comes to life as Lea’s thumbs brush my shoulders, down my arms, to my wrists which he promptly grasps and, in one fluid movement, presses me firmly into the wall of the cave, never breaking contact with my neck. Unsure of where to even begin, feeling needy and virginal, I whimper loudly, twisting.

“Good?” He asks and I nod, pinching my eyes shut. Good would be an understatement.

“Very.” I nod.

“You’re here with me?” He presses and I nod again, eyes fluttering open this time. He’s inquisitive, burning for answers. 

“Yeah, don’t stop.” I urge.

“Rough, gentle?” Lea cocks his head, and I don’t have an answer for him that makes any type of sense, but despite not a finger being laid on me, I’m beginning to burn up, remembering things about him that never fail to send me over the edge. The heat in his eyes that looks up from between my legs, the clenching of his fist and snapping of his hips as release nears

“Just be you.” I insist, utterly unhelpful. But Lea makes up for it, lips dragging along my skin until he finds my collar bone and bites down. My fists clench, above my head, fingernails biting into my palms as I shift, burning for reprieve. The sheer sensory overload is going to be too much of me, but this is exactly what I need, this is Lea.

I make a motion to tug the tank top I don off, but Lea just chuckles, lips working light as a feather, down my arm. Casting my hands aside, he replaces them with his own greedy palms, which only hike my top up just below my breasts.

“You sure about this?” He whispers once again, against my skin. “Cuz I’m gonna ask you every step of the way, alright? This isn’t happening unless you want it, got it memorized?”

“Fuck, stop making words.” I whine, weaving a hand through his hair, shoving him impatiently back down to where his lips had been latched, just below my collar bone. “Do you just like hearing yourself talk? Yes Lea, I want you to fuck me, what do you want, me to beg?” From where his head his lowered, his eyes flick up to mine and my heart straight up backflips. This pretty mother fucker. “Lea, come on.” Don’t treat me with kid gloves, just give it to me.

“Coming from the girl who wouldn’t touch my dick until I screamed her name when we were recompleted?” He teases, drawing a line with his tongue up the curve of my collar bone until I shiver further into him. He catches my waist in his massive hands, ensnaring me properly. “Now you’re begging for mercy? I thought you wanted me to be me.”

“Fuck, Lea, come on.” I roll my eyes, arching my back into his hands.

“Don’t think so, sweetheart. Gotta make sure you want it and all.” And I know he means it out of love, I know he gets as high on hearing his name as I do on him touching me, but I swear, there is just enough of a hint of sadism in his eyes to light me up from inside. He’s right, I do want him, just like this. He brushes my nipples through my tanktop and I make the most stupid noise, squirming into him. “All you’ve gotta do is say please, baby doll.” Oh fuck.

“Goddammit, Lea, touch me.” That stupid fucking nickname has me all kinds of dizzy. I keen into his touch just so that he can pull his thumbs back, and all I’m met with is the slightest brush of fabric. Fucking asshole.

“Come on darling, say it like you mean it.” And he’s smirking at me, eyes sparking in a way that I love and hate, all I want is to push his hands down onto me, to give him my enthusiastic and coherent consent, but I know at this point, he’s going to be a filthy bastard about the ordeal.

He doesn’t just want to know how bad I ache for him, he needs it. And I need this push and pull, the constant tug-of-war that gets me high.

“Come on baby, please touch my tits.” I sigh, casting aside shame with utter ease. He chuckles, head popping up, forehead pressing to mine as he leads me into a wall of the cave.

“Like this?” And by the grace of Light, he does slip his hands into my shirt, but only just, only to cup my breasts with the utmost delicacy.

“I hate you.” I mutter.

“Can’t hear you, beautiful.” He grins, lopsided and lovely.

“Come on Lea, just play with my nipples, please.” I beg, cranking my neck back.

“Good girl.” And he does just as I ask, tweaking and twisting my nipples beneath my shirt, making the most delightful little sighing noise, as though he too is getting off on this. And it’s like, oh it’s like wildfire. It’s like the first time in the library, it’s like reuniting in the shed. It’s like the very beginning as he gropes at me, pinching and flicking at my nipples, drawing them into a peak, and once he does, I feel flames ignite against my chest, nearly driving me straight over the edge. Every nerve ending feels hyper sensitive, screeching for more, just a little more, just a brush, just a flicker, I can find something to get off on if he just keeps his hands on me. But Lea is a bastard through and through. I’ve got about a minute of touch from him before he pulls his hands back out from under my shirt and I flat out stomp a bare foot against the rock of the cave.

“You’re a fucking cunt and I hate you!” I whine as he chuckles sinfully, returning to kiss my neck. Teeth brush across my over heated skin, but this time, he starts working the straps of my tank top down my shoulders, and then works the scrap of fabric down my hips, unsatisfied until it hits the floor.

“Why’s that, pretty?” He asks me and I wonder if I still have enough control over my Thunder spell to light him up here and now without damaging myself.

“I just want you to fuck me, come on please, Lea. It’s been so long and you’re so hot and I want you so bad.” I’m a humble mess, tossing his vest off of his shoulders, fingers quickly returning to his flannel, which I nimbly undo before he even stops me. “Lea!” I snap.

“This what you want?” He asks, taking my hands in his as he works the flannel back and forth in our hands.

“Yes, take off your goddamn clothes or I’m going to light them on fire.” I snap, scrunching my face, rocking up on my toes.

“Like this?” He draws a single hand away, traces one finger along my jugular and lights a fire in his touch. The muscles in my body go inconceivably tight, clenching into him as my eyes roll back. This is white and hot and between the heat of his touch and the flush of my skin, I long to incinerate. The noise I make isn’t something I’m proud of, but I am quite proud of the way Lea’s cockiness breaks as I press my chest into his, peaked nipples pressing through the thin fabric of his shirt. “Fuck.” He hisses and I grin, swelling beautifully as I feel control shift into my hands again.

“You missed this.” And I lean further up on my toes, trying to bring myself to his height. I rock the very tops of my hips into his crotch, savoring the feeling of his hardening cock beneath my touch. He’s searing, so easily, so mine, throbbing and hot as he grinds back into me, curling an arm into the cave, above my head, forehead dipping down into mine. Funny how all of the pieces still line up perfectly, how I can still press all of the same buttons.

“I did, fuck Rueki, I did.” The way he says my name shoots hot, pleasant tingles up my legs. I don’t know whose body is more obviously falling apart, his or mine, but both of our masks are mere tissue paper, utterly thin when confronted with the bubbling want that consumes each of us.

“Then please just fucking have me baby. You have no idea how much I’ve missed this.” I plead. There’s a desperate sort of groan that erupts from his throat as I hike up my skirt, never breaking the pace with which I brush against him. “Please, Lea.”

“Not until you’re screaming.” He shakes his head, fingers falling away from my chest so that they can dance up the side of my thigh, flames tickling tantalizingly until I am certain I am going to burst. He’s going to kill me, he’s going to send me over the edge without touching me, surely ruining any orgasm that may come to. He brushes a hot finger across the lips of my pussy and--

“Goddammit Axel, I love you, just fuck me!” 

There’s a stillness in the silence that immediately follows, and I am quite aware of my mistake.

“Lea, I’m sorry. I’m not clocking out, I swear, I want you, I know what your name is, I know you’re the one I’m-” His reaction is utterly different than the time I called him Lea when he was Axel. Instead, he crushes his lips to mine, sending my heart into overdrive, my insides fluttering. His hands are starving as they grope the skin of my breasts, the softness in my hips, the curve of my ass. He touches me like it’s forbidden, like it’s new, like this is the very first time. And suddenly my back is on the ground, further back in the cave, his arms locked so tightly around me. My face screws up as I try to stave off the disorientation that teleportation always causes.

When he pulls away from me, wetness connects our lips with a string of saliva, and irritatingly my heart does a backflip. This shouldn’t be so utterly sexy. He weaves a hand through my hair, brushing it out of my eyes, before sliding it across my cheeks. 

“That was fucking hot.” He all but chokes, voice crackling like a log in the flames. I am so enamored.

“So are you.” I wiggle my arms free of his grasp, only to lock him closer to me, twining around his neck. “Axel. Lea.” 

He kisses me, harder, deeper, sucking my lower lip into his mouth, the remnants of my lipstick smearing against our faces. But between the two of us, there is only a sloppy sort of desperations, hands groping hair in fistfuls. My legs snake around his waist, he tries to work at his pants without breaking the kiss that bruises me. Fingernails claw at his scalp, screaming for purchase as everything gets a little closer, a little hotter, my stomach coiling tighter. There is such a sweet pleasure that feels equal parts foreign and familiar between my hips. This is so much more than fucking, this is so much more than desire, than nature. This is the scar on my hip and the impossible magnetism and everything that is Lea. There’s a vibration and a rhythm and I love how it pounds through my veins, in my heart as he frees himself of his jeans and boxers and rocks into my soaked panties.

“My girl.” Lea breathes into my mouth, allowing me to slip my hands beneath him so that I can start working at the waistband of my panties. “My girl in the last life, in this one and the next.” He snakes a hand into mine and in tandem, we shove the scrap of fabric down to my ankles.

They kick aside so easily.

“I love you, Lea, baby. I want you so bad.” Maybe it’s the desperation with which I whimper, maybe it’s the way my hips snap into his. Maybe it’s the hazy, molten look in his eyes as they meet mine. But he pulls my hands over my head, fingers laced between mine, lines himself up and plunges into me, granting me every bit the escape that I need.

And then he’s inside, pushing himself forward, fully sheathed It’s so much, but not nearly enough, my ravenous body begs for more, more of this sensory overload, more of the delightful, depraved tingles that seem to spread like wildfire across my body. With an experimental twitch of his hips, he withdraws and thrusts back into me, and I meet him with a fervor that matches his, fingernails swiping up into his shoulders, pushing him forward, begging for more. Oh, does he oblige.

Lea moves with a sort of desperation that I should be prepared for, but do not expect. Each thrust of his cock has beautiful, staccato breaths spilling from his lips, and I am certain that I can see pleasure climbing each rung of his spine. It seems to take great effort not to spill into me right away, but he manages, hammering into me, relentless, groaning louder each second he is inside of me. With the nudge of his hips, my legs part further, and the deeper angle has both of us clutching each other, scrambling for breath until we are perfectly still, me utterly rigid, Lea trembling with effort. A breathy laugh tumbles from my mouth, and he starts laughing too, kissing my sweat sticky skin. 

“You look so fucking pretty like this, Rueks.” He says, staying completely still, but I rock into him, and he cries out. Even so, the gesture wills him into motion, so I cannot bring myself to feel guilty. He pounds me at this beautiful new angle, holding me impossibly tight, keeping me together, though with each plunge of his cock, I threaten to come apart. “Tell me you love me, tell me you need me.” He urges, and I do, with every bit of my heart, I do.

“I love you so much, I need you so much. You’re everything baby, please don’t stop.” I cry, which elicits a moan from him that makes me think any shred left of his willpower has burst.

“Good girl.” He drawls, as he rocks me back into the ground, rolling his hips into mine, filling me so deep, I swear he brushes my cervix. My heart seems to leap into my throat, pleasure tightening everything inside of me as juices begin to spill down my thighs, lighting up my skin with each kiss of the ocean breeze. 

“Yes, yes, damit, Lea, fuck.” I keen into him, rocking back, meeting him thrust for thrust, feeling the bouncing of my tits against his chest, savoring the teasing, almost but not quite there friction as I work closer and closer to the edge. But Lea works faster. I feel his cock begin to twitch and jerk inside of me, my eyes snap wide with realization and immediately, I begin working faster against him, rocking at a speed that I know neither of us can keep up with, but the reward is instantaneous. 

“Oh shit, fuck, hell!” Lea curses, hips slamming into mine, balls pounding against me with each snap of his hips. It’s too much to handle, but the air that floods my tight lungs seems to taste sweeter with each breath. I clench around him, snaring my legs around his waist, my fingernails bite into his shoulders. “Dammit, Rueki!” And he spills, violently over the edge, cumming in a hot burst inside of me. His shoulders shake s he struggles for breath. “Did you get to, did you get yours?”

When I don’t immediately respond, he tears himself from my limbs and pulls out of me, dipping his head down to my cunt just as his seed starts to leak from me. That hardly deters him. He swipes a long, flat, tongue across my clit and an orgasm like an electric shock lights me up and sends me straight over the edge. My legs tighten like a vice around his head, and once cognitive thought returns, I realize I am squeezing him too tight. This is also approximately the same time that he begins peeling my legs off of him, so with a reddened face, I push myself up, eyes level with his.

“That was…” I begin. Holy, mind blowing, a life changing experience, but dear Twilight, that level of corniness could cause nausea.

“Pretty damn good.” Lea answers, lying back on the ground, arms folded behind his head. I snort.

“I was talking about the overall experience, not just my performance. I was pretty damn good. You are out of practice.” I counter, smirking up as I lay on him. And Lea doesn't miss a beat. He brushes a finger across my clit and my entire body spasms, aftershocks gripping me. 

“Yeah?” He raises a thin eyebrow. “Out of practice?”

“Yeah, yeah fuck you, you know you're good.” I say, putting my shoulder into his, and fuck, I forgot how bony he is. Stupid, smarmy, skinny, gorgeous motherfucker. 

“You uh...You're good though, right?” He asks, voice wavering as he clutches my arm, drawing me near while simultaneously stroking my skin with his thumb. “Like, you there with me the whole time?”

“Very much so.” I confirm. “We should do that more often. And like for the rest of forever maybe.”

“Cool cuz that was the plan. You know, with this and all.” His hands dance down my arms, into my hand and down to my ring finger.

A sporadic thought pops into my mind and I know the thought lights my eyes because Lea chuckles.

“You wanna share?” He asks and the practical part of me says no, that this is silly, the drifted thought of a lovestruck mind, that there is nothing intelligent or well thought out about this idea, and yet, it gets me high, makes my insides ooze with warmth, and I bask in the glow of it. Is it really so dumb?

I remember, in the early moments of this third life, I sought pleasure out above everything. And this? It is the sheer epitome of pleasure.

“We should get married.” I say, voice barely above a whisper, scarcely audible. This is unlike me, in the extreme. Spontaneity is not my motif, it is foreign territory and I stumble blindly through it, but I look at Lea, and there is no hesitation. I look at him and am thankful that if I am blind, he is the one leading me. This is no time for second guessing, and I don’t. This is what I want, and the logistics don’t bother me any longer. The dream would have been for Lea and I to be on a beach, the dream would have been for Kairi to be at my side, holding my dress for me, for Sora to be seated and smiling. The dream is over and isn’t coming true and put simply, that is quite alright.

This new normalcy is something I can grow with, around, but only at his side.

“Yeah, we should. That’s why I bought that ring.” He grins, eyebrow raised, and I’m sure this has much to do with the fact that he’s not expecting this excitement from cautious, anxious, practical me. 

“No, like right now.” I say, placing a hand down on one side of his head, pushing myself up until my hair hangs, a damp, tangled curtain around us. “I mean, if you want to.” Because he was the one with bigger plans than me, he was the one who spoke of wedding colors and venues. If this idea isn’t for him then I’ll do whatever it takes to keep him comfortable, at this point. My stomach lurches at the very prospect of losing him, panic reaching for the surface.

“You wanna elope?” He asks, pushing himself up, chest flush with mine, splaying a hand across my lower back. 

“I mean, I know it’s dumb and only stupid gross teenagers in love, on the run fron their parents do this kind of shit, but like...I wanna marry you. However else it goes doesn’t matter to me. I wanna be with you forever.” I explain, sitting back on my shins, tucking my hair behind my ears.

“That was a hell of a drawn out metaphor.” He laughs, my mouth twists.

“My comparisons are rusty, cut me some slack, I haven’t had to be witty in months.” I say, nose wrinkling. Lea chuckles, eyes sparking, blazing like the sun as he leans in, setting a hand to my cheek. 

“It’s kinda hot, you being so sporadic like this.” He teases, lips nudging just slightly against mine.

“Don’t expect me to make a habit of it.” I say, trying to lean back, because his lips are distracting and magnetic, but he weaves the hand that was on my cheek into my hair, keeping me stationary.

“So you mean, I get my same old Rueki back?” He asks, and the words are quite ordinary, but my heart flutters. His Rueki, ugh I’m disgusting.

And I don’t care.

“Tragically.” I say, making a face. 

“Lucky me.” He says and his lips do melt into mine, and I think this might be the kindest rejection ever, and perhaps this is for the better. We should do things right, plan a real wedding, put me in a floofy dress, take a real honeymoon, gather our friends and family, set aside enough money to buy real wedding bands. The pop up thought is easily pressed back in. With a hand still tangled in my hair, Lea pulls away, forehead against mine. “I get to wife up the coolest person I know.” 

My heart backflips, my stomach feels as though it is going to fall out of me. I realize it is getting increasingly harder to differentiate between excitement and anxiety, but this is most certainly the former. 

“Like now?” I ask. Lea’s free hand grabs my left hand, he spins my ring around my finger. His eyes alone could light my world, eternally. 

“Like now.” He replies, climbing to his feet as his hands untwine themselves from me. I am not without his touch long though, because as he stands, he reaches out a hand, and I make a grab, lacing my fingers through his.

We dress, we kiss, we laugh, we cry.

And I follow him now, into forever.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is low key in song fic format. The reason should be clear by the end of the chapter, but to those curious the song is "Lullaby For You" by Jyongri

XLIII.

 

He kisses me like the sun, burning into me eternally. Hungry hands grope at the bare skin of my waist and I groan, shivering closer as cool metal nips me.

The icy tungsten of his black and red wedding band. 

I breathe only when his lips part from mine, cry only his name as he tugs me closer in our temporary bed, erection pressed to my belly.

His refractory period all but went out the window at the words ‘I do’, and I would be a liar to deny I’m not utterly as dizzy as he. Dull nail press into the skin of my hips, a whimper falls from parted lips. 

“You alright?” He asks. “You good?” And he hasn’t stopped asking that. Not the first time, not the third time, not here, going on five times and a nap later. I twist my calf through the sheet of the bed in our bungalow, savoring the brush of cool cotton against my overheated skin.

“Very good, are you going to make me beg for it again?” I ask, brushing my fingertips up the curve of his neck, to his scalp where my nails drag soft circles. I delight in the sound he makes as he whimpers, head dipping to my shoulder, which he uses as a gag. 

“Wouldn’t that be a fucking sight.” He chuckles against my skin. “You always look fucking gorgeous, screaming my name.”

“Screaming for my husband.” The word in and of itself prompts the twitching of his cock. His fingernails bite deeper as he struggles to maintain composure. Never would I have expected the devilish man with the emerald eyes and the black coat, who fucked me on a table in a library after knowing who I was for all of five seconds, to be so enamored by the idea of commitment, but here he is. Merely the reference of me being his wife or of him being my husband has him groping me, wrapping my legs around his waist, working into me until I’m seeing stars and my face burns so hot I feel I might combust--a supernova beneath him. 

Nudging his cock against my hyper sensitive clit would be enough to send me sputtering even if he wasn’t sucking the skin between my shoulder and neck into his mouth. Even if I wasn’t soaked, to my thighs and between the cool air and his hot touch, my nerve endings weren’t electric.

“Such pretty noises you make for me.” He purrs, breathing hot air against my damp skin and I keen, pressing my hips against his, urging just the tip of his cock into me. The relief almost has my eyes rolling back, but he pulls away from me, shifting onto his back. With a lazy grin and leisurely movements, he hooks his hands behind his neck and stares at me, batting heavy lashes. Were it not for his cock, standing at perfect attention, I might be inclined to swat him and call him a smug tease. But I lick my smeared lips as I regard his flushed cock, veins popping, precum leaking from his head and know he aches for another release in the same way I do. 

“You trying to be a cunt, or…?” I incline an eyebrow. He chuckles, grabbing my hand and tugging me forward, until I tumble over, hands on both sides of his head, kneeling above him. 

“I just wanna watch my wife’s sexy little body as she fucks me, that’s not too much to ask, is it?” And fuck, I think between the two of us, we could tantalize, tease and dirty talk our way in circles, sending one another over the edge without any contact whatsoever. 

But now, dripping hot and eager from my core, I waste no time with teasing. Instead, I crawl into his lap, sinking slowly down onto him, watching his eyes cross further with each inch I descend. Once more, he grasps my hips, and with an insurmountable impatience, he bucks his hips up, slamming into my cervix until a guttural noise spills from my lips. I shove his shoulders down, trying to force him into the bed, but he’s already regained control, thrusting into me from beneath, hips snapping in perfect rhythm to the way my body rocks, and I think there is something almost melodic in the way we touch. Not teasing, not taunting, just working one another into yet another delectable orgasm, savoring nothing the way we savor the pleasure on the other’s face. 

I fall in love a thousand times, with each pound from Lea’s hips, with each brush of his taut stomach against my aching clit. I fall in love with the way he laces his fingers through mine, leans up and silences my cry with his lips as I come, once more, shaking and sputtering.

I fall in love a thousand more times as he releases within me, clutches my hips and rolls us back over, locking a leg between mine.

“Let’s never get out of bed again.” He suggests and I laugh, grinning as I pepper his shoulder with kisses of my own.

“I think that’s why honeymoons exist. So that we can just fuck literally all lthe time without having to focus on the real life stuff.” I respond as he snakes an arm around me, tugging me a little closer. His skin nearly burns but I smother myself in the coals of what he is, thinking I was made for nothing more than to go up in flames. 

“Fucking honeymoon.” He grins, scooping me closer, squeezing my ass. “You’re my fucking wife.” And he’s almost delirious, straight up giddy as he beams at me. 

“You’re my fucking husband.” I kiss him. “You’re stuck with me forever.” And I don’t think he realizes how much I mean this, how much my world has been utterly built around him and how these past few months have solidified this. Ungluing myself from his side sounds like an impossible prospect.

“Promise?” He inclines an eyebrow. I beam.

“Yup.”

\--

There may not be an answer to this tune  
Why the sky is blue  
Is the change in me all true  
Now that you are next to me I have no fears  
And all I know is that I want to be with you  
Sometimes it’s easy to  
Forget the times we weep  
The moment makes us weak  
And all the shame I seek  
Memories exist for all the precious days my heart still wants to keep  
Somewhere deep inside of me

Lea smoothes the wrinkles of his shirt as I emerge from the dressing room, spinning around in a flimsy, white sundress, looking every bit as silly and stupid as I feel, I am sure. He takes one look at me, cocks a sly little half smile and grabs my hands, swooping down to kiss me.

“So I take it this works?” I ask, because the selection of white that one of the few shops open this early in the morning sells, is limited to say the least. I feel like I’m wearing a glorified bathing suit cover up, but I don’t so much mind as long as his hands don’t stray from the bare skin of my back.

“Full disclosure, you could wear a paper bag, and I’d still say ‘I do’.” He says, running his hands further down my back, just to the curve of my waist.

“Eh, well I need clothes cuz some douche ripped mine off of me, so there’s that.” I shrug, setting my hands against his chest. 

“I think you might need something that doesn’t look like it’s gonna unravel after one use.” He kisses my nose and gives me a squeeze. 

“I think I need a haircut too.” I make a face.

“I’m gonna level, it’s actually kind of nice that you’re back to not brushing your hair.” He teases, yanking a strand of my hair. I roll my eyes.

“Never thought you’d say that, huh?” I laugh.

“Well, why don’t you buy this, and go get your haircut, I’ll take care of finding someone to marry us and meet you on the beach?” He asks. 

“Yeah, you’re gonna do all of the heavy lifting?” I inquire. 

“I mean, I think your stylist will be the one doing the heavy lifting. We did a number on your hair.” He grins.

“Mmmhmm, drowned rat jokes. Real cute. Fuck off.” And with that, I clap his ass, depart for the register and watch him walk away. 

Four hours later, I’m emotional, trying not to cry off my immaculate makeup, trying to fluff my perfectly curled hair back into place. The humidity has taken its toll, but I still look like a princess and am enamored by my own reflection in the shop windows as places open up for the day. Enamored by the way the sundress sits on my hips, enamored by the way my scars almost sparkle, glittery in the tropical sun. Enamored by the false lashes and rouge cheeks and brand new auburn lowlights in my hair. In fact, I stop several times to look at myself in the shop windows, rake my hands through the glossy color and nearly break the no crying streak. 

I don’t want to say that she’s always with me, I don’t want to do something corny and stupid and act like this is some sort of gesture in her honor. But at the end of the day, I think I’m just about done lying to myself. And instead of denying, instead of shying away from the emotion, I giddily fist my hair, then release it and go bounding toward the beach. 

I should be unsurprised to see an ice cream stick hanging from Lea’s mouth. His hands are shoved into his pockets and he’s speaking, out of the corner of his mouth, to an older man.

A smirk curls onto my lips and with cautious movements, I spring, throwing my arms around Lea’s neck, nearly knocking him over. At first, he yelps, but seems to register the familiarity of my weight on him, and then, the shocked noise quickly dissolves into laughter.

“Hate to break it to you, miss, but I’m spoken for.” Lea says, strategically coming out of my arms, just to scoop me up and kiss me. “I was beginning to wonder if you just decided to dip, got cold feet.”

“With you that’s literally impossible.” I remind him.

“The hair’s cute.” He says. “Red light travels the fastest?” He inclines an eyebrow, and yes, I think, it most certainly does, and I think with that thought fresh on my mind, I will keep this up, certainly. 

What sort of sap have I become?

“That and...you know, having a little piece of Kairi with me.” I say and he grins, face breaking out in pure elation, smile sizzling like the sun.

“She’d love it.” He squeezes my sides and sets me down. I set my hands upon his chest, once more. 

A lullaby for you  
Don't you worry baby  
I’ll be here by your side  
May tomorrow be wonderful too  
Close to you I hope to stay  
Endlessly from today  
Even through cloudy days  
You are not alone

\--

One hand moves to tuck my hair behind my ear, another moves a massive turkey leg up to my mouth. I take a huge bite, feeling every bit a slob as I use the back of my hand to wipe a bit of meat off of my red lips. 

Thank fuck for lip stains.

Lea tosses an arm around my shoulder and I nearly stagger sideways. Between him and the heat of this strange, sweltering Kingdom, I find no relief, but lean in all the same.

“You good at math? Roxas is failing math.” Lea says, out of nowhere and I wrinkle my face. It dawns on me, this is the first time in months he has brought up home, and although I don’t necessarily mind, I feel as though I have nearly forgotten the world exists outside of us. I guess that’s the point though.

“I’m reasonably okay, who told you Roxas was failing math?” I ask.

“Isa. He and I have been texting pretty regularly, you know, just making sure the house hasn’t gone up in flames.” He explains. This shouldn’t surprise me, I suppose, but I feel dirty at the mention of Isa’s name. Of the debt I surely owe someone that I never want to owe anything to. The scars don’t bother me the way they used to, what does bother me is the fact that I have lived inside of his head in my own way. The fact of the matter is that I understand him in ways I have never wanted to understand anyone, and he was not one I strove to connect to. I still don’t want that connection. And I felt no guilt previously, because he offered me an escape, he offered me neutrality that we have never granted each other, and in return, he was supposed to get Lea. But the outcome has not been so simple, and now here I am, his friend’s arm around my shoulder. How is it possible for the two of us to find any common ground when once more, his very dearest friend has chosen me first? What hostility meets me? 

“I’m not ready to go home yet...if that’s okay.” I say, rubbing my free palm along the hem of my shorts. My eyes flick way from Lea’s, and he certainly notices because he tugs me in tighter and kisses my temple.

“Sure, no rush. We don’t need to go home, we can just freeload and commit petty theft to get by until we die.” He shrugs, and just like that, aftershocks trickle in, electricity popping just slightly in my hands, just enough for me to drop the turkey leg, just enough that my face contorts, jaw tensing at the feeling of my own spark crackling on my leg. Lea’s eyes become saucers, he untucks his arm from my shoulder, picks up my turkey leg and discards it and his mostly eaten one in a nearby trash. “Hey, what’s...is it cuz…”

“We’re not gonna die.” I murmur, licking my lower lip, wanting so badly to shove the creeping panic back down, because it doesn’t belong in this sweet, tender moment. Why is it that no matter how far I run, I cannot lose this fucking demon on my shoulders? I hate myself so much right now, that I have no control over this, that I can’t silence my thoughts. I’m the one responsible for my own actions, I don’t want this, I really don’t want this. “It’s fine though, I mean it’s a joke I would’ve laughed at. It was just the right amount of stupid. I should’ve laughed. Sorry.” I’m so fucking stupid, I hate listening to myself.

But there are tremors, reverberations, monsters in the back of my mind that I cannot fend off. Lea tries though. He sets a greasy hand on my cheek and draws me into the softest, tenderst kiss he has ever offered me.

“Sorry. Bad joke. Want me to make some about you hating babies? Those are always good ones.” He grants me a lopsided sort of smile that causes my heart to sing, its own gentle glow working to banish the less than savory bites at the back of my mind.

“You’re stupid.” I say, with more warmth than malice.

“You’re the one that’s afraid of babies.” He shrugs. I want to tell him that I don’t adore defenseless infants, I do want to tell him that right now I’m hardly stable enough to even consider bringing a life into this world. But to say I feel like a different person now than I’ve ever been before seems a colossal understatement. It doesn’t seem so impossible now, for me to love something soft and delicate, something that needs my affection. I consider the deep love I felt for Kairi and how there is no displacement for it, how it all just pools within me, longing for release. It isn’t love that I can grant to anyone already in my life, but is it really so wrong or stupid to wonder if I can create another life to grant love to?

I certainly feel awfully stupid, the things I believed true about myself don’t seem to exist anymore, I am aimless, I am a fool. How long had I been such a cunt for about things that didn’t genuinely matter? And will I feel this same sense of peace once reality fully sinks back in?

“You wanna go find some shade? Play Verum Rex or something?” I ask, wanting to distract not just him, but myself too. An existential crisis is hardly something I can handle now. 

“Sure, but I gotta level with you, sweetheart, I beat the thing ages ago.” He confesses, rubbing the back of his neck. The death glare I shoot him feels very Rueki, so familiar on my face.

“You’re a fucking dick.” I pout.

“If it makes you feel any better, you’d have hated the ending. I was right, Yozora died.” He says, waving his hand as though this forgives everything. Instead, I playfully push him off of me.

“Welp, fuck you, we’re getting a divorce.” I say, making a move to stomp off. He promptly scoops me over his shoulder, says “nope” and carries me off in the other direction.

\--

Sweet dreams I do not see  
Cuz darkness scares me  
Is it because I’m still fifteen  
Or the loneliness in me  
Wish I may I wish I might  
Sleep soundly through the windy nights  
Just to dream of you tonight

“I, Lea, take you, Rueki, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, for now through eternity.” With careful motions, Lea slips a wedding band --gold, laced with rubies -- onto my finger and I glow. I am a sunset in his eyes, and if he thinks I failed to notice the alteration that I'm sure he requested on three traditional vows, he couldn't possibly be more wrong. Because death has parted is too many times to count and yet, here we are, here we stay. The warm wind on the beach kisses my curls and I feel every bit the romantic ingenue. I should be gagging on the saccharine sappiness, but instead, I could float at how light I feel with Lea's hands in mine.

“I, Rueki take you, Lea, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, for now through eternity.” And I slip Lea's band onto his finger, my touch lingering on his scorching hands. The bands don't fit perfectly, a side effect of a last minute wedding, but they're fine, only a little loose, a little imperfect. The look in Lea’s eyes is so heavenly that I actually need to look away to keep from drowning in him. Something damp hits my cheek and then again and again until I look up and watch a storm begin to hammer down, out of nowhere. Despite this, the humidity has not broken and my curls are ruined and my lashes start flapping off. I think I hate this world and once we're married, I am never coming back here again. My dress is a sheet on me, in grave danger of turning me indecent. But my mind recites every tradition about rain washing away the past and by time Lea and I are pronounced husband and wife, we're laughing hysterically as our lips slip and slide against one another. He shrugs out of his vest and offers it to me. I gratefully accept, wrapping it tightly around my torso. Lea thanks the man, pays him and as the man departs, Lea, my love, my husband turns back to me, setting hands on my hips as I try to blink back my flopping lashes.

“First dance?” He asks and I snort.

“Dancing flames?” I tease

“Fuck off.” He replies, grinning hugely. 

“Maybe let's find a place to stay first? I'm not sleeping on the beach in this weather.” I say, scrunching my face.

“Says the woman who grew up in a literal tundra.” He mutters, squeezing my waist. 

“Yeah, the Arctic, I can handle for days. Not this monsoon.” I mutter.

“Okay this isn't even close to a monsoon, drama queen.” He rolls his eyes. “Besides, I booked us a bungalow.” 

“Cool, so we can get carried away by the storm?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Ideally.” He nods.

“Well why don't you carry me to the bungalow like a good husband, and I'll dance with you as we're swept out to sea.” I suggest. And I mean it as a joke, but he does. He scoops me up, I lock my legs around his waist and he carries me down the beach.

A lullaby for you  
Stars will always gracefully watch over til it’s bright  
May tomorrow be wonderful too  
Take my hand and promise me that we’ll be alright  
Finding a place to feel at home  
You are not alone

\--

I feel the very second that Lea rises from bed. Feel it deep inside of my stomach, which knots around itself as I try to curl up a little tighter, vainly attempting to make up for the absence of warmth. I grip his pillow, tugging it to my face, smothering myself in his scent. My issue is strictly codependency, which annoys me as much as it troubles me. I know my heart is wrapped tighter around him than ever before, but I think my options are almost moot at this point. My once level headed mind has spiraled so dramatically, clung to anything it could to survive, to stay sane, and at this point, my husband is that thing.

And that troubles me, because the lengths I will go to, to keep him close to me will know no bounds. Already, he’s been allowed to invite the man who once plagued my nightmares into our home, and beyond that, my apathy allowed him to. I doubt there will ever be a time that my feelings in regards to Isa are not complex and plentiful, but I find that the vengeance that use to scream from inside of me has been worn smooth, like stone in a river. The potency of my anger has been weathered and I find, anymore, that my happiness is so tentative, and I’m just so sick of feeling bad all the time. The anger, the drive to inflict my own misery onto others, the burning need for revenge, they sit too heavily in my mind, on my shoulders, they push me to edges I dare not go back to. I don’t forgive Isa, on no level do I think we can be friends. But I do think that being cordial isn’t out of the question. I don’t forgive him, but I do trust him, and I think at this point that I should expect much more. 

Embarrassingly enough, he’s already helped me, in ways that only the two of us can understand. He’s already proven that he’s capable of being the bigger person. There is no reason I can’t do the same, even when a tiny voice inside me screams in protest. I can tone that voice out and must if I expect to keep any sort of grasp on my own sanity. The thing that came alive, born of my hatred, is far from dead inside of me. But it is so far buried, and the closer I wrap myself around Lea and his warmth, his sunlit glow, the further I claw myself away from it. 

The door creaks open and my heart warms once more. Rolling over in bed, I rub my sleepy eyes, push my bangs out of my face and look to Lea, who stands in the doorway, bags at hand.

“Shopping already?” I ask. He grins like a spark, lips popping. 

“Do you really not know what today is?” He asks.

“I forgot that time exists, to be honest.” I confess, drawing my knees up to my chest. “Is it our dating anniversary?”

“It’s your birthday.” He laughs, plopping the bags down on the bed.

“Really? What day is it?” I ask, and when he tells me, I laugh. “Dude, my birthday was two weeks ago.”

“Well, I didn’t know your actual birthday until now, and once upon a time, you celebrated today like it was.” And he’s right, today is the anniversary of the fall of Radiant Garden. There’s a part of me that finds it hilarious, the level of open we are with each other, all of the parts he has seen of me, and somehow we skipped over the birthday part in our ‘getting to know you’ phase, because I don’t even know his. 

“So it’s both of our birthdays.” I say, grin tugging at the edges of my lips.

“I’m a Leo.” He corrects me, utterly straight faced. I want to drown.

“You’re disgusting. Astrology? Really? I want a divorce.” I say, throwing my hands up. 

“Such a Scorpio thing to say.” He rolls his eyes, curling up beside me on the bed, long legs folded together.

“You know you didn’t need to get me anything.” I say, leaning forward, and as I do, he links a hand through mine.

“If I tell you that everything I got you was done with utterly selfish intentions, would that make it better?” He asks. I shrug.

“You’re still too sweet for me.” I remind him. He grins, a wicked, crooked look that could break me.

“What if I told you I used the munny in your bank account?” He asks. I stifle a giggle.

“I reiterate, I want a divorce.” I don’t. I really, really don’t, and to prove that point, I run my thumb across his tungsten wedding band. He draws my hand up, kisses each of my knuckles individually then tackles me into bed.

“Well, you’re twenty one. I’m twenty six, that’s pretty old.” He says, tugging me to his chest. I respond by slipping my hands inside of his shirt.

“Ancient.” I agree.

“So, I’d say it’s probably too late for me to start over.” He kisses my temple.

“Well then for your sake, I’ll stick around. But only out of pity, don’t go getting a big head.” I warn.

“Such a Scorpio thing to say.” He repeats. I swat him.

“Shower me with gifts already, dick.” I groan, and at this he perks up. I can tell that he is excited about this. I’ve never been interested in gift giving, I’m shit at it and receiving makes me uncomfortable as all hell, but Lea glows. I have a deep feeling that he lives for giving and I’m not going to sink his ship, not with the way he is alight, so fucking pretty and fitting so perfectly in my arms. At my side, quelling my anxious mind without having to say a word.

“So…” Lea says, retrieving one of the paper bags with a dramatic flourish. “I know you hate most booze.”

“But I’m legal drinking age in the place I actually grew up in. I get it.” I shrug. “It’s tradition, I should have at least one drink.”

“Exactly. And since we didn’t have anyone to pop bottles with for our actual wedding, I figure what better way to celebrate than to toast with my wife on both of our unbirthday’s?” He lifts an eyebrow. I snort.

“Unbirthday. What bullshit greeting card did you steal that from?” I ask.

“From a rabbit and a crazy man in Wonderland, actually.” He says, as though we are discussing something as simple as the color of the drapes. “Anyhow, before I was so rudely interrupted,” he kisses my nose. “I was saying. I went out and found a bottle of champagne, so it should be sweeter than that dry red wine we had before the war--”

He hesitates and so do I. Here are the aftershocks, here are the tremors. I squeeze his hand, he touches my face and kisses my forehead.

“You good?” He asks.

“I’m fine.” I nod. “Keep going. You got champagne.” 

“I got champagne.” He nods as we draw apart. “From the year you were born.” And with that, he pulls out a dark bottle with an orange label and gold foil on top.

“Such a sap. You’re too good for me.” I say, and to be honest, I’m not enthused about champagne, but I know Lea, and I know he didn’t go traipsing out into the snow without a plan. I know how firey his enthusiasm is and how he must’ve been planning this for an absurd amount of time to have put all of the pieces together. 

“I know. Cuz I got you a cake too. Sea salt butter cream and all.” He says, retrieving a small, two person cake from the other paper bag. I laugh, throwing my arms around his neck.

“Sweet but salty.” I laugh. “Like your wife.”

“Very much like my wife.” He agrees. “I’m not done though, you gotta stop interrupting me.” He grins, dangerously close. I twist my mouth into a pout, arms still locked around him.

“Stop buying me things, I can’t handle this kind of niceness.” I insist.

“I know, because you’re a sad, lonely gremlin.” He agrees. I snort. 

“And you’re a prince.” I reply.

“Mmm, king would’ve been more accurate.” He corrects, detaching himself from me and I think of how I love and hate him so. With the final bag in his lap, Lea reaches in and produces a yellow mass of fabric. My eyes go huge, the biggest, most ecstatic smile stretches across my lips as I greedily scoop up the scarf, bringing it close to me. I bunch it up and press it to my face. It doesn’t smell like him yet, but we’ll get there.

“You had Amaya send it?” I ask, he laughs loudly.

“Yeah, but I didn’t expect this kind of reaction. She knows, by the way, that we’re married. She asks about you all the time, she’s hard to hide from.” He confesses. I crack a smile, pulling away from the scarf but still clutching it to my chest.

“I’m sure she does, she’s got a big heart. Guess we’ve got a lot of people to break the news to, huh?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yeah. Cid’s gonna skin me.” Lea says, taking the scarf from me, and I make a noise in protest, but he only takes it so he can wrap it around my neck and adjust it just so. The very gesture makes my heart flutter.

“Probaby.” I say, scrunching up my nose. “But Amaya will give me an earful. And Del’s either gonna suck your dick or throw a tantrum, one or the other.”

“Eh, pretty sure I can abstain from his offer. Now you on the other hand, anyone ever tell you what that pretty mouth was made for?” He asks, brushing a thumb across my lips, and in his wake, he sets a small fire on my bottom lip. The sensation is an absolute jolt to my heart that leaves me clutching his forearms.

“You’re a fucker.” I choke.

“Good luck returning me. You’re not the one who keeps the marriage license.” He grins, and there’s that delicious glint in his eye again. 

“Then I guess we’ll have to tell Cid. And Del.”

“Could go see the others too. There’s a whole group chat of Aqua, Isa, Amaya and I. They all ask about you. Ven wants to help you, he and Terra both made Master.” Lea tells me and it does sting a little when I think about the fact that I shut myself out on such a deep level, never reaching for Aqua or Ven, not so much as introducing myself properly to Terra, never greeting Hayner, Pence or Olette. Ghosting Del and Amaya, pointedly avoiding Cid and Ienzo. Hiding from Riku any chance I got. Trying so hard to hurt my makeshift family in Twilight Town. But the mess I’ve been doesn’t need to be who I am, I remind myself. And late is better than never, I can fix this, I can rework and reinforce the threads that once connected my heart to so many. 

“That’d be nice.” I agree. “I need to stop and talk to Riku to. Apologize to him for being so absent. And apologize to Xion too…” I say, making a move to pick anxiously at my own palms, but Lea grips my hands and squeezes, stopping me dead in my tracks.

“You know she loves you. She’s not going to fault you. We all get it, you know? How much you miss Kairi. How much you love her.” Lea says. And I drag my teeth across my lower lip, bracing myself for words I do not expect, nor want to say.

“Isa especially.” I say, and it feels as though I have dropped a massive weight, both in the way I feel and in the way Lea looks at me, incapable of responding. He opens his mouth but with each click of his jaw, only hollow sounds come out, so I squeeze his hands back and try to look as humble as I can, because my pride truly will be smashed to bits, and maybe that’s alright. Maybe this is everything I have ever needed. “I think we might be cut from the same cloth. I think you’re supposed to hate the person who echoes all the things you hate most about yourself but... when he decided he wanted to ask forgiveness for what he’d done, he came to us at the clock tower, and I know he didn’t say it so directly, but the message was for me, not for you and I got it. He let me take his third life, because he wanted it ended and that was the only way he knew to tip the scales. And when that wasn’t enough for me, he gave me what I wanted and needed most. A moment to escape, because I was broken and dangerous and wrong, but at the same time, he sold me out because he knows how good you are. And he loved you enough to take care of you when I’m gone, but he also loved you enough to give you a shot to fix me. Because you’re you, and you’re warm and wonderful and everything I don’t deserve but want and need. And I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t think I’m going to disappear. I don’t think my life is going to come apart if I stop basing everything I am around hating him, instead of just accepting that he might get me better than anyone. I’ve wasted so much time feeling miserable and angry and I don’t think I’m suddenly going to stop flaring up at dumb shit but… maybe I can try to forgive a little faster. And maybe for the three of us, I can start with him.”

Lea is so quiet as he looks at me, but I memorize the look on his face. He looks upon me like a monument, like a wonder, like a work of art. I look at him and find heaven in his eyes right before his lips down onto mine. I am home as he sings praises on my skin.

I live once more inside of his arms, and I don’t regret shedding my old skin. Not when he makes me feel so pure.

\--

Maybe I’ll turn back to stay  
Where I came from only yesterday  
Whisper that the past is gone eternally

The bungalow is picturesque in every way. I wring my hair out into the ocean as Lea sweeps up behind me, setting eager hands on either side of my waist.

“You got a song?” I ask.

“Of course.” He responds by propping his phone on the railing. A tinkling tune starts up, I turn toward him, locking my arms around his neck, which is a great stretch, even on my toes. He cranes over, setting his hands on my hips, and neither of us can dance worth a damn, but I set my head on his chest and listen to the music and think of how it really does feel like a time to rest my head, and that of all of the places I've curled down at the edges of rebirth, his arms might be the most perfect place.

Home at last.

A lullaby for you  
Don’t you worry baby  
I’ll be here by your side  
May tomorrow be wonderful too  
Close to you I hope to stay  
Endlessly from today  
Even through cloudy days  
You are not alone  
You are not alone

\--

And altogether, I change. I blossom. I am absolutely blazing, heart open wide, in full bloom. As Lea wakes, I watch his outline; in the sunrise, he is pure gold. I run a hand through his half fallen, gel hardened hair. His eyes, which are heavy with sleep, flutter just slightly open, as he hums softly, leaning into my touch.

There is so much that calls me, things that I so thoroughly have dreaded, moments I have lost that I long to regain. Working with Amaya, watching Del’s adventures, ice cream with Roxas and Xion, spending too much time wrapped in fresh marital bliss with Lea. There are still so many memories to be made with Ven, Terra, Aqua and Riku.

There is so much of my life that is now within reach, a happily ever after yet to claim.

“You okay, sweetheart?” Lea mumbles, voice thick with grogginess. A tiny smile curls up on my face.

“Yeah, yeah I'm good.” And I want to say that I'm more than good, that I haven't had a nightmare in weeks, that I've become me but better, still I can't find the words. “I just wanna tell you, when you’re ready, we can go home.”

“Alright, ten more minutes.” And I’m not fully sure he is comprehending what I’m saying, but I know it feels nothing shy of magical as he curls into the crook of my arm.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, friends. It's my birthday AND my anniversary! So there's that.

XLIV.

Between Lea and I, there is not a masochist bone left in either of our bodies. So our first stop on our return home is to Transmute City.

Amaya has her feet propped up on the coffee table and Lucidia in her arms when I poke my head in through the door.

“Maya, are you--”

“Shush! She whisper shouts, and I take this as all the permission needed to escape the brutal cold of the city and sneak into my old home, which Amaya has decorated with cream colored quilts and pumpkin candles. There’s something serene and yet simultaneously cozy about her motif, it is the epitome of Amaya. Lea latches the door behind us and my eyes meet his, anxiety radiating from them. He certainly isn't shitting bricks the way I am, instead he shifts a hand into his pocket and starts over to Amaya without making me lead. Which I guess is fair, if anyone is going to endure her metaphorical door slam for eloping, it will be me. Plus, I'm the one who shut her out for months on end, I'm the one who needs to make amends.

Amaya’s hair falls in a silky sheet, beautiful, immaculate although the rest of her looks disheveled. There is chewed up food on her old pajama shirt. She’s wearing a pair of Del’s old sweatpants that he must have left behind. One slipper is on the ground, the other still rests haphazardly on her foot.

With our bags packed and the both of us fully rested, Lea and I chatted aimlessly on the way to the Gummi Ship, both of us pointedly avoiding the topic that we eventually got to, half way through the flight home. We are married, we both wear bands, bands that still haven’t been properly sized. We are married and the past few months have been nothing but blissful, the both of us riding on a pleasantly secure high. We are married, and now we need to make our rounds explaining to our friends and family why they will never be invited to our ceremony. 

Amya knows, and according to Lea, responded with nothing but well wishes, but the skeptical part of me feels we are not yet out of the woods. Out of the woods or not, she is a far safer choice, however, than Cid. So between Lea and I, we decided promptly to put Radiant Garden on the backburner and visit one of my oldest friends. 

“So…” She says, in the softest, most delicate voice, not looking at us at all, and I think great, the epic Amaya door slam is coming. This is words worse than being screamed at. “You eloped…” She drawls. Lea decides that this is the perfect time to remind me that he is disloyal garbage.

“Yep, Rueki was feeling spontaneous, you know I can't control her for shit.” Lea shrugs, as though this is nothing. Amaya looks to me, eyebrow inclined, and I fail whatever test she has in store for me, epically. 

“I'm sorry I was such a cunt for months and that I eloped, I'm a shit friend.” I blurt, just loud enough to wake Lucidia.

Fuck it, I’m afraid of babies. Or rather, I’m afraid the noise she makes isn’t going to stop.

I clap my hands over my ears as Amaya whips around, murder in her eyes, a far cry from the overly passive girl I left in this world. Maybe dating Del turns girls into bitches, but even as I cower in shame, I'm impressed by how Amaya has grown. With one quick scoop, she cradles Lucidia, rocks her in her arms and clambers up next to Lea and I. With a perfectly placid face, she shifts Lucidia into Lea’s arms. And my husband, he's nothing if not adaptable, he scoops the baby up with ease so that Amaya can look at me, same very still look on her face.

“Lea, would you mind watching Lucidia? I think Rueki and I should talk.” She says, never shifting in emotion. I'm going to die. I lived through Xehanort and now my most demure friend is going to murder me.

“Sure.” Lea nods, ignoring the cries for help in my eye. Fucking traitor.

“We can talk in front of Lea.” I insist.

“No he's going to rock my daughter to sleep, and we're going to go out and get coffee and diapers.” Amaya says, and without even offering me a chance to run for the hills, she dips into her room, changes into jeans and a sweater and all but tugs me out the door, prosthetic fingers curled around my wrist. 

The cold bites us the second we walk out the door, but I brace myself for the ice I'm sure Amaya is about to spew at me. Instead, she zips up her coat, hooks her arms behind her back and starts leading the way to a café. I won't deny that I watch her back with wide eyes and parted lips. But I tuck my hair behind my ear and recover quickly, chasing after her. 

“Okay, I get it, you're allowed to be mad at me, I'm terrible and cold and I always push you away, but dude, just yell at me or something don't ignore me!” I plead, catching up to her easily. She meets me with a very tiny and very forced smile.

“I don't want to yell at you, I just wish you could figure out how to take care of yourself. Del can,I can, but you always put yourself on the back burner.” She reminds me as my face contorts. She's not mad, just disappointed, the worst.

“I know, I'm awful.”

“Stop that, and stop deflecting. I have a child, Rueki, when are you going to stop sheltering me like I am one? We've been friends for more than a decade, when are you going to stop keeping things on the surface and let me in?” She sighs.

I don't mean to start crying. I really don't. And I try to hide the tears, though they freeze as they hit my face. I try to hide my hands as they shake and not from the cold, but Amaya's eyes soften instantly as she looks at me. Quickly, her arms twine around me. She kisses the top of my hair and rubs my back in soft, gentle circles. 

“It’s okay Rueki, it's okay. Cry.” She coos, as though I have a choice, as though I can control the absolute mess I am turning into. But her words do send a sob straight through my bones. I clutch the fabric of her coat, fists going white even as the wind bites them. 

“It’s just so dark in here. I'm so dark and so screwed Maya, you shouldn't have to be a part of it, you didn't make me this way, I chose all of this, I wandered into the dark, I don't want you to have to be a part of it. There are things you don't know, that I don't want you to know. I'm not acting like you can't handle it, but you shouldn't have to, this isn't your darkness, it's mine.” I shudder into her.

“Well what if I want to shine a light? What if we all do, Rueki? Lea isn't the only one who can light a fire.” She assures me but I just shake my head, upset with myself, upset with the stinging wetness on my cheeks.

“Kairi tried. Kairi tried to light my darkness.” I whisper.

“Oh Rueki, honey no. Don't blame yourself for that, please don't.” She begs.

“I know and I don't, but...I just don't want it...I don't want something bad to happen to you cuz you got too close.” I insist.

“Nothing bad is going to happen to me, Rueki.” She swears. 

“You can't know that. You can never know that. Kairi was trained.” I remind her. 

“And you can't be sure something bad will happen. The war is over, Rueki. The night has ended.” She assures. 

“I know, it's just so hard to remember that. It's so hard to come back.” Words cannot express how hard it is, how impossible adjustment feels, even after Lea’s support. Xigbar's words are always ringing in my head, screaming. I was made for war.

“I know. And you fought so bravely. But you're home, this is home. You can breathe now. You're safe now and any time you need reminding, I'm here. You don't need to let me in if you're not ready. I do want you to, but I know there are things I won't understand, but I know you. I know how much you put on your own shoulders. Let me be there to remind you when it's time to let it drop.” She's so good, she's so wonderful. She's not my Kairi but she's right, she is my home, my family and just because I'm not okay letting her go down into the depths of my heart doesn't mean that I need to shove her so far away. This all doesn't need to happen all at once, but it is something I can strive toward. A goal I can reach for in hopes that one day I can be at home, that I can breathe, that I can come down and rest.

“You're too good for me.” I tell her, trying for a deep breath.

“I'm exactly as good as you helped me grow to become.” She counters, and if I wasn't a sobbing mess before, I certainly am now. 

\--

Amaya and I spend longer than I intend shopping. There's coffee, there's diapers, there's the fact that I need new clothes. By the time we return home, me now donning a shirt that is glorified lingerie, a pair of jeans and a flannel that matches Lea's over my risque top, the hours have ticked impossibly away. Amaya even buys me a trendy pair of boots, that I insist vehemently, that I do not need. But she waves me off and assures me that I can pay her back when I return to work on Monday. 

We walk in the door, and to be frank, I'm not sure what to expect, but Lucidia sleeping peacefully while Lea stokes a fire is hardly it. To be honest, it might be nice to see Lea fumble a little more often. Damn adaptable bastard.

Amaya smirks, cheeky, dimples popping as we latch the door behind us. 

“You got her to sleep.” Amaya grins. 

“Of course.” Lea turns, eyes bright. “I get Rueki to sleep, it was about the same difficulty.”

“He does have the warmest arms.” I nod.

“You really did help her, she's never actually expressed emotion like this before. I had to get her hot chocolate to stop her from crying.” Amaya says, striding over to a Lucidia, gingerly rocking her baby the second she has returned to her arms.

“Told you. It was completely her idea to get hitched, she’s gone wild.” Lea chuckles. I make a face, hiding in the sleeves of my flannel. 

“Please stop talking.” I mumble.

“Oooh this is cute, she's embarrassed.” Amaya giggles. 

“I'll write about it in the group chat.” Lea teases. 

“Isa will think it's hilarious.” Amaya nods.

“Now you're all in fucking cohoots?” I press my lips together. 

“Oh yes. I like Aqua a lot by the way, she seems lovely, when can we meet?” Amaya asks. 

“Never.” I grumble. “C’mon, Lea.” I huff. 

“Come on what?” Lea chuckles. 

“We've gotta go hang out with Aqua and Ven.” I wave a hand. “They won't pick on me.” 

“Mmmm Ven might.” Lea disagrees.

“I'll text Aqua and encourage her to continue the harassment.” Amaya beams.

“You're terrible creatures. I'm going to let Cid pick you apart.” I snap at Lea.

“Hush, you'll wake Lucidia.” Amaya winks at me. But Lea rises away from the freshly tended fire, gives Amaya a one armed hug, and makes his way back to me. “Monday, 9am sharp?” 

“8:45, don't play.” I tease, my grin stretching from ear to ear. I think this time, she really does believe the promise I make. I feel so airy and simultaneously so whole, feeling like someone to believe in, someone reliable.

We are approximately six steps into the cold when Lea grabs my arm and spins me around towards him, hand gripping the loose fabric of my flannel.

“Are you wearing lingerie under that?” He asks me, and decides not to even wait for an answer. Instead he pulls apart the flannel, where I have it tied at my waist. Quickly, I slap him away.

“Are you actually hanging out in the cold?” I scoff.

“You look fucking hot.” Is his dry mouthed response, as he looks me over with devouring eyes. 

“Dude, we have a bed waiting for us at home.” I laugh, lacing my fingers through his. The crooked grin that twists onto his lips nearly breaks my resolve. 

“We also have that shed… Or maybe you just let me crawl between your legs while you fly us out of here?” This greedy fucker. 

“You are so fucking thirsty.” I shake my head. He chuckles, a deep, almost dark sound before dipping low, mouth brushing the shell of my ear, dear Twilight. 

“For my wife, always. Got it memorized.” He breathes, so I quickly jump back, face obviously flushed. Licking my lips, I tuck my hair behind my ear and turn away. He is going to break me and it's not going to be hard. 

“Race me to the ship.” I blurt, and take off at a full sprint, through the cold, face going numb as wind beats into me. Not even the icy air thoroughly distracts from Lea’s touch, and there he is, hands in his pockets, head cocked to the side as he grins wickedly at me from just outside the Gummi Ship. Dirty cheating fucker teleported.

\--

The Land of Departure is a beautiful as it is ancient, and as we touch down and I get a good look at it, I can’t help but think of the way it reminds me of Scala ad Caelum. Certainly, it has the same sort of heavy, powerful air to it. The memories I once absorbed from Ventus tell me that this world used to be a place where Keybearers once trained to become masters. Though at this point, which part of Ventus’ memories this came from, I don’t know. A strong part of me wants to inquire about what might be hidden in his brain. Another part respects the desire to keep things in the dark, and yet another part wonders if even Ventus knows what’s going on in his own head.

We unboard the Gummi ship and Ven’s got Chirithy--the cat like creature from his memories that I shoved into Vanitas, the creature from the Final World Sora went to--in his arms. My eyes go huge. Lea, I’m sure has no idea what is going on, but he knows something is off, because he squeezes my hand.

“You okay?” He asks.

“Dude, remember when I was telling you about putting Ven’s memories into Vanitas?” I ask.

“Sure, and you thought half of them were Sora’s cuz you saw Marluxia.” He nods.

“I’m not so sure anymore. That thing Ven’s holding is called Chirithy. And that was in his memories.” I explain. Lea’s face goes serious, brow furrowing, eyes narrowing in a way that is very Axel, speculating, calculating, plotting. 

“You think Ven and Marluxia knew each other?” He asks. 

“Ven doesn’t remember his past, Xehanort just kind of found him. Marluxia didn’t have any of his memories until he faded; and Xemnas found him.” I say, stomach churning at the very dark implications of what his words might mean.

“Xemnas didn’t, Xigbar did. Demyx, Luxord, Marluxia and Larxene were all his recruits. If memory serves me right, Xemnas was really on him about recruiting. Makes sense now that we know what his original plans were. I wonder how much more of those journals we found would make sense now that we know what Xehanort’s plans were for the original Organization XIII.” Lea says as my blood turns ice cold. Xigbar. Xigbar and his strange, memory altering magic, Xigbar and his absolute fixation with me. His ties to Demyx, who recalls nothing about his past and Marluxia, who didn’t recall his until the very end, and then me and my stunted memories. The connection Xigbar has to each of us is threatening, the fact that he is still alive is frightening, and I think that maybe I should speak up and say something to Lea but before I can, Ven is sprinting over to us. He sets Chirithy down and all but leaps to the two of us, arms twining around us. He’s taller now, and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s been almost a year. Fuck, how has time flown so unrelentingly. 

“You’re here! I didn’t think we’d ever see you again!” Ven scoops us close. “Aqua told me that you weren’t doing good, she said we had to give you space, but I was worried you wouldn’t come back.”

“Hey, cut us a break, we’re friends, remember? We’ll always see each other again.” Lea laughs, flipping a switch, all but forgetting the strange new discovery I mentioned to him. But that is what made him such a damn good spy, and such a force when I met him. He can conceal like it’s his fucking job.

So I can too.

“It’s been a hard time, but I did need the space. Some dude I met forever ago told me I could save myself, remember?” I tease. Ven pulls back, smiling hugely, pure light radiating from him, and I wonder how could someone so pure be concealing something so dark? Certainly he cannot recall everything from his past. 

“Hey, thanks for the credit.” Lea teases, sticking an elbow into me. I mimic the gesture and shove him away, making my way toward where Aqua and Terra stand, the former now holding Chirithy, the latter rubbing the back of his neck.

“It’s good to see you, Rueki. I mean it. None of us meant to be such strangers.” She confesses. I shrug.

“It’s cool.” Is all I say, because truly this is not the most heinous offense I’m choosing to forgive. In fact, I can’t say that I wouldn’t have done the same in Aqua’s position, distancing myself to stay sane. After all, Luxord is the very clear case that I’m in a strange new position of wanting to put my own heart first. Surely, if anyone else deserves this, it is Aqua. 

“Rueki, you and Lea haven’t officially met Terra yet!” Ven pipes up, all but dragging my husband behind him, which is a hell of a sight, considering Lea is still monumentally taller than Ventus.

“Guess not.” Lea agrees as the two come to a stop, in the cluster the lot of us have formed.

“Or Chirithy either.” Terra laughs, an uncomfortable sort of sound. My mouth twists into a tiny pout as I look to the dark man, because my impression of him was that he was the Riku to Aqua and Ven’s Kairi and Sora, respectively. But there’s a sort of guilt radiating from Terra, an inability to meet anyone’s eyes, save for Aqua’s. She gives him a tiny little smile, a reassuring nod and turns back to us.

“Well, Rueki, Lea, meet Terra, mine and Ven’s oldest friend. And Chirithy. He and Ven knew each other before we even knew Ven.” Aqua explains, turning my blood instantly cold. Does Ven know? I didn’t think it was possible but, if he recalls memories of Chirithy then does he have an inkling of what sort of strangeness is lurking in his past.

“When did you meet Chirithy, Ven?” I ask, in a standoffish and hard voice that has Aqua visibly concerned and Lea wrapping a hand around my wrist. Ven cocks his head to the side, takes Chirithy from Aqua and twists back to me.

“How did we meet?” Ven asks. Chirithy heaves a sigh.

“You’ll have to forgive Ven, some of his memories are still missing.” Chirithy says, with the wave of his little paws. “We met when he first started his Keyblade journey, I was there to help him.” He says, but my mouth presses tighter.

“You knew Sora too.” I say. Chirithy fumbles in Ven’s arms.

“How would you know that?” Chirithy blanches.

“Rueki’s connected to Sora’s heart.” Aqua explains, quickly. “Whatever memories he has, she does too.”

“Not anymore.” This is not how I foresaw this reunion going, maybe light hearted laughter, maybe a tour of their Master’s study, maybe some teasing about Lea and I eloping. But there are still missing pieces within Ven, walls I am certain I could break through if we were still properly tied to each other. The sorts of mysteries that lurk within him might answer so many questions about myself, questions I wasn’t even aware that I had in the first place, not until seeing Chirithy, not until picking Lea’s brain about Xigbar’s recruits. 

“What do you--” Terra begins.

“You are tied to him.” Chirithy murmurs. Ven’s head dips, he clutches the creature tighter, and when finally he looks at me, he doesn’t look much like light anymore, instead he is hazy, and so very small, more like a child than he has ever looked to me. 

“I can’t believe you wouldn’t tell me.” Ven whispers to Chirithy, who shakes his head.

“No, no, I wasn’t even sure. I told you, I sent him on one path, I can’t tell you where he went after that!” Chirithy sighs. 

“You felt it?” I ask and Ven finally nods, chewing at his lips.

“Felt what?” Terra asks.

“Sora’s gone, isn’t he?” Aqua sighs.

“Kairi too. They’re gone for real, both of them.” I give in as Lea’s hands crawl down into mine, squeezing tightly.

“I’m sorry. You were really close to her, weren’t you?” Terra, of all people asks. Aqua looks far from me, out to the sun, high in the sky, Ven just picks at his lips, so finally, I nod. “I just remember what Naminé showed me, when Xehanort had control of my body and you rushed in to defend her.”

“I wanted you to want to hurt Xehanort as bad as me.” I confess, letting the air grow heavier, dropping confessions as though once they are rid from me their ache will disappear.

“Rueks…” Lea starts, but Terra shakes his head.

“Killing him wasn’t going to make up for me being too weak to protect my friends. Only time can change that.” Terra disagrees, I snort, smirk creeping onto my face.

“Funny, I’ve heard time’s good for changing a lot.” I agree.

“Has it changed you?” Terra asks, I lift an eyebrow.

“Delivering Xehanort’s final blow, or time?” I ask. Terra’s expression lightens a bit too. 

“Both?” He more asks than says, so I shrug.

“Probably. Your friends have too. They’re good, and they missed you a lot, so you must be pretty alright too.” I concede. He laughs a little then turns to Ven.

“She’s nothing like what you said. I was expecting like...a little angry dog.” Terra confesses, and I don’t know who laughs harder at this, me or Lea, the two of us clutching each other like idiots while Ven hides his face in Chirithy in mortification.

“An angry dog, fuck me.” I laugh.

“You’re a Chihuahua.” Lea agrees.

“You’re like the stupidest Great Dane alive.” I argue as Lea and I try to right ourselves, still laughing hard enough to tremble. “You’re a little dick, did you know that?” I ask Ven. 

“I didn’t say you were an angry dog!” Ven insists.

“What else did you tell him?” I giggle.

“I told him to just let me explain you guys.” Aqua laughs too, bringing a hand up to her mouth.

“I just said you were small and had a short fuse!” Ven insists.

“I think ‘a storm of a woman’ was the direct quote.” Terra grins. 

“Ooh, now that’s flattering. A storm of a woman, you’re too sweet to me, Prince Charming.” I pat Ven’s shoulder, reaching right past Chirithy’s head.

“Prince Charming?” Terra asks. Ven just shakes his head.

“No, please, we’re not talking about this.” Ven moans.

“Oh, come on, you promised I’d get to know all of your new friends.” Chirithy insists.

“Hey, this is a great one.” Lea chuckles. “We all met as kids, Rueki would’ve been, what was it sweetheart, eight at the time?”

“Yep, you were all teenagers, Ven was my first crush, my Prince Charming who was supposed to sweep me off my feet and take me on adventures.” I nod.

“When was this?” Aqua asks.

“Uggh, I don’t know? When we were looking for Terra and he was looking for Master Xehanort?” Ven sighs. “This is why I didn’t tell you, I knew you guys would pick on me.”

“You’re probably right.” Terra agrees. “I can’t believe we missed out on that.”

“Chubby little eight year old me with no front teeth, barking up Ven’s tree, real gem.” I wink.

“Great story to tell our future kids.” Lea grins deviantly, circling his arms around my waist from behind. I make a face, attempting to shrug him off of me, but he’s rather difficult to cast aside.

“Gross.” I say.

“Yeah, can we just let this one die?” Ven whines.

“Eh, for the time being, kid, you know I live to harass you.” I remind the boy, fully smiling again. Because Ven can’t remember, there’s no way he remembers his strange past and I don’t need to search for clues to Xigbar’s obsession with anything. Amaya was right, the war is over, this is done, and I am not some chronically superstitious fool. Not everything has to have a meaning, so much is random happenstance and that is how I prefer it. “We actually did come with more exciting news, and you know, not just death.” I assure.

“Rueks and I tied the knot.” Lea pipes up, arms going a little more snug around my middle. I roll my eyes at the very thirsty display of affection, but a smile easily wins out over my features.

“Oh, congratulations!” Aqua’s smile goes huge as she comes over to us, steals me from Lea’s arms and hugs me tightly. I return the gesture, leaning on my toes to do so, forgetting how thoroughly I missed these soft, vulnerable moments with Aqua. They’re glimpses, nothing like the moment I just had with Amaya, nothing like with Kairi, but there is a sort of sweetness and understanding that doesn’t necessarily need to be spoken. We’re two extremes, but then again, aren’t two sides upon the same coin in a similar position? “When was this?”

“A few months ago.” I say as we draw apart, eyes finding Ven’s, and to my surprise, the boy is pouting. “You okay, Charming?” I ask and he sighs, nodding.

“I just wish I had been there for you. We’re friends.” He says, once more, so Lea just grins, coming forward and patting Ven’s shoulder, not looking upon him as though he is a child, but rather, as though they are both boys once more.

“You know Rueki, she’s impossible to control. She had a bug up her butt.” Lea shakes his head. 

“If it makes you feel better, no one was invited. I wanted to spare you all from how annoying Lea is.” I grumble. Lea turns to me, flips me off, then blows a kiss. Fucking perfection.

“Well it sounds like you guys are happy, we’re happy for you.” Terra says.

There are plenty more pleasantries I could name off, each of them sit comfortably on the surface, tender and sweet, but nothing that breaks me open the way Amaya did, and for now, that’s enough. I don’t think my heart can take any more heaviness. So the six of us laugh and reminisce and tease Lea thoroughly for being the only non Master of the Keybearers. The late morning fades into early afternoon when Aqua swoops herself to her feet and extends a hand to me.

“Can I show you around?” She asks, so I grab her hand and nod.

“Sure thing.” I reply, following her off through the greenery and marble until we are properly out of earshot from the others.

“The worlds are so different…” Aqua murmurs. “Without the Unversed. Everything is so bright.” And I scrunch my face, thinking to tell her I don't feel a difference, that things still feel so mixed to me, but maybe that's cuz I spent so long immersing myself in Kairi's brightness. “I wish that Xehanort was wrong, that the worlds were fine. I hate him. Terra doesn't sleep, and Ven still...sleeps too heavily.” 

I wonder what is worse, the horror of what is or of what could have been. My Kairi. Her Ventus

“What about you though?” I ask. She raises an eyebrow. “I'm not the only one who is trash at taking care of myself.” I remind her and she laughs, dryly.

“It's different.” Is all she says. “I should have been there for you. Me especially. That kind of darkness, I know what it's like to not be able to fight it off, I know what too much of it feels like, and to feel so alone.”

“I should've spoken up. You can't help someone who won't help themselves.” I shake my head, hair swinging with my movements. 

“I’ll admit, I wanted to. So many times I considered reaching out for you.” Her hands shake as she wrings them, I imagine it must take enormous effort for her to keep on with me. “But you are...you’re truly a storm in your own right, Rueki. What you did to Xehanort, I can’t say I didn’t wish I’d done the same.” Her voice drops into barely a whisper, I reach out and take her hands into mine, somehow feeling bigger than my body, strong enough to still a woman who impresses me.

“He ruined twelve years of your life. And your friends.” I remind her and she laughs, a hollow sound.

“And this is why I couldn’t reach out. I couldn’t have anyone normalizing the way I feel, the darkness that’s still there.” She explains. “When I sleep, I see myself with white hair and golden eyes, and it feels so within reach. It scares me. I wondered, if I let your darkness in, if I tried to save you, or let you make me feel comfortable in mine, what would happen to me? Would I turn fully into what I was in the Realm of Darkness, so without hope? Or would I reject it the way Xehanort did, and try to purify the darkness in myself?”

“I don’t blame you, you know. I think it’s impressive that you’re actually doing something better for yourself.” I insist. She shrugs.

“Only because I was afraid. Of what I could become. But...I think it just has to be part of who I am. Ven and Terra and I, we’re closer than ever. Without Xehanort, Ventus wouldn’t be in our lives. There’s a lot of bad, but I don’t think we get the good without that. I think it all just has to be part of me.” She says, brow puckering as she squeezes my hand and then lets it drop. I wonder what the answer to her question is, would she fall into her own darkness or reject it, try to cleanse herself of it in the way I think sounds quite nice. I won’t pretend the fantasy of Kairi’s pretty, vibrant heart inside of me, doesn’t still get to me. A world without darkness is quite tantalizing. But regardless, I think that the security she’s found from within is impressive. Certainly worlds above what I’m capable of. I do recall, however, the way that Aqua seemed to shut all of her emotions off in the final moments of the war. Maybe my own words should be my advice, maybe there’s something inherently broken in Aqua, just like there is something broken in me and I can fix her no better than she can fix me. Certainly I know myself well enough to now that I’m in no position to offer her life advice. So the two of us just fall to silence, late afternoon breeze passing through us. 

For two women who once promised to carry on each other’s legacy, I think this gentleness between the two of us is exactly what we need, exactly where we should be.

“You and Terra seem especially close.” I say. Instantly, she makes a face and I realize I’m wrong. 

“He deserved to make master. So did Ven, they both did an amazing job with their exam. But I think he took things the wrong way. I mean, he took the rejection quite well, but I didn’t think that granting him a title would change things. Not when so much has already changed.” She says, smoothing the half skirt she wears.

“He made a pass?” I raise an eyebrow. She nods.

“I’m just not… I don’t know that that’s something that appeals to me.” She confesses. “Like dating in general. Especially men.” Oh.

“Well damn. And here I was coming to tell you that Lea and I are married. Guess I should’ve waited.” I laugh and she laughs too, almost sounding relieved.

“I’m not sure you’re my type.” She tells me. “I’m not sure anyone is my type. No one I’ve met, at least.”

“It’s cool, you’re not enough of an asshole for me.” I nod. “And regardless if anyone is or isn’t your type, I hope Terra respects that. If not, my house can be a crash pad. Everyone seems to think it is already.” 

“He does, but I might take you up on that offer from time to time. I did miss you, Rueki. I wish I didn’t have to be such a fair weather friend, but I think it’s the only way either of us stay sane.” She says. 

“It’s good. I think we’re due for some sunshine, all the rain we’ve seen.”

\--

For the first time on our return tour, Lea is very visibly unsettled, tapping his hand upon his thigh, picking the edges of his seat, eyes flicking from to and fro, even as we land and the scenery becomes infinitely more mundane.

“And we have to tell Cid?” Lea checks, for literally the seventh time since leaving the Land of Departure.

“We are obligated to tell Cid.” I nod. “Dude, he’s basically my dad and I left him a real sketchy note before the war.”

“Okay, but I texted Ienzo to tell him you’re alive, I’m sure he passed the message on.” Lea swears.

“I’m sure he did, but I haven’t seen him in almost a year after being gone for like a decade? And like we’re married, we can’t keep that from Cid!” I throw my hands up.

“Oh, we definitely can. You may be a shit liar, but I can take secrets to the grave.” Lea assures me. I sigh, leaning back in my chair.

“I won’t make you tell him yourself.” I promise, reaching out, squeezing his hand, thumb brushing across his wedding band. 

“You don’t recall as vividly as I do, getting chased with a baseball bat.” Lea mumbles. 

 

“So he scares you?” I raise an eyebrow, because depending on his answer, I may let him off the hook to mercilessly tease him about a man six inches shorter than him.

“No, but pissing you off does.” Lea huffs. “You’re right. You disappeared for a year. I didn’t contact him, neither did you. And now we’re married? The last thing I want is for him to think I treat you like shit, you have any idea how icky that will be for all of us?”

“Well, are you a shit husband?” I ask. He flashes me a glare. “I know, sorry, not the point. You’re like literally the single most amazing human being in the world. I mean you kind of have to be for me to love you, so maybe I’ll remind him that I’m picky as hell. And I’ll take full responsibility for us eloping. And if he still fights us on it, I’ll cry and tell him I was an emotional wreck and you single handedly turned me into a person again.” And with that, I squeeze Lea’s hand while I kiss the tip of his nose. “Better?” I ask. He raises an eyebrow, hands arms uncrossing so they can circle my waist.

“Will you have a beer with Isa and I tonight?” He asks. My mouth twists but I do consent.

“I will have a beverage that isn’t disgusting while you and Isa have beer. We can watch movies and hang out, and I’ll be totally civil with him.” Or rather as civil as I’m capable of being. But not for Lea, well not completely. For me too. For the woman ready to stop being so angry about everything.

“You win, sweetheart.” He cracks a smile, leaning up to kiss me.

“Well that was obvious, I’ve got you.” I wink, and let him ride on that high as we disembark and make our way to Cid’s. Never once does Lea stop groping my ass, squeezing my hips, rubbing my waist. Nervous energy or excitement for tonight, or just utter horniness, I’m still unsure, but we’re standing at Cid’s door, and I’m swatting him off when my own anxiety hits me. I left an ominous as fuck note and disappeared for a year. Nevermind Lea, Cid is going to absolutely murder me. 

The old, wooden door creaks open and Cid’s jaw goes completely slack, eyes getting huge and very soft for just the faintest hint of a second. And then, just as quickly as vulnerability flashed across his features, it disappears, his eyes narrow, his mouth hardens, he produces a toothpick from the pocket of his shorts and flicks it back into his mouth.

“Well goddamn kid, ‘bout time.” He finally says and then turns to glare up at Lea. “This your fault?”

“That’s a negative, wanna let us in?” I ask, leaning a little closer to Lea, wrapping an assuring arm tighter around my husband’s waist. 

“Hell, kid.” Cid shakes his head, but takes a step back. My hand slides into Lea’s, fingers twining through his as we head inside. The door slips shut behind us, Lea straight up flinches, as though he has been slapped, and I suppose that if this is the extent of Lea’s bravery, I can’t fault him. This isn’t a life threatening time to tap out. “So?” Cid lifts an eyebrow, Lea clears his throat, I roll my eyes.

“I was kind of a mess for a little while. Sora’s dead. Kairi too.” I murmur. “I just...losing your best friend sucks.”

“Yeah.” Cid concedes. “Especially when they schuk you with a kid you have no idea how to parent.” 

“Or a best friend that you pointedly ignore for a year.” I nod.

“I get it, kid. It’s fucked.” Cid nods, putting a hand on my shoulder. “You keep her sane?” He asks Lea, who just shrugs, rubbing the back of his neck.

“He did more than that. He kept me alive. When he found me I was sleeping on the computer in an abandoned house.” I murmur.

“She tried to run away.” Lea explains. Cid nods. 

“If it weren’t for you, I probably would’ve dipped out right after your mom and dad died.” Cid says. “You good now?” 

“As good as things get, I think. He takes good care of me.” I say, eyes flicking to Lea’s. 

“You make her talk about it?” Cid asks. Lea chuckles.

“It’s about as easy as pulling teeth.” Lea grins.

“Good girl, talking about feelings is trash.” Cid clips my shoulder. “Don’t go clocking out on any of us again though, or I’ll hold you down while your damn boyfriend punches.” 

Lea and I exchange the quickest look we can manage. Boyfriend, yep, about that.

“Ienzo’ going to flip his shit when I tell him you’re here.” Cid says, and pulls a phone out of his pocket. Ienzo, my face lights up. Okay, this isn’t so bad, Ienzo here will act as a buffer, Ienzo will be so politely pleased for us that Cid will hold himself back, at least a proper amount. With a huff, Cid fumbles with his phone as I try to communicate, solely with my eyes, that we might be relatively safe, as long as Cid can get ahold of Ienzo. But no such luck. Cid heaves a sigh, shakes his head and tosses his phone onto the kitchen table, as though the thing isn’t breakable. “To hell with this, I’m going to get him. Can you behave yourselves for fifteen minutes?” Cid asks.

“Yes sir.” Lea lies. Apparently the face I make is a dead give away, probably because I look at my husband like ‘what the fuck are you talking about’, but Cid just shakes his head.

“Kill em with blindness, you’re too old for this shit.” He mutters to himself, which is a fair statement, because the second Cid is out the door, Lea snatches me up and slams me into the wall, mouth smashed to mine. He scoops me up by the thighs, mouth quickly trailing south, hips working into mine.

“Dude!” I whine, though it is mostly out of shock, rather than actual disappointment.

“You want me to stop, babydoll?” He teases and fucking aye, my stomach does an absolutely jolting backflip.

“No, but like, can we not do this in the living room?” I ask. Lea cackles, mouth hot and damp against the skin of my neck.

“Well where’s your room?” He asks, so I whip a hand, pointing directly toward the door, trying so hard to stay alert when Lea pushes aside the fabric of my flannel with his lips and starts sucking down my shoulder. He scrapes his teeth across the skin of my shoulder, sets me down and offers a wink before sneaking swiftly into my room. 

Fine, he’s so desperate? He can have exactly what he wants, I’m ready to pounce. Scrambling off through my door, I waste no time, flying toward Lea, grabbing him by the loose fabric of his flannel.

“What about disrespecting people's houses?” I whisper, even though no one can hear us, even though no one else is home, there’s something so tantalizing about pushing Lea over the edge, urging him to break a rule he’s only broken once with me. There something delicious about defiling my childhood bedroom. He grabs my hips roughly, tracing his thumbs over my belt loops, following straight down in a diagonal line to where my thighs meet.

“I can’t help it that my wife’s so hot in her new clothes.” He breathes, mouth burning below my ear, and I shiver into him, which has his hands reaching into my shirt. He gropes my breasts, dragging his teeth over the side of my neck. “Fuck, you just turn me on too much.” And to display this, he presses his cock, standing erect through his impossibly tight jeans, into my hip. My hands fly to his back, nails immediately biting him through his shirt. Damn.

“Take your pants off, lay on the bed.” I choke out quickly, heart sputtering, pulse hammering behind my temples. Lea follows orders to a tee, making a show of swiping his boxer briefs down over his cock, before it springs back up and smacks him in the stomach.

Dear fucking Twilight.

My face flushes as I tear open the flannel, casting it to the floor before making quick work of my own jeans and boots. The hook that connects the lingerie beneath me comes apart without an issue and, still wearing the teddy, I climb onto Lea, shoving my splayed hands into his chest. My pussy brushes, damp and hot against his throbbing cock, and despite the lack of preparation, it’s blatant how ready the two of us are.

The months we went, me scarcely human have left us both insatiable for every bit of each other, emotional, mental and physical.

He feels so good against me, my thighs shake as I press into him, lining the tip of his cock up just so-- 

And--

Yes.

My eyes roll back as Lea fills me, stretches me. My fists ball against his chest, dragging over his covered nipples, but Lea still gasps, throat rattling. His hands slam onto my hips as he shoves me down further, pulls me back up and jackhammers me back down, so deep he could consume me. 

“Dammit, Lea…” I choke, rocking my hips back, trying to keep time with this brutal pace he has already set, but he’s impossible, too close to the edge already, twitching inside of me. And my cunt responds by clenching tight, like a vice as it grabs his cock. Lea’s eyes pinch shut and a patherical little breathy noise spills from his lips. The sound is beautiful, a harmony that sits fantastically against the pounding noise as he slams into me, fucking me from beneath. 

“Fucking look at you, Rueki. Shit.” He hisses, fingers dancing from my hip, to my clit. A jolt yanks at me as I press into the teasing of his fingertips. Shakily, I draw a finger up his neck, trace his jaw before I lean forward and suck the skin of his neck between my lips. I’m starving and he’s all I want to devour. “So fucking pretty.” He chokes, weaving the fingers that aren’t working at my clit, through my hair. 

“No, look at you. Listen to you. The way you sound, those sweet little moans when you fuck me.” I whisper, breath ghosting his skin just enough that his hips pause and sputter as he slams into me. 

“You’re gonna break me, if you’re not gonna get off soon, you gotta stop.” He shakes his head, but I kiss him harder, teeth coming out as I kiss along his jaw. 

“I don’t fucking think so. Not when you were just so damn greedy, couldn’t wait to fuck my pussy. Is it so tight for you baby? So hot, so wet?” I tease, feeling the hand in my hair ball into a fist. The mix of pain and pleasure has my heart skipping a beat, eyes nearly crossing were I not so focused on how delicious he tastes. “And you fuck me so good, Lea. You have any idea how bad I always want your cock just…stretching me, filling me, pounding me…” I tease, stomach leaping into my throat as he works my clit faster and faster, fingers feather light as he draws my muscles perfectly tight. I sink down onto his cock, again and again, clenching tighter and tighter, thighs growing warm and tingly. And I can time it right, I’m certain I can, I know him so amazingly well, I can tell he’s dangerously close to the edge. But Lea knows how to play with me better than anyone else ever could. My own wetness is dripping down my thighs, onto his, causing us to stick so sweetly together. “Hold on for me baby, make me cum.” I say, licking the vein that seems so prominent now in his sweat slickened neck. 

The hand that once brushed my clit draws away and I nearly scream in frustration until it returns, wet with Lea’s saliva. The new slippery, hot, consuming sensation tips me just enough over the edge that I feel an orgasm wash across me, licking at me in waves. And Lea, he follows me immediately, the first pulsation of my cunt shoving him until he’s buried as deep as he can inside of me, spilling his seed as he holds me close, twitching and sputtering as he drifts down.

“That was…” He begins and I smirk against his skin.

“Damn electric.” I reply. He chuckles but sounds very much like the wind has been knocked out of him.

“You’ve got no idea what I’m gonna do to you when we get back home.” He shakes his head. 

“Fuck me.” I laugh.

“If you’re lucky.” His mouth finds my shoulder, gentle, tender, and I think it would be so easy to say like this, melted into him.

I should know better than to expect reprieve.

Voices sound off, loud even through the walls, and although they are definitely still outside, I hear Cid bark something and Ienzo laugh.

“Fuck.” Lea curses at the same time I mutter “shit”. 

Scrambling off of one another, I throw his pants at him as I scoop my own clothes into my hands.

“Hurry, get your pants on and go sit on the couch.” Cid’s not stupid, if we come out of here at the same time, there is going to be a level of awkwardness and probably a lot of rage, considering the news we’re about to drop on him.

“What about you?” Lea asks, quickly cramming himself back into his boxer briefs and pants.

“I’m going to run to the bathroom and get dressed and make sure I don’t look like I just fucked your brains out.” And I quickly do the clasp on the lingerie I wear and sprint to the bathroom, doing exactly as I told him.

My hair is unsalvageable, but that isn’t anything out of the ordinary, and I never don’t have a hair tie on my wrist, so I quickly pull it into a sloppy bun, smooth the wrinkles in my clothes, wipe my lipstick back into place and am put together enough before I stroll out of the bathroom, to find Cid, Ienzo and Lea all tucked away in the living room.

Ienzo’s single blue eye flicks up to me and the smile that crosses his face is bright and genuine; utterly contagious. We meet half way through the room, me tossing my arms around his shoulders, hugging him tight.

“Words cannot express how good it is to see you.” Ienzo says, squeezing me tight, more affectionate than I have seen him, and I think that in this case distance truly has made the heart grow fonder.

“You too, Ienzo.” I nod, clutching him a little tighter until finally he releases me.

“You’re not usually gone for so long, when you hadn’t even stopped to see Cid after the war--” He begins but I cut him off.

“You know why, right?” I ask, and still, there is a part of me that is almost afraid to speak the truth. A part of me that wants nothing more than for her and Sora to come strolling through the door now.

My girl, my Kairi.

“Riku has said, yes. Though he’s in a state himself.” Ienzo confesses. I feel a tear slip from my eye and quickly wipe it away, so, so embarrassed because if I’m going to cry, this is hardly the group I should do it in front of, our relationship is not equipped for me to behave like this. He got me through one panic attack, I have no right to ask for more.

“He’s been here recently?” I ask, Ienzo nods.

“Yes, constantly, to check Naminé’s progress. It’s been difficult, without Kairi to provide the spark. But I had hoped you would be here to… I know we didn’t have success previously, but--”

“Yes, of course. Anything I can do.” I agree, though I am still quite unsure about how I will look someone with the same face of the person I miss most, in the eye. Xion will be a battle, but who knows what Naminé will be able to see in my heart. The idea is mortifying, but this is growth, and this is sacrifice and this is the right thing to do, when my very nature is so wrong. “I think I’ve got an idea of a way to transmute her heart into her body, something Donald did in the Keyblade Graveyard, something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I don’t think we had planned for how much magic Roxas’ heart needed, I think the same will hold true for Naminé.”

“I think Naminé’s heart will require even more magic than Roxas’, however at this point Master Ansem and Even have figured out the logistics of transferring a vessel, not that I wouldn’t love to experiment with your theory.” Ienzo says.

“No, no, I get it, if something is foolproof, we should stick to it. What do you need me for then?” I ask.

“The spark. As you were able to spark Roxas, I hope that you are able to do the same to Naminé. Your relationship to Kairi is invaluable, and the level of comfort you have, diving into hearts is unheard of.” Ienzo explains, so I nod, curling my hand under my chin.

“Right, I’ve got some experience in it, I know what I’m doing and how to come out of it. You really think that my relationship to Kairi is going to transfer to her? I mean Naminé and I were cool, but I helped Roxas because Roxas was my best friend. Naminé and Kairi are connected, but at the end of the day, they’re different people.” I remind him.

“We do have Riku on deck as a backup, but I’d rather not encourage anyone else to attempt to wake hearts in such a traditional way. Sora’s demise was tragic. Being that you are not a Keybearer though, and that your gift was bestowed upon you in a different way, I don’t think your costs are the same.” Which begs the question, what is the cost of my magic?

“Hey, you gonna stop talking about the damn dummies you’re building and gonna spend some time?” Cid barks from the couch, and I turn to Lea, who looks equally as eager for my return. I laugh, Ienzo does too, but we find our way back to the couch, me sitting and tucking my legs onto Lea’s lap.

“Where are Aerith, Yuffie and Leon? It’s not often I’m here and they’re not.” I say.

“You know, go figure they’re all freeloading elsewhere.” Cid chuckles, and I think fuck, I might have grown up to be my godfather, there’s that.

“Helping Ansem the Wise reconstruct the rest of the town. Radiant Garden has come a long way, but there are still further steps we can take.” Ienzo says.

“And what about Demyx, didn’t you say he was here?” Lea asks, running a hand up my leg. Thirsty fucking bastard, we just finished.

“Well…” Ienzo’s mouth presses into a frown. “Demyx has actually…”

“Bolted.” Cid finishes. “What, a couple months ago?”

“Yes, and out of nowhere, which is well… I’m not quite concerned, I mean, after all, it is Demyx.” Ienzo nods.

“Yeah, that’s true.” Lea agrees. “Remember how often Xemnas would be searching for him and he’d be like hiding in a closet or something?”

“Because the acoustics sounded better.” Ienzo chuckles. 

“He’ll be back soon.” I agree, waving my hand. Which is the worst choice. The very worst. Cid raises an eyebrow, head cocked to the side.

“So you gave her the ring and no one decided to mention anything?” Cid asks. My eyes grow wide as I snatch my hand back, hiding it beneath Lea’s feet before Cid can count how many rings are on my finger. Lea clears his throat and doesn’t even try looking at me once.

“I asked permission. It was on Kingstagram.” Lea mutters.

“I thought I said something.” Ienzo nearly whispers.

“Can’t say a damn word in real life?” Cid asks, tossing a hand into the air. Okay, this is it, the part where I drown myself.

“Okay, so like, you see, the thing is--” Lea starts at the same time I say “you’ve gotta understand”. We both abruptly stop talking, look each other in the eye and beg the other to finish.

“You can go ahead.” Lea says.

“No man, it’s all you.” I shake my head. Lea glares, I sigh, throwing my head back into the couch. “I hate you so much.” I whisper. “Listen, Cid, Lea and I eloped.”

There is a very long, pregnant moment of silence, that all but suffocates every single one of us. 

“I should--” Ienzo makes a move to get up, but I yank him back down, with every bit of deadly force I can muster. 

“I’m sorry kid, I think I must’ve hallucinated.” Cid mutters, jaw set, shoulders squared. 

“Yeah, you know, come on, let’s go.” Lea says, clapping Ienzo on the arm.

“None of you are going anywhere.” I snap. “Look, we got married, that’s that. It’s good, and no we didn’t snub you, we snubbed everyone.” I say, carding a hand through my bound, tangled hair. 

Cid just keeps looking at me, with very hard eyes, expression unmoving, but Lea and Ienzo have me frustrated. He wants to play hardball, we can play. And we do, all stony expressions and stiff silence. 

“You're a bad influence. This was your goddamn idea, wasn't it, boy?” Cid barks at Lea, who is much more interested in smoothing imaginary wrinkles out of pants too tight to even crease. 

“It was my idea.” I huff. “I was a mess, he was so good to me, and it felt nice having something for just the two of us.” 

“You're a damn kid.” Cid rolls his eyes.

“I'm twenty one. So legally not.” I counter, but Cid just rolls his eyes harder.

“Not helping your case, sweetheart.” Lea stage whispers, so I pinch the back of his arm. 

“Fuck off.” I mutter.

“Nah, he's right there.” Cid finally concedes, leaning forward, elbows perched on his knees. “Ya know, it's not the fact that you got married, but the fact that your damn parents did the same thing. Didn't I teach you any manners?” 

“Yeah, in case you missed it, I became kind of an asshole while you were away.” I remind him. He huff. 

“You didn't knock her up, right? I will skin you.” Cid says to Lea, and at this, Lea actually smirks.

“Should I pretend to be afraid of him?” He asks me, dumb grin curling tighter.

“Ideally, yes. We were kind of dicks this time.” I say, pressing my lips together. Cid makes a noise that sounds somewhere between snarl and a snort, but overall, he hardly seems impressed, even by my gesture. I sigh, leaning back further into the couch as Cid crosses his arms tightly to his puffy chest. “No, I’m not pregnant.”

“I’m not happy.” Cid says, but seems to think on it a moment, with flat lips and calculating eyes. Once more, I see myself in him, in his gestures.

“Cool.” I snip.

“Mouth, Rueki.” He barks back, and suddenly, here we are, not missing out on any bit of my childhood, arguing as though I am teenager begging for an unsupervised date with my boyfriend. Many times, Lea and I had gone through what our lives might be like had the Heartless not taken our world, and I have a feeling that if we tried dating under normal circumstances, Cid would’ve sent me off to a fucking convent. “I’m not fucking happy, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be. Congrats kid. But I swear to fuck, if you disappear for nine damn months and show back up with a child, I’ll skin you both and give the thing to Ienzo.” 

“I don’t really want--” Ienzo begins.

“Welcome to being a godparent. You get saddled with brats.” Cid sighs, arms falling to his sides as he shifts, rocking back into his chair. 

“I’m not sure why you seem to think I’m itching to pop out a child. I had to take care of Amaya and Del, I don’t need to do that twice.” I say.

“If I may speak so boldly, I would say his speculation might have something to do with the fact that you eloped. Which of course, congratulations.” Ienzo is the epitome of polite, but also looks like there is a very dominant part of him that longs to go sailing out the window of the house. “Still, I don’t understand why it was necessary for me to be present for this declaration.”

“Because Rueki’s selfish as hell and was gonna use you as a human shield.” Lea is seriously such a fucking traitor.

“I change my mind, it was all Lea’s idea, he knocked me up, I never wanted to get married.” I say in a bone dry voice.

“You’re making me age too damn fast, kid.” Cid heaves a sigh.

\--

Naminé’s Station of Awakening is different than mine, different than Sora’s, but the steps were still the same to get there. Follow Ienzo to the lab, spend too much time getting hooked into machines, let Lea hold my hand as he injects me with something that knocks me out and promptly sends me spiraling--

Here. The place is nearly pure white, etched in powder blue and soft pastel florals, foxes frolicking about in colors like clouds, almost unnoticeable. Overall, it’s not unlike Castle Oblivion, there’s that same sort of odd magic about it, filled with mystery and secrets. But it’s her, undoubtedly, it’s her.

I take a step and a soft, cool light glows nearly piercing me.

“You don’t belong here.” Naminé’s sleepy voice says, and I can feel her shift, like the very earth itself.

“No.” I agree. “But I’m here to help.” 

“I can’t let the light go out.” I don’t know that she means to talk to me, that her words are even for me, her presence feels tired, groggy. It knows I am a foreign entity, but she doesn’t outright reject me. She’s been asleep for so long, forgotten for so long.

“It’s okay, Nam.” I shush her. “It’s Rueki.”

“There’s still so far to go. It’s still so dark.” Naminé breathes as I sink to the ground, setting a hand against a powder pink flower. 

“I know. But I’m here. So are you. This is how it is now.” I say, unhelpfully, uselessly.

“I’ve failed. I had one task.” She argues, dully.

“Me too. I made her a promise. But...you had my back in the beginning.” I remind her. “With Larxene, when you offered to take my memories of Axel. Even when you tied me to Sora.”

“Nothing to do without her. No way to guide the light.” And I can nearly feel her shake her head, nearly feel her shift as she becomes more cognitive. She’s at the edge, seconds from slipping under, seconds from waking fully, and this is all on me. I couldn’t keep Kairi safe, but maybe…

There is still good left, there is still purpose.

“So stop chasing the light. Let your heart be your guiding key.” I encourage. There is a very strong and very sudden stillness in her presence, in her very heart.

“What?” She whispers.

“Your heart.” I say. “It’s yours now. It’s not her’s or anyone else’s anymore. May your heart be your guiding key.”

“Yes.” She sighs, not so sleepy anymore, but breezy as the air, more vibrant than the wind. “Yes, I would like that very much. I’ve been so alone here. It’s been so long.”

“And we’re all waiting for you.” I remind her as she lights up, one by one, the pastel insignias on the floor glowing faintly with each word that passes between the two of us. 

“So much more for me.” She hums. “My heart. My guiding key. Yes. Yes, that’s right.” 

I’m bathed in light and as it washes over me, I wake up in the lab, Lea looking over me, hands shoved into his pockets as he leans against a massive computer. Ienzo smiles softly, looking over Naminé’s replica, which glows with that same familiar light as her Station of Awakening.

“Should I even attempt to act impressed?” Ienzo chuckles.

“Probably not, she already knows she’s good.” Lea grins, walking over to me so that he may unhook me from the computer.

“Rueki, you were fantastic, she’s alight, the same way that Roxas was.” Ienzo beams.

“And that’s just that?” I ask.

“That’s just that.” Ienzo confirms. “She’ll need a few days to fully place her consciousness in here, but there’s nothing more that we can do. I’ll dial Riku, let him know that she’s ready.”

“You don’t need to.” I shake my head as Lea finishes unhooking me. I shake out an arm, feeling very much like I, myself have been asleep for a long time. “Lea and I still need to stop and see him. It’s been too long.”

“Rueki, I must warn you, he is quite...anxious. He’s quite worrisome, he troubles himself with Naminé as though…” As though she is the last bit he has left of Sora and Kairi, as though her wake will return them and he can hold his friends close once more.

“I know. I’ve seen him.” I confess, though not often, and not in so very long. Lea turns to me, pulling me to my feet, eyebrows raised. “I used to sleep on the floor in Kairi’s house. When I wasn’t....doing well. Riku and I pretty actively avoided each other, but like the times we did see each other, it was pretty clear we were both quite fucked.” 

“Rueki...fuck I...I wish you would have…” Lea begins, looks to Ienzo and then takes a breath, and I think damn, he really has grown up, were not getting into fights in front of other people anymore. “Can’t change the past. Baby, in the future, you’ve gotta tell me these things.” And I know I do, I know no one can help anyone who doesn’t help themselves and I am an especially miserable creature, stubborn and secluded in the extreme with a lover that hopes for the best and has spent his lifetime burying skeletons, so why not mine as well.

“I know, I’m sorry.” And I think the last two words I say leave him stunned, because he just kisses the back of my hand and snakes an arm around my waist. 

“Are you actually admitting to him that you’re wrong?” Ienzo laughs lightly and between Lea and I, we both laugh, clutching each other a little tighter.

“Everyone thinks we’re such a hot mess.” I shake my head. “I mean, not that they’re wrong.”

“Listen, Ienzo. Neither of us would’ve stayed this long if we didn’t know how to make up, got it memorized?” Lea winks. Ienzo heaves a sigh and turns back to the computer, looking nothing shy of grossed out. 

“Well, give my best to Riku.” He says in a forced tone and I laugh, fluttering away from Lea to squeeze Ienzo’s shoulder, briefly. “Don’t be a stranger, Rueki. I’m completely serious.” He insists, though his visible eye is back on the computer. My lips curl into the tiniest half smile and I think this is nice, like this. A squeezed shoulder, a promise of tomorrow. Neither Ienzo nor I are equipped for the sort of touching goodbye that Amaya engulfed me with, and I think I like that most about him. I think that there’s been enough of an overwhelming swell of emotion lately, I think that Ienzo is always exactly what I need, when I need him. And Aqua’s not far from that either.

“I won’t. Promise.” I say.

“Barring any dramatic end of world events?” Ienzo teases, smirk curling at the very edges of his lips. I snort.

“Dude, let’s hope not. I’ll be back for ice cream, I still owe you.” I remind him.

“I certainly haven’t forgotten.” He says. “I’ll ring you when Demyx gets back.” He says. I snort

“Yeah, ring me before then, my money is he’s waking up in a year from now, complaining he didn’t get enough rest the entire time he was in the Organization.”

I don’t know who laughs louder, me or Lea or Ienzo.

\--

We touch down on the Destiny Islands and I exhale a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

“Can I do this alone?” I ask Lea, voice barely above a whisper. He inclines an eyebrow. “Riku doesn’t care that we’re married. He’s not going to be salty that he wasn’t invited but...we’ve been kind of ghosting each other. I don’t know if he blames me for telling Sora he should go, but I think there’s a lot of stuff we need to sort out. And I don’t think it would be right for me to hide from him anymore that I haven’t felt Sora in a long time.” I confess. Lea mulls it over, with a sunset in his eyes and I think the way he looks at me is hardly right. I don’t deserve this kind of unconditional devotion he offers me. But he scoops my face into his hands and presses his forehead to mine.

“I don’t want this to seem misplaced or like I’m trying to parent you or that I didn’t like you before… But Rueki, I’m so fucking proud of everything you’ve been doing. You have no fucking clue how proud I am to be your husband.” He says and I want to smack him, because now I want to cry, but instead I press my lips to his and sigh into how wonderfully smokey he tastes.

“I love you, Lea.” I breathe.

“Love you too, Rueks. I’ll be here busy beating your high score in the Verum Rex mini games. Text me if you need me.” He squeezes my shoulders. I stick my tongue out at him and wheel around, making my way out of the ship. 

Riku is exactly where I expect him, in the sand, eyes focused on the sea. Every bit of anxiety inside of me swells in my chest as though something sits upon my collar bones, but I find a way, I push through, boots slipping through the white sand until I sink down next to him.

“This spot taken?” I ask. Riku’s eyes widen, he turns to me as though he genuinely didn’t realize I was right behind him and immediately, I feel guilty. Whatever train of thought I interrupted, I doubt was light.

“Oh, no, I didn’t realize… it’s good to see you but--”

“Please.” I say, grabbing his hand. “Stay. It’s been too long.” And just like that, just with my words, something inside of him shifts, plates within his heart settles and he gets comfortable once more in the sand. 

“I’ve been avoiding you.” He confesses, after a strained beat.

“Yeah.” I smirk the tiniest of smirks. “Me too.”

“Do you hate me?” He whispers. My eyes immediately go huge and I whip, turning so that I am facing him instead of just at his side.

“Why would I hate you?” I ask.

“I should’ve stopped Sora. I could’ve. And if I wasn’t so set on finding Ansem, I could have followed Kairi, Xemnas might have taken me instead, maybe things wouldn’t have even gotten that far, maybe--”

“You’ve been playing it all over too.” I say, mouth twisting. I reach out for his hand once more and squeeze. 

“Every day.” He murmurs, eyes growing hard, hurt, and I think here it is, the traces of a boy so desperate he would turn to darkness. In this Riku, I see the boy who Ansem once possessed, see all of the hurt. 

“Me too.” I say. “You know, the reason it’s just me and not Lea is because I needed to know if you blamed me for not stopping Sora, or for taking Kairi from the safety of the island. If you did, I think you more than deserve to take it out on me, I didn’t want you to hold back just cuz he was here.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” He mutters, dryly. “You met Kairi, there’s no stopping her when she gets her mind made up. And...you loved them as much as I did.”

“No, I shake my head. I didn’t love Sora the way you did. Kairi, maybe more, I dunno, I don’t think there’s any measuring. But I wanted her back so bad, I was so blind, I just couldn’t lose her….” My voice starts to crack, wet, heavy. I don’t want to cry yet, but I don’t think my body cares, this is too long coming, too much is bubbling to the surface and I know myself well enough to know that an eruption is inevitable. “I would have sacrificed everything for her. And, it’s dirty, it’s not right, but I could have stilled him. I had enough control on the empathy link… I could have, I could have taken control of him.”

“Had…” Riku chokes, sounding very much like all of the oxygen has been torn from him. The floodgates open, my face is stained in wetness. My hands are simultaneously dirtier and cleaner than they have ever been.

“The empathy link went black a long time ago. I haven’t felt Sora in...so long…” My voice barely squeaks out, through my tight chest, but when I say the words, it doesn’t hit Riku hard. Instead, it feels merely like confirmation of what he already knew. And somehow, that cuts deeper. Because when I watch Riku break there is no shock, there is no pleading. There is just the broken down, tattered levee, finally giving way, so natural, so unstoppable. I twine my arms around him, holding him him as tight as I can, trying to absorb as much of the ache, as much of the hurt as possible. But what comes out of his mouth is so hollow, so aching, so miserable, there is no amount of absorption I can offer.

“It’s been so fucking lonely here.” He mumbles, so I weave my hand into his hair and bring his head onto my shoulder. He falls apart, and I cannot stop it. He comes undone and I just hold on, trying to be steady and stable in ways I have no experience being. 

“Not anymore.” I whisper, and I mean it, mean it with every ounce of who I am. I mean to correct my absence, and although I am by no means able to make up for what is lacking in Sora and Kairi’s absence, I can try to fill his empty spaces with myself, with Naminé, with my families in Twilight Town and Radiant Garden and Transmute City and the Land of Departure. Riku is so broken, but broken can be healed. Can be mended. And maybe with someone here to keep him close as he hits rock bottom, the impact won’t hit as hard.

“I see them, both of them, every day, every time I sit on the beach. There’s that line where sky and sea meet, and it just feels like they’re home.”

“I wish they were too. I’m not going to tell you how to grieve and how not to, but I’m here. Whatever you need. Distraction, reminescence, just someone to hand you fucking tissue when you cry. Anything, please, say the word. I can’t make anything alright, but I can hang in there with you.” I assure him.

And I’m not sure how long we spend like that, but I know I don’t let him go, I don’t take my arms from around him as we sink into the sand, lying there, watching the sunset begin in the sky. But I think that here, like this, he should be allowed to be a child. The boy who grew up too fast, who had to be a role model, a leader, should be allowed to fall from his pedestal with grace. This boy, this kid. If all I can grant is helping him float down to reality, then I will gladly give this. I will shoulder the impact of his fall until he can stand again, until he feels alright to just be a boy again and knows that it is safe, finally, to not be a man.

“Axel is probably missing you.” Riku finally murmurs, up from the crook of my neck.

“Probaby. We’re on our way home. I lost my shit and tried to run away and he talked me down, got me here. We eloped and now we’re just trying to tell everyone.” I laugh, dryly and he does too.

“She would have been so pissed.” Riku mutters, and I don’t even need to ask which she.

“She’d have killed me.” I agree. “But now I’ve gotta go face Roxas and Xion and Isa. Who are all living at my house. Which is a lot scarier than death at this point.” I say, and I know he understands.

“I can’t believe you’re letting Isa live with you.” Riku replies, cyan eyes flicking up to mine. I meet him with exactly the sort of half miserable smile I think he expects.

“I’m doing this thing where I’m not being a cunt. It’s rough.” I explain. “And I was the cuntiest of cunts to Xion.” I tell him.

“I encouraged her to die so that I could have Sora back. I think she’s pretty good with forgiveness.” Riku sighs. 

“Better than me.” I say. “Still, pretending I never went off the deep end in the first place would be preferable.”

“Guess we don’t grow if we don’t change.” Riku replies, eyes finding the sky now, I squeeze him a little tighter.

“It’s okay to stay the same too, you know. You don’t constantly need to keep being better than you used to. It’s okay to just be this Riku.” I assure him. He chuckles so softly, pressing his cheek into my arm.

“I see why she liked you so much. You’re not all shell.” He says, and I suppose he is right. I am more exposed underbelly than I have ever been before, weaker, softer than ever. And I feel more like Rueki than ever. No sarcasm to hide anything, no brushing anyone aside, just what’s inside. 

Maybe this is okay.

“She loved you, too. They both did. So much.” I promise.

“I know. Doesn’t change how much I want them here.” He tells me, so candid, so open wide, and I kind of like this. A friend as hard as me that I can be soft with, that can be soft with me. He’s not Kairi, but what he can offer me is what I need right now.

“You know, Naminé is ready. That’s part of why I got the balls to come see you. She just needs a few more days to fully filter her consciousness into her vessel.” I tell him, noticing very much the way his eyes seem to grow brighter. “You’ve just gotta promise you won’t use her to fill anyone’s place. You can’t. And if you can’t be kind enough to do that for yourself, do it for me, okay?” I ask. Riku inclines an eyebrow laughs, and then smiles.

“I can’t believe you put her together. Didn’t you have issues with Roxas?” He asks me. I make a face, shoving him playfully away from me.

“Fuck off, am I not the greatest alchemist you know?” I ask.

“You’re the only alchemist I know.” He reminds me.

“Piss off. Who do you think you’re talking to?” I giggle.

“I’ve got a feeling that the correct answer is something dumb, like you’re my boyfriend’s, girlfriend’s girlfriend.” He rolls his eyes but cannot fight a smile, and I burst out laughing, because he’s right and that’s a very me thing to say.

“Okay, you got me. You’re not wrong.” I grin, stupidly at him.

“You really are too much.” He tells me. “But, I think I need too much. You know, to make up for things.”

“Yo, kid, I don’t know if you missed it, but I’m married now. Our love is forbidden.” I tease. He groans, rolling his eyes and away from me. 

“You’re the most embarrassing person ever.” He tells me. I reply with a shit eating grin, sitting up, curling my knee into my chest.

“I know.” And then, there’s a moment. He’s got his arms behind his back as he stares at the sky, I curl my knee up as I look out to the sea, and it’s not right and it’s not good and it still hurts, but it really is okay. “Do you...do you want to clean up Kairi’s house with me one of these days? It’s still a mess from the last time her and I slept there.” When he doesn’t respond immediately, I keep babbling. “Not like tonight or anything, we’ve both cried enough and like it’ll be the first night sleeping in my bed with Lea that I haven’t been a special kind of mess. I’ve gotta apologize to Xion and Roxas and gotta figure out something with Isa and--”

“Yes.” He finally cuts me off, shaking his head. “You remind me of both of them, in a way, you know.”

“Same, kid.” I say, pushing myself up out of the sand. I brush sand off of my jeans, turn and extend a hand to Riku, which he gladly takes as I help him to his feet. “Don’t be a stranger?”

“No.” He agrees. “Thank you, by the way. For telling me the truth about the empathy link. It wasn’t...closure. But it was something.”

And I think something might mean everything.


	45. Chapter 45

XLV.

The street lights flicker to life in Twilight Town as Lea and I touch down. Warm oranges and yellows beam from within buildings and upon lamps, coating the world in the warmest of glows. Even my own home, as Lea and I make our way back, feels cozy and soft. Nothing like the sterile white lights I recall wishing would just go out, months ago. Within me, something has changed so thoroughly, my outlook. My heart lights itself now. I don’t look to Lea for radiance, but he offers it to me all the same, squeezing my hand tightly.

“You ready?” He asks. I answer by opening the door.

The second I do, two sets of arms twine around me, two bodies tumble into mine, I nearly hit the ground and absolutely would were it not for a third set of arms, yanking me back.

“Rueki!” Roxas cheers.

“You’re home!” Xion exclaims.

“Rueki, I’ve got a Keyblade now!” I know that voice. That voice shouldn’t own a Keyblade.

The sudden stiffening in my posture is enough to alert two of the three who have all but tackled me, that something is off. Said third is infinitely less used to the subtleties of knowing your opponents body. Said third has a Keyblade. Why the fuck does Del have a Keyblade?

“I think you might have wanted to give her time to adjust to being home.” Xion barely whispers.

“I don’t even think she knew you were staying with us.” Roxas sighs.

“It’s good, Rueki and I have been friends forever!” Del insists. From the pile the trio of apparent Keyblade wielders have made on me, I turn to Lea. 

“Remember how we talked about having beers with Isa?” I ask.

“I will get you many beers.” Lea agrees.

“You’re a king.” I say through gritted teeth, as my husband sneaks in through the cracked front door. Roxas is the first to detach from me, blue eyes meeting mine, a mix of apologetic and unsure, as though meeting a stranger for the very first time. His heart, though I can no longer sense it, I’m sure is on its tiptoes. 

“Are you…” He starts.

“I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to bombard you, Rueki. Isa just told us that Lea told him that you were doing good, we all missed you.” Xion spits in one breath as she too peels away from me. 

“You are good, right?” Del asks as he wiggles away from me, face still lit with all the enthusiasm of a newly adopted puppy dog. I look through him, through Roxas, and right at Xion, who nearly trembles, frail shoulders shaking against the ruffles of her dress. 

My heart comes right unglued.

Throwing my arms around her, I tug Xion in close, my cheek hitting her shoulder. I pinch my eyes tightly shut and try not to think about how long she spent forgotten, about how long she spent on the back burner, about how I have always put her beneath Roxas, beneath Kairi, beneath two she could easily be compared to and two I have always loved more.

She has drawn the short stick every time, and it’s not that I haven’t, losing Kairi, being too responsible for Roxas, but that doesn’t give me any excuse to dominate her every chance I get, just because I can, just because it’s easy. I’ve been such a terrible friend, so selfish.

“Are you okay? Are we okay?” I whisper, and she cries, and this time I do too, clutching her as tight as I can.

“Rueki, are you--” Del begins, but Roxas shushes him, quickly. I feel lips brush the top of my head then Xion’s. A hand squeezes my shoulder.

“We’ll be inside.” Roxas murmurs. “Welcome home.”

For a very long while, Xion and I just stand like that, pouring emotion and apologies and forgiveness into one another with the clutching of fabric and the tightening of embrace. She hiccups loudly as she cries, but looks far prettier than I when we part, her with dewy eyes and trembling lips, me with a reddened face and mascara smearing down my cheeks, such a disaster.

“I didn’t mean to… every time I’m not the one you want, I just keep draining and--” She starts but I shake my head, grabbing her hands, attaching us even in this small way.

“Stop. You’re not Kairi, you’re not Roxas. You’re Xion, you’re my friend, if you’re still okay with that. I think it’s long past time that I treat you like one.” I say, pressing my thumbs into her knuckles. 

“You do and you are.” She insists.

“You’re allowed to be more mad at me, you know.” I assure her. She just shakes her head, so I twine my arms around her once more, because if I can give her no more, I can give her this. I can give her a future where I’m maybe a little less selfish and maybe a lot more grown than I’ve been.

“Are you insistent on standing out in the cold? Have I utterly wasted a beer by cracking one open for you?” There is a very dominant part of me that prickles at the voice, every muscle growing rigid, bones quite tight as they cement me in place. My brain is trapped, contemplating flight or fight, when my heart knows better. He’s not my enemy anymore, I remind myself. And I don’t have to be so much of who I was, I can be better, I don’t need to defend my life and I don’t need to threaten his.

“Sorry douche lord, but maybe consider said beer a first payment of rent.” Is what actually comes out of my mouth, but I mean hey, baby steps. I pull away from Xion, but as I detach she grabs my hands, though for her or me or Isa, I do not know.

“Rueki, he’s changed, please, he’s been so good to Roxa and I.” Xion whispers, but this moment isn’t just for her, and these reunions are hardest of all, even my moment with Riku pales in comparison to the man standing in front of me. His cyan eyes are bright in the tiny sliver of moonlight creeping through, a sliver that sends my heart into overdrive, even with the satin of Xion’s hands against mine. We are at a perfect standstill, statues in our rigidity as we regard each other. We each consider our prey and predator for the first time as a would be ally and I wonder if this feels as strange to him as it does to me. I love Lea more than I hate Isa. Truly, I do, but this is just...not the person I want to share my home with. Not when I’m trying so hard. I owe him, maybe, certainly an apology, but I don’t want to. Conflicting thoughts and feeling threaten to rip me apart, I squeeze Xion’s hands too tight. She winces, wiggles them free and promptly drops them. “Isa, maybe you should--” Xion begins, but Isa and I have hardly ever listened to the advice of others when it comes to one another. He takes several long, elegant strides over to me, grabs my wrist into his hand and hoists me up, so that I’m on my toes, looking him as close to in the eye as I can. We stay there for a moment, breathing in each other’s static, the both of us unsure of where to go. Despite the hard, iciness in his eyes, I truly know his weakness, now more than ever and he is weak. In this moment, here with me, he is all soft underbelly, covered in only the faintest protection. I am no better. 

“My best friend misses you.” He says.

“I’m sorry, I thought you pulled the previous dick out of your ass, why can’t you keep him company while I have a conversation with my friend?” I counter, pressing my lips together. 

“Because your many other suitors are whining for the low hanging apple as well.” He rolls his eyes. 

“Mmm, rotten to the core. Cute.” I snort. 

“Rueki… Isa…” Xion begins, twisting her hands, not sure where to turn. But another second ticks past and Isa merely pats my cheek with his other hand, releases my wrist and heads inside. 

I crack the smallest of smiles, something that is more of a smirk and doesn’t touch my eyes, not at all. Slight amusement, a sparring of wits. Teasing that isn’t gentle in the slightest, but certainly isn’t as vicious as the two of us are capable of. Alright, I think. This I can handle. Not friendship, not compassion, not understanding. Not from Isa. But this strange line in between outright animosity and an aggressive friendship is one that the two of us can walk together.

When I reach behind me for Xion’s hand, I delight in the way her face lights up, a smile too bright for her dark features. No glowing red hair, no hint of purple in her eyes, no freckles on her nose and cheeks. No, just her. Just someone who deserves better than what she’s been handed. 

The hazy glow of the house lights us as we unlace fingers and Xion latches the door behind us. There’s a sense of coziness in the air, quite unlike what Amaya has in her own home. No pumpkin scents, no perfectly folded, cream colored quilts. Roxas’ socks are all over the floor, someone’s bowl of cereal sits on the coffee table, there are backpacks leaning against the counters and homework strewn about on the table. The place isn’t unclean, it does need dusting and a thorough picking up. There are too many dishes in the sink, but there are curtains now, throw rugs, art projects and photos and seashells in shadow boxes. This place looks like home, like it could be mine.

“It’s good to have you back.” Roxas has appeared, wearing the very same outfit he wore in the data Twilight Town. How he found one just like it and how it fits when he is nearly a head taller than me now, I do not know, but it suits him and looks particularly nice, next to Xion’s black and white dress. The boots, the lace, the high collar, the look works for her, though in this lighting, I can more clearly see--

“You gonna skin me?” Del pokes his head in from the living room, clearly holding some sort of craft beer in one hand. His golden brows are knit together, there’s and uneasy smile spread too big across his face.

“Depends.” I say. “You gonna forgive me?” 

“Rueki, you don’t need to keep asking people for forgiveness, seriously.” Xion insists as the group of us start heading into the kitchen. Lea meets me with a smile like the sun, Isa scarcely acknowledges me, but does extend a craft beer to me. I take a swig and instantly make a face. Fuck me. Okay, this is liquid courage, right?

“I do, actually.” I tell Xion, who climbs into a barstool, Roxas following her as though he is a shadow. Well, I guess that makes sense. My eyes flick to Lea, I twist my ring just a little, just enough for him to see, just enough to subtly convey--

“You’re both wearing wedding bands.” Xion’s eyes are huge, like that of a doe. I inhale sharply, carding my free hand through my hair as I slam a little more of my beer. Fucking hell, what is in this thing, an actual skunk?

“Surprise?” Lea asks, cocking his head to the side.

“Surprise? You got married and we weren’t even invited!” Roxas whines, puffy chested.

“We eloped cuz I wasn’t ready to face you guys yet. So like no one was invited. Sorry.” I make a face, but Roxas’ softens a little. It’s unfair, the connection we still have, between the two of us, the way that without the empathy link, there is still a bond. I hope he understands just how thoroughly I have always looked out for him, how intensely I have always cared for him, that it isn’t just him one sidedly easing my anxiety. I’m sure he does, because no one else seems capable of easing Roxas’ irritation at injustice like I am. Xion does set a hand atop his though, patting it gently.

“It’s okay, we get it. We’re just happy to have you guys back, we haven’t been a family without you.” Xion promises.

“You kidding?” Del balks. “You got married without us, that isn’t actually okay!”

“Yes.” I say, flatly. “It was strictly a personal attack, you’re the worst.” Isa’s taste in beer is absolute trash, unsurprisingly, but I knock back more of mine than I normally would. I don’t know how my house became the crash house, but I’ve got the distinct feeling that if it remains this way I’ll either develop an alcohol habit or become approximately as crotchety as Cid. Scratch that, I’ve already got one of those down.

“I can’t believe it, you didn’t invite any of us.” Roxas pouts.

“Yes, what did we do to deserve such a kindness.” Isa rolls his eyes. I flip him off. “Forgive the fact that I’ve no interest in watching you and Lea become obnoxious over one another. That’s been a reoccuring theme enough in my life.”

“Welp, looks like we’re banging super loudly tonight.” I say to Lea.

“Mmm, have I told you that you’re made for me?” Lea chuckles, tilting my chin upward with the hand not holding the beer.

“I’m going to sleep outside tonight.” Isa mumbles

“Make room.” Del says.

“Um clearly the two of you are oblivious as shit anyway, or are we not going to talk about that hickey on Xion’s neck?” I scoff and at this, Del literally spits his beer across the room. Lea heaves a sigh, eyes finding mine, brow ruffled.

“We walk right in the door and already they’re destroying our house.” He says.

“Doesn’t look like anyone scrubbed the counters while you were away either.” I reply.

“It’s not a hickey!” Roxas blurts, face turning approximately the same color as Lea’s hair. And Xion is no better, wringing her hands.

“I just burnt my neck on a curling iron is all. I’ve never used one before.” Xion chirps, voice literally cracking. I don’t know who starts laughing harder, me or Lea or Del, even Isa starts to chuckle softly, smile playing at the edges of his lips.

“Because no one in this room has ever heard that excuse.” Lea grins.

“I think you used that one.” Del says to me.

“I did use that excuse. But I’m trash.” I agree.

“And widely considered to be overtly promiscuous.” Isa pipes in. 

“Ha.” I laugh, humorlessly. “Nice to know that the whore jokes aren’t dead. Fucking asshole.”

“Thot.” He replies.

“Ooh, cool that Xion and Roxas are teaching you slang. Since you know, you spent your youth being a murderous sociopath.” I shrug.

“And you spent yours on your back.” Isa counters.

“Goddamn, guys!” Lea looks between the two of us, exasperated, shaking his head. I raise an eyebrow at Isa.

“I thought we were being quite cordial.” Isa argues and I nod.

“Right, this is how we show love.” I agree. “Kill ya tomorrow, darling.” I say, curling every finger down on the hand that cups my face, save for the middle one.

“Mmmm, you know I adore the challenge, dear.” Isa says, with the roll of his eyes.

“You know that’s not actually funny since you both have killed each other. Really weak attempt at a joke. Fucking assholes.” Lea mutters to himself, shaking his head.

“The two of you killed each other? Why has no one told me these things?” Del spits.

“Technically I killed Rueki.” Roxas says. Del makes a whimpering noise and hides his face in his hands.

“I did the work.” Isa counters.

“Forget I asked.” Del mumbles.

“But we’re over that now!” Xion insists, setting hands on both mine and Isa’s arms.

“Literally never. He’s a freeloading in my house.” I say.

“Absolutely. Rueki is an abysmal creature. Depriving me of my oldest friend for six months.” Isa agrees.

“Six months.” I nod.

“I can’t even tell if you’re joking or not.” Lea groans, swiping a hand through his hair.

“That would be the point.” Isa informs him.

“I hate this family.” Del whimpers.

“You’re the one who just like appeared here, dude!” I remind him.

“Yeah, not that I’m complaining, but what is the deal with that? Aren’t you on adventures?” Lea asks.

“He’s got a Keyblade now.” And the way I singsong the word ‘Keyblade’ sounds very Larxene to me, but Del looks so utterly smug, I can’t not retaliate. Apparently my would be family still brings out the trash in me. But, I shoot Del a little wink that hopefully informs him that I’m not actually that petty.

“That’s weird.” Lea murmurs, but not in a joking sort of way, not in an offhanded sort of way. There’s a weight to his words that bothers me, and I know he knows. “It’s nothing.” He says quickly. Immediately, my face goes hot, my jaw grows tight, my brain searches for a thousand endless answers to a question I doubt will ever be resolved. If he’s going to hide anything from me, there’s going to be hell to pay, we can’t go right from great to awful all the time, it’s exhausting, and in this state, I will never stop catastrophizing, I will never-- “Rueki.” Lea says my name loudly, reaching across to squeeze the hand I have wrapped around a beer bottle. 

“You’re hiding something.” I mutter, trying so very hard to keep my voice even, trying not to pick illogical and nonsensical arguments with someone I love very much because of information I don’t have. 

“There’s just a lot of speculating on why Keyblades appear to people. No one really knows what calls a heart to a Keyblade.” He promises, tugging me a little closer. I hate that we’re having to have this moment in front of our friends, in the wake of what should just be something nice and peaceful. 

Nothing is perfect, there is no reward without sacrifice. The realms owe me nothing and I don’t owe it. Every moment is clean, every moment is mine to choose. Mine. No one and nothing can take that.

“Is something bad going to happen?” I ask.

“No.” He says, and he says it so quickly, he says it too quickly, every cynical ounce of me screams not to believe him. But the problem is that I want to, so badly. I want to wrap myself in the warmth of my own blindness, I want him to be the one shielding my eyes. 

So I just say “okay.” And take another drink. Because this moment is mine, and above all, this is what I want it to be. 

One, two, three. My heart still beats, I’m here, and with Lea’s grace, I talked myself down. This is mine, this life, this moment, these friends. 

“So, are you like done on your adventuring, cuz you’re doing a shit job of picking up after the kids.” I hoist myself onto the counter, take a swig of my beer and offer Del a smug look. 

He just laughs, not missing a beat, before he prattles to us, stories of adventures he has been on, adventures so much brighter and more beautiful than any others here. Our melodrama is momentarily remedied as Del tells us bedtime stories into the wee hours of the morning. I’m half falling asleep on Lea’s chest, coming to terms with the fact that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to do all of the catching up that we need to.

But…

This isn’t the last. This isn’t over.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An early finish for this story, cuz I love you guys and wanted to share this with you for the weekend. Playlist will follow at the end of this chapter, and an epilogue will follow after this, along with information related to the next story in the series.

XLVI.

“I can’t do this.”

I’ve spent the better part of the morning staring at the ceiling, thinking of new ways to choke down tears. Thus far my efforts have only been met by a sore throat and a tight chest while I listen to the sounds of Lea snoring. Only seconds ago did he wake, lips at my temple, nuzzling my neck. And I wanted to be good, I wanted to have some decency and let the man I love wake with some level of peace. I wanted to, but the moment I heard his breath grow staccato, as he stuttered to wake, the tightness burst from me, words spilling from my mouth faster than I can keep up with. 

Maybe one of these days I won’t wake my husband with an anxiety induced fit. But my hands go tight on the fabric of the sheets as too many pairs of too curious blue and green eyes flood my mind. It hasn’t been lost on me that this is the first time we’ll all have been together since the war.

It’s supposed to be fun, I’ve reminded myself a thousand times. This is supposed to be celebratory, not only of mine and Lea’s marriage, but of all of the reunions that have happened in the past year. This is supposed to be a beautiful moment for all of us. But dread sits on my chest, pushes on me until I am at the very brink of bursting. I should just stay home, just linger back. Disaster follows me everywhere I go, loss is all I am capable of understanding, and no matter the progress Lea and I have made, I still don’t feel right unless I’m clinging to his sleeve. All of the other faces, all of the other voices, I can only hear them in panic, in a frenzy, emitting battle cries or at the brink of death. 

I can’t do this.

“Mmm, babe, you’re gonna have to be a little more specific. I’m not fully awake yet.” Lea confesses, sighing as he rises, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand. I’m too much to handle, this I already know. I should have just stayed quiet, ate my words. I wish I could, I remember a time I’d have shoved my anxiety down and ignored it until the nightmares came creeping in. I remember times that Lea kept my nightmares so thoroughly away. But it would be a lie to say I don’t dream of red hair and sunshine, delicate hands reaching out to mine and twenty questions. It would be a lie to pretend that being okay doesn’t take constant, conscious effort.

“I’m sorry. It’s dumb.” I shake my head, knotted hair swiping my face.

“It’s not dumb, I’m seriously just not awake.” Lea laughs, such a breezy sound as he kisses my collar bone, sounding whole and good. 

A tear escapes my eye, I turn to him, pressing my cheek into his chest.

“Whoa, come on Rueks, what’s up?” He asks, though he doesn’t miss a beat, tugging me in close. 

“I don’t want to go to the Island, something bad is going to happen.” I sound really stupid and hate the words as they leave my mouth, I know this is the anxious voice in my head speaking, I know there’s nothing to support my fears. I’m going to be okay, the war has been over for a year, the sun shines brighter than ever, nothing is like before. 

But here I am, the human embodiment of an aftershock, a phantom pain. 

“Then we’re not going to the Island.” He says, so easily. “What are we doing?” 

“Stop.” I shake my head against his chest. “Tell me I’m dumb and that everything is going to be alright.” I urge.

“Okay, you’re dumb and everything is going to be alright. Feel better.” I can hear the humor in his voice, so I pinch his arm. “Ah! Dick.”

“This is the first time we’re all getting together.” I remind him.

“Okay, but not just the normal group. Remember we’ve got Roxas and Xion back, Isa too. Del and Amaya and Lucidia will be there, and Hayner, Pence and Olette are going to come to. And hey, Naminé is recompleted. So it’s not like the war. We’ve got more friends now.” He insists, fingers dancing into my hair, caressing my scalp. 

“I just want Sora and Kairi back.” I whisper. He kisses the top of my head. “I’m sorry, it’s just a really bad moment.”

“You’re good, Rueks. I already told you, we can find something else to do. Roxas can pilot your ship if you--”

“No one is touching my ship, Roxas crashed his fucking skateboard the other day.” I cut him off and he laughs. “I’m being stupid.”

“Nah, like you said, just a bad moment. Be pretty fucked up if you didn’t have those.” And damn is he right. The darkest days were the ones with no bad moments. He sweeps my hair aside and begins tracing the lines of what I know are scars on my back. “You sleep at all last night?” He asks.

“A couple hours.” I think. “Isa talks in his sleep. Like super loud, I can hear him through the walls.” And he used to bitch that I was keeping the whole castle awake.”

“Full moon’s in a couple days.” Lea just says, like I’m supposed to understand what this means.

“He gonna turn into a werewolf?” I scoff.

“No.” Lea says simply and then chuckles. “Sorry, you really were clocked out those first few months he lived here. No, he just gets restless, he’s pretty miserable to be around.”

“So he’s PMSing.” I say, flatly. Lea laughs even louder and I feel as though the sound is therapeutic. I sigh softly into his skin, sinking closer to him.

“Yeah, maybe don’t say that to him unless you’re trying to pick a fight.” He says.

“And who says I’m not trying to?” I ask.

“Take your nervous energy out, outside. I work hard to keep this house clean, I don’t need you two destroying it.” He insists.

“You wanna go for a run, then?” I ask, because he’s right. I am all nervous energy and maybe it won’t do much to help, but maybe it will. And maybe all I’ve got now is chasing maybes, hoping one day the ache doesn’t smart so much. 

“You hate running.” He reminds me. 

“You don’t, though.” I counter.

“I don’t.” He agrees and finally, he pulls off of me, setting a hand down beside my head, hovering. “You gonna be alright? Cuz seriously, we don’t need to go.”

“You really are too good for me.” I tell him, reaching out, thumb brushing his cheek. He meets me with a sort of half smile and scoops me up into his arms. I wrap my legs tightly around his waist as he carries me out of bed. My arms twine around his neck as he fumbles through our dresser, tugging out a pair of joggers for himself. 

“Yeah, yeah, don’t go telling people.”

\--

We touch down on the Destiny Islands, and despite my superstitions, despite the subconscious fears that nag and tug at the edges of my mind, nothing catastrophic happens.The world does not fall to the darkness that I know is still present. Balanced, but present.

Instead, I am met by wide green eyes and a huge smile.

“Rueki.” Amaya breathes. “Del.” My ship is by far the most full one, not that it isn’t tasked for such. But carting around Isa, Lea, Roxas, Xion, Del, Hayner, Pence and Olette has been no easy feat. Hayner gets space sick, which I probably should’ve seen coming, Pence wants to know the ins and outs of Gummi technology that I can operate but can hardly deconstruct. Olette is well mannered but had her eyes pinched shut almost the entire time. Isa paced the cabin, irritable, obviously eager to touch ground, and were it not for Lea, I certainly would’ve made plenty of werewolf jokes. Thankfully, Xion and Roxas have at least enough of Sora’s memories previously ingrained in them, that I’ve got at least them, Del and Lea, who I do not need to talk through the ins and outs of space travel. I promptly decide that I hate being people’s first flight.

My passengers scramble around me, Roxas leading Xion and his regained friends over to Riku, Isa finding his way to Ventus, Terra and Aqua. Lea squeezes my hand.

“You good?” He asks. 

“Yes, go have fun.” I say, not totally convinced, and yet stable enough to stand on my own. He meets me with an inclined eyebrow, so I swat him away until he scatters with the others. I can do this, I can stand on my own, even tentatively.

Behind me, soft footsteps approach, and it dawns on me that Del does understand subtlety, at least one some level.

Amaya meets us right at the ramp of the ship, Lucidia cradled close to her, wearing a dress adorned with pineapples.

“It’s warm here.” She tells us, as though it isn’t obvious in the fact that I have my flannel unbuttoned and the fact that Del is rolling up the sleeves of his shirt.

“Transmute City isn’t like a normal place. It’s freaking freezing there.” I remind her. All this talk of weather clearly has Del utterly riveted. He makes a goofy face at Lucidia, snatches her from Amaya’s arms and twirls her around.

“And who is the prettiest girl of all?” He swoons. She makes a little squealing noise that has me wrinkling my nose. Amaya laughs.

“She missed you. She asks about dada all the time.” Amaya tells him, beaming, so bright that she twinkles in the sunlight.

“Did you now?” Del asks.

“Dada!” Is Lucidia’s response.

“Oh man, aunt Rueki’s gonna have to watch her mouth around you, if you’re already talking.” Del says, kissing her forehead. Lucidia blows a bubble with her mouth, which is freaking gross, but Del seems quite entertained. I suppose that’s par for the course though, finally someone on the same level as him.

“Aunt Rueki will spend tons of time with Lucidia when she’s old enough to curse back at her parents.” I set a hand on my hip.

“You’re a monster.” Del shakes his head.

“You’re kind of dumb. Can you say dumb, Lucidia?” I ask, rolling my eyes. Lucidia giggles loudly and sticks her hand in her mouth.

“No, hey, we’re not doing that, remember.” Del says, and Amaya leaves him to fussing with their daughter, trying to pry her tiny, chubby fingers from her mouth.

“You’re not gonna intervene?” I ask. Amaya snorts, tiny smile tugging at the edges of her lips.

“No, they both need to learn.” She decides. “Next time let’s go to your house, it’s a little more moderate there.” Amaya proceeds to start fanning herself with her artificial arm.

“Yeah, but we have really douchey teenagers and the island just has Riku, so not nearly as bad.” I explain, although I suppose there is Sophie and the blond boy who looks too much like Del. Del flashes me an indignant look, putting a hand over one of Lucidia’s ears. “She’s not even two, she has no idea what’s happening.”

“She’s actually quite bright, Rueki, the other day, she was arranging her blocks and--” Amaya begins, but the look on my face must be reason enough to give her pause.

“If this is what we’re going to talk about, I’m going to bury my head in the sand.” I say.

“Wow, you’re an asshole.” Del mutters. “Have we out matured her? Miss high and mighty?” 

“I think we might have, she’s not a parent, she’ll never get it.” Amaya giggles, all feigned snootiness as she tosses her short hair.

“Yeah, I assisted in saving the world a few times, so let me have this moment of weakness. Jerks.” I mutter. Amaya laughs a little harder now, tossing one arm around me and one around Del.

“Do you guys realize how long it’s been since we’ve had something like this?” She asks. “The three of us together again, nothing hanging in the balance?”

“We’ve had moments together.” I counter.

“Yes, but nothing like this.” She shakes her head.

“Yeah, you’re always on your way to kill yourself.” Del says to me. 

“She’s always over exerted herself.” Amaya agrees.

“Can we not talk about me like I’m not standing right here?” I ask, wanting to crawl in on my own skin, with utter discomfort. These two trying to parent me is absolutely cringe worthy, all things considered, the life I’ve lived, the boundaries I’ve pushed, the things I’ve done that they haven’t, if they think for even a second--

No. That’s what got me here in the first place, isn’t it? Thinking that I had to be above them, infantilizing them, treating them like there was some sort of constant need for protection. Del wields a Keyblade. Amaya grew a life inside of her while growing the business we started together. Our journeys have been so separate, but not a single one of us gets to claim superiority, nor should we ever again.

“I mean besides, I only work my butt off cuz I love you guys so much. Seriously. You were my family even before all of this, even before I found out what happened to my real family. I’m glad you’re part of this.” I lick my lips. Del quirks an eyebrow. Amaya and he exchange glances and I huff, a massive sigh. “What?” I snap.

“Nothing, just pretty sure we broke you.” Del confesses.

“It usually takes a lot more to pry genuine emotion from you.” Amaya agrees.

“Fuck off and come hug me before I change my mind.” And they do, twining their arms tightly around me, Lucidia is pressed to my cheek, she’s straight up slobbering onto my shirt, but Del and Amaya pull away with their child, and I remove my flanel, tying it around my waist. 

“You would never be able to wear that at home.” Amaya giggles. 

“Amaya’s such a homebody, doesn’t know how good other worlds have it.” Del winks at me.

“There’s a lot of things you’d never be able to do at home, take off your shoes, we’re going to the ocean.” I order. Amaya laughs loudly, but abruptly realizes I’m serious and sends the sea a wistful look. 

“Really?” She asks. “It’s warm enough?”

“Sure.” I reply easily.

“Well, alright, just a bit though, I don’t want Lucidia wandering off, I’ll just get my toes wet.” She agrees. Del and I exchange a conspiratorial little smirk. 

“You know you’re allowed to enjoy yourself. You don’t need to always put others first.” I tease.

“I can watch our daughter.” Del insists.

“Oh take your own advice.” Amaya mutters, stepping on the backs of her boots to yank them off. “And don’t deprive me of time with my own child.” She tells Del, before indignantly turning, snatching Lucidia from him and traipsing to the ocean. Del and I exchange a look and both start laughing, the second our eyes meet. 

“You coming?” I ask him. He shrugs.

“Nah, I’ll probably just go hang with Roxas, I could beat both him and Terra in a race, no problem.” Del decides, looking at the other two men as they start chasing each other across the beach. I snort.

“Sure. Okay.” I reply.

“Hey, I had to keep up with you once.” He elbows me. “Word on the street is that you’re the one to beat for speed.”

“When I’m a little more stable, I’ll let you go up against me.” I tell him.

“Okay, but remember the longer you take, the harder I’m gonna kick your ass.” He laughs.

“Mmm, I’ve got plenty of cushion, I’m not too worried.” I wave a hand.

“Speaking of which, you look fucking hot. Like damn, Lea is lucky.” Del shakes his head, eyes hungry as they wash over me. I punch him. Hard.

“Don’t be gross.” I say. “I’m married.”

“And I wouldn’t date you again if you paid me to, you’re a pain in the ass. But I haven’t checked anyone else out since Amaya and I started dating, so…” He trails off, rubbing the back of his neck.

“So what you’re saying is that if I find a girl that looks like me but acts like Amaya to set that shit up.” I say. Del laughs, loud, obnoxious, very much like himself.

“That would actually be the dream.” He shakes his head.

“Well good for you for becoming thirsty again, congrats, man.” I clap his shoulder. He grins, toothily.

“This whole adventuring thing, it’s fun. I think this is what I’m supposed to be doing, living my own life.” He says. 

“Well, one of us should take up the mantle, and I’m pretty over it. Just try not to get your big, dumb self hurt with your Keyblade.” I sigh. Del chuckles.

“Wanna see it?” He asks.

“No, that makes it real.” I wave a hand. “What I want is to go enjoy the ocean with my friend and her daughter.” And Xion and Naminé, apparently, who have huddled by the shore.

“You’re boring.” He tells me.

“I know. Lea’s not actually that lucky.” I wink, and with that, we part, him heading toward Roxas, me heading toward where Amaya is at the edge where the ocean and shore meet. Her toes curl just a little in delight, she clings closer to Lucidia, giggling just a little.

“It’s so warm.” She sighs. I smirk, just a tiny bit as I dip down low, crouching to retrieve a tiny shell, just at the edge of the shore.

“Here.” I tell her, letting the water sift from between my fingers, before I extend the shell to her. “Proof that you were here.” 

“My pocket?” She asks brightly, eyes wide, smile huge as she shifts her hip toward me. I laugh, shaking my head as I tuck the shell into the pocket of her jeans.

“We’ll have to get you some bigger ones too. Someone pretty cool that I know used to collect them.” I say quite pointedly. From a few feet away, Xion giggles, flashing me a tiny smile. 

“Pretty cool?” She teases.

“Reasonably, I’d say.” I nod. She sticks her tongue out at me. 

“Well you guys come over here, we’ll find some for you.” Xion nods, beckoning us over to where she and Naminé are crouched. Before I can even begin to find my words, Amaya is on her way over and anxiousness is twisting in the pit of my stomach. Too many pairs of big, blue eyes, too many pretty faces that are too similar and not similar enough. My heart could shatter, but my legs propel me forward, my body enduring, even when my mind doesn’t want to, as always. 

“That’s a lovely ring, Rueki.” Namine says softly, very audible, from where she’s at on the ground. I force a pleasant look, biting down on the inside of my cheek. This is okay, it’s okay, it’s fine that she’s here, good even. And none of this, not her nor Xion are taking away from Kairi. It’s good that I can see her, that I feel her shining through in these two, I’m lucky even. Or rather that’s what I tell myself, and I will tell myself this until I don’t need to replay the very phrase like some sort of compulsive tick. 

“Thanks.” I choke and then instantly make a face. “Sorry. Xion had to deal with the same shit. You guys both just look a lot like her, makes me stupid sometimes. I’ll get over it.” I say quickly, taking a more sure step over to her. 

“You know, I can take her away, take the memory?” She cocks her little blonde head to the side, like she has no clue breath has been torn from my lungs, like she doesn’t sense, in any way, the emotions bubbling from my chest. Maybe she doesn’t anymore. After all, since Sora’s death, I haven’t felt Ventus, Roxas or Xion’s emotions.

“Oh, Nam.” I whisper, voice wavering even still. She curls a knee into her chest, looking the epitome of innocent. Looking so delicate and so unlike Kairi that I momentarily question whether she came from my best friend’s heart. That makes it a little easier. “If you would’ve asked me right after all of this had gone down, if you would’ve been here...without a doubt. But, I… I’m never not going to miss her. I-- I wish she was back, I miss her so much. More than anything in this world. But, I think I’m okay now?” It almost comes out, sounding like a question, but as always with Naminé, the shockwaves of emotions that seem too strong for me nearly slide off of her. She nods, eyes going back to a seashell, which she turns over in her hand. 

“That’s okay, you know?” She asks. “To be happy. You need to. There’s still so much more of your life to live, Rueki.” There’s a sort of weight to her words, my stomach starts to twist, my mind immediately latches onto panic, seeking anxiety as a source of comfort, as a constant. But the fact of the matter is, words can just be words and I do have a lot more of my life left that needs to be lived, she isn’t wrong. She’s so nonchalant though, it worries me. Is she messing with me, am I wrong to find discomfort in peace? Does she not think I deserve happiness, because I failed to keep the girl she called home, safe? Did she invest too much hope, tying my heart to Sora’s? 

“I guess.” I agree, shakily. It seems like lifetimes before she inclines her head to me, truly, I almost walk away from her, feeling I’ve been dismissed. But a knowing little smile curls across her face as she looks to me, head cocked to the side. 

“That phrase you woke me with, ‘may your heart be your guiding key’, where did you hear that?” She cocks her head to the side, wispy hair spilling gently over her shoulder. It takes me a moment, and I wonder, truly, where I did hear such a phrase. Sora?

The answer grips my stomach and I force a smile that almost feels painful.

“Um, you know, I really can’t remember.” Xigbar said it to me. Xigbar. Xigbar who wrote me strange notes in a childhood book, who appeared to me when I dove into Sora’s dreams, whose obsession with me I have still hidden. I don’t want to think about it now, this isn’t supposed to be about him, these moments that we’ve gathered, they don’t need to be about oddities and conspiracies. I can have a normal life, I can have friends and normalcy, more to the point I deserve it, I’ve earned it. I clench my fists, bone tight, unsatisfied until my nails bite into my skin and the smile breaks too wide across my face. Naminé’s eyes narrow, just slightly, she pushes her lips into a tight little line and nods, returning to the sea. In one easy swoop, she scoops up a long, pinkish shell, turns it over in her hands and extends it to me.

“A thalassa shell.” She explains, rising as she cradles her shell in both hands. She reaches out, long, delicate arms outstretched. “Sailors used to think of them as good luck charms, to ensure a safe voyage.” She explains. Timidly, I swipe the shell from her hand, turn it over and lick my lips.

“Kairi liked these.” I murmur. 

“Yes.” She nods. “The journey isn’t over, yet, Rueki. Who knows how long we’ll have to battle the darkness.”

I’m not sure if she’s being metaphorical, comparing each of our own personal darknesses to a war, and if not she isn’t wrong. Aqua, Isa, Riku… me. Everyone. We’ve all got demons, battles that we might grapple with for the remainder of our lives. It’s a cute talisman, my fingers curl around the shell, so smoothed, imperfections worn away from the sea. Very delicately, I tuck it into the front pocket of my jeans.

“Are we speaking literally?” I ask her, thumb brushing over lines in the shell as my hand comes back up from my pocket.

“I can’t know that.” She shakes her head. “It’s just...it doesn’t feel over quite yet, does it?”

“No, I guess you’re right. If this is an ending, it’s too clean.” I agree. “But that’s the thing about real life, right? My story ends with me, and only with me.” 

“You’re right. And you showed me that I’m the one who writes my own.” She says, gently resting her ice cold hands on mine. Her touch almost shocks me, and immediately I want to retreat into Lea. But I force a braver face, force muscles to uncurl and my body to soften. Right now it’s me, I’m in control, no demons inside will shove me.

“How can you sense whatever’s going on in the world? Light, dark, the balance?” I ask. She shrugs, too blue eyes flicking up to mine.

“I suppose that’s just part of the powers I have, a sensitivity of sorts. Everything we’ve endured together, the mess we’ve seen come to pass, it is amazing that we haven’t gone over the details of any of these things.” She laughs, this tiny, breezy, not quite there sound.

“Yeah, your empathy link kind of baffles everyone I mention it to, Ienzo didn’t even know it was a real thing.” I laugh a little too, just because the release feels good. Naminé’s brow knits, just slightly together. A barely noticeable blemish across her pristine features.

“It’s just unique to my connection to Sora.” She replies.

“Well, hey, we’ve got resources now. I mean, if you want to go in and mess with what your heart can do, I’m sure Ienzo and I could try to--”

“If it’s all the same, Rueki, I would rather live my own life, now.” Naminé says, and I feel sick. Fuck, I’m the asshole here, I’m the one tethering someone to a life that they didn’t want in the first place. “Feeling the ocean on my skin, the sand between my toes, I don’t think I’m ready to let those little moments go just yet.”

“You’re right. Sorry, that was the alchemist coming out in me.” I bite my lip. She giggles, eyes shimmering much like the ocean in the setting sun. 

“Don’t let that part in your heart go dull. That’s who you’ve been since before the war, you owe it to that part of you to flourish.” She reminds me. I shrug.

“Yeah. It’s weird though. Life after.” I say.

“Yes.” She agrees. “Kairi’s grandmother used to tell her a story about a world without darkness. Long ago, people lived in peace, bathed in the warmth of light. Everyone loved the light. Then people began to fight over it. They wanted to keep it for themselves. And darkness was born in their hearts. The darkness spread, swallowing the light and many people's hearts. It covered everything, and the world disappeared. But small fragments of light survived... in the hearts of children. With these fragments of light, children rebuilt the lost world. It's the world we live in now. But the true light sleeps deep within the darkness. That's why the worlds are still scattered, divided from each other. But someday, a door to the innermost darkness will open. And the true light will return. If you believe in the light, even the light deep within the darkness, then darkness can never break you, never pierce your heart. And your heart is strong, Rueki. I think Ventus told you this once, but you are your own hero. The darkness cannot keep you down. And I think… we’ve earned a fairytale, after all this time.”

“Nothing happens unless you work hard for it.” I agree. “Earning our rewards.” 

“An alchemist until the end.”

\--

“I hear you’re about to start your period.” I say, throwing myself into the sand, closing my eyes as dust settles around us and Isa coughs.

“You are an absolute nightmare to be around and quite possibly the worst person I know.” He chokes, though his face is still relatively neutral as I open my eyes. “Why are you wasting my time?”

“I brought you chocolate and tampons, calm down.” I wave my hand.

“It is an awful shame that you genuinely believe yourself to be humorous.” Isa mumbles.

“I know, I’m funny but looks aren’t everything, right?” I ask. He actually snorts, the corner of his mouth turning upward.

“Is this actually happening?” He asks.

“Yeah, but only cuz Lea is watching.” I say.

“And I once thought him to be a great manipulator.” Isa sighs.

“I know, I made him soft.” I agree.

“But quite happy.” Isa murmurs.

“You too, on that front.” I say. “You helped me when I needed you to. You were reasonably nice to me.”

“Do you feel I’ve made up for what I’ve done to wrong you?” He inquires.

“Not really, what about you?” I ask.

“Hardly. My friend is still gone and Lea is still utterly under your spell. But, admittedly, I’ve never seen him orbit anyone the way he does you.” Isa says.

“He’s worlds too good for me.” I concede.

“As long as you’re aware.” Isa nods.

“Do you think the wrongs we’ve committed ever get to go away? That I won’t have nightmares about you ever again and that you won’t blame me for what happened to your life at one point? Like if we’re constantly exposed to each other in a nonthreatening manner?” I ask.

“As in become desensitized to one another? I can only hope, considering Lea never intends to rid his life of either of us.” Isa says. “I don’t suppose you have any ideas for what to do in the meantime?”

“Not particularly.” I admit. “I’m just… really fucking sick of being mad. Like all the time.”

“It doesn’t stay focused on one specific target.” He agrees. “It bleeds out across each edge of your mind until that anger is all you know.”

“It gets us into positions we’ve already been in before.” I don’t turn to look at him, just the hazy orange pink of the sky as I twirl my engagement ring round my finger.

“Are you suggesting a truce, in the meantime?” He asks. I shrug against the sand.

“That’s the best I’ve got. Just put up with each other until it doesn’t suck.” I confess. He scoffs and finally I turn to look at him. He’s got his arms folded behind his head and his face is so soft, so reminiscent of that polite and gentle boy who urged his friend to have some manners. His eyes are very much so no longer gold and although I don’t think this is the primary reason, I can’t deny, looking at him like this, I don’t particularly hate him. Not the way I used to at least. There’s no longer dysmorphia as I look over the scars peeking out from my chest, from the rips in my jeans. When Lea kisses every square inch of me and plays connect the dots with the marks on my flesh, I do feel infinitely more at home, coming down, landing contentedly in myself. I’m me, a sum of my own choices, the epitome of all of the things that I’ve done. He doesn’t get to be the only force anymore, he doesn’t get to be my tormentor anymore. 

“That’s infinitely more mature than I’d expect from you.” He smirks, turning to me, and I roll my eyes, but I’m smirking too. 

“Don’t get used to it, I’m still a cunt. But I love him a lot more than I hate you.” I reply, pushing myself up onto my side, both hands in the sand. Isa nods along, smirk curling even tighter.

“Yes, I suppose I understand that.” He agrees. “I’m willing to even state that forgiveness is too much to ask of us. But there is trust, now, Rueki.” I laugh a little, humorlessly, dryly, in spite of everything, and then I look back up the the warm, hazy sky.

“So, I’ll see you at the clock tower?” I ask. He snorts.

“And I’m expected to bring the ice cream.” He says. I shrug again, this time pushing myself up to my feet. I extend a hand, but Isa rolls his eyes, climbing to his feet of his own accord and I think both of us are thankful that he didn’t take me up on the offer to help.

“Yes, freeloader.” I say, dusting myself off.

“I suggest you watch yourself, unless you’re mentally incapable of understanding the effects that the moon still has on me.” Isa taunts, though there is a spark in his eye not utterly unlike the one I used to recall Riku donning in Sora’s memories.

“Oooh, big bad werewolf.” I wave my hands.

“Would you perhaps consider yourself a vampire then, since all you can bring yourself to do is s--”

“Are you seriously threatening each other? This is supposed to be fun!” Lea is suddenly at my side, arm around my shoulder and I grin, quite proud of the taunt that died on Isa’s lips.

“We are simply seeking alternative ways to connect.” Isa says, crossing his arms to his chest.

“Exactly, bullying is our version of inside jokes.” I nod.

“If you think this is going to make me change my mind and say I don’t want you to be friends, you’re both wrong.” Lea sighs, running a hand through his gel hardened hair. I meet Isa with a devious look.

“Well fuck.” I say.

“Foiled again.” Isa agrees, and just as he’s about to stride off, the three of us are met by Ventus. I don’t think it’s lost on any of us, how utterly ironic it is that it’s the four of us, once more, but this time, none of us burning for adventure. 

“Isa, Lea, we’re about to start a game, you coming?” Ven asks, huge grin spreading across his face as he presents a very familiar frisbee with a flame insignia on it.

“Omigod, where did you find that?” I laugh. 

“You kidding? I held onto that thing the whole time.” Lea says, setting a hand on his hip. I choke down a laugh, but it comes out as a strange sort of grunting sound. Lea looks to me, thin eyebrow inclined, so I shake my head, looking at the sand.

“You’re cute, that’s all.” I say, waving him off. 

“You’re an abysmal liar.” Isa tells me.

“And you can get fucked.” I say back.

“Come on!” Lea groans, throwing his head back. 

“Yeah, come on!” Ven pipes up.

“Well, I’m game.” Isa nods.

“Me too but, uh, can we get a delayed start? I’ve gotta show Rueki something.” Lea says, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Disgusting. We’re not delaying for that.” Isa replies, scathingly.

“Don’t mind him, he just needs to take some Midol and he’ll be fine.” I wave a hand.

“Guys!” Lea whines. “Seriously, I’m trying to be a good husband, just give me a second, alright.”

“What a fucking diva.” I mutter.

“My thoughts exactly.” Isa nods. Ven just chuckles, shaking his head.

“You three are exactly the same. Yeah, Lea. We’ll wait. Just be quick about...whatever.” Ventus says, brow coming together. So with that, Lea snakes his fingers through mine and leads me down the beach. The sun is setting and the world isn’t ending. In a few hours, the stars will be out, and the lot of us will be counting them, wishing on them, as though we really are only children again. As though this massive family we have created has always been meant to come together like puzzle pieces. Innocence regained.

“You good?” Lea asks, kissing my temple, seeming to sense my faraway thoughts. 

“Beyond good. Thanks for making me come.” I say. His face scrunches.

“Hey, I didn’t make you do anything.” He reminds me.

“No, you were just overly accommodating to the point where I became uncomfortable and talked myself into coming.” I agree.

“You think I don’t know how your brain works after all this time?” He asks, laughing.

“Oh no, I know you’ve got it memorized.” I grin just a little bigger for him, heart growing just a little warmer each second we find ourselves further down the beach from the others. 

“I know you’re trying, with everything. The anxiety, Isa.” He confesses, so I purse my lips and make a pouty face.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I reply, breezily.

“It’s pretty good of you, that’s all I’m getting at. I’m not gonna act like some of this isn’t cuz of what I put you through in the Organization.” Lea mutters.

“Oh, stop.” I shake my head. “You know how much else we’ve been through? You know how little any of that matters?” 

“There were some good times in there, huh?” He asks, and I see a very purposeful smile start to curl up, just so, on his lips. I’ll give him this, he still is a master manipulator and he is so very good at baiting me. 

“Are you trying to reminisce with me?” I lift an eyebrow. He shrugs, grin going wider. 

“Maybe a little.” He teases, stealing a kiss as he leads me.

“Okay, I’ll bite. What are we reminiscing about?” I ask. He chuckles, tugging me hard toward a ladder. “You know I’m wearing jeans now, you’re not gonna sneak a peek.”

“Oh fuck off.” He tosses his head back, staring up at the vibrant sky. “Reminisce about the first time we came here, with me.”

“You mean when I had proper control over my emotions and we did anything we could to not say three little words to each other?” I ask, starting up the ladder. He does smack my ass, I reach back to kick him, but Lea knows me incredibly well and takes a step back, staring at me with crossed arms until I huff and climb further up the ladder.

“I remember swimming with you, and laying out with you.” He says.

“That outfit you wore was super sexy.” I say. He hums from behind me, climbing the ladder now too.

“Yeah?” He asks.

“Oh yes. You in gloves of any kind will never not be sexy.” I nod, climbing the final rung, pushing myself up over the ledge.

“Duly noted.”

Oh this delightful bastard.

After the proposal, after the candle lit bedroom that followed, nothing should surprise me, the grand lengths my husband will go to, to woo me. Still, even my cynical heart flutters as I look over the scene he has set for the two of us. A blanket laid out, tea light candles surrounding it and a single paopu fruit set in the middle, already cut in half. 

“You’re so stupid.” I choke, so Lea shoves my ass from beneath me, forcing me completely over the ledge. My fledgling legs tremble beneath me as I take careful steps toward the blanket.

“Yeah, yeah, I know that’s a compliment from you by now.” He waves a hand as he stands behind me, setting a gentle hand on my hip.

“Why would you do this?” I ask, mouth twisting.

“Did I fuck up?” He asks, though without genuine worry in his voice. At the corners of his features I can see that an incredibly smug look has worked its way onto his face.

“No, no. You’re just officially too good for me now. I’m absolutely rotten to the core and you’re just like...so damn good.” One of my hands come up to brush my lips, but it curls into a fist and I begin to chew absently at my fingernail.

“Well, lucky for you, I’m really into hurricanes.” He tells me, both arms curling around my middle, now. Leaning in a little closer, he rests his chin on my shoulder and nuzzles my cheek.

“Hurricanes?” I ask.

“Oh yeah, you’re not just a storm like Ven said, sweetheart. You’re a tropical devastation. Got it memorized?” He teases, I shrug a little, knocking into his chin.

“You’re lucky I know that’s a compliment from you. Fucking dick.” I roll my eyes, but smile all the while, unable to keep the idiotic look off of my face. Even as I chew my nails, even as my own mind reminds me that he truly is too good for me to ever be able to deserve, the fact of the matter is that for the first time, neither of us are on the decline. Each day, each step is closer to the magic mirror, to the future we’ve been daydreaming about since the very beginning. 

“Remember making fun of the paopu thing?” He whispers, voice heavy next to my ear.

“I remember how bad I wanted to share one with you.” I confess.

“Remember nothing at all?” He asks and I wrinkle my nose, reaching for distant memories but when they come back, my eyes light up, my heart dissolves, so much so that I grab his hand and set it against my heart, willing his warmth to hold me together.

“Not a thing.” I breathe.

“You think it’s possible to miss someone before you knew who they were?” He asks.

“That’s not logically possible.” I counter, but I know what he’s getting at, I know the way he was so cruel and deviant before me and how I was empty and cold before him, I know that there were gaps, missing pieces in the both of us that never should have been missing and never would have been had we grown up together instead of being flung as far across the realm from each other as possible. I know that there are things about me that I don’t like unless he’s around, insecurities that I would have developed were it not for the profusity of his love. I know there’s not a world that should exist without the two of us together, and I recall the sinking feeling that my own soul ached without his presence, when I was searching for him. 

“I’d say you’re a bit of a cynic, Rueks.”

“I’d say that’s a compliment. And I still haven’t given you permission to call me that.” I say. “Are you going to share this thing with me?”

“Not until I hear you say you want me in your life forever.” He teases, squeezing the hand that is attached to mine. 

“You’re the one losing out, you are seriously stuck with me forever if you do this.” I remind him.

“Like in this life and the next?” He offers, circling around me, fingertips brushing me as he heads to the blanket, beckoning me with an outstretched hand. I give him the most unconvinced face I can offer, but I know that looks mild at best as the smile dominates my face and I take his hand, following him down.

I take a piece of the precut fruit into my hand, turning it over, and my mind does turn to Kairi and Sora. To what it must have felt like to, on the eve of everything, promise themselves so thoroughly to each other. My mind drifts to them and how tragic and not beautiful at all their story concluded, but the world doesn’t have to stop spinning. Beauty doesn’t have to cease. I reach the piece of fruit to Lea, holding it out to his mouth.

“This what we do?” He asks. I shrug.

“This is what they did.” And I know I don’t need to specify. He just nods, leans in and keeps his eyes on mine, never turning, never shying as he bites into the fruit. My heart seems to shake as I watch him, as I hold my breath, savoring the sweetness, the purity of this promise. From where we came from, from the absolute hell we rose from, there is a gentleness about this that we were both deprived of.

I could spend forever making up for lost moments like these.

He finishes the fruit and extends a half to me. It’s quite tart, almost citrus like in flavor, and I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe that I, the cynic, the derisive critic am agreeing to this, delving into a legend so wrapped in myth and magic that it feels fresh out of a fairy tale. But I guess that’s who I’ve always been, and this is the happily ever after that we have chased all these years.

“I love you, Lea.” I breathe as I finish the fruit, feeling no majestic glow wash over me, feeling no more tied to him than before, but as devoted as ever.

“Love you too, sweetheart. In this life and the next.” 

He brushes my hair behind my ear as he leans in, sticky, tart lips yearning to taste mine. My arms snake around him as the seconds pass endlessly and too fast, as always, between the two of us.

We pull away with dizzy eyes and mingled breath.

“You’ve got a game to play.” I remind him. He chuckles, bumping his nose into mine.

“What about you?” He asks. I bite back the tiniest of smiles.

“Don’t you know? I’ve got friends now. I can do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. The Season- Spill Canvas (L)  
> 2\. Always- Panic! At The Disco (L)  
> 3\. Last Night On Earth - Green Day (L)  
> 4\. Control- Halsey (R)  
> 5\. Gone Away- The Offspring (R)  
> 6\. Nobody’s Home- Avril Lavigne (R)  
> 7\. Hold My Hand- Hootie and the Blowfish (L)  
> 8\. Sunshine- The All- American Rejects (L)  
> 9\. Malibu- Miley Cyrus (R)  
> 10\. Lullaby For You - Jyongri


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next work in the series is called 'Incinerate', it's a five part short that will debut on November 3rd. The next major installment in this series (and the final major installment) is called 'Up In Flames'. That will debut on December 15th. Also, so you guys are aware, until further notice, the new posting schedule will be every Sunday. Thanks for joining me on this wild ride.

Epilogue:

And that can just be that. The dust can just settle, I can watch the sky around me melt into a haze of reds and oranges and pinks and no one needs to die, the sky does not need to fall. Riku brings a knee up to his chest, my hands sink into the baby powder sands, waves kiss the toes of my boots.

Off to the other edge of the beach, Naminé and Xion pluck the shores, combing it in search of seashells. I watch them from behind as Naminé retrieves another thalassa and extends her hand to Xion, who gingerly takes the shell and turns it over.

Lea flings a frisbee with a flame upon it toward Ventus, who flings the frisbee back toward Isa, who tosses the frisbee to Del who promptly knocks it into a sand sculpture, in the shape of Donald, that Goofy carves out. Hayner, Pence and Olette make one in the shape of Mickey. Roxas runs the length of the beach, racing Terra, moving infinitely faster than the taller man, who he twists and turns to taunt. Guess Del knew a losing battle when he saw one. 

“Way to be destructive.” I taunt, over my shoulder.

“Putting on a show for you, sweetheart.” Lea winks at me as Del bounds over to retrieve the disc, apologizing profusely to Donald and Goofy. 

“You two are repulsive.” Isa mutters.

“And you’re a shit babysitter. Maya, you mind?” I call to my friend, who is in the throes of a conversation with Aqua, who is brushing Lucidia’s hair aside.

“What, you don’t trust me as an extra set of eyes?” Del pouts. 

“No.” Amaya replies for me, on her way over to Riku and I. She places Lucidia in Del’s arms and immediately, he stands taller, cradles the child close and kisses her fair hair. Hooking her prosthetic fingers through her real ones, Amaya comes down, kneeling on the beach beside Riku and I, short hair sweeping along her jaw. “Thank you, for this. For inviting us into your home, Riku.” Amaya, ever the unknowing charmer smiles, and I swear, the boy nearly turns to mush. I’ve seen Riku on many levels, seen him broken seen him whole and everything in between, I think, but I have never seen him shy away from attention. It dawns on me that I don’t know if Riku realizes that he is attractive, and I find that to be quite hilarious, the level of mortification he must feel at this kind of attention from a pretty woman.

“Yeah, well, Sora and Kairi would’ve wanted this.” Riku replies, gruffly, eyes on the ground, scratching the back of his head. 

“And Rueki and Lea couldn’t be bothered to not elope.” Amaya beams.

“I liked you better when you were too polite to call me out on my bullshit.” I say, putting my shoulder into hers.

“So how’d the paopu taste?” Riku asks me, so without pressure, as though he is merely inquiring about tomorrow’s forecast. I lift an eyebrow, mouth popping into a curious little ‘o’. “How do you think Lea got that all set up so fast? I had to help him prep before you even got here. Something about you deserving a good night after a tricky morning.”

“You’re a good kid, you know. You wanna date my friend Amaya?” I ask. I don’t know who goes redder, Riku or Amaya, but Amaya mutters something about Riku being a child and Riku brushes me off, just making comments about how embarrassing I am. I laugh, ignoring the both of them. “The paopu was cool, the setup was cool. You know, Lea and I came here right after Oblivion. We had a shit time there, I was a mess, he was trying to make my life a little better, we were still so early into dating, when we heard about that girl, Sophie--”

“Selphie.” Riku corrects and my eyes light up.

“Selphie!” That is her name. “Yeah, when the other kid, the blond one--”

“Tidus.” Riku shakes his head.

“Right, Tidus. Tidus told us Selphie wanted to share a paopu fruit with him, and neither Lea nor I knew how to express love to each other, so we just kind of made fun of the legend. But I mean, it’s a long time coming, I think.” I say, as though it is the most natural thing in the world.

“What’s the legend?” Amaya asks, cocking her head to the side.

“That if two people share the fruit they’ll be a part of each other’s lives forever. No matter what.” Riku explains, and the look that crosses Amaya’s face is all sap. I wanna hide my face in my hands.

“Oh! And you two shared one?” Amaya coos, and I make a face.

“Only ironically. I don’t actually like him. He’s the worst. Disgusting.” I reply.

“I think there’s a more emotionally mature way of responding.” Amaya smiles, just a tiny bit.

“I think you should take what you can get.” I say. “We’re still rather trash at vocalizing our love in non sarcastic ways.”

“Well, I think it’s cute.” Amaya replies. “Which of the rest of you have shared one? I would assume Aqua and Terra?”

“Nope.” Riku says, shaking his head.

“Pretty sure Aqua shut that shit down.” I reply. Riku makes a face, as though he wants to say something, but thinks the better of it. The two of us have no business gossiping like old ladies around Amaya.

“And those are only on the Island?” Amaya asks.

“Yeah, on that crooked tree on the ledge there.” Riku says, gesturing with his head, eyes never leaving the ocean. 

“Those two look a little young to be sharing one, don’t you think?” Amaya asks. I raise an eyebrow, and open my mouth to ask her which two as I turn, eyes finding the tree. I was just there, Lea and I would have noticed two kids sneaking up as we departed.

But my eyes follow her finger and I find reds and pinks that have nothing to do with the setting sun. My insides drop out of me. I don’t know what my body does first, if I reach and clutch Riku by the front of his shirt, or of I scramble to my feet, but he comes up with me, seems to take note of the sight at the same time I do and grabs at my wrist.

“Is that…” I start.

“This is real. This is real.” Riku whispers, voice made for me to hear, not Amaya, not anyone else. I blink and the pinks and reds do not disintegrate. The small form of a young woman doesn’t disappear. She reaches out, at this distance, I can see her make a move for Sora’s hand.

“Lea!” I scream, wondering if the image will shatter at the raise of my voice, but it doesn’t. Instead the two look at each other, curling into one another upon the tree. Lea makes a mad dash for me, sand kicking up as he sputters just behind me, not questioning but acting.

“What? Do you need me Rueks, are you o--” Lea’s eyes follow my hand to where I point and he starts making these empty little gagging noises. 

“It’s real?” I ask.

“Sora. Kairi.” Lea says her name and I break. He says her name and I hit the sand, on my knees, neither him nor Riku nor Amaya able to support me. He says her name, and something vibrant illuminates inside of me. 

Riku acts quicker than I, scuttling, through sand expertly sprinting toward the ledge, and I can nearly see the heartbeat hammering in his temples. I don’t recover, not as easily, not as well, but I make it much faster. I hate teleporting, I hate the gut wrenching, the feeling that I have left my body behind. But even teleporting, I cannot get to her fast enough.

My feet crash into the ledge just in time to watch Sora turn to ash.

But Kairi doesn’t. I watch a tear glisten on her cheek, before it slides down her face.

I straight up tackle her off the crooked tree, locking my arms around her, swooping her up against me. The strength I run on is pure adrenaline, but I get high off of the feeling of her silky hair between my fingers, the way she smells like sunshine. I barely have enough time to hold her when Riku swings in, clutching the both of us in his long arms, pressing a cheek to the top of Kairi’s head, pressing his lips to her hair, squeezing her freckled shoulder.

“Kairi, Kairi.” He repeats her name like a prayer, like if he stops this will dissolve. Like if he stops, reality will set in and she’ll be gone again.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said what I did to you, I wanted to stop you, I wanted to protect you, I just need you so bad, Kairi, you’re my best friend. Please don’t leave again, please don’t go.” Meanwhile, every repressed thing I’ve ever wanted to say to her spills from my mouth as between Riku and I, we hold her tighter and tighter. I don’t know how long this will last, but I know too well that the moments with her slipped through my fingers impossibly fast, like hell am I going to let a single second tick away before I can catch it. Not when she feels so real, pressed between our arms and--

And--

And she’s crying. Sobbing violently into us, swatting and thrashing.

“I’m okay, guys, please, just stop!” She begs. “I’m alright!” And everyone begins to flock in, first Lea, Isa, Del, Roxas, Naminé, Xion, Ventus, Terra, Aqua, Mickey, Donald, Goofy, Hayner, Pence, Olette, Amaya. They scramble up, chaotic, disorganized, loud. Too many questions, too many concerns. Too much noise.

My head throbs. Just behind my temple, white and hot as something too loud--music?-- roars in my mind. 

Just as quickly, it disappears, and I’m back to getting annoyed with too many hands on me, trying to separate me from Kairi, from my Kairi. Even her hands claw at me and at Riku, I feel her shake her head.

“Rueki, Riku, come on, forget about me, Sora needs our help!” She yowls, and at the mention of the boy’s name, Riku does tear away, looking around, squinting against the setting sun.

“Sora, I saw him, where is he, where’d he go?” Riku asks, and Kairi stars sobbing harder, shoulders shaking in my arms.

“It’s going to be okay, you’re here now, you’re safe, no one’s going to hurt you ever again.” I assure her, smoothing her hair until finally she shoves away from me.

“I don’t care, will you listen to me? Sora needs us or he’s going to die!” She screams, and so does my temple. So does my--

Hand?

Darkness washes over me, gouging my sight. My knees tremble. 

The pavement is damp, is it raining, or did it just..?

From a puddle on the ground, I see strobing lights, red, yellows, whites. My brain throbs, it is clearly late at night, but it’s still so loud, I make a motion to cover my ears, to pinch my eyes shut, to block out the noise.

The Island floods back, Lea hovering above me, my head on the tops of his thighs, his hands rubbing my head. 

“Are you o--”

Lea is not as loud as the screaming noise that comes from footfalls crashing into the pavement or roaring advertisements. Why is it so bright, how does anyone sleep here?

My eyes flutter open, hazy in the flashing lights, hazy against the yellow lines on the damp pavement. The moon shines so bright, but I barely see it over the skylights.

A thousand realities pass through my eyes, infinite possibilities. What if Sora didn’t fight? What if Kairi and Lea took on Xion and Saix, what if Aqua and Ven needed no help taming Vanitas and Terra. What if I--

One constant persists. Me holding Xigbar up, begging him not to fade, me standing in Lea’s defense, his Keyblade high above my head, meeting Xigbar in the aftermath in the Keyblade Graveyard.

Have all of these months even passed, have I fought so many battles? My scars nearly burn but especially the ‘x’ upon my thigh, cut in by both Xigbar and Saix. Reality scarcely exists and shrinks further away the more I grasp for it.

My head rings and I make a face, pushing myself up, seeing both Lea and Kairi and the Island, and this concrete wasteland. It’s the World That Never Was...no, but I know this place. There is an unsettling sort of familiarity that creeps, pumping dread into my veins. Panic flutters at my pulse.

‘Wake up, leave your hesitation  
Wake up, time for us to realize”

I know that song. Why do I know that song? Where have I heard it blast on repeat, in fitting rooms, through tight streets, in restaurants, blasting too loud from headphones.

So many lights and noises and colors fill my heart, fill my mind, and I cannot take this. I’m here, drowning in it all, choking, slipping under. The light gets duller or brighter, I can’t tell, but the island--?

What Island, I--

A screaming pain presses into my palm, as though I am being branded.

“Rueki, come on baby, you’ve gotta wake up!” I know that voice.

“It’s going to kill her too, they’re connected, he’s going to take her!” I know that voice too. Who are they, who am I?

‘Calling, someone is calling  
Calling  
Wait and see, empathy  
You’re not the only one  
Little by little you’ll feel a bit better  
Lucky me, destiny  
You are on my side  
Just once more unto the breach  
Dear friend, once more’

I know this song. I stand, looking around at pulsating billboards, at rain as it slips down the sides of skyscrapers.

“Come on, please, Rueki, you have to--”

“You’re really going to fall to this? Are you really so weak?”

Isa.

Cyan eyes find mine as he hovers over me and I lurch forward, gripping the hem of his jacket. Breath floods my lungs in bursts and gasps, why does my hand hurt so bad?

 

“Can’t--”

“Fight through. You’re pathetic.”

“Isa!” Someone admonishes, but it’s working, I see the scars on his neck from my thunder spell, see the scar on his face. Nothing else, but then--

“You dull, unimportant joke of a girl. Unable to even crawl out, a victim to such a fragile heart.” Isa taunts and I shake my head, reaching out, limply to swat him.

“Don’t have a fragile heart.” I grumble, through clenched jaw, watching shapes fill my vision. Red hair, so much of it. Lea. Kairi.

Kairi’s tears spill onto me as she tries so hard to stifle them. Riku tries to draw her back, but she just shakes her head, muttering something about a boy with fair hair and purple eyes and angel wings.

My stomach drops.

My heart roars, so loud I can see and hear nothing else, not even my own shrieking. Hot hands draw me in close, press soothing kisses to my ripping temples. I start crying and someone else stars crying and--

Something opens up within me. Dust does settle, but not in the way I expected. Instead, something knocks aside waste and foliage and decay. A path that was once sealed off opens up wide, burning brighter than starlight through the chambers in my heart.

Something opens up and

‘Calling, you hear the calling  
Calling, you hear the calling’

I’m me again, I’m wholly me, but Sora’s memories spill into my head on overload. So much time spent searching for Kairi, time in that strange world where the sky meets the sea, time spent in his station of awakening.

The impish grin of a young and somehow ancient boy with ashy curls.

“She wants to play dirty, I’ll give him a ringer.” The ashy haired boy sets his finger against Sora’s forehead.

Everything glows.

Especially my right hand.

Red light flashes before my eyes and the burning sensation forces a cry from my lips. My other hand grips Lea’s shirt, Isa hoists me up. 

Kairi can’t stop crying.

“Rueks, what the hell happened?” Lea chokes, grabbing me tight, forcing me onto my own two feet.

“My hand hurts so fucking bad, I--” I raise my right palm up, expecting a burn, expecting a cut, expecting a seashell to be protruding from an infected wound.

I don’t expect…

30:00, 29:59, 29:58, 29:57

Blankly, I watch the numbers tick by, Lea drops me, hands falling limply by, mouth popping open.

“Fuck...Rueki...goddammit..” His voice is low and gravely, defeated. Shattered.

“What, what happened?” Del pushes forward.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Kairi shakes her head, sobbing still. Isa grabs my shoulder, whips me around, and with hard eyes and a set jaw, he looks at me.

“Do I need to physically force you to explain what is happening?” He snaps.

And I laugh.

I laugh loud, high, delirious. I laugh and tumble back into Lea’s arms and he catches me, but the weight I must have on my shoulders is impossible. I stumble further, further, laughing still as I hit the ground. 

“Rueki!” Roxas shoves forward, crouching down on one knee, trying to bring me up. “Hey, I felt something too, what happened?” He asks, smoothing my hair as my laughter dies down into half meant scoffs.

I hold my hand back up.

28:03, 28:02, 28:01

I look up to Roxas, to Riku, to Amaya and Xion.

“I’m going to die.”


End file.
